Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Mark Your Calendars: Thanks for the Givings

(Food styling on an "epic" scale.)

In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. (He might have saved himself some time by sailing the ocean green, but it hadn't been discovered yet.) Landing on a Caribbean island called Hispaniola, he then transferred to a ship called the Mayflower which was bound for Massachusetts, then one of only 48 states in the union. (Alaska and Hawaii would not become states until the early 1500s.) After de-boating at Plymouth Rock and undergoing a full body scan (complete with invasive cavity search), he was greeted by the indigenous peoples of the land, who feted Columbus and his crew with turkey (except for the one wan, smug, vegan member of the crew with sleeve tattoos and grommets in his ears who insisted on having tofu turkey, because, you know, there's always one), and thus the holiday of Thanksgiving was born. Just as they were finishing up, however, the English army attacked. Changing his name to George Washington, Columbus soundly defeated the British, became the first President of the United States, and promptly repaid the turkey-proffering indigenous peoples who had supported him by subjugating them, stealing their land, and infecting them with smallpox, for which they were of course incredibly grateful.

Today, the Thanksgiving holiday lives on, except instead of turkey we now eat "turducken," which is a turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken--or, if you're "economically challenged," a more affordable "turdog," which is simply a turkey stuffed with a dog:

This is especially affordable if you're already got a pet dog, though the cost is heavy when measured in your children's tears.

Of course, in the "bike culture," there's no surer sign of Thankgiving than "Cranksgiving," which refers to the various Thanksgiving-themed "alleycat" races held in various cities throughout the country. Generally speaking, the way these seem to work is that a bunch of Nü-Freds show up on their IROs and then embark on a scavenger hunt which involves running lights and buzzing pedestrians while they fill their Chrome bags with canned foods which they then give to the needy, after which they meet someplace for an after-party during which these "humanitarian scofflaws" get drunk, congratulate themselves for their "epic" act of charity, and compare notes on their SPD-compatible sneakers.

Now, I'm all in favor of charity--especially when it's performed by other people while I stay home and watch TV--but I can't really "get down" with the whole "Cranksgiving" thing. First of all, to me the name "Cranksgiving" implies that it's a time to be cranky, and I would have gone with the more festive-sounding "Alleyturkey," or even "Alleyturcat." (A "turcat" is like a "turdog" only with a cat, and believe me, it's just as traumatic to your children. As a child myself I used to cry and cry over my "turcat," and the sorrow continued well after Thankgiving was over. Oh how I used to sob when I'd open my leftover "turcat" sandwich in the school cafeteria...) Secondly, while riding a bicycle in the city is very often a better alternative to driving, when your goal is to collect as much food as possible to feed the hungry it seems to me that "Cranksgiving" might be the one occasion during which the "bike culture" might just suck it up, pool their money, and rent a U-Haul. I'd have to imagine that even two mildly motivated "hipsters" with a simple rental truck could easily collect at least four times as much food as an entire "Cranksgiving" alleycat--and that's including the single stick of turkey jerky collected by the guy with the "micro messenger bag" bike purse.

At the very least, they could make all these "Cranksgivings" into cargo bike hauling competitions, and the legions of the smug could show up with their Xtracycles and Big Dummys and "bake feets" or whatever those Dutch things are and show off their massive "portaging" capabilities. A Nü-Fred on an IRO with a Chrome "hipster cape" might be able to carry a few cans, but a decent cargo bike can carry at least two Nü-Freds and their IROs and their "hipster capes" full of cans. In fact, a single all-bake feets "Alleyturkey" could probably portage two or three "Cranksgiving" alleycats, which would make it the "bike culture" charity ride equivalent of a turducken.

Speaking of bake feets, these are supposedly becoming very popular among smug and wealthy New Yorkers who have the money to pay for them and the space in which to store them, and who use them to "portage" their children with last names for first names to expensive private schools. In fact, I passed one just recently, and due to my mechanical ineptitude I accidentally recorded a video of it while trying to take a still photograph:



They were moving at quite a clip, too, and the blast of smugness darn near blew the vegan casserole off my head.

