Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Be-holed the Future: The Revolution Will Be Saddle-less

As any student of history knows, the bicycle is a machine that has been improving since its inception. First invented in approximately the 7th century BC, the bicycle immediately revolutionized human interaction--though these first bicycles had four wheels instead of two, and they placed more emphasis on hurling deadly projectiles than on simple, lightweight transport:


In fact, humankind was so captivated by the bicycle and its object-hurling capability that they began flinging things competitively. These loosely-organized competitions were called "wars," and they were the precursors to what we now know as "alleycats." However, humanity soon lost interest in "wars," which is why they are no longer fought today. Instead, to address the shifting interests of a fickle marketplace, bicycle manufacturers began to refine the bicycle's utility as a form of transportation, and by the 15th century AD the bicycle looked like this:



As you can see, in addition to abandoning what was technically called the "spoony flingy thing," bicycle manufacturers also moved from four wheels to zero. This was because something like two-thirds of the Earth's then-flat surface was covered with water, whereas the only road in existence at that time was the Great Silk Road from Europe to Asia, and it didn't even have any bike lanes on it. While this wheel-less bicycle was hugely successful and allowed riders to travel to and subjugate new continents, its main drawback was that it was incredibly difficult to "portage" up stairs and into apartments and early loft spaces--though the first fixed-gears were slightly more maneuverable:


But it would be another 400 years until the Earth adopted its current "round" shapeway and the bicycle industry "dropped" the two-wheeled "safety bicycle" design we all know and ride today (at least those of us who don't ride those freaky recumbents). Furthermore, it would be least a century from the advent of those first late-19th century "safety bicycles" to the moment the design was perfected and bicycle manufacturing reached its absolute, indisputable, awe-inspiring zenith:

Since then, it's all been "Gilding the Lily*."

*"Gilding the Lily" © 2010 Specialized Bicycle Components

For this reason, truly visionary designers know it's futile to try to improve the "safety bicycle," and instead they've been working on machines that will revolutionize cycling once again and do to the "safety bicycle" what the "safety bicycle" did to the "pennyfarthing." In recent years, we've seen a number of sublime attempts. There's the Mogo scooter:

(Note "epic" lamppost footplant.)

The ElliptiGO:

(ElliptiGO is the bicycle of choice for the man of ample bosom.)

And of course the "aerotrike:"



But as brilliant as each of these design am, none of they has the potential to consign the "safety bicycle" to the Graveyard of Idiotic Transport along with the riding dinosaur, the personal cannon, and the Pontiac Aztek--that is, until the Dreamslide was invented:



I was alerted to the Dreamslide by a fellow "Tweeterer" and I have no doubt that stomach-turning Euro-cheese soundtrack of the video is nothing less than the death knell of the now-obsolete "safety bicycle." This is because it has what those other designs lack. Consider the Mogo, for example. Sure, you can slay a sweet footplant off a lamppost, but can you use it for cyclocross? Or consider the ElliptiGO. While your male breasts may jiggle seductively as you ride along the coast, can you also descend on it like Paolo Savoldelli? (Or, more accurately, like Paolo Savoldelli's career?) Of course not. But you can do all of these things--and more!--on a Dreamslide. You can "throw down" in the town square:

And you can "hill bomb" in the countryside:

It even comes equipped with a Powercrank-like drivetrain to appeal to the "riding a bike isn't supposed to be fun" roadie set:


Plus, it's a "chick and/or dude magnet:"


But can you "portage" it and use it for Cyclocross 2.0 along with your tent and your chairs and your cooking equipment and your massage stick and your fragrant unguents and your pressure washer (which you'll need to cleanse your undercarriage of those unguents)? Of course you can:

Best of all, remounts are a breeze since there's no overshooting your inner thigh and landing right on your "pants yabbies" or "vaginae." Instead, you just run right up behind it and mount it like a mating dachshund:


Plus, would you put on a suit and ride your cyclocross bike to the opera? Of course not--but you can do it on the Dreamslide:


You can also use it to terrorize pedestrians:


Even the "fixie" crews will love the Dreamside, since it's great for blasting through intersections on video:

