Monday, November 22, 2010

Self-Styled: You Are What You Ride

Most people have heard the old saying, "You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs." Obviously, this is not true--especially if you make your omelettes out of Cadbury Creme Eggs as I do, in which case you simply put them in the pan whole and let them melt. (Few things are more delicious than a three-Cadbury Creme Egg and goat cheese omelette, I recommend you try it.) However, I do find it to be true when it comes to "curating" a sarcastic blog, since inevitably somebody is going to get upset. This was the case on Friday, when I offhandedly mentioned that food stylist who got pulled from a flight because of his knuckle tattoos, after which I ran afoul of an actual professional food stylist:

Anonymous said...

Um, there have been food stylists in America for about 50 years now. Which is 49 years longer than one has been able to make a decent living as a sarcastic bike blogger. This is the first you've heard of them (us)?

So, okay, I'll out myself for the sake of the other commentators on this here blog. I'm a food stylist and have been one for 10 years. I don't qualify as a hipster douchebag or have knuckle tattoos. My tattoos are not in plain sight and don't cause me to get kicked off of airplanes. I do, however, have a wife and kids to support and therefore need to work. Should I become a literary agent, supping at the teat of the creativity of those I "represent"? Or should I have chosen another path, say, brain surgeon? Like many in the media, I make fake shit up so I can support myself. There are waaaaaay less respectable fields to be in in these confusing times.

BTW, I'm also a regular reader of your blog and have your book - I didn't just show up here to defend my job. I think, because my line of work clearly does not take less fortunate people into consideration, I'll be cramming my copy of Book Snob into the change cup of the next homeless person I see. Good charity.

xoxo
Lone Wolf


Yikes. Clearly I managed to break that egg quite handily, and I doubt even a legion of professional food stylists could manage to put this particular Humpty Dumpty back together again. I also find it odd that after years of flogging the "dentists and Serottas" joke I have yet to incur the wrath of a single DDS, yet when I mention food stylists one time my book gets given to a (presumably very disappointed) homeless person. Now, I shouldn't have to mention that whether it's dentists, or professional cyclists, or food stylists, all of my jibes are exactly what they seem like--that is, cheap, lame, and hacky jokes that don't really mean anything--and that in actuality I respect anybody who works for a living and indeed many people who don't work for a living (like most hipsters and bike shop employees). In any case, this comment saddened me deeply because I happen to especially admire food stylists and the important work they do (by which I mean tricking people into eating the fast food hamburgers that will eventually kill them). In fact, I'm a bit of an amateur food stylist myself, and here's my most recent project:

It's amazing how expressive you can make a lemon seem with just a can of whipped cream and a dollar store Sharpie knockoff:

And yes, that is a genuine Super Staunion. I know it's extravagant, but it's way better than the regular Staunion and at least twice as toxic.

Speaking of irate commenters, I also received the following scathing critique after admitting that I was freaked out by framebuilder Dario Pegoretti's steel-sniffing and that I've never owned a custom bike:

jerk said...

listen up bub-
you say some funny shit from time to time
but it really says something to me that you've never
owned a custom bike. people like you who make this
online image of yourself as an oracle of style
and substance better have the fucking chops to
back it up. some fat 40 + year old bike virgin with
a Trek and an iPad to post online doesn't have the right to
call himself a snob. sorry man your shark has jumped. go write a feel good book about something stupid. oh wait, you already did.


Sheesh! Now this comment actually depressed me. Believe it or not, there really are people whose identities are inextricably tied into what kind of bike they ride, and who think that if you've never owned a custom bicycle because maybe you can't afford one, or you don't live near anybody who builds them, or that the Bridgestone you bought 20 years ago still seems to be suiting your needs just fine and you just don't see the point of dipping into your children's college fund, you're somehow not a "real" cyclist. He even equates having a custom bicycle with having "chops." Sure, you need "chops" to build a custom bicycle, but you don't need any to ride one. Trust me, they'll sell a custom bicycle to any schmuck willing to pay for one, and the above comment is proof of this fact. By the way, I'm not sure where he got the "oracle of style and substance" part, or the part about the "Trek and an iPad." The only thing I'm an oracle of is douchery, and I wish I had a Trek and an iPad; all I've got is a Scattante and a legal pad, upon which I write douchey jokes with my trusty Super Staunion while under the influence of its toxic fumes.

Anyway, thanks to the "having a fancy bike" = "cycling chops" attitude, we now have videos like this:

BIKE CHECK 212 | 01 DONALREY from cycleangelo on Vimeo.

On Friday I posted a video all about a guy who has a Cannondale, and this is another video from that series. In it, the protagonist has a fancy Yamaguchi track bike that looks like it's never been ridden:


Then, he reflects on how awesome and pristine his bike is and how long his helmet straps are:


Then, he rides slowly through a red light on the opposite side of the street as the bike lane, his helmet straps flapping gently in the breeze:

Seems to me he could have done all of that just as well on a Pacific from Walmart and saved a bunch of money in the process. Most people would probably agree that buying this $9,500 Fendi city bike, which a reader and Twittererer spotted in the Wall Street Journal, is ridiculous:

But really, it's probably more sensible than buying a custom track racing bicycle that costs nearly as much and using it for the same purpose.

