Friday, August 12, 2011

BSNYC Friday Failed Search For Meaning! (Now With 60% More Despair!)

Subsequent to yesterday's post, entitled "Lying Down On The Job: Wet Hot Recumbent Riders," there was a great deal of discussion regarding the complex relationship between glasses and helmet straps. Indeed, in the cycling world, the dance between accessories is a highly choreographed one, and the slightest misstep can render cycledom's self-appointed panel of judges apoplectic. It can also touch off lengthy debates--especially if helmets are in any way even remotely involved.

Another contentious subject is cycling shorts. For some, a simple pair of half shorts is sufficient. For others, nothing but bib shorts will do, and anybody who forgoes stretchy suspenders is a subject of scorn. This could be why the Wikipedia entry for cycling shorts features a model wearing bibs:

The above link was sent to me by a reader who felt compelled to bring the bib short model to my attention, and I do agree that whoever edited this particular entry made a bold choice, for he does look rather nonplussed:

I'd really like to know the backstory behind this photo. Did he pose specifically for the Wikipedia entry? Or did he have aspirations to be a Performance catalog model and this is an outtake from his portfolio? Was there a Michelangelo Antonioni's "Blow-up"-slash-Austin Powers-esque fashion photographer kneeling in front of him and shouting, "You're nonplussed! Show me nonplussed, you sexy animal!"? Or are all of these scenarios totally off, and the Wikipedia editor simply pulled the photo from the Craigslist "Casual Encounters" section? The truth is, we may never know, because I'm not about to go sifting through the "Casual Encounters" section to find out.

Either way, it's doubtful that the Wikipedia cycling short guy could ever attain the lofty heights of being an Assos model, which calls for someone who looks like he spent 17 hours lying on a tanning bed and as such can no longer move or see:


There is one argument in favor of half shorts though, which is that they're slightly better for "portaging:"

The shorts above are part of the new "Primal Wear After Dark" collection.

Speaking of naughtiness, another reader alerted me to the following photo from Cyclingnews:

If you're a cycling photographer who wants to visit a Dutch sex worker but doesn't want to pay for it, I can't think of a better way of turning it into a legitimate business expense.

Lastly, on Wednesday I posted a picture of a PVC cockpit, and via the same reader comes this truly magnificent "catpit:"

Though the pussy in question does look somewhat nonplussed:

It's tough to tell from the angle whether the cat is wearing half shorts or bibs, though either way he really should be wearing a helment.

With that out of the way, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right, your life will once again have meaning and darkness will give way to light. If you're wrong, you'll look deep into the recesses of your soul and find nothing, and you'll also see a compelling documentary about cycling in the Netherlands.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and always wear your glasses under your bibs.


--Wildcat Rock Machine



("You maniacs!!!")

1) According to a Daily News editorial, the maniac's bicycle of choice is the:

--Felt
--Cannondale
--Specialized
--Serotta





("All you haters suck my diktats.")

2) According to roadie "weird style diktats," helmet straps are to be worn:

--Over your glasses
--Under your glasses
--Behind your ears
--Between your buttocks






3) After happening upon a marijuana patch while out on a Wednesday ride, a California cyclist immediately:






(My First Fixie™: Collect them all!)

4) Customizing your bike is "out;" customizing your u-lock is "in."






5) In a recent short film about Flying Pigeon bicycles, what are these?





6) This bicycle was spotted in Portland, Or.

--Duh




7) The Cervelo P3. It's not a bike. It's a _____:




***Special Fred Velocity Bonus Question***



In certain circumstances, 42mph is sufficient to make a Fred go "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!"


93 comments:

Anonymous said...

first?

Bam goes the Muffin said...

V

Kenny Banya said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

see, any one of these pix is more hilarious than recumbabe.

3G said...

Bonghits for jesus!

Paul Bowen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
etherhuffer said...

top ten? Helment

ringcycles said...

Damn it janet!

Anonymous said...

top ten!

cycle

GhostOfTyrone said...

I've always wondered what people wore under their Storm Trooper costumes... Thanks Wikipedia!

streepo said...

Perfect score!!

Anonymous said...

Nihilism is neat!

Kenny Banya said...

"You're nonplussed! Show me nonplussed, you sexy animal!"?

