Monday, January 3, 2011

Happy Nü Year: What Little Difference a Year Makes

(Sad commentary on the state of affairs, spotted by Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne)

Well, it's 2011, and three days into the new year I'm already making good on my resolution, which is to generally be more like "whatever" about stuff. I made this resolution after realizing that most of the world's problems are caused by people being way too into stuff (religion, making money, sending that urgent text message while driving at the expense of others' safety), and concluding that if people generally cared less about stuff that the world would be a better place. If we managed to rid society of qualities such as ambition, vitality, and passion and all became a bunch of slow-moving, passive creatures, then surely our world would be transformed into a paradise. It would be like Portland, only without the undercurrent of smugness.

Speaking of slow-moving, passive creatures, I undertook a trip over the holidays that fortuitously had me leaving New York the day before the Crazy Epic Blizzard of Death of 2010 struck and returning just as the Crazy Epic Airport Delays of Death of 2010 finally resolved themselves. I won't say where I went because nobody really cares where I go anyway, but I will say that when I pulled my rental car over and relieved myself by the side of the highway I scared the crap out of a bunch of cows:

(Thousands of bovines flee in terror as I urinate.)

I'd always just assumed these slow-moving, passive creatures had no survival instincts whatsoever so I was rather surprised when they ran. I was also surprised that the resulting stampede laid waste to most of the state, resulting in innumerable injuries and incalculable property damage, making this one of the most destructive "pee-pees" I've ever taken.

I was not surprised, however, to find upon returning to New York like four days after the snow storm that the city was still in chaos. This is because the typical New Yorker's reaction to the first sign of snow is to panic, jump into their cars in order to drive two blocks to purchase bottled water and duct tape, and promptly crash into each other. Immediately upon arriving home, I hopped on my Smugness Flotilla to survey the damage and there were still abandoned vehicles all over Ocean Parkway:

There had to be at least ten in this one block stretch alone, some of which were even in the turning lanes:

Granted, I was away scaring cows with my urine during the actual storm, so I don't know if the drivers left their cars here or if the city towed them from elsewhere and left them there for "safe keeping," but with most streets perfectly passable by that point you'd think people might have come and collected them by then. The drivers can't all have perished in the storm.

Then again, maybe they did, because a few blocks away emergency vehicles still weren't getting anywhere. This was because, even though the streets were clear, the double-parkers combined with the snow piles resulted in lots of congestion. My outdated "smartphone" coupled with my poor photography skills do not yield very revealing pictures, but here are a bunch of vehicles with sirens ablaze unable to get anywhere, blocked as they were by urgent energy drink deliveries:

The fire engine behind me did not move for the entire time it took me to pick up my "epic" post-flight homecoming take-out lunch order.

Even as recently as last night, one week after The Crazy Epic Horrible Death Snowing Blizzard of Aught-Ten, cars were still parked perpendicular to the curb, despite abundant parking and the fact that it's been like 50 degrees for days:

So if you're not from New York and your impression of the city from The Movies is that the people who live here are hardy, no-nonsense urbanites, I can assure you that this is not the case and that we are in fact mostly a bunch of simpering "wussbags" unable to take even the most basic responsibility for our own motor vehicles.

But of course this guy already knew that:

Really, having weathered many a New York snowstorm, the only thing that surprises me about the aftermath of the Deathtastic New York City Hell Blizzard of Nineteen Hundred Two Thousand Ten is that David Byrne hasn't started gloating yet:

He doesn't have a car, you know.

And on the positive side, the uncollected trash is breaking people's falls:

Note the jumper was a "despondent" man, making this an unusual twist on the typical "exuberant" man suicide story to which we've all, sadly, become accustomed.

Speaking of being despondent in New York City, sometimes all you need to help you through those rough times is a source of inspiration. Consider this tunnel-dwelling homeless person and her motivational decor:

("Following Lance Armstrong's shining example got me where I am today.")

Also, it's difficult to tell by the photo, but she's even reading a copy of Chris Carmichael's seminal work, "The Time-Crunched Cyclist:"

It's a tome best enjoyed by candlelight in a dark tunnel, even if you don't ride and have plenty of time on your hands.

But not everybody finds inspiration in the sporting accomplishments of others, and for these people sometimes joining a good old-fashioned club is the best way to find motivation. And what club could be more motivating and old-fashioned than a Bianchi Pista Club? Fortunately, a reader who claims his name is "Julian" informs me that someone is starting just such an organization:

Bianchi Pista ... Club .......Members wanted (Upper West Side)
Date: 2011-01-02, 7:46PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

hi everyone ...
I am looking to creative a bianchi pista club .... for only pista owners only ....... Cool and creative ways to swap parts meet other and enjoin
riding around town as a group from time to time . Members would only be a pista owner only . Chances for wining new parts and other stuff ....
Looking for about 20 members only ... trying to keep it simple and fun but creative and funky .......

