Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Like Attracts Like: Don't Feed the Narratives

Recently, I received an email from a company, or concern, or enterprise, or organization, or entity, or whatever the proper term is, called "Dedicated Lane Productions, Inc." The purpose of this email was to alert me to a Kickstarter campaign for a Critical Mass documentary entitled "Last Friday of the Month."

Since I'm a blogger with a blog on the Internet, I assumed they sent me this email because they wanted me to mention it on my Internet blog that I have. So I mentioned it.

Subsequently, the director of the documentary left a lengthy comment on my Internet blog that I have (this one, not the other one about urban beekeeping), followed by a couple of lengthy emails. Now, I confess I had a bit of trouble following the comment and the emails. This is because: a) I have a poor attention span; and b) the prose was somewhat rambling, and at times flirted with the line between spontaneous bop prosody and incoherence.

However, I came away from it all with the impression that he was angry at me because I wasn't sufficiently effusive about his project, but he kind of maybe had a sense of humor about the whole thing, but really he was mostly angry. In any case, I sent him a friendly reply, and I might have forgotten about the whole thing, but then I noticed this was appended to one of the emails:


I could be mistaken, but that appears to be a disembodied arm clubbing a seal representing my blog, set alongside some kind of ripoff of the Public Enemy logo.

Or maybe it's a cricket bat, and the seal is drunk.

Either way, they say a picture is worth a thousand words. I suppose this is true, because the director had sent me something like three thousand words that I didn't understand, but here was a single picture that made it abundantly clear he wants to club me. And I certainly don't want to be clubbed--especially if it happens on the last Friday of the month, since the traffic will be all snarled up thanks to Critical Mass and the emergency services vehicles won't be able to get to me.

Anyway, I prefer to take the illustration in the spirit of humor and assume it's just the director's idea of parody. Plus, he's certainly more than entitled to make jokes at my expense. Still, I can't get over my irritation over the notion that we're all just supposed to like stuff nowadays. I'm not sure if it's the Internet or just the cyclical nature of popular attitudes, but frankly it seems the way things work lately is that people fabricate narratives about themselves and then our job as readers/viewers/consumers or whatever we are is to accept those narratives and congratulate them for their efforts. Here's the template:

--Guy in a hat decides he's a bike racer, we're supposed to celebrate his "passion" and "sportsmanship;"

--Filmmaker decides a massive inconvenience is actually a great political movement, we're supposed to celebrate Critical Massers as civil rights heroes and fund the film;

--Douchebag decides throwing out his books and buying an iPad makes him an aescetic, we're supposed to celebrate "minimalism" as a bold new lifestyle;

--Car company incorporates bikes into their advertising, we're supposed to celebrate them for embracing cycling;

--Hipsters import chocolate to Brooklyn on schooner and sell it for $9 a bar, we're supposed to celebrate it as "artisanal."

And so forth.

There's nothing wrong with any of this. We all write narratives for ourselves. The outline consists of our hopes, ambitions, pleasures, and desires, and we then set about fleshing it out as best we can. That's what life is. But that doesn't mean we all have to buy the chocolate. I mean, sure, if it's worth it to you go right ahead, but don't get upset when someone says, "Fuck that, I'm buying a Kit-Kat."

Also, clearly the Critical Mass documentary director isn't just blindly "liking" things. He's participating in Critical Mass because he doesn't like something, and in fact he doesn't like something so strongly that he's actually gone to jail for it. Still, that doesn't mean I can't not like the way he doesn't like something, since I also believe the way he goes about not liking stuff makes people not like me. Ultimately, I just can't help feeling like Critical Mass goes a bit too far, in that the participants write the rest of us into their self-serving narrative.

Incidentally, in browsing the Dedicated Lane, Inc. website, I also noticed a documentary about a "punk" sorry, "ska-core" band, entitled "Fuck Brakes:"

F*#K Brakes Trailer from Spike Project on Vimeo.

They're changing the world one formulaic song at a time.

In any case, while I tend to keep my distance from Critical Mass because I don't agree with it, I also don't follow RAAM--not because I don't agree with it, but because it just plain freaks me out. I think we all have a different notion of when a sport goes from "dramatic" to "stupid," and for me it's when the competitors have to put duct tape on their heads. Basically, it's the kinbaku of bicycle racing. Still, even though I don't follow RAAM, I did read this article about it in The New York Times:

Apparently, unlike more attractively gruelling races such as the Tour de France, RAAM is free from doping scandals:

While professional cycling has been rocked by numerous drug scandals, no RAAM rider has failed a drug test. Most say that there is no incentive to cheat in the race because it awards no prize money.

Right, I'm sure nobody has ever cheated in RAAM. If people are doping to win amateur bike races--as duct tape guy did--then I'm sure someone at some point has cheated in RAAM. By the way, the condition that requires duct tape is apparently called "Shermer's Neck:"

Goldstein completed the race in just over 11 days despite dealing with Shermer’s Neck, a painful condition that afflicts many ultracyclists who spend upwards of 22 hours a day hunched over their bikes and makes it difficult to keep their head up. Eight days into the race, Goldstein’s team kept her on the road by braiding tape in her hair and tying it to her heart-rate monitor or bra to keep her head pulled back.

