Monday, September 27, 2010

Untenable Positions: Contortionist Cockpits

Firstly, at the risk of being even more irritating than usual, I'd like to gratuitously remind you once again that this Friday, October 1st, I will be visiting Landry's bike shop in Boston, MA. Normally, a bike shop visit means trying on a bunch of shoes and sunglasses, asking a bunch of stupid questions, and then ordering the stuff online, but in this case it means I will be having a "BRA," or "Book-Related Appearance." (Though I might also try on a bunch of bib shorts and not buy them, in which case you might want to thoroughly wash any purchases you make at Landry's after Friday.) If you want to get into my BRA on Friday night, it begins at 7:00pm, and here are the details:


Not only will there be "light refreshments" (please RSVP so they can make sure to have enough soft cheeses or whatever they're serving) but there will also be a pre-BRA ride at 4:00pm. If you're considering taking part in this ride, I've gone ahead and "curated" a brief "FAQ:"

What is the route?

Why are you asking me? Ask Landry's. I don't know from Boston. I'll be following you.

Will it be a hammerfest? Should I "run" my Zipps?

No! The organizers of this ride are under strict instructions from me to make sure this ride is leisurely and that there is no undue physical exertion. Feel free to "palp" your Dutch bike, recumbent, or cargo bike full of borrowed children. If you're looking to go fast, I hear there's some kind of "cyclo-cross" race that weekend up near the Gorton's fish stick factory.

Will it be a theme ride like they have in Portland?

No! This is New England, where people are dour and hardworking, and where people race the "cyclo-cross" in gender-appropriate clothing. However, if you'd like to dress as your favorite "Good Will Hunting" character and/or Larry Bird you are more than welcome to do so in the spirit of religious freedom upon which the Pilgrims founded this great nation.

What happens if it rains?

New England weather is famously predictable, especially at this time of year, and rain is extremely unlikely. Therefore no contingency plans have been made. However, in the unlikely event of adverse weather, we can always go to the real-life Cheers bar and reenact our favorite scenes.

What does "FAQ" stand for?

Feeble-Assed Quakers.

Secondly, last week I implied that there was nothing of real interest at Interbike. However, clearly I was mistaken, for Campione Cycles has informed me that one exhibitor has finally solved the age-old problem of digital and genital deafness:

While sufferers of genital deafness in particular are often too ashamed to discuss their problem openly, it is far more common than you might think. Genital deafness can occur in both males and females, and anybody who's ever experienced it knows how difficult it can be. Indeed, in severe cases you're sometimes forced to put your genitals right up to someone's mouth in order to hear them, which can cause additional embarrassment as well as possibly STDs and even inadvertent orgasms.

In fact, the very same person who spotted the genital deafness cure also spotted everybody's favorite affable German masochist, Jens Voigt, signing a woman's posterior:

At least, I assume he's signing her posterior, though it could simply be that she's suffering from genital deafness and has asked Voigt to kindly speak into her crotch. Notice also that she's attending Interbike in a skinsuit for maximum mobility and aerodynamics. You don't want your billowy jersey to get snagged on the latest laterally stiff and vertically plagiarized Specialized design rip-off while rounding a tight corner.

Speaking of rounding tight corners, the Daily News reports that some messengers attempted to promote cycling in Queens this past weekend by holding an alleycat called "BLVDS of DEATH:"

Yes, the best way of raising awareness and encouraging cyclists to ride in Queens is by promising the participants that they might die:

"We want to show people the wild side of Queens. We want to show you the crazy, fast roads that Queens has that a lot of cyclists would like if they ventured out of Manhattan," said Negron.

You sort of have to feel sorry for bike messengers--and even more so the people who still imitate them. Not only is the demand for messengers disappearing, but thanks to this new wave of bike-friendliness so are their dangerous streets. As a result, it's becoming increasingly difficult for people to sell themselves as outlaws, since they're now grossly outnumbered by people in sundresses riding Dutch bikes. They're like a bunch of self-styled piranhas in a rapidly-evaporating pond. This is why more and more people are getting on bikes and enjoying the new amenities, while they're desperately looking for places where they can still get themselves killed. This prospect is especially irresistible to NĂ¼-Freds, even though it's like taking a vacation to India based entirely on the fact that it's one of the few remaining places where you might still catch leprosy.

