Thursday, August 11, 2011

Fully Loaded: A World Gone Bananas

In Tuesday's post, entitled "Hate Muffins," I mentioned so-called "hipster bystanders" on fixed-gears and the London riots. Well, I've since learned from the Tweeter that, in Bristol, at least one fixed-gear rider was not content to stand idly by while the rioters ran amok. Instead, he transformed himself into a skidding-and-Tweeting Edward R. Murrow, and as such he is now being lauded as a hero:


Not only did he risk his own safety, but he also rode up hills:

Supported by several friends around the city, Piers cycled the often hilly streets around the epicentres of the unrest – St Pauls, Stokes Croft, Cabot Circus and Broadmead – on his custom-built bike, covering about 35 miles in under two days and putting out over 200 bulletins and requests for information.

Granted, as a club DJ he might technically be more of a "duder" than a "hilpster," but the fact remains that he provided a valuable service during what must have been a very frightening time. Also, he rode 35 miles in under two days, which is more than most fixed-gear riders manage in a year. Rapha should present him with half a jersey.

Meanwhile, here in New York City, life has been considerably quieter--at least for those of us who don't work on Wall Street. So, given the relative placidity coupled with the fact that we're finally experiencing some non-sweltering weather, I resolved to actively appreciate my good fortune by launching my Smugness Flotilla and journeying to distant shores:

(My Smugness Flotilla, docked on the banks of the Big Skanky.)

Since acquiring the Surly Big Dummy well over a year ago now, it has proven itself indispensable to me by not only facilitating family-style excursions and "portaging," but also by working in tandem with my fundamentally lazy nature. For example, awhile back I made a trip to the beach, and I have yet to unload my folding chair and beach umbrella:

Sure, I considered unloading them at one point, but then I figured "Why bother?" I don't even know it's there when I'm riding in the same way an elephant doesn't know there's a bird sitting on his ass, so it seems easier to just leave the stuff there until next time I go to the beach. Plus, you never know when you might want to create a little impromptu poolside scene next to some fetid puddle somewhere, and if I should suddenly get stuck in a downpour I can just open the umbrella and hunker down under it until the rain stops.

Also, it should go without saying that I always travel with a messenger-style diaper bag and a big bunch of bananas:

In short, at any given moment, the contents of my Big Dummy will allow a small family (complete with helper monkey) to subsist for days. Of course, the obvious downside is that I'm a robust target and therefore total looter bait--at least until I install the key fob-activated smokescreen, which will allow me to go from this:

To this:

By the time the smoke clears, I'll be gone.

Either that, or I may just hide it and myself under camouflage tarp that's painted to look like a dollar store that has already been looted.

Anyway, given the sublime pleasure that leisurely family-style cycling can be, I can't help bristling when I read something like this, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Yes, it's a letter to the editor from someone named Janet, and she hates cyclists:

I will say it out loud; I hate bicyclists! And, after a brief survey, I know I’m not alone.

There's certainly room for debate when it comes to municipal issues such as bike lanes and so forth, but when someone just hates cyclists because they hate cyclists then they forfeit their right to rational discourse. You simply can't fight this kind of stupidity with reason--it's like trying to verbally coax your shoelaces to untie themselves, or showing your dog a PowerPoint presentation about why he shouldn't eat his own feces. Sure, in the real world Janet deserves to be treated with as much respect as anybody, but when it comes to an exchange of words and ideas she does not warrant respect, intelligent answers, or indeed any sort of explanation. Instead, I believe situations like this call for "idiot diplomacy," and I will answer her many questions using this protocol:

Maybe it’s the outfits, or maybe it’s the attitude. Share the road? Safe passing law? That’s great for them, but what is my recourse?

Good question, Janet. Your recourse is exactly to go fuck yourself. Sure, this may sound harsh, but fucking yourself is fun. And, better yet, the more time you spend trying to fuck yourself, the less time you spend trying to fuck us. It makes the roads safer for everybody.

I pay licensing fees, registration fees, and passed a test to use the road. And the cyclist requirement? None. So when they ride three abreast, halting the flow of traffic, or, without warning, decide to ride the center of the road, whom do I call?

I'd try either 1-800-FUK-SELF, or any of the few remaining people in your life who are still willing to listen to your moronic braying.

They rarely follow traffic signs or use hand signals, and yet it’s my fault when we nearly collide?

Yes, it is, because you're an idiot. And you're lying if you say you've never seen a cyclist use this hand signal.

Why not require all cyclists, both home-grown and visiting, to pass a road test, register, and post a license?

Because it's stupid, and you're stupid. Anyway, cyclists do have to pass road tests, register, and get a license--when they buy cars.

Why don’t we tax them? Then we would truly be sharing the road. Until then, go ahead and call my plate in; I unfortunately have no recourse.

Wow, I must have a really shitty accountant, because I've been paying taxes for years. Can you please point me to the statutes that exempt me from taxes because I'm a cyclist? Could you also point me to the various laws that exempt cyclists who also own cars from licensing, registration, tolls, and fuel costs?

Also, here's another question: When you walk into a crowded room, is there an actual audible sucking sound when you cause the average IQ to plummet like an out-of-control hillbomber?

If you don't like people being exempt from taxes, go bother a religious organization instead of people who like to ride bikes. Who do you think has caused you more problems in this world: cyclists, or "God?"