I thought Shermer's Neck was a fancy neighborhood on Long Island. That should show you what a RAAM "noob" I am.

But the real story at RAAM this year was that the winner is a bike messenger, though I'm sure his words will sting his fellow messengers like peeling off duct tape too fast:

“I don’t know if I’ll go back to being a bike messenger,” he said after his rest. “I like people who are successful but keep their ordinary jobs, but if you do something great, you should maybe make something out of it.”

So, like, what? Being a messenger isn't "something great?" I though bike messengers were urban heroes; fierce warriors; bold riders on the very labia of the Vagina of Chaos. At least that's what all those messenger videos seen to want me to believe. And speaking of messengers, even though "Triple Rush" has been cancelled, videos continue to appear like the tingling of a phantom limb. Here's one in which a messenger boots a tire:

Triple Rush - Tire Patch Trick from Triple Rush on Vimeo.

Sure, anyone who has ever flipped through a copy of "Bicycling" knows how to boot a tire, but I'm sure the producers thought it represented the very pinnacle of street-savvy ingenuity. Plus, as the messenger himself puts it:

"If you're riding hard and you're riding fast which we have to, you really have to try to make stuff last as long as possible."

Absolutely. To that end, here are a couple of helpful money-saving tire tips.

Money-Saving Tire Tip #1:

Use a Brake.

I couldn't help noticing that, in addition to being bamboo, the messenger's bike is also brakeless:

I know this is mind-blowing information, but when you stop by skidding your tire doesn't last as long.

Tire Money Saving Tip #2:

Don't use a $50 road racing tire.


If you insist on using your rear tire as your brake, don't spend "$45-$50" on narrow, lightweight road racing tires.

But I guess when you're a TV messenger, it goes without saying that saving money always comes second to remaining fashionable.

By the way, when it comes to the actual booting, if you're a cash-strapped messenger, use a $1 bill:


However, if you're a roadie and you like to spend extra money on stuff for no reason or discernible performance gain, use a $100 bill instead:

(The $100 bill, also known as the "Fred Boot.")

Just tell yourself bigger bills have a higher thread count and will give you a more supple ride.

I'm pretty sure I read that in "Bicycling."

156 comments:

me said...

First?!?!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Podium?

ant1 said...

been a while since i've seen a podium. australian training aids working out i guess.

OBA said...

Too busy unpacking my suitcase of courage...

Anonymous said...

Ready for TDF!!

Anonymous said...

Jesus I'm unemployed and I can't even podium? My coach won't let me hear the end of this.

Easton Heights Blogger said...

so close!

Easton Heights Blogger said...

did it! yes!

Easton Heights Blogger said...

i feel so special!

le Correcteur said...

Top eleven! Unread!

Anonymous said...

snob I only wish you had published one of the self-important critical mass guy's e-mails so we could laugh at him

Anonymous said...

top 20, and i´m on the 4.20 gear ratio

Anonymous said...

Fortunately stumbled accross BSNYC while shopping interspace for a fixie toptube pad, tx for curing me. -stef

Anonymous said...

"Goldstein’s team kept her on the road by braiding tape in her hair and tying it to her heart-rate monitor or bra to keep her head pulled back."

Sometimes I have to do this to my lady when she gets tired in the middle of giving me head.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Booting" is a trick to limp on home to keep you from being stranded on a ride if your tire has a problem. It is NOT appropriate for when you are riding "hard and fast." The compromised integrity of the tire will very likely cause you to be unstable under the extremes of riding "hard and fast."

crosspalms said...

FRED BOOT

T-bills work nicely too

Matt Boulanger said...

"However, if you're a roadie and you like to spend extra money on stuff for no reason or discernible performance gain, use a $100 bill instead:"

You've got an extra "and" in there.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Shermer's Neck -sounds painful. If I was doing 22 hour days I know which one of my bikes I'd be riding.

Anonymous said...

20th - still in the peleton.

cycle

Matt said...

The comment is at about 6:37PM yesterday. I had read the comments earlier, so missed this one. The guy sounds like a self-important douche, but he owns a cat and has an American Flag pin, so is probably ok. As for Critical Mass, yeah, thanks for all the favors. Annoying other road users has truly been one of the greatest developments in cycling since I began commuting in the late 1970s.

Charlie Didrickson said...

Nice bike....is that Italian?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

mikeweb said...

Booting?? Really?!?

The skidiots need to master the art of the patch kit, you know, for the 'green' street-cred. And it involves heavy contact with glue fumes, so it's got that going for it.

Chazu said...

Pheidipides coined the phrase: "This ain't no hipster shit." And he didn't have boots of any sort.

The first self-curating fixie-riding 'hero' to lose the bike and qualify for Boston will get a Kickstarter donation from me.

g-roc said...

Anyone know if Facebook's added a "Don't Like" button yet? I'm holding out for it before I join.

I am a snarky engine. said...

Sometimes it is difficult for people who have a vision which involves free money from others.

They find it hard to believe that others in the world find their vision "stoopid".

They unfortunately try to express their vision in written text, and it comes off badly.

