Friday, February 18, 2011

BSNYC Friday Home Butter-Making Course at The Learning Annex!

It started out a Thursday evening like any other. After concluding some undisclosed business on New York City's Manhattan Island (I won't say I'm not opening a restaurant that serves only locally-grown figs that I will call "FIGment of my Uh-Meh-Gination," but I won't say I am either), I stopped at a downtown haircuttery for a bloodletting and scalp massage. Locking my Scattante to a bike rack inhabited only by a solitary Pista, I entered the establishment, and when I returned to my bike a scant ten minutes later down about a quart or so and feeling delightfully lightheaded I found this:

Yes, my poor Scattante had become the olive loaf in a Crappy Bike Sandwich:

"Drat it!," I exclaimed, for if only the city had let David Byrne install more of his whimsically-shaped bike racks then perhaps this sort of parking crunch might have been averted:

Not only that, but more racks like this would also be a welcome addition for the city's many shoegazers:

(Lonely man staring at shoe.)

By the way, you might not know this, but David Byrne doesn't own a car:

("It's true, I really don't!")

Put that in your shoe and gaze at it.

Anyway, I had quite a conundrum on my hands, for while they hadn't actually locked their bikes to mine they had nevertheless wedged me in there pretty well, and how I would extricate mine was taxing my bloodletting-addled brain:

(Irreverent top tube sticker available here.)

The main problem was that I couldn't simply roll it forward, since the chain would garrotte the seatpost:

Moreover, there wasn't enough slack in the chain to lift it over the saddle, nor was there enough lateral clearance in the sandwich to sort of "wheelie" my bike out so that the saddle would kind of "limbo" under it. (I might have simply removed my saddle and seatpost, but I have of course duly theft-proofed them by means of a bicycle drivetrain because in New York they'll take the saddle right out from under your ass. I guess in retrospect I could have also lowered the saddle, but even then it might not have cleared, and, again, I was woozy from loss of blood.)

Therefore, I decided, the only solution would be to take both offending bicycles and simply lift them up and over the entire bike rack, like flipping back the cover on a spiral notebook:

Just as I was grabbing both the Huffy beach cruiser and the Schwinn mountain bike in order to hurl them onto the poor unsuspecting Pista, an unkempt fellow with a hand-rolled cigarette in his mouth and a canned iced tea in his hand arrived on the scene. Yes, it was the sandwich artist himself, and he said, "Let me help you with that, man:"

As he unlocked the bikes, he said to me matter-of-factly, "The solution would have been to wheelie yours out," as though he had intentionally left this puzzle for me to solve like a teacher scrawling a math problem on the blackboard and then leaving the room. I explained to him that the wheelie would not have worked and that I was about to fling the bikes over the rack, to which he replied, "Yeah, that would have worked too." I further explained that the ideal solution would have been not to sandwich me like this in the first place, though this made him screw up his face in confusion, presumably because in his mind it would have required him to travel back in time, and if he had that power he probably wouldn't be hanging around here at all, he'd be playing Hacky Sack at a Phish concert somewhere. (This entire thought sequence was practically written on his face.) In any event, the conundrum was solved to everyone's mutual satisfaction, and I set off on my way, once again glad that I didn't own a $4,000 commuting bike.

Thusly liberated, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right rejoice, and if you're wrong you'll see Bicycle Hell.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your bike sandwiches be open-faced.


--BSNYC/RTMS



("Oy, such shpilkes...")

1) Why is Steven Spirn "emotionally tense and frightened?"





2) According to the reporter, why is this Brooklyn street completely clear?







3) Musician and cycling advocate David Byrne owns a car.








4) NPR recently reported that Portland, OR is:





("Seatpost clamp/bottle opener?!? Can I get an a-meh?")

5) If there's one thing cycling needs, it's more color-coordinated accessories that also open beer.

--True
--False




("A horizontal bottle opener?!? Can I get an a-meh?")

6) The unique "angle of attack" of the Nectar and Elixir seatpost clamp/bottle openers encourage rider sobriety by making you spill half your beer as you open it.