Even in Portland, Oregon, where the "bike culture" is so enlightened that any day now they're going to start installing bike lanes in the bike lanes, people have yet to transcend the "you are what you ride" mentality. Instead, they're actually marrying their Vanillas, as one reader informs me. Here is the blushing bride:

And here is the groom being wheeled in by the Jawaharlal Nehru enthusiast who officiated the ceremony:

While this would probably strike most people as a bit excessive, I'm sure in Portland it's a regular occurrence, and I can't imagine the "bike culture" even has much time to ride anymore since their social calendars are so crammed with bike weddings and bike Sweet 16s and bike Bar Mitzvahs. Moreover, I bet these bike weddings are recognized by the local government and are fully legal. In fact, when it comes to matrimony, a Vanilla in Portland probably has far more rights than a homosexual in pretty much any state of the union. This also means that, when you inevitably leave that Vanilla for some other artisanally crafted bicycle du jour, your Vanilla will probably wind up owning your house and having custody of your children.

Of course, the only thing more smug than marrying a custom bicycle is giving up your car, and a reader recently forwarded me the following article in which an Atlanta resident declares this his "best decision ever:"

It also contains some of the most smug lines ever written:

Now, my five-minute journey starts from my downtown loft which I bought four years ago and is stress-free and relaxing.

Each morning, my trek includes a walk down three flights of stairs, where I grab my handmade bamboo bicycle and enter the city streets with my helmet fastened and secured.

Downtown loft a few minutes from the office? Check. Bamboo bicycle? Check. Gratuitous helmet reference? Check. As David Byrne will happily tell you, adopting a car-free existence is easy--simply buy a loft apartment right near the place where you work. That's way cheaper than a Kia.

I especially enjoyed the helmet reference, since as we all know it's OK do whatever you want on a bicycle as long as you wear a helmet. I'm also a big fan of rap PSAs, so I was very pleased when a reader forwarded me this:



Intriguingly, one of the rappers is wearing a Crass t-shirt:

I don't think Crass would endorse helmet use, since in their worldview helmets probably represent police oppression, fascism, war, and the military-industrial complex. Instead, they would probably advocate protecting your head with vegan casseroles and then feeding them to the poor when you arrive at your destination. Perhaps a progressive food stylist can make that happen.

206 comments:

1 – 200 of 206   Newer›   Newest»
thomas said...

Erster

Anonymous said...

podium?

hillbilly said...

howdy

Anonymous said...

podium
-frye

Anonymous said...

little early today...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Sex!

Anonymous said...

yee-haw

Anonymous said...

top 10?

hillbilly said...

guess it's time for me to curate the fuck out of some lunch.

JahKnow said...

top 10!

Anonymous said...

All of you easily offended, can suck my Cadbury Egg(s)

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Mark said...

In the top 20

Neil said...

What about a bike bris? You know, where they shave off the derailleur hanger?

Anonymous said...

You know you've arrived when the food stylists hate you. Congrats!

PawnShop said...

Meh.

Phillip said...

Aside from a Food Stylist being stereotyped as tattooed or being a hipster douche what about questioning the "need" for food to be stylized at all? I think the period of existence of the occupation, 50yrs according to the poster, coinciding pretty closely with the industrialization of the food supply is suspicious to say the least...

Anonymous said...

all those cadbury omelettes are going to rot the teeth out of that helmet free head.

-Mr richard head, DDS

Dr. Vanilla Socket said...

The indignity!!!

I need to set the record straight. I am married to my Vanilla and I don't even live in Portland. I used to respect you and enjoy your blog and read your book while making love to my Vanilla wife.
Don't you be mocking bicycle marriages until you've actually been involved in one. It's a beautiful thing.
Now that you've disenfranchised me, I'll be using the pages of your lame book as toilet paper (also because my stupid wife hasn't gone to the store and gotten toilet paper and we've been out for a long time.).

ant1 said...

the food stylist signed his complaint "lone wolf". it couldn't be the lone wolf, could it?

Frozen digits said...

Creme eggs and goat cheese - appearing soon at a "gastropub" near you. That is actually disgusting.

I was VERY impressed by your food styling effort. That lemon was to die for! I think you should seriously consider going pro if writing doesn't work out.

samh said...

Personally I've enjoyed the couple times that BSNYC has mocked me. Just sayin'.

Astroluc said...

I am glad that the populace in general is getting all worked up over the content of a satirical bike-blog... so much so that those people become indignant and take the things written in said blog, personally, and feel moved to "lash out" at said satirical bike blogger.

For F*cks sake, get over yourselves!! Aren't there more important things to get upset about? Like the rash of people getting upset over NOTHING? (see what I did, there?)

I own a Cannondale and a Specialized... use SPD pedals, might (in some circles) be considered a fred (no helmet mirrors for me though, thanks!) and or (in other circles) a roadie -- but I am not throwing my arms up and yelling (and eventually typing) at Mr. Snobby here because he said something derogatory about the above mentioned items, rider categories...

...no I am not.

For you see... I get that this blog is not attacking "me". Hate to say it, but unless you are named directly... chances are you can let what you read here just slide off your back and become part of the ether;

and if you get so worked up that you just can't let go of the fact that Snobby said something about Australia, recumbents, Jared Leto, or Bike-lanes... ask yourself --

"What am I really upset about??"

Just sayin' ...

That is all.

gregoryyy said...

Hmmm.

There as some sensitive readers out there. Not even the smug Mason Jar Set have that kind of venom.I am thankful you didn't knock on Hand Models.Of course me being a shifty lay-about my skin can be thin at times.Anyway.

Simple solution.Those blogs I can't stand I tend to not read period,much leass send hate mail to

wandl said...

i don't really understand what your "food stylist" friend is upset about. what negative comments did you have to say about them in your post? or are a pair of sarcastic quotation marks enough to set someone off nowadays?

