Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Artisanal Advocacy: All You Haters Sepia My Smugness

Of all the world's great landmarks, few are more recognizable and iconic than the skyline of Tashkent, Uzbekistan:

While I have no immediate plans to visit Tashkent, I will be visiting her "sister city," Seattle, this coming weekend. (I'm not sure why Taskent and Seattle are sister cities, though it's probably because they both have tall, pointy things in them.) As I mentioned last week, I will be reading aloud from my book of cheese poetry (in certain circles I am known as the "Bleu Cheese Bard") at the Seattle Bike Expo, and you can find the schedule here.

Additionally, if you're afraid of riding your bicycle alone and would like to join me in a leisurely spin to the show on Sunday morning, we will be meeting at someplace called "Uptown Espresso" (525 Queen Anne Ave N) and riding over to the Expo.

By the way, Adam West (otherwise known as "The 'OG' Batman") is apparently a Seattle native, and while I can say with almost 100% certainty that he will not be joining us on Sunday, I do like to think that he will be with us in spirit.

Moving on, with all this bike lane mishigas going on I've practically forgotten that cycling is also a professional sport, and consequently I've been rather "out of the loop" with regard to what the riders and fans have been whining about lately--which, evidently, is that the UCI doesn't want the riders to use radios anymore:

In recent years, given all the drug scandals, companies have come to realize that sponsoring a professional cycling team is only marginally more savvy than investing with Bernie Madoff. On top of this, the world economy is currently in what economists refer to as "the toilet," which means that putting your money into a pro team the corporate equivalent of taking your last $20 and "letting it ride" at the dog track.

Given all this, it seems to me that if the UCI wants the riders to forego their radios in the hope that the sport will become more interesting to it's 19 remaining fans then they better well do it. I understand the safety argument, but it's not like pro cyclists are putting themselves in tremendous danger for the sake of humanity, and asking them not to wear earpieces isn't like asking firefighters to wear ballet costumes instead of protective gear.

The truth is, resourcefulness is interesting. In fact, I think all UCI races should begin with all the riders completely naked and without bicycles, and that they should have to procure all their clothing and bikes from local retailers right from the gun. This could be known as an "extreme Le Mans start." I guarantee Mario Cipollini wouldn't complain if he were still riding--in fact, he'd probably just skip the clothes part and go right for the bicycle:

("I'm actually wearing a radio. Guess where it is?")

They don't make riders like Mario Cipollini anymore, nor do they make an antibiotic powerful enough to cure you after you've had intimate contact with him.

(BSNYC Pro Cycling Fun Fact: In his heyday, Mario Cipollini required more lubrication for his body in a single day than the rest of his team required for their bicycles in an entire season.)

Speaking of bike lane mishigas (not to be confused with Liquigas, which is a professional cycling team) a reader recently forwarded me this harrowing and infuriating tale of injustice from the "L Magazine:"

Obviously, this is horrible, and obviously I can't wait to see the video. But what was also interesting (to me anyway) was that, as the reader who forwarded it to me pointed out, to represent the cycling teacher the "L Magazine" used a sepia-toned photograph of me which they apparently "borrowed" from a half-assed review I did some time ago of some Outlier pants:

I don't mind that they used it--in fact I'd be honored to become the bicycle injustice article equivalent of the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork--though I'm not sure why they felt the need to sepia-tone it. I know when I sepiafy something it's because it was obscene, but as far as I can recall my fly was firmly closed and I was "portaging" my "pants yabbies" in an appropriately discreet manner. Therefore, I can only assume that the "L Magazine" considers my entire person objectionable.

Actually, this is something the "L Magazine" has in common with the readers of Yehuda Moon and the Kickstand Cyclery. Once again, I was delighted to learn from commenter "Ant1" that the strip's "curator" referenced this blog, and once again I was dismayed to find that loyal fans of the comic were distinctly nonplussed:

Fortunately, I've figured out a way he can change the last panel and make everybody happy:

It's funny because it's true. It's also funny because "AYHSMHB" could just as easily stand for "All You Haters Shave My Hairy Beaver"--which would make for a very interesting fifth panel, regardless of how you interpret "beaver:"

(Sepia beaver, ready for shaving.)

By the way, back to the Outlier pants, you may recall my erstwhile ironic intern Spencer Madsen, who not only co-reviewed those pants with me, but also set out to test the infamous Walmart Mongoose Cachet, only to completely disappear. Well, I'm pleased to announce that Spencer has finally resurfaced, and that he was not claimed by the Cachet's faulty braking system. In fact, not only is he alive and well, but he has also promised to do a follow-up review of sorts on the bike, which given his work ethic means I expect to receive something from him sometime in the next 20 years.

