Tuesday, April 12, 2011

For Immediate Release: My Saddlebag Runneth Over

In the world of cycling, you're only as good as your last component upgrade. Even so, sometimes I forget that the real job of a cycling blogger is to keep riders apprised of products they can buy. I remembered this with a start today as I checked my email and found what we in the cycling blogging industry call a "Press Release."

"For Immediate Release," demanded the press release.

My stomach dropped like a bad "collabo." How long had I been sitting on this thing? One day? Two? A company had urgent product-related news that they had to make public and here I was letting them down! Keeping a press release languishing in your inbox is like caging a wild bird that just wants to fly, fly, fly! I'd have tendered my resignation right then if only I'd had a boss, and I'd have torn up my paycheck if only anybody actually paid me for this crap.

But then I remembered the old saying: "When life gives you lemons, rent a storefront in the trendy part of town and make artisanally squeezed lemonade at $14 a glass." Granted, that saying doesn't really apply here, but it did make me realize that perhaps it wasn't too late and that perhaps I still had time to redeem myself. After all, "Better laid than never," as the other saying goes. So I resolved to release this release with all the fanfare and flambullience of the start of a thoroughbred horse race.

So here it is. A product you'll want to buy. Nay, a product you must buy. A product without which your very life will be incomplete, to say nothing of your bicycle. Ladies, gentleman, the ambiguously sexed, and progressive Portlanders who eschew traditional gender roles and instead self-identify as angiosperms: It gives me great pleasure to present to you...




THE SADDLEBAG YOU CAN DRINK FROM!!!

Have you ever looked at your saddlebag and thought, "Boy am I ever thirsty. I wish I could drink from that." Well now you can, thanks to the VelEau from Showers Pass:

It's like a "butt rocket" and a CamelBak all in one!

It's also dork-tastically convenient, thanks to the "hookah"-like interface:


So what "problem" does the VelEau solve? Well, according to the press release:

The VelEau also solves the dangerous issue of reaching for a water bottle while riding, particularly when in a paceline or hammering in a racing peloton.

Wow. If you can't reach for a water bottle while you're riding in a paceline, then perhaps you shouldn't be riding in a paceline. And as far as using the VelEau while "hammering in a racing peloton," I'm not sure I'd want a heavy, pendulous saddle scrotum bulging with tools and fluids in that situation.

It does look rather elegant on a road bike, though:

(It's a hydration system with a bike attached.)


Hopefully someone will take this whole hydration concept to the next level and design an integrated saddle/bladder system. Brooks could even make a version for retrogrouches, complete with a proprietary modular leather wineskin.

Speaking of safety, if the Hookah-Tastic Saddle Bag Bladder-O-Matic isn't safe enough for you, a reader tells me you can also buy a bicycle lock specifically designed to be worn around the waist:

Cyclists can transport their locks in a variety of ways while they're riding, but most approaches involve inherent disadvantages for safety, flexibility or style. The Hiplok, on the other hand, is a brand-new alternative from UK-based Plus 8 Industries that can be simply worn around the waist when it's not being used.

Yes, can you believe there are cyclists out there who are transporting their locks inside their bags or by means of small brackets attached to their frames? It's like they've got some sort of death wish! And that's saying nothing of the obvious "style" disadvantages. However, putting your lock around your waist is the very pinnacle of style. I can't wait until Hiplok takes the concept of lock-as-fashion-accessory even further and offers smaller versions that you can wear around your head like Olivia Newton-John:

Though I suppose there is a fashion precedent for it:

But while drinking from your saddlebag and keeping your lock around your waist are apparently both very safe, a reader tells me that riding a BMX bike can be unsafe if you're a "Celebrity DJ:"

Perhaps the crash could have been avoided if Ms. Ronson had been sipping from some sort of butt pouch at the time. Either way, I hate to see anybody get hurt, but I also hate to see anybody dismissing cycling as something for children:

'Let this be a lesson,' she wrote. ' If you have a driver's licence you probably don't need to be on a bmx bike.'

Right, great lesson. Also, if you're over 30, you probably don't need to be playing other people's music at parties for a living either.


