Monday, April 5, 2010

Coming to Terms: Reconciliation and Rationalization

We all ride bicycles for different reasons. For some of us, cycling is a means of transportation. For others, it is a way to engage in friendly competition. Some of us even use it as yet another excuse to get naked. But regardless of why we do it, cycling eventually makes us all come to terms with ourselves. Ultimately, no matter how exquisitely lugged your hand-fabricated road bike or how studiously utilitarian your $1,349.00 "Gazelle Toer Populair Gent" Dutch-style fop-conveyor, it is up to you to propel it forward. (Sure, there are bicycles with electrical assist, but I have chosen to pretend they do not exist.)

Still, it obviously helps a lot if your bicycle is working properly--though sometimes even an equipment malfunction is not enough to stop a powerful and determined rider. Such was the case at yesterday's Tour of Flanders, which Fabian Cancellara managed to win despite a bike change necessitated by a "bad-luck incident with a couple of brake binder assemblies:"

Cancellara's teammate, Matti Breschel, was not so fortunate. He also had to switch bikes due to a brake malfunction, though apparently Saxo Bank mechanics took the opportunity to pull the old "Stuart O'Grady Bike Flim-Flam" on him:

This certainly is a "big, big, big mistake." Firstly, according to a popular user-edited Internet encyclopedia, Breschel is an inch and a half taller than O'Grady, which means that the bike did not fit properly. Secondly, cyclists are notoriously superstitious, and many riders in the professional peloton believe a gypsy mechanic placed a curse on O'Grady's spare bike back in the Crédit Agricole days and that grave misfortune will befall anybody who rides it. As a result, O'Grady has had the same spare bike since the late '90s. What's more, it's gone completely untouched since then. Sometimes, if you're watching a race on Versus, you see it atop the team car, covered in cobwebs with a raven perched nonchalantly on the top tube. So as you can imagine, Breschel was horrified to receive it, and I'm sure even now his teammates are looking askance at him and waiting for him to either drop dead or fall victim to some horrible crotchal fungus.

As for the "bad-luck incident" with the brakes, I'm not sure what caused the brake binder assemblies to fail. Perhaps SRAM equipped Saxo Bank with crappy brakes, or perhaps a ham-fisted mechanic over-tightened something, or perhaps Cancellara's and Breschel's bikes were placed too close to O'Grady's spare bike on the roof of the team car. Regardless, it's more the sort of thing you'd expect from a Walmart bike--and in fact, it's exactly the sort of thing I encountered on my Walmart Mongoose Cachet "fixed-speed" bicycle, which I recently purchased for testing purposes after filling out the necessary paperwork:

I plan to report in more detail on the bicycle in due course, but in the meantime I will say that it was equipped with some sort of cursed front brake binder bolt that spins eternally in both directions without either loosening or tightening. (Insert eerie bird sound here.)

Of course, I already knew most of what happened in the Tour of Flanders hours before actually watching it, since the Versus coverage did not air until yesterday evening. Still, I did watch the race, partially to witness the action firsthand but mostly to check in on the commercials, one of which was a commercial for the "Road ID" in which Bob Roll advocates carrying a bazooka:



I watched this with interest since a "PR" person was kind enough to contact me recently and ask if I wanted to "test" a Road ID myself. However, I politely declined, since in order to properly test one I'd have to get in some sort of horrible accident that would render me unable to convey information about myself verbally. I was briefly tempted to engineer a "prank" test in which I would lie motionless on the Brooklyn Bridge bike path and wait for someone to call the number on my bracelet, at which point they would hear this, but I dismissed this as being in extremely poor taste and ultimately decided to forego the opportunity altogether.

In addition to the Road ID commercial, there was also one for Denorex shampoo, which was an updated version of the old half-and-half head test:

"On this side I can feel a tingling sensation," says the tester. While this was not a cycling-specific commercial, as I watched it I realized that this premise would also be perfect for selling chamois cream. Basically, you'd take a pair of cycling shorts and smear half the chamois with one brand of cream and the other half with a competing cream. Then, you'd get a pro cyclist like David Millar to wear the shorts during a big race like the Tour of Flanders and describe the taintal sensations:

David Millar: "Nothing's happening yet."

Tyler Farrar: "Just wait. I'm telling you, it's like having an anxious sea urchin in your shorts."