Speaking of hillbombers, the opposite of hillbombing is climbing, and maybe it would become more popular with the brakeless set if it had a catchier name, like "hillhumping." As it happens, someone called Manuel Forspeed recently "Tweeted" a hillhumping "edit," and then dared me to find anything funny about it:

Here's the video:


A Manual for Speed: Driveway Time Trial from manualforspeed on Vimeo.

Well, Manuel, given that my sense of humor stopped maturing sometime during middle school, I find the idea of a 30-second video that consists entirely of someone bobbing up and down while panting to be extremely funny. He's like totally humping that hill. Also, it's kind of funny that you can see a reflection of Manuel sitting in a hatchback in the rider's sunglasses, which spoils the sense of isolation:

I won't bother to point out the glasses-under-the-helmet strap thing, though, mostly because it's a petty critique in that if I climb anything steeper than the hill in Prospect Park I look like I've been lost in the Florida Everglades for three days. And that's to say nothing of the hill in this video, which would probably cause me to sit on the pavement and sob with a giant snot bubble in my nose.

Anyway, he looks much better than football playing person Tom Brady, who another reader informs me prefers to wear both his helmet straps behind his ears:

Maybe he was confused as to whether the glasses go over or under the straps, so he just figured he'd do neither.

157 comments:

Kenny Banya said...

Dandy!

Anonymous said...

Go Kenny!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Kenny said...

AND THAT'S HOW A BILL BECOMES A LAW!!!

le Correcteur said...

Top ten; maybe top 5; coasting!

Anonymous said...

Sweet!

maillot non said...

Bad lead out

Bob said...

top ten

Anonymous said...

At least ol' Tommy had his helmet facing forward

Anonymous said...

top ten, bitches!

theEel said...

almost

Anonymous said...

Folks sending you free stuff is not "aquiring."

Also, cool it with the naked recumbent lady, I'm a family man too and read this blog to my children.

Dan O said...

Top 20 !! BFD !!

Janet Martinez said...

Suck it and tax my balls!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Nice pic of the flotilla. Didn't notice the mini-snob at first. Looks like his cells are multiplying exponentially.

Oh yes keep it up with the nakid recumbent lady.

Udder said...

I'm disappointed in your long response to that foolish woman.

Remember, never argue with crazy people.

Bad Lawyer said...

Your posts over the last three days have been righteous. 'Loved the demolition of cycle-hating-bitch. But you missed the analogy when you said the London kid on the track bike was like Edward R. Murrow, Snob--we all know that he was just like Paul Revere warning the British not to take our guns away...or something stupid Sarah Palin said recently.

Anonymous said...

I'm not as harsh about Janet as you are because I feel exactly the same way about midgets.

Anonymous said...

middle of the pack is good.

cycle

Fuckmyselferson said...

I got a lisense!

Comment deleted said...

I can't take it anymore. This arbitrary roadie style diktat (glasses over helmet straps) is one of the stupidest things I've encountered. With glasses underneath, the helmet comes off and the glasses stay on. What could make more sense than that?

If you consider me a Fred because I refuse to kowtow to this idiocy, then please dial 1-800-FUK-SELF.

I may even get a helment mirror soon, since it might be nice to know if that weaving, texting asshole in the "car back" may have designs on my Fredly life.

Function over form, I say.

A. Nony Mous said...

KENN YFTW

Anonymous said...

Today's post wasn't as witty as usual BS, you're slipping when 4 responses are "fuck yourself" Thats something the 13 year old bully ingeniously comes up with.

Also, agree with cooling on the naked recumbent lady, lots of us read at work since you post during work hour.

JamesKInIA said...

I knew it! I spotted this Flotilla in the wild at Riis on Sunday. Thanks for the banana.

Etherhuffer said...

I will second the glasses under the straps. Forget just once and you have a 400 buck bill for new glasses. I'll take a Fred for that, thank you very much. Now, lets argue about something more important, such as whether your bell should be on your stem or handlebars. Geez

Terre Haute Karl said...

@Comment Deleted, I am with you. I am generally wearing my sunglasses before and after putting on the helment so why the hell would I put the straps under the glasses. It makes no sense. I have yet to hear one valid reason why the glasses should be over the straps...that is, besides "all the cool kids wear them that way."

Chris said...

Has anyone cycled in Kiryas Joel recently?

http://gothamist.com/2011/08/08/video_hikers_arrested_for_not_showi.php

Etherhuffer said...

Better yet, drop the bike chatter, and lets see who can put a name to the recumbabe first. She's gotta be out there somewhere.....

Anonymous said...

Is that "stupid Sarah Palin" or Sarah Palin saying something stupid?

Both, probably....

Too wet for rioting today....

hey nonny mouse

Kenny Banya said...

I wear my glasses over straps, but don't give a crap if you do...so there.

Also, I vote for keeping recumbabe. It's nice to have something familiar in these uncertain times...

ladymtbiker said...

Just gotta pile on about the glasses-over-straps thing; doesn't anyone else have to pull off glasses, wipe sweat from their brows (which I must do when climbing anything ever) and replace said glasses while still riding? I can do this, but I cannot replace glasses OVER straps while riding-- maybe it is a lack of dexterity, but there it is. Then I have been transformed into a Fredricka. It's just not fair...