The rest of the world then comes to realize that this person can not operate a comb, and should not be given money.

I am talking about critical mass guy, but this time I think it applies also to the Versus (NBC) tour de France Coverage.

I hope this does not turn into the biggest letdown ever.

They both seem to need a little help

hillbilly said...

bootiful

Anonymous said...

"bold riders on the very labia of the Vagina of Chaos"

God darnit Mr. Snob, you use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore.



balls

mikeweb said...

A little reminder for everyone to be careful out there.

Here's hoping for a speedy recovery.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

how about less citizen journalists at the center of their stories and more citizen helpfulists just being quietly and undocumentedly helpful? Aren't these leering chickens embarrassed filming theyselves all o the time? Also - yep hail czsr whilst i'm at it.

grog said...

Representative Snob,
Just back from a few days on Shermer's Neck. Nice place except for the critical smash.
Send more tire boot material please.

Marcel Da Chump said...

The Triple Rush bike messenger is wrong about riding hard and fast--"which we have to". He's a rookie.
If you know where you're going, riding responsibly will get the job done.

THE American Bamboo Society said...

Continue your current anti-bamboo agenda, and our senior graphic designer will create a picture worth a thousand words... a thousand words of sustainable pain-inflicting environmentalist fury.

Also, Craig Calfee will possibly be funding an integrated YouTube viral marketing campaign to make it clear bamboo is not to be taken lightly bicycling-wise.

And not just on YouTube, as we are looking at Vimeo as well.

ant1 said...

and btw, the cool kids are using euros to boot their tires. or tyres.

Anonymous said...

If you haven't gone to read Mr CRyan's comment/manifesto from yesterday's post, take the time.

If that is really the way he writes, then anybody sending money for his "movie" might as well boot their tires with those Benjamins. However, if that was an attempt to me completely insane in an ironic way, then he has an ounce of talent.

However, a wise (and published) friend once said, "irony is not a destiny" or something like that.

THE American Bamboo Society said...

One more thing: Calfee Bamboo Fixie with hemp lugset price drop, now a steal at $3,999 complete!

Check it: http://www.calfeedesign.com/products/bamboo/

Supplies are limited, so order now!!!

Bill Smith said...

Word score: messenger(s): 12, critical: 7, bike(s): 8, documentary: 4, hipster: 0.

Bill Smith said...

Today's post was hilarious.

Bike Snob said...

Mikeweb,

Awful story. Funny how cyclists always seem to appear "suddenly" when you're driving stoned.

--Wildcat Rock Machine

reuben said...

Is "bop prosody" a painting done in the style of Bob Ross?

Canadien said...

Leave the seal beating to us eh!

crosspalms said...

@American Bamboo
I thought we smoked all those hemp lugsets back in the '70s

xyxax said...

I prefer to boot my tires with the skin of freshly clubbed seals.

Doug said...

I taped an "hour" of Versus race "coverage". I decided to only tape the actual racing, not the cheesy computer graphics, the advertisements masquerading as interviews (or interviews at all), the tech features, the pontificating of their talking head announcers, or the rest of their annoying crap. Just racing. You know, bike racing, that stuff the pros do after they take their vitamins....well, I got about 10 minutes. If you really love bike racing, invest in the internet pay-per-view. The lower blood pressure numbers alone make it worth the investment.

Vegetable said...

Bamboo bikes will go SO well with vegetable helmets:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7813418.stm

If you dare to go green, have the guts to go ALL the way.

Stupid Name said...

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2068923333/nyc-critical-mass-documentary/backers#p1

51 people gave?

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2068923333/nyc-critical-mass-documentary/posts

2 people gave more than 1000.00?

Now I have an Idea who Calfee bamboo bike clients are.

From yesterday, paraphrased;
"God did not make them sheep not to be fleeced."

Vito, helper monkey said...

Anon 12:04

Here you go.

dedicatedlane@gmail.com

I am sure he will take your comments to heart.

Paul Bowen said...

Here's another guy throwing money at the tyre problem. Something about it being fabric rather than paper? Hmm.

Paul Bowen said...

That wa meant to be a link, gah.
http://www.ehow.com/video_4414062_boot-tire-bike-maintenance.html

Anonymous said...

Here's hoping for a speedy recovery.

Yeah...that's another reminder to:

a) wear a fucking helmet.
b) check and make sure the lane is clear before you merge into it to make a left turn.

From the story, it sounds like this man's brain injuries are severe enough to make recovery questionable. Even if he DOES live, he will never, ever, ever be the same. Could have possibly been prevented. Just sucks.

I Go Around and Around said...

Bamboo bikes, eh? Talk about a Panda photo opportunity. Did someone else just say that?

And did you see that sprinter with the splinter through his calf? Plants are already trying to get us killed. Why trust one to work as your top tube?

Just saying.

Paul Bowen said...

Just read the story linked by mikeweb, very sad. But does every report of a collision involving a cyclist have to mention whether or not s/he was wearing a helmet? From the description of the incident and his injuries, a helmet almost certainly would have made no difference, whereas I'd have thought you's have to be pretty damned certain it would for it to be worth even mentioning, let alone quizzing his wife about it while he's in ITU ffs.

