Tuesday, April 6, 2010

In Transition: Livable Streets, Lovable Lenses

As you may know, over the last decade or so New York City has been undergoing a gradual de-clawing, de-voicing, de-fanging, and general neutering process. Some New Yorkers resent this, and they feel as though the city has been stripped of some essential component of its character that survives only in movies like "Taxi Driver" and "Midnight Cowboy." Others welcome it, and they support the sort of progressive urban planning that results in what some people refer to as "Livable Streets."

Of course, there's something absurd about pining for blight, and the truth is that there are still plenty of rough neighborhoods here to which these resentful New Yorkers are more than welcome to move and act out their Velvet Underground-era fantasies and/or sell themselves with the aid of a pimp who's slowly dying of consumption. At the same time though, as the "Livable Streets" trend continues the streets are increasingly only "livable" to those who can afford to pay like $2,000 for a one-bedroom apartment. Still, I suppose that even if you're broke you can still enjoy the "Livable Streets" by sitting down in those new public plazas, and this seems like a good thing. Here's one near Columbus Circle:

As you can see, where once there was simply traffic, there are now happy pedestrians enjoying the vehicular exhaust and awaiting an out-of-control taxi like so many bowling pins. Furthermore, the city is committed to creating more of these public plazas, and the Department of Transportation is now accepting proposals. I've been working on my own proposal, and it focuses not on an individual neighborhood, but on the city as a whole. Behold the "Portland Plaza:"

Outdoor living, traffic-calming, bicycle-friendly streets--all of these are hallmarks of both "Livable Streets" and of Portland, Oregon. Furthermore, New York City appears to want to become Portland anyway. So why not simply install a giant Portland right in the middle of New York? Not only does it include an excellent cycling and public transit infrastructure already in situ, but it also comes with a bunch of breweries as well as like half a million smug yet amiable residents who require little beyond ready access to fair trade coffee and whimisical trinkets to weave into their blond dreadlocks. Indeed, installing a Portland in New York will be no more difficult than sliding a 10-speed cassette onto a freehub or assembling a piece of Ikea furniture. Not only are the rivers compatible:

But the people in Williamsburg, Brooklyn won't even notice the difference. In fact, the state of Oregon would be wise to consider licensing Portland, because once we get one everyone else will want one too. Soon, every city in America will know the joys of owning its very own Portland--a little place where you can go to enjoy your lunch break, ride your bicycle unmolested, and generally savor the laid-back vibe that is the by-product of relatively mild weather and a 25-hour work week. Best of all, though, you can easily leave when the smugness becomes too cloying.

Speaking of selling things, yesterday I mentioned the commercials that aired on Versus during the Tour of Flanders, and a reader subsequently informed me that, had I been watching live on the Internet, I would have gotten to see Tyler Farrar star in this commercial for Transitions Optical:



When Garmin-Slipstream first announced the acquisition of Transitions as a sponsor, they explained that this would allow them to reduce "visual fatigue." Presumably, thus liberated from the need to squint, they would ride wide-eyed and crow's feet-free to victory. This commercial, however, takes a different approach. Unfortunately, the ad is in a language I don't really understand, but I think I've got a good sense of it. First, we see Farrar in his garage, his lenses clear since he's in the dark:

Then, when he emerges into the sunlight, his Transitions Optical lenses become dark to protect his eyes from the deadly rays of the post-"Inconvenient Truth" sun:

Of course, because he's Tyler Farrar, by the time he reaches the end of the driveway he's already brought his flat-bar city bike up to a speed of 45mph:

But this isn't the only benefit of wearing Transitions Optical--they also have a lesser-known but equally important "pick-up" function. As Farrar rides, he sees an attractive woman walking with a young girl:

Naturally, Farrar wants to introduce himself, but if the girl is her daughter that could mean she's married. (Of course, if Farrar was Italian he would hit on her regardless of her marital status, but this is not the case.) Then again, if she's not married, or if the girl is not her daughter, Farrar will have squandered an opportunity. So, he catches her attention:

At which point her glasses turn demurely dark, implying that she is indeed unavailable:

Farrar's glasses in turn allow her to see just enough of his eyes to convey that he apologizes for the mistake:

Had the woman been available, her glasses would have remained clear, or even displayed a pair of hearts. Likewise, if Farrar were less of a gentleman and had opted instead to follow her down the street while lasciviously staring at her posterior, the glasses would have turned completely opaque to allow him to continue leering undetected. Apparently, Transitions are already at work on a line of underpants with "adaptive crotch" properties based on a similar principle.

