Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Conspiracy: What's Good for the Goose is Good Propaganda

Admittedly I tend to engage in hyperbole, but what I'm about to tell you isn't hyperbole at all--it's just straight, regular, unembellished bole:

I have uncovered a massive conspiracy.

The "curator" of this conspiracy is the so-called "Sierra Club," described by a popular user-edited online encyclopedia as "one of the oldest, largest, and most influential grassroots environmental organization in the United States." Clearly however this is merely a cunning ruse, for their true purpose is obviously to ensure the continued dominance of the automobile as Canada South's primary mode of transportation, and to frighten commuters away from the act of bicycle cycling. Consider this seemingly innocuous though deeply insidious propaganda video entitled "Two Mornings," which compares car commuting with bicycle commuting in the Smugness Hive that is San Francisco:

Two Mornings from Sierra Club National on Vimeo.

On the surface of it, it's merely one of those typical videos where they juxtapose car commuting and bike commuting to show you how annoying driving is and how awesome "bi-keen" is. I mean, it's a foregone conclusion, right? But what they really do is prey upon our familiarity with the genre by ever-so-craftily making the driving look better than the "bi-keen." You hardly notice while you're watching, but if you look at each mode of transportation separately you'll see what I mean.

First, the driving. See how our fashionably dressed "duderette" enters her chic red Mini Cooper:

Notice she's able to do this while enjoying her morning coffee. She's also able to carry her belonging in a stylish leather bag, as opposed to one of those ridiculous Chrome bags with all the seatbelt buckles all over it that looks like a pair of 1980s bondage pants, or like a parachute might explode out of it at any second. Soon she's on her way, as easily as you please:

The streets are free and clear:

The most difficult thing she has to do during her commute is make a left-hand turn onto another empty street:


Though at one point she does have to wait at one (1) red light behind one (1) other driver:

And that's it! Where are the shots of the "epic" traffic jams? Where's the look of nonplussitude as she fills up at the gas station and discovers it costs like 50 bucks to fuel a car that could probably fit in a bakfiets? Where's the endless hunt for a parking space? If this is what driving in San Francisco is like then I'm buying a fleece vest and a trendy car, putting a Sierra Club bumper sticker on it, getting an Internet 2.0 gig with a job description even I don't understand, and becoming a total NorCal "duder."

By comparison, the cycling is abject misery. First of all, due to bike theft and the high cost of San Francisco real estate, she has to keep her giant bicycle in the middle of her bedroom:

How does she even get out of bed, much less visit the bathroom in the middle of the night without becoming a human spoke card?

Next, instead of carrying her coffee and bag to her car while wearing a sporty leather jacket, she has to wear a giant mustard-colored sweater and totally ruin her hair by strapping on a helmet so she doesn't die:

Evidently she didn't want to deal with the additional humiliation of the ridiculous Chrome bag, so she's not carrying anything at all.

Then, she shoves off in a bizarre manner that makes her look like a hood ornament, and the Sierra Club cleverly reminds us that, in San Francisco, you can apparently park your car right in front of your house where, unlike your bike, you won't trip over it in the night when you get up to make a pee-pee:

And things quickly go from bad to worse when some creepy guy starts hitting on her:

("I reeeally like your sweater. Is that mustard?")

The subtext is clear: stay in your car where it's safe, or ride your bike where you'll get drooled on by sexual deviants:

("I reeeally like mustard.")

Presumably she's finally able to shake this guy by giving him a fake phone number, but no sooner has she regained her solitude than some Cat 6 wheelsucker adheres herself to her:

In typical Cat 6 fashion, the wheelsucker sits on her despite the fact that the bike lane is totally clear, and given the fact that that our mustard-clad heroine hasn't even had her morning coffee yet it's a miracle she's managing even that strained smile:

Note they're also wearing the same helmet, since the wheelsucker is probably also a serial copycat.

Finally, after all that, the Sierra Club has the audacity to pull the old "reverse psychology" trick:

Yeah, right.

Evidently, the Sierra Club opted to leave out the fact that this was a "collabo" with ExxonMobil and News Corp.

Anyway, if I wasn't scared enough after watching this video, I sure was after I read this on the aforementioned user-edited online encyclopedia:

Observers of the Sierra club have charged that the club's views on population growth, and the efforts of some club members to restrain immigration, are a continuation of aspects of the Eugenics movement.

Sweet succulent Lob, what the hell kind of "club" is this anyway?!?