Amy said...

+1 for less recumbabe.

What's the velominati's ruling on riding with actual prescription glasses? I actually tried to get contacts but riding + wind+ road grit + contacts is not really fun. And since I'm wearing them before I put on my helment, there's no way I'm going to take them off just to adhere to the style diktat. Anyway I'd guess it wouldn't even work since sunglass arms are straight, and don't curve behind the ears.

I'm sure they'd say that prescription sunglasses are the ticket, but a lot of my riding is done in the early morning/late evening hours, when sunglasses would be useless at best, and mostly dangerous at worst.

wishiwasmerckx said...

O.k., silly, the glasses go over the helmet straps so that you can easily take them off and stow them upside down on top of the helmet with the glasses arms stuck through the air vents in the helmet.

I will admit that I am unclear on the purpose for this, but I watched the TdF on Versus, and the cool kids in the peloton do this all the time.

It is much easier to attain this level of on-the-bike insouciance when the glasses are over the helmet straps than when under.

And there you have it...

I Go Around and Around said...

Stocks up! No wait...down! No...up! Down! Down! Downer! Downest! Up a tiny bit! Up! Up!

Boy financial reporting is a lot of work these days.

That letter to the editor there Snob shows why the most dangerous driver on the road these days for cyclists is a middle-age suburban housewife soccer mom porn-star wannabe politician Tea Bagging....

Wait, what was I saying?

Up!

And the weather in Central Park is lots of coolness with a nice dose of headwind followed by a few tourists hauled off to Mt. Sinai for x-rays due to falling-down-itis.

Down!

Anonymous said...

I could explain the straps under the glasses, but it's much easier to tell you to call 1-800-FUK-SELF.

Loose the nekkid recumbabe. Going to get my sorry butt fired...

Marcel Da Chump said...

The hills are alive

with the grunts of hill humpers.

ant1 said...

ladymtbiker - the female version of a fred is a wilma. and there's nothing wrong with that.

everyone - if the helment debate was finally settled with a no helment ruling, the over/under straps debate would go away. just sayin...

hillbilly said...

GENIUS! Loved it, thanks Snob

GhostOfTyrone said...

@wishiwasmerckx,

You are correct. Also, you wouldn't want to take any chances on blocking out "Oakley" or "Bolle" or "Project Rudy" (well...)

BikeSnobNYC said...

When cycling helmentless, does one wear the glasses over one's eyes or under them?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

leroy said...

My dog said he was getting me a PowerPoint presentation for my birthday next week.

I sure hope it's about the futility of trying to coax one's shoelaces to untie themselves.

I know it's the thought that counts.

I just don't know what he's thinking.

Comment deleted said...

@GhostOfTyrone - I think you have hit the nail on the head (and it should have been wearing a helment).

leroy said...

Wait, the recumbent lady is naked?

I thought she was wearing a skin suit.

Why am I always the last to know?

Wilma said...

When hillhumping helmentless I wear my dark tinted contact lenses.

Anonymous said...

Who do you think has caused you more problems in this world: cyclists, or "God?"

Excellent observation Snob, excellent.

My glasses go over the straps because THE MIRROR unbalances them to start with and they get pushed further down if they're under the strap. THE MIRROR with which I see idiots coming behind me and which has saved my life on multiple occasions.

cwcushman said...

@wishiwasmerckx,

I am guessing that the pros take off their glasses when they are in the mountains to keep their sweat from dripping on the lenses. I sweat quite heavily and it's annoying when the lenses get wet.

I also store my glasses on my helmet when it's too dark or they get dirty from mist/rain/sweat because they tend to scratch when I put them in my jersey.

leroy said...

I wear my glasses over my straps. They scrape behind my ears something fierce when worn underneath.

Anonymous said...

"Also, he rode 35 miles in under two days, which is more than most fixed-gear riders manage in a year. Rapha should present him with half a jersey."

Surely already noted, however:

GOLD
SNOBBY
GOLD !!!

Anonymous said...

Who do you think has caused you more problems in this world: cyclists, or "God?"

Fuck yeah, Snobbie, Fuck Yeah...

Queen Lizzy said...

I knight thee...

Sir Leon Piers, Douche of Bristol

Arise Douche!

Matt said...

Oh hell, I'll chime in too. I always wear the helment straps on the outside of the glasses. I wear glasses anyway, and can see no discernable reason to worry about getting the earpieces outside the straps other than slavish devotion to roadie fashion. But then I use a helment mirror, too, and watching the TdF was wondering why those racers don't, they kept looking backwards to see where their rivals were (or maybe check on their sunglass-wearing). And I have fenders. And a kickstand. And I pay taxes. Maybe if I wore my glasses outside my straps I'd be exempt from taxes too?

I vote for keeping recumbabe. Poor girl's going to end up with a funny suntan, though.

leroy said...

I don't mean to brag, but I once managed to hold the wheel of a celebrity bike blogger throughout the entire uncategorized climb in Prospect Park.

Those Surly Big Dummies are better suited for sprints.

gene99 said...

I've been on hold at 1-800-FUK-SELF for like 20 minutes (hands-free phone, course) - trying to renew my "ride three-a-breast" license. Very anti-climactic. (Is that a 30 second musak loop of Bolero?)