Meanwhile, in terms of image and risk, the antithesis of a messenger-organized Queens death ride is a popular search engine-"curated" human-powered monorail, to which a number of readers have recently alerted me:

Of course, Wired's cycling coverage is notoriously short-sighted, and it's readily apparent that they've missed the project's enormous potential for awesomeness:

Can you imagine how sweaty and stinky these things would become? If I’m going to pedal something to get somewhere, it’s going to be using a bike that can actually turn and take me to my destination. Moreover, these things are bound to be slow, and will probably need a large staff of attendants, like a theme-park ride, to ensure that people get on and off safely.

That’s about the best one could hope for.

Really, that's the best one can hope for? Frankly, I think this is a great idea. Not only does the "Schweeb" human-powered monorail promise to solve the problem of drinking and cycling once and for all, but it also opens up all sorts of new and exciting "hotboxing" possibilities, and I predict every college campus in America will be equipped with a "Schweeb" system by 2020. Also, you don't need to be some sort of popular search engine-employed genius to know that our Earth's atmosphere will be toxic in the near future, and that we will need Plexiglas shells around our bicycles to protect us from noxious gas, the carcinogenic rays of the post-Apocalyptic sun, and the flesh-ripping claws of the undead.

Speaking of mutants, last Friday I announced that I would be holding the First Annual BSNYC/RTMS Cockpit of the Year Award (otherwise known as the "Cockies") and I'm pleased to announce the competition is already off to a rollicking start. Consider, for example, this perky-eared number:

The barends allow for the non-aerodynamic and not particularly comfortable "Crocodile Dundee" hand position:


From another contestant comes this minimalist cockpit design:

"Halve-and-chop" bars are clearly the new "flop-and-chop."

Also, from "Slice Harvester" comes this decidedly more performance-inspired setup:


The STI levers are positioned ideally for on-the-bike bicep-flexing:

Though keep in mind riding in this position for prolonged periods can cause genital deafness.

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

!tsrif

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

!tsrif

Anonymous said...

Boo-yah! Or words to that effect.

Anonymous said...

sorry for double posting, but i got overexcited!
i had never firsted before...

Spencer said...

Here

Cycling For Beginners said...

Top ten? Meh.

What is fixiefights? said...

http://fixiefights.blogspot.com/

murphstahoe said...

I nominate this one for cockpit of the year...

University RR

ringcycles said...

Wow, that was an early start time.

Chris said...

WHY CAN'T I BE FIRST?

You SUCK!!

hillbilly said...

early bird gets the genital deafness, otherwise known as Hearpes.

Thank you, try the fish.

hillbilly said...

or the Clap?

Anonymous said...

14ter!

Anonymous said...

Boom!

Anonymous said...

topp 20!

tittkorv, 43 said...

I don't know from Boston. What does that mean?

g said...

hillbilly,
what is the sound of one genital clapping?

Klaus Mohn said...

Feeble Ass-Quaker.

Anonymous said...

Pilgrims = Massachusetts
Quakers = Pennsylvania

Anonymous said...

Hey Dumbass! amish are from pennsylvania,
Puritans
Pilgrims Are all from
Quakers Massachusetts

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Bobby said...

Getting to the BSNYC podium requires a contortionist cockpit. Guess I'll share my time with the Peleton. Awesome post, as usual, Sir Snob. I liked the top tube brake lever. If you crash with that, I think you might suffer some genital deafness. I don't want to be around for the lever removal!

Contra Pion said...

Support Victims of Genital Deafness!

DEFG NTLS

ICNT HRYU

NUMB BUTT

Anonymous said...

Hey, did anyone else see the Snugli-clad dog time trial lady on Saturday's Escape NY bike ride? Like tandem riders, think she had to pay registration for two bodies?

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Whooooo! Double mention!

You will have to speak up though... And perhpas move your face a little closer.

mikeweb said...

@ Anon 12:38,

I did witness that at the Rockland Lake rest stop. My only hope was that she kept the doggie hydrated too.

Anonymous said...

"Guess I'll share my time with the Peleton."

Peleton = Brazilian-themed soccer robot?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Interbike report:

Didn't get there til mid-day on Friday, so all the "celebrities" had long since grown tired of the bores and the boors, and had no doubt departed for one of Vegas's fine Gentleman's Clubs. No Eddy Merckx, no Jens Voight.

Not unlike female genetalia, high-zoot carbon fiber racing bikes are thrilling to see at first, but after seeing the 100th in a row, they all start to look alike and they lose their ability to get a rise out of you.