7) Fill in the blank for the above Craigslist "Missed Connection:"





***Special Fred Taxonomy-Themed Bonus Question***
(What's the point of a credit card you can't buy porn with?)

What do you call a Fred wearing this jersey?


108 comments:

3G said...

Surrrrp

Anonymous said...

aup

Paul Cauchon said...

third!

Anonymous said...

Detroit Mac was here.

3G said...

Holy shit!

RANTWICK said...

I'm tired.

Pack Phil said...

Summers! watch your line!

Watson said...

Killed the Quiz today!

Alfonso Cocksuck said...

You suck.

That's OK with me.

Marcus Summers said...

NO! Davey ya dumbell! It`s too early

Marcel Da Chump said...

no xoxo

cyclotourist said...

Scattante Freak Sandwich.

Barry Muzzen said...

Let em go Tommy: theyre nobodies

DAve said...

I think #2 is a trick question

Sergei Beloff said...

You go get him, Gringo!

Randolph said...

I want a bowling ball

mikeweb said...

Astor Place hair cuttery, eh? I finally stopped going there a few years ago.

Dave said...

I went ofer on the quiz. Snobbie, I have a clarifying question. Does David Byrne own a car or not?

Anonymous said...

I live in small town flyover America. Arkansas to be exact. I am not sure I even own a bike lock for over twenty bikes(some are on blocks, cause this is Arkansas, and fitting in is important). Don't need to cause I know where all the tweakers live, and if one ever was stolen I would just go get it back.
So I wonder at the sense of rage I get looking at the bike sandwich situation. I am afraid that I would never have handled it with any aplomb at all. Actually pretty sure that violence would have ensued before the guy even got there. Wow, better never live in the big city...

Michael said...

somebody once locked through my front brake cable...had to rip the cable out with some pliers from the bar. Never been sandwiched though.

Wang said...

I don't think you are properly visualizing the seat post clamp / bottle opener in operation. You have to be going up a steep hill or doing a wheelie to use it. They are assured to capture the massive market in bicycle mounted bottle openers with that innovative design.

Mayor Bloomberg said...

@anon 12:49

Please DO move to the big city. And fell free to ride your bicycle though all red lights.

I have a budget to balance.

crosspalms said...

Bicycle hell indeed!

Hey, Yoko Ono had a full-page ad in the NYTimes this morning. Maybe she's been following the comments here.

PawnShop said...

Wot the fook.

le Correcteur said...

Missed the top twenty by reading it! Ouch!

streepo said...

crap. I only missed the David Byrne question.

Paul said...

As he unlocked the bikes, he said to me matter-of-factly, "The solution would have been to wheelie yours out," as though he had intentionally left this puzzle for me to solve like a teacher scrawling a math problem on the blackboard and then leaving the room.

haha I am still laughing from this part...

Anonymous said...

Mayor Bloomberg

Afraid that I would get confused about red lights more in a
"are they ok to shoot at any time, or only when red?" capacity.

Chazu said...

At dinner last night with my wife, I broached the topic of facials at the end of first dates, within the context of this blog.

She made it clear that we wouldn't be having dinner together at that moment if I had such an expectation on our first date, and that our child wouldn't be with us, either.

Um; no kidding.

Marcel Da Chump said...

That David Byrne designed bike rack is by the corner of 57th & 5th in front of luxury stores, Van Cleef & Arpels and Bergdorf Goodman. I've never seen a bike locked to Byrnes's bike rack/stiletto. Who would commute by bike to
to shop for luxury goods? Only David Byrne.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No Comment.

hillbilly said...

RIGHT SAID FRED

Marcia Kramer said...

Yes I ate your babies, and I'll keep eating them until every bike lane is just like the founding fathers intended: full of parked cars.

Astroluc said...

Shoegazer, eh? I like shoegaze (Curve, Catherine Wheel, and the like...)

from da wiki!

