Monday, October 4, 2010

Getting Around: Baby got BRA

This past last weekend, I went to a place called Massachusetts. Massachusetts is a state in the United States of America. The United States of America is sometimes called "Canada's Undercarriage." Massachusetts used to have Ted Kennedy but he died. That was sad. A long time ago Ted Kennedy's car went into the water and he was OK but the lady who was with him died. That was sad. I think the people in Massachusetts must be the nicest people in all of Canada's Undercarriage. Massachusetts has a city called Boston that is the capital of Massachusetts. Here is a park called Fenway Park, where the Boston baseball team plays baseball:

(Fenway Park Stadiumway, home of the Red Colorway Sox)

The reason I went to Boston, of course, was because on Friday evening I partook in a "BRA" (or Book-Related Appearance) at Landry's Bike Shop on Commonwealth Avenue, and the above photo was taken by me on the afternoon ride that preceded this BRA. As you can see, it was precipitating during this ride, which immediately qualified it as an "epic." Alas, the Great Lobster on High had set the nozzle of his celestial spray bottle to "mist," and only a handful of Boston's most epically-inclined riders showed to brave the light drizzle that eventually transitioned to steady rain once the Great Lobster switched to the "spray" setting. However, even in small numbers, this group was intimidating enough to force me to "salmon"--for if you're familiar with the Fenway area you may have noticed that we're going the wrong way.

Here's an over-the-shoulder shot of our hale party fording the mighty Charles River:

And here we are receiving information and historical facts about the area from a gentleman with a beard:

I prefer to receive information from the amply-bearded, for beards are authoritative and lend the wearer's words additional credence and gravitas. In fact, when told something by the smoothly-shaven or naturally hairless, I am usually skeptical and will often seek out a bearded person for corroboration. Anyway, here we are at Boston Common, where apparently you're still technically allowed to bring cattle for grazing. Foolishly, I had just assumed that Boston would not offer much in the way of grazing opportunities, and behind the camera I am kicking myself for leaving my prize Holstein at home.

Also, we saw a giant baby's head:

As you can see, the baby's expression is ambiguous, and we speculated as to whether this baby could accurately be described as "nonplussed." The fact is, without pupils it's difficult to tell. For example, the baby could be nonplussed bordering on aghast:


Or the baby could be feigning innocence:


Or the baby could be contemplating a question before answering it:


Or the baby could just be feeling "kooky:"

I suspect this is precisely the artist's intent, and that he means to evoke the notion that each one of us is a tabula rasa until we are shaped by our experiences--either that, or he just figured it would be pretty sick to make a big baby head, and that it would totally look like an army of giant babies was crawling out of the Earth if you were baked.

Meanwhile, back at Old Man Landry's, the stage was being set for my BRA:

One chair is for me, and the other is for Andrew Steinhouse, who interrogated me in the manner of James Lipton while projecting relevant images behind us. Here is what it looked like from the cockpit:

(The chairs immediately in front of me are vacant due to my spitting problem.)

I greatly enjoyed this BRA, and words are scarcely sufficient to convey my gratitude to Andrew Steinhouse for organizing the ride, MCing the event, and generally "curating" the entire thing with aplomb; Landry's for being gracious hosts; and the people of Boston for enduring both the rain and my tedious ramblings in order to get free pizza and beer. (There was free pizza and beer.) In fact, words are so inadequate that I'm not even going to bother, and instead I'm going to allow Mr. Neil Diamond to express my emotions for me:



The following day, my heart light still glowing with gratitude, I traveled to Gloucester (the Fish Stick Capital of America) in order to enjoy the "cyclo-cross." Here is dramatic video of the race in which I participated (not taken by me), in which you can see another participant invert himself within seconds of the start:

(That's not supposed to happen.)