Don Chowder said...

Killing it like always. For the record, I just styled some of last night's lasagna all over the inside of my toilet bowl.

"Strappy" said...

Um, there have been long helmet straps in America for 30 years now. Which is 29 years longer than one has been able to make a decent living as a sarcastic bike blogger. This is the first you've heard of them (them)?

So, okay, I'll out myself for the sake of the other commentators on this here blog. I'm a long helmet strap and have been one for 10 years. I don't qualify as a hipster douchebag or have knuckle tattoos. My tattoos are not in plain sight and don't cause me to get kicked off of airplanes. I do, however, have a wife and kids to support and therefore need to work. Should I become a literary agent, supping at the teat of the creativity of those I "represent"? Or should I have chosen another path, say, bungee cord? Like many in the fastener world, I may be too long to support myself. There are waaaaaay less respectable things to be in in these confusing times.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Yea, I guess I am pretty laid back.

Helen said...

Support the Snob! Mock Your Socks Off!

Jay said...

I'm gonna have "Keep Yo Helmet On" stuck in my head all day, though I may have to write my own extra verse about long straps flapping gently in the breeze.

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, if you're not pissing people off, you're not doing your job.

The "my job is bullshit, but so are a lot of other jobs" defense is common. Yes, someone has to design toilet flanges and fire hydrants, but if all the Food Stylists were wiped off the earth by a mysterious food-borne virus, would anyone notice? But, if all toilets stopped working, I'm sure we'd notice. Besides, isn't that job just getting food to subliminally look like yabbies?

That's why foot-long hotdogs always sell well.

As for the custom frame wanker, reminds me of a friend who decided he hated his steel Colnago geometry and invested in a custom frame and let "the expert work his magic". 6 months to 3 years later, a frame arrives with the exact geometry to the Colnago. I did not sniff it, but after all that time and money, it's got to be better. I'm sure it spins up quickly and has a more real feel, [insert Huangisms here].

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Astroluc,

You really DON'T get it!

This blog IS attacking you.

Anonymous said...

Um, there have been fluffers in America for about 50 years now. Which is 49 years longer than one has been able to make a decent living as a sarcastic bike blogger. This is the first you've heard of them (us)?

So, okay, I'll out myself for the sake of the other commentators on this here blog. I'm a fluffer and have been one for 10 years. I don't qualify as a hipster douchebag or have knuckle tattoos. My tattoos are not in plain sight and don't cause me to get kicked off of airplanes. I do, however, have a wife and kids to support and therefore need to work. Should I become a literary agent, supping at the teat of the creativity of those I "represent"? Or should I have chosen another path, say, food stylist? Like many in the media, I make fluff shit up so I can support myself. There are waaaaaay less respectable fields to be in in these confusing times.

BTW, I'm also a regular reader of your blog and have your book - I didn't just show up here to defend my job. I think, because my line of work clearly does not take less fortunate people into consideration, I'll be cramming my copy of Book Snob into the change cup of the next homeless person I see. Good charity.

xoxo
Dirty Sanchez

Anonymous said...

for the record, the foot long hot dog was styled after me.

Astroluc said...

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne--

yes, but I don't take is personally ;)

rural said...

ant 2nd!

Keep up the good work.
And hey...here's a great line from Fairfield Porter, amazing painter, conflicted human, brilliant 'splainer of art -

Fairfield Porter, when involved in the dull but to some meaningful debate about signing or not signing one's paintings -

"If you are vain it is vain to sign your pictures and vain not to sign them. If you are not vain it is not vain to sign them and not vain not to sign them."

Snubbed by Kelly said...

Geez, A food sylist sounds so made up. He's upset 'cause he knows he's a douche- just like the rest of us. Just a little more so...

As for a BSNYC mention- no matter how, it is an honor! I walk proud at getting his jab.

Paul Bowen said...

In the grand tradition of answer records, I'm gonna respond to the 'Oversat Crew' with "Keep Your Nose Out" - expect it to drop soon.

PawnShop said...

DO NOT BELITTLE toilet flange design. It's quite a bit more nuanced than you think. And clearly undervalued by society, which is why I have to moonlight as a food stylist.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, you may have lost a food stylist, but you gained a helicopter pilot. Which is cool, because we're the fixies of aviation. It's totally zen, you can't take your hands off the controls, you really feel connected to the scenery beneath you, and we don't have the luxury to glide for miles in the event of an engine failure.

All You Haters Start My Turbine

OBA said...

Dentists get jokes made about them all the time, and are used to it. Food stylists are used to being invisible to everyone but their co-workers and are, therefore, a little panicky when you pick up the rock and they have to scuttle for the shadows.

g said...

Seriously,
What the hell is a food stylist?

Worried said...

Just when I thought I had "pants yabbies" sorted out I now have to worry about my "chops"....damn it!!

Question-
Should I increase my meds, change my daily reading from the Snobbster to a food stylists blog or just buck up?

Worried in DC

Anonymous said...

Hey food stylies - ayhsmb.

Desert Rider said...

"I grab my handmade bamboo bicycle"

...are they not all handmade?

cyclotourist said...

HELM ETON

RTMS: You made fun of Rivendell and now they have ads here and sell you book. Is this your way of tricking the North American (minus Mexico) Association of Food Stylists to start posting ads here as and buying books to pass out to vagrants and vagabond?

Quite crafty in your monetization schemes!

The silent majority said...