Paul Bowen said...

Whilst on the Daily News site I couldn't help noticing "Glenn Beck...held back tears on Tuesday as he recounted how he was verbally assaulted in New York's Bryant Park".

First of all, obviously, well done New York. But secondly, Glenn Beck held back tears? The hell is going on?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Paul Bowen,

Of course it does. How else would they implicitly blame the cyclist?

--Wildcat Rock Machine

Mauricio Babilonia said...

Perhaps Team Spyder might have stayed out of the mud had they not "Fucked Brakes."

Jerimiah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doug said...

I always wear my Magic Talisman (helment) it is guaranteed to protect me from semis and SUVs slamming into me at 100MPH.

Jerimiah said...

Snob, beautiful. I was one in an excellently fund raising time trial where you could buy minutes off of your time. The actual times were announced and there was a chorus of mock disagreement and riders where encouraged to speak with the judges "in private" to dispute their times. Understandably, the "winner" had a time of negative 20-something minutes.

I am reminded of this cleaver fund raising trick when I visit the website used to promote the critical mass film. I wish I could pay him money to not make his film, or better yet, pay money so that other other money already pledged would go to something else worth a damn. Like putting all of the NYPD mounted police on recumbent bikes.

Paul Bowen said...

Gets on my tits mate. About a year ago I arrived at work with my forearm still bleeding, having been brought down by a classic left hook (where a car on your right suddenly decides to turn left across you and you pile into the side) from a BMW SUV driver. The receptionist asked me reproachfully "Were you wearing a helmet?" On my fucking elbow? No, actually.

Paul Bowen said...

@Doug: Magic Talisman is good; helmetism is essentially a faith position.

Shram said...

Christopher J. Ryan: you're nuts, and did your little project some harm when you posted and emailed last night after taking meth.

Snob: biting as usual, love it.

Mr. Green Genes said...

Maybe everyone should wear the new and fabulous $9.99 Chia Helment! House plant AND helment! Show your Green bona fides with a Chia Helment today!

4FUXAKE said...

NUKL TATS
RAAM NECK
LIMP DICK
LAME MUVI
SADL SNFR
4FUK SAKE

Gavin said...

I used to use Power Bar wrappers for boots, but I now see that, as a road cyclist, I need to start buying $9 "artisanal" energy bars shipped to my home via covered wagon for authenticity, then use their "handmade" wrappers as boots.

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob -

If this guy from Dedicated Lame has so much time on his hands that he can put together that logo, it says something right there. Asking people for money & putzing around doing things that don't generate money usually go together, as Mr Defecated has proven with his, umm...defecate?

J Scott. DOA said...

Ant 3rd !!!

BLOG GOLD

LK said...

I think he wants to be in your club.

Anonymous Coward said...

Snob,
I'd take that warning to heart from "The American Bamboo Society." Those senior graphic designers are vicious.

Harry Leary said...

I don't like the way you don't like the way I like 'Nor Cal Top Tubes®'

yogisurf said...

Apparently, the “Director”, does not know that any publicity is good publicity for the kind of crap he’s pushing. Fred Boot, that killed me.

Friends and family of CJ Ryan said...

Stupid Name @1:49

Probably just like some eBay auctions have shills and some street muscians put their own money in their instrument case, to get things "kick-started", so to speak.

g said...

Personally, I think the worst thing to come of all this is that I have to keep reading the comments until 6. I used to be able cut the site off around 3 and get some work done. So, no, Mr. Christopher J Ryan, you aren't "creator of jobs
'merica."

Anonymous said...

The Daily News should have also reported whether or not that bartender guy had music plugged into his ears. Gots to listen for the cars as well as look out for them (and not turn left right in front of them).

crosspalms said...

I'd have booted with my duct tape, but I'm using it to hold my head up so I don't break the keyboard with my forehead

wishiwasmerckx said...

All day I have been troubled by a rather existential debate in my head.

Which do you think that it is better to open up -- the suitcase of courage or the Vagina of Chaos?

wishiwasmerckx said...

A worthy shout-out to Crane & Company, whose existence predates the American Revolution, and who has since 1879 produced the paper on which every US banknote has been printed by the Bureau of Printing and Engraving.

Quality enough to serve as a tire patch.

Anonymous said...

TIRE BOOT
BOOT TIRE
DUMB MASS
ANTF IRST
4FUX SAKE

Stupid Name said...

Friends and Family,

Thank you, I did not even thing of that, good observation.

The possibility that somebody would give money was to disturbing.

Can somebody please explain the America Flag pin, what is the significance?

Why not say America also, Is the A missing from his key board?

Salty and Sore said...

"we're all just supposed to like stuff nowadays"

I think you're frustration comes from your misunderstanding, Snobbie.

I believe the drumbeat I keep hearing from afar, from a location that can only be New York City (perhaps Williamsburg, even?), like a tribal rhythm lovingly kneaded from the animal skins of the Fremont Drum Circle, is that we're supposed to like people, whether they're Critical Massholes, minimalists, or David Byrne, not stuff.

Won't anybody prosodically consider the children?!!!

I Go Around and Around said...