I could use this as an opportunity to launch into a screed about how These Kids Today have no work ethic, but then I'd sound like this guy, who left a comment on that New York Times framebuilding article I linked to yesterday:

Artisanal bike shops to match Brooklyn’s artisanal doughnut shops, artisanal cheese shops, artisanal coffee shops, artisanal muffin shops, etc.

These newbie characters are really becoming an embarrassment to native Brooklynites.

Brooklyn used to represent a no-nonsense toughness and was renowned as a manufacturing center, producing everything from rubber gaskets to battle ships and historic submarines. Now it is reduced to manufacturing bamboo bikes, something so silly, even poor Asian countries don’t attempt it.

Poor Brooklyn, once made so proud by industrious immigrant energy, now so humbled by the latest hipster, suburban fad.

— Chester


This crotchety old person (or else this crotchety young person who has seen too many Ken Burns documentaries) had me with the "artisanal" stuff, but then he went wildly off course. Firstly, he's only encouraging the "newbie characters" he claims to despise, and it will now be a matter of weeks before artisanal axe curators Best Made Co. start selling rubber gaskets:

Thirdly, when did framebuilding become a "suburban fad?" Ah yes, the suburbs: the sound of leafblowers in the air, Mom bringing the kids to soccer practice in the minivan, Dad brazing frames in the driveway while wearing a welding mask and a "Kiss The Cook" apron... What could be more quintessentially suburban than that?

I suspect "Chester" blew a rubber gasket around the time the Dodgers moved from Brooklyn to Los Angeles and he hasn't been right since.

Speaking of sepia (which I was a few paragraphs ago), another reader recently alerted me to the latest cover of "Momentum," which is salacious enough to warrant a whole Victorian photo album's worth of the libido-quelling hue:

Evidently, someone has figured out that sex sells smugness:

The image of course comes from that "Downtown From Behind" tumblr thingy, which is full of enough "salmon porn" to make a Chinook blush. There's also pig "portaging," though presumably "Momentum" didn't want to go with that since their readership is probably something like 86% vegan:


Anyway, I was disappointed to find that the inside of the latest "Momentum" was somewhat less erotic, and instead was filled with impossibly smug articles like this one on how to scare the holy crap out of your newborn baby:


Honestly, the poor kid looks terrified:

I'd hate to tell this poor baby that, when you're born into a smug family, things only get worse.

In a few months it'll be out of the bicycle-mounted bassinet and into the "bake feets" along with the rest of the piglets.

68 comments:

rfalso said...

winning

Jasper said...

Where is everyone

Anonymous said...

Rectum

mpetry912 said...

top 10!

agent detroit said...

top 10, bitches!

Anonymous said...

top10 mediocrity!

Endover King said...

Yay! Top ten! I can die happy . . .

Anonymous said...

comments are for loozrz

rikim uber allah said...

sorry red neckerson aint been postin much but hes doin hard time for carnal relations with underage domesticational animals

Dan Webster said...

10th!!

Kenny Banya said...

It's no longer a beaver once you shave it.

BLAH said...

TOP WHO GIVES A CRAP!!!!

crosspalms said...

Is that a Rivendell headbadge on Adam West's bike? Maybe it's the work of the time-traveling retro-Fred.

ringcycles said...

BSNYC, if elsewhere you're known as the "Blue Cheese Bard", are all your poems Saga's?

Pun d'fromage, what have I sunk to?

Terre Haute Karl said...

"I'm actually wearing a radio. Guess where it is?"

That is some funny stuff right there.

Fritz said...

I tried to sepia tone this comment but no luck

Astroluc said...

"all you haters suck my (hair)balls"

=^.^=

grog said...

Miss Recumbabe. ("I'm actually wearing a radio. Guess where it is?")

mikeweb said...

Let's go to the video tape!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Momentum promoting newborns on bikes. For that, the magazine should be called Dumbentum.

DMCA_brigade said...

bikesnob,

In keeping with your bitter theme, send H Magazine a DMCA take down notice.

Nothing like the tag 'bitter' used by a certain mainstream media property to marginalize your hilarity.

g-roc said...

Ha-ha, first time I read the comments section of Yehuda in ages. Wierdcyst put a stop to that. It turned out to be a time saver as it was near the top.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 12:30:

"Rectum? Damn near killed him..."

Anonymous said...

nautical nonsense be something red hook wish

dcee604 said...

Who's coming to the Vancouver Bike Show? That's Vancouver, BC, Canada.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't even let a Yehuda Moon commenter suck my balls. Too many of them seem to take things too seriously. They'd probably complain about my lack of testicular symmetry the whole time and ruin the moment.

ringcycles said...