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

Kenny Banya said...

"I've always wondered what people wore under their Storm Trooper costumes... Thanks Wikipedia!"

Gold Tyrone, GOLD!

shmaltz herring said...

http://www.seinfeld-fan.net/pictures/george/george_costanza015.jpg

ant1 said...

ant1st!

crosspalms said...

I was going to point out that question 1 should say Daily News, but then I hit "wind-tunnel tested lump of Fred bait" and lost it. I think I've recovered, but I'm still wiping my eyes.

Doug said...

I tried to follow the "Rules", really I did...but when a bee flew in my helment, and I took it off "on the fly", my incredibly expensive prescription sports glasses went flying away with the bee, with predictable results. So ashamed as I am to admit it, I have taken the fredly route, and remain in the understrap camp.

Anonymous said...

The Roermond ITT in the Eneco Tour today, wobbled past my favorite Dutch Coffeeshop!!

Max Power said...

Damn you all to Hell!!!!

I am a sad engine said...

Why does Rupurt Murdoch hate cyclists?

Maybe they are militant free thinkers?

We obviously are stooopid, and need to be shown our place.

Anonymous said...

Wade1st!

arg, spent too much time peeling my banana.

Anonymous said...

the link to question three answer nonplusses me.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad recumbabe didn't know about the hand sandwich even if she does have funny nipples.

Got a perfect score on the quiz today: every one wrong!

hillbilly said...

That post editorial was actually the Daily News, not that it matters. Have a good weekend, WRM!

hillbilly said...

oops, crosspalms beat me to it. I retract

Anonymous said...

I'm glad recumbabe didn't know about the hand sandwich even if she does have funny nipples.

Got a perfect score on the quiz today: every one wrong!

Grump said...

There are rules, and then there are rules. The only time I deviate from the eyewear rule is for winter rides where I have something over my ears.
The bib rule depends on the "gut" factor. If you have no gut, you are allowed to wear half-shorts.

Anonymous said...

The female Assos model has a nice four-finger gap there.

It makes me want moose knuckle for lunch today.

JM Sotiron said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ladymtbiker said...

Not to be a grump, but did anyone else notice that the assos clothing site divides into two categories: 1) man; and 2) lady?

crosspalms said...

Is "Robin Moore" actually Andy Samberg?

Barbarosa said...

Anybody know where I can get the Michaelangelo/David/Statue shorts?

Lotus83 said...

I was hoping for a vagina garden question,,,

Anonymous said...

Don't be fooled by the bad Euro-aping.

The M.C. Allez video was shot in Marin, on a stretch of road known as the Seven Sisters, or depending on how you feel about them, the Seven Bitches.

Car commercials are filmed on that stretch all the time, but there's not much traffic up there aside from cyclists.

Anonymous said...

Assos Girl FTW
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Assos-Girl/53668743586

let me see here said...

"helment"?

i thought it was

"helmnet"

or is a helmnet (i know i saw that term here back during the last war twixt naked noggins and capped craniums) the safety device (ala Ringling Bros et al Circus) which catches the pvc, duct tape, and non-plussed pussies (or other freeloading riders) sucked by gravity and other Newtonian forces from ones creaturifficly appointed bicycle command center?

is it, huh?

wp

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Boy that Dutch sex worker has got some guns on her.

Sucked at the quiz as usual.

You guys are awesome, have a great weekend! I'm gonna go have a beer.

Hairy-legged roadie said...

More non-plussed pussies for you: http://www.catswearingthongs.org/

Anonymous said...

Do you mean "nonplussed" ("so surprised and confused that one is unsure how to react").

Or do you mean "nonplussed" ("North American informal not disconcerted; unperturbed").

http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/nonplussed


I'm so nonconfused!

Anonymous said...

Do you mean "nonplussed" ("so surprised and confused that one is unsure how to react").

Or do you mean "nonplussed" ("North American informal not disconcerted; unperturbed").

http://oxforddictionaries.com/definition/nonplussed


I'm so nonconfused!

Brian said...

I really thought that the Le Velo dude was Ricco.

xyxax said...

If you have no ass crack, you can wear half shorts.

Anonymous said...

Goofed on #6.