Snob, for every one tightass who complains, there are 100 people on your side.

cyclotourist said...

HELM ETON

RTMS: You made fun of Rivendell and now they have ads here and sell you book. Is this your way of tricking the North American (minus Mexico) Association of Food Stylists to start posting ads here as and buying books to pass out to vagrants and vagabonds?

Quite crafty in your monetization schemes!

Grammar Nazi said...

I threw out the BSNYC book cuz it was so terrible. Then realized that I needed those free stickers in the back for waxing my taint. Damn, I guess I have to buy another copy.

crosspalms said...

I looked at that Fendi bike closely to find the removable gazelle, but it ain't there. Then I read the caption again: removable gazelle and Roman calf saddlebags. I think I need those for my 5-minute commute where the walk downstairs is as long as the ride to work.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Desert Rider,

No, some are excreted whole by Pandas.

--RTMS

waxmouth said...

that's dollar store knockoff Redi Whip to go with your dollar store Sharpie knockoff

Anonymous said...

I chuckled when I read this post. For the last year or so I had wanted to buy a high zoot carbon frame and build it up with parts I had already bought. I really couldn't afford the frame, so I bought a much less expensive, and unsexy, aluminum frame that fits and rides great. It ain't carbon, it ain't sexy, I may not have chops, but the bike is still awesome. As the snob reminds us, its about the substance (the ride), not the hype (the endless crap).

Anonymous said...

i gotta type this quick before the guards come back.

Anonymous said...

Jawaharlal would never be caught dead in that weak Punjabi getup...his would have only button holes,and require a set of matching studs be brought out of a gilt box from the teak almira.

Anonymous said...

Snobby: sorry to hear that you shit funny from time to time.

Anonymous said...

feel my good book

Fatass with a Specialized said...

Jesus when will these dopey hipsters realize that their lameass videos will just end up on this website and get eviscerated?

You made a retail purchase. Congrats.

Anonymous said...

AYFSWMY

All you food stylists wax my yabbies

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

I Make Stuff said...

The only reason I read your blog is in the hope that eventually some day I will end up being caricatured herein - preferably unfairly and with biting sarcasm - so that I too may be able to write a pathetic letter of protest to you that, rather than vindicating my profession or myself, will serve only to highlight the depths of my complex but barely repressed neurosiseseseseses.

Until then I will make fun of food whatsit guy.

Anonymous said...

I thought the funniest thing about the food stylist rant was that he does have tattoos, just not visable ones.

Snob, the nerve of being so off base with your sarcastic generalizing of food stylyst.

style this.

Anonymous said...

scheiße, wann komme ich mal auf den ersten!?=

Grump said...

After "put downs" from the food guy, and the custom bike guy, I can imagine that you are presently a mass of quivering jelly. Buck up Snob. If you wish, you can use my favorite response...."Get Stuffed".

I have never owned a custom bike because 1) I'm cheap....and 2) Off the shelf fits me just fine.

Anonymous said...

I'm considering buying a $2,500 carbon bike albeit embarrassingly not custom made. Aside from my daily commute on my non-bamboo bike, I only ride maybe 2-3 times a week. I have a job, so I can afford said bike, and other interests and I want my reproductive organs to continue to work properly. I don't own an Ipad, but did once own a Trek, an Antelope 800. Am I a douchebag for buying such an expensive bike given my relatively humble requirements?

g-roc said...

What is a food stylist? Please. Every time the food on my plate doesn't look half as good as the picture I curse the food stylist. No wonder they're so easy to offend. They're obviously ashamed of their deceptive tactics. But, hey, it puts (pre-styled) food on the table.

studioe said...

pretty parsley and curvy cucumbers.

Anonymous said...

http://www.designboom.com/weblog/cat/8/view/12281/thomas-deeprosefixiehook.html

Disgruntl Ed. said...

The part I liked about the Fendi bike ad with the nearly illegible text is that the bike comes with a douchable fred carrier. My bike has one of those too! Rides and smells like a custom frame.

Udo said...

@Anon 1:47:

Quäl dich, du Sau!

Anonymous said...

sup at the teat. No really, food stylists say that all the time.

Anonymous said...

panda poop

Anonymous said...

I used to travel 13 miles each way on a 5 year old trek 4500 between a minimum wage job & community college. The suspension was so soft it sucked up the pavement like a straw & I had absolutely zero clearance between my crotch & the bar.

I would bike to work for nine hours, dressed to interact with Ivy League college students, and bike back before night class. Everything was only as mechanically sound as my pliers & multi-tool could make it.

For what its worth, from my opinion, high-end biking mentality is single-handedly responsible for the vast majority of people who actually need bikes not being able to afford them as well as the low volume of customers which has constantly affected bike retailers.

That the amateur with the 'pro' or 'custom' equipment has the temerity to be offended when he is actually noticed on his flashy ride is one thing. It is enterly different, however, to attack a published author, and by extension 99% of cyclists, because of the circumstances of their not being able to afford luxury products is despicably ignorant.

Mr Snob, I truly hope that for every angry Fred you gain a thousand fans for whom biking is a way of life, not a luxury. We're still rooting for you or somebody to peel our from the pack & call a class war what it is - but appreciate your eloquence just the same.

Angry dude really SHOULD give his book to a homeless guy - even if his charity is in mean spirits, its a start.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, well, you really pulled my cork the day you made fun of us zertz inserters.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

nothing better than to sup at a highly stylized teat

Fred said...

Am I considered a food stylist because I always neatly fold in the corners on the wax paper wrapping the PB and banana sandwich I take on most rides?