New York is a special case. Not only is New York by far the largest of the case study cities, but it has the most mixed record on cycling policies and accomplishments. Although cycling has almost doubled in New York City since 1990, it lags far behind the other case study cities in almost every respect. It has the lowest bike share of commuters, the highest cyclist fatality and injury rate, and the lowest rate of cycling by women, children, and seniors. New York has built the most bikeways since 2000 and has been especially innovative in its use of cycle tracks, buffered bike lanes, bike traffic signals, bike boxes, and sharrowed streets. Yet New York has almost completely failed in the important areas of bike-transit integration and cyclist rights and falls far short on bike parking and cycling training. Moreover, the refusal of New York's police to protect bike lanes from blockage by motor vehicles has compromised cyclist safety. New York has much to learn from the other case study cities, which have implemented a far more comprehensive, integrated package of mutually reinforcing policies to promote cycling.

A-freaking-meh.

Meanwhile, in other smugness news, yet another reader tells me London has its own problems, with a politician looking to propose a new "Dangerous and Reckless Cycling Bill:"

Looks like Britain has the same problem as America, which is this:


Therefore, it's only natural that provisions should be in place just in case one of us steps out of our socially accepted role of "victim."

None of this to say is that North America doesn't have its share of cycling amenities. In fact, up in America's toupee still another reader tells me that Vancouver is getting the World's Greatest Bike Polo Court:


“You will have people drive from Portland and Calgary when this place opens just to play here on opening weekend,” Lisa Moffatt, a member of the group East Van Bike Polo, told the Straight in an interview on the court.

I'm glad to see poloists are now getting in line with roadies and mountain bikers and cyclocross racers and triathletes and the rest of cycledom, loading their custom bikes onto cars and traveling to events. Not that there's anything wrong with any of that, but I kind of hoped polo would be the one that just stayed crappy. Alas, I guess not. If anything, when these people reach retirement age we might start seeing bike polo facilities at country clubs and all-inclusive resorts. Sometimes I think the only cyclist clinging to a frugal cycling lifestyle is the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, but a number of people have recently informed me that even he is now hawking high-end training equipment in SkyMall:

Maximize your fitness data!

Cyclists can now accurately record speed and heart rate wherever they are! New Fisica Sensor technology allows uploading data to a computer for analysis.

Our Fitness Bike Pack includes a Fitness Sensor Case with built in Sensor Key (connects to iPhone 3G, 3GS, & 4, but not iPod Touch,) a Heart Rate Belt and bicycle Speed/Cadence Sensor.

Sensor Case fits on handle bars and easily adapts to recumbent bikes.

The Speed/Cadence Sensor mounts near the crank and rear wheel spoke.

All mounting hardware is included.


Notice how they just slipped that bit about the recumbent bikes in there. It's no doubt a subliminal message, for when you're sitting bolt-upright in an uncomfortable airplane seat and you read the phrase "easily adapts to recumbent bikes" you can't help fantasizing about reclining comfortably.

Sure, by the time you land you've come to your senses, but by then it's too late and the seed has been planted.

You will easily adapt to the recumbent bike... You will easily adapt to the recumbent bike...

123 comments:

Kenny Banya said...

podium?

Kenny Banya said...

GOLD!

Kenny Banya said...

Booyah!

Kenny Banya said...

I just pulled an Ant1st!

Kenny Banya said...

PODS WEEP

Kenny Banya said...

NEWT JOHN

Kenny Banya said...

Unprecedented?

ringcycles said...

2nd, behind the TTT

Kenny Banya said...

First 8?

Kenny Banya said...

TTT GOLD!

Anonymous said...

cunts

Kenny Banya said...

I could easily adapt to the recumbent. Looks like exercising and being lazy at the same time.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford is not feeling well.
I blame Mayor Bloomberg.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Sid Vicious!

NEW YORK

3G said...

Tied & soldered

RANTWICK said...

Great. Hypno-nonplussed right in my own office. Thanks alot.

Anonymous said...

"toupe" = "toupee?"

Travis said...

Do it Kenny. Embrace the paradox.

OBA said...