I predict that the next North American Handmade Bicycle Show will consist mostly of handmade artisanal Dreamslides, and that by Interbike 2012 all the manufacturers will have copied them and begun to offer at least one Dreamslide in their line-ups. Indeed, with the bicycle about to be completely revolutionized, it's a shame we don't have a revolutionary new road infrastructure to match--especially here in New York City, where you're fortunate to complete a ride without plummeting into a pothole and being eaten alive by Morlocs:

I have plied the thoroughfares of New York at the helm of all sorts of vehicles over the years--automobiles, bicycles, motorcycles, sedan chairs--and all of them (with the exception of the sedan chair) have at one time or another sustained some sort of damage due to the dire condition of the bombed airstrips which the city has the temerity to label with names or numbers and call "streets." In fact, I'd have switched exclusively to sedan chairs long ago if I didn't think that eventually one of my footmen would step into a pothole and wrench an ankle, and I saw on Fox news once that under "Obamacare" injured footmen must appear before some sort of "death panel" for euthanization. Not only do I not want that on my conscience, but I also don't want to go through the interminable hassle of hiring another footman on Craigslist.

Honestly, it's enough to drive me to move to Portland, where not only are the streets in far better repair, but there's even bicycle-themed temporary lodging:
Personally, I prefer staying in non-cycling-themed hotels because I take perverse pleasure in rolling my filthy bicycle through carpeted lobbies and into elevators where it tends to frighten and disgust tourists. However, the proprietor of this particular establishment has clearly realized that he can take advantage of the thousands of carpetbagging (does Chrome make carpetbags?) would-be framebuilders who arrive in Portland daily like starry-eyed Midwesterners coming to Hollywood in order to be in "the pictures:"

In addition to random guests that find him on the Web, Chris is also listed on UBI's website as a housing option for their bike school students (who get a discount on their stay).

He's also looking to take the logical next step and market his guest house to the people who come to Portland in order to be fawned upon and measured for their artisanal bicycles:

Chris says he is also looking to partner with local custom bike builders as a place for their customers to stay. "If you're getting a custom bike built, you should really come to Portland and take the time to get fit and meet the builder."

I wonder if he offers a flat five-year rate for the people on Sacha White's "epic" Vanilla waitlist.

Of course, no custom bicycle is complete without a "Stemie"--or, if you prefer, its organic rodent pelt equivalent, spotted by a reader in Woodstock, NY and submitted for "Cockie" consideration:


I guess you'd call that a "Squirrely:"

Though the revolutionary new design of the Dreamslide will sadly render dead squirrel stem pads obsolete.

87 comments:

samh said...

All You Haters Suck My Balls

Anonymous said...

Firsty?

Eric N. said...

wow, i did it.

Anonymous said...

Podium at least.

PawnShop said...

Meh.

Anonymous said...

6th!

beltedone said...

beat that lance

tomfrit said...

moin.

hillbilly said...

Life is but a dream

Anonymous said...

top10!

mikeweb said...

Row, row, row your bike...

Anonymous said...

on furday frun quizzes, how do the bonus question work? do i need to get it right to claim i got 100%? or if i get one wrong, can i substitute a correct bonus q for 100%?

Desert Rider said...

peloton

le Correcteur said...

Top twenty! You all are fast!

mikeweb said...

Wow! I'll finally be able to cruise at 12 MPH without fatigue?!? Where do I get one?

AYHSMAP said...

All You Haters Stole My Ass Pedestal!

Anonymous said...

samh sacking it

3G said...

The United Bicycle Institue...

totally as safety school for me this college app season

Il Falco said...

Still descending.

Greedy Bastard said...

Opportunistic Entreprenuer sounds so much better.

Mine! All mine!

Anonymous said...

FIRST!!!!!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Le'go of my Mogo!

ant1 said...

damn samh.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

ride past me on that fuckin' thing one more time, asshole and you'll be dreaming alright - for eternity!

crosspalms said...

Well, with the money I'll save by not buying a Brooks saddle or a helmet with my Dreamslide, I can pick up a few extra dead squirrels for bar-end decoration.

thegock said...