Wait. Wait!! It's... ringing...!!!

Anonymous said...

BOOBS! oh my god! EVIL BOOBS!!!


you boob fearing people sound like an Iowa caucus. i say recumbabe should stay. tell your coworkers to get bent.

Anonymous said...

Does a fixie-riding DJ sound peculiar to anyone else?

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with straps over shades? If I do it the other way around, they don't sit right.

GhostOfTyrone said...

I'm also wondering exactly what "glasses removal method" is being employed by those who seem to think that the placement of helmet straps is that much of an impediment.

I guess the dramatic, side swipe method of (while reading some hot copy) "This can't be true!"

Otherwise, I'm vexed...

Anonymous said...

Fuck You!!!!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Keep recumbabe. And not just for boobs' sake:
she keeps it all in perspective.

Anonymous said...

What? You don't fucking like it? Well, fuck you. I don't give a fuck, mother fucker.

--anon 2.27

Anonymous said...

Fuckin re-cum-babe! Fuck yeah!

I am a dumbfounded engine said...

"messenger-style diaper bag"

Are you serious?

They make such a thing, or did you have it custom curated, or was there an extensive collaboration involved?

Gene 99 said...

Notice the polite Wisconsin road sign: http://www.jsonline.com/blogs/lifestyle/127277918.html

g said...

While I don't want to bring logic into the debate (given the level of intelligence the anon's have been sharing), but the reason you wear your glasses outside your straps is that, if properly adjusted, your straps would be too tight against your face for the glasses to fit under them. The obvious exception be Mr Brady.

Anonymous said...

Fuck logic!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'll bite.

The point of wearing the glasses over straps is so when Janet runs you off the road, your glasses are free to disengage from your face.

Back when helments became mandatory, there may have been a pro or two who got some nasty scars on his face after crashing with his glasses under strap.

SFTY FRST

Taste me... said...

"Piers cycled the often hilly streets around the epicentres of the unrest – St Pauls, Stokes Croft, Cabot Circus and Broadmead"

Yes, Bristol is hilly, but the places he was patrolling are a square mile of epic flatness.

How can streets be "often hilly" anyway? Do they change at short notice?

Etherhuffer said...

Hey, more data. Some of us live in the great dry areas like the SW or such. Others, like the Snob, live in steamy, fetid New Yawk. A lot less sweatin in the dry counties, drip drip drip in the others. Its geography man, its just weather and geography. Steamy and fetid= outside the straps. Dry and chafing = inside the straps.

Now, back to your local recumbabe.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Areolae? It just doesn't look like she has any.

BikeSnobNYC said...

I am a dumbfounded engine,

I am serious! It's a Diaper Dude! (Not Diaper Duder.)

As for helmet straps and glasses, I wear one side over the strap and the other side under. I'm equally at home in the peloton or the charity ride.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Jesse Smith said...

For some cyclists, wearing the straps under the glasses creates the cranial equivalent of the farmer's tan. Rather than a healthy brown hue, you get two diagonal strips of acne that results from a sweat and bacteria soaked strap massaging the sides of your temple.
You're free to perpetuate a dubious code, just don't hate be cause I'm beautiful.

crosspalms said...

I like recumbabe's surprise appearances. I read at work, too, but it's not as if she climbs off the screen and walks around.

As for the sunglasses thing, I wear them under the straps because I just didn't know any better until I read Snob's book. Now I know better but I'm a slave to habit.

Unless I'm wearing my tweeds. Then I ditch the sunglasses and carry a lorgnette in my right hand and a glass of champagne in my left.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

You fuckin, fucks....

1. OVER the fuckin' straps because when the crash comes, I want the glasses to fly away and take the shattering plastic AWAY FROM MY FUCKIN' EYES!!!!

2. MORE fuckin' recumbabe! NOT fuckin' less!

3. and recumbabe's name is Janet Martinez of course!

sheesh, what a bunch of fuckin' fucks







...go fuck yourselves

stupid name said...

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/opinion/ct-vp-0811voicelettersbriefs-20110811-9,0,7106664.story

Two letters in the tribune about bikes. Why do they hatee bikes sooo much?

DillonBikes said...

Great post! keep it up

Anonymous said...

A bit of a knee-jerk response here to Janet, I'd say. First off, she's not talking income taxes, she's talking road taxes. The ones that pay for the roads we bi-cycle on. License, car registration, gas tax. They ain't cheap.
Second, given the number of column-inches you've spent on bike-messengers and salmoning, you should understand why drivers might think bi-cyclist appear out of nowhere and ignore the basic rules of the road.
And as a cyclist (in both NYC and LA), I always took care to ride a narrow strip on the right side of the road to allow the cars to go by unimpeded (while scanning ahead to keep from being doored). As a driver, I can't stand bi-cyclists who take a lane to themselves and create a traffic jam behind them rather than move over a bit. Safer? Dunno, but creating a line of angry drivers behind you isn't going to make any of them want to "share the road."
She sounded quite a bit saner in her arguments then you did in your reaction.

grog said...

Love Recumbabe. Thank you.
Wear your shades under your eybrows, and over your ears.
The rest doesn't much matter.

I am a confused engine said...