Speaking of PSAs (as I was yesterday), a reader recently sent me what may very well be the worst PSA I have ever seen:



I'm a staunch advocate of responsible light usage, but if I were these people I'd extinguish all of my lights and try to slink away in shame under cover of darkness.

Of course, the opposite of the independently-produced PSA is the slick viral marketing video starring a professional athlete, like this one featuring Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish:



"To me," says Cavendish, "Victory is about beating other people." Now, I happen to be a big Mark Cavendish fan--precisely because, unlike most cycling fans, I like riders who win bike races. However, I'm pretty sure "beating other people" is the very definition of victory, and as such it's hardly worth mentioning. It's like saying, "To me, going pee-pee is about voiding your bladder of urine." Then, to further underscore his relentless desire to win, Cavendish says, "Emotions are kind of a waste of energy." Except for that one time, of course:

He's crying like he just ate the family "turdog."

In any event, yet another sure sign of Thanksgiving is when everybody starts "dropping" their 2011 calendars, and I've been informed that the so-called "Bike Saviours" have once again produced a calendarway full of sexual ambiguity and unruly pubic thatches:

This makes a great holiday gift for the cyclist in your life who is not particular about who's touching who just as long as genitals are involved.

Or, if you're less open-minded and you only want to see fixed-gear bikes and female genitalways, you can opt for TheFixFixFix's fixie-themed sex calendar:

Remember, this is a fixed-gear calendar, so don't attempt to coast while "foffing off" or you may go over the bars.

But "urban cyclists" and the "bike culture" are not the only bicycle enthusiasts willing to pose in a suggestive and/or degrading manner. It turns out triathletes aren't exactly shy either, as evidenced by the Triathlete.com November Model Search, which was forwarded to me by a reader. Some of my favorites include this "ripped" woman hoisting her Trek over her haircut:

This woman doing something unspeakably filthy to a Cervelo:

And this woman holding a pair of fish for no discernible reason:

Maybe the fish got stuck on her fingers during the swimming leg of a triathlon, or maybe triathlons are going from "swim, bike, run" to "swim, fish, run." Frankly, given the bike-handling skills of some triathletes, this may not be a bad idea. Or, if they insist on sticking with cycling, maybe they should change it from traditional, mobile cycling to stationary, smoothie-making cycling:


Smoothie Making Bike! Fender Blender Pro! - $750 (Midtown)
Date: 2010-11-22, 3:35PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

A bike that MAKES SMOOTHIES!
Great for festivals, shows, parties, fundraisers and all types of events!
Makes blending more fun and gets everyone's attention!
Adjustable seat height and comfortable grip handle bars.
Condition: Brand new, out of the box.
Color: Blue.


Maybe next year someone will "curate" the world's first stationary "Cranksgiving."

111 comments:

Anonymous said...

v. funny as usual...

committed365.blogspot.com

Fred said...

Fastest Fred!

joachim said...

podium!

Anonymous said...

Top 10!!!

ringcycles said...

its about beating people and girls in bikini's!

Anonymous said...

bang

Wastrel said...

Toppers!

Djdp said...

Yea baby!!!

CommieCanuck said...

Wheesh.

Anonymous said...

YALL DONT KNOW ME SO STOP TALKING SHIT ABOUT ME!!

Anonymous said...

The food styling worked!! No more EPO..

Anonymous said...

Time for lunch... Whop-Whop.

Jerk said...

listen up bub-
you say some funny shit from time to time
but it really says something to me that you've never
owned a custom smoothie making bike. people like you who make this
online image of yourself as an oracle of style
and substance better have the fucking chops to
back it up with some crushed fruit. some fat 40 + year old bike virgin with
a Trek , buying store-made smoothies and an iPad to post online doesn't have the right to
call himself a snob. sorry man your shark has jumped. go write a feel good book about not drinking fresh smoothies. oh wait, you already did.

rainer said...

Top 20 boyahh!

CommieCanuck said...

There is actually a recipe out there, down south, for a delicacy that involves shoving a duck up the ass of a chicken, and then shoving that chicken up the ass of a turkey. The Turducken.

Of course, in Canada, we have thanksgiving last month and we eat beaver.

Anonymous said...

Isn't that smoothie making bike is orange not blue? Or do I have something wrong with my eyes.