As for my own performance, I'm not ashamed to say that when it comes to the "cyclo-cross" I put the "can't" in "cantis," and I spent the ensuing 45 minutes on the verge of tears with a giant snot bubble in my nose. Then, I watched the pros. Here's a picture of Ryan Trebon putting his bicycle back between his legs:

Speaking of professional cyclists, this past weekend the World Championship Elite Men's Road Race took place in Australia (New Zealand's Disembodied Goiter), and of course all eyes were on one rider: Dimitry Fofonov, who eventually "foffed" his way into 12th place.


The winner was lactose enthusiast Thor Hushovd, who undoubtedly felt lighter than milk in his post-victory elation. Here, he compares the weight of his World Championship medal to the weight a pint of half-and-half (out of frame) and appears to be quite pleased with the result:

Indeed, unlike that giant baby head, Hushovd's expression is entirely unambiguous. It's also completely free from guilt, unlike many "green" people, as you may have read in that New York Times article to which I linked in Friday's post:

Apparently, like the fondling priest, the "green" often have trouble reconciling their higher ideals with their earthly desires. Consider this person, whose luxurious house in Palm Springs is a source of great consternation:

Does Mr. Freed — who said his wife, Laurie, is not a greenie and did not even recycle when they met — have any green guilt about his own lifestyle, which includes a 350-square-foot apartment in San Francisco and a 2,000-square-foot house in Palm Springs, Calif.?

“Nonstop, every minute, are you kidding?” he said. “Every time I set foot in the car. I drive a hybrid and I bought carbon offsets for it, so technically it’s carbon-neutral, but with carbon offsets you’re trading the carbon reduction of one company for the polluting practices of another. I have a 2-year-old child, a little girl —
there’s a lot of guilt around the baby, because its stuff is horribly packaged, designed to be disposable, and there are times we have to do things I wouldn’t do for myself, such as disposable water bottles and these plastic placemats we use when we go to the restaurant. They’re great for germs, but disposable, awful things.”

Perhaps the only thing more irritating than listening to a bunch of minimalists brag about how little they own is listening to a bunch of rich people talk about how they're emotionally tortured by their possessions--and of course "possessions" include babies, which are also a tremendous source of guilt and inconvenience and are even referred to as "it" instead of "he" or "she." I look forward to seeing how this new generation of "its" adjusts to the resentment heaped upon them by their parents, bitter about having been forced to cope with the "awful" world of disposable diapers and distasteful packaging. I imagine they'll wind up looking something like this:

Meet the Bard College Class of 2030.

In any case, perhaps some of these guilty parents should really begin living in harmony with the Earth by living entirely off of it and swaddling their children in animal hides. They can then assuage any remaining guilt by using the rest of the animal to make organic leather saddles and antler cockpits, like this example which was submitted to me for "Cockie" consideration:

Here's another, more sporting example of an antler cockpit:

Though if you do kill an animal, swaddle your child in its hide, use its antlers to "curate" your cockpit, and then eat its meat, just make sure the resulting steaks do not contain any clenbuterol.

Or, if you don't have the stomach for hunting, you can always "curate" a cockpit that burns with the brightness of a thousand suns, like this one that was spotted in Baltimore:

In the event of a blackout, he could easily illuminate a Major League Baseball stadium.

95 comments:

xyxax said...

bra!

samh said...

"To prepare for a race there is nothing better than a good pheasant, some champagne and a woman" - Jacques Anquetil

reuben said...

50 picograms of Clen makes all the difference

Anonymous said...

Arms up. Finger bang.

Anonymous said...

will my day to be first ever come???

Anonymous said...

top 10

Anonymous said...

Top 10! I think.

Mark Cavendish salute!

Shu-Sin said...

topping

Shu-Sin said...

topping

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Nogocyclist said...

Failed to place due to a "Service Not Available" message.

????

ringcycles said...

all you haters, taste my meaty taint!

Astroluc said...

I go to school near there, and those giant baby heads at the MFA freak me the F out...

