Monday, February 14, 2011

Cycling: Where the Elite Meet Defeat

Today is the holiday known as "Valentime's Day." Valentime's Day started way back in 1977 when St. Valentime performed the Miracle of the Immaculate Contraception, in which a night of unprotected partner-swapping debauchery at storied swingers' club Plato's Retreat resulted in no unwanted pregnancies whatsoever. Ever since then, people who are having sexual relations with each other observe Valentime's Day by exchanging tokens of affection and by ordering from prix fixe menus in restaurants as they sit awkwardly next to other couple doing the exact same thing and try desperately to ignore the disconcerting sensation that they're merely going though the motions.

Of course, if you're the spouse, life partner, or significant other of a "roadie," Valentime's Day is to you what Thanksgiving is for turkeys--a nightmarish day of profound disappointment. This is because roadies observe Valentime's Day by realizing that morning they forgot all about it and presenting their partners with hastily-wrapped and half-empty containers of pomegranate berry Cytomax. Their spurned partners then spend the evening sobbing in front of the TV and drowning the pain in pomegranate berry Cytomax-tinis while the roadies do the obligatory interval sessions that leave them too exhausted for coitus.

Speaking of roadies and their significant others, one reader informs me that charismatic professional bicycling sprinter Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish has acquired his very own girlfriend and everything:



Not only that, but this reader has also forwarded me a link to a decidedly unsafe-for-work (unless you work in the fields of pornography or cosmetic surgery) website that features various pictures of Cavendish's girlfriend presenting her breasts in different and interesting ways:

As you can see from the above screen shot, this website taxed my LarryKingifier Censor-O-Matic 2000 SL Bosom-and-Genital-Obfuscation Machine to its very limits. Personally, I think it's a shame that the simple breast is such a loaded (so to speak) body part in our culture that it is socially unacceptable to display them without placing the visages of decrepit talk show hosts over them. I mean, we were all weaned on them after all (breasts in general, not Peta Todd's specifically--presumably Cavendish is the only one being weaned on those at the moment.) Then again, if guns are outlawed only outlaws will have guns, and if bare breasts are legalized then Peta Todd might be out of a job, for it's that very taboo that allows Peta Todd to make an entire career out of creative breast presentation. She does have an impressive repertoire too, including but not limited to:

--"Here's my breast between my knees;"
--"Here are my breasts while I search for loose change in the sofa;"
--"Here are my breasts 'accidentally' spilling out of my top;"
--"Here's another lady looking at my breasts;"
--"Here are my breasts as well as the breasts of two of my friends, making for a whopping six breasts!"

In any case, I'd hate to reduce somebody as complex and nuanced as Mark Cavendish to a stereotype, but at the same time I think it's probably fair to say that he's what is colloquially known as a "breast man."

Indeed, perhaps the only symbol more potent, loaded, and titillating in our culture than the female breast is the bicycle lane. In both cases, some people find the sign of them arousing, others find them offensive, and still others think children and old people should not be exposed to them:

I'm not exactly sure why this is, though maybe they see them as a choking hazard. (I would argue that if you choke on either a bike lane or a breast then you're probably using it wrong).


Even though the guy who wrote it, "No Impact Man" author Colin Beavan, is a lunatic who spent a prolonged period of time without using toilet paper.

Anyway, Beavan's argument can be summed up thusly: "Bike lane make city nice." Unfortunately though, many New Yorkers are very resistant to the notion of bicycle lanes, since somehow they've gotten the idea that cyclists are "elitist:"

JohnE
10:38 AM
Feb 13, 2011

Hyperbolic drivel! Haven't seen any cyclists using their bike lanes in the past several weeks despite the fortunes spent catering to the elitist cyclists, too cold maybe? Not too long ago I was decked by a wingnut on a bike as I stepped from a store with some packages. The elitist class riding their bikes are no more responsible than the working class trying to get to work on pothole scarred streets and highways that have now become the norm. We seem to have money for more bike lanes but may have to lay off uniformed employees that we all depend. Incomprehensible!


Many years from now, in a far-off future in which a Frenchman has won the Tour de France and breasts are no longer taboo, humanity will marvel that there was once an age in which a mode of transportation as inexpensive and accessible as the bicycle was considered "elitist," and that working people stood opposed to accommodating it it in favor making sure the streets remain the exclusive domain of machines like this. Of course, given the willingness people have displayed throughout human history to pave the streets for their own oppressors, it's unlikely this future will ever come to pass (to say nothing of a Frenchman winning the Tour de France, which is positively laughable), but anything's possible.