Can a Fred ever claim any title that has the word "stylist" in it?

livingjetlag said...

Hey, Frozendigits, you found the recipe in today's post "disgusting" (as I initially did) due to failure to use all the tips in the post - after inhaling the fragrant fumes of a Super Staunion (TM) pen, a goat cheese cadbomblette, with or without a side of lemonized whipped-cream-in-a-can, becomes heavenly. Use a spoon.

livingjetlag said...

Hey, Snobby, I need some clarification:
Does a Beautiful Godzilla actually have to be beautiful, or at least somewhat attractive? I saw a woman terrorizing people at a bus stop as she rode down the sidewalk on her cast-iron bicycle, wearing high-heeled shoes, designer purse in the handlebar basket, and of course helmetless, but somewhat attractiveness-impaired. Is she a BG?

Anonymous said...

These food stylists are too tough for me. Let's go back to making fun of fakerjacks with their elk skin shoes and coyote fur hats!

Anonymous said...

Maybe Lone Wolf is David Byrne's personal food stylist? I wish I could afford someone to gloss up my dinner each time it come out of the microwave & on to my TV dinner tray.

Sam said...

Crass commentary = priceless.

Anonymous said...

Why didn't the guy from Atlanta walk to work if the bike ride is only five minutes?

crosspalms said...

Maybe he didn't like the feel of bamboo shoes.

Anonymous said...

Dude on the Yamaguchi's form is horrible. Something is really wrong about how he sits on that bike.

pmg said...

Mad skills Snob. Don't worry, we know you're just joking around, even if those you joke about really deserve the drubbing they got on the blog.

Anonymous said...

SUP@ TEAT

Anonymous said...

Man, food styler really took it in a bad way. Food sytling must be some serious business. I: Live in Portland, ride a fixed gear, have full sleeves. In addition, my bike & I are set to be joined in marrige this coming spring. I feel honored to get slammed on this blog.

GN minion said...

@grammar Nazi
"Then realized that I needed those free stickers in the back for waxing my taint"

I don't like that in there... how about "Then realized I needed...."

:).

Atom bomb? said...

Don't feel depressed Snobby,
You know as well as I that the only valid and workable approach to humour left to us in this post-postmodern clusterfuck is to sarcastically rip the piss out of people that are dangerously similar to yourself. Not that I'm calling you a food stylist. Rest safe in the knowledge that to some, this approach will be forever inpenetrable and may threaten the very foundations of their way of life (or 'lifeway').
P.S. Food photography makes me gip up my muesli.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Believe it or not, I used to ride Critical Mass with Donalrey all the time before he moved to the Big Apple. It truly is a small, small world.

Bus Rental said...

It's a really very nice post. I love bike riding and you share some great informaion.
Thanks.

Mr. McKnuckles said...

shaved women, collaborators!

Frank Eeckman said...

Bike mitzvah!

Anonymous said...

After I fasten my helmet, how should I secure it? I want to be safe on my five minute ride.

ant1 said...

anon 2:16 - who would read an article about a dude who walks?

I am not the lone woof engine said...

"all of my jibes are exactly what they seem like--that is, cheap, lame, and hacky jokes that don't really mean anything"

The problem, is that they are right on. For a food stylist to get indignant about your comments seems somewhat nonsensical.

No doubt there are worse ways to make a living, but the eality is he is not really making the world a better place.

Hey lone wolf:
‘Have you found joy in your life?’ 'Has your life brought joy to others?’”

The "lone wolf" has a family?

Anonymous said...

never thought i would see crass getting shit on your blog - you have made my day brighter!

Anonymous said...

The food stylists and custom bike owners doth protest too much, methinks.

Eric Lowe said...

I still don't know WTF a Food Stylist does. Are they in charge of garnish?

SLAM said...

Bike Snob's job is too easy.
New-York is an endless source of insecurity and superciality.

I guess it will all be over the day people start to appreciate the coffee, not the cup.

Ring that bell, paperboy!

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for the food stylist since it only hurts that bad when it hits close to home. If he didn't KNOW that he was a db he would not have been offended.

Shaun said...

What the fuck is a "food stylist"? Seriously.

bikesgonewild said...

..."little bikesnobulette...stop playing with the food on your plate & just eat your dinner"...

..."but daddy bsnyc/rtms...i'm not PLAYING, i'm practicing to be a food stylist when i grow up !!!"...

Bobbyd215 said...

Dear Snobbie,

I first came across your blog because i was doing some online searching on my "scattante" bike that i had recently purchased and I wanted to know how big of a piece of shit I bought. Google brought me to you, in which i found that you have a "scattante" too. So this is one case where you actually gained a reader because you ride on a piece of scat.

P.S on a side note, i was very upset to find out that i had to pay extra to get into your BRA at the philly bike expo. I was hoping to get some stickers or something to help ease the pain in my taint. Unfrotuantely all i got was stickers of some redheaded nord.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:56pm,

Well, there was that King Kog Crass t-shirt awhile back...

--BSNYC

PawnShop said...

"Lone Wolf" may be a food stylist, but he's certainly not a Lone Wolf, because as Chapter 3 plainly spells out, "All cyclists like the Lone Wolf" - and that dude was an unreconstituted douchebag. He's also a mean spirited anti-patriot who's perfectly willing to exacerbate the whole 'Americans Suck At Geography' problem by foisting RTMS' book upon some unsuspecting homeless person, thereby filling their heads with its navigational lies. Yeah, I said it.