Anonymous said...

Oompa, loompa, doompety-dee!
I've got another riddle for thee.

What do you get when you squeeze all your fat into a pair of bib shorts like that?

Anonymous said...

wishiwasmerckx said...
"I am newly back on the dating scene, and am quickly discovering that most eligible women put adult cycling enthusiasts in about the same category as adult Star Wars figurine collectors."

Funny, talked to my wife about this last night, and her response, even as an non-eligible woman, "Yep, and your question is what?"

Love you too dear!

Now I wonder if Wildcat Rock Machine has the guts to ask his wife? Could make for a very interesting post!

Thank God Love is blind... and in my case, has no sense of smell.

GhostOfTyrone said...

@anon 2:31 -

A boner?

Anonymous said...

Dammit, I broke my Wookie!

Anonymous said...

YES!!! Another Burlington VT classic! I am so happy to see the cat-pit on this blog, since NOBODY I meet outside of burlington believes me about that guy.

Anonymous said...

Also, I swear to "God" I have seen that cat on that bike wearing little sunglasses.

anon 2.44

ringcycles said...

I could totally market those half shorts in NYC:

"David Shorts: for the post-op transexual with a sense of irony"

leroy said...

My dog tried to convince me that if I wore my bib straps over my jersey and put on a Tyrolean hat, I could get free beer at an Oktoberfest event.

I'll never know if he was pulling my leg because I couldn't find a tuba, which he said I'd also need.

Ride safe all (with or without tuba).

Anonymous said...

Assos dude is a triathlete who works for a pharmacy in Lugano (yes, true) while Assos girl studies in Milan and has an exclusive modelling contract with Assos.

I Go Around and Around said...

Woohoo! On your left Wall Street! On your left Republican Presidential candidates! Woohoo!

And the weather in Central Park for today is nifty with a significant number of women in boy shorts both running and cycling providing both motivation and inspiration for higher average speeds.

See you at Summer Streets Mr. & Mrs. Snobby & Snobblet?

Anonymous said...

for wet hot recumbent riders, go to recumbentporn.com

Anonymous said...

Also, that cat is not strapped in our anything. It just sits there.

chill.

Fuck Assos. Poseur bullshit fucks. Velominati freddom.

2.44

Anonymous said...

@anon 2:44pm,
"Dammit, I broke my Wookie!"
Yep, talk about taking all the wind out of the sails of the smugness flotilla. Realizing that your life's passion looks like a home-brewed Storm Trooper uniform puts "saving the world, one pedal stroke at a time" in check.

Anonymous said...

Realizing that I'm a hell of a lot closer to this guy than I would like: http://tosh.comedycentral.com/video-clips/web-redemption---tron-guy

RedHeadForWorldDomination said...

I can't wait until the next "Lots of bicycles, parked" edit drops. That's the illest parking job ever!

Anonymous said...

RATS WNGS

Anonymous said...

Oompa, loompa, doompity-dossum!
Fat squeezing bib shorts are totally awesome!

ant1 said...

assos girl. mmmm....

Teemac said...

I don't believe that female Assos model is really a cyclist.

Teemac said...

Amy! Recumbabe is NOT even entered in the "Hilarity" category. C'mon... let's keep it apples to apples.

Bobby said...

Hey, I am surprised that nobody has commented on the Fredly method of wearing the shirt UNDER the bibs (yeah, the photo has a tank top, but you know what I mean). Nothing like riding down the boulevard looking eerily reminiscent of Borat in his Mankini. Snob, didn't you post a Fredulicious photo of two dudes with the jerseys underneath?

Nine times out of ten, a bee in the helmet vent zips right through to the other side, so be sure to pull to a stop before freaking out!

For the bridge pedestrian-vs-cyclist lane problem, they need a genuine Bike SnobNYC NO SALMON sign.

CM said...

I really hate Assos stuff. They make cycling gear too scientific and elitist. I also hate bib shorts as they're a hassle when you need to piss.

Anonymous said...