Ironically, while Smug Franciscans are being thoroughly brainwashed, here in New York things are finally going our way, for a judge has dismissed the lawsuit to remove the Prospect Park West bike lane in Brooklyn:

Though a reader informs me that there is a vitriolic anti-pennyfarthing movement brewing in Halifax:

Granted, this movement consists of only one man, but he's angry enough for at least a hundred, and he claims his "neighbours" are behind him:

This is for the asshat who lives on my cul de sac: take that fucking monstrosity back to what ever grave you dug it out of. Me and my neighbours (not your neighbours, we would never call you that!) have had enough of your shit. I sit down to watch TV in the evenings and what do I see wobbling down the road from my big fucking bay window? Your fucking penny farthing! Nothing irks me quite like the sight of unproportionate wheels do.

It's tempting to dismiss this as the ranting of a lunatic, but fear of vehicles with disproportionate wheels is a very serious condition. It's called "aliusrotasphobia," and the mere sight of a Big Wheel is enough to send sufferers into paroxysms of panic. Then again, I'd probably be leery of an ersatz Victorian who shows off his p-far to children too:

You smile and drive the length of the road, turn around, and come back again. Over and over and over. You stop and show it off to the kids on my street. Not my fucking kid, you can of shit. I wont let him out of the house when you are around.

"I remember when the pennyfarthing man used to come around," his child will write in his memoirs many years later. "Father would lock me in the basement, where I'd cower as I listened to him smashing things and shouting about the evils of asymmetry. He couldn't even use our hose caddy since the wheels were a different size than the spool. Harry John Lawson, inventor of the safety bicycle, was like a god in our house. Father said he saved us from the sin of 'unproportionateness.' There were pictures of Lawson everywhere, even in the bathroom. He still haunts my dreams"

Of course, a more euphemistic way to describe the p-far hater would be to call him "tempestuous," which is how one Craigslist seller describes NAHBS founder Don "Thou Shalt Have No Other Bike Shows Before Me" Walker:


One-of-a-kind Don Walker custom-built pursuit track frame. 56cm c-t-c effective top tube, 58.5cm seat tube c-t-c.
The founder of NAHBS (North American Handbuilt Bicycle Show), Don is a tempestuous and AMAZING builder - this frame is unbelievably well-made. Beautifully fillet-brazed Columbus EL-OS main triangle. Pursuit/sloping geometry, monostay rear bridge, MASSIVE oversized stays. Campagnolo headset and Suntour Superbe Pro track BB included. Both are in excellent shape. There are no drillings for brakes. 120mm rear spacing, 100mm front. Paint has minor scratches and scuffs, but absolutely no dents, dings, or scrapes anywhere. 27.2mm seat tube diameter.

$699


If you like your framebuilders like you like your Shakespeare plays--and your name just happens to be Eric Williams--then this could very well be the deal of the century:

Either way, I bet even Larry Olmsted's Seven Cycles questionnaire didn't allow him to select the personality of his frame's builder, which is of course a key component in determining ride quality. I only hope they begin offering this as an option soon:

97) I prefer my framebuilders to be:

--Endearing
--Lovably quirky
--Disconcertingly even-keeled
--Ornery
--Mercurial
--Tempestuous

A well-made bespoke bicycle is like a part of you, and this is even more true if you've actually been beaten about the head and face with portions of its tubing.

Lastly, on Friday I mentioned the Wikipedia "Cycling Shorts" entry model, and since then it seems they've been experimenting with a couple of new candidates, most recently this one:

Though I'm pleased to say our hero remains on the page--he's just been demoted to "bib shorts" representative, as opposed to the representative of all forms of cycling shorts:

("I'm just the bib shorts guy now.")

He doesn't look too pleased about this, but then again he didn't look too pleased to begin with either.

111 comments:

shu-sin said...

fiddling with my Mammoth Precision Tool

PawnShop said...

"So, who is this Wildcat Rock Machine?" is a question I ask not at all ever.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

PODIUM HUGGY

Anonymous said...

So cool,,,,

Neil said...

I'll read it later.....

Anonymous said...

DAMN

Anonymous said...

boom. 1st!

CYC said...

top ten!!

Anonymous said...

top ten, bitches!






dirtbag

Anonymous said...

it´s wednesday, bullfitas !!

Anonymous said...

Top 11!

3G said...

I smell contest for that knog care package...there will be bibshorts!

theEel said...

weed.

Hungry Panda said...

Don walker does not make bikes out of Panda Bones. He is still a weird dude.

Steel hurts my teeth.

Anonymous said...

Feldwegvergnugen!

JB said...

Recumbabe lives!

Anonymous said...