Woulda been faster but the cops were parked in the bike lane.

Robert said...

Hip lock? Hi, plock!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have always been amazed about how much the pale,scrawny, underdeveloped chest of the drug-addled rocker resembles the pale, scrawny, underdeveloped chest of the professional cyclist.

Celebrity PeeJay said...

You mean the Hookah-Tastic Saddle Bag Bladder-O-Matic is something I could actually PEE in? Sounds like $14 lemonade to me...

Marcel Da Chump said...

Samantha Ronson and Lindsay Lohan:
PRETTY VACANT( Sex Pistols)

Padded Leggings said...

Better laid than never

samh said...

Disembodied foot.

republocrat said...

Snobby,

I had such high hopes for you at the start of your bitter blog.

You were sufficiently enthusiastic about the new bike product in the beginning, but then did not follow through extolling the virtues of the new product.

It's well established you hate freedom by advocating the use of bicycles as transportation, blog for free, and infringe patents, but why do you have to be so bitter?

I am not a recumbent bike engine said...

I will not easily adapt to a recumbent bike.

"Resistance is futile"

"Resistance is useless"

I must resist adapting to a recumbent bike

Anonymous said...

Heh heh.....we don't get angry or furious, merely cross. There was, no doubt, much tutting and tapping of feet as well.

And so we had a cup of tea and then we went home....

I wouldn't be surprised if the offence was covered by the already extant charge of vehicular manslaughter.

hey nonny mouse

Panzer Plan said...

Snob - the continual appearances of the tri-dork in yellow are vexing - in fact no less than your some time employers at a certain magazine have used this image.. Please put as stop to this!

Anonymous said...

The saddle bag drink tube means that I would have a tube running from my rear area to my mouth. Ugh, no thanks. My water bottle cages aren't that hard to reach...

wishiwasmerckx said...

While the fitness sensor may be fitted to a recumbent, I suspect that the saddle scrotum would scrape painfully on the tarmac if so mounted.

mikeweb said...

Gold, Banya, GOLD!!

...and silver, and bronze...

I can't help but think the inventor of that hydration system got the idea while watching Japanese porn. Or maybe just while getting a colonic.

Anonymous Coward said...

BUTT DRNK
VELO EWWW

Anonymous said...

when you dissed DJ'ing as something that no one over 30 should do for a living i thought "wow, you really are a complete retrogrouch" and maybe you're too old to comment on what's legit and what isn't...

but then i saw how you threw in NYC's cycling policy history as a "mixed record" and i knew that you were just kidding.

so clever! so F'ing clever.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I loved the "saddle scrotum" comment. I have a bunch of friends with expensive, lightweight top-end bikes sporting unattractive underseat toolbags.

To no avail,I explain to them the purpose for the pockets on the reverse of their jerseys.

Calling their toolbag a "saddle scrotum" might just be enough to shame them into reforming their ways.

Earl E. Wednesday said...

Turn that buttrocket saddlebag into a bong with a special (overpriced) cap, and you've expanded sales.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

cwg said...

If you've been to a hospital or LTC facility, you've probably seen a similar tube and pouch set up. It's called a foley catheter!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foley_catheter

Now incontinent cyclists everywhere can joint the peleton!

dcee604 said...

East Van forever!

hillbilly said...

whatup, snitches?

crosspalms said...

Maybe one of those beercan-holding helmets you see at ballgames would do the job, too. Only slightly less aerodynamic than the hookah-tastic saddlebag buttrocket gizmo. I like Showers Pass's stuff -- was that press release dated April 1?

Anonymous said...

Bike Snob did you do the photoshop work for Geek House bike about page? Not enough mustachioed fellows so they photoshopped in an extra.

Astroluc said...

unfrist

Anonymous said...

Great, now all my chums will make fun of my saddlebag by hanging truck nuts off their saddles.

Nalini Nancy said...

SIDI SID!

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobby - did you read that Brian Williams of NBC is attacking trendy Williamsburg and artisanal cheeses?

First snobby does it.

cycle

ringcycles said...