Shoegazing (also known as shoegaze) is a subgenre of alternative rock that emerged from the United Kingdom in the late 1980s. It lasted there until the mid 1990s, with a critical zenith reached in 1990 and 1991. The British music press—particularly NME and Melody Maker—named this style shoegazing because the musicians in these bands stood relatively still during live performances in a detached, introspective, non-confrontational state, hence the idea that they were gazing at their shoes.[1] The heavy use of effects pedals also contributed to the image of performers looking down at their feet (shoegazing) during concerts.

The shoegazing sound is typified by significant use of guitar effects, and indistinguishable vocal melodies that blended into the creative noise of the guitars.[1] A general description given to shoegazing and other affiliated bands in London in the early 1990s was The Scene That Celebrates Itself. In the 1990s, shoegazing groups were pushed aside by the American grunge movement, forcing the relatively unknown bands to break up or reinvent their style altogether.[1] Recent times have seen a renewed interest in the genre among "nu-gaze" bands.


I wonder if Nu-Freds listen to Nu-Gaze?

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Shoegazer" reminds me of a joke:

Q: How can you tell if an engineer is an extrovert?

A: He looks at your shoes.

Nogocyclist said...

The video for the seat post/ bottle opener would make a great parody. It took an engineer to come up with a bottle opener that forces you to use it horizontally? Sounds more like a Monty Python show than an actual commercial. Just needs a better punch line than half of a beer spilling out all over the place, and it would be a memorable episode of the classic British comedy show.

Better yet, use this for an episode of "The Young Ones."

leroy said...

In former Soviet Union, David Byrne didn't not own car. Car didn't not own David Byrne.

Ride righteous all! (Unless, of course, you're passing. In that case, ride on your leftous.)

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Twistyface said...

Now if only you had ben carrying your artisanal axe, you could have dealt with the bike sandwich much more effectively.

CommieCanuck said...

I got the David Byrne question wrong.

Snob, kill that photo, you've used it 1,127 times.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Marcel da Chump, I don't know about you, but I have been getting my bike tuned and my flats repaired at Bergdorf Goodmans for years now. Sure, they're expensive, but they do such great work.

ervgopwr said...

Those guys need to raise $15,000 for a $2 piece of aluminum and that has a beer spillling device. Man these guys are good. Probably been talking to the axe dudes.

Marcel Da Chump said...

WIWM,
Were the mechanics wearing pearls and stillettos?

Fook Me said...

- BSNYC inspired Hot Karl Bento Box -

MEGU - 62 Thomas Street - NYC

"The decor was perfectly inviting. The food was flavorful. I especially like the Hot Karl Bento Box entree."

Oldentard said...

I don't get it...

Anonymous said...

I've had people lock their bikes to mine twice.

Once in front of a hardware store. I bought hack saw and found out (in front of a handful of cheering Ace employees) how tough even a cheap u-lock is.
Ended up waiting for 2 hours.

Fucking nube.

ridethewomble said...

The funny thing? That's a Session beer, which has a twist-off top.

CommieCanuck said...

anon 3:24...

U-locks can be snapped off easily with a car jack.

Also, locking a bike is a trick of bike thieves, they come back late at night when no one is around to break the main lock and steal the bike.

If only those losers used their neurons like that in a real job.

ken e. said...

once again everyone kills it. thanks to perfect comedic timing, no lunch was spilled.

CommieCanuck said...

The 90 degree opener is pure genius and born of the inner city. In one tool, you open your beer a pour it on the curb for your fallen homies.

Werd.

Anonymous said...

When someone absolutely doesn't care what other people think, they are always right (they think).

I Go Around and Around said...

Near 6th and 20th, I watched a young lady (NYU student?) lock her bike's front wheel to my front forks (I know, sounds like bicycle Kama Sutra, doesn't it?) When I walked up, unlocked my bike and removed the front wheel thus detaching her bike from mine (forkus interruptus) she said, "Thanks a lot. Now I have to do this all over again."

Indeed. Over and over and over.

stream of nothing said...

righteous snob

Jasper from Knightsbridge said...

I had someone run their cable through my front wheel once in West Kensington (bicycle Kama Sutra p56), but since it was a Giro-pink Eddy Merckx with his picture on the head tube, I was happy to look at it covetously until the owner returned...

Anonymous said...