"For too long fathers have had to make a choice when taking baby out for a little bonding time at the park, store, or coffee shop. Pack up the backpack stored in the closet, or grab the cute, flowery, soft pink diaper bag and just go with it. Diaper Dude Diaper Bags let Dad hang out with baby like a father, without making you look like a mother."

Snobby say it aint so, you now havee a little duder, chicks like guys with little duders and girly diaper bags, it shows that they are unavailable, and not chosing an alternative lifestyle with "Chad", and raising an adopted son. Not that there is anything wrong with "alternative" lifestyles.

CM said...

G you stated "While I don't want to bring logic into the debate (given the level of intelligence the anon's have been sharing), but the reason you wear your glasses outside your straps is that, if properly adjusted, your straps would be too tight against your face for the glasses to fit under them. The obvious exception be Mr Brady."

Yes but I have tried two pairs of shades with my helmet and neither of them stayed on when placed over the strap. With full skin contact however, they stuck like glue. It also felt uncomfortable with the straps rubbing on the side of my head.

David Henderson said...

For some reason recumbababe appears more naked today than other days.

To me the sunglasses/strap is strictly a question of comfort.

However I prefer my audio-lines to travel under the straps; thereby they can hang from the straps vs fall and tangle into the rear wheel.

Anonymous said...

Rule-of-Thumb: glasses (more precisely, the temple arms) over helmet straps if non-prescription and under if prescription. As many a myopia/presbyopia suffering bicyclist will attest, it is best to keep your vision at all times and in all situations, even when adorning or removing said helmet.
But even better, however contra-dictory to bicycle fashion -or fashion in general- wearing the temple arms under the helmet straps allows the easy employment of the idiot string. In fact, I am wearing one now; I, therefore, am an idiot.

crosspalms said...

If Janet Martinez knew how much money we bi-cyclists save by not paying taxes for anything, she'd be a cyclist in no time. I'm surprised there aren't more people abandoning their cars and taking up the great free lunch of cycling. Maybe it's fear of getting wet. Don't they know if it rains they can always take the bus?

Anonymous said...

I like having the straps under the glasses because it holds them closer to my face and creates less "wind roar" from the straps flapping in the breeze. It is also way more aerodynamic and adds at least 0.00002 mph to my average speed.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

3:02

I think the problem is Janet, like many others paints ALL cyclists with the same brush. I completely agree that there seem to be more cyclists breaking the rules than car drivers (and that factor is easily remedied with CONSISTENT LOGICAL enforcement through ticketing by the police), but the problem is still with INDIVIDUALS and not the cycling group as a whole. Janet's logical argument is to call the cops when she sees a flagrant violation - not make illogical arguments in the newspaper. Additionally, a GREAT majority of cyclists drive cars in the licensedway and so DO pay the applicable road taxes. Finally, I'll take the lane when I need to, as it's my right. If there are cars piling up behind you when you do it, then pedal faster, you fuck!

Twist of Cain ... OH. said...

"f there are cars piling up behind you when you do it, then pedal faster, you fuck!"

+1, hell, make it 2...

ashcroftchops said...

What is it with some sections of the cycling fraternity and their obsession with bananas? I can quite happily survive a cycle excursion with my handlebar bag packed with half a kilo of crisps (potato chips to you my american friends) and a bottle of Jack Daniels. Bloody bicycle puffs. I've shit em!

Massive Epicosity said...

SELF FUCK

FUCK JNET

Oh, and keep Recumbabe.

Bristol Traffic said...

Regarding doing 35mph by bike in Bristol, it does have 1 in 4 hills, and if you choose the wrong route in a fixie you are going to suffer.

After the intermittent civil unrests, it has a problem with police parking in bike lanes that puts even the NYPD to shame.

John said...

Pointing out that you also pay taxes and have a driver's license is buying into their discourse. It's accepting the premise that you must be licensed and registered to travel by any mode. You're walking away from a vigorous defense of your right to travel wherever the fuck you want, whenever the fuck you want, and fuck you for saying otherwise.

You have to register motor vehicles and get licenses to drive them because they're big fucking killing machines that in the hands of the incompetent would cause tens of thousands of deaths a year. Wait... what? We have to balance the freedom to travel with the right to not get killed en masse.

There is no such tradeoff for other modes of travel, so there is no fucking reason at all for Government to interfere whatsoever with our freedom to ride! Janet should move her authoritarian ass to North Korea or some other hellhole where she'll feel more at home.

bikesgonewild said...

...i remember the street riots back in the summer of 2011...it was an ugly & dangerous time...

...disenchanted cyclists in hotbeds of unrest like portland, san francisco & nyc gathered in packs, blocking bike lanes, divided by a palpable tension...

...soon, the first stone was cast...

..."you fucking freds wear yer helmets straps over yer fucking glasses...you fucking losers !!!"...

..."oh ya !!!...well i've seen you hipsters wearing skate punk helments...guess it doesn't matter how you wear yer glasses when that's what you put on your head..."...

..."fuck you, don't call me out, you bitch...lookit that roadie wearing a rapha kit...you know how much that shit costs & here we are in a fucking economic melt down ???...it's like he doesn't care about america"...

..."hey, what the fuck...i work hard for this shit & i'll ride what i wanna ride & wear what i wanna wear...at least i'm supporting somebody's economy...you little fucking pissant hipsters are like the peasants of the cycling world"...