@ Paul Bowen - current reports suggest that GB made the most of a woman who was slightly clumsy with her glass of wine while trying to adjust her blanket next to Mrs. GB. Said clumsy woman has identified herself and reported no taunting occurred while she was there, which was during the entire event.

In other words, there was no foul. Surprised?

In related news, when GB told his secretary about the mishap, she was heard to ask him, "Were you wearing a helmet?"

crosspalms said...

@ Stupid Name

'merica is pig latin, pronounced merica-ay (or in Canada, merica, eh?). The flag pin is like a get out of jail free card; if you wear one, no one can question your patriotism, not even if you are being led away in handcuffs. Little known fact: flag pin can double as a rivet when riding a no-nose saddle, but you have to be very careful about where you pin the thing.

Weird Style Kit Kat said...

"I though bike messengers were urban heroes;"

Thought.

Salty and Sore said...

Oh yeah..

And 'hard and fast' is a relative term. Especially in the cases of amateur bike racers, bike messengers, and...


..if you'll excuse me, I have to go... errr... 'boot a tire'..

Coin Purse said...

Movie guy seemed to have an odd expectation that you'd should feel obligated support the film.

Well, if it ends up not sucking, gets good reviews and actually screens in my area I might pay to go see it. Or buy a DVD.

It's the job of a filmmaker/producer to get the money. If people aren't interested in the idea, move on, don't waste time and energy on those not supporting the idea and piss them off.

pete brunelli said...

I dvr'd the few actual Triple Rush episodes and after moving from just plain "bored" to attempting to interpret the series as "ironical", I finally moved on to the last phase of acceptance: Disgust. Since Wildcat Rock machine has brought me back a stage, I now must spew forth to return to acceptance mode:

Dear fixie riding trustafarian douche: if you had a real job you wouldn't be trusting your livelihood to those flimsy track racing tires in a city filled with broken glass, metal shards, and potholes. You are a failure at both the velodrome lifestyle and breadwinning lifestyle, simultaneously. I hope those bamboo bikes are edible, because I see you as a victim of Darwinism in the near future if you have to feed yourself by traditional means. EOL.

Anonymous said...

Fuck that, I'm buying a Kit-Kat.

Anonymous said...

What will the ipod position be when electric cars are hurtling around in near silence?

Anonymous said...

Bring back RTMS!

Twistyface said...

"Fuck that, I'm buying a Kit-Kat." sounds like a great slogan for a BSNYC T shirt.

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry to read that, mikeweb...hope the gentleman recovers & does so speedily although it sounds like he has a long road ahead of him...

...i agree with the sentiment expressed by 'the author presently know as wildcat rock machine'...

...it's as if the bike helmet is seen as a 'magic bullet' or the 'be all, end all' as regards bicycle safety, in the eyes of those who have no real idea of what it's like to ride amongst an uncaring public...

Anonymous said...

Well right about that time people
A hipster who was strictly from commercial
Had the unmedicated audacity to jump up from behind my igloo
And he started in a whippin' on my favourite baby seal with a lead-filled snow shoe

Etherhuffer said...

Well, to be fair, when I heard that an SUV full of rotund babies went off the road and all of them were ejected and critically smashed, I cried. But when I heard that they had no seat belts or were standing on the dashboard, I retrieved my tears.

A helment does not alter the known facts, just the hypothetical ones. The press uses this as an IQ test/comment. No belts, no helment: They had it coming.

Yet if you have a women attacked by say an important Frenchmen, god forbid the woman be seen as anything other than a victim. It seems rather prurient on the part of the press to use such a double standard. No belts, no helment, no bra, machts nichts? Wierd, just weird.

n said...

"Fuck that, I'm buying a Kit-Kat." I like that better than "If it rains, take the bus." Prob'ly the only one though.

bikesgonewild said...

...re: critical masshole producer/slash/budding filmmaker...what's funny about the situation is that i'm sure he thought "oh, i'll get in touch with this bikesnobnyc guy & he can mention my project to all those cyclists on his site & the bucks will come rolling in"...

...welcome to the nest of wasps & vipers, motherfucker !!!...

...you got more than you bargained for but nothing less than you deserve...

JDH said...

NO-dium. Damn, I gotta get here quicker.

gsport george said...

When they said "fuck brakes" I initially assumed that they favoured riding without a brake mechanism, but upon watching the video I see that they do have the devices and so presumably mean something more literal? Each to his own.

THE 'AMAZING' CIPO said...

I've had my testicoli converted to full carbon. My pene too! With the loss in weight I'm back in top form. If only the Rana's would let me race TdF.


Armstrong and Contador only got two podium girls at a time. Pussiewhimps!

Anonymous said...

...welcome to the nest of wasps & vipers, motherfucker !!!...


fucking brilliant,

welcome to the disaffected bike opinionated.

Barry Johnson said...

That's it! With the higher thread count in the Benjamin I'm turning all my Sateen and Egyptian cotton sheets into cassette cleaning rags and making a silky fitted and flat set for the bed out of US currency.

Great blog entry, best reading since the book...carryon.

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

Sorry, I just got here...what's this about the American Bimbo Society?