I can't believe I'm the first to post this:

All You Haters Slurp My Saddle Scrotum!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"New Fisica Sensor technology allows uploading data to a computer for analysis."

That's a good one. My basic cycle-computer analyzes my fredly data just fine.

Once I almost did fall asleep on my bent. It's so comfy.

mikeweb said...

Once I almost did fall asleep on my bent. It's so comfy.

Don't worry. If you do and you knock somebody over, you can blame it on the 'new recumbent smell'. It's true. I read it somewhere.

Matt DeBlass said...

Well, I guess the under-seat bladder system will have to do until Giro starts production on that aerodynamic beer helmet I designed for them.

Marcel Da Chump said...

recumbent polo possible?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I don't know about polo but maybe recumbent jai alai -since your already looking up.

Jasper said...

wishiwasmerckx @ 12:27pm - not only pale and scrawny, but also prone to track marks?
I feel a little picked upon with this one - not only do I have a rain jacket from Showers Pass, which I am very fond of, especially when it rains, so I don't want them to be getting all douchey on me, but I also have a lock that I wear round my waist - it is supposed to be a motorbike lock, but my local bike co-op was selling them back in the day, and it has lasted a good fifteen years of urban abuse, the other benefit being that you can wrap it round fatter streetlight poles as well as your wheel and frame. No shredded rear pockets either.

Anonymous said...

'Saddle scrotum' may finally help me convince my husband to ditch his huge and unnecessary saddle bag. Every time I ride behind him, I can only think of large testicles. I end up pulling more than my fair share to avoid the distraction.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 2:40,
the feminine perspective on all cycling matters, I'll always appreciate, but your imagery might take a liitle getting used to.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Cripes Snobby, now that saddle scrotem culture appears to be closing what are we to do? Go back to the fanny pack?

Fucking Republican* said...

Fuck Dorene,
Dry-hump Betty,
Hipster pussy,
Good as any.


*better than non-fucking.

ce said...

Agent Banya is in the Matrix... "Why, Mr Anderson? Why do you do it? Why race? Why keep trying to podium?"

Anonymous said...

The Satorialist interpreted bike locks as fashiony today. WTF?!

http://thesartorialist.blogspot.com/2011/04/bike-chain-as-chanel-inspiration-new.html

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

yogisurf said...

Kenny, why do they call it Ovaltine? The bottle top is round? ....Now I'm googling recumbent bike...looking for deals...

Anonymous said...

What the hell is Fred riding in that last picture? It looks like a reverse-compact frame with a down-sloping top tube. Does this bike exist in the present, or did he bring it from the past?

Koba said...

Seriously, there was a film about a hydration tube running from human rear to mouth, with 3 in the paceline: "The Human Centipede"

Neil said...

I love my pendulous saddle scrotum ... but not for water. Why not go for broke and fill the entire front triangle with a bladder? Maybe not so great in cross winds, but whatever...

grog said...

I will easily adapt to Recumbabe. COIT O CYCL

Anonymous said...

I've got the saddle scrotum itch.

Anonymous said...

I didn't realise saddle bags were in poor taste... do you people just stuff a patch kit in your jersey pockets too? WTF.

Stubbs said...

It's interesting phrasing in the Economist article '2009, no pedestrians were killed by cyclists, while 426 people on bicycles were killed by motor vehicles', note that it was motor vehicles rather than drivers that did the killing...

kbop said...

Retro fred has also been spotted in a background office wall poster of the BBC comedy '2012'

Anonymous said...

I'll tell you Snob, the Cat 6ers are definitely out of their igloos here in Montreal.

And they're angry too.

All this winter inside, on their rollers. Torture I imagine.

So there's no way you can pass them on your hybrid bike.
They race past you, they pedal faster, faster.
And, as always, they look ridiculous when you're next to them at the red light.
Hey, chill Montreal Freds.
It is beautiful outside, look at the girls slowly undressing, and keep that racing attitude for your weekend, warrior.
Peace.

ken e. said...

props to the Georgia Straight, covering those hot button cycling issues!

"that's me, party of the third part"

Anonymous said...