This particular post was better than Tilford's today.

Of course, he's sick and hacking up green stuff and still riding anyway. And, he had two posts today.

David Burn said...

Damn it! I clicked on "Flase" for question #6!

Anonymous said...

"The solution would have been to wheelie when you open your beer".

Nebraska bike commuter (non d.w.i. edition) ) said...

@ Anon 3:24. What you needed to buy was a 4-1/2" angle grinder and a cut-off wheel or two. Maybe Five if it was a really good lock. But maybe your time isn't worth that much. I know mine isn't.

g-roc said...

Word of the day. Huh, never knew they used to do this.

I was really hoping to find this in the comments already so I wouldn't have break my perfect record:

GARR OTTE

Anonymous said...

Fashion of the Christ.

You only need to butter the Scattante, before parking it.

WorldNekkid said...

Be sure to catch bike hell in NYC on 06/11/11 http://bit.ly/Bi7aY

Kenny Banya said...

"The 90 degree opener is pure genius and born of the inner city. In one tool, you open your beer a pour it on the curb for your fallen homies.

Werd."

Gold C.C., GOLD!

beachbody coaches said...

This post really cracked me up! :)) I was smiling the entire length I was reading... haha

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Cool. Pearl Jam killed the shoegazers.

PawnShop said...

Anon@5:11: Of course, [Tilford's] sick and hacking up green stuff and still riding anyway. And, he had two posts today.

That's funny, I'm hacking up green stuff and riding anyway, too! And I'm like, the exact same age. And height. And this is my second post.

Holy crap! AM I STEVE TILFORD?

Oh that's right, I'm fat. And slow.
Never mind.

samh said...

DRINK BEER, RIDE BIKES, GO FUCK YOURSELF.

American Flyer said...

Four bikes can be locked to a city bike rack but only if the rack is perpendicular to the curb not parallel like in Snob's deli delight. One pole per bike not two. The Bianchi taking up two poles started the samich.

Phil Liggett said...

Barry Muzzen and Sergei Beloff are the most hirsute professional cyclist of all time!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Well said samh.

Etherhuffer said...

Gonna guess the bottle opener guys were all shite faced and did a brainstorm bidness idea whilst horizontal. Forgot to vertically adapt when they sobered up.

Earn Money From Home said...

I have been visiting various blogs for my research work. I have found your blog to be quite useful. Keep updating your blog with valuable information... Regards

Elvis said...

Bike ride from hell: that's a whole lot of chafing going on.

I am a unitarian engine said...

comments or is that testimonials on the "christian" cycling apparel site. - "very nice jersey, really like the zippered pocket on the back it is great for my cell phone and..."

Yep, having my "message" on my sportswear helps transport my cell phone.

Christian proselytizing --- Meh

Sprocketboy said...

I too like the reviews on the "christian" athletic wear site, particularly from the pastor who refers to the "Tour de Chr_st," and "G_D Propulsion" jerseys. I guess he can wear them but somehow can't write the magic words hisself.

Anonymous said...

I see the RighteousFred wear is available in sizes up to 4XL, but not in women's sizes.

Take from that what you will.

Wylie said...

Maybe you are supposed to wheelie when you use the bottle opener?

MyWorld said...

Fig-mint olive loaf. Wow.

TheBikeKid said...

https://mail.nyu.edu/attach/;).jpg

Giant Pie Plate picture

Stupid Name said...

Please illuminate me.

Why can the Rev not write GOD or Christ? Why the spaces?

No women sizes? Is that because women are not supposed to wear form fitting clothing showing off their TA TA's?

Would that make men sin in their hearts?

I need to know.

Robert said...

What a deal! Only $75 for hardware evaluation to custom specification, AND modification installation!!! http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/bik/2221370080.html

Anonymous said...

I would love to see a video of this encounter. I'm sure he just thought, "asshead nyer being all rude" while not having a clue that prior to the last 5 or 10 years of fakenger deluge, most would've just thrown his bikes over immediately and not even attempted any civility or patience.

Also...this is the poor man's seguay?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOOoFEKiK8A&feature=player_embedded

Philip Williamson said...