Speaking of cycling and coming to terms with yourself, as time goes on it can grow increasingly difficult to reconcile your constantly changing needs and desires with your self-image. Consider the world of fixed-gears, for example. Not only has the act of riding a fixed-gear lost any semblance of "street cred," but it's inevitable that fixed-gear riders are now becoming interested in other types of cycling. Still, they're not quite ready to cast off the fixed-gear identity. Consider this entry from the Fixedgeargallery, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

The polarizing ("polarizing" is a polite was of saying "disgusting") aesthetic considerations of the Cannondale Raven aside, this is not even a fixed-gear bicycle; it's a single-speed. Why, then, did the owner submit it to the Fixedgeargallery, and more importantly, why did the "curator" of the site post it? I am simultaneously dismayed by the incongruity yet pleased that the Fixedgeargallery appears to be expanding its purview. In any case, it's sort of like visiting a familiar porn site and suddenly finding an unexpected combination of genitalia.

Similarly incongruent is the persona of "cultural snake handler" Mike Giant, shown here writing his name on a wall for the umpteenth time:

MIKE GIANT on Jessie Street from Sean Desmond on Vimeo.


Then, after writing his name on a wall, he signs it:

Signing a picture of your name seems unnecessary to me--it's kind of like pouring sugar on your Cocoa Puffs.

Anyway, event though Giant has built a brand and career based entirely on "flambulliently" writing his own name and then selling it to others (actually, that's not fair--sometimes he just copies stuff), he also likes to espouse Buddhism:

This is even more vexing than singlespeed bikes on Fixedgeargallery. Regardless of your opinion of Buddhism, I'm pretty sure it's the opposite of what Mike Giant does, and I'm also reasonably certain Siddhartha didn't gain a worldwide following by writing the name "Buddha" really cool all over India. Then again, while vanity and Buddhism aren't really compatible, I suppose both are pretty easy to engage in when you're stoned. Actually, being stoned is all about combining things that don't go well together--that's why it makes people put peanut butter on their pizza. I guess that's really the depth of Mr. Giant's worldview.

But while it's pretty easy to reconcile opposing concepts with liberal application of "Wednesday weed," it's a little harder to reconcile your need for a brake when you don't want people to see that you have one. Fortunately, at least one designer is coming to the rescue, for fixed-gear freestyle impresario and streetwear enthusiast Prolly recently alerted me to this contraption:

Yes, you can finger this diminutive nubbin without anybody knowing; surreptitious braking is the "hipster" equivalent of playing "pocket pool" while leering at someone on a subway platform. However, to truly appreciate this setup you need to see it in context, and fortunately someone posted a complete picture of the bike in Prolly's comment section:

While I don't believe in judging people by their bicycles, sometimes it's difficult not to draw conclusions. I may be way off here, but everything about this bike suggests middle-aged designer with an erectile dysfunction. By the way, the stem is called the "Blockhead," and it features "sharp edges and corners." Furthermore, it's "not for everyone," and you should "Ride it at your own risk:"


Not for everyone indeed. I suppose after taking a Blockhead stem in the "pants yabbies" two or three times you might need one of those weird saddles too. Really, I can't help thinking that the owner of that bike can't come to terms with the fact that he should really be riding this:


It's called the "Shoppy," and unlike the Blockhead stem, it is intended for everyone--both men:

And women:

"Flambullient" coif not required but recommended.

109 comments:

Nogocyclist said...

表彰台?
ねえ、私は何か違うことがあった。私は何が違うのかを知っていない。だから私は日本にこのメッセージを変更しました。私は、20コメントトップ10を嫌う人々のための言葉Podiumを投稿するに表彰台のレースについてであることを憎む。

吸盤は、実際にこれを変換し、それだけで言うアウトと認める者になる表彰台。これは二重退屈だろうしてください。

rezado said...

Firstie

sufferist said...

ahhhh!!!!

Adam said...

podium!

Ryan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
sufferist said...

Named commenter sweep of the podium.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

mikeweb said...

top10

Anonymous said...

TOOOOP TEEENNNNNNN

ant1 said...

ant1st!

dignan said...

Top Ramen

hillbilly said...

c'mon son and boyhowdy

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Dooh Daah said...

I coulda used the help of my little god angel.

Astroluc said...

Actually does have better things to do than wait for Snobbies post… but here I am. and STILL I missed the podium

d. fofonov said...

I am able to peeing when riding but otherwise I am yet not too very much good at this.

Astroluc said...

oh, and

GO SOX

leroy said...

Would have had a better finish, but my support team handed me a spare rib instead of a spare bike.

In the an imperfect world, some imperfections are tastier than others.

Still, I lost valuable time fiddling with the wet nap they handed up next.

Anonymous said...

"GO SOX"


Dick.

Anonymous said...

top twenty. its so nice out.

mikeweb said...