CommieCanuck said...

True story, after the Happy Days "Shark Jump" episode, ratings stayed high for 5 years.

I prefer, "Your Mission is Accomplished".

grog said...

cat 1 food stylist

FOUR FORE said...

"...at least for times as much food..."

PawnShop said...

Good luck with that ( finding two mildly motivated hipsters, that is ).

Anonymous said...

"Jerkey"

Turkey Lurky

ringcycles said...

CC; its actually a chicken sodomizing a duck, and the duck then sodomizing the turkey. With a liberal dose of sausage stuffing to round things out.

Oh, and Miss Muff will be right over for, um, left-overs.

Icepicks into my ears said...

Let's get Luminal?

"A trade name for the anti-epileptic drug phenobarbital"

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Snotsicles!

The commute was -30c this morning. I do not think Fahrenheit goes that low.

Anonymous said...

The only proper accompaniment to a turducken (or turdog/turcat/turgoat) dinner is the cherpumple pie.
http://www.bonappetit.com/blogsandforums/blogs/consciouscook/2009/12/the-cherpumple-the-worlds-most.html

"Briefly, you bake a frozen apple pie inside a layer of spice cake from a box; a pumpkin pie in a layer of golden cake; and a cherry pie in a layer of white cake. Slather with as much Duncan Hines cream cheese frosting as you like"

Anonymous said...

My local 'Cranksgiving' had two categories:

* Speed: Buy-in: $5 for Food Gatherers. Race to at least three different stores, buy at least one item off the Food Gatherers wish list. Fastest one back wins!

* Bulk: No buy-in. You have two hours to make as many trips as you want to at least five different stores, buying items off the Food Gatherers wish list. Highest poundage wins!

Apparently the best way to go about the poundage category is to use a trailer and a tandem...

crosspalms said...

CCC
My Fahrenheit can't decide whether to get on the bike or have another cup of cocoa when it's that low. You Calgarians are tough

Anonymous said...

The beauty of those dutch bake feets is that the kids will be the first to arrive at the collision with the bus. Plus they come equipped with their own coffins.

COFN BIEK

Buffalo Bill said...

Sorry crosspalms, it is cold here, but Calgarians are anything but tough. We'll be getting a chinook in a couple of days and be back to (sort of) normal temps, while Edmonton continues in the deep freeze till at least March.

Those folks are tough. Why anyone would want to live there is a mystery.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Steven Falkowski said...

Orange is the new blue.

Paul Bowen said...

so don't attempt to coast while "foffing off" or you may go over the bars
This was my "Monitor wipes to booth 127" moment today.

Talking of foffing off and monitor wipes, those gals at top right of the bike saviours calendar look like my kinda sizeway, can I have a calendar of just them please?

What do the blendervendors understand by the term 'blue' I wonder?

samh said...

Looks like someone's trying to give the ol' Ironic Orange Julius Bike a run for it's money, Snob.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

I use Crank Bro's egg beaters on all my bieks.

Paul Bowen said...

Oof! Ms January in the fixed calendar is off the bonerometer.

CommieCanuck said...

Briefly, you bake a frozen apple pie inside a layer of spice cake from a box; a pumpkin pie in a layer of golden cake; and a cherry pie in a layer of white cake. Slather with as much Duncan Hines cream cheese frosting as you like.

Oh no, now I wish we hadn't dissed the food stylist guy yesterday.

RANTWICK said...

Wow. That PSA just went on and on. I watched right to the end, and sure enough people put their names on it. Credits, I think those are called. My god.

CommieCanuck said...


Those folks are tough. Why anyone would want to live there is a mystery.


Apparently, it has something to do with retail chain outlets and shopping malls. Edmonton has 1.5 million people. 0.5 million of them own an Orange Julius stand in Edmonton somewhere. They just aren't comfortable in that city doing anything unless they know there are at least another 25 places identical to the one they are in.

oh, and it gets dark at 3:30pm, WTF. My other theory is vampires.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if you can still get Cat downtown like you could back in the 90s.

I think the woman with the fish is trying to tell you that there are more things that smell like fish than just fish

Tyler's Chimera said...

Snob's book does NOT come with Crayons. You are required to buy them seperately. I bought the BIG BOX with the built in sharpener.

