Tuesday, February 22, 2011

This Just In: An Annoying "Out of Office" Auto-Reply!

(Hitting the rode.)

Of all the fears I harbor (and there are many), three of them loom greater and more forbiddingly than all the rest, and they are (in ascending order of menace):

3) Having to use an unfamiliar bathroom;

2) Having to express a cat's anal glands;

And of course the big one,

1) Having to take temporary leave of this blog.

Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I announce I must do numbers three (3) and one (1), for I have traveling to do, and these travels mean that not only will I have to use unfamiliar bathrooms (unless I can "hold it in" for a really long time), but I will also be unable to place words into this blog (at least not ones worth reading, inasmuch as any of this is worth reading, which is debatable, but believe it or not I do have standards).

All of this is a very roundabout way of saying that I'm about to board a plane and that I will be away from this blog until Thursday, March 3rd, at which point I will return with regular updates. Yes, there is much to look forward to in March, as you can see from looking at this calendar:

As for the nature of my travels, the first portion of the trip will actually consist of testing bicycles with the editorial staff of Bicycling magazine, during which I will finally get to see how they decide that one crabon bicycle is more laterally still and vertically compliant than another. This is very poignant for me, since it's been almost four years since I wrote this post, and I'm dying to find out if Bicycling's testing process is as unintentionally funny as the reviews it yields. Sadly though I'll probably never find out, since judging by my recent training numbers I expect to get dropped immediately and never see the editorial staff of Bicycling ever again:

Image Hosted by ImageShack.us

As for the second portion of the trip, that goes beyond the purview of this blog, but let's just say I'm finally going into the studio to record that country and Western album I've been talking about.

In any case, like a good minimalist, I've got my suitcase bike:



And my suitcase chair:


And a suitcase for my cellphone and cellphone accessories:

Though unfortunately I don't have a suitcase for my actual clothes, since apparently they don't make those anymore. Also, I was unable to find my preferred road bicycle riding sunglasses (otherwise known as "optics"), and after much digging all I was able to turn up were these positively Fred-tastic Oakley M Frames in a strange orangey-yellow "colorway" from "back in the day:"

(Oakley M Frames and disembodied hand.)

I may just have to squint on this trip, though I imagine I'd also cut a dashing Kenny Powers-esque figure as I sit in the terminal on my suitcase chair gazing at the departure screen through my M Frames. Or maybe I'll just put them on eBay, where bicycles and bicycle parts surf an endless sea of disembodied hands, like concertgoers at Lollapalooza:


In the meantime, I apologize for neglecting my blogular duties, but I will point out that I did blogulate yesterday, which was technically a holiday, so that's something anyway. Also, if I have anything urgent to relate during my absence I will do so by means of my Tweeter. As always, thank you very much for reading, and I look forward to returning on Thursday, March 3rd.

Until then, I remain yours,


--BSNYC/RTMS




BSNYC/vthm

cc: David Byrne
bcc: David Byrne's car

150 comments:

David Dawson said...

wow early first

Anonymous said...

PODE.

Anonymous said...

SUCKAZ.

Anonymous said...

Drat! Where's my clenbuterol?

Anonymous said...

top 5

Anonymous said...

Top 10 and I got to sleep in.

Dan said...

sheeeeet - top ten, we'll miss you Snob, Bon Voyage!

PAUL said...

Well, I'm up early, might as well take a top ten finish. Love the Snob...

Anonymous said...

top 10 and i am still not awake

I am the dead engine said...

Top 10 and I am dead

Anonymous said...

What's "laterally still", then?

hey nonny mouse

Reggie said...

Not even 9 a.m. and missed the top ten. Wowzers!

Astroluc said...

unfrist

(it's like crabon)

ant1 said...

ant1st!

crosspalms said...

This time of day? I'm pretty laterally still. Safe travels, Mr. Snob!

David Byrne's Car said...

Thank you for your message. I cannot reply at this time because I do not exist.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Ride safe. Sounds like a dream job.

David Henderson said...

Speaking of expressing anal glands, that reminds me of my former beloved pet beagle, Chainsaw.

An unbelievable smelly fluid was leaking from her ass, so naturally, I took her to the vet. He manually (with his fingers) "expressed my dog's anal glands".

No matter what kind of crappy job that I do, I always remind myself it could be worse.

Concerning today's post, I......

Jonah Gibson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
David said...