I think that's Andy Samberg modeling the 'shoppy'.

OBA said...

AYHFMDN: all you haters finger my dimiunutive nubbin

dignan said...

Enthusiasts of motorbikes in the chopperway compensation flavor have a similar disregard for brakes, but only when they are on the front wheel. A couple companies make front hubs with tiny drum brakes inside. What is it about image-obsessed lifestyle consumers and braking ability? Why are adequate clamper mechanism assemblies held in such disdain?

I saw a hipster the other day on the sidewalk on a tarck fixie. He had no brake and hit a girl. He must have been too enraptured by his state of zen awareness to notice her. When he did at the last millisecond, there was no blockhead to finger.

ervgopwr said...

Does Vito ride the ostrich along side/behind you like a team car?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Greatest opening lines in all of literature:

"In the beginning, G-d created the Heavens and the Earth."
-Genesis

"It was the best of times; it was the worst of times."
-A Tale of Two Cities

"The bicycle is one of those simple inventions that seems like it's been around since the dark ages."
-BikeSnob

Yep, got my advance copy on Saturday.

shoegazer said...

'finding and unexpected'

I only said

Astroluc said...

Anon 1:49 --

wow, express a positive feeling about a sports team (and not a negative one about another) and get called a "dick" from some random person on the internet...

thanks.

heath said...

hello!

Anonymous said...

go Mets!

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, you should have tested the Road ID, bracelet testers are a rare breed of man. Before Chuck Yager joined the Air Force, he tested bracelets.

ringcycles said...

The Shoppy, ah, la prima vera, and the italian city bike emerges from hibernation. Unlike its dutch cousins, it is much more "chic", even if less "pratica"

CommieCanuck said...

wow, express a positive feeling about footwear (and not a negative one about another) and get called a "dick" from some random person on the internet..

Astroluc..fixed this for you, sandal wearers like Anon 1:59 can be an opinionated lot. He may just like to wear socks on his dick.

We'll never know.

frilly said...

That bike provides a good argument for why using your feet might be than the brake. For men & women alike if thats even possible.

Also from yesterday's ride: Waiting at the stoplight for the green, when I heard a woman in the car behind me say, "I don't know why she's calling herself fat, her butt doesn't look that big." Yeah, I had on my Team Fatty jersey.

Oh, and Pujols hit a homerun in his first at bat today--GO CARDS!

frilly said...

Oops--meant better than the brake.

Cognorant said...

Ok, here's my submission for the ultimate, hipster, vanity, brake when you don't want people to know your using one.

Technically it's a sphincter brake but I like to call it the "Brinchter". Or SMSAASD (saddle mounted sphincter actuated automatic stopping device).

What's the first thing on the human body to clench up in a moment of panic?...the sphincter. I propose a comfortably shaped brake lever to be mounted protruding from the center area of the saddle. It would have a discreet cable routed through the seat tube to a caliper on the rear wheel. Perfect for the hipster as no thought is involved and completely invisible (once rider is mounted).

Imagine the scenario: Fixter riding down the street, enjoying the whole Zen one to one thingy. Suddenly they lift they're eyes from the terribly important text message regarding the pending PBR happy hour, a baby carriage appears in front of them!!!...no time to hoist the leg over the front bar for a stylish skid stop, what will happen!!??? Human instinct takes over, the sphincter tightens up all on it's own, rear wheel locks up, baby saved, end of story.

Specially modified skinny jeans required, lube and wet wipes not included.

I am the engine. said...

The shoppy.

That is the first time I have seen a "new design" bike with a good looking "betty" and still said, "That is one ugly bike".

Even a partially dressed betty in high heels and great legs could not help that one.

Anonymous said...

Sphincter brake mis-adjustment.
It rubs all of the time.
Quick call a mechanic.

Anonymous said...

The $1,349.00 "Gazelle Toer Populair Gent" Dutch-style fop-conveyor is a "Budget" bicycle!

CommieCanuck said...

Oh, and Pujols hit a homerun in his first at bat today--GO CARDS!

And the Heirophant trumped the judgement , while avoiding the death card.

Go TAROT CARDS!

CommieCanuck said...

Human instinct takes over, the sphincter tightens up all on it's own, rear wheel locks up, baby saved, end of story.

Do you need special Yellow sphincters for crabon rims?

Anonymous said...

Is Tyler drinking an official Garmin can of POM in that photo, one in the approved Garmin/Chipotle colorway?

ben said...

I woulda gotten here way faster if not for my brake malfunction. next time i'll podium for sure.

Anonymous said...