Check out this list.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Crayola_crayon_colors


Interestingly Color number eight is Beaver.

Anonymous said...

Time for me to go curate a dump. It's been on deck all day

Anonymous said...

Paul Bowen said...
Oof! Ms January in the fixed calendar is off the bonerometer.


Then i trust you followed the links back to the page with pictures of her posing al'naturale.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

g-roc said...

"the blast of smugness darn near blew the vegan casserole off my head." Ooh, the irony is making my head spin. Love it.

I've seen that Vancouver abomination of a PSA before. Why does it seem 10x worse when viewed from your site?

Anonymous said...

He's crying like he just ate the family "turdog."

HAR HAR HAR!

Thnx Snob

ringcycles said...

Rantwick: chapeau to your endurance. I only lasted 45 seconds before I hit pause.

vinny stigma said...

Bike Snob,

none of this "this just in i am going on vacation" bullshit. i have to see my family for the holidays and need something to look forward to reading.

Moby Douche said...

What's enormous, lives in the ocean, and helps liberal pussies feel fresh and clean for hours?

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Need I even speak?

bikesgonewild said...

...that politically correct version of thanksgiving history is very 'sarah palin-esque' but where was the part about making the dinosaurs leave so we could build freeways ???...

...i'm wondering if bsnyc/rtms has finally gone over to 'the dark side' & joined a "tea-bagging party"...

...maybe he can see 'o canadia' from his apartment...

MyWorld said...

That's quite a severe look on the "fixie gal" with the horrible bikini.

CommieCanuck said...

Check out this list.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Crayola_crayon_colors


WTF:

Vivid Tangerine
Wisteria
Tickle Me Pink
Shocking Pink
Razzle Dazzle Rose
Outrageous Orange
Mauvelous
Cerise
Bittersweet
Asparagus
Banana Mania
Antique Brass

Crayola Corp. is trying to turn my kids gay.
Ever since they got rid of Indian Red and Taliban brown, it's all just been PC crap.

Turpster said...

EPIC POST

Food Stylist said...

We stylists, always on the avant garde, when it comes to food, prefer
TurTurtlein

with just the proper amount of gravy, of course.

ervgopwr said...

Purple Nurple

and BGW, I thought Jesus rode the dinosaurs into the horizon so the highway's could lead us to the dangerzone.

What's up with the North Korea? Kim Bong Ill needs to biek reef.

streepo said...

As someone a generation or two ahead of you I don't quite get the expression "All You Haters Suck My Balls". Having my balls sucked is indeed a pleasurable experience that I would only want to share with someone who wanted to do this. The last person I'd ask is a "hater" as this person would likely do a poor and uninspired job of it.

..just sayin..
If you don't agree well all you haters can suck my balls

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

listen up bub-
you say some funny shit...well once you did in 2007...
but it really says something to me that you've never
owned a custom Bakfiet. people like you who make this
online image of yourself as an oracle of style
and substance better have the fucking chops to
back it up with some serious portage. some REALLY fat 36 + year old near-virgin with only one kid to carry,
BORROWING and NOT RETURNING a Big Dummy, and an TRS-80 to post online, doesn't have the right to
call himself a snob. sorry man your turkey has a chicken and a duck in it. go write a feel good book about walking down the street for five minutes while carrying your ONE kid in a sling...oh wait...what the fuck was I ranting about again?

Anonymous said...

As I was reading the latest issue of Velonews I was reminded of something extremely important.


Kara Goucher is HOTT!

dutch courage said...

I own a costume Bakfiet. It's like Halloween all year round when I ride. Banana Mania doesn't begin to describe it. Kids helmets? Check. My helmet? Don't make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Hey, what's with the Edmonton hate? Not too many winning bike racers from Cowtown, Edmonton is the hub of cycling in Alberta. Cowtown doesn't even have a velodrome. Cowpokes are more into douchebaggery and hotdog eating.

10-speed crank said...

That's it! You've made fun of my Chrome Bag for the last time. I'm gonna put it into the next homeless guys cup I see.

Anonymous said...

DOGZ TURD

bikesgonewild said...