Please email me with bike pictures and contact .........
thanks ...
siempre ...
this is my pista ... way to much to list ........



Once the "noob chariot" of choice, the humble Bianchi Pista has clearly attained "retro" status in 2011, though performing a trackstand on a slab of concrete against an urban backdrop while accompanied by a whippet is indisputably timeless.

For my part though, I'm going to forego the Bianchi Pista Club and instead join the Siblinghood of the Brokenago by purchasing this frame, which was forwarded to me by another reader:

It's laterally stiff and vertically fissiparous.

Whatever.

101 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeah!

Dr. Feel Good said...

Podium. Nice start to the new year!

dcdouglas said...

Podium!

Eric N. said...

Good stuff.

Anonymous said...

fifth

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

jonathan said...

Thanks for your blog, snob. I look forward to it every day...here is to a new year of bikesnob's blog! keep on pedaling!
Jonathan

REMA GLUE said...

Tip-Top

Mike said...

Welcome back, and happy new year!

Anonymous said...

Top ten!!

General Pants said...

Another year of mediocrity

MEDI OCRE

"simple and fun, but creative and funky"...like my bowel movements.

clasher said...

What obscure-word email list do you subscribe to? Fissiparous is a great start to a year of obscure words gingerly tossed into your blog.

I am the broken engine said...

Thank god you are back, no I need to read it thoroughly, Liked the broken frame link, going to get me one of them asap.

Anonymous said...

13 is good.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Now that I have my finish reserved - what concerns me most about the Bianchi club is the complete lack of spelling in the post. State schools are failing us miserably.

cycle

SteveL said...

Here's a question. If a bit of light snow causes everyone to make the city worse by parking badly , how come in the film " I am legend" will smith can drive at speed round a zombie infested city without any vehicles in the way?

Was the final action of every human before they became zombie to pull their car off the road? Or did a subset of zombies, instead of trying to live off the blood of the remaining few humans, take up moving abandoned cars to side roads so the last few humans can drive round at speed?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

So where did you go again on your vacationway snob?

Dave said...

I think that Julian is demonstrating a remarkably creative use of the english language.

rainer said...

Top 20 into the new year wooooo

Shu-Sin said...

fissiparous!!!
hail the new year!!!

Anonymous said...

Duct tape cures fissiparousness

Yen said...

Seriously, it was bad. It was like the Donner Party minus the cannibalism.

Lez Bianczik said...

Coulda used this guy in NYC to help with the cleanup

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8zZkyLTfLPg

samh said...

Back in the day!

ABELGUS said...

FIRST!!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!PODIUM!!!OOPS!!!

ervgopwr said...

Whatever...


Snob's pissing made those cows mad.

Anonymous said...

So this is the "Tour Down Under" that Lance is going to race in a few weeks. Racers will use lighting systems and "rat trap" pedals.

I think a good friend needs to tell Lance to let it go, before he becomes the Evander Holyfield of cycling.

Mad you left us so long said...

A quick lesson for a city boy about bovines.

First, don't call a herd of bovine a bunch of cows. The term for a large group of bovines is a herd, not a bunch. Secondly, the plural for non gender specific bovine is cattle, not cows. If you tell a rancher or dairy farmer that a group of bovine are cows, you would be telling them all of the cattle were females.

Your other mistake is assuming cattle are passive. Apparently you have never been chased in a pasture by a very mad bull or cow! Let me assure you, an animal that causes you to jump full speed through a barbed wire fence is by no means "passive."

Snob, you need to read ThePioneerWoman every now and then. Don't be such a greenhorn.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back, my days have been empty and meaningless without you. It appears that the bianchi pista guy is not only trying to form a new bike club but also his own language, which seems to be loosely based on english.

Anonymous said...

I think that this year's Tour Down Under will have to be a pedalo race, going by the weather there!

Just thought I'd mention that "55 objects man" (or whatever he's called) made it into the Glasgow Herald over the weekend.

Meh.

Hey nonny mouse

crosspalms said...

Welcome back and happy new year!
Pista delivery guy has one good idea: "enjoin
riding around town as a group from time to time." Maybe a permanent injunction.

cyclotourist said...

BIKE CLUB

VANJ UMPS

PawnShop said...

Londoners wishing to End It All by jumping out of ninth floor windows have been hampered in their efforts for quite a bit longer than a week. And they only got 4 to 6 inches of the white stuff. Meh.

Comment deleted said...

I told my officemate about snobbie's resolution to more like whatever about stuff, and he was, you know, "meh" about it. I'm *way* into that.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mad you left us so long,

Wait, they attack!?! Had I known that I would have held it in and kept driving!

--RTMS

Mah Haid Hurts! said...