Chapter 1, you may recall, recreates an epic p-far "run" from the nineteenth century. The segment from Flushing to the "splendid macadam" of Jamaica took our humble storyteller down Main Street & Queens Boulevard. The Big Lie is found in the fact that what is now called Main Street didn't even exist at the time of the original ride. Nay, the road from Flushing to Jamaica followed Kissena Blvd, Aguilar Ave, and Parsons Blvd.

I will allow for the possibility that the fraud was not malicious, but merely a literary device that allowed Snobby to use the term "Boulevard of Death" in his narrative. In an ironic twist, the actual road passed by several dairy farms, meaning the ride - properly re-created - would indeed have coursed down an "Avenue of Cheese".

Anonymous said...

Snob- I think with a little Photoshop magic the smug "bamboo bicycle dude" is a shoo in for the recently re-located 57 things dude ..!? Could it be???

CommieCanuck said...

What the fuck is a "food stylist"? Seriously.

These are the guys who make sandwiches look better in ads by pushing all the meat to the front, making the meat look bigger. They also carefully craft in bottle sweat on beer bottles in ads, making you thirst for Pabst Blue ribbon and crave the freshness in your throat. Thus, the analogy to fluffers by one of the anonymii is appropriate.

When I was a kid, they used to hire students to count cars in traffic, now, surprisingly, they use machines.

CommieCanuck said...

Most Food Stylists have been outsourced recently, like most jobs. Hell, even Snob is now a 15 year old college grad in Mumbai.

Moving jobs to other countries: let's see just how long both political parties can ignore this.

Samuel said...

Hilarious post, doubly hilarious comments thread...

Personally I don't know if I would even bother using a bicycle just for a five-minute trip to the office (let alone a bamboo creation lashed together with strips of pure smugness). I'd just hoof it to work and ride a decent distance on the weekends for fun.

Five minutes' riding is barely worth it - unless your real goal is just to be seen rolling up unruffled on a bamboo bicycle for your coworkers' admiration.

Thanks again for a great blog Snob. Down here in New Zealand it's been a very depressing time for people who ride bicycles - we had five cyclists killed in five days the other week. The usual cyclist road toll in NZ is ten a year. Everyone's a bit on edge. So it's nice to have something to chuckle at.

ant1 said...

food stylists are the reason you're disappointed with the food you just ordered.

Whiny Liberal Pussy said...

I was going to whine about Bristol Palin on DWTS but your food stylist outwhined anything eve I could come up with.

Shaun said...

@CommieCanuck:

So essentially a "food stylist" is to food, as a plastic surgeon is to Tori Spelling? In that case, I have to say BSNYC failed in his attempt with the lemon. While the magic that he worked with the Super Staunion and Ready Whip was truly inspirational; in no way did it increase my desire for the lemon.

Anonymous said...

I hate food stylists. They're the worst.

Anonymous said...

i hang a couple water balloons off my long chin straps and ride around pretending I am getting tea bagged

Anonymous said...

I used to travel 13 miles each way on a 5 year old.
Small world, I guess I am not the only one.

Martin W said...

Don't worry Snob, it's true what they say.

Anonymous Coward said...

I loved it when they showed the cog on that Yamaguchi

a man said...

Portland already kinda put a bike lane in a bike lane, with the fastlane/slow lane on the approach to one of their bridges.


I forgot which bridge on purpose.

db said...

Food photography 101.

It's worse than you think... I guess working with a lot of chemicals would make someone overly sensitive.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

I am a dentist. I live in Prospect Heights (bigger house for less than accross Flatbush where the Slope is), dont own a Serrotta, but ride the park everyday on a Nishiki with simple shimano parts that i have owned for years.
Anyways, I am not complaining like a baby about all of your dentist references, because they are mostly true!
also, if a dentist doesnt own an expensive bicycle, they own an expensive Harley...btw

Anonymous said...

mock everyone it is better for the world! I will keep reading....

Anonymous said...

I have a question for the guy with the orange Yamaguchi: Why are you such a horrible twat?

Chester Eleganté said...

Nice sbemail reference there Bike Snobbé.

Anonymous said...

@CommieCanuck:

"food stylist"?...these are the guys who make sandwiches look better in ads by pushing all the meat to the front, making the meat look bigger."

I like to push my meat to the front too. Yeah, I'm also a food stylist.

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1 nailed it..."food stylists are the reason you're disappointed with the food you just ordered."...

...db's link just confirmed the life of lies, deceit, chicanery, trickery & general all round subterfuge & duplicity led by the average 'food stylist'...

...other than that, they can generally be considered 'top notch' folks...well, perhaps aside from their slow creeping paranoia due to a life of constant deception...

Tristan said...

Judging by that food stylist's response, they are all completely insufferable.

MINA MLST

Anonymous said...

re: Atlanta resident declares this his "best decision ever:"

if you read the CNN article you soon realize that his new "green lifestyle" is due to being dumped by his wife. Sad.

Lanterne Rouge said...

"but it really says something to me that you've never
owned a custom bike"

Ouch! I guess I'm not a bike lover because I ride a 2002 Lemond and a Diamondback beater mountain bike; and I get just as much pleasure from one as from the other.

Do you have to have a custom bike to enjoy the sport? If so, I am delusional and love my fantasy world.

Lovely Bicycle! said...

