Friday, February 11, 2011

BSNYC Friday Gut-Busting All-You-Can-Eat Buffet!

In the past four years, New York City has added something like 250 miles of bicycle lanes. So to whom do these lanes belong? Who has "dibs?" Do they belong to the Beatiful Godzilla portaging a Marc Jacobs handbag and a Bichon Frise in her front basket? Do they belong to the Nü-Fred with a fixed-gear bicycle, a voluminous backpack, and a bewildering assortment of nylon pouches on his belt? Or do they belong to the Cat 4, rushing to get to the park so he can do the training homework his coach has just sent to him via email?

Actually, the bike lanes don't belong to any of them. That's because they belong to "TEXSGOLD," and TEXSGOLD is entitled to pre-empt you because he (or she) drives a Bentley:

Sure, it's annoying, and when my frigid ride along Manhattan's busy 6th Avenue was impeded yesterday by this vanity-plated ultra-luxury automobile the first thing I felt was indignation--especially since the driver seems to have made a point of stopping in the bike lane instead of pulling up to the empty curb. But then I stopped to think about it, and I realized that I was actually being quite arrogant. I mean, who did I think I was anyway? Sure it's a bike lane, but all I'm riding is a lousy Scattante. Meanwhile, TEXSGOLD is driving a car that costs more than my home. I can't possibly imagine the pressures of a person who works to sustain such a lavish lifestyle. In fact, when you think about it, TEXSGOLD is actually performing a public service. Many of us couldn't possibly afford such an exquisite car, but thanks to TEXSGOLD's hard work at least we have the chance to admire one up close and maybe even run right smack into its rear bumper. Maybe our heads will even burst right through the rear windshield and we'll be afforded a glimpse of that hand-stitched leather upholstery. Whether you're behind the wheel of a fine vehicle like a Bentley, or you're splayed out on the trunk with your feet still stuck to the pedals and your groin humping that seductive winged "B," your appreciation for its finery and your gratitude for its existence is the same.

So please, take our bike lanes, TEXSGOLD, and use them as your exclusive VIP loading and unloading area. In fact, take the entire city--you deserve it. I'd have actually thanked TEXSGOLD for reminding me of how the city and the world works and where I stand in it, but the car was actually empty, since TEXSGOLD was most likely lunching in the nearby McDonald's:

Sure, Manhattan is mostly just an urban theme park for the ultra-wealthy, but the McDonald's do deliver, and the delivery people ride some serious bikes.

Speaking of knowing where you stand, I was dipping my ladle in the smugness fount that is Streetsblog yesterday when I noticed a post about the following Daily News article:

As you can see, the word "pedaled" (or "pedalled" if you're from the gratuitous letter country) is misspelled, and indeed it's almost always misspelled by both the Daily News and the New York Post. I always used to just put it down to the fact that they were idiots, but at this point I'm reasonably sure they do it on purpose, like how George H.W. Bush used to call Saddam Hussein "Sodom." By writing "peddled," they subconsciously remind readers of peddlers, which in turn evokes those old pushcarts on Orchard Street, which were removed by the city because the merchants complained they were bad for business, just like the merchants are complaining now that the bike lanes are bad for business, and the upshot is nobody will mind when all these "peddlers" and their bike lanes are gone so that there's nothing between their store and TEXSGOLD except a few feet of sidewalk, which I'm sure they'll manage to get rid of too by the time the 22nd century rolls around.

Until then, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see what media insiders call a "photo op."

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and make way for TEXSGOLD.


--BSNYC/RTMS




1) Mark Cavendish hopes that Riccardo Riccò, who has been hospitalized after what appears to be a botched blood doping attempt:





2) Following his Clenbuterol positive, Alberto Contador has resolved to quit:





3) This man used his mountain bike to defend himself against a:





4) Fill in the blanks: "When I heard that he was delivering ___ by _______, it was a short stop to me falling in love."







5) "Thunderthighs This:" According to Selle Italia, their new proprietary $630 seatpost and saddle combo can save the rider 10-15 seconds over 5km by "reducing friction between a rider’s thighs and the saddle."





6) Fill in the blank: "We were like, 'Hey, guy's delivering ___ on a _______ so we had to do it.'"






7) This formation is called a:




***Special Evolutionary Dead End-Themed Bonus Question***

This contraption is called:






102 comments:

RANTWICK said...

Oh Lob, let me podium. I'll never get anywhere on Valentines if I don't podium...

SLAM said...

doping is easy

Paul Cauchon said...