The highlight for me was seeing the yellow Specialized Contador rode on the Champs Elyesee, Cancalera's Shiv time-trial machine and Andy Schleck's Paris-Roubais bike.

The Eddy Merckx booth included a $21,000 special edition celebrating his legendary accomplishments, including a deep-dish rear wheel upon which each and every victory is inscribed. It took pretty small print to fit them all on. They are making 200; 53 are sold so far. They said that the only US sale so far was to Robin Williams.

Another highlight for me wasn't on display or for sale. It was the attendee in the "Dirk Hoffman Mobile Homes" t-shirt.

leroy said...

Anon 12:38 --

I enjoyed the Escape New York ride Saturday.

But I didn't see the time trialing woman and diminutive dog.

And imagine my embarrassment when I learned it was not a John Carpenter's "Escape From New York" theme ride.

Still a great ride with great gelato at the end.

Now I just have to figure out what to do with that Ernest Borgnine as "Cabby" costume I made.

Rosa DeLauro said...

This is some good s*it!!!

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc/rtms...you have a new look since i briefly met you in sf...

...you've grown a little goatee...stylin', bro...

Anonymous said...

Ugh, barf.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...

...limited appeal t-shirt but classic among the cognoscente...

...i dig it...

Anonymous said...

Please speak loudly into the, um, microphone.

"Guppy" Honaker said...

Hey there "Bike Snob" - I hope you had a great time in Boston. Would like to have met you . . . alas, in Phoenix now. How I love Phoenix, but how I also loved Boston and her people. SO MANY MORE places to bike in Boston than Phoenix. Boston is a very bike-friendly city, Phoenix - well, not so much.

- David

Aloe Vera 101
Holistic Health Info.

Anonymous said...

Ok, this was weird: Last Friday you announced your cockpit contest. Late that afternoon I was walking down a busy street and I hear this odd squawk-like yelling. I look over, and it's this guy riding along, no-hands,arms akimbo. Every few pedal strokes he emits this strange yelp.
I notice his bike is one of those crazy, multiple bar-end jobs.
The thing is, I realized until that afternoon, I had never seen anyone riding one of those crazy bikes, and duh, the guy riding it looked crazy.

Comment deleted said...

Fairly certain that McSquirt would not hit it.

Excuse me; I have an appointment with an "audiologist".

RANTWICK said...

AYHSMB - All You Hear Silenced My Balls

Buffalo Bill said...

Not wanting to get in the way of campionecycles self-promotion, but the link in the post is broken. The Calgary link works ok. Nice shop, not that I can afford anything they sell. Wonder if they'll take a few buffalo robes in trade for a BMC?

Large Marge said...

SELL SELF

leroy said...

Actually, now that I think about it, I may have seen the time trialing doggie at Rockland Lake rest area. I can't be sure because I was paying more attention to the chocolate chip cookies.

But I do recall riding down the GWB ramp behind a guy on a folding bike exhorting his daughter riding ahead of him not to walk through the U-Turn. Kids on bikes should get a free pass to walk when they have to. And besides, it wasn't like she had electronic shifters that would irk a celebrity bike blogger.

Dave said...

I expect that the Halve and Chop was designed to allow the rider maximum hand signaling opportunities and ensure that he is compliant with all local signaling-related laws. Or maybe just flip the bird continuously.

Thanks for the heads up on your vsit to Landry's. They are my favorite LBS, though I frequent their Natick store. Hope I can make it on Friday.

Anonymous said...

All you haters speak directly to my balls.

AYHS DTMB

Anonymous said...

I'm starting my own contest. I've been on an epic journey, searching for a universal symbol for sarcasm. After many many minutes in the WWW I've come up with 2. The classic ;), and *sarcasm*.
As you can sea-I'm not all that creative. So i call out on bended knee to all the readers of this blog, "help". The winner of my contest won't win anything tangable.(minimalist award)But you can tell everybody that you are the one that did it!!!

Fierce Panties said...

When I was younger my genitalia were blind. Luckily I never caught anything.

g said...

While I am not entirely sure if my genitals are deaf, if their behavior has taught me one thing, it's that they certainly are dumb.

Anonymous said...