DEAD SQRL

streepo said...

Why did the un-dead squirrel carry its nuts in its mouth?

(un-dead as opposed to undead or zombie squirrel)

mikeweb said...

I have to say, those cockie/ stemie photos are the smuttiest bike porn that's been on here in a while. The upthrust brifters and headlight on the bars to the rear, the fur draped stem on the 'bottom' bars with their bar end shifters dangling seductively, the photo taken at night...

I feel dirty.

Never Knows Best said...

When I first read the ad copy in that dreamslide video I read it as,
"The Dreamslide is light, comical, and extremely handy."

And brutal samh, brutal.

Anonymous said...

It's the poor man's Segway.

ringcycles said...

I don't think that is a dead squirrel stem pad, but the very very rare Robert Millar signature bike sporran. No true cycling Scot would tour with out the carcass of a small mammal as a handlebar bag.

PawnShop said...

Breaking news: traces of plasticizer & clenbuterol detected in samh's keyboard. He's Blog doping and using Post Enhancing Drugs. My minimalist religion forbids that I use any drug with a name longer than six letters ( except on Wednesday ).

jlj said...

Finally a socially conscious use for seatless bikes! They will cure the childhood obesity epic!

Anonymous said...

The dreamslide looks like my raleigh folder with the seat removed. Wow how high tech is that?

samh said...

Dope skills. Floyd Landis' birthday is October 14th.

Anonymous said...

the Dreamslide! that's the most ridiculous thing I've seen since the cyclo-cross bike. What kind of rube would purchase something as silly as that?

leroy said...

Somehow, I am reminded of the eminent historian Carlos "George" Santana's observation: "Those who do not remember chili are condemned to repeat it."

But I may be mis-remembering.

bikesgonewild said...

...i believe, leroy, 'gorge-ess george' also said "chili today, hot tamale"...

grog said...

all you haters suck my spoony flingy thing; terrorize the bombed out runways with a pedalpowered trebuchet.

Udder said...

Bed and breakfasts are creepy. Who wants to stay in a stranger's home? Especially if they are cycling nuts. It's hard enough to avoid them when you're out riding.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

xyxax said...

I am struck by the relaxed geometry of the spoonyflingy bicycle.

Bobby said...

What the hell IS that thing! Oddly reminiscent of a 1980s Moulton (the one with the little wheels, of course) with an extra chromosome, methinks. Snob, awesome Douchery Caught On Tape bombing around the sidewalk. Oh, as if sweating in a three-piece suit is supposed to make the stunt any better.

Or is it to be "sweatless" as the machine is advertised as fatigue-free?

Since it has no seatpost, can we order an artisinal axe holder as an option?

Anonymous said...

DREM SLID
SANS HLMT
DEAD RIDR

Pulverized Concepts said...

Footman: Male servants were paid more than female servants, and footmen were something of a luxury and therefore status symbol even among the servant-employing classes. They performed a less essential role than the cook, maid or even butler, and were part only of the grandest households. Since a footman was for show as much as for use, a tall footman was more highly prized than a short one, and good looks, including well-turned legs, which were shown off by the traditional footman's dress of stockings worn below knee breeches, an advantage. Footmen were expected to be unmarried and tended to be relatively young; they might, however, progress to other posts, notably that of butler. One 19th century footman, William Tayler, kept a diary which has been published. He was, in fact, married; but kept his marriage secret from his employers and visited his family only on his days off.

Once a commonly employed servant in great houses, footmen are much rarer today, as few households can afford large retinues of servants and retainers.

The first footman is the highest ranking and serves as deputy butler; he acts as butler in the butler's absence.

In a larger household, various footmen may be assigned specific duties (for which there may be a traditional sequence), such as the silver specialist, but usually the footmen perform a range of duties which include serving meals, opening and closing doors, carrying heavy items, or moving furniture for the housemaids to clean behind. The footmen may also double as valets, especially for visiting guests.

Chairman: Someone whose job is to carry people in a portable chair, sedan-chair, or similar conveyance.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

bikesgonewild said...

...yawn, senor concept...don't be a 'bozo'...