..."hey dude, those glasses are forte's, right ???...what the fuck ???...forte's, really ???...you prob'ly ride a scattante', right...ha, ha, check it out, this dude rides a fucking scattante'...that's fucking sick"...

..."ya, well, so what ???...at least it's a fixed gear...you couldn't ride a fixed gear...you wouldn't know how...none a you guys would...you think that fucking fred could do a 'whipskid'" ???
...

...well, i won't get into the graphic details but it got a lot uglier before saner heads prevailed...

...a lotta egos suffered major bruises & a lotta feelings were hurt...badly, i might add...

...ya, it'll be a long time before i forget about the bicycle riots in the summer of 2011, here in america...

...just sayin'...

Steve Courtright said...

"I pay licensing fees, registration fees, and passed a test to use the road."

No. Actually she does all this to operate a 4000 pound motorized vehicle on the same roads occupied by other people. Since it is borderline idiotic to want to operate a 4000 pound motor vehicle in the first place, the government instituted some minimal hurdles to keep out the complete morons, thus creating a population of road users that unfortunately omit only the very last rung of the human ladder.

Anonymous said...

@DaddoOne
I pass hundreds and hundreds of drivers on my commute each day, and 99.9% of them follow the rules of the road. So the crazy loon really stands out and doesn't tar all drivers with the "loon" brush.
On the other hand, I pass about 5 bi-cyclists (who knows how many Janet sees), and if 3 of them are running red lights or cutting across two lanes to make a left without signaling or salmoning, that makes generalizations much more accurate on a percentage basis.
Maybe readers of this blog don't fall into that category, or even friends of readers of this blog, but ride down the street (like Snobby does) and you see loons all over. If they weren't there, Snobby would have a lot less blog fodder. That's why I found his reponse so over-the-top.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:00pm,

My response was deliberately over-the-top, but where I live the drivers are easily as "loony" as the cyclists, while being vastly more murderous.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

bikesgonewild said...

...on a real & more somber note, the woman who was hit by a cyclist running a red light along sf's embarcadero back on july 15th, died today, in hospital, of the critical injuries she sustained in the accident...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

4:00:

my point is, if you are so offended by the loons (and not every cyclist) then call the cops on the loons - or complain about the loons - not every cyclist - for instance Snobby calls them SALMON - not CYCLISTS.

get it (you fuck)?

Etherhuffer said...

Americans are not Dutch. We don't live that level of civilization. Rules are for other people, especially as we go about breaking them daily.

Like pizza, barbecue,and rock music, you will never have concensus about what is best or who is right or wrong. All I know is that cars can kill me and I can't kill a car, so I ride safely. All the salmon and red light blowers however make the individual driving the car more likely to kill ME out of spite.

Anonymous said...

@WRM
I get that cars can kill bi-cyclists and that the balance of power is in the hands of the driver. But most drivers don't see themselves as biker-killers any more than they see themselves as pedestrian killers or any other type of killer. I don't drive around making mental calculations about who I'm next going to kill with my car.
Janet is annoyed that she has to be constantly aware of the loons (possibly a large % of the cyclists she encounters) and they don't seem to have to share the same awareness of her. She's probably not thinking "weight-factor," but she very well may be thinking "if I have to share the road, I want to share it with someone as trained to use it as I have to be in my car." Pedestrians don't need licenses, but of course, they have sidewalks.

Anonymous said...

@DaddoOne
Any commenter who can't get through a comment box without saying "fuck" can't really be considered "esteemed," can they?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:13pm,

I'd counter that Janet is actually annoyed because she is under the mistaken impression that she bought special rights to the road and she's upset that people with sweaty thighs are encroaching on the "extra legroom" seat that exists only in her mind.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

crosspalms said...

anon 4:16

At least DaddoOne read the fucking post

Tucker Doubt said...

Anon 1:00 PM.....

Are you reading this blog to your children because they are too young to read it themselves? If that's the case then they probably aren't getting too offended, or aroused by the naked recumbabe photo. After all, they should have been sucking on nipples very similar to hers not too long ago.

And to all those who try to read this blog at work but can't because of the nudity....
You are at WORK.

To BSNYC.....
If you side with the puritans, please cover those titties with the face of former attorney general John Ashcroft. Thank you

crosspalms said...

and double century, here we come. Woo hoo!

Anonymous said...

@WRM
If you're right and she thinks she bought the road, then I'll have to agree with you. I didn't read it that way as her solution was bi-cyclist testing and licensing. And I also gave her the benefit of the doubt because I have more than once wanted roll the window down to shout at the salmon: "YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD!"

Test Tickle said...

@Etherhuffer

Amen to that last sentence. Last night I attempted to "inform" a lady that she cut across busy traffic to make a left turn from the right lane she was in...

Her response, "Do I know you?!" Of course I didn't reply because that just leads to arguments with clueless twats (no pun intended)...

What I should have answered was, "Yes, YOU DO KNOW ME, I am a cyclist."

So many fuckos don't realize that what THEY do reflects on what I DO and every other cyclist who's out there TRYING to somewhat follow the rules and set a good example so all of those auto-nazi/bike haters will shut the hell up...

balls.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Top (hundred and) ten!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

@ 4:16

I bet you know what I'm thinking.

Etherhuffer said...