Sorry I missed the BRA; I was at work :(

BABY HEAD

hillbilly said...

boyhowdy.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Bad Lawyer said...

Tainted plastic milk bottles.

In fact wasn't that the standby excuse--for "testing positive" (a great oxymoron), "it must have been in the . . . whatever I ate or drank that one of my fans gave me."

D said...

Nonplussed James Lipton babyway.

D. Hawerchuk said...

quoi??? le vingt premier!!!! zut alors!

whassup bra? isn't that what they say on Jersey Shore?

"Guppy" Honaker said...

I'm glad, Bike Snob, that you enjoyed your trip to MA. I agree, the baby is indeed "nonplussed." But I also agree, without puplis, it's impossible to know.

- David

Aloe Vera Juice Benefits
Holistic Nutrition and Health

I am the big baby engine said...

Last week you pissed off the fake minimalist, cockpit challenged, and so9me other thin skinned, whimpy douche-bags. This week you are calling babies un-green. I think their revenge will be more brown filled plastic. Be careful their vengeance is not sweet.

Remember baby is the new measure of the bike weight.
That big baby will be the measure of the new uci competition bike.

plastic fille

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

whoever sent in the light-tastic last picture owes us another one of that thing at night!

Jefe said...

"Massachusetts used to have Ted Kennedy but he died. That was sad. A long time ago Ted Kennedy's car went into the water and he was OK but the lady who was with him died. That was sad."

Sounds like a historian speaking to his four-year-old grandchild. Are you upset with your readers or Massachusetts?

Comment deleted said...

Ahh...fall in Davis...the students return in hoards, riding hands-free, both ears plugged iPodically, salmoning joyously through campus. One came around a blind corner on my side on Friday, panicked when he saw me, and low-sided. His tailgating friend proceeded to flip over his prostrate comrade.

18 year-olds may not have the brightest front-porch light, but luckily, are fairly indestructible. Both were fine.

beltedone said...

FYI - The Velodrome Bicycle Flea Market and Swap Meet ROCKKKKKEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD on Satruday.

cycle

Anonymous said...

Hoof pedals!!!

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob:
Thanks for the nice BRA. Although I live in Boston, I rarely visit the museum where the giant baby is sprouting but I will have to go there and leave some sort of burnt offering and pray that it doesn't emerge any further.

Cool The Kid said...

Carbon credits are the new penance

"yes I ran the boy over, but in my defense that is one less carbon footprint"

uh Creepy said...

What is around the Bard Alum's Neck? Spikes? Or is "it" a mutant baby artichoke?

Paul Bowen said...

Surely you have your Cockie winner Snobbers? Fantastic - poor guy obviously never got over seeing Quadrophenia but life always somehow stopped him putting together the money for a '62 Lambretta. Mind you, if he sold his light collection...agree DaddoOne, we need night shot!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Jefe - its actually just the opposite - don't you remember the papers you "wroat" in school?

Jim said...

Ahh. So that's what mountain bikers mean when they say they were riding down a trail filled with babyheads. Kinda explains why they all smoke dope - that babyhead is haunting!

Ps. I feel bad for the greenies. All the guilt of Judaism or Catholicism, none of the salvation or Woody Allen films... So sad. I think if they could only spend their time trying to make the rest of us feel guilty, it'd be better somehow.

Pps. I paid for the electrons burned in generating this post by purchasing carbon credits. I felt guilty about the energy it took to do the web transaction but will recycle a slice of old pizza for lunch to make up for it.

frilly said...

Andrew, you're looking really buff. Have you been working out?

g said...

Would have won today (squandered opportunity) but I am still afraid of crashing.

Dave said...

The bearded font of information reminded me a little of the late, great Sheldon Brown, Boston cycledom's greatness dispenser of wisdom. And a man whose beard and vast intelligence defined him

Arthur Radley said...

Boo

Anonymous said...