...pretty sure the photo is to show the bibs off--not to represent how the Loompa wears them while riding. A t-shirt under the bibs helps prevent "bib short nippleitis," which if you've ever experienced, is much like handling your genitalway without washing your hands after applying embrocation balm--hence, the nipple protective undershirt. A jersey is usually worn over the t-shirt/bib combo.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 5:06, even though I readily acknowledge that I am just some fat old man, I still try to emulate the pros to the maximum extent I can. I note that now, many pros have begun to wear moisture-management tees under their bibs, even on the hottest of days in the tour. This eliminates the need for the quaint and time-honored tradition of snatching a newspaper to shove up under the jersey at the summit of a big climb.

Sure, that guy is a dork-and-a-half, but it has as much to do with the lumpy physique, the glasses and the Abe Lincoln beard as the tee.

What do you expect from a ginger?

Anonymous said...

WishIwasCannibal--I was serious about the t-shirt under the bibs. That's how I palp 'em. Protects the Nips from chafing.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Remember that "fifth tube" cockpit.
Mystery solved: the half short model has the answer in her shorts.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...as regards your comments: "...I am just some fat old man, I still try to emulate the pros to the maximum extent I can."...et moi...

...& "...many pros have begun to wear moisture-management tees under their bibs, even on the hottest of days in the tour..."...

...i go a step further these days as i've now taken to wearing a 'moisture-management' system under my bibs also...

...they're called 'depends' & while they leave me looking a little lumpy, my comfort level for long rides has shot sky high...

...just thought it would be good to share...

bacycles said...

Netherlands instructional video : Peter Sellars is alive and well and living in Amsterdam? More! More!

la Causa Nostradamus said...

And the answer to next week's Friday quiz is;

Friday August 19, 2011

1. Fred

2. Carbon Fiber eating Pandas

3. Douche'

4. Bag

5. 2011 Cat 6 Tour de Williansburg

6. Anti Hipster spray repellent

7. Cipollini's massive throbbing male thang

8. 2012 Hot Karl Olympiad

9. Worlds First Smugatourium

10. Cipo's immense meat stick

Cipollini said...

Flash Mob

3 PM

My Pants

ringcycles said...

Let me figure this out:
A wiki-dork modeling bib shorts,
A Assos tri-stud model,
A Assos nipple nuzzling femme model,
A dutch pro watching the pro's in a dutch race,
Homo-erotic half shorts,
A non-plussed pussy,
A maniacal shirtless Heston frolicking in the surf,

you covered alot of esoteric erotica today.

Rock On, Wildcat Rock Machine.

Cade Levens said...

Flash mob
3pm
In your dreams, Cipo

DOUCHEBAG said...

I find that paint pens or brightly colored tape will customize my U-lock adequately.
Scented oil works too.

AKABigWheel said...

I noticed that sex worker had Schedule 80 arms too. Huh. Working downtown late one night I witnessed one of her sisters shooting up...half a block with what I guess was a 9mm. Volatile.

plastic card said...

so nice pictures. grad to see them. thanks for share

Kookaburra said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who goes to look at Assos' male models for my daily dose of lols. They're so earnest. And also startled.

jno62 said...

A thought, Snob.

Is there a "mobile" site in the works? A project for Vito, perhaps?

I often take my smugness pod into the bathroom with me and would like to read your posts there. No place for my laptop (wide stance, don't ya know) and it's too hot.

Anyway, just a thought. Thanks for making me laugh everyday.

OMIRP said...

Erm...I'm not finding any reference to cannabis in the link for question #3.
I grew up in OC and visited Carbon Canyon Park EVERY Wednesday as a teenager(ahem), so I'm VERY interested in reading more about this!

Anonymous said...

More hand sandwiches!
Panties!

Downer Sly Stone said...

I want to take you lower!

I want to take you lloowwwwwer!

Boom! chakka lakka

Boom! chakka lakka

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzz zzzzzzz

Damned Dirty Cat said...

That cat's something I can't explain.
But it seems to be mimicking Charlton Heston's posture.

Meebox said...

Some of these pictures are very funny.

Lilrippers said...

Ya do it!

http://cochranskiclub.blogspot.com/

maheswari said...

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Street Bikes For Sale

cycling shorts said...

Yes some pics are funny in this blog.
But the man costume look comfortable.

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Fixie Bikes said...

The woman can pull it off, the mens not so much.

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Michaelabyb said...

Damn it janet!