In the meantime, I've been racking by brain trying to figure out just why it is that people in New York City think bicycles are "elitist," and for the life of me I simply can't get to the bottom of it:


By the way, did you know that David Byrne doesn't have a car? It's true, he doesn't. He does get driven in cars from time to time, but that's different. Also, David Byrne wrote this in his book, "Bicycle Diaries::

"But the interior of the country, with access only to USA Today and Fox News for their information, well, they are still trembling with fear that Saddam or Osama bin Laden is going to come and steal their SUVs."

I know, right? You know, sometimes I too like to put on a matching plaid shorts-and-shirts combo and muse about how stupid the people who don't live in cosmopolitan cities are. What's wrong with all those people who use trucks in order to earn a living from farming and livestock anyway? The same goes for all those foolish people who move to the suburbs for trite things like "good schools," "quiet," and "more space for their families." They really ought to get with the program, move to the city, buy lofts, and start doing something useful like scoring television shows. Maybe then the entire country will be one giant uninterrupted gentrified urban neighborhood and from coast to coast it will finally resemble the whitewashed version of Williamsburg, Brooklyn for which we all pine. (I call this hipstertopian view of the future "Manifest Douchery.") Nobody will miss the farmers, and nobody will go hungry--our "urban homesteaders" will grow more than enough food for us all in their rooftop gardens, and there will be plenty of expensive restaurants serving the farm-to-table localvore cuisine we can all afford from our giant paychecks.

If this makes me an "elitist," then let them eat organic cake.

Speaking of smugness and the "smugness quotient," the very same person who sent me the photo of Negligible Smugness Quotient Guy also sent me a photo of a cyclist on a "fixie" portaging another "fixie:"

Frankly, I don't know how using one "fixie" to portage another "fixie" affects the Smugness Quotient, though my impulse is that it's like dividing zero by zero and as such his SQ is "undefined." The case could be different though if he was riding a bicycle with a Turbospoke bicycle exhaust system, as forwarded to me by a number of readers:



The Turbospoke is basically just a card with a megaphone attached, and I'm thinking of installing one on my road bike because it would probably sound like this when I "climb:"



Obviously though it would sound like a buzzsaw if you were as fast as Mark Cavendish, or even the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, whom another reader has spotted, this time promoting the "Ride for Sight" in South Africa:


He is rapidly becoming the universal symbol for "charity ride."

123 comments:

Anonymous said...

PODIUM!

D said...

pole chomp

Anonymous said...

Podium?

Esteemed Commenter Daddo said...

Quad?

Anonymous said...

Fudge missed it . Well check out gaz545 YouTube channel for London cycling criticism 10 times better then the jerk who does this blog.

Anonymous said...

Long time reader, first time saying I enjoy your blog!

Tyler said...

love those plaids shorts

Anonymous said...

top 10

theEel said...

topteneel!

Anonymous said...

top 10!

Anonymous said...

While the snob recycles old content, Steve Tilford meets interesting crazy women on planes.

Kenny Banya said...

"...by exchanging tokens of affection and by ordering from prix fixe menus in restaurants as they sit awkwardly next to other couple doing the exact same thing and try desperately to ignore the disconcerting sensation that they're merely going though the motions."

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

OBA said...

BSNYC....brought to you by Archer Daniels Midland? Since when do you get all hot and bothered defending middle America?

mikeweb said...

Can anyone spare a square?

BeastGP said...

I believe Peta should correctly be referred to as "Peta, 23, from Essex"

Thomas the think engine said...

David Byrne is still a wanker. When I bought a laptop with windows installed in the early 00s, the only song pre-installed in windows media player was one of his.

I bet he has a busy 14 feb making love to himself

Charles said...

I call this hipstertopian view of the future "Manifest Douchery."

Man, when you're on, you're on....

Great post today!!

Terre Haute Karl said...

"Manifest Douchery"...brilliant

Twistyface said...

Moral dilemma: just got your book (from the library, going to use it as a prop in some lifestyle photography to promote my artisanal axe business) and it has all the stickers in! Do I take the stickers, thus depriving someone else of them?? If I take the stickers, what will I do with them??

Decisions, decisions...

Anonymous said...

Bike'sKnob said:
"In the meantime, I've been racking by brain...."

In the context of today's column that might result in TBI (titular brain injury)

Marcel Da Chump said...

"Manifest Douchery"- that's just brilliant.

g-roc said...