SECOND!

Paul Cauchon said...

podium at least!

RANTWICK said...

Oh, I am so gonna get laid... thanks Snob! And Lob!

Anonymous said...

Dusted by busted nuts

Anonymous said...

CARCAKE!!! Thanks Snob!

samh said...

Is Merckx > than Lob?

Jon said...

Top ten!

ringcycles said...

what was the expiration date on that bag?

Anonymous said...

Is it still called a carcake when it's on a semi?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8FNQx7Cd9A

le Correcteur said...

Just missed top ten; the sprint took advantage of my discombobulation and left without me!

ringcycles said...

Wow, so many possible names for the bonus contraption;
The bondage-mobile
The polar bear bait trap
The Super Fred Sling.
Truly it boggles the mind.

Anonymous said...

Snobby,

That Bentley is owned by Rodger Loughlin - owner of the Ferrantino Fuel Oil Company - phone number 718-832-6700. You should give him a call...

Anonymous said...

Kelly Brook needs to take lessons from the tranny-girl look-alike on the cargo bike with kids posted earlier this week. Did no one tell her that riding a bike and keeping your legs together in lady-like fashion so as to not show the world your panties is absurd?

mikeweb said...

Perfect except for the bonus. I didn't know Texas had their own Olympics. I wonder what the Gold medal was for?

Have a grate weakend everyone! Happy peddling!

Joe said...

I believe the answer to question three is properly written "LEOPARD TREK," not "leopard." For shame; didn't you get the memo?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

1st aced quiz!

The streetflyer thing should be a hit with the fleshhook crowd.

Great work as usual snob. Have a nice weekend.

Now off to dip my laddle.

Dave said...

100% on the quiz. I guessed on the Street Flyer thing (man, that looks painful).

Ya gotta love the ever quotable Mark Cavendish. I guessed on that one too but it was the only possible answer.

Anonymous said...

The streetflyer almost reminds me of Mr. Garrison's invention from South Park:

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/153058/it-beats-dealing-with-the-airline-companies

ant1 said...

ant1st!

He Hate Me said...

That's a stupid license plate

Anonymous said...

Victory

Anonymous said...

"the flesh hook crowd..." OML!

Marrock said...

Now in my mind I can see a asshat owned bentley with a certain monster truck incarnated lobster god parked on it doing burnouts till it looks like a melted crayon.

Chazu said...

He's got an interstate runnin' through his front yard.

You know he thinks he's got it so good.

Xak said...

I would seriously consider any bicycle endorsed by Mr Ncube.

Thats so badass I don't even know where to begin.

Marcel Da Chump said...

TEXSGOLD=OIL

migueldemontaigne said...

keywords: Portland, handbuilt bicycles, marketing, illiteracy

http://shootingafly.blogspot.com/2011/02/english-101-bicycles-as-characters-in.html

Anonymous said...

The power of the internet, we already know who owns TEXSGOLD.

rural14 said...

ant 2nd!
Nice Bentley, can be bent nicely. Use your metal waterbottle; esp if left to freeze overnight. A fine accessory.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"Ncube managed to trap the animal's two front legs in the triangle of his bicycle's frame so that it could not move freely or reach him with its teeth."

And that, my friends, is an exact description how I manage to score so mush hipster pussy.

Peita Ncube said...

Just wanted to give a shout-out to my American cousin, Ice Cube.

Anonymous said...

"When I heard that he was delivering semen by flowerbox, it was a short stop to me falling in love."

"When I heard that he was delivering hot karls by tubesock, it was a short stop to me falling in love."

Anonymous said...

"Hey, the guy's delivering shit on a shingle, so we had to do it."

Chazu said...

TEXSGOLD may be a fuel oil mogul.

Me? I'm movin' to Montana soon. Going to be a dental floss tycoon.

I'll be 'palping' a Strong Frame.

http://www.strongframes.com/

Anonymous said...

"This contraption is called a Veitnamese spin-fuck device."

Anonymous said...

TEXSGOLD in the flesh, and looking more than a little fleshy:

http://www.ffcenergy.com/html/about.html

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Neil said...

I believe that the correct answer for #7 is автомобиль торт. It is a Lada after all...

Anonymous said...

Is it over the top to pull out a key and run it along side the vehicle as you pedal or "peddle" by? If this occurred as every cycle went by to every car that parked in the cycle lane, one would think the word would get around as the blatant disregard would subside somewhat.

SLAM said...