UHHHH - Snobby - exactly how do you know about 1980s bondage pants?

cycle

(thinking about attending your next yard sale)

Anonymous said...

cunning stunts

RANTWICK said...

Do Cat 6's wheelsuck? I'm a Cat 6 Racer, but I don't wheelsuck.

xyxax said...

Your unproportionate wheels ungust me.

GhostOfTyrone said...

I'd like to have seen footage of the tempestuous heroine getting that bike out of her apartment. That mannschaft looks a little tall for her inseam.

CommieCanuck said...

"I reeeally like your sweater. Is that mustard?"
"No, Vaginal discharge yellow."
"oh."

Anonymous said...

The photographer of bib-short man put some work into taking the photograph. You can tell he used two lights through umbrellas by the opposing soft shadows on the wall. This was a planed model shoot.

Anonymous said...

Grope-pedo fodder.

Buffalo Bill said...

Methinks the new bike shorts model photo should also be included on the bike boots page. I wonder if they come with spurs?

Anonymous said...

Shorts model babe is sporting one of those 83's on the back. She's hot!

Terre Haute Karl said...

PFAR HATE

Astroluc said...

unfrist

Etherhuffer said...

Sports model babe has gone nothing on recumbabe. Except the boots. Que up "These Boots were Made for Cycling" and supply new lyrics to replace Ms. Sinatra's.

Craig Calfee said...

don walker bikes suck. then rust.

grog said...

The Babe is back!
Thank your tempestuous lobster!
Great conspiracies today too, worth every pennyfarthing.

Marcel Da Chump said...

What's so funny about peace, love and pennyfarthing!?

Matt said...

Didn't bib shorts guy play Dwight Shrute's brother on The Office?

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid you've been had by a dread penny farthing hipster reverse troll.

There's no shame in it.

Anonymous said...

You guys remember "Out of Control" on Nickelodeon?



That show was awesome...

TJ Eckleburg said...

Hi-larious.


Snobby, may I suggest you insert the Nonplussed Bib Shorts guy in articles instead of the naked Yoko Ono.

Thanks in advance.

PhilboydStunge said...

rantwick, you are the BSNYC of Cat6racing. don't ease up just because Granny left her bicycle on the porch. you rule.

Anonymous said...

Bike/bib shorts guy could use a little more sun on his punim (ask Wildcat to translate). And no tan lines to speak of..

I fear he is an imposter.

Anonymous said...

As a San Francisco Bike Commuter and CAT 6 podium finisher I can say that the car driver probably doesn't live on that street. She probably walked to starbucks then to her car on the next block. She left an area with no thru-traffic, just residences so the streets would be empty until she got to a cross town street. And they didn't show the homeless by the Mural standing in the middle of the bike lane. They also didn't show the people trying to be fast and pass every person on the street. They also didn't show how she probably ran a red light that almost every cyclist runs through. This is sooo not a documentary, its a fairy tale.

streepo said...

I think vaginal discharge yellow leans a bit more towards a greenish tint than that sweater.

Anonymous said...

looks like bib short gal needs a horse jockey whip to complete the look...

Faster, steed, faster! YEEHAW!

Marty McFly said...

I used to kick ass at tempestuous, but I sucked at defendering.

DUDR ETTE
EUGE NICS

wishiwasmerckx said...

Does the eugenics movement have anything to do with why Leroy's dog is forever humping my leg?

Pubicbike said...

@ghostoftyrone - If the mannshaft is too tall for her inseam, would that make it a pubic bike?

When I saw the bike in the apartment said publicbike.com, I was thinking it was one of those urban bike borrowing program bikes that was borrowed on a more permanent basis. So I searched the interweb for www.publicbike.com and saw that it is an actual bike company with bikes for sale.

There is an endorsement from some guy named Rob Vandermark of MA, whoever that is, on their homepage.

Marcel Da Chump said...

penny persuasion Ocy0SPgcM

mikeweb said...

That creepy guy in the video look like he listens to a lot of David Byrne. Who I believe doesn't own a car either.

crosspalms said...

SiERRa. Damn. I typed SiENNa. No wonder it took me so long to get here. She'd make an OK bike shorts/boots model, too.

Choose. Bike. Be Happy. Done.

GhostOfTyrone said...

@pubicbike -

Yep, she's one of yours. This really is starting to make sense now, with all of the eugenics, and what not.

g-roc said...

Finally, someone who shares my contempt of the penny farthing. I won't rest until every one has been reduced to steel ingots. Curse them. We'll start a movement, nay a revolution! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA! Wait, what's that about him being a troll? Curses. Alone again. I'll get you P-Far, I'll get you.