Peta Todd destroyed my chance at a top five today. Fortunately, the well placed Turtle Neck of Flaccidity provided the virtual, but necessary cold shower required to return my focus to the rest of your blog.

... Hmm, I wonder if that Turbo Spoke is compatible with my panniers?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Twistyface,

Take one sticker. If possible, replace it with another sticker, perhaps a scratch-n-sniff.

--RTMS

crosspalms said...

I think the NYTimes was sending you a valentime when it published the hipster cupid this morning.

Anonymous said...

What does rtms stand for? Roadie tridork mountain singlespeed

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

streepo said...

hipstertopian?
manifest douchery?

Awesome, just awesome!!!

Paul Bowen said...

I call this hipstertopian view of the future "Manifest Douchery."

Gotta join in and say this is just startlingly funny-clever. What Kenny Banya said too.

Among your best ever; chapeau, Sir.

arroworra said...

I found a turbospoke like device (this offering was deemed a 'bike pipe') at a goodwill and i installed it on my roommates bike without her knowledge under cover of darkness. Being the sort to scramble to get to work late, and the sort to be discouragingly confused by the prospect of using a wrench to remove prankerish debris, she annoyingly commuted for quite some time. When she finally took it off and committed some sort of roommate crime involving dirty dishes i sought to voice my passive aggressive displeasure by this time welding it to the frame. When I found it hurled into a corner of the backyard i also found she had mutilated its bike pipe technology rendering it mute and making my endeavor moot.

Comment deleted said...

While this is a deserved slam on Mr. Talking Smug and his contempt for flyover land (does anyone know if he has a car?), your defense of SUV- and monster pickup-palpers is misplaced, Snobby. If only more than one percent of these vehicles were actually used as farm or work trucks, instead of crypto-minivans or rolling penis pumps...

bob said...

Again, thank you for alerting me to important innovations like, "Turbospoke". I will request mine to sound like a 18 wheeler desending a mountain pass. The immage of middle of the path, oblivious, joggers diving into the ditch on the Hammond trail,...makes me smile.

Og LoneWolf said...

tic_toc_tic_toc

FTW

Astroluc said...

ThirtyThree?!

Anonymous said...

good one today. but please help me out, I just can't seem to figure out what what Cavendish sees in peta todd?

Anonymous said...

PETA TATA

Seward Park Scold said...

Loud pipes save lives.

Anonymous said...

when I read the nypost retort, I always wonder why cyclist draw so much ire from non-cyclists. that is until I come across an overly aggressive biker with his face twisted in an angry snarl yelling at everyone he passes "on your left" and not slowing down even in situations where it clearly is inappropriately dangerous. to those retards: you're bringing us all down, get a clue and stop being such a dick. david byrne is indeed a douchebag of epic proportion.

grog said...

Turbo-breasts.
BOOM BOOM

Anonymous said...

Question: Is the TurboSpoke laterally stiff yet vertically compliant?

PhilboydStunge said...

Twistyface,
I took 2 of the BSNYC stickers, stuck them back-to-back, laminated them, and stuck them in my spokes. They make a noise like the turbospoke, look cooler then hipster fixie spoke cards, and pay homage to Snobbie all at the same time. Plus they irritate erveryone I pass.

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc/rtms sez - "Many years from now, in a far-off future in which a Frenchman has won the Tour de France..."...chortle, chortle - bwa, bwaha, bwahahaha...

...this blog has always been delightfully if not palpably ironic but i see that it's now entered the realm of absurdity...

...who woulda known ???...

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

Alfonso Cocksuck said...

I didn't miss the fudge.

ringcycles said...

maybe Cav will out Cipo Cipolini. Rather than suggesting he could be a porn star as an alternative career, as Mario did, the Manx Missle and his minx could make adult movies as his off-season jig. Think of the possible titles.

bikesgonewild said...

...something about st valentine's day massacre...something, something...hot turbo...i dunno, something, something again, like maybe shooting, ummm, all over peta's lovely breasts...well, nahhh, now i'm conflicted so prob'ly not...

...just lookin' for ironic & creative ideas but i prob'ly shouldn't go there...i don't wanna gross anybody out on such a 'meaningful' day...

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, shit !!!...sorry about that...

...i was just thinking out loud...

...you weren't supposed to actually read that...

Dan O said...

Viewing the LarryKingifier Censor-O-Matic 2000 SL Bosom-and-Genital-Obfuscation Machine has rendered me blind...

Anonymous said...