Dear Snob,
You know what you have to do: Stage a coup at Bicycling, and make them tell the truth for once: "99.9 percent of you schmucks reading this mag ain't ever going to be Lance or even Alberto or Andy or Mark or George, so get yourselves some used steel Treks with kickstands off Ebay and just ride. You don't need this overpriced crap for wannabes. If you really want to pretend you're racers, you can take the kickstands off."

Jonah Gibson said...

glad to see that stillness is the new stiffness, since I've been neither stiff nor compliant since mid 2005, but I have, on occasion, been very still.

samh said...

May the Merckx be with you in your travels, Snob.

Anonymous said...

Looks like the suitcase bike comes with its own supply of food, too:

"Pate unique to the brakes, reducing the braking action of decomposition can improve braking efficiency, extended security warning time"

Not sure I like the combination of pate and decomposition, though.

Whoa, and also:

"13.The unique built-in speaker system returned to its port after."

_Speakers_? Awesome!

Portlandpeopleeater said...

@David: Hilarious. Portland is full of commuters in full team kits. Riding crabon frames with Zipps. Check out this link: http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/video-cancellara-looks-for-condition-ahead-of-monument-defence. Fabian says, phonetically, "Lepard-Trek," not Leo-pard. Maybe he didn't get the memo. Or maybe he needs hair-gel and a scarf to pronounce it properly.

crosspalms said...

Snob, maybe this will be in place by the time you get back...

Anonymous said...

Lobspeed, Snobster.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Have fun old boy.

Anonymous said...

comin' to austin, i reckon...

Anonymous said...

What abou this snob?
http://www.cracked.com/article_19063_5-reasons-riding-bike-most-humiliating-exercise.html

Anonymous said...

I was pretty sure David Byrne didn't have a car.

SLAM said...

Clenbuterolled again!

Kenny Banya said...

VTHM

Anonymous said...

can't bitch... I would hope that getting paid to test bikes is a good thing?

Detroit Mac

g-roc said...

Snob, I'll still check regularly to see if vthm has taken the opportunity to curate the blog on your behalf. Not looking forward to the spelling though - or the grammar commenters.

hillbilly said...

silly, david byrne doesn't own a car! you're goin to austin, aren't ya?!?!

Grump said...

At first, I was a little ticked off that I was going to have to work instead of reading your blog, but I guess that you do have to go on road trips occasionally to earn that ten figure salary.

MyWorld said...

Oh, sure Snob-I mean, it works for you and everything. But what about ME? What am I supposed to do about that 15 minute "break" from my workaday world while you are out tasting delectable "al carbon" bicycle shapeliness? Jeez. You haven't heard the last from me on this. Have a great trip, and stroke a cockpit for me...

Twistyface said...

Did you consider asking David Byrne to 'ghost write' your blog for a few days?

AVG PWR said...

perhaps you will get to ride/review an "ElliptiGo"?
http://www.elliptigo.com/

PawnShop said...

I hope you consider creating a whole new paradigm in road tests, in anticipation of the impending era of massive collapses of infrastructure: tell us which bikes taste the best, and also grade them on nutritional content. When the fixiepocalypse actually arrives, questions of lateral stiffness will seem quaint by comparison.

leroy said...

My dog thinks it's a hoot when he sings "Express Yourself":

"It's not what you look like
When you're doing what you're doing
It's what you're doing
When you're doing what you
Look like you're doing."

Obviously, he sings the Charles Wright and the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band classic, not the Madonna song with the same title. (It would just be weird if he sang Madonna.)

And just as obviously, if he's singing "Express Yourself," I'm not drafting him.

Ride expressively all!

Alfonso Cocksuck said...

Oh baby, now, what's got into me?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Forget David Byrne as a guest columnist; let's turn the darn thing over to Leroy's dog for a couple of days.

grog said...

If it feels good, ride it.
Looking forward to March 28.
RCUM BABE

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob - no truth to the rumor Liz Hatch is going to help you test those bikes?

cycle (very jealous)

sufferist said...

I accept your absence and acknowledge your birthday gift to me, on my birthday, as your return.

Until then.....

Lob Speed.

-Sufferist

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

crosspalms said...

wiwm,
here's another vote for Leroy's dog

CommieCanuck said...

Well, this explains everything, BSNYC is really RTMS, who we are told was Eben Weiss, but is really Muamar Gaddafi.

David Byrne has a car that turns into a suitcase, which he doesn't own.

Dave! said...

Is no one else impressed by a bike so light it can be held overhead by one finger? It must be lighter than evaporated milk.

