Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Droppin' the "H": Hooking, Hucking, and Hucksters

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned flesh hooks in cyclocross (I've dictated a lot of weird phrases to my helper monkey and typist Vito in my time, and "flesh hooks in cyclocross" may be among the strangest), a commenter by the name of "Bunny" made the following observation:

Bunny said...

Maybe worth mentioning that it was a Halloween race. Everyone was in costume.


Is it really worth mentioning though? I'm not so sure. It would seem to me that there's a tremendous difference between putting on some make-up or a fright wig or dressing up as Angela from "Who's the Boss?" and actually putting hooks through your flesh. Don't get me wrong--this is America (Canada's sanitary napkin), and if someone wants to pierce themselves like George Costanza baiting a hook with marble rye than by Lob he or she should be able to do so. Still, I would argue that such behavior falls outside the purview of a simple Halloween costume in that I hardly this is something somebody would do for the first time on a whim in the spirit of the season. Nobody says, "Hmmm, I think I'll be a fakir for Halloween and tow my friend around at a cyclocross race," raids his roommate's tackle box, and puts a bunch of fish hooks through his skin. Clearly this is an experienced flesh hooker, and the fact that it happened on Halloween doesn't make it a costume, just as pleasuring yourself during a Jewish holiday doesn't make "foffing off" a mitzvah.

Then again, I admit I don't have the most objective view of Halloween, since I suffer from holiday depression. For some people, holiday depression strikes during Christmas, or New Year's Eve, or even Hanukkah (referred to among holiday depression sufferers as the "Eight Days of Misery"). However, I have no problem whatsoever with these holidays, and in fact during that time I'm generally at my most ebullient--you're likely to find me standing knee-deep in Egg Nogg wearing nothing but a Christmas Sweater while singing Kwanzaa carols and lighting a Menorah in the manner of Gene Simmons. I've even been known to hang some holiday-themed art:

In case you don't get the reference, it has something to do with this.

Halloween, on the other hand, fills me with sadness. I'm not talking about children's Halloween, which is a fun time for make-believe, imagination, and a little bit of sanctioned mischief. I'm talking about adult Halloween, which is a creepy day of over-sharing during which people outwardly manifest their sublimated desires and dashed hopes in costume form, as articulated (albeit nasally and shrilly) in that Dead Kennedys song. When I see a young child joyously trick-or-treating and delighting in the wondrous spookiness of the season, I try not to think that in 25 years she could be rolling around in the Oregon mud at a cyclocross race with a bunch of hooks in her back hoping people will look at her.

Another "hot topic" among commenters recently has been the subject of "Cat 6," or commuter, "racing"--and more specifically, whether or not it is appropriate. Personally, I happen to be against it, though I should say that I have nothing whatsoever against commuting vigorously in order to get a workout or even against using other commuters as "mechanical rabbits"--just so long as this is done safely and responsibly and the "mechanical rabbit's" personal space is not encroached upon. Similarly, there's nothing wrong with appreciating the physical attributes of a fellow commuter from afar in a discreet fashion, but there's a point at which it goes too far--usually well before you find yourself dry-humping complete strangers on the subway. And actively wheelsucking or cutting people off on the Williamsburg Bridge is the dry-humping of bicycle commuting.

Still, I'd like very much to organize mock victory celebrations on the apex of the Williamsburg Bridge like the ones in this video which came to me from Stevil Kinevil via the "Treehugger" site:



I think a "Maillot Douche" jersey ceremony complete with scantily-clad podium hipsters would be the way to go.

And speaking of commuting, a reader from Germany recently alerted me to the future of bike locking:



Given the popularity of the "Hipster High Lock," I think it's safe to say that if such a device ever actually made it into production you'd soon find one poking out of the rear pocket of every "fixie" rider in cycledom.