...ervgopwr...i believe you may have the facts straight 'cuz, well, i get easily confused...

...i have a really, really big box of crayons but i have to go to the office & ask permission to use the sharpener...you know what they always say, "only with supervision, bgw"...

...i'm making colorful cards for everyone depicting the first 'thanksgiving day' between the new england patriots, the washington redskins & the chicago blackhawks...

...there were claims of "tainted meat" the next day from some whiner in the spanish armada & that's why it's called 'black friday'...

thegock said...

HAPY TRKY

Anonymous said...

The PSA wasn't too bad, the singer had a nice Dee Dee from Hunter vibe...there was a lot of blinky lite bukkake going on tho'

CommieCanuck said...

What's up with the North Korea? Kim Bong Ill needs to biek reef.

Kim Dong needs a custom frame or a new saddle.

Another Canuck said...

Yeah, that awful PSA is from Vancouver, from awhile back, forgot how awful. Did remind me to renew my membership in Vancouver Area Cycling Coalition, for no other reason than I want to have that feeling of belonging

Anonymous said...

vancity digs deep embarrasses itself yet again.

bikesgonewild said...

...re: the "let's get visible" psa...i made it to 1:57 but only by digging my fingernails into my palms...

...stuff like that is why we have to thank al gore for inventing the great internet on-line web-porn computer device thingy...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Ah...bikesgonewild.....how do you reconcile being a liberal and cycling. After all, cycling means you have to move the machine on your OWN power, not someone elses.

crosspalms said...

anon 3:32, I think there's a liberal-looking girl in Vancouver who wants to take you to an intersection full of cars

Tex said...

Somebody's been getting his jokes from talk radio. Yeesh. Grow a brain.

Anonymous Coward said...

"the cost is heavy when measured in your children's tears"

A new standard of measure. First is was the weight of your bike in milk. Now it is the cost in your children's tears. Chapeau.

Oh, and Anon 2:18, what was Kara doing in Velonews?

Fred said...

Too winded from the sprint to comment until now...

Apparently, the inventor of tofurkey got his start in Portland and used to live in a tree-house.

On behalf of my region, let me say I'm very sorry.

Hannibal Lecter said...

I have a 50 gallon nuclear power blender/smoothie machine. Throw in a couple of Hipster Fixie types, one self righteous extremtly smug and self satisfied self serving food stylist, thirteen bushels of fava beans, twenty gallons of chiante, and I'm golden.

On the sports front I hear Toronto is in line to get an NHL franchise.

Nystatin Douche said...

I can see Candida from my house!

AnchBiker said...

CCC, I'm curious, is being unfamiliar with the Farenheit scale somehow synonymous with being tough? Does that mean all of us US winter cyclists are a bunch of "woosies", from my fellow frozen idiot Alaskans to all of those numb-toed numbskulls in Michigan and Minnesota and Maine?

-40F is the coldest that I've cycled in, which is also -40C! And let me tell you that the magical spot on the thermometer where Farenheit and Celsius meet is not nearly so magical on the bike. But the toughest cyclists that I know are from Fairbanks, where it will repeatedly hit -50F throughout the winter (that's about -45C, for the conversionally-challenged among you).

bikesgonewild said...

...dammit, hannibal lector...obviously you left a lb. of salt out of your nuclear powered blender mix to rub into the wounds of this old toronto boy...

...i left in '67 & they haven't won a 'cup' since...ouch...

...**********************************...

...the secret, anon 3:32pm is to only ride a tandem & soft pedal...

James said...

Oh my god (Shiva), I wish I had one of these smoothie-making bikes while I was in Nepal.

I would have opened a battery-powered disco and hired a rickshaw as my bartender.

No power? No problem.

That machine would've paid for itself in a month if I set it up next to the IOM headquarters in Damak.

Those party-crazed, dollar/euro-rich int'l staff wouldn't have known what hit them.

"When the power goes out in the village, the party has just started..."

skool sux said...

Where did you study history, Beck University?

anon 3:32 - please suck my balls with your OWN power.

Mikeybicycle said...

I remember many a Thanksgiving night ending in tears and shame after the Turdog was carved and we watched football. No leftovers for scruffy. No scruffy.

let's get risible said...