In other Flanders news, while browsing a VeloNews Flanders team bike gallery I noticed an interesting variation on the "disembodied hand:"

Clearly, instead of leaving his hand on the bike in traditional "disembodied hand" fashion, he instead tried to remove it for a split second, hoping that the photographer could time the shot properly and make it seem as though the bike were standing up on its own. Unfortunately, though, they didn't quite pull it off:

Still, you've got to admit that Pengo is pretty quick on the draw, and I suggest that you watch your wallet around him. I also bet that he could pinch a married woman's posterior on the streets of Roma in less time than it takes for her Transitions glasses to go from "available" to "sexual assault."

Of course, you don't need costly Transitions glasses to make eyes at somebody. Sometimes, even a pair of "Bar Mitzvah sunglasses" is sufficient:

ran into you (literally) on my bike the bk bridge - m4w - 20 (bk bridge, bk side)
Date: 2010-04-05, 8:34AM EDT
Reply To This Post

you: cute hipster girl. white, mid-20s.
me: 25 y/o white male. riding my black bike over the bk bridge toward manhattan.
black shirt. black/white striped shorts. gray helmet. camo messenger bag. bar mitzvah sunglasses.

yesterday - sunday. roughly 3pm. on the bk bridge, closer to bk than manhattan.
bridge was a fucking nightmare.
people/tourists everywhere.
you might have been with your family.
you walked into the bike path and i couldn't avert you.
you made sure i didn't run you over.
our eyes met.
i rode off.
let's collide again.



The poster is obviously a model NĂ¼-Fred, but I had never heard of "Bar Mitzvah sunglasses" so I plugged the term into a popular search engine. Here's what I learned:

I too attended Bar Mitzvahs "back in the day," but I do not recall ever receiving a pair of sunglasses as a party favor. I do remember overindulgent parents providing t-shirts, caricatures, and in one extravagant case even having Z100 DJ Scott Shannon on hand to sign autographs (I did not get on that line, opting instead to use the distraction as an opportunity to forage for alcohol at the empty tables). Maybe I passed out before sunglasses time.

Really, the problem with Bar Mitzvah sunglasses is that they're big and clunky novelties, which is something they share in common with the Blockhead stem I mentioned yesterday. As it happens, I was catching up on my emails yesterday when I noticed that I had also received an email direct from the designers over the weekend, and so I found myself pondering its potentially knee-and-crotch-wrecking stupidity yet again:

The more I think about it, the more certain I am that the only thing this stem is useful for is "elephant trunk skid" aversion therapy. Nevertheless, not only are they selling this thing, but they're also allowing people to share the design through a Creative Commons license. Yes, thank you Blockhead designers, for sharing with the world the concept of a rectangle with an integrated nail clipper:

It's the perfect solution for the "hipster" who likes to groom while on the go.

As poor a design as this is, perhaps the most absurd aspect of this stem is the website copy, which claims that "brake levers tend to be massive, take up a lot of handlebar space, and have levers that are much longer than they need to be." I suppose this may be true when you ride no faster than 12mph and your handlebars are no wider than a Tofu Pup, but I think the rest of us would probably agree that the current selection of brake levers is more or less appropriately sized given their function. However, I will acknowledge that some levers do not go well with some bars. Here's one example, which was forwarded to me by a reader who saw it on Jeremy Powers's Twitter:


I could be wrong, but to my knowledge this "epic" hydraulic cockpit setup is the first recorded instance of a pair of master cylinders that double as aero bars. Furthermore, it may very well be the missing link between offroad riding and triathlon. It's the "Aerosquatch."

104 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG FIRTS

nombei said...

korea says "ahnyong haseyo!"

Kevin said...

binyah!

StillNotworking said...

Top 10!

andye said...

rock

Bod said...