Cancellara looked a bit 'lone wolf' in the last 4km of the Paris Roubaix, no?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:24pm,

I proudly use a saddle bag, I just don't drink from it.

--RTMS

non-fucking Republican said...

If cars are outlawed, only outlaws will have cars.

Anonymous said...

@RTMS: Are you curating that Brooks of Beijing freebie?

Anonymous said...

i hit a rat with my front wheel on the westside hwy bike path last night. i think it was ok cuz i kinda skidded of its back/ass.

Oldentard said...

I was web shopping the other day and created a shortcut to Showers Pass and since I am a man and was looking at men's clothing the shortcut said Men's Showers Pass.

I later sobered up and saw that shortcut and became nonplussed.

That suck-a-butt rig confirms it.

dirty_juheesus said...

anonymous coward wrote...
It looks like a reverse-compact frame with a down-sloping top tube. Does this bike exist in the present, or did he bring it from the past?

More than one pro time trial bike had that set up way back in the day. It was considered very 'aerodynamic.' I'm guessing late 80's time trial super-pro TdF kind of bike. Note the downtube shifters, definitely not the 90's.

Snobby,
The mainstream media outlets said you were bitter. Why are your posts so bitter? Not charging enough?

Dapper Dan said...

I brought all my bikes here from the past. The ones I still have, at least.

P.J. O'Rourke said...

I release in my saddlebag. Especially when I have a hipster chick holding it.

Rupert Murdoch said...

Fuck off, P.J! The hipster bitches are mine! And Kenny, WTF?

bikesgonewild said...

...thank god sid's dead...or i could just hear the exchange...

...very staid english bobby in front of magistrate..."your honor...this man (sniff) who stands before the court was found standing in the alley with his pants around his ankles...on top of that, he & his mate were attempting to smoke a cannabis residue through a drinking device attached to the seat of his bicycle"...

...magistrate in powdered wig..."what have you to say for yourself, young man ???"...

...sid vicious... "nice 'at, geezer...zat come wif the job ???...look, mate...me pants fell when i was attemptin' to lock me bike wif my new 'hiplock', right ???...& that saddle was a brooks, ya, 'cuz i'm doin' me best to support the UK cyclo industry, right ???"...

...magistrate "in an alley ???"...

...sid..."well, dux, it was pretty vacant, ya"...

...magistrate..."...& the officer's charge that you were attempting to contrive a smoking device ???...

...sid..."that was rotten"...

...magistrate..."& what exactly was rotten, mr vicious"...

...sid..."not what,rotten, who rotten...that's me mate johnny rotten...a right sod, your majesty"...

...johnny rotten..."god save the queen, luv & ya, 'at's a nice 'at"...

...magistrate..."i'm a magistrate of the court & not 'your majesty' & this is a wig, not a hat'...

...sid..."look, mate...truff is, never mind the bollocks, eh ???...johnnie, here, fucked it up so i did it my way...as far as me pants 'round me ankles, this weren't no holidays in the sun, ya ???...weren't no birds comin' 'round to cop a feel, much as i'd like, right ???...we wanted a smoke, maybe scrape a few coins for some egg n' beans n' toast & that's it, bob's yer uncle, right ???"

...magistrate..."officer, despite your attempts to precipitate civility here in jolly old england, i'm going to ask you to release these 'gentlmen', please...& i might suggest that it's no wonder there's anarchy in the UK...dis-missed"...

Anonymous said...

BGW,... TLDNR...

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 3.43

Back in the day, it was permitted to have differently-sized wheels. 700 rear, 650 front.

Makes for an interestingly fast bicycle (got one).

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

we will all adapt to the recumbent.

Rupert Murdoch said...

I loved him, that Johnny Rotten. Raise a pint,an' FUCK YOU!

Marcel Da Chump said...

bikesgonewild,
way to rock those tunes!

Poppa Wheelie said...

Enemas on wheels
are the new Pies by Bike

Poppa Wheelie said...

"when I heard they were delivering enemas by bike, I just had to have it"

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...@anon 7:42pm...lo que esta 'TLDNR', amigo...