Anonymous Coward said...

That's one way to unpack your suitcase of courage.

SNOB TWTR

Anonymous said...

bsnyc is becoming as ubiquitous as hipsters in dive bars. first, in my latest West Elm catalog I notice another photo prominately featuring his book. and then while leafing through my latest copy of outside magazine, (i like trendy furniture and extreme outdoor adventure) I see that bsnyc is quoted from his book (have to admit the quote they used didn't make much sense). anyway, bsnyc enjoy the time off and given the way things are going, we will not have to rely solely on this blog for our daily dose. what's next cereal boxes?

Anonymous said...

wow... And it's now you tell us?!?
7 days to go.

urchin said...

My word, has it really been almost 4 years?

and, are M frames now officially BITD?
Maybe I should find some new optics...

LOBS PEED




npj

Markus Sommers said...

Sounds like,

Bullshinto Supremeo

To me, Davey.

Female Reporter said...

...the fact remains...

Barry Muzzen said...

You wouldn`t know a FACT if it begged you ALL NIGHT LONG!

Anonymous said...

I too am afraid of doing a number 1 in an unfamiliar bathroom.

Dorothy said...

There's no place like home...
for a crap.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I wonder what the reserve is on the evaporated milk bike? Someone could come away with a good deal on that whip. Get rid of those damn gumwalls and that leather chew toy, slap a straight bar and maybe some wheel-brows on it and your good to go for the next twenty years at least. And I'm sure those tubes smell better than steel.

Bill said...

go have fun, don't worry, there are other blogs.

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Montu said...

Great Post !! But I'm worrying about the gas cylinders heat!!
Joking!! Thanks again!!

Anonymous said...

We gots to entertain ourselves again? Yeah, I know we should learn to do that. Someone suggested letting David "Carless" Byrne guest curate. That could be pretty interesting, actually.

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford posts even when he's traveling.

Anonymous said...

Will anyone even be here when he get's back? Will anyone be here to see if anyone is here when he gets back?

jump:shark

hoot79er said...

His story is crap. He's actually going to the streets of Tripoli to test that crabon Isreali bike.
Good luck wit dat.
Mahzeltov!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Hoot 79er, Israel isreal...

crosspalms said...

If he's headed to Tripoli, I hope he's got some of those mazeltov cocktails with him.

Marcel Da Chump said...

When a 'cocktail' gets tossed at Muammar will someone say, "Kaddafi, duck!"

g-roc said...

Hey Bill, which other blogs would those be? I need a cynical/sarcastic fix.

Vito, pick up the slack and start curating already.

Anonymous said...

The Time-travelling Retro-Fred from Planet Tridork has appeared in the Gainesville Today magazine: http://www.gainesvilletoday.com/, p. 39 of the current issue ("Safely Exercising Outdoors").

I am not a victim engine said...

http://outsideonline.com/adventure/travel-ga-201103-new-york-bike-commuting-sidwcmdev_154507.html

Go snobby, another reference in paper

Ian and Matilda said...

First it closed and know it's over? Fixed gear rider getting out...

"i have a fixed wheel set for sale they are the velocity b43 wheels in perfect condition. im getting out of the whole fixed sean for now and if you want you can make a offer on the whole bike as well. im willing to part ways for 600 obo. and or just the wheel set for 225"

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/2229733583.html

Anonymous said...

What the hell is a hipster planning to do with 600 oboes?


Uh-oh... And here we sit Snobless.

crosspalms said...

The hipster wants to do 600 epic reeds.
Try the veal. Apparently we'll be here all week...

Anonymous said...

David Byrne's car swears it doesn't own a David Byrne.

Giant said...

I like sports a lot with my bike riding for many years. I like the road bike category.

roving_looney said...

when gas passes $4, get an american flag and ride around local gas stations

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I saw yet another tv commercial with bikes in it. This ad for online broker e-trade features a serious looking, double crown fork palping mountain biker doing his thing. Even shows him cleaning a little drop.

Even though the piece is well done and exposure of bicylces in the mainsteam is good there is just somthing about it that rubs me the wrong way.

Boy, time goes slow when the snob ain't around.

pmg said...

this sucks you suck! now how am i going to get my minimalist news??

g-roc said...

Thanks to my new BSNYC/RTMS approved power meter, I already know I suck.

Cronkite said...

No news is minimal news.

Udder said...

I'm sorry I missed your Out of Office Auto Reply. I am out of the office.

Anonymous said...

D.U.D.E.