In any case, the key is to temper your behavior with some self-awareness and a bit of perspective. This can help you realize when you're behaving inconsiderably--or, if you prefer, "douchey." Similarly, I realize that much of the time I behave like a persnickety fusspot, and that my expectation that we all obey the same rules is a bit unrealistic. After all, if everybody followed the rules then we wouldn't have Danny MacAskill videos:



Since that last Danny MacAskill video it would appear that he went and got himself a PR team since I've been receiving numerous press release-type emails concerning the one above, and when press releases tell me to mention something you'd better believe I listen! Afer all, Danny MacAskill's bike-handling skills are so impressive he has officially become the World's Most Agile Scotsman, a title previously held by this man:



Given his worldwide fame, I think Danny MacAskill's next video should be more international in scope, and I'd like to see him do an "edit" where he rides all of the world's holiest sites. For example, I'd love to see him in Jerusalem "hucking" his bike off of the Wailing Wall and onto the Dome of the Rock. On the downside, he'd have a fatwa on him in about nine seconds; on the upside, Fatwa=Massive Street Cred. Then, after that, he and Salman Rushdie could "drop" a "collabo" of some kind. They could call it "The Bike-Tastic Verses."

Speaking of worldviews, a reader recently forwarded me the following Craigslist post:


How to Buy a Used Surly Steamroller Fixie 56cm - $550 (mission district)
Date: 2010-11-16, 9:04AM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

It's kind of a right of passage to ride a fixie on the streets of the mission. You're either hip or your not, and there's something about dudes who ride bikes with wheels that don't spin that's just so attractive to the ladies. One of the simplest, and possibly coolest, fixed gear bicycles you can buy is the Surly Steamroller, and lucky for you, I'm selling mine. It's not very old, originally purchased new in May 2010. I'm only selling it because I'm done riding for the season, and planning on relocating somewhere else in the next few months -- the bike can't come, because all I bring with me is a backpack. That's where you come in: it's time for you to embrace a fixed gear bike for the first time, or maybe you need an upgrade?

The frame is a 56cm -- it's a Surly Steamroller Cream complete, so you can find the parts list here on Surly's website. http://surlybikes.com/bikes/steamroller_complete/

There are two brakes, so if you're afraid of dying in traffic like I am, you can stop the bike before you die.

There is very little wear, but the logos are starting to peel a little from the frame. You can probably remove the Surly logos entirely for a better look, with some soaking and a sponge.

Asking $550, cash only. Original price was $750. Located in the mission at 24th and Bryant. My schedule is pretty open, but drop me an email to see if it's still available. I imagine this will go kind of quick.


My first thought upon reading this was, "Wow, the guy selling that Surly sounds like a total douche." My second thought was, "Hey, that Surly looks familiar." In fact, I'm fairly certain it belongs to the "57 things" minimalist guy, since I saw it in his apartment in that CBS Evening News Report:

Sure, it's just a stock Surly Steamroller, but the pedals are the giveaway--that and the smug part about how "all I bring with me is a backpack." To confirm, I visited his weird minimalist-meets-get-rich-quick site, but all I found was this:

How does it feel to delete the photos of your ex-boyfriend?

How does it feel to sell the house you’ve lived in for the last 26 years?

How does it feel to drop your TV off your roof?

How does it feel to move to the other side of the country?

How does it feel to not have a home at all?

How does it feel to swap out bacon egg and cheeses for breakfast fruit?

How does it feel to make $27 (or $2,300?) of location-independent income?


You'll notice that "How does it feel to sell your barely-ridden fixie?" is conspicuously absent from that list, but that may be because it's still languishing on Craigslist. In the meantime, I suppose he can console himself by being overly smug about the fact that he got dumped and that he eats fruit for breakfast. I will say though that if he's never sold a fixie on Craigslist he may have no idea what he's in for, and if he can't handle a few negative comments on his blog then the barrage of inane questions like "Hoe much does it way?" and "Can I take the breaks off?" are liable to destroy him.

In the meantime, I'll be waiting on tenterhooks to see if it moves--or, failing that, flesh hooks.

117 comments:

Neil said...

first early poster?

Neil said...

yeah, go me.

streepo said...

Shoes for industry, shoes for the dead!

Astroluc said...

wo0t... just off the podium; first time in weeks I've hit the top 10... that training is paying off ;)

dcdouglas said...

