BSNYC Friday Superbowl of Ultimate Frisbee!

You know, last time I checked, this was America (or, if you prefer, Canada's cross-threaded bottom bracket shell)--a proud and independent nation that bows to nobody except for the Fortune 500 and China. So you can imagine my consternation when I woke up this morning and turned on the television, only to find that pretty much all of our fine cultural exports (actually, I think TV programming may be our only export at this point) had been pre-empted by a couple of Australian royals getting married. This would never have happened if Jessie Ventura were still governor of Minnesota, and I only hope this country can get back on track before we're all driving kangaroos and speaking Vegemite. Anyway, if I wanted to watch nuptials all day I'd hang out around Grand Army Plaza in Brooklyn and watch people getting their wedding photos taken.

In other news, while I generally avoid "geeking out" over bike stuff on this blog, I find myself compelled to share that I have just made a significant Smugness Upgrade to my Surly Big Dummy by installing an Xtracycle PeaPod LT child-"portaging" seat. Here is my Smugness Flotilla as it looks now:

(Everything about this bike screams "Smugness Noob.")

I know child seats are extremely trendy right now and a lot of people are "running" them on their track bikes just for the good looks, but I can assure you that I actually own a real human child. In fact, yesterday I took my human child on his very first bike ride, and I'm pleased to report that we both enjoyed the endeavor tremendously. Doubtless there are Portlanders who are reading this and scoffing at me for waiting this long and for not duct-taping an infant car seat to my SnapDeck and "portaging" him immediately from birth, but these are coddled people who don't know black ice from black beans, and I preferred to wait until the weather was fair and the kid was no longer small enough to use a helmet as a crib.

Anyway, here's another shot:

Speaking of child-"portaging," I am very much a novice in that department, and the experience was profound. Fixed-gear riders speak mystically of a "zen" experience in which they are "totally connected to the bike." Similarly, in riding with a human child, I felt transcendently judgmental and was "totally connected to the Smugness." Whereas ordinarily I only notice the most egregious infractions by other road users, with a child on my bike I could now detect them with superhuman accuracy. If a driver five blocks away failed to signal, I knew it; if a car passed me going a single mile-per-hour over the speed limit, I felt a tingling at the nape of my neck; if a stray cat so much as looked at me askance, I fingered my can of Puss-B-Gon and braced myself for impending attack. (Though arguably if you want to drive "pussy" away then an Xtracycle with a child seat on it is all the repellent you need.) I felt more self-righteous than I ever had before, and when I realized that this is how the average person in Portland feels every single day the revelation nearly blew my mind.

Here's the PeaPod LT from the back:

Notice it looks almost exactly like Dark Helmet from "Spaceballs:"

And here's a closer view from the front:

My human child was very comfortable in it and it was very straightforward to set up and use, though I confess I did find the foot restraints disconcerting, but only because they made me think of an electric chair. Still, it's better than the kid going all Nü-Fred fakenger and kicking out some driver's side-view mirror. Really, the only problem now is I have less non-human hauling capacity, which means if I want to carry lots of non-living crap again I need to purchase more Xtracycle accessories, thereby getting sucked into a sickening Smugness Upgrade spiral from which there is surely no escape.

Speaking of no escape, New York City is so profoundly bicycle-unfriendly these days that even people who can't ride their bikes safely because there are no bike lanes don't want bike lanes, as evidenced by this article which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Do we in Bay Ridge really hate bikers? Are we primitive antediluvians who reject any mode of travel not propelled by a combustion engine? Of course not!

Biking here is great, especially along the Shore Road Narrows Promenade. Spectacular! I have two bikes, but find it impossible to ride safely along local avenues because they were not constructed to accommodate designated bike lanes in the first place!

Right, that makes sense. There are few things sadder than a self-hating cyclist. Plenty of streets weren't designed to accommodate cars either but nobody seems to have a problem with both driving and parking them on those streets. By the writer's logic, we should all be living like Amish people and navigating by candlelight since the city was not originally constructed to accommodate electricity either. It's amazing how selective people are when it comes to reconciling the present with the past. During the Revolutionary War the British came to Brooklyn and beat the crap out of us in the Battle of Long Island, but I bet Charles Otey was still wearing his tiara this morning and kvelling over the royal wedding like every other schmuck in America.

Anyway, from kvelling to kvizzing, I'm pleased to present you with a kvizz. As always, study the wildebeest, think, and click on your ostrich. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see a mini recumbent, forwarded by a reader.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may the Smug be with you.

Smugly,

--BSNYC/RTMS

(All You Haters Eat My Cake)

1) In addition to a 10mph bicycle speed limit, the Golden Gate Bridge District Operating Commitee is also considering a ban on:

--Horses and pack animals
--Tall bikes and unicycles
--Cargo and electric bikes

--Hipsters

2) This image is from the Rapha website.

--True
--False

(via Ant1)

("I pledge allegiance to the flags...")

3) Which of the following is not a part of the New York City Department of Transportation's "Bike Smart Pledge?"

--"Yield to pedestrians"

--"Stop at red lights and stop signs"

--"Always wear an ASNI or Smell-approved bicycle helment"

--"Use a white front light and a red tail light at night"

4) The makers of the all-wooden "SplinterBike" intend to:

--Set a land-speed record

--Ride it around the world

--Pioneer the world's first wooden tongue-in-groove chamois

--Win a Dairy Farmers of America award for best bovine-inspired bicycle

5) If a water bottle is called a "bidon," then a rider with a bicycle-mounted wine bottle should be called a "bidouche."

--True
--False




6) Why is this person wincing?

--He is being pursued by nunchuck-wielding hipsters

--He is riding the SplinterBike

--He is "palping" a wooden chamois

--His pompadour is too tight

7) The Travel Channel has announced that it is replacing bicycle messenger reality show "Triple Rush" with the popular Internet series "Pedaling."

--True
--False

***Special Time-Traveling T-Shirt-Wearing Retro-Fred from the Planet Tridork-Themed Bonus Question***

Thermal imaging helps detect:

--Metal failure in bikes

--Hidden motors in professionals' bicycle frames

--Cracks in bicycle helments

--Underpants