I am a laughing engine said...

"asshat", wow that guy has the anger of "you kids get off my lawn" eighty year old, an the limited use of the english language like a 12 year old.

By the way, 21 comments is the best you "asshats" can come up with. (that makes me laugh)

http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2011/08/12/2011-08-12_letter_of_the_law.html

Keep it up and I am going to join up with those critical ride people, and you know that is the dark side.

CommieCanuck said...

That creepy guy in the video look like he listens to a lot of David Byrne. Who I believe doesn't own a car either.

I'm pretty sure that guy is Dave Grohl, who also doesn't own a car. That may explain why the vaginal discharge yellow doesn't turn him off.

Hungry Panda said...

I hear craig calfee, can repair panda bones.

But Serratta only wants to fix Panda bones with titanium pins.

What can Walker do?

CommieCanuck said...

Dave Grohl



Creepy bike guy.

Never seen together in the same room.

Amy said...

@Rantwick, yes, the modus operandi of the Cat 6 is to alternate wheelsucking and shoaling. They will also run a very-much-red-light with traffic coming just to show you.

They will pass on the right (often when you are in the middle of a lane to avoid a lane narrowing, or a right-turn-only lane that ends, etc) and then nearly cause an accident when they slam on their brakes to get into a better lane position. The best way to make them angry is to wheelsuck on them, but mostly I just let them go because the farther apart we are, the less chance they'll do something stupid and I'll get caught up in it.

CommieCanuck said...

Good to see Giant Mannschaft make it to day two.

Anonymous said...

Campy + Sun Tour Superbe FTW?

fRoid Landis said...

Ant1st was doping the whole time.

mikeweb said...

I thought Eugenics was a pop-folk trio out of Eugene, Or. that does covers of Eurythmics songs, no? I'm not sure if they own cars or not.

Anonymous said...

It fills my heart with darkness that bibshorts guy was usurped by some dumb model. I love everything about bibshorts: his wife beater, the "don't fuck with me" expression, his Transitions eyewear and his wispy chinstrap beard. The guy is the fucking goods, why did they have to bring boot wearing model lady in and screw it all to hell!

mikeweb said...

I believe Wildcat Rock Machine, a.k.a. WRM or WCRM, needs his own 'logo' or icon in the same way that RTMS has. Contest?

I am a sad engine said...

http://gothamist.com/2011/08/17/ppw_bike_lane_lawsuit_is_this_reall.php

Why do the rich and privileged hate bicycles?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Call me kinky, but every time I wear an asshat I just can't resist slapping her cheeks. Affectionately, of course.

bikesgonewild said...

...marcel da chump...it would be impolite to do otherwise...

bikesgonewild said...

...fuck the sierra club...

...do you have any idea how hard those fucking entitled elitists worked to ban mountain bikes from 'their' hiking trails in the early days of mtb-ing ???...

...rhetorical question but i'll answer it anyway...hard enough that i'll always look at what they do with suspicion...that's how hard...

Dr. Swenson said...

Don't try commuting in Indianapolis, you think tickets are bad:

http://www.indystar.com/article/20110817/NEWS02/108170377/Bicyclist-arrested-gunpoint-after-chase?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|IndyStar.com

GhostOfTyrone said...

@mikeweb

Here's my entry for the WCRM 'logo'

Anonymous said...

bib shorts guy haunts my dreams.

bikesgonewild said...

..."what's good for the goose..." ???...

...undoubtedly another rhetorical question but i'll tell ya anyway...

...a savory herb & sausage dressing made with whole wheat bread & the bird should be served with a homemade cranberry/orange sauce made with honey rather than sugar...

...make sure the goose is covered in foil through most of the cooking process, to retain those wonderful natural juices & basted with such & then whilst browning, add butter to the basting process...

...this makes for a delicious gravy as well...

...so, i'm just sayin' THAT'S "what's good for the goose..."...

RANTWICK said...

@PhilboyStunge - Thanks man. Understood.

@Amy - Well wait, then. By your definition, I'm not a Cat6 racer. I didn't realize that in order to be a Cat6 that you had to ride like a tool. Think I'll start.

Goofy Nutz from Cambridge said...

More Bib Shorts Guy or imma fucking kill you!

crosspalms said...

@bgw

I was with you till you said the goose should wear a tinfoil hat. I don't know what the penalty for cooking and eating a Republican presidential candidate is, but I bet they'd at least take away my bike. I hope they'd let me have some of that dressing first, though, it sounds tasty.

ant1 said...

fRoid Landis - i'm the most tested commenter ever. i have never tested positive.