Me as well. Next time, PODIUM!

Anonymous said...

top ten! got slowed reading yesterdays post.

Anonymous said...

Podes

hillbilly said...

quick group today

Anonymous said...

top ten? and i don't give a shit.

10,000 Aches said...

Wow, near the front in my winter suit. Not bad.

shoegazer said...

hi

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

I see old Everett does not list Bike Snob in the "As Featured In" part of his site. He has discovered yoga, so he'll be busy telling the world all about it. He is most likely all done with bikes, having blazed a trail to the next big thing.

Anonymous said...

Top 20 and even issuing fatwas! (too many beans for lunch)

Anonymous said...

Samanta!

Anonymous said...

Angeler!

Anonymous said...

Johnaton!

Anonymous said...

Monar!

Anonymous said...

Mr Snob,

More DK please please please?

Maybe a couple songs linked throughout the post as a soundtrack?

In your book, you mentioned how biking helped you come across things like music.

You were lucky. All we had growing up was a Yeild album on repeat & the cow-horn to my buddies land cruiser on the way out to the trails...but then again, we lived out in the sticks.

RANTWICK said...

Canada's Sanitary Napkin?

You know that as a Canuck I love these "Canada's" this and that things... but, ewwww.

streepo said...

Being called Canada's sanitary napkin makes me feel bloody awful.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

sheesh!

we all know how it feels man....

"like a rolling stone"!

Anonymous said...

FLESH HOOK

(Yes, as a mater of fact I do have an extra finger on my right hand).

Anonymous said...

Canada uses tampons, yo.

Irma La Douche said...

Speaking of hookers, why don't you come and squirt me some time?

Anonymous said...

Why doesn't Danny MacAskill just get a pogo stick?

H

Anonymous said...

You know Chaim Witz has a vagina menorah.

You podium whores are still douchebags.

Angus said...

It dinna take agilty to toss the caber ya git, it takes sheer brute strentgh. MacAskill's a wee girlie.

Anonymous said...

If I were a lady, I doubt I'd be attracted to a dude on a bike with wheels that don't spin.

Anonymous Coward said...

Cat 6 commenter. Anyone know of barely used commenter rollers for sale? I'm trying to multi-task a little less.

Dr. Feelgood said...

Streepo; nice Fireside Theater reference!

Snob, in honor of my English teacher mother; "inconsiderately". That would have cost us a nickle (placed into the "fines" jar).

As for "Halloween", I also like Ministry's song of that title.

Dan O said...

My wheels never spin. Rusted hubs?

frenchie said...

Remi Gaillard from Montpellier, southern France, is quite a star over here, because of all his crazy videos (no fakes, and lots of problems with the local police..).
You can check his videos here , and i especially recommand decathon , Rocky , and the absolute classic mario kart . Enjoy !!

James B. said...

Snazzy pictures from the Boston B.R.A. >>> http://bit.ly/bSda2a

Jello Biafra said...

Why don't you take your social regulation, shove it up your ass?

mikeweb said...

For the record, I did no dry humping on my morning commute today. I save that for the ride home.

crosspalms said...

huckters = hucksters?

And that's quite a menorah...

Anonymous said...

For a minimalist he sure did some photo shop filter work on his surly photo. Does a computer program add to the 57 thing list or anything you can stuff on a computer count as one?

Stranded said...

No way I'd buy a bike from a dufus who cant spell "rite" right or who doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're," he said, smugly.

OBA said...

Congratulations, you've set the bar for the grossest menorah-themed artwork ever. I have to go soak my eyeballs in bleach and sanitize my dreidel.

Mojo Nixon said...

I know Jello Biafra. I have worked with Jello Biafra. Jello Biafra is a friend of mine. You are no Jello Biafra.

Tyler's Chimera said...

Cat 7 = CATatonic while cycling.

Anonymous said...

The minimalist keeps overhead down by using less letters and goes without a dictionary.

xyxax said...

No cheering crowds at the top of the WB this morning, but an empty FDNY ambulance at the foot of the Manhattan side, with the side door open toward the bridge path.
Felt an urge to huck right on in.