Yup, having a child is simply taking up a very time consuming (and in most cases, a not particularly fulfilling) hobby. There are more than enough people on the planet and if you're truly concerned about your carbon footprint, don't procreate. Unfortunately, most people are deluded and think that they and their children are special, when, by definition, most people and their children, are average.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

12 oz at time, Frills.

bikesgonewild said...

...interesting post in light of the fact that i've always wondered if mrs gorton & neil diamond would have made a happy couple together...

...call me crazy (or ishmael for that matter) but that's just how i (lobster (god)) roll...

...boston, mass...nice town...

evil ben said...

The flask holder in the next to last picture is AWESOME!

ringcycles said...

so eight point stag bars have surplanted bull horn bars.

wait until moose antler bars drop.

faker-jacks will shart their shants when they spot those.

erik k said...

that headlight configuration is truly mind boggling, just the batteries alone must weight 10 pounds, and how does he even see where he is going? sure the lights illuminate the way, but you can see through them.

bikesgonewild said...

...with that camo paint job, those deer horn bars & that flask (***warning***drink contents for warming purposes only) i thought cabela's was sponsoring a bike racing team...

Comment deleted said...

Speaking of Davis (and yes, I meant "hordes", not "hoards" -- I was posting while riding hands-free, so cut me some slack), that camo-way antler bike was curated by none other than Davis Wheelworks, a good but snooty* LBS.


*"Oh...is that your *daily* ride?"

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Bobby said...

Oh, my God!! This bloody twink actually feels such guilt that he falls for the "carbon credit" scam! Figures, it's an accessory for that (un)friendly Prius in the driveway. Listen pal, either you feel guilt about disposable diapers, or you feel guilt about all that water, energy, and soap you use to clean the diapers. Go minimalist, and shave the poop off with an artisanal axe then.

Environmentalism is the new communism, just ask Vaclav Klaus. No, he doesn't race for Astana.

These guys make me sick, both the idiots that fall for this drivel, and even more, the very source of all this scheme, hobnobbing around in their Gulfstream V, while insulting us all with mention of the 1kW solar panel atop their third garage on their alternate summer (August through September) cottage, upstate, naturally.

There is no spoon. I have no guilt. Dammit, I am having a Denis Leary moment!! Time to sprint to the finish and do a Cavendish!!!

Anonymous said...

That guy put so much energy into curating that grotesque cockpit that he forgot to put air in the rear tire. Epically illuminated FAIL.

Eric Lowe said...

I also sent in (much fuzzier) shots of "James The Rolling Lighthouse". Damned vintage blackberry hasn't the pixel power required to adequately show that cockie. I have seen James riding around town many times but alas, never at night.

streepo said...

It is rumored that Ted Kennedy reunited with Mary Jo Kopechne in the afterlife. They get along swimmingly.

sven said...

the glib minimalism(or possibly minimalist glibness) of your musings on boston really got the ball rolling, ramping up tothe jungle temple of your bra which i like to think of as a small sampling of what must be millions of cultlike followers who split up their devotional time between your blog and a non-plussed lobster. particularly inspired was you pointing out the easy grab for multiple readings that artists avail themselves by shuttering the windows of the soul.
btw, i'm pretty sure that crabon credits are the new indulgences as, if i'm not mistaken, penance involves some kind of actual action.

David Henderson said...

As usual, this post was....

Anonymous said...

Top US finisher. Oh, no wait, that was 73rd.

I am the sort of enviromentalist engine said...

"Environmentalism is the new communism, just ask Vaclav Klaus."

Bobby go fuck off.

Never confuse environmentalism for self important douchebags.

You want clean water, clean air, you have to make compromises.

Buying carbon off-sets is just giving money to rich commodity traders. That is stupid.

Minimizing stupidity is not the stupid minimalist.

I think you are throwing out the big baby head with the the epo contaminated bath water.

g-roc said...