CommieCanuck said...

ghost..this is slightly better than your entry.

mikeweb said...

Wow!!

Moby Grape and The Peanut Butter Conspiracy??

Sounds tasty.

Anonymous said...

Autobus!

mikeweb said...

@ant1,

Make sure not to open any mail from Jeff Novitsky.

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, oh - here we go again via the 'rock machine'...

...i know or knew in the past a buncha folks in a buncha those bands...

...one drummer i see almost on a daily basis...

......can't stop the rock..."...

bikesgonewild said...

...@crosspalms...

...'goose, gander, republican, gerrymander'...i know there's a limerick in there somewhere...

...just sayin', ya ???...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Vaginal discharge? Wonderful natural juices?

What has gotten into you guys today?

Anonymous said...

The tempestuous P-far hater can't stand disproportionate wheels. The tempestuous framebuilder built a bike around them. The world has gone mad!

crosspalms said...

bgw

There once was a goose from Nantucket

no, wait, that's not it.

There once was a candidate ganda
who closely defeated a panda.
The panda said “Court!”
The ganda’s retort:
“If I can’t win like this: gerrymanda!”

crosspalms said...

bgw

The goose and the Republican were in there until a large amount of bamboo changed hands; hence the panda.

bikesgonewild said...

...crosspalms...nice, i knew you could do it...

...& better you than me 'cuz i would a' gone with '...goose from nantucket'...but i think we know that...

Etherhuffer said...

@BGW

Doesn't the Sierra Club just make you see colors with their bike stuff? I think they may be one of the bigger reasons for backlash against environmental policy. And, they sooooo leave a Cali only taste in my mouth. Gives us Seattleites the heebeejeebees to watch them in action. Very SF centric.

Another asshat said...

So, not on my street is actually Canadian humour?

Why have we not made them them the 51st state, and stollen their resources and sports?

Paul Bowen said...

"I'm just the bib shorts guy now." Made me laugh unreasonably. I support the general approval for his female counterpart, what a cutie.

Anonymous said...

You did. Give us back 'tractor pulls'.

UrbanRidingTips said...

He looks like an authentic bib short wearer, just not for cycling. I suspect he wears them to try to impede himself from going to websites that make him want to reach inside them...

bikesgonewild said...

...@etherhuffer...

...i'm being totally honest when i say, "...i'll always look at what they do with suspicion..."...

...originally our old club 'velo club tamalpais', pre-mtb days, was affiliated with them 'cuz we were all young & idealistic & saw nothing but the good things they accomplished but the advent of the 'mountain bike' brought their true nature to the forefront...

...enough said...

GhostOfTyrone said...

Okay, okay - I think I have the "logo"

Anonymous said...

691 dollar epic traffic jam panties!
Panties!

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,
Whatever, oh whatever, would you do without Internet videos to make fun of? What would I do without your blog to read to feel smug about Internet videos along with you? Thank Lob for Snob and Internet Vidjoz (that's southern for videos)!

Anonymous said...

Framebuilder panties!

Anonymous said...

Mmmmm......small front wheels.....

Got one of those TT bikes; it's faster than me.

hey nonny mouse

tempestuous wanna be said...

NINETY-SEXTH!!!

and i'll say it again:

HORS DUDY!

wp

leroy said...

WIWM --

My dog was probably just being friendly.

Unless of course you spilled mustard on your pants leg.

He really likes mustard too.

leroy said...

98 ...

leroy said...

99...

Anonymous said...

I know I would belong if I had a stylish leather bag. I long to own one. I could carry my longing in it. And my belonging. I long to belong.

Oh, that shorts model has done it.

FYI Mr. Black and White and fuzzyallover said...

@ Hungry P

i'll tells you what Don Walker can do, he can win a beer sprint and eat half a slow-roasted panda.

i seed him do at least one of those, i did. and i doubt none of the rumors about the other one.

bamBoozled!

wp

Anonymous said...

Sierra Club club is using Public bikes and that some how San Fran has only little hills.

leroy said...

I almost didn't recognize recumbabe from just the neck up.

I always check out the bicycle to know it's her.

Anonymous said...

PRPA GNDA

mikeweb said...

@GoT,

I think that one's the winner.

Anonymous said...

what's with the skate lid and rubber galoshes?

Anonymous said...

I kinda dig the wiki bike shorts model (female), but what's with the galoshes?

Anonymous said...

New shorts model's helmet is same as 'frisco video riders.
The plot thickens!

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Fixie Bikes said...

definitely a propaganda