DREI HUMP

Huckster said...

Damn it! Couda podied except I stopped to curate a smaller more streamlined and hippier messenger bag for my large overnight very functional and inexpensive backpack... Live and learn...next time I'm trying one of those brand new fanny packs.

samh said...

Tampons, punk rock, vaginas, douches, and more douches!

Grammar Nazi said...

"commuter from afar in a discreet fashion, but there's a point at which it goes to far-"

Grammar Nazi says "too far," Snob.

veloben said...

Something is missing here:

"...I hardly this is something somebody..."

Anonymous said...

Your "Menorah" is offensive on many levels. B4N and longer.

Helen said...

Dr. Feelgood: Would "nickle" have garnered the same punishment? Remember, the Snob dictates to a helper monkey, and even they are not perfect.

sufferist said...

I had trouble reading the following line. Is there a word missing?


Still, I would argue that such behavior falls outside the purview of a simple Halloween costume in that I hardly [think?] this is something somebody would do for the first time on a whim in the spirit of the season.

Pan said...

I offered him 150, most I can pay for a bike with "wheels that don't spin"

Anonymous said...

What a beautiful call on the 57 things guy bike. The shot is also on his flikr page. Looks like most of the shots there were done by his helper monkey (name TBD).

Anonymous said...

@Anon 1:26

"The minimalist keeps overhead down by using [less] fewer letters and [goes] going without a dictionary."

... edited for incorrect usage and parallel structure.

Just sayin' (not to single out one individual -- many examples in these blogments) ... people who live in grammatical glass houses should indulge in a little LESS smugness (or: 'fewer smugnesses')...

crosspalms said...

According to my newly (and hastily) curated dictionary, the plural of smugness is smugni.

malky said...

I don't understand the reference to "holy sites" with mcaskill. Embra castle? Or the harbour on Skye?

Anonymous said...

mikeweb said...

"For the record, I did no dry humping on my morning commute today. I save that for the ride home."

Very true. The Freds generally compete harder on the way HOME TO BROOKLYN, since showing up at work a bit sweaty can be disturbing to employers.

mikeweb said...

Anon 3:47,

I'm not a real Fred. I'm a fakerfred, but thanks for the attempted upgrade.

Anonymous said...

from Anon 'whatever the precise present time of this post is' (the Anon formerly known as Anon 2:51)
@crosspalms

Eeeeww! Although ... you DO know where this coinage will end up, yes? Someone's going to say it ... just a matter of time.

crosspalms said...

I'd better add a second definition. Got it: high-end Italian road bike by Mario ("is that steel I smell?") Smugni. sMOONyee...

Dr. Feelgood said...

Helen, tell me about it! I was dictating to my helper dolphin, Fliper (I know what you are going to write, but he insists that his is the correct spelling). It is just impossible to get professional, competent helper animals anymore; can I get an "Amen" Snob?
Of course, your entry was perfectly typed. What type of helper animal are you using?

Anonymous # 3 said...

Mikeweb-
I'm like you purhapz, I save my dryhumping till the ride home, at least it's dark so i cant embarass myself and I'm embrocated with several cold beers, so I got that going for me as a Cat 6.... which is good. Here's to an upgrade.

Carbon Caber Caper said...

Is that a caber in your pocket or....

Bobby said...

Sir Snob, you are in rare form today, perhaps imbibing in some fine BSNYC coffee? Great videos today, I loved the Tour De France video.

Vegas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vegas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Recent "popular" posts:

How to Be Present, Here and Now

How to Get Started With Your
Minimalist Freedom Lifestyle

How to Destroy Your Past Lives starting over)

I think it's 100% obvious that 57 things guy next post will be:

How to Trade ONE thing for FIVE HUNDRED AND FIFTY THINGS

Vegas said...

Apparently Wallymart has seen Snobby's Vaginorah, as they are now stocking their Hanukkah isles with preggo tests:
http://www.thehighdefinite.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/asiOO.jpg

Hermann Borring said...