That's the difference between you and me Snobby. I too thought it was odd that he referred to his little girl as an "it", but you took it to the next level and provided the logical conclusion. Awesome.

Oh, and I had a great link for some running shoes, now where did I put it...

frilly said...

'Environmentalism is the new communism, just ask Vaclav Klaus. No, he doesn't race for Astana.'

Katusha?

Bobby said...

At the very least, I see that we DO agree on some things, most notably the self-deprecating douchery of crabon credits. Be careful with the quick slide to personal attacks as your **** off is highly symptomatic of liberal thinking. When the ammunition of logic runs out, this is a natural excursion from discussion.

In California, I have to live with this bullshit, as we face hiked utility rates to fund yet another debacle. The excuse is that "big oil" is against it- when I hear that term, I can smell the feces. I don't have a collection of artisanal cottages to run away to.

All this talk about green jobs is making me think about algae. The film of it is getting thicker.

Kevin said...

Classic post Snob. You're in great form today. Next time you're in Seatle, please come on a team ride with Recycled Cycles. Despite our team name we all rock crabon fibre Raleigh's. You'll fit right in.

Uptight white guy said...

It's throw down time!

d. fofonov said...

I am not liking your attitude. I think so you are being too very much cocky.

Pinchfinger said...

Snob,
It was great to meet you and talk with you this past weekend at Landry's in Beantown (for reference, my wife and I were the couple sitting next to you and your wife and baby; that kid is big!). We came up to Gloucester to cheer you on during the cyclocross; I've spared you the agony of posting photos, though I will tell the world you did come in in the first half of the bunch.
Your book is very good and funny to boot. Everybody, buy a copy of Snob's book; keep him self employed!
Take care and keep up the good work.

Anonymous said...

Putting deer antlers on your bike is a good way to get shot during hunting season.

Maybe that baby sculpture had a mossy beard when it was installed, but some roaming cattle grazed it clean off.

Anonymous said...

silly you
in boston they worship the crab

Shu-Sin said...

do you think the rider on the camo-deer bike has just finished foffin-off? he has a smirk on his face and what's between his legs is definitely made of 'skin'... might that be the famed and scarce pants yabbies holster???? Deer God!!!

I am getting cranky engine said...

"At the very least, I see that we DO agree on some things, most notably the self-deprecating douchery of crabon credits. Be careful with the quick slide to personal attacks as your **** off is highly symptomatic of liberal thinking."
What? What makes an environmentalist a liberal?
I want clean water, no contaminants in my eggs, and cleaner air to breath.

"When the ammunition of logic runs out, this is a natural excursion from discussion."

I saw no method to your logic or madness.

"In California, I have to live with this bullshit, as we face hiked utility rates to fund yet another debacle."

The reason you face hiked utility rates is that Reagan deregulated the utility industry and gave you ENRON who raped PG&E and the population.

"The excuse is that "big oil" is against it- when I hear that term, I can smell the feces."

Big oil is against it, and Big coal, and Big utilities, get over it. They are not looking out save you a buck.

"I don't have a collection of artisanal cottages to run away to."

Me neither, what does artisanal cottages have to do with anything. I think SNOB should make fun of artisanal cottages tomorrow.

"All this talk about green jobs is making me think about algae. The film of it is getting thicker."

Me too, that is bull, a job is a job if it is in a coal mine or a solar electrical generation plan.

Quit your whining about environmentalist screwing up the earth, and go ride your bike.
Maybe you could slap down a hipster with a U-Lock because he likes hemp

Fritz said...

antlers everywhere

greg biché said...

In case anyone is wondering, that large baby's head is a sculpture by Spanish artist Antonio López García.

http://www.google.com/images?q=antonio+lopez+garcia+night+day

CALib said...

"Bobby" is a BP PR trollster.

Bobby said...