Top ten!

Anonymous said...

Oh no!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

10,000 Aches said...

Training is paying off!!

hillbilly said...

it's so early....

Bad Lawyer said...

early bird

ant1 said...

snobby - Likewise, if Farrar were less of a gentleman and had opted instead to follow her down the street the while lasciviously staring at her posterior

Steven said...

The Snob Effect is in no way slowed by the undoing of your secret ID. Bravo.

Anonymous said...

Wish I'd had a blockhead when I took this photo!

Http://mobiuscycle.com/node/370

Nick said...

last!

Bad Lawyer said...

I may have said this before, not that anyone is paying a whit's bit of attention but--drop handlebars persist because once accustomed to them, and admittedly it takes some doing--the format is the most ergonomic giving your hands and wrists multiple places to relieve stress including at least one perfectly neutral position--full tuck. As I've gotten older, the need to relieve pressure on my wrists has become a priority. Lots of cute fads in the "cockpit" department, but usually the kids I see riding these bikes are on texting or otherwise engaged. I know, Snob, I'm being redundant--this beiung one of your overarching themes.

So anyway, I'm out on the road over the weekend and I see a young woman coming up the parkway in the opposite direction with some sort of asymetric hump on her back. As I get closer, I realize I am seeing a woman with a backpack and the dachsund of time hanging out staring at the wild, and not-so-wildlife.

Cool, huh! Happy Spring.

Cav Not said...

Not so good sensations.

Fierce Panties said...

Top 20

Blank said...

But Snob you've missed the point. The Blockhead only furthers the emasculation of hipsters thereby insuring their long term demise. The only problem is that as a replacement these emasculated creatures will start getting into guns later in life leading to a boom in NRA membership and Republicans right here in good old NYC.

shoegazer said...

boo•nen

rezado said...

hi-rez

mikeweb said...

Snob,

I can't believe it - no mention of this today. Then again, maybe not the best idea in the face of taintal purism...

I'm even too embarrassed to post it to my 'Visagetome' profile.

Gumby said...

I don't like the blockhead.

sufferist said...

Early post...nice

I'd rather brake than be fixed said...

I will not be riding to work on the cylinders.

Salty Seattle said...

Tsk, tsk, Snobbie.

Hardcover?

Please tell me 'le book' is is constructed of only the sick or lame trees that need to be culled from the herd. I'm consuming all my media 'digitally' these days to preserve our trees.

Take your time; I'll wait.

Anyway, I'm also wondering when the new Portland Plazas will 'drop'. I'm hoping to install one in my cubicle for better Wednesdays. Will they be up on Etsy?

Anyway,

CommieCanuck said...

Fuck trees.

Yeah, I'm joining the anti-environmental movement. I print out Snob's blog every day, read it, then burn the paper.I wrote this on paper, then got my helper monkey to type it in.

debichan1a said...

mikeweb. that is a funny video.

Salty Seattle said...

Wow, CC!

Hadn't thought of fucking trees.

I guess so. They are attractive, and .. Uh.. Big.

Can they be excited, 'digitally'?

Do tell. I Canadians! I always learn so much!

Fierce Panties said...

Snob,
Travis Bickle talked about livable streets to Senator Palantine when he was his fare. He predicted that a "real rain that will come and wash all the scum off the street."

Travis Bickle was a real prophet.

Anonymous said...

what is this livable streets push actually? are they trying to make the streets more livable for the homeless, who are the only people who unfortunately have to live on the streets.

Trees? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Trees! said...

CC,
I trust you used a wood match to burn that paper! I also trust that you keep Pine Borer Beetles as pets (or is that "pest"?)!

The Only Band That Matters said...

Fierce Panties,
Isn't that a line from our song "Red Angel Dragnet" off of our album "Combat Rock"?
Yours truly,
Joe Strummer (deceased)

Paul Bowen said...

@Bad Laywer: I'm about six weeks into the process of getting used to a drop handlebar and starting to agree with you. The bike has an extra set of brake levers on the top of the bar so I have another position I can use safely in dense traffic. I try to get into full tuck sometime on every ride, for as long as my fondness for beer will allow without too much discomfort, in order to gradually 'acclimatise' myself. All working out quite well so far, just loving the bike.