Check this Sean Burns Video Bike Check !!!

A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

Anonymous said...

... sorry... take two.

D.U.D.E.

Check this Sean Burns Video Bike Check !!!

A.W.E.S.O.M.E.

hugh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hugh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
hugh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Salty and Sore said...

It was Copenhagen. 1993. Your burger and fries had arrived, just as you were returning from the ladies room at the Hard Rock Cafe. Oh sure. You were vegetarian, then, but you were on vacation from more than just your day job. That look in Henrik's eyes said so, too. 

As luck would have it, I was headed to the restroom, full Carlsberg hangover in tow. I had known that my constitution couldn't handle much after a long plane ride, but who was counting? 

And then it happened. I stumbled on absolutely nothing at all, and reached out my hand to catch myself. It landed, too late, straight onto your hot pink Betsey Johnson. It was all I could do to hold on for dear life as I collapsed onto the carpet, taking the ruffles down with me, leaving you standing there, dressed only in shock and striped stockings. 

Looking back, it was probably the cocktail sauce I had just regurgitated, but I remember thinking what a lovely color of orange you were wearing. Tearfully, I let you pick me up off your skirts, and watched as you hiked them back up again. I'm still surprised by the patience you demonstrated in not throwing me into a wall immediately after. 

I asked your name then. 

And now...
 

Salty and Sore said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Salty and Sore said...

What, I'm on Snobbie's page? Oh! Sorry for the interruption!

That was supposed to be my 'epic' Facebook status. It's a new hill-training thing I'm trying.

I am a reminiscing engine said...

Salty

Great story, add 200 pages have justin play it, and I will go see it at the cineplex.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Salty and Sore, I never knew that you wrote for the J Peterman catalogue.

grog said...

pretty sure it was frilly

a little boy said...

Leroy's dog, WHERE ARE YOU?!!!

g-roc said...

Note to self: get a life.

Life said...

Get a note.

Anonymous said...

It was Austin. 2011. Your crabon frameset had arrived, just as you were returning from the ladies room at Mellow Johnnie's...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and 100th. Took a while to reach this milestone...

Neil said...

If instead of testing bikes you decide to attend NAHBS, can you let us know how it was when you're back?

Dan O said...

Apparently you'll be in Seattle during that time:
http://www.cascade.org/EandR/expo/features11.cfm

The fixies are forming now in anticipation...

Anonymous said...

Philly cops beat up drunk bike messengers. Bike messengers are upset.
http://www.philadelphiaweekly.com/news-and-opinion/Bike-Messengers-Allege-Police-Brutality-116771049.html?page=1&comments=1&showAll=

Austin MacDouche' said...

BROOKLYN

WILLIAMSBURG

CRITICAL ego MASSturbation

FLASH Circle Jerk sponsored by PBR

Rachel @ WFDU said...

Those peace songs: Don't they make you angry anyway?

Frank Moricca said...

Well, we will just occupy and humor ourselves reading the suitcase bike website. Absolutely more entertaining than expressing a cat's anal glands. Or a dog's for that matter. And I wonder, why I've never had my anal glands expressed. I guess the express themselves when in am unfamiliar bathroom

RhetoricPerson said...

This is the thread ... http://prollyisnotprobably.com/2011/02/2011_nahbs_recon_black_sheep_b.php#disqus_thread

Where I saw this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XL3g4vPK30

Which made me so scared and pissed that it lead me to read this...
http://road.cc/content/news/31464-driver-ploughs-brazilian-critical-mass-ride-video-warning-disturbing-content

And then I finally found myself translating this web site so I could follow the proceedings of the prosecution of this crazy bastard who ran down 20 cyclists with his car...
http://massacriticapoa.wordpress.com/

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

New Bentley smell strikes again. Luckily no cyclists hurt. Probably only because the UPS truck was blocking the bike lane.

Scott said...

Know you're out of the office, but just thought I'd send you this link. You have such a huge audience, you could get the word out about this impending legislathttp://www.wivb.com/dpp/money/4_your_wallet/bicycle-license-plates-could-be-comingion.

Twistyface said...

@ RhetoricPerson: That is genuinely shocking video of 47-year-old Ricardo Neis,trying to kill all those cyclists on the Brazil protest.

If his defence is going to be that he 'felt threatened because some protesting cyclists kicked his car', I think he is looking at a long time inside. And since he was not driving a Mercedes, and doesn't appear to be a fund manager, he is totally fu**ed. Good!

retiredtandembmxr said...

hey.. is "Bicycling" owned by the same people who publish "Shoeing" ?

mary Westmacott said...