After reading the L Magazine article I understand the sepia toned picture. Its not you, BSNYC, it was the obscene behavior on the part of NYPD's finest.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

hillbilly said...

yo

Oldentard said...

Pantene?

Chad said...

Crosspalms:

I think that's a Ross he's riding. From the (according to Wikipedia) company founded as the Ross Galvanizing Works in Brooklyn. You know, when they actually made real stuff in Brooklyn.

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Wow. Weird urge to rent an apartment in Brooklyn. What gives?

Anonymous said...

you look good in sepia, duh!

I am the pig carrying engine said...

Much more important,
Does Bat Girl come from Seatle, and where is she now?
She has got to be 60 or smoething, I doubt that spandex/pleather outfit would look too good now.

SMACYMRB - Suck my artisanal Curated Yehuda Moon Reading Balls.

Why does bike lifestyle always look like soft core porn?

Anonymous said...

A couple of things you need to know about Seattle.
You will need your UCI liscence to ride your bicycle here so make sure you are current on that.

Learn to repeat the phrase "don't tase me bro" loudly until the tasing stops or shots are fired.

Don't worry about short puffing your Wednesday Weed to make it last. It grows in the trees out here so that leaves room to keister other as important items.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Chad, CrossPalms,
it's a Rollfast. Rode one some thirty-odd years ago.

OBA said...

Has Spencer moved on to a new internship at Kramerica Industries?

Anonymous said...

Snob, "...putting your money into a pro team the corporate equivalent of..." should read "...putting your money into a pro team IS the equivalent of..."

Cordially,

A Grammar Nazi

The Tashkent Terror said...

ALL YOU HATERS TRIP OVER MY WHEELS!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

crosspalms said...

Chad, Marcel,
Thanks. If there were a book of headbadge photos I'd be a sucker for it. Meanwhile, I search-engined and found Jim Langley has a bunch of photos of his collection, including a Rollfast. Fun!

g said...

While I certainly won't defend the NYC or any C's police force, I tend to think that the "injured" party is usually not as complacent or doe-eyed as they make themselves sound in such articles. Again, I want to stress, cops can be, and usually are, power-hungry asses, but bike commuting english teachers can tend to be pompous asses as well.

thanks for your time.

Dan Webster said...

dcee604 I live in the GVRD (or whatever it's called now) and I'm not even going... if BSNYC were going though, it'd be a different story!!

Dan O said...

I just burped sepia. Tastes a little like chicken.

Anonymous said...

Hey, wait a minute. I've seen that sepia beaver before. Is Commiecanuck ghostwriting this blog?

your mom said...

Seeping beaver? That's disgusting.

Oldentard said...

All You Haters Suck My Head Badge

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

The girl and the turtle pic never gets old.

crosspalms said...

oldentard,
are you saying we don't need no stinking headbadges?

David said...

Okay, Snob, first, no fair taking the nicest ass off that Tumblr thingy and leaving the rest of us to look at nothing but dorky ones there. Second, I'm building my own frame out of drinking straws, pipe cleaners, and for that extra smugness factor, 100% post-consumer content recycled cardboard. Third, welcome back. Hope you set those schmucks at Bicuriouscycling straight on a thing or two

Anonymous said...

he's everywhere: http://www.triathloneugene.com/

hoot79er said...

Yvonne Craig was so EFFING HOT!!!
Batgirl, yum.

g-roc said...

dcee604, I live in the 604, but I won't be at the Vancouver bike show either. Making the trip to Seattle though. It's that much better.

Friendo said...

TASH KENT

ADAM WEST

ASSR ADIO

HARY BEVR

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford sews his own stitches on crash wounds. How's that for artisanal?

Djamalodine Abdoujaparov said...

That's my hometown!
I farted past Cipo when I dropped him on climbs!

David Henderson said...

Two things here that I find disturbing...... first, no comment from Quicksquirt McHurt saying, "I'd hit it." and the other is zero tan lines on Mario.

The Tashkent Terror said...

ALL YOU TIME TRAVELING FREDS EAT MY NUTRITION!

http://www.beckernutrition.com/performance-nutrition/

neighbors dog said...

woof!

aditthegrat said...

Yeah, Yehuda is a BSNYC reader...

Anonymous said...

"Admit it, you ride a recumbent."

Shit fire, Christo! That was some funny stuff.

edward said...

The rubber gaskets thing was f'ing brilliant. Lanterne Rouge

網站設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Anonymous said...

really lost it with that gasket description! Thanks for the laughs, as always.

網頁設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Anonymous said...

im a pants person in the high schooling business of cheap meaty factory hot brats dogs thingies. kudos is a good candy bar lol.

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Fixie Bikes said...

Yeah no one should ever visit Uzbekistan, fall of the iron curtain hasn't treated them well.