Anonymous said...

CC, I wouldn't be too hasty in your derision of trees, without trees we would have no (paper) money. Then where would we be? we would be up the creek without a paddle, literally, because they are made out of trees.

Jefe said...

Yesterday, I traveled to visit the livable streets of NYC with my son who was recently accepted at a university in lower Manhattan. I hope the streets are livable since the school wants $36K merely for a year's tuition. I could buy bikes for Saxobank and have my name on their kits for what it will cost after four years of college.

Udder said...

NYC already has Portland as part of it. It's called Brooklyn.

frilly said...

Tyler looks so much better with short hair.

Y'know, Snob, seeing your pics of NYC make me think its high time for a visit. Now obviously no re-enactments of 'under the bridge' since you're unavailable, but sure I'd like to stand in the middle of the bike lane & gaze at the skyline.

Definitely would have to find a way to the Spoon.

innerlighter said...

Commie,
Seems like you've really got wood on this issue. But if you don't branch out into different sources of stationary, pretty soon there won't be any trees left. Then you'll get all sappy as you pine away for your precious paper.

Maybe I best leave this one alone at this point.

meh

OBA said...

Whycome livable streets = gentrification?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Billy Reid said...

UCI is going to be all over that CX-aero collabo like a hipster on PBR.

I just sold off the last of my 3:1 rule violation gear (at huge losses). Now i'm going to have to change the setup on all my CX bikes.

Evan said...

Snob, is that your stem on the Aerosquatch?

Billy Reid said...

Bad Lawyer:

Couldn't you get us some pictures from your multi-position roost atop the drop bars?

Anonymous said...

Hell yeah I've longed for those "missed encounters/collisions" ads.
Maybe it's the romantic in me, but I too would love to collide with a beautiful? hipster fraulein. Too bad I'm in Euroland, and the closest I might get would be to run into an elderly lady down on sedatives, walking her dog much too near to a kerb.

db said...

One of your employers, Snob, just put Minneapolis ahead of Portland. Having visited both, I actually agree with them. The Twin Cities don't do tweed, and the beer is every bit as good.

Anonymous said...

TOFU PUPP
+
TOPR AMEN
=
MYLU NCH!

ervgopwr said...

Track season starts tonight!

dignan said...

Top Ramen.

All You Haters Neuter My Metropolis.

red neckerson said...

rikim gots the libary lady distracted

something abouts want to see my jihad or something

so i gets to make a long post and its damm overdo

the new hipster sport out to be tree riding

climb up a tree and have one of your friends chop it down he gots to be careful so when the tree falls over your on the top side or the hole experience aint all that much fun

for you dummass commies i guess you could whip it out and fuck the tree on the way down i guess that wood make you a woodpecker

billy bob just pissed on hisself becos hes laffing so hard

as far as moving portland why wood you move it to new yark i mean youd have to move a bunch of streets and yankees and shit to make room fer it

you could move it to viper and it aint taking no effort at all just level the damm trailer park and chop down a bunch of fucking trees and there you go

im saying its a good ideal

Ronsonic said...

Y'know that integrated stem and brake lever would be pretty damn slick if it wasn't a giant block of sharp edged fucking metal.

Hey kids, I got a really cool idea to integrate essential components, reduce their profile and save weight and smooth the visuals. What can we do to totally fuck it up?

correcteur said...

Anonymous at 1:06pm, regarding trees and paper money.

Not true. US bills are made of all cotton rag paper, manufactured in Massachusetts by Crane and Co. paper. In fact most really good paper is made of cotton rag, not of tree pulp, though all books as far as I know are tree pulp, even the archival ones.

Just sayin . . .

ant1 said...

are you saying money doesn't grow on trees?

CommieCanuck said...

I trust you used a wood match to burn that paper! I also trust that you keep Pine Borer Beetles as pets

No wood matches, I keep a small smoldering forest fire outside at all times and ignite the paper there, after I use mache to make an effigy to Al Gore.

F'in trees, they just ruin the view.

CommieCanuck said...

But if you don't branch out into different sources of stationary, pretty soon there won't be any trees left. Then you'll get all sappy as you pine away for your precious paper.

