BSNYC Friday Awkward Encounter With Someone Whose Name You Forgot!

This week has been a tremendously exciting one, at least in terms of packages that have been delivered to me.

Probably the most exciting package was the one that came yesterday afternoon. As I peered out my front door expectantly, I heard the sound of the elevator arriving, at which point a large box flew out of it as though the elevator were bulimic and had regurgitated it. Soon though it was followed by a man in brown, who continued to roll the thing down the hall end over end. Inside the box was one (1) Ritte van Vlaanderen bicycle:

So you want specs? Here are the specs:

Frame--yes

Shifter thingys--also yes

Frame material--bamboo beneath a metal veneer

Wheels--round

Owner--delighted

Sorry to lapse into bicycle jargon, but I'm sure you "tech heads" will feel the lateral stiffness and vertical compliance of what I just laid down.

Anyway, it is a testament to Ritte's framebuilding prowess and bicycle packing expertise that, despite such molestation, the machine emerged totally unscathed. As of today I have only managed one (1) brief ride on it which was snuffed out quickly by a thunderstorm, but so far my first impression is that it is exactly like my old road bike, except that it is attractive instead of ugly, and it rides way better. I do have one quibble, though, which is that having such a nice bike makes me feel like even more of a schlub than I usually do, though I suppose that might have something to do with my riding attire:

I may have to take advantage of the Rapha "Summer Sale."

Speaking of self-indulgence, I was reading the latest Bruce Weber tour report in the New York Times when I noticed an interesting reader comment:


This comment was as follows:

I agree with an earlier post that this project reeks of self-indulgence and entitlement. The multi-thousand dollar custom bike; the motel stays....
It just dawned on me that bicycling across the country could be added to "Stuff White People Like".

First of all, of course it's self-indulgent. It's a vacation. He's supposed to be indulging himself. Only pretentious minimalists take vacations based around self-deprivation. Secondly, has this person not noticed that 75% of the New York Times is dedicated to self-indulgence? Does he think the "Home & Garden," "Fashion & Style," and "Travel" sections exist to report hard news? Most vexingly, though, since when are "motel stays" the measure of "self-indulgence and entitlement?" I know the economy is collapsing, but I still don't think a night in a Motel 6 is up there with a stay at the Ritz-Carlton, even if you do spend a few quarters on the vibrating bed.

In any case, the Ritte bike wasn't the only exciting package I received; I also received a box full of Knog products--and, unlike the bike, I intend to give all this stuff away:

This box contains all manner of Knoginess, including the so-called "wearable Boomer:"


Not only can you use the clippy thing to clip it to stuff, but you can also use the Power of Magnets to fasten it to places on your bag or wardrobe where a clippy thing cannot find purchase. For example, here it is on the front of my pants:

And here it is mounted on the inside of the front of my pants, so that you can see how it works:

...and a soothing red light did fill my nether regions.*

Also in the box are some "rechargeable Boomers:"

All you have to do is plug them into your USB port, which is especially useful if you work in one of those futuristic offices where they make you use a "computer." Just imagine reading this blog and knowing that your light is charging for the ride home at the same time. Truly amazing. If only it could also draw power from your nether regions...

But wait, there's more! "Frog Strobes:"

Short-sleeved torso covers with designs and slogans that don't really mean anything on them:


Visored head covers:



And even a bag for your futuristic "computer:"

(Disembodied feet not included.)

My first impulse was to dispense these items in some sort of contest, but then I realized that would involve packing stuff, and mailing stuff, and other unsavory tasks. So instead, I will dispense this stuff in person in sort of a "Surprise Cat 6 Freebie Extravaganza." This will involve appearing at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time and simply giving the stuff away to bike commuters, and the undisclosed location and time are as follows:

Where: Brooklyn side of the Manhattan Bridge

When: Tuesday August 23rd, between 5:00 and 6:00PM

This could change if the weather is abjectly horrible or if I decide to simply sell the stuff on Craigslist for beer money, but barring those scenarios that is the plan. I'll dispense the goods on a more-or-less first come, first serve basis, though you must--must--present this coupon in order to claim your prize:

As I said, the time and place could change, but for now that's the plan.

*(Further to Leroy's comment, don't worry, I won't be giving away the crotchally-mounted Boomer.)

And now, with all that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right your crotch will light up, and if you're wrong you'll see the future of bicycle navigation.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride happy.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

("You're exactly as tall as one (1) Thomas Voeckler.")

1) Thomas "Valise of Perspicacity" Voeckler recently lost a race against:

--A runner

--A car

--A horse
--A motorized suitcase of courage on wheels

(Mario Cipollini invites a dinner guest to smell his fingers.)

2) Mario Cipollini's plans to compete against an Italian racehorse in a much-publicized "endowment contest" were thwarted by PETA in 2003.

--True

--False

3) Handlebar flutes are the new _______________:

--Rusty trombones

--Hot Karls

--Two-man bongs

--Handlebar oboes

4) "Bicycle Down the West Coast, Meet Women, Talk About ______________."

--Cycling

--Books you've read recently

--Crazy gold medallions

--Menstrual cups

("I'm thinking about menstrual cups.")

5) According to the Sierra Club, one "benefit" of cycling is that you could meet this guy.

--True

--False

6) David Byrne does not have a car, but he does have:

--A horse

--A walk-in humidor

--A suite of fake iPhone apps
--A jetpack

7) NAHBS founder Don Walker has been described as:

--Tempestuous

--Impetuous

--Incredulous

--A Temptress

***Special Knuckle Tattoo-Themed Bonus Question***

Complete the knuckle tattoo: "DIET ____"

--BIKE

--RIDE

--HARD

--COKE