Real or not, good lob, those are fantastic.

MOTR BOAT

PawnShop said...

For your decidedly NSFW viewing pleasure, Peta Todd's breasts, improved ( as if that were even possible ). As for the assertion that presumably Cavendish is the only one being weaned on those at the moment, Finn would like to disagree. But Finn is 4 or 5 years old now, so you're probably right. Meh.

CommieCanuck said...

hmm... I see (but hopefully don't smell) a collabo between the epic burrito and the Turbospoke.

You too can sound like a twat in a 1984 Toyota with a Pep boys credit card!

Oh, yea, I'm back.

Martin Erzinger said...

http://blogs.reuters.com/felix-salmon/2010/12/22/why-martin-erzingers-victim-doesnt-need-his-money/

Bastards, you have found me out.

Anonymous said...

I got distracted by the link to Plato's retreat. I totally forgot why I was surfing the web. Now I'm back, sullied and wiser.

I am an envious engine said...

CAVS TITS

Salty and Sore said...

@ringcycles-

Heh, heh... Not bloody likely.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Peta Todd........ORG!

bikesgonewild said...

...@salty n' sore...

...any truth to the rumor that michael sinyard still has lifesize prints of those photos up in his office ???...

...just wonderin'...

Anonymous said...

points for the sub-negligbly smug road warrior for having a reflector on the stem. class. not lower class.

The King of Park Slope said...

Let them eat carcake!

Ian and Matilda said...

The fixed gear safety philosophy as adapted to the car.

"Because the Model A’s brakes need a longer distance to stop the car, the trick, he said, is to avoid tailgating. “The car is actually safer because it forces you to be more aware of conditions, of what’s going on around you,” Mr. Klinger said."

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/13/automobiles/collectibles/13MODEL.html?hpw

Brian said...

RIP
Il Pirata

Anonymous said...

@Anon 1:52 --
"I just can't seem to figure out what what Cavendish sees in peta todd?"

She has huge -- tracts of land!

crosspalms said...

and her name is an anagram for Dated Top...

Anonymous said...

i dont understand why Turbospoke isn't using Tridork Fred for their ad copy. It's like they don't want to make any sales or something.

THE WIZARD OF lob said...

Yes Alberto! I will grant your wish of nine consecutive Tour de France victories!

But first you must bring me the crusher claw of the "GREAT anti-lob"

Be advised that a pincer claw will not do! Entender?

THE GREAT lob HAS SPOKEN

Now get the fook outta here!

Anonymous said...

@Arroworra, I like it!

alex said...

plaid.

Nebraska bike commuter (non dwi version) said...

His douchesty had a song outlining his thoughts on me and my ilk way back on his old band's second album. I could tell even then that he was a total douche, even before that word was in my regular vocabulary.

Rodney Dangerfield said...

Hey everybody!
We're all gonna get laid!

Anonymous said...

well, not me.

Psycho Killer said...

David Byrne has done a lot for me. He didn't have to but he did. He is sort of a Hipster G*d/Mother Teresa all rolled into one to me.

All you haters out there should be advised!

I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Qu'est que c'est

leroy said...

It's a little known fact that the movie Groundhog Day is based on the last line from "My Funny Valentine": "Each day is Valentine's Day."

Okay, it may not be a fact, but it is little known.

And it is a fact that my figure is less than Greek.

Anonymous said...

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/swarm/nectar-and-elixir-bike-seat-clamp-bottle-openers

the newest hipster accessory, even in fabulous colors!

網站設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Anonymous said...

who is this magical ubiquitous person on a bike? is he The Omniscient being?

抓姦 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

偵探社 said...

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尋人 said...

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討債 said...

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討債 said...

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法律諮詢 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

Anonymous said...

Could there be a Tri-dork photoshop or caption contest?

SLAM said...

Legally clenbuteroled

Runr53 said...

Peta Todd on a recumbent and no comment?

Stop Making Sense said...

The repetitive insertion of the topless recumbent rider into your thesis was masterful (et al).
I.......

watch cell phone with bluetooth camera said...

I was very encouraged to find this site. I wanted to thank you for this special read. I definitely savored every little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you post.

Philip Williamson said...

Elitist cyclist: http://www.stltoday.com/lifestyles/health-med-fit/fitness/article_7f696cbb-a68e-5936-b13a-7e3c9ca1c06f.html

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The 2 Girsl Teach Sex said...

That girl looks cute.

Regards, Mikes

Fixie Bikes said...

Why all that larry king? D:

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