@Test Tickle

Indeed. We are judged by the least of us, albeit so are drivers. I am not too good at verbal warfare when caught off guard, but like you, I try to get dangerous drivers to be aware of what they have done or are doing. My wife gets pissed when I honk at other drivers who are doing something dumb or dangerous. "Well dear, how they gonna learn?"

kemlaw said...

well, i got no issues with cycling licence..... it may be a good thing

Marcel Da Chump said...

Is that Gisele?
She's scorching hot in person.

henry gibson said...

a poem

roses are red
violets are blue
dearest janet
fuck you

Cowboy Philosopher said...

Just one thing, dude: Do you have to use so many cuss words?


oh and more recumbabe.
Please.

Anonymous said...

i'd like to visit the place where 99.9% of drivers follow the rules of the road. like for example never exceeding the speed limit (by even 1mph), changing lanes without signaling, double parking?

in nyc every time a light turns red a few cars run it. thousands of intersections, hundreds of times a day. that's a lot more lawlessness than cyclists running red lights.

Anonymous said...

Could it be that one reason people dislike us is that we're the sort of people who will actually debate whether the helmet straps should go over or under? As if it mattered. Being the sort who wants to offend no one, I wear straps over on one side and under on the other.

Smugness panties!

Anonymous said...

My lead out duder just refused to lead me out!

Then I learn via Twitter he's leaving me!

Looks like I won't win much next year...

Anonymous said...

KEEP
RECUMBABE!

Anonymous said...

I wear my glasses over my eyes all the time.

It's just more practical.

Anonymous said...

Breasts are scary?

Old Penis said...

Scary? If 80 years old, yes.

Marcel Da Chump said...

She hates me--
Janet does.
It must be the outfit.
I follow all the rules.
She hates my outfit!
My vanity is wounded
and I'm dead inside.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I can't believe that we are debating recumbabe. Hey, I am as horny as the next guy (or two), but she looks like Yoko Ono and she rides a recumbant. If that is not a boner-killer, I don't know what is...

Anonymous said...

Keep recumbabe naked!

To all the people at work I say: work!

Etherhuffer said...

@WIWM How about a naked Patty Smith naked on a recumbant? Amy Carter? Janet Reno? Hell, Yoko is wood-worthy in comparison!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Etherhuffer, if it was just a naked Patti Smith, I could see your point, but, as you pointed out, a naked Patti Smith naked...well, now, that's a horse of a different color...

doof said...

you put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up!

glasses for seeing, always under my helment straps.

my bike was recently propositioned to be in a group shot in an upcoming filming of a portlandia episode. i declined when i learned that it would require handing over my bike to an intern for 4 days while she/he also tried to keep track of hundreds of other bikes. plus i actually do need to get to work sometimes

Etherhuffer said...

@WIWM Well, that will teach me to be drunk while typing drunk. I now have to go foff off while foffing off.....

leroy said...

Patti Smith? They don't write love songs like hers anymore:

My bowels are empty, excreting your soul
What more can I give you? Baby I don't know
What more can I give you to make this thing grow?
Don't turn your back now, I'm talking to you.

People just don't appreciate the classics anymore.

I mean, when was the last time you heard a great karoke rendition of "Pissing In A River"?

Sarah said...

Great and not-at-all over-the-top post Wildcat. Anyone who brings up gas taxes, registration fees and so forth as an argument against cyclists can go fuck themselves too. The fees that car drivers pay do *not* cover the cost of road and parking lot maintenance and construction. The rest is paid for from other forms of taxation which everyone has to pay, car driver or not. In effect, then, drivers are being subsidized by non-drivers (including cyclists who don't drive). And yet some of them still have the nerve to suggest that it is the other way around.

r503 said...

"If you don't like people being exempt from taxes, go bother a religious organization instead of people who like to ride bikes. Who do you think has caused you more problems in this world: cyclists, or "God?""

FUCK YES! Send this idea off to the "Super Committee" stat.

Unknown said...

Summertime: sunglasses over helment straps. Wintertime: Sunglasses under skullcap/balaclava under helment. Can't do it any other way.

female mechanic now on duty said...

Humperhill.

Janet from another planet.

Recumbabe: the isuue is about cum and babe
together. Prude against, swinger for.

I wear my sunglasses at night.

Tom & Gisele: fantabulous fuck buddies.

Vegas said...

Thank you, Steve Courtright.

Also, Saarah is right.
Say it with me:
THERE IS NO ROAD TAX
THERE IS NO ROAD TAX
We all pay for roads. Gasoline taxes and vehicle taxes only pay for around 55% of road projects (in the US)
http://www.transalt.org/files/newsroom/magazine/032Spring/02provocateur.html

and not all of the gas tax even goes to roads
http://www.taxfoundation.org/research/show/22669.html.
I wish I could find an actual number of what percent of the gas tax revenue is raided for other purposes.

And in the UK it's such a constantly perpetuated myth (by dumb drivers) that they have a website totally dedicated to it
http://http://ipayroadtax.com/

Vegas said...

Oh, and you can't tell when you punch a hole in your sock while you're wearing it? WTH?

SF Pissant said...

