This Just In: Off to Seattle!

Today is the day I depart for Seattle and its eponymous Bicycle Expo, and I am looking forward to experiencing the many and subtle variations of rain the city will have to offer me during my short visit:

Because I will be busy soaking, I will not be posting tomorrow or Monday, but I will be returning to this blog on Tuesday, March 15th with regular updates. However, if you're in Seattle this weekend and you're not too busy mourning the death of the latest grunge-era musician, you can come to the Expo and see me chatter nervously and give a half-assed PowerPoint presentation at the following times:

--Saturday at 1:20pm;

--Sunday at 12:30pm.

I'll try to make them different in the extraordinary case that you attend both.

Also, on Saturday at 4:15pm, I'll be on the "Laughing At Ourselves" panel, which sounds like a class they should offer at Bard, and on Sunday morning at 10:30am we'll be riding from Uptown Espresso on Queen Anne Ave. N to the Expo in a non-competitive and conversational fashion.

Then, I return to my home and my hermetic ways.

Also, guess who else will be performing at the expo? (Hint, they're German, they ride "fixies," and they wear leotards):

Take or leave my presentation, but you'd have to be crazy to miss that.

Speaking of crazy, yesterday I mentioned John Cassidy of the New Yorker, his sideburns, and his sublimely absurd post about how bike lanes make it harder for him to drive his car to dinner:

("My wayward eyebrow means I'm thinking.")

What followed was a pile-on of "epic" proportions, with the New York Times, the Economist, the Washington Post, Finally Legal, and others all weighing in on what an idiot he is. In the midst of sort of a "bicycle backlash" as we are, it was inspiring to see how many articulate people actually came to cycling's defense. I guess it just took someone like Cassidy to strike that perfect note of stupidity--a laterally stiff yet vertically moronic alloy of pretention and cluelessness.

And naturally, Cassidy came to his own defense:

As I was saying about the bike lobby…

How is a bunch of people agreeing your post was ridiculous a "lobby?" Everybody thinks Charlie Sheen is crazy too, but that doesn't mean there's a sanity lobby. His closing was also delightfully catty:

Finally, thanks to the commenters in general for providing me with a handy guide to the cultural politics of the twenty-first century. I’ll keep a copy of it in my walnut glove compartment:

Bicyclist = Urbane, enlightened, sophisticate.

Car Driver = Suburban, reactionary, moron.

If "Walnut Glove Compartment = Your Ass," then I think we're all in agreement.

By the way, for one brief and exciting moment yesterday I thought I'd spotted Cassidy's '89 Thunderbird, but it turned out to be the Mercury Cougar variant:

Nevertheless, it looked like Cassidy probably feels after fielding all those comments. Also, in the adjacent bike lane, I spotted this packet of latex finger cots and/or petite prophylactics:

I'm not sure if somebody had been "getting down" in the back seat of that Cougar, or if the city is trying to encourage its cyclists to go "fingerbang" themselves safely.

Speaking of safety, you'll find nothing even remotely safe in this, perhaps the greatest messenger video of all time, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Frankly, I couldn't tell if I was watching actual people, or if this was a new parody show like "Portlandia," but either way it was tremendously entertaining in the way only true stupidity can be. The cast of characters included the guy who throws strawberry thick shakes at minivans:

The guy who sucks at bike riding:

"I smashed right into the side of the cab, broke my jaw in two places. I don't have health insurance. It's a factor but I kind of disregard it, I don't really give a shit," he says.

Hey, he's just like the US government!

And the woman who somehow works more hours a week than there are hours a week:

"I work two full time jobs, seven days a week, about 50 hours at each."

Apparently, her goal is to become debt free by the time she's 30, hence the 100 hour work week. I don't know how much time she actually has, but if her goal is to make money quickly then she couldn't have made a worse choice than spending 50 of those hours working as a bike messenger. Sure, it's fun and "carbon neutral," but it's also "income neutral" in that the small amount of money involved generally winds up going to pay for things like designer bandoliers, Brooks saddles, and reconstructive jaw surgery. Really, she'd probably be better off working one normal full-time job and then riding her bike for fun in her spare time like the rest of us.

Then again, I'm not an economist like "Sideburns" Casidy, so I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Nevertheless, as with that Vancouver video, I continue to be fascinated with the manner in which messengers love to boast on video about doing their jobs poorly--crashing into things, losing packages, losing their tropical birds to kidnappers... If they were waiters they'd be running around the restaurant, falling over tables and dropping trays of food on the diners.

As Bob Dylan once sang, sometimes you're "Only a Pawn in Their Game." Whereas once this was an unenviable position, now it's positively distinguished when compared with the modern-day equivalent, which is Being a Character in their Reality Show.

Take my dignity. Please.