Murphstahoe, you may want to double check Snobs post from last Friday outlining the specific and uncompromising Cockie Award entry procedure: By email with subject header I WANNA COCKIE. I think Snob would take any opportunity to reduce the effort of selecting a winner by instantly and carelessly disqualifying any entry that doesn't appear to meet one petty requirement or another. I'm surprised he didn't list a bunch of other rules to assist in whittling the field down further, but I guess you have to weigh up the effort of writing the rules versus the effort they save you. Especially when all you really have to do to pick a winner is close your eyes and point at your email inbox. ce

Anonymous said...

What?

Anonymous said...

What?

Visegripmikey said...

So the Shweeb is designed around 200 meter efforts, cool downhill sections (to recreate a bicycle version of "The Birds") and starts with someone doing a run-n-shove?

Neat-o.

Anonymous said...

What?

Anonymous said...

What?

Anonymous said...

Speak up, I can't hear a thing you're saying!

Doug said...

My genitalia may not be deaf, but they sure don't listen to reason!

Anonymous said...

Industrial deafness:

http://twitpic.com/tccpz

ce

Anonymous said...

If you are wondering what these genital hearing aids look like, don't Popular Search Engine the phrase without eye wash equipment and materials close at hand. Yikes.

CommieCanuck said...

So that's why Phonak sponsored Floyd Landis.

Anonymous said...

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be crotch whisperers
Don't let them pick crotches and ride old 10-speeds
Let them be doctors and lawyers and shit

grog said...

Top hundred.
My deaf uncle was a 4-star genital in the great BLVD DETH alleycat race.

frilly said...

Genital deafness might not be so bad. After all, aren't the other senses enhanced when one is disabled?

Toucha, toucha, touch me!

Fred said...

Now I understand where the word "muffled" comes from. Cool.

Of course, being a Fred, my penis is of the recumbent type and so is rarely ridden without embarassment.

MyWorld said...

Dour Power

Fred said...

CC@3:26

Brilliant.

So that was actually a hearing aid Floyd applied to his taint?

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

Au contraire, I'd turn up my hearing aids. Then I'd hit it.

bikesgonewild said...

...congratulate me...

...i just stopped myself from making a really tacky, kinda gross "genitalia joke", even though it fit the thread...

...i typed it in but i grossed myself out, so i "erased" just to spare you guys...

...i could practically "hear" the responses...

crosspalms said...

"Guess I'll share my time with the peleton."
Obviously commenter meant to say "share my time with the Pelotones" -- the biker band so loud even deaf genitalia can hear them. Make that Deaf Genitalia, another band, opening (so to speak) for the Pelotones. What?

MyWorld said...

Woody:"What's goin' down, Mr. Peterson?
Norm:"My cheeks on this bar stool"

Disgruntl Ed. said...

69th! What a conversation!

Viva Bad Lawyer!

Anonymous said...

Anyone going to Rotorua for the SS worlds can try a shweeb at an 'extreme' amusement park over there.

Although riding the trails would be more fun.

Ros DeLauro said...

@fixiefights. WTF?? That is some bad sh*t, do we really need another Fixie site, FixieFights? I need some efinn poppers....damn it!

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

@buffalo bill. Bison skins? Sure! Perhaps we enter into an arrangement of some sort. A treaty if you will. @commiecanuck. Brilliant.
Bikesnob. Any Canadian bra dates? I have a couch you sleep on and a shop fridge full of lucky extra.

Ivana Fofonov said...

momma warned me about going blind, but deaf too?!?

Anonymous said...

Speaking of ripping off ideas, I think Kent Erikson designed something very similiar to the monorail thing 'back in the day" with Moots.

CommieCanuck said...

momma warned me about going blind, but deaf too?!?

You can do it until you need glasses and a hearing aid.

(damn, it's hard to type with these tiny letters and this damned ringing in my ears)

Anonymous said...

Schweeb Schweeb
Schweaty Dweeb
Stanky Stoopid
Google Bomb

Octavian said...

That google stink capsule kinda reminds me of the SkyBike at the Franklin Institute in Philly...

http://tinyurl.com/2fapyxc

beltedone said...

Dear Mr. Snob - If your publisher held a BRA for you in the Lehigh Valley (Genesis Bicycles, Bike Line or Performance Bikes are all good), millions would come to sing your praises and worship you for the demi-god you are. You might even sell some books.

cycle2747

Anonymous said...

Lemond = douche
Landis = double douche (or douche douche)

No wait....

Lemond = double douche...

Anonymous said...

I regret, that I can help nothing. I hope, you will find the correct decision.

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fixie bikes said...

"Feeble-Assed Quakers."

Stop that, it means frequently asked questions.