"I also find it odd that after years of flogging the "dentists and Serottas" joke I have yet to incur the wrath of a single DDS"

Be careful not to develop a false sense of security with that one. One day when you least expect it, you may find yourself in the chair of a friendly neighbourhood dentist - just some routine work, or so you will think. And then, just as he is about to begin, a deranged grin will appear on his face: "So you think my Serotta is funny, do you?" You will then hear the sound of an enormous drill, before everything turns to black...

bikesgonewild said...

...lanterne rouge...if you're perfectly satisfied with your present bikes but yet you'd like to feel a bit 'special', you might consider having your 'pants yabbies' waxed...

...why, the attention alone will make you feel like a new man & i think i read that bsnyc/rtms gets this done regularly...

...just suggestin'...

Anonymous said...

FOOD FLFR

I am not a disfigured lemon engine said...

"Styled food is usually marked as inedible and discarded after the shoot, because it may have been handled or treated in ways that make it unsafe for consumption."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Food_photography

Now after you played with your food, you better throw out that lemon because it is "unsafe for consumption".

Bad unsafe snobby.

Steve Barner said...

I had a custom frame built for me by an internationally respected builder almost 30 years ago. True, it's one of the best fitting bikes I've ever owned, but that's really just because it's the right size. Other than that, it's basic Italian road frame geometry of the era. Most people don't need and won't benefit from a custom frame, and for many people, a custom frame is really just the ability to select the color and graphics, as they don't understand frame geometry enough to know what's really custom and what isn't.

Fact is, if you have true custom frames built for you by three different experienced frame builders, you will have three frames with different geometries. There's a lot of personal preference and subjectivity involved in selecting frame geometry, and precious little science. If owning a custom frame was truly the epitome of cycling equipment, there would be more agreement among framebuilders as to what that perfect frame of yours should be.

Most people are served very well by standard frame geometries, which can easily be customized with different sized components. Flouting the fact that you've got a custom frame is a little like bragging that you need corrective lenses, or that your legs would look right on a person 5 inches shorter.

What food stylists do said...

I saw this site long ago, and found it with a popular search engine just now. Photos of the actual food purchased at places who obviously use food stylists, compared to the advertisements. Very interesting!

http://www.thewvsr.com/adsvsreality.htm

Sorry to make you cut and paste. Html flummoxes me.

Fake Rivendell Owner said...

Now that Fendi is a fop chariot if ever I seen a picher of one.

Just sayin'.

PawnShop said...

If a person's legs would look right on somebody 5 inches shorter, they'd probably actually benefit from a custom-fitted frame.
"Custom: the choice of mutants"

Anonymous said...

My dentist rides some nice stock Specialized or something. He's also a Cat I and can ride circles around almost anyone.

bikesgonewild said...

...steve barner...the other side of that scenario is that oft times riders with experience start thinking they know more about what they want/need than the frame builder...

...they get excessively measured & calculate some obscure setup against the frame builders suggestions & ergo, end up with something they aren't happy with...

...looks beautiful, kinda just how they pictured it but doesn't ride how they assumed it would...

...only one person to blame...

Tex said...

I read somewhere that it's a good idea to get a custom frame from a builder who is about the same size as yourself. Makes sense. I'd be calling up Lynnerd Zynnerd if I was silly enough to think I *need* a custom frame.

If you have the cash and you want it, fine, but very few people actually need a custom frame. Even pro racers. Don't most of them ride stock sizes? The idea that only riders of custom bikes are "real" cyclists is just sad.

Anonymous said...

Really into BSNYC's knowledge and deprecation of PR bands. I smile every time, because it makes me feel exclusive. Which is the whole point of punk I think.

Jack said...

Crass!!!! Awesome. (I didn't watch the video.)

Anonymous said...

Fantastic: there are some think ing people out there, and this one really made me smile:
KFC If there's anything more disgusting than biting into a piece of "fried" chicken and having half a quart of hot water (or something) roll down your chin, I don't know what it is. KFC is fuckin' grotesque. Hard, deep-fried grease shells, "water," snapping veins, people sucking marrow out of shiny bones, great sheets of animal skin hanging from the corner of glistening mouths... it's like something out of a Dean Koontz novel. This is a place for people not fully evolved to exercise their basic animal instincts, and indulge in a bloody feeding frenzy. It gives me the creeps just thinking about it. Oh sure, I'm a proud carnivore and everything, but I'm not a fucking dingo! I just experienced a full-body shiver. Shit!

mander said...

Snob, just wanted to say that I think this one is up there with your very best posts.

Anonymous said...

Everyone knows the best stylized food is made of plastic anyway. Eat that shit and you would learn what Bonking really is! Give me a good MRE anytime.

Anonymous said...

Big A, little a, bouncing B, system's got you but...Oh, fuck it.

Anonymous said...

I've got a Trek Pilot, and a cheapish GF hardtail. Soon, with luck, I'll get my hands on an iPad, and my sort-of -middle-class-exurban life will be complete. And I hate PBR (though it might go well with a KFC bucket).

Barney Gumble said...

if you dont like the bike snob go back to Russia

costanza said...

astro turf, you know who invented that? the food stylists...

big italian guy said...

those cycleangelo bike check videos are so gay. someone needs to slap those goofballs.

Anonymous said...

This far into this glorious Monday and not one comment about about whipped cream, scantily clad women married to their bikes...
...just saying.

WIPC REAM

wp said...

whether or not your "personal geometry", purpose, and style or riding can be served by off-the-peg frames and componetryways, should not be the sole reason for contemplating the purchase of a bespoke bicycle.

MACR IBBS

FAKE CHEZ

PUSH MEAT

Anonymous said...