But that's ok, I was 286,223rd in line for an iPad this weekend. Once we all have iPads, Steve Jobs can get rid of all those pesky trees.
Dogs will just have to use urinals like the rest of us. F'in dogs.

CommieCanuck said...

Hey kids, I got a really cool idea to integrate essential components, reduce their profile and save weight and smooth the visuals. What can we do to totally fuck it up?

CNC mill them out of Waterford crystal, then glue razor blade fragments all over the surface, then dip in Brazilian frog poison.

Bad Lawyer said...

Billy Reid--

That would require multi-tasking, and I've already pretty well established that I'm not competent at single tasking. And what would I photograph? Deer, dachsunds, drops, wrists, Uranus in a Pear Isumi chamois? I don't think so.

Anonymous said...

I agree nombei bikesnob is an ahnoyng asheyo

JeFF said...

That hydro set-up is EPIC!

And that stem reminds me of my DH stem...same design, but obviously the integrated lever is missing.

A fellow mech at the shop wears Transitions...they'd be cool if only they transitioned between light and dark as speedy as they do in the commercials...not so much in real life.

Anonymous said...

You know what else is made out of cotton rag paper? Tampons, that's what!

Salty Seattle said...

Hot Damn!

You guys have seen trees fucking? Is it hot, like good porn, or kinda funny like dacshunds?

A) I need to get out more. Maybe these trees are reproducing faster, therefore generating such a need, by some, for extermination. So much to understand these days.

B) I love you all.

C) Fuck Steve Jobs. Until he makes the world's awesomest Vibrator, I ain't listening.

Anonymous said...

scrodium

I am the engine. said...

"...but it also comes with a bunch of breweries as well as like half a million smug yet amiable residents who require little beyond ready access to fair trade coffee and whimisical trinkets to weave into their blond dreadlocks."
What a phenomenal sentence, unfortunately those smug portland residents seem to also have some urban-collabo problems: methamphatmine addiction, prostitution, veneral disease, crazy expensive food, crazy expensive real estate.

Shit, it is just like new york, with less traffic, that is the only thing that makes it appear more livable.

Portland does not have the naked cowboy, who I understand is no longer naked?

Gentrification sucks.

Anonymous said...

You can't leer through "totally opaque" - lasciviously or otherwise.

The Willamette flows South to North - so may be an issue with dropping it into the Big Stanky which (I believe) flows opposite. Might make for some bitchin' waves though!

ant1 said...

speaking of trees fucking, atlanta is currently covered in a layer of yellow tree sperm. a vegetable bukake of sorts. don't breathe the yellow snow.

Anonymous said...

Could we get a clarification please...is "Eben" short for "Ebenezer?"

Thank you.

Fred said...

Vegetable bukkake is a common Portland dish. We use local, sustainable vegetables and a cadre of vegan "slow-drippers."

Never Knows Best said...

There is a medical term for boning down trees: dendrophilia.

I'm not sure what is more disturbing; the mental images from the tree-sex discussion or the certain knowledge that if there is a medical condition named after the act there are a whole lot of people out there who actually consummated their forbidden tree love.

Makes me think far less poorly of 'tree huggers'. They are a model of restrain in comparison.

whir said...

All of this constant harping on the unbearable smugness of Portlanders and Xtracyclists is beginning to make me think that perhaps the lady doth protest too much. It hasn't really been my experience of either one of those communities, but maybe the West Coast insouciance of Portlanders comes off as smugness to status-conscious East Coasters, when it's really just an artifact of being laid back (and Wednesday weed).

BikeSnobNYC said...

Whir,

We are just jealous.

--BSNYC

Kathleen McDade (of Portland) said...

So if New York wants to be Portland, and Portland wants to be Amsterdam (or maybe Copenhagen), where does that leave you? Back in New Amsterdam?

[ducking]

Anonymous said...

bikesnob, I believe anon 5:00 asked if eben was short for ebeneezer. answer pls.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 5:00 & 6:42, we went over this last week -- try to keep up...

Snob's brother is named Eeser Weiss.

Anonymous said...

