BSNYC Friday Fun Final Examination on Wednesday and Holiday Bjarne Riis-cess Announcement!

Firstly, with the holidays now an undeniable reality, I will officially be entering into a period of intense family immersion and as such will not be adding additional words and pictures to this blog until Monday, January 3rd, 2012 2011, at which point I will return with regular updates. So, if you're also the sort of person who adheres to social constructs such as "holidays" and "dates," you may want to mark the occasion of my return in your Mini Dachshunds 20011 Wall Calendar, along with other important appointments:

Trust me, that frijerater's not going to cleen itself.

In any case, as of today, I'm loading up my sleigh of smugness and vanishing over the horizon:

If anything important and/or fatuous comes up between now and then (like I get trapped under a meat tape-sealed box and need someone to help save my life) I'll apprise you of it via my "Twitter."


Which I'm sure will result in an outpouring of support from the cycling community:

Hey, if you think it will help--I'm willing to try anything at this point.

However, before I go, I should let you know that, if you've got a bunch of mountain bikes laying around and you need some last-minute holiday cash, you can always sell them to a pair of aspiring YouTube comedians:

CHEAP USED MTN BIKES WANTED to crash in our youtube show! (Fairfield)
Date: 2010-12-21, 2:25PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Buick and Robby crash a lot of bikes in their youtube show and we’re just looking to see if anyone has any mountain bikes you’d like to sell for cheap because we’re not looking for any fancy bikes. We’ll pay $15-$20, ultimately depending on the bike. It doesn’t even necessarily have to be in good running condition, as long as the wheels aren’t bent outta shape and the frame and forks aren’t all tweaked. Any donated bikes are appreciated too of course : ). If curious, you can check out our youtube show at this link.

Thanks!

Naturally, I did check out their YouTube show, and I was even amused for one or two fleeting moments:



I'm not sure how many bikes this Craigslist ad will yield, since $15-$20 isn't exactly top dollar (even if the 26-inch mountain bike does currently have the lowest resale value of any style of bicycle in the used marketplace), but I guess that NEA grant didn't come through and production costs are limited.

I'd also like to give my sincere thanks to everybody for reading, commenting, emailing, and even attending my "BRA" events during what has for me been quite an eventful and meaningful year, encompassing as it has the publication of my book, the birth of my son, and of course the completion of my high school equivalency diploma. (I originally decided to get the diploma after I was denied a job at my local Blockbuster video store, but now that the chain has gone bankrupt it means my accomplishment is largely symbolic.) I hope everybody has a great holiday, and, to paraphrase the Hamlet-Bot 9000, may we all be spared the slings and hot karls of outrageous fortune.

In closing, I'm pleased to administer a final examination. This examination will consist entirely of questions from previous quizzes, one from each month of 2010. If you're right, you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see whatever the wrong answer video was from that particular quiz. (Incidentally, "curating" this final examination was harder than you might think, since almost every video I've linked to in the past year appears to have been subsequently removed.) Also, should you pass the final examination, you get to graduate to 2011, but if you fail you'll be forced to repeat 2010. Granted I have no way of enforcing this, but I trust everyone will adhere to the honor system.

Once again, thanks very much for reading, have a great holiday, and I look forward to seeing all of you (who pass, that is) in 2011.

--BSNYC/RTMS

January

Why is Mario Cipollini climbing a ladder?

--He is pursuing a pair of bike thieves

--He is pursuing a lovely lady

--He is in dire need of a toilet

--He's just puttering around the house, doing a few repairs

February

This bike is lighter than:

--Milk
--Cheese
--Eggs
--Butter

March

According to "GQ," what is one of the "most salient" reasons "riding a bike is better than travel by foot or automobile"?

--"Thanks to today's carbon nanotechnology, bikes are sexier than ever."
--"With the right bike, you just look cool."

--"Thanks to the cult of fixie-cool, cycling can add a whole new dimension to your wardrobe."
--"Walking is stupid."

April

這是什麼？

--我認為這是一個自行車，鎖本身。
--果味石子好吃。

May

In the recent bike messenger episode of "Judge Judy," who won: the plaintiff, or the defendant?

--The plaintiff

--The defendant

--Both the plaintiff and the defendant

--Neither the plaintiff nor the defendant, for when "hipster" fights "hipster" the only winner is comedy

June

How can you support this bike messenger in San Francisco?

--Bring him a free burrito

--Make a documentary film about him

--Pay him to deliver something for you even though it would be far easier to send it by email

--Buy his spot on the line for the new iPhone

July

"The only problem was that the three-man breakaway couldn’t get the skin off the custard. I mean really I don’t know what they were trying to do. Maybe they just wanted to go say hi to grandma or something, but they weren’t racing bikes. Honestly it was like they attacked, got in the break, and then said to themselves, “Oops, I don’t really want to be here!” They were going so slow we needed training wheels not to fall off our bikes! And needless to say, we caught them without even trying."

Who said the above?

--Jens Voigt

--Mark Renshaw

--David Millar

--Paul Sherwen

August

"Snow bikes" are poised to replace "monstercross" bikes as the Gratuitous Addition to the Stable that Never Gets Ridden (or GASNGR) of choice for 2011.

--True

--False

September

This wheel setup is known as the:

--"Spokane tubeless"

--"Tacoma tubular"

--"Minneapolis mullet"

--"Rhode Island rim job"

October

("Whuh...?")

Apparently, being a bike messenger in Vancouver is a non-stop thrill ride.

--True

--Whuh...?

November

(The Recumbent History Channel logo)

In recumbent circles (or, more accurately, horizontal ovals) April 1st, 1934 is known as:

--"Recumbency's Death Knell"

--"Recumbents' Darkest Day"

--"Recumbents' Dorkiest Day"
--"Fascism's Birthday"

December

This device is called:

--The Buddy Hitch

--The Bicyclebungee

--The Wheelsucker's Helper

--The Umbilidork Cord

***Special Year-End Bonus Question***

("Okay, now skid!")

The quality and originality of fixed-gear "edits" continues to go:

--Steadily uphill

--Precipitously downhill