You guys are great. We are slated (no kidding) for crabon credits and cap and trade legislation in 2012 here in CA. Cap and trade is all about the Gorester's plan to package hot air, with the climate exchange based in...you guessed it...Chicago. Maybe chasing a hemp based life form with his U-lock might be a welcome stress reliever.

Well, BP hasn't sent me any further instructions by e-mail yet. I wonder if those antlers are stronger than crabon. If they are, maybe Snob will see them at the next Interbike, displayed with matching Rapha camo jerseys?

Anonymous said...

Filthy hypocritical elitist commo greenies trying to control the world. Without you meddling lot with your constructs and constraints I could be free. I could roam the land without paying no taxes for no roads I don't want. I would be free to roam the land in my tank with my horde taking what I want and fighting anyone who stands in my way. ce

leroy said...

I mounted multiple illumination units on my antler handlebars and rode like a deer in headlights.

BISOUBISOU said...

If the Cockies aren't a sham, James is the clear winner.

Anonymous said...

... you communist greenie types with your rubbish dumps, piped water, sewage treatment works, transport infrastructure, food safety regulations, restrictive anti-murder laws etc. Warlords like myself won't let you mollycoddle us into subservient dependence. And don't get me started on that hypocrite The Gorester. He was breathing out crabon dioxide during his whole presentation. Does he think that his farts don't stink of methane? ce

bikesgonewild said...

...i swear to lobster, leroy...

..i'm buyin' if we ever meet & get to bend an elbow...

...just leave that dog of yours home...

Philip Williamson said...

Hey Bobby, this is for you. http://www.biketinker.com/2010/bike-art/devil-pooping-cars/

You make less sense than the little old lady who told me, "water isn't a renewable resource, you know!"

Water is always with us. Just like bullshit.

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tittkorv said...

The start of this blog reads a lot like something written by the great writer Kurt Vonnegut.

Lauri said...

”It” is simply gender-neutral for ”he” or ”she”. The commonly used ”he or she” is not gender-neutral, since it supposes two given genders.

I almost know people who actually do this, calling their child ”it”. Mind you, I’m from Finland, and you can’t do it in Finnish, since the third person singular pronoun is the same for all genderways. So Finnish people are forced to do it in English, or some other suitable language. It’s such a drag when you try to do the right thing but other people don’t notice it.

Bad Lawyer said...

"Riders think they can get away with doping because most of the time [we] do." --Bernard Kohl, NYT 10/4/2010; article by Juliet Macur

Anonymous said...

"To prepare for a women there is nothing better than a good pheasant, some champagne and a race" - Anon

Anonymous said...

The brightly illuminated cockie creator definitely looks a little dim

Anonymous said...

The brightly illuminated guy definitely looks a little dim

Anonymous said...

Quadrophenic-Anemic?

Anonymous said...

"All mountain bikers smoke dope"

...and some of us ride road bikes too!!

seo consulting said...

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Anonymous said...

Strange cockpit configurations and illumination tend to go hand in hand - like this one. Not sure, what the lever on top is used for ... .

Anonymous said...

There's something of Alfred Hitchcock about the baby head with added pupils.

hey nonny mouse....

leroy said...

BGW --

Sounds good to me. And if you're buying, well of course I'm drinking.

But we really should include my dog. He does an impression of Richard Nixon singing the Helen Reddy classic "I Am Woman" that will have the whole bar buying us rounds.

His "Saddam sings show tunes" bit is pretty good too.

bikesgonewild said...

...well, leroy...if he can throw in a few early neil diamond songs done with a little charo flourish, i'd be more than pleased...

...just sayin'...

James B. said...

Guy in the second picture down is quite a handsome chap. "Jordan tongue" the new fingerbang???

Dan O said...

Nice write up. I've learned a lot about Boston and I'm still weepy from the Neil Diamond tune.

Neil and giant baby heads rock.

3hree said...

i don't trust that baby head. not enough beard, if you know what i mean.

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fixie bikes said...

Babies are creepy, should definitely not make statues out of their heads.