Man, there's some kind of Cosmic Dissidents going on in that blog entry between RTMS using words like Fissiparous and that Pista Club organizer and his malapropistic flatulations. It be causing me no end of pathology.

Steven Falkowski said...

Whippet?!?! More like, Italian Greyhound.

shmaltz herring said...

Are you sure that guy from Minnesota with the goggles isn't really screen legend Jack Palance?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Tried getting funky and creative on a track bike once............
actually, that was with a track bike.

bikesgonewild said...

...it is my intent to attempt to be a less fissiparous commentator as we advance into this new year, although my vociferously vituperous nature may preclude that particular sentiment...

...but i'm just sayin' "like whatever", you know, in case...

I am hungry after lunch engine said...

Mad,

Thank you for the lesson on cows.

I like mine in small pieces well aged, and medium rare.

All that useful information will not help me get a good steak in nyc.

But thanks anyway.

I think snobby was only using cows as the expression of passive creatures, he could have used french men just as easily.

julian said...

KANT SPEL

Anonymous said...

That broken bicycle frame is for the dentist who has tired of perfect, manicured bike porn and wants to get a little adventurous with damaged goods. I mean just think of all the ways you can mount that frame!

miguel said...

The ultimate device

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52lyKbJ4PtQ

http://www.spib64.com/ingles/index.html

http://cgi.ebay.es/Soportes-Posicion-Invertida-Bicicletas-SPIB64-/250745312303?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_186&hash=item3a6195d42f

wishiwasmerckx said...

Traveled back to where I grew up over the holidays. Saw my 85 y.o. father, who mostly uses a wheelchair to get around now.

I aked him, "So, what's the longest skid you ever busted in that thing?"

He just looked at me as if I was crazy.

Headlongintomyownurine said...

Snobbie, you gotta be more careful with those highway rest stops. There was that time you rode to the hairy muffin with the contest winner and now this. From now on maybe you should sit down to pee.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Snob-o,

In your absence I was forced to read the entire Yahuda Moon serial out of abject boredom.

The beard in coming in nicely and the recumbent is on order.

Gee...thanks
MEH

Anonymous said...

The picture of Byrne in a faux-pajama always gets me.
Welcome back Snob, we missed you.

CommieCanuck said...

Oh man, I gotta get me one of them "Rotto" frames, this is the next big thing since BB30.

Sure, years ago I ran around yelling, "cyclists are PEEE-PULLL!!", like this guy . But no one believed me, so I joined the NRA.

Pajama Jean said...

Hell, that ain't nothin'. I don't even have a drivers license.

https://www.pajamajeans.com/flare/next

Now I can still fit inta my jeans after the holidays.

Anonymous said...

you could get seven of those frames for the cost of shipping this one

CommieCanuck said...

Was the final action of every human before they became zombie to pull their car off the road? Or did a subset of zombies, instead of trying to live off the blood of the remaining few humans, take up moving abandoned cars to side roads so the last few humans can drive round at speed?

You know, after a good zombie movie, my local mensa chapter likes to break off into discussion breakout groups and talk about this conundrum. I'll tell you the answer, but you couldn't possibly understand it.

We're currently struggling with how the Star Trek Next Generation personnel could possibly take a poop in those outfits. Current best hypothesis involves fecal time travel and the hyperspace "hot karl", which started all the hate with the Klingons.

Mensa.

grog said...

While you were away, we had a herd of holidays. They were, you know, whatever, meh. Wish you were here.

CommieCanuck said...

..but i'm just sayin' "like whatever", you know, in case...

<a href="http://www.lssu.edu/banished/current.php:>Lake Superior State University list of Banished terms for 2011.</a>

LSU, instead of a real education, we do shit like this.

CommieCanuck said...

Lake Superior State University list of Banished terms for 2011>and we learn HTML.

bikesgonewild said...

...ya but you gotta agree, at least 'lake superior state' usually has a pretty good hockey team...for like, americans, eh ???...

Dan O said...

A roll of duct tape would turn that busted Colnago in a bitchin' fixie.

db said...

"Page Not Found".

Keep at it, Commie. (Hint: no URL ends with a colon.)

Oldentard said...

Whatever...

I'm starting an organization called "Densa"...

If you can fill out the application properly you don't qualify.

frilly said...

Snob, shoulda been in the StL. We had tornadoes New Year's Eve afternoon. Seriously. It was a good warm morning for a ride, 60F, but unfortunately my lazy ass slept the morning away. Awoke to the blare of tornado sirens. Meh.

bikesgonewild said...

...dan-o...i have one of those old pink "yo, eddie" buttons...

...just sayin'...

Pedantic said...

On the Colnago, wouldn't it be considered 'new' as a broken colnago and 'used as a non-broken colnago?

I mean, how could you "use" a broken frame?