"I pass hundreds and hundreds of drivers on my commute each day, and 99.9% of them follow the rules of the road"
I pass hundreds and hundreds of drivers and I would say at least 15% of them have phones in ther hands, which is illegal in this state. The other day a woman passed me on a fast moving road and I saw she was looking down. When I caught up with her at the next stop sign I saw she was typing on her laptop, which was on her lap. She didn't appreciate being flipped off for some reason.

Vegas said...

Lastly, Amy, you need these:
addidas Evil Eye Pro

Prescriptionway is separate from colourway so you can switch from blacked-out to clear in a minute when the sun spins too far westward. Also you can purchase many shadeways in-between. And check the rest of the site as frames come in different colourways, sizeways and configurationways: large, small, round, square, half-frame.

I've been wearing them for 10 years and seriously can not say enough good things about them.

Jasper said...

WIWM - I have to agree on the "she looks like Yoko Ono and she rides a recumbant" being not so sexy. Definitely not an eligible one.

ken e. said...

what the hell? if all these numbers have been generated by the cum-nosed tadpole i will be pissed.

comedy is swear words plus time and more swear words!

Anonymous said...

Recumbabe! Everyday and all the time; if the losers in your "workplace" object, find a new job.

@Jesse Smith-There is this stuff recently invented by artisanal chemists called soap- you use it in the "shower"- that thing in your bathroom with all the pipes and faucets- to get the sweat and bacteria off of your melon and the rest of your skinway after a particularly schvetty ride. Take your helmet in with you. It will dry.

Oh- did I mention I vote for recumbabe, and anyone who gives a shit about where others wear their straps needs to re-focus.

JDH said...

Who wears a helment anyway? And it's not God who causes problems, it's people who pretend to know God. She won't put up with this shit much longer.

Fond de Janet said...

Anon. 3:02

"...while scanning ahead to keep from being doored"

This method is only barely useful.
When you figure for reaction time and braking distance, scanning ahead won't help you in most cases of dooring, the only way is to be consistently far away from doors.

If anyone builds up traffic behind them - a very rare occurence - yes, bi-cyclists should let traffic pass.
But it's your choice if you believe motorist convenience trumps your own safe progress.

One shares the road because it is a shared *public* resource and as such is not optimized for one user group even though they are the majority.

Yes, many cyclists suck at operating. Enforce the existing law, write tickets, but don't make new ones that also won't be enforced.

Anonymous said...

Recumbabe does have kind of funny nipples.

R. Johnson said...

woke up this mornin' and all my shrimps was dead and gone

Anonymous said...

Some more naive nobs that just don't get it - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Driving-on-the-bike-path-just-to-see-how-cyclists-like-it/113633978735210

Nick said...

I am really sorry to hear about that poor person hit by a RLJing cyclist in SF.
I f@cking HATE RLJers and NEVER do it.

To put it in perspective though, in London I believe the cyclist fatalities are well into double figures year to date.

The danger posed by cyclists is, for entirely obvious reasons, materially lower than motorised vehicles.

I hope that motherf@cking RLJer gets a sound pounding in the showers when they lock him up.

Nick said...

Oh and from my 2 mins on Google:
Janet Martinez appears to run this pub:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Burts-Irish-Pub/93058316886?sk=info

Feel free to boycott the place if you happen to pass through Stowe, VT.

buy domain said...

I don't like bananas. I don't know why?

bikesgonewild said...

...anyone else in the mood for some esteemed clams ???...

bikesgonewild said...

...nick...the number of cyclists killed per year in the greater bay area has averaged about 23 since 2005...this is with an approximate population of just over 7 million...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Thanks Nick.
So, Janet runs an Irish pub
and has the gall
to criticize my outfit.

JB said...

Recumbabe is the least sexualized naked adult human I've seen. Keep her. She's so relaxed.

Anonymous said...

Family style portaging is a zen-like experience; nothing more fun than taking the munchkins out on a fully loaded Workcycles FR8 doing about 4 miles an hour on the west side bike path. The only hard part is avoiding the FREDS and their insecure need for speed. I thought they were deliberately trying to hit people; now i know it's because they have their sunglasses on upside down/backwards/inside out!

Anonymous said...

You have probably seen this already, NYTimes journalist riding across the US and writing his adventure - http://intransit.blogs.nytimes.com/category/life-is-a-wheel/?ref=travel

Anonymous said...

Fuck Janet.

She had it coming. That being said there really are a lot of assholes on bikes that make me ashamed to be on a bike somedays, like the dickhead I saw last night on a ridiculously crowded portion of Westside greenway, yelling "HEY, HEY, HEY,HEY, HEY!" at some poor woman who was just trying to move out of the guy's way with her little dog.

If I would have been in range I would have hit him in the face with my U lock. Don't get me wrong people who insist on meandering, picnicking, walking five abreast, etc in specially designated bike-only lanes deserve to be hit by Snob's fully loaded Big Dummy at 'whoo-hoo' speed + 20, But when a open park area is intended to be shared by pedestrians, roller bladers, dog-walkers, small children, etc and it is crowded with such, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN, don't be such a dick, and stop giving the Janets of the world really good reasons to hate all of us.

I'm done

Johann Rissik said...

My helment straps chafe my groin. Must be recumbabe's fault.

FR said...

LOL those shorts are great!

Bloc hornet said...

lol agreed, cool shorts!

Fixie Bikes said...

Maybe it's the outfit and the attitude?

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