I thought that German bike commuters stored their rides in their humomgous anal pores?

I believe that this practice is known as 'Technik Arschloch Fixieren'

Anonymous said...

New embrocation of choice for hipster Cat 6 racing is 4Loco, when FDA bans it def will see fewer upgrades in the field.

Anonymous said...

Nifty piece of detective work there Sherlock Snob tying the surly to the Minimalist. I think another give away is the fact that he recommends minimalizing the bike by removing the surly decals, that and he is planning to relocate. It appears that his annoying minimalist lifestyle is a self-fulfilling prophecy. First his girlfriend gets sick of him and leaves now he has to sell is steamroller for rent money because the minimalist business is not booming. Down to 55 things.

Artisanally yours said...

For homemade embro, take water bottle to local coffee shop (park carefully -- they can be touchy), fill halfway with coffee or espresso, top off with brandy. Shake and enjoy. For total disorientation and projectile vomiting, substitute sloe gin for brandy.

Anonymous said...

Those coffee shop guys should crazy glue the locks on the offending bikes; it's the Williamsburg thing to do.

bikesgonewild said...

...don't visit any scottish caber tossing events with one of those german pole locking devices...

...at least be extremely vigilant...

...re: danny mac = stunning & fearless...wow...

PawnShop said...

Dude's gonna hafta change his mantra to "56 Things".

Besides, I thought the first step in "buying" a used Surly Steamroller involved stealing the scissors jack out of a VW bus.

Just Sayin' said...

We really should give that minimalist guy credit for having brakes on his bike. And for spelling brakes correctly, since spelling doesn't seem to be his strong suit.

Anonymous said...

haha "my schedule is pretty open"

but don't fuck with him during his morning routine

Shram said...

Snob, I can read between the lines, I'll go do it now!
("if he can't handle a few negative comments on his blog...")

Anonymous said...

minimalist apparently wants to get another Mac product, probably an iMac or 30 inch display, so he needs to make some room for it in his 57 thing list and getting rid of one of his purple v-necks is completely out of the question.

bikesgonewild said...

...btw, pawnshop...

...on monday you said, "ANYBODY on a Serotta is a "dentist". And probably a Nu-Fred."...

...i, sir, take extreme exception to that because although i ride the brand 9 out of 10 dentists prefer, i'm so not a 'nu-fred-ist' as to be laugh-(ha-ha)-able...

...your statement has rendered me palpably apoplectic but because i'm not a cat6 racer, it took me several days to catch up to your wheel...

...recant, sir...i fear nothing less than a written apology will suffice...

...just sayin'...

Flash said...

I got Cat 6'd on my way out to Berkeley today by a slacker/hipster wearing a large Chrome backpack straddling a clunking old roadbike. I kept my commuter pace and caught up to him at each red light, so after a while he started blowing the red lights to stay ahead. A flagrant but not unexpected violation of the unwritten rules, which, I think are in need or being written.

PawnShop said...

Recant what, exactly? I said PROBABLY.

Reilly said...

Please make fun of this site: http://letsgorideabike.com/blog/

It's so fucking precious.

Anonymous said...

And he can call his holy site video: "Danny MacAskill is holy rollin'".

Anonymous said...

As I am an unhappy jerk, I tend to want to poke fun at Danny MacAskill's videos for the terrible music. But I can't find it in me to mock him for liking the mopey 4AD-sounding shit popular with my 80s girlfriends (plural but few) because he's fucking rad!

Anonymous said...

I guess that thing that's so douchey about CAT 6 commuter racing is the cluelessness. If any of these idiots ever showed up for even a Prospect Park race, they would get destroyed. I would invite them, but their group riding skills are probably so terrible that it would endanger everyone else.

Lowe, Perez, Harris, Smith...a 500 other people in NYC....they would all kill you, and they're not even fast on a global scale. So watching these commuter racers, with their smug smiles of satisfaction when they go over a short bridge or through a stoplight, is what makes it so nauseating. The utter lack of perspective of their own abilities. A big helping of humble pie is in order.