...@rupert murdoch 8:52pm..."...loved..." ???...your public image is gonna suffer if you don't know that it's sid who's dead but 'johnny rotten' is alive, well & just as vociferous as plain ol' johnny lydon...

Comment deleted said...

This post has been removed by Rupert Murdoch.

leroy said...

My dog says drinking from a saddle bag is gross.

I told him some dogs drink from toilets.

He said that still doesn't make it right.

Conman removed said...

Rupert Murdoch has been deleted.

leroy said...

Kenny Banya may be the new Charl Schwartzel, but I claim the first lantern rouge.

bikesgonewild said...

...congratulations, leroy...i'm glad for you...

...ohhh, damn...ummm, gosh, sorry ???...

...well, while i'm here i'm gonna suggest that kenny banya couldn't hold ant1's jock...not that he'd want to...

...i'm just sayin'...

anon 7:42 said...

BGW, TLDNR =

"...too long...did not read..."

98th said...

...I yield the floor to the senator...

99th said...

...from the great state of...

Anon 7:42 said...

100th!!!

alaskavetusmc said...

Think NYC hates cyclists, check out how much the State of Alaska hates them: http://www.adn.com/2011/04/12/1806968/state-removes-ghost-bike-tribute.html

bikesgonewild said...

...if a 12 second attention span works for you, ultimately that's kinda sad...

...your call...

ce said...

Bikes with bulging pendulous saddle scrotums and bikes hung like donkeys. Meanwhile, all my bike has is a little TTTWRFFTPT mystery dingle.

Anonymous said...

You're only as happy as your next consumer purchase ...

ce said...

Snob, I can just imagine being an editor and master word smitherizer at the mighty W'all Excrete Gerbil, saying to myself as I am binning your crappy bike lane article, "Bike Snob... Not Yet Competent". I'd follow with a little self satisfied chuckle as I considered how clever I just was.

Oh yeah, I'd be the biggest Saddlebladder (Douchebag 2.0) that ever was.

Anonymous said...

Donkey Hodie!

The Septic Tank Blog said...

I have really enjoyed your site. Keep up the good work

tomcproctor said...

Another sighting of the T.T.T.W.F. from planet Tridork: http://www.active.com/cycling/Articles/9-Tips-for-Beginner-Cyclists.htm?cmp=276&memberid=97070358&lyrisid=21692133

Anonymous said...

vancouver officials are already orchestrating a backlash. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0C7AYsfB_dM

Anonymous said...

I'm sure Kenny Banya wont mind producing a sample for testing, following his spectacular performance here?

If competitor Banya succumbs to a urine test, I'm pretty sure it will end up being gold, Kenny, just gold.

nard hipples said...

last!

cet wunt said...

penultimate

Frank said...

I don’t know, it looks like it would work good to me, and they claim it weighs the same as the equivalent in bottle/cages or pack systems. Their testimonials page is impressive with people who’ve actually ridden the thing and seem to love it. www.showerspass.com/veleau-rider-testimonials

Frank said...

I don’t know, it looks like it would work good to me, and they claim it weighs the same as the equivalent in bottle/cages or pack systems. Their testimonials page is impressive with people who’ve actually ridden the thing and seem to love it. http://www.showerspass.com/veleau-rider-testimonials
I for one think it's worth a try.

... said...

"When life gives you lemons, rent a storefront in the trendy part of town and make artisanally squeezed lemonade at $14 a glass."

True Shit Man!

spanish bombs said...

You can't use cages with full-suspension, and backpacks get sweaty. I think this VelEau thing looks like a good idea.

Rupert Murdoch said...

@bikesgonewild/ WHAT? Sid's dead too? Bloody hell. And my public image can't get any worse.

Rent Victoria said...

I like your site very much.Cycling is very good for health,it keeps you fit and active.

Bike Locks said...

Whenever you drive the bicycle you must have water bottle.
It is helpful for us. And very beautiful pictures are in this blog.

Bike Locks said...

These blog have very beautiful cycles. Its color of bicycle is very glorious. Its price is very reasonable.

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Fixie Bikes said...

That's a pretty great saddle.

Reike said...

haha,
thats good saddlebag, :-)