Ebenezer would be a very cool name, if you came out of the closet about it and told everyone, "Hi, my name is Ebenezer."

But if you kept trying to conceal it, it could be the target of ongoing teasing.

Salty Seattle said...

To the Anons-

Welcome to the party!

Three years ago, I was anonymous. More anonymous than I am now anyway. Yes, I was a bit of a pipsqueak, watching the likes of Commie, BGW, and a rather verbose guy named Jim, whom, if I remember correctly, used to tussle up with Prolly frequently. (yes, Jim used to write comments much longer than even BL.--luv ya BL.)

It would also happen that every now and then, Snob's true identity became a matter for discussion.

It's taken all this time, but Snob has revealed his 'true identity' (phssh--whatever that means.). So, will he take another few years before he answers this directly, or will he prove to be hopped up on the madness of success, and spraypaint your answer all over the Williamsburg Bridge?

Salty Seattle said...

I have no idea, either to be clear.

I'm hopped up on cold meds.

Anonymous said...

Oh my God...I just realized something. Maybe you haven't even told your wife.

Anonymous said...

That public plaza might be a ridiculous place to eat your take-out from Whole Foods, but, what it effectively does, is create a protected bike lane.

Who am I? Is it Wednesday? said...

Ebeneezer Snob. Sounds like a good Passover Play.

Anonymous said...

PLEASE BAN COMMIE. 'K. THX.

Howard said...

That metal working shop class block head braking thingy is fairly rediculous, however I find it a cool designway. A more sensible design however would have a bottle opener built into the front just above the toe clipper and an auto detonating exploding device in the hollowed out center triggered by a wouldbe thief fingering the headblock. Shd we patent?

Cognorant said...

Anon 10:53,

Please tell us what else should be banned from this site. Goddam! we need more folks like you to keep things running smoothly here. It's commentary like yours that really, really keeps blogs like this in line. So please, please grace us some more with your oh so eloquent requests because if you don't this blog will become so annoying no one will come here. Then what will we do?

Conrad said...

I like the pacific northwest edition. Tyler Farrar (from Wenatchee WA) has occasionally been known to show up at Seattle cyclocross races. A couple years ago he showed up in the Cofidis kit and took the holeshot.

cyclegoddess said...

'mill them out of Waterford crystal, then glue razor blade fragments all over the surface, then dip in Brazilian frog poison.'
OMFG lol!!

IM NOT GIVING UP TAMPONS!!!!
Maybe using dollars bills might be better for the ozone.

cyclegoddess said...

Im going to have to use your county's money as ours is plastic.

Gee, hope the exchange rate changes before next fortnight.

cyclegoddess said...

We have seen the testicle spoon seat, the block o' pain. Now whats next? Some thing that you have to screw your feet in before you can pedal. Something painful, and expensive.

Oh. Wait. that would be women's shoes.

System Adminestrone said...

Request to ban CC has been denied.

Banning Anon noobs is now under serious administrative consideration. We also summarily reserve the right to PWN comment noobs.

Thank you for your cooperation.

"Watch what you say, watch what you do" - Ari Fleisher

Anonymous said...

I'm no dendrophiliac, but those stumptown knot holes give me wood.

Paul said...

The things people do...

Did you catch this one? http://monkeylikeshiny.blogspot.com/2010/01/sprocket-brake-for-your-fixie.html

frilly said...

Salty--Jim's comment on the Letle Viride post (Feb 2008) was THE funniest post ever. His take on Rock Racing was classic. I cried I was laughing so hard. Worth looking up again if you don't remember.

Immigration and Costumes Enforcement said...

It would greatly help us if you could estimate about how many Slow Drippers would be required for the proposed Portland2NY Project. We would need to prepare working visas for professional Japanese actors of a specific genre.

Thank you for your cooperation.

The World's Cheapest Madone said...

Hmm... B. Lawyer and P. Bowen have got me thinking... should I palp drops? I'll let you know when the new barway "drops"...

Anonymous said...

PORT LAND
STMP TOWN
PORK LAND
TAXI DRVR
BLCK HEAD

Anonymous said...

Beers in Minn just as good as Portland? Please.

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it's becoming an italian blog isn't it.

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