I think we should get all the Bentley drivers parked into a bike lane straped to the street flyer and sent into the middle of the Champs D'Élysée 5 o'clock traffic with no-one allowed to help undo the back hook.

Cake Boss said...

To the Box Truck Baby!

Toot Moanhorn said...

Aced my first Quiz!
Can I get a Cocky?or
Am I TOO cockies for
The prize of winning!

Best Blog Ever, Yeah?

Golden Shower said...

I wonder how long it will take for mr TEXSGOLF plate to find his car on BSNYC?

Mike said...

I like the guys in the background of the Kelly Brooks video. Ass clowning around. Probably will never have their own Texassgold

Martin Erzinger said...

Rodger Loughlin is my kind of guy,in fact he is one of my guys.

I bet he got that dent by going down a mountain road at 70 mph backwards, and had an orthodontist get in the way.

Those titanium frames make bigger dents than the carbon fiber ones which just splinter.

When you have a car like that you can do whatever you want, you snow encrusted peasants.

Now I like pie just like everybody else, but mine get delivered by peddlers in Hummers.

ken e. said...

whoa, major ire at humanity for;
a) POS bentley -nice design, circa never)
b) that thing -nice giant fenguard
c) $600+ for a saddle & seatpost

thanks snob for reminding me my quizzical failings are minor compared to many. cue torrential rain.

Anonymous said...

what is more perfect than a fuel oil company owner parking his bentley in a fucking bike lane? it's like a giant fist to the rectum of all tree hugging smug cyclist everywhere. i would say well done mr. Loughlin, if of course blocking bike lanes with cars wasn't a serious pet peeve of mine. In which case, i would just like to key his ridiculous car.

I am the not so fast engine said...

http://www.treehugger.com/files/2010/06/pedal-powered-porsche-turning-heads-very-slowly.php

Now where do I drive my new porche, in the bike lane on on the sidewalk?

I bet that will confuse nyc finest.

Anonymous said...

#3 is not just LEOPARD TREK, Its LE-O-PARD TREK.

UberFred said...

I would expect the Bentley has a badass bodyguard/chauffer. I'd be reluctant to key it. I have been known to hawk a loogie or two in my day, though.

Rodger Loughlin said...

I have the oil, quit messing with me or I will not sell you any. Then who will be sorry.

Max said...

TEXSGOLD is merely putting the principles of of Worthington's Law into action.

I wonder if Vito is a ranking monkey?

db said...

"When Ferrantino Fuel Corporation takes over your oil deliveries..."

Yeah, that doesn't sound mob-related at all. You don't key the car of a made man.

Marcel Da Chump said...

How much $$$ did Mr. Bentley/TEXSGOLD contribute to
to city politicians?

TEXSGOLD said...

AYHSMB = All You Haters Suck My Bentley

Kenny Banya said...

Gold Snobby, TEXS GOLD!

Anonymous said...

TEXSGOLD says let them eat cake...carcake!

RANTWICK said...

Doesn't anybody respect the Beverly Hillbillies any more?

It's BLACK GOLD or TEXAS TEA.

TEXAS GOLD = GOLD

Or, he is actually a Texan Radiologist, and not a fuel oil guy at all.

g-roc said...

Less than $2-400k for an apartment? Brooklyn isn't as gentrified as I thought.

Хотите картофель с этим?

Anonymous said...

http://urbanvelo.org/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/index.png

Marcel Da Chump said...

With the Street Flyer, one could actually give a flyng fuck.

Anonymous said...

Ahh, cars on a cycle lane... easy one this. If the car is occupied ask the person if they've broken down. When they say no, say, "Oh that's a shame, the tow truck will be here in a few minutes, cos why else would you park here?"
Or, actually call a tow truck out and let them argue.

If the car is unoccupied then it's fair game. There's a reason why D-locks are a) heavy, and b)easy to swing...

SLAM said...

"With the Street Flyer, one could actually give a flyng fuck"

Ha! Marcel, bravo.

LEO-PARKED-TRUCK

frilly said...

Awwwe, I was really hoping for kittens by segway.

Bristol Traffic said...

You should feel honored to have been held up by a vehicle belonging to someone that important. Normally you'd have found a police car, a taxi or some local parked there, but today someone important felt that it was necessary to drive down there and remind you and you fellow cyclists of your place in society: somewhere below homeless people.

You should have taken his wing mirror home as a souvenir. It probably cost more than your bicycle alone, after all.

Name said...

People, do you really want to pester around a mob guy? Easy on Texblob

Alfonso Cocksuck said...