Just wondering...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Hyperspace "Hot Karl"
-Good One C.C.

Iris Weinshal said...

It's not the tape and snow making cars crash into one another. It's the law-evading bike lanes.

TNG Wedgie said...

@CommieCanuck - it's beamed from the rectum or bladder directly into space. Ever notice Picard suddenly smiling warmly for no apparent reason?

Full Carbon DDS said...

2011 is here. Snob once again is dispensing his 'SNOBULES' of wisdom. Let the Smug Velo-Irony commence to begin.

sufferist said...

Happy New Year Snob....

Anonymous said...

wait for it...

Anonymous said...

there ya go, 69er

Anonymous said...

3:33/commie
LSU is for the place with the football program, not Lake Superior.

Anonymous said...

@Anonymous 12:35pm
Lance Armstrong has to race TDU because they paid him millions to do it. He goes where the money is. Simple.

Fergie said...

UR BiKE SUC'S

Werd!

Welcome back Snobby!

Tiny said...

Haha... I rode past that banner-sign the other day...

Klunker said...

Happy new year!

my2hands said...

Hey frilly and BSNYC,

I was riding during those tornadoes in the STL...still not as scary as my commute through North STL!

leroy said...

Fissiparous?

I thought that was a fancy word for why those big two liter bottles of Fresca went flat after you opened them.

Or am I thinking of fissiporus?

Nogocyclist said...

RTMS, go ahead and tell everyone why they should buy the Colnago frame. You hinted at it in your statement "It's laterally stiff and vertically fissiparous."

If the readers of this blog looked up this word and read all the definitions, they would have seen the one that was appropriate "2. (of an organism) Reproducing by fission."

Most people would have thought you were referring to the first definition: "1. Inclined to cause or undergo division into separate parts or groups." Seeing the bike, this use seems appropriate, but it actually is the second definition that is applicable for this bicycle.

In a week or two, fissiparous will occur and the person who has the bike at that time will own three brand new Colagno bicycle frames.

Whatever.

indoor bike trainer reviews said...

Honestly, I like your idea of living in a slow phase, where in fact, most people now is in a hurry. A better way for living your life to the fullest.

Aussie McLiverdamage said...

What the EH! No full carbon bikes with me bottle openere. I likes me brew in glass.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you sure pissed off those cows. Your pissing power might have been handy back in NYC. Trapped motorists could have been saved from their icy tombs by the yellow warmth of salvation. Oh, and thanks for sharing your new year's resolution. I went on my first casual group ride with a bunch of road cyclists last weekend. It appeared that I was too slow to keep up and had chosen an inappropriate bicycle for the activity, but now I know to say that I was just being passive in order to reduce the world's problems.
Mad you left us so long, if what you say was true cowboys would be called "cattleboys" or "bovineboys". Get your facts straight. Here is an example of a fact: "moo" is not just some meaningless animal noise, cows have feelings and "moo" is their lazy pronunciation of the already lazy expression "meh". Even more reason to eat them.
Anon 1:12, another fact... the area of land actually inundated by flood water is said to be far larger than the area of France, so a pedalo grand tour is quite feasible. ce

網頁設計 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

抓姦 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

偵探社 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

尋人 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

討債 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

討債 said...

Thank you, that was extremely valuable.

法律諮詢 said...

hooray, your writings on theater and writing much missed!

flynn said...

words to live by: for only pista owners only

Paul Bowen said...

"Note the jumper was a "despondent" man, making this an unusual twist on the typical "exuberant" man suicide story to which we've all, sadly, become accustomed."

Brilliant. Welcome back.

PawnShop said...

The Crazy Epic Horrible Death Snowing Blizzard of Aught-Ten, summarized in a single image

CommieCanuck said...

3:33/commie
LSU is for the place with the football program, not Lake Superior.


Either way, the CV says "LSU".

The final Banished words list, this affects the comments.

Anonymous said...

Pedal-powered snow plows. RePudiate snow! Panties!

Anonymous said...

I get the feeling the 20 or so members of the Pista club will have to come up with their own nick names upon membership. I call TrackMaster.

Doug said...

Sublime. Yet ridiculous all at once. Rest is the most important part of training ya know....

Poppadaddio said...

If everyone in the Bianchi Pista club has the same bike, what is the point of a parts exchange?

Anonymous said...

Check out the questions and answers on the bottom of the eBay page for the broken frame, they are hilarious.

Friendzs said...

www.svrforever.webs.com/

Stephen Cottrell said...

Awesome! What a great post, lot's of good laughs.

WOW Gold said...

Great website, snob. My spouse and i enjoy the idea each day...here's to an alternative year involving bikesnob's weblog! continue pedaling!
http://2usogames.com/
http://rsonlinegame.com/

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Fixie Bikes said...

Thank god for all that NYC trash.