100% on the test.

I loathe bottle openers on bike accessories. If you need a bike part to get into your beer, you just don't love beer enough.

However... with the Swarm thing, you don't have to spill your beer if you just lay the bike down. I guess that's not done in the city.

whiskey and diet said...

have to admit, i love having a bottle opener on every one of my multi-tools, but seriously? on my bike? it's the equivalent of having a bottle opener on a jetta's stick shifter. It should have a little guy on it, winking, and saying "don't drink and drive."

The Coolest Man on Earth said...

A bottle opener on my key ring has done yeoman's work since the last century.

alex said...

plaidgasm.

izmir çetesi said...

thanks

Anonymous said...

http://ladotbikeblog.wordpress.com/2011/02/17/protecting-bicyclists-rights-anti-harassment-ordinance-soon-to-be-law/

Anonymous said...

A $4000 commuting bike? http://belovedcycles.com/bikes/rapha-every-day/

At least you can personalise it. And by that i mean select your size.

ce said...

Yewengi (Thursday's comments), I am somewhat surprised to learn that the photo is not of "John Lent-on" and I am very surprised to learn that in this big world the Sun Lounge Captain is a fellow New South Walien. Don't we have laws in this State against that kind of lowly behaviour?... by which I mean recumbent riding.

I don't know if you are a regular reader or not, but just to clarify, many consider it a privilege to be featured in BikeSnobNYC.

Not me though.

If it is any consolation, I actually disagree with Snob. I think that nude benting is exactly the kind of zany behaviour that pointless, novelty seeking aristocrats will eventually turn to.

As an aside, back when I lived in Melbourne I visited Ian Sims's Greenspeed production in his backyard shed with a friend who was building a trike for a Year 12 project. I've since cut all ties with that crowd.

Bobby said...

A Rapha Beloved? Is this thing conceived in hell? Hey, if I'm going to hand over that kind of cash, either take the Beloved in "one size fits all" and add the optional Bruno Magli matching toe clip shoes, or find a local framebuilder.

網頁設計 said...

Keep the faith, my Internet friend.

Danial123 said...

I am afraid that I would never have handled it with any aplomb at all.
bikes

網頁設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Danial123 said...

The gear system on this cruiser is the Shimano internal3-speed California Bikes.
cruiser bicycles

Danial123 said...

Adding to the beauty and detial of the dreamcycle,the brown saddle and grips are embossed whith hiniscus graphics,giving it a fun and elegant touch Comfort Bikes.
bike

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

prolix said...

In melbourne the price and model of the bike is one of it..
The bike comes with almost new schwalbe marathon tyres, perfect for commuting / touring, retailing at $80 eachBikes Melbourne

Danial123 said...

Hermosa Beach All parts and components are blacked out,giving it a very cool,toughb and mellow look.
beach cruiser bicycle

carl.gregory16 said...

The fenders really highlight the whitewall tires as well, yet another feature that makes it one of the flashiest and fun-looking cruisers around Affordable Cruiser Bicycle.
bicycles

aabner58 said...

The tire a thief could remove the front tire and get
away with your bike. They recommend a U-Lock, it is a heavy duty lock that is nearly impossible to break through.

bike seats.

aabner58 said...

Please note that your cruiser will not be apt to rust unless exposed to moisture for long periods of time.
bike rear rack

helena said...

Filing for bankruptcy is a big step. But, it can be just what you need to do. Or, maybe, it's the last thing you should be considering.
nevada bankruptcy

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

jachmilli said...

All over the world, people’s beliefs, culture and history has affected this memorable event.

for the bride

open face helmets said...

Locking is really a fun... You Rocks.

motorcycle helmets said...

Definitely one of my favorite classics from back in the day.Afraid that I would get confused about red lights more in a
"are they ok to shoot at any time, or only when red?" capacity.

Fixie Bikes said...

I like the shoe shaped bike rack or whatever that is.

amhash said...

Thanks for sharing such a useful information. The information provided is very very niche. Professional Logo Design , I was just surfing on internet and found your blog after reading this i realize that i should come here often.