...as 'chairman of the bored', i'd suggest as long as they keep them little footses movin', bsnyc/rtms can call 'em whatever he likes...just don't call 'im late for his 'bra' sessions...

Anonymous said...

"...and it didn't even have any bike lanes on it. "

Correction..." and it didn't even have any bike lanes on it or those springy things" ....

Paul Bowen said...

Few of you will care but England have just contrived a goalless draw at home to Montebasteringnegro. ffs.

Grand High Falconer of the Duchey of Aquataine said...

I still prefer the Dandy Horse

Wood Stock said...

That squirrel is just sleeping, right?

bikesgonewild said...

...xyxax said...

..."I am struck by the relaxed geometry of the spoonyflingy bicycle"...

...make no mistake, xyxax, that unit has 'variable geometry'...

...it's pictured in it's flaccid state but if that long arm thingy is pulled on & released, it can spring forth into an instant 90* erection faster than, well, the the front of a vestment at a late night choir practice...

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Anil said...

add this to your bicycle evolution.
http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/59af2022-8a2a-471e-bcfc-0a6903b2551b.jpg

Anil said...

add this to your bicycle evolution.
http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2010/10/59af2022-8a2a-471e-bcfc-0a6903b2551b.jpg

hoot79er said...

dood,
'I saw on Fox news once that under "Obamacare" injured footmen must appear before some sort of "death panel" for euthanization.'

wow, beer just came out my nose on that one.

epic!

MyWorld said...

Mogo movement...

Anonymous said...

ROAD KILL

boredofyourshit said...

lamest blog ever. im sure your followers love being showered in cum from your morning masturbatory writing exercises. wank.

knuckles said...

ueat dick

bloodyfuckinknux said...

lame blog

notaslameasyou said...

fuck seat

prolly said...

as for no saddles, ive known that style for a long time and it feels good up my ass, for what it's worth.

myassyourface said...

butt hole

yourfavoritetreat said...

chin nuts

typicaltop3entry said...

first?

bikesnobnyc said...

"i'm a fuckin' good writer"

(coffee shop circa 2008, park slope, jacking off to his first film festival submission... carl lafong)

callitlikeiseeit said...

its 530 on the west side, guess you haters are too busy sucking dick after work to give a shit about commenting on this stupid ass blog.

phuck said...

the podium

theknux said...

lick dick

Grump said...

I need to know where that dreamslide infomercial was shot. All the roads are either flat or downhill.
Also....Can you get an 11 as an option? If you had a LeMonster gear, you could go faster than 20-30 kph

iseethroughyourbullshit said...

so full of yourself...

guess its pretty easy to talk shit on stuff that you actually know about. even lamer that you have to sell it anonymously to people who are actual cyclists. i know who you are. seen you skidding down the manhattan bride on your way back to brooklyn. ive seen you bro down with your writing buddies. it wont be long.

xyxax said...

Hey Grump,

It's Paris: the Trocadero, Pantheon, Champs Elysees...and it's all downhill from there....

Anonymous said...

Looks like some westcoast douchebag has a little too much interest in male body parts

Anonymous said...

Cannondale Carrak.

Klaus Mohn said...

it takes SKILL to make the city of Paris (and the act of riding around in it) look dorky and unattractive. The Dreamslide manages, with brio. Congratulations.

ant1 said...

iseethroughyourbullshit - you know who bikesnob is? dude, you gotta let us know. we've been trying to find out for years, to no avail.

crosspalms said...

"seen you skidding down the manhattan bride"

Has this poor woman pressed charges yet?

Anonymous said...

"...and the four riders of the apocalypse shall slide in on horses made of dreams..."

honestly though if i can get some tiny mismatched aerospoke wheels for that little rocket sled then they've got their first 'merican customer.

LITI GATE said...

I knew I should have sued over that pothole that broke my collarbone!

My lack of attention and skill had nothing to do with it, it's the fault of the city!

printed promotional bags said...

funny picture here.

Anonymous said...

I've never seen people racist about bikes before.

There is a whole other world out there

Cash For Gold Scams said...

don't make me fool....

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