Anonymous said...

Why is the critical mass doc themed after transformers? What's with the lame ass music and shitty jump cuts? If you want my money for you kickstarter, you'll actually have to try to make it not look like complete bullshit.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone actually notice the messenger guy talking about US currency being strong? Or maybe I just didn't get his irony...

Fred said...

Bills are for nĂ¼-freds.
I make my own tire-boots from an artisanal paper I curate from beard hair, old chammies cut from worn-out Sportif touring shorts, duck fat and, for adhesion, the substance that builds up on the back of your gloves during winter. Folded up, it fits neatly in a jersey pocket, provided your jersey is one of these.

Anonymous said...

dude! i just remembered i have a $20 boot in my tire right now. totally forgot. sweet.

also, when he said "american currency is stong," that was irony, right? i'd be so pumped, first time i've really spotted irony in its natural habitat.

agent detroit said...

"Ultimately, I just can't help feeling like Critical Mass goes a bit too far, in that the participants write the rest of us into their self-serving narrative."

Hear, hear! Fuck those people! Motorists are pissed off enough at cyclists without you making it worse!

Anonymous said...

Alert: Children have gone brakeless
http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/2469638408.html
AYHSMBCB

Anonymous said...

You know, when I puncture, I just put my tire in the boot and drive on.

Ya mate!

$20 boot guy said...

re: boots 'It is NOT appropriate for when you are riding "hard and fast.'

really? fuck! i raced on mine. and placed! this sucks. do i give the money back?

'Funny how cyclists always seem to appear "suddenly" when you're driving stoned.'

snobby! moronic comment, son. having some wednesday weed in the car does not mean you're stoned. and, believe it or not, sometimes cyclists make a sudden turn into a car's path. we're all cyclists, and pedestrians, and drivers at different times. i think you taught me that. when cars and bikes are on the same streets, there are going to be accidents. believe it or not, its not always the car's fault. the biker might not have taken a lifesaver before turning, and it might just have been a genuine accident. assuming car drivers are always at fault is ignorant.

"a) wear a fucking helmet.
b) check and make sure the lane is clear before you merge into it to make a left turn."

a) ugh.
b) yes! that's the definition of "lifesaver."

also, never ride close enough to be doored by a car and you will never be doored by a car. simple. dominate your lane.

"The receptionist asked me reproachfully "Were you wearing a helmet?" On my fucking elbow?

my doctor (!) said the same thing. about my broken ankle. "good thing you were wearing a helmet." i wasn't! sucks for my ankle.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

TTTSWRFFTPT-Quincy Chapter said...

And now people are allowed to drive "golf cart" style buggies thru my town. Watched an older blue haired lady texting while driving one yesterday. She was not wearing a helmet, but I suggested she should, and she glared at me as she sped away. Just for the record, no one in my town has suffered a fatal head injury while cycling, although a 32 yr old woman died from a fall off a ladder in her basement, a biker fell backwards over a curb, struck his head and died two days later, and another fellow fell off the roof of a fast food restaurant and died of severe head injuries. the last known death while cycling was of an 11 yr old who was killed by a falling brace at a construction site he was playing around. Sounds to me like everybody should be wearing helments just for good measure. From Quincy,Illinois.

Anonymous said...

@ anon 6:02

with a lead-filled snow shoe, he said peek-a-boo.

did he hit him on the nose and hit him on the fin?

g-roc said...

Mmm, Kit Kat. With artisanally carved knckle tats in the hand separated fingers. $9 please.

4fuxake said...

"If it rains, I'm buying a Kit-Kat."

wishiwasmerckx said...

$20 boot guy: You, sir, are a twat. If you want to ride solo on a booted tire, that is your right and your business. However, to race on failed equipment, thereby placing all of your competitors at risk, is unconscionable. Those who have been around USCF sanctioned racing long enough remember when your bike had to pass a safety inspection or you were not permitted to start the race. Concerns over their liability in the event they approved faulty equipment led to the end of that policy.

If you can't borrow an old tire and don't have enough money for a new tire, you do not have money to race. It's as simple as that. Self-centered a-holes like you fray the social contract. If you're good enough to podium, perhaps you're good enough to be awarded a modest sponsorship. Perhaps one day you will even become good enough that your results speak for themselves and you will not have to engage in unseemly boastfulness.

ken e. said...

wildcat rock machine & everybody, you are so number one.

SEAL LOVR
ELBW HLMT
JOKE NRTV

Anonymous said...

Throwdown

Marcel Da Chump said...

I'll prosodically consider the children,

because hell

hell is for children

teach your children well

and know they love you

with the kids are alrrrriiight

the kids are alrrriiiight...

kfg said...

@TPC - "...what's this about the American Bimbo Society?"

They give generously.

@Snob - If this is what we can look forward to every time you're beset with a douchebag of unwarranted self importance, we're going to have to start recruiting for the cause. Bootiful, man. Just fucking bootiful.

By the way, I boot my tires with Prague Spring korunas - artisanally aged Barum tubulars. Ahead of the curve, baby. Ahead of the curve. Just 5 Fred boots per pre-distressed DIY kit. Line forms to the right.

thebikegod said...