Great Post, thanks again, keep posting x

Anonymous said...

Just the way we like our Manxman...

http://twitgoo.com/1zzm2r

mikeweb said...

Just saw this posted on Cyclists are not Rockstars:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kghtRevkUJA&hd=1

I can't wait for a proper RTMS 'critique'...

mikeweb said...

Appy polly loggies for not HTML-izing the link.

Feeling lazy today.

Nate said...

You can't escape his time traveling aero-pose: just spotted the flying fred on Israeli online retailer http://www.bikesale.co.il/image/users/142424/ftp/my_files/header.jpg?id=3339704

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Come on March 28th.

leroy said...

I just heard that Prolly has left Brooklyn.

I hope it wasn't something Marcia Kramer said.

Honestly, talk about your Elvis-has-left-the-building moments.

Anonymous said...

BSnob, I looked for you at Yahbs and you weren't there. I saw you saturday night, you were hanging out of the open door of a scraper hollerin' at the breezy who had just flashed you while getting on 35. I yelled "This aint oakland" I chalked it up to having too many drinks at the library.

Twistyface said...

At last! A solution for the hipster who just has to 'ride fixed' all day long:

http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2011/03/pit-in-a-drive-in-desk-for-bikes/

Anonymous said...

OK. I've read this blog for long enough and have searched everywhere. What does RTMS mean?

Anonymous said...

Aaah. Found it. Rip Torn's Mug Shot.

Denise Vanessa said...

Cool gadgets.

Cool Breeze said...

AYHSM NAHBS

NAHBS yabbies

Anonymous said...

If I light a candle tonight and hope real hard, will Snobby return tomorrow?

Anonymous said...

tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

alright its thursday, where the fuck is my fucking post you fucking promised you fucking bike fucking snob, do not make me wait until noon please, i already waited a fucking week.!!!!!!!!!!

sike, thanx for doin all this bloggy type stuff for us addicts. You are among the best. Can't wait for you second book to drop.

Nogocyclist said...

Well it is March 3th.....

If you wake up early to tend to baby snob, go ahead and send the daily post. No one will complain if you are this early.

Anonymous said...

Damn, it's what? Ten-thirty there? What's the hold up?

Anonymous said...

First and last, oh wait, wrong comment section.

I am Teriffic Man said...

It's Thursday! You're back! Welcome back, I love you, Snobby!

Anonymous said...

The world is over, snob has been hit by a car and can't post any longer. He is will be eating through a tube in his nose fore the rest of his life. We will join him soon as the road rage of the gas guzzling 2 ton terminators finish off the rest of the human powered free spirits known as cyclisticos. ride boldly into the night. ride onward the mighty 1000.

Jordan said...

Dear BSNYC,
Apparently these are what the Dig Dummies look like in Mexico.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=66200823#!/photo.php?fbid=944700131324&set=t.7724627&theater

- Jordan

Jordan said...

Dear BSNYC,

The Mexican rebuttal to the Dig Dummy.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=66200823#!/photo.php?fbid=944700131324&set=t.7724627&theater

Anonymous said...

Please someone find the snob. I fear he has been kidnapped.

cycle

Anonymous said...

http://www.yankodesign.com/2011/03/02/lean-mean-green-machine/

Why do non-cyclist designers think hub-less wheels are so the awesome. For Lob's sake, don't reinvent the wheel!

Kyle said...

It's almost 2 o'clock and I've done zero work... waiting... ov vey!

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

aabner58 said...

They ship anywhere in the
continental United States.
http://www.beachbikes.net/index.php?p=catalog&parent=440&pg=1&main=true&root=49

aabner58 said...

They ship anywhere in the
continental United States.
http://www.beachbikes.net/index.php?p=catalog&parent=440&pg=1&main=true&root=49

Anonymous said...

They carry all of the best beach cruiser brands available, Electra, Nirve, Schwinn, Felt, Kustom
Kruisers, sixthreezero, Hampton Cruisers, Sun, Firmstrong, Micargi, and Greenline.

aabner58 said...

They carry all of the best beach cruiser brands available, Electra, Nirve, Schwinn, Felt, Kustom
Kruisers, sixthreezero, Hampton Cruisers, Sun, Firmstrong, Micargi, and Greenline.
bike rear rack

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Fixie Bikes said...

Suitcase bike looks strangely awesome.

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