And don't give me crap about fitness and pushing yourself. You can get just as good of a workout in that amount of time and get to work 3 minutes later. You are pushing nothing. Riding over the B,M, or W bridges is not "hard".

Idiots.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...anon 8:09pm...i think the music for this video was well chosen & amazingly appropriate for danny mac's "way back home", return to scotland...

...smoove stuff...the music & the riding...in fact, i've never seen anyone on a bike as smooth & instinctually 'cat like' as that guy...

...sheesh, pawnshop...you oughta take anon 8:31pm out for a ride...he REALLY needs to chill...
...no racing, whatever the 'cat'...

"Guppy" Honaker said...

Flesh Hooks? Oh man, Bike Snob, that's just nasty. For some people, Halloween never ends, does it?

- David

Top 10 Aloe Vera Juice Benefits
Holistic Nutrition and Health

CAT7 racer sez said...

ZZZZZ ZZZZz ZZZzz ZZzzz Zzzzzzzzzz

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, btw...THIS is for you racy 'cat6' types...

...you 'own' it, you wear it...

Anonymous said...

You sarcastic clowns make me laugh, in a sad way. Danny MacAskill makes me cry, in a good way. It's just freaking beautiful.

Thanks, it's my first time posting here. I love you all, really. The guacamole is excellent.

cyclotourist said...

So you're implying Canada only needs us one week out of the month?

Jakerock said...

Holy shit I just watched and read stuff about "Mr Minimalist".

I guess I must realize that my reaction is telling me something about myself, but I felt homicidal.

Where did these people come from?

My god.

Anonymous said...

the last two bsnyc post; i was laughing with no sound ,abba crunches. The post reflect how funny bsnyc can be @ times but it doesn't make up for an over hyped tangent mediocre book... meow

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 4:25am...

...so, your obviously limited grasp of the english language entitles you to be a literary critic ???...

...just askin'...

...woof...

sarliaee said...

As an award winning Cat 6 racer, can i just say you don't know what you're missing out in. Nothing is more exhilarating than racing someone you've never met and for that matter never will meet. Just two people doing what they love as hard as they possibly can.

Anonymous said...

Annon 8:31 pm, lighten up.

Personally I pound the bridges BECAUSE there are no real hills in this town - I'm not racing you in my hardest gear, I'm just trying to pass & keep to myself.

I'm sorry if wanting to keep my heart rate up & attain 'cadence', which I don't fully understand but have been told is a worthy goal, threatens you.

I've lost ten pounds since my commute started taking me over a bridge. Just because a roadie can smoke me doesn't mean you should disparage people.

AW said...

that was the first time i saw that cbs video. what a smug dickhole. if he is trying to "downsize" his life, why would he choose to live in such a massive apartment, with two empty bedrooms? so that it becomes that more obvious how little stuff he has? what an assbag.

yogisurf said...

Danny McAskill...WOW. The most impressive huck??? How about off the Seal of Disapproval at 55 seconds? Take that Snobby!

Anonymous said...

BECAUSE? When you lost weight did it go to your head?

No threat. Just your attitude. Maybe like the fat you will lose it too?

Anonymous said...

Does the minimalist also take less money? Since it might be under 57?

TOP said...

Bikesnob,
What is up with your snobbery articles in Bicycle Magazine? Why are you always comparing PROs and others? I do not want to be a PRO Cyclists, but I do own Dura Ace components. I do not want to be a PRO Cyclist, but I do want to ride a certain 30 mile course in 1HR and 3omin, I want to go faster, I want to beat my personal best time on a number of courses. I want to own quality equipment! I do not want to be a pro… I want to own ZIPP 404s! I do not want to be a “PRO” I have never wanted to be a PRO Cyclist. Cycling is one of many ways I stay in shape and my most favorite way to work out, and yes I am passionate about the sport and the equipment. I do want to drop five more pounds and improve my over all time on rides, I don’t want to be a PRO. Obviously PRO teams and others endurance athletes set the standard for speed and endurance. I would guess that you are trying to generate controversy.

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Awesome posts Mr snob, keep it up!

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