Holy fuck.

Terre Haute Karl said...

Looks like you have a pretty good chance of banging your knees on the ground riding the street flyer.

-wait, someone is delivering ham by pennyfarthing now??

etherhuffer said...

In a far too serious response, here in Seattle our yard service guys are generally new immigrants or illegals. They mow your grass and "trim" your trees. In reality, they go around and top trees, essentially ruining or killing the tree. A local woman started a site called Plant Amnesty, a good resource on NOT topping trees. I download her page and went to leave it on the butchered tree and the owner came out screaming and yelling that he could do to his stuff whatever he wanted to. True, but whoa. I think I was not the first to come knocking.

Don't mess with Texas, just call the tow truck.

'THE CIPO' said...

I Love the American poon-tang. Kind of an Oscar Mayer balogna/cheese whizzie thingie goin on there. I LIKES IT!

Anonymous said...

Better pic of Rodger Dodger:
http://www.ffcenergy.com/html/contact.html

Top said...

STOV TOP!

Anonymous said...

No offense bike slob but that car is a Chrysler. Look at the logo...

Anonymous said...

Figures that street glider was invented by Meh-ring. What a piece of crap!

crosspalms said...

anon 4:52
Chrysler with a "B." Must be one of those Monday morning models. Probably a collector's item.

Bill Smith said...

I kind of liked the "human cat toy" answer.

Salty Seattle said...

Commentariat Madlibs FTW!

Have a great weekend everyone!

JThorstensen said...

Snob -- Your favorite institution of Higher Learning is in The Onion:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/bard-college-named-nations-no-1-dinner-party-schoo,19032/?utm_source=recentnews

Chubby Checker said...

Let's twist again! Like we did last millennia! Let's twist again! Twistin Time Is Here! BADA BADA BADA BADA BOP BOP!

Anonymous said...

As someone who has made a pretty decent living out of lawsuits involving accidents with motor vehicles I find looking at the picture of the Bentley pretty difficult and frustrating. It's a massive missed opportunity.

I can only assume that the hazzard lights were off but in this situation surely the temptation would have been there to confuse the dark, open void of the delivery truck with the dark substantial mass of the Bentley and plough straight in to the rear of the vehicle.

I should add that I have been known to perform stunts at amateur stage productions so I would have been able to pull of quite a spectacular show in moderate safety. I would have aimed to write off the bicycle flown over the car and landed semi-conscious writhing in pain in front of the Bentley.

I would have then phoned my attorney and started legal proceedings. Why, oh why didn't you?

leroy said...

Is it just me or does today's post remind anyone else of Alan Sherman's essay on obesity that concludes "Hail to thee fat man, you kept us out of war"?

Probably just me.

Don't ride fuelish.

Charles said...

anon 4:52

It's a Bentley

Anonymous said...

Bikesnobnyc -

Is there an email address to send you links?

Mitch said...

Is it true that "Scatante" means a little piece of poop in Italian?

Anonymous said...

http://www.ffcenergy.com/html/contact.html

jimmynuetron said...

The mountain bikes parked in front McDonalds do not belong to the delivery staff. Those are messenger bikes. Not "lifestyle" messenger, but 10 am eating at McDonalds messengers.

Anonymous said...

If the guy from number 3 who kept the LAY-O-PARD at bay with his mountain bike had been riding the bonus-question contraption instead, he would indeed have been a "human cat toy".

Everything ties together. Om.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Hurt me, squirt me, but don't say no.

Anonymous said...

Def leppards pyromania is a pretty good album

wishiwaslob said...

SamH: No. Lob>Merckx.

Oliver W. Douche' said...

Recumbentists, take it supine.

Sean L. said...

Snob,

These folks are really into the worship of Lob. This is supposed to be a Christmas card photo?

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/12/27/lobster-bisque/

A Boy Named lob said...

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July
And I just hit town and my palps was dry,
I thought I'd stop and have myself some plankton .
At an old lagoon on a street of mud,
There at a table, dealing stud,
Sat the dirty, mangy crustacean that named me "lob."

Og LoneWolf said...

Hey Hey, only one wrong answer! But I had to cheat by reading all these comments furst.

FTW

Og LoneWolf said...

looks like I get the Red Lantern once again...

FTW

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Eden Gold said...

Whoa, so many possible titles for that bonus contraption;
The bondage-mobile
Your total tolerate lure capture
The Super Michael Chuck.
Really it boggles the mind.

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Fixie Bikes said...

That last picture looks like such an awkward contraption.