Fahrenheit and Celsius walk into a bar. Bartender says "cold enough for you?"

ADHD said...

I actually got bored halfway through the Rolling Smugness video.

O. Julius said...

Orange you glad I brought my smoothie bike?

let's get risible said...

Fahrenheit says "say, what kind of bar is this anyway?" Bartender says "Nitto."

Froze toes said...

O. Julius, so glad! It blue me away.

I am a Cerise engine said...

As Billy Crystal would have said: You look "Mauvelous".

Lanterne Rouge said...

"No leftovers for scruffy. No scruffy."

Haha. Nice!

justaprole said...

I prefer the triathlon video with the Benny Hill "yakety sax" soundtrack and flatulence sound effects.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9YutT1x6FQ&feature=related

That's humor.

double douche said...

i had to watch the "risible" video twice to be sure i hadn't missed anything before passing judgement as the largest killer of time i have ever seen, of course that is just behind the 40mph cavandish recombent rocket video from the other day...damnit!

drew said...

not as cool as thefixfixfix but close...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4SUTtHe1fs&feature=player_embedded

cwg said...

wow that NYT cargo bike video...if I could have a MILF like that cart me around, believe me, I'd dump my Bianchi in the nearest dumpster.

D. Hawerchuk said...

I spend more time reading the comments than the actual blog each day. And that's saying something. Cuz I read s l o w l y
and obviously I post slowly or I wouldn't be screaming about
TOP 100 BITCHES!!!!

Most all of you a friggin brilliant. BTW. But not as brilliant as the BSNYC

Anonymous said...

any feelings on this:
http://www.yesmagazine.org/planet/an-interstate-bicycle-system

"Guppy" Honaker said...

Hey Bike Snob - don't know if I'll be visiting again before Thanksgiving. If not, have a good one! And I have to say, that dog dressed as a turkey - very funny pic.

- David

Top 10 Aloe Vera Juice Benefits
Holistic Nutrition and Health

H. Lecter said...

"...dammit, hannibal lector...obviously you left a lb. of salt out of your nuclear powered blender mix to rub into the wounds"

Actually food stylists are, as a whole, extremely and naturally salty do to their constant contact with raw meat and from pounding same. As a result of this natural saltiness no sane normal hetrosexual woman would ever hook-up with a known Comestible Manipulator. Same goes for most transvestites.

Cross dressers! Another story entirely!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wait for it...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Here it comes...

wishiwasmerckx said...

...and...100th...

gregg said...

holding fish, wearing waders

McDouche said...

Crap....last again ? I def need a food stylist to dress up my Wheates ....

PINK LBSTR said...

Mmmm... turhuahua.

PINK LBSTR (I knew that freakish extra pinky would finally pay off)

leroy said...

Someone obviously said they love their Cervelo and was asked by PeeWee Herman "then why don'y you marry it."

Paul Bowen said...

Anon @1.31: no I didn't but thank you thank you for the tip!

let's get risible said...

Celsius: If you put some tape on that bar it'll feel warmer.
Bartender: Thanks. I'd buy you guys a drink but it's 9 in the morning. Come back when the kitchen's open and try the veal. You here all week?

jno62 said...

I love a good laugh in the morning.

Thank you Snob.

Best to the Family

Wickham said...

Man, that picture of the Scott reminded me of driving into a parking ramp with my bike on top of my Rover. Sad sad day. Also Cavendish wins sprints and cries, that is impressive!

Anonymous said...

I have been holding off, but this time I am robbing you when you are away.

Anonymous said...

Hey I passed that lady with the kids in the bike trailer the other day.

She had a nice butt.

Anonymous said...

Bakfiets is from two words, 'fiets' just means 'bike' and 'bak' refers to the wooden box.
They are a real plague here in Amsterdam, cause nobody has a car here. I heard they are much more expensive in the US then here.

This is a very popular Dutch bakfiets-maker, they seem to have a shop in Chicago:
http://www.defietsfabriek.nl/

Here's a pic of a classic model:

http://www.workcycles.com/workcycles-bakfietsen-images/nijland/grote-bakfiets/grote-klassieke-bakfiets-420.jpg

Fixie Bikes said...

Look at all that goya seasoning.