The real "Lone Wolf" has been mentioned many times in this blog, but I don't recall him crying like a bitch.

Tyler's Chimera said...

Contador is on the same Dr. Ferrari regimen that Lance was on. EPO, HGH, The Clear, Hemopure, recombinant Tyrannosarus Rex testosterone and helium anal suppositories the size of a softball.

Landis was on this for one day. The day he dropped the entire peloton as well as the camera motorbike and the video helicopter and finished so far ahead of the field that he was actually able to take a one and a half hour nap before attending to his podium lady french kissing duties.

leroy said...

I wonder if the Chip Shop in Park Slope would fry a Cadbury egg. They fry Twix bars. A fried Cadbury egg would be awesome.

On an unrelated topic, can anyone explain why one would curate a blog titled MrJoeStaples? I mean, there can't be that many people interested in hearing about Mr. Joe's adventures with office equipment.

M. Cipollini said...

Yes. It is true. I was the model for the 46cm (18 inch) styled pepperoni stick.

MC Escher said...

Nothing says Epic Artisanal Authenticity Curation like a bespoke Cat 6 tarck bike. Thass some ass-bad cred right there.

MyWorld said...

Wow! 158!! Me thinks that the dentists don't get it. My dentist swears that tennis is his game. I haven't found a bicycle in his office-yet.

Concerned 2.0 said...

This was a good post. Still not as good as "Ducks in a Row" or the Twitter for Tat.
I cant believe people complain about being called out on BSYNC? Are you serious??? I had to cheat to win on the "To Whom it May Concern" stage!
Oh and long live the Lobster and his Prophet Lone Wolf(the real one not this stylist dipshiz)

Anonymous said...

trying the Cadbury Creme Eggs and goat cheese omlet now!

Paul Bowen said...

Just done the Friday quiz (was riding the North Yorks moors on Friday) and got 7/8. Might have swept the board but I was distracted by the lady dressed as a prostitute, who I wouldn't let go hungry.

Anonymous said...

The crass shirt is a lame one too..it needs a bit of rotation on the logo to be positoned right.."trademark enhancement" or Crass hole

Anonymous said...

Damnit!! Lapped again! Maybe the judges will mistake me for first for the next field! If I only had a personal food stylist I'd have eaten my Wheates..

Anonymous said...

Dude in the bike check video also does some quality salmoning in the shot before he runs the red light.

Anonymous said...

I guess I have to out myself at this point. I also live in Atlanta and commute to work, but: (1) I live in a house not a loft; (2) My commute takes more than 5 min; and (3) my bike is not made by hand or of bamboo. Instead it's a Trek 7.3 FX with schwalbe tires, pie plate, fenders, reflectors in the spokes, planet bike LED lites all around, toy plane with spinning prop on the handlebars and tiny bell to spice up the cockie. May as well also say I wear a helmet, but that's bks of the crazy SUV's and trucks out there competing for my space on Peachtree St. What can I say to the haters except it feels great to be riding the baddest whip to be seen on the mean streets of the A-town.

ant1 said...

anon 10:20 - i've seen your plane. very nice touch.

CommieCanuck said...

Do you have to have a custom bike to enjoy the sport? If so, I am delusional and love my fantasy world.

Dick Cheney does not own a custom bike.

BTW, "custom" is no longer cool, these frames are now "bespoke", and custom wheels are now built with bespoke spokes.

Matty said...

57 hours a year in traffic delays qualifies as as bad? That sounds like a dream...

Stranded said...

Snobmeister Meistersnob,
To my knowledge, you've never made fun of English teachers on this blog, much less English teachers over 40 whose beards have definitely tipped the balance toward gray, yet who persist in keeping those beards securely attached to their faces to keep them warm while riding their upright bicycles, despite the fact that those self-same beards are long and gray enough to make recumbents that the aforementioned English teachers will not ride.
C'mon, man, we're feeling left out!

Brad said...

TREK IPAD

STAU NION

STYL ISTS

LONE WOLF

Elicia said...

Thanks, Snobbie! All I wanted for my birthday was to go to a BRA (last summer), but this is even better.

For the record, after marrying the Vanilla, we (me, it, and a fellow and his bike) bike toured around South America for several months and it performed like a champ. Then I came back to the states and married the fellow, though not his bike. Yes, the Vanilla was at the wedding.

Anonymous said...

Atlanta??? What's the choice here... become a slice of road pizza or target practice for some bored "gangsta"?

That guy must be some West Coast transplant.

troy said...

" Should I become a literary agent, supping at the teat of the creativity... " Apparently supping at this teat isn't as satisfying when your medium is styling food. BS..were you more satiated supping at the literary teat or the food stylist teat? Teat,Nipple..i love em all!

Anonymous said...

Well I'm a DDS and will just register my aloof disgust about your skanky generalizations regarding my colleagues and profession. Of course, I am an exception to your remarks, riding every bike that I can, when I can, which is not often enough.
Wish I could write as tartly about my world as you do but I doubt there'd be a lot of interest in rantIng on patients, colleagues, and other annoyances. Let alone teeth, fillings, arggh. Bores me just to think of it.

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Website Design Northern Virginia said...

hmmm nice The part I liked about the Fendi bike ad with the nearly illegible text is that the bike comes with a douchable fred carrier. My bike has one of those too! Rides and smells like a custom frame. i like it.

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Okmulgee Lawyer said...

I would even bother using a bicycle just for a five-minute trip to the office (let alone a bamboo creation lashed together with strips of pure smugness).

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