…and so, thoroughly & trounced and defeated by the mere Mortal Sir cRyan, the wounded Biketh Snob, crawled back to his kingdom to licketh his wounds. When a voice, in the ancient lost language of THE GODS known as allcapsium, there was a lone unearthly Voice, heard throughout the virtual land….

BEHOLD MORTALS, AS ONE OF YOU HATH MORTALLY WOUNDED THETH BIKETH SNOBITH, IRREVRENT PRETENDER TO MY THRONE, I -BIKE GOD-, HATH BEEN SUMMONED, GIFTING UPON YOU MY PRESENCE ON THIS FEEBLE FORUM, BARELY FIT FOR HEARTLESS DRONE, I SHALL, REPLYETH IN THE PLACETH OF SIR CRYANTH, TO ADDRESS THE SACRILEGES ADDRESSED TOWARDS MY TRUE FAVORITE SON….

Osteo Brisbane said...

I'm over the TDF- can't trust any of them..but for some strange reason- Im still attacted to it.

I like toys; I make some money; wosre things to spend my few spare quid on than a good set of carbons:-)

A

kfg said...

@wishiwasmerckx -"Those who have been around USCF sanctioned racing long enough"

Is that anything like the ABLA?

bikesgonewild said...

..."...when it rains, i go down to the kit-kat klub & get a lap dance..." - sez bgw...

spokefolk said...

Snob- you are exactly right about people feeling entitled that we should like whatever they "create". I blame the school system...should Johnny get that extra gold star for a lopsided giraffe? If we stop praising mediocrity maybe guys like this will understand that he can't win everyone's approval. BTW- his little symbol for you was neither humorous or creative, just plain stupid.

Anonymous said...

To the Bike Messenger:

If you're using 45 to 50 dollar racing tires on your bike, why don't you use Mr Tuffy to prevent flats?

Course that would make your bike +8 ounces heavier...

God Forbid!

thebikegod said...

RE:
a) I have a poor attention span; and b) the prose was somewhat rambling, and at times flirted with the line between spontaneous bop prosody and incoherence.

THE BIKE GOD FORGIVES YOU, BOTH FOR YOUR EARTHLY ATTENTION SPAN, ET,TU POUR USE OF BOP PROSODY... WITH TIME YOU MAY GAIN COHERENCE

thebikegod said...

RE:
Anonymous said...

snob I only wish you had published one of the self-important critical mass guy's e-mails so we could laugh at him

THE BIKE GOD HIMSELF HATH DETERMINED HIS IMPORTANCE, AND THAT OF THE RIDE, (A SPECIAL PRAYER TO ME), THIS IS -NOT- THE SELF REFLECTION A MERE MORTAL. DO NOT ANGER ME BY QUESTIONING THE SOURCE OF MY DECREE

thebikegod said...

RE: Matt said...

The comment is at about 6:37PM yesterday. I had read the comments earlier, so missed this one. The guy sounds like a self-important douche,
CHERISH HIS IMPORTANCE FOR IT IS A REFLECTION OF ME
but he owns a cat and has an American Flag pin, so is probably ok.

BIKE GOD SENSETH A WISDOM IN YOU

As for Critical Mass, yeah, thanks for all the favors. Annoying other road users has truly been one of the greatest developments in cycling since I began commuting in the late 1970s.

I HATH DEEMED THE RIDE THE EASIEST COGNISCIENT PATH TOWARDS THE COMPLETE ILLEGALITY OF CYCLING, AND THEREFOR A DENIAL OF THE GIFTS I HAVE BESTOWED UPON YOU. LET YOUR WISDOM APPROACH YOUR AGE AND CHERISH MY GIFTS, FOR SOON THEY WILL BE A DISTANT MEMORY AND THE RIDE A ROAD TO REPENTANCE

thebikegod said...

RE:
I am a snarky engine. said...

Sometimes it is difficult for people who have a vision which involves free money from others.

They find it hard to believe that others in the world find their vision "stoopid".

They unfortunately try to express their vision in written text, and it comes off badly.

TRUER WORDS WERE NEVER PUT UNTO TEXT, BLESSED BE THOU

bikesgonewild said...

...@thebikegod...stop shouting & get the fuck over yourself...

...you come across like you need a beer to chill the fuck out & if you 'need' a beer for that purpose, it's time to reassess...

...just sayin'...

thebikegod said...

RE
rural 14 said...
how about less citizen journalists at the center of their stories and more citizen helpfulists just being quietly and undocumentedly helpful?

TIS A GOOD THOUGHT PROPHET, PERHAPS AS MY CHILDREN'S ATTENTION SPAN'S GROW, THEIR NEED TO BE WALKED THRU THE MEADOWS OF KNOWLEDGE WITH A CHILD LIKE SHEPARD SHALL DITHER - GO FORTH MY CHILD, SPREAD THE WORD, TO ALL WHO CAN FOCUS

thebikegod said...

RE:
Mauricio Babilonia said...

Perhaps Team Spyder might have stayed out of the mud had they not "Fucked Brakes."

TIS TRUE MAURICIO, YOUR PODERINGS BRING ME JOY, BUT PERHAPS I SLOW MY CHILDREN DOWN EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE TO GIVE REST

thebikegod said...

RE:
Canadien said...

Leave the seal beating to us eh!

YES, I SHALL PUNISH PROPHET cRYAN FOR DISTURBING THE ORDER. HIS WAS ONLY FOR THE CREATURE'S UNWARRANTED DISAPPROVAL, SO I ALLOWED IT, THOU IN CARTOON IDOLATRY ONLY, YOU MAY CONTINUE PUNISHING THE CUTENESS RIGHT OUT OF CANADA, STARTING WITH THE SEALS

thebikegod said...

TO MY CHILDREN,
I HEAR YOUR PRAYERS, BUT I MUST REST, FOR THE GODDESSES REQUIRE SATISFYING AND THE DAY HATH GROWN LONG...
PERHAPS THE MORROW SHALL ALLOW ME TIME TO QUENCH YOUR THIRST FOR AUDIENCE --- IF NOT, BIKE GOD SPEED TO U ALL... FEAR NOT THE SEAL HATH BEEN SPARED.

Freddy adu said...

Nice reference to kerouac snobby. Always impressed with your depth of knowledge. It probably comes from your publishing background.

Secondly folks, there is no god... ... Bike or otherwise....

Anonymous said...

FYI I used a boot on my road bike for over six months with no problems... but the boot wasn't made out of a crappy piece of paper, it was cut out of a section of an old Michelin Pro Race tyre.

The main problem with running a "permanent" boot like that is that when you eventually puncture on the road and have to remove the tyre... it's a pain in arse finding it and putting it back in the right place (especially when it's cold and dark... and raining)

Anonymous said...

i perioded my panies

Anonymous said...

What kind of a dumbass reads the Bike Snob then concludes snobby is going to be positive about anything having to do with CM rides?

Anonymous said...

I just came back from a fuck break. Did I miss anything?

Anonymous said...

DUMB MASS

Mr. C Ryan, You are a douche of the highest caliber.

KING DUCH
MASS HOLE
DUMB FUCK

WS said...

When I first learned how to ride a bike last year, I participated on a couple of Critical Mass/Time's Up theme rides to test the waters of riding on the New York City streets. Overall, the people on the rides were friendly but the slight uneasiness I felt while riding with this group bothered me. For example, we ran red lights consistently, and one time one of the Time's Up regulars (the tall woman with the red hair and alabaster skin) almost ran over a toddler crossing the street with her parents. The bitch even almost knocked me over on the bike when she passed by me on the bike lane without any warning, missing me by a hair's length. The Time's Up group also regularly has a radio bike that blasts music from speakers connected to an ipod, which I thought was cool initially but then, on more sober reflection, was not only illegal but highly inconsiderate. And these Time's Up people look for any opportunity for a confrontation with drivers, and they wonder why some of them hate us. These rides felt more like a way for these insecure people to work out their aggressions or for failed theater performers to seek attention from the public.

After reading some of the other comments on this thread, I feel that my uneasiness has been vindicated and confirmed: I am not the only one who sees these Critical Mass riders as more harmful than helpful to the cycling community. I think the Critical Mass rides are so unpopular now only the Time's Up people attend it. These rides are useless at best and counterproductive at worst.

Anonymous said...

Damn, I've been booting my tires with silver dollars. I must have misread the instructions. At least I won't have to carry around a roll of Susan B. Anthonys any longer.

thebikegod said...

Freddy adu said...

Nice reference to kerouac snobby. Always impressed with your depth of knowledge. It probably comes from your publishing background.

Secondly folks, there is no god... ... Bike or otherwise....

YOU HATH ANGERED ME FREDDY ADU... HOWETH CAN THOU EXPLAIN THE INTELLIGENCE FOUND WITHIN THEE PROPHETS WORDS-- EVOLUTION? THAT THUNDER YOU HEAR, MY LAUGHTER. AND FOR AMUSING ME, I HALL ALLOW U TO CONTINUE TO BIKETH.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Learn to type, asshole.

Ben D said...

It's like you're reading my mind!
Brilliant article.

I've been trying to verbalise this exact thought:

" it seems the way things work lately is that people fabricate narratives about themselves and then our job as readers/viewers/consumers or whatever we are is to accept those narratives and congratulate them for their efforts"

Nice work BSNYC!

Anonymous said...

It is clear that virtually no one actually knows WTF "Fred" actually means anymore. too bad that includes this blogger provocateur.

Sean L. said...

Regarding C.Ryan's Flag Pin...

"The flag should never be used for advertising purposes in any manner whatsoever." (Flag Code, Section 8i)


"The flag should never be used as wearing apparel, bedding, or drapery." (Flag Code, Section 8d)

Apparel –noun
1. clothing, especially outerwear; garments; attire; raiment.
2. anything that decorates or covers.
3. superficial appearance; aspect; guise.


Oops.

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

prolix said...

hi some had doubt that .. Even so the more popular destinations often looked to have run out of bike bays and users of the scheme might have to walk a hundred metres or so from the next bike rack.Bikes Brisbane

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Fixie Bikes said...

I like the new logo thing.

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