Please also purchase a Nashbar $200 fixie and then have a "shootout" Walmart vs Nashbar vs Scattante. Also, try out different clipless sandals at same time (Keen, Lake, Shimano).

For real.

ringcycles said...

i am the engine: italians understand two things, 1) bicycles are for racing or recreation since the vespa is much better city transportation (in their view), and 2) you can sell anything at all to americans with the right bella betty.

frilly said...

Okay, so I have an infatuation with latin men named Albert (or some derivative thereof).

I like those shoes, too.

Anonymous said...

Real buddists never go out proselytizing.
Buddism is something that you practise for yourself and for your own benefit, just like masturbation.
So screwn you and your false religions, Lob curse you all!

Anonymous said...

Call me whatever you'd like, racist, elitist whatever... but I'm glad I don't live in NYC. You guys have some jacked up bikes floating around that city. I can only imagine what the people must be like who actually ride those things.

Nogocyclist said...

I just want to know where I can buy one of those bike bazookas. Here in the south all the Bubbas have a rifle or shotgun in the back window of their truck. If I had a bazooka on my bike, I would take the prize as the "King Bubba"
with No Competition.

I wonder if a Bazooka can be used as a cane? If it can, then I could leave my wimpy ol' man stick at the house.

Cogitoergosum said...

Ostrich??? Who said anything about an Ostrich?

Anonymous said...

wtf!? that ugly-as-hell stem weights 1.1 lb!

Cognorant said...

CC,

"Do you need special Yellow sphincters for crabon rims?"

Nooo, that's the beauty of this system...all you need is you're own built in sphinchter.

Etoro said...

Am I superstitious? YES! I am certain that as soon as I check off "Yes" to donate my organs, something will "happen" to speed up the process. Same with Road ID. If I put one of those on my wrist, I feel certain some near sighted lady from Fort Lee will think the shoulder on 9W is the new "Third Lane". At least I'll have the Road ID!. I'm sure if they roll me over they might find a wallet too, but I know that weight probably reduces my speed by 5 seconds per mile. Hey we all die, but I'm not going to invite the "Powers that be" to hasten my demise just because I said yes to Road ID. Does this make sense or am I just crazy scared of Death?

- Antonius Block

Anonymous Coward said...

Since Disgruntl Ed seems to be snoozing, Snob: "Breschel is an inch and a half taller [than] O'Grady"

TELE MCHS

CommieCanuck said...

Nooo, that's the beauty of this system...all you need is you're own built in sphinchter.

RIMS TINK

Anonymous said...

The ostrich has lovely penmanship.

Daddo said...

pujols and sphincter in the same comments section!

go Red Sox!

kale said...

How long until someone whittles a teak and mahogany stem to match their dowelbars?

Salty Seattle said...

Hey, look-- a Bandwagon!

Go Mariners!

What? Oh right.

Salty Seattle said...

Today appears to be opinionated Monday.

I, for one, will agree with Anon 1:49. I love dick.

Go Dick!

Anonymous said...

From http://cwandt.com/blockhead-stem-ib/:

"Sometimes it’s nice to ride fixed with a front brake, but brake levers tend to be massive, take up a lot of handlebar space, and have levers that are much longer than they need to be."

Yes, (lobster) god forbid LEVERs are actually long enough to give you LEVERage!

Anonymous said...

Flambullient! Priceless...

Anonymous said...

Last so far.. GO PIRATES...

Anonymous said...

Bike-seat induced ED is NOT funny.

Anonymous said...

Mike giant is a god. although defacing others property and creating a pubic eyesore in the process for the sake of ego masturbation seems a little anti-buddhist to me.

Anonymous said...

$89 for a block of aluminum with some holes and screws. Looks like something I would have made in shop class...

7sp said...

So I take it you prefer ramrod-straight handlebars. Please elaborate.

urchin said...

Anon 4:10--
I guess we can all agree there's a problem if your brake levers have levers.

Okay, now with the Ostrich. The SnobCorp is starting to boom--I'm submitting my application today!

Bluenoser said...

Well, at least the fire people will know what non-life taking Buddhist spray-painted over the fire hydrants on the side of that building thus burning up all those inside when they couldn't be found. Because he signed his work... twice.

-B

CoastieCale said...

FFG has posted SS bikes for a very long time; probably because the publisher doesn't want to bear/ impose the "burden of proof" required to weed out SS. I gather any "clean chainline" w/o a derailluer would suffice for FFG.

I am the engine said...

Ring -

The italians have given us fine motorcycles, beautiful scooters (Vespas), beautiful classic bicycles, beatiful classic cars, some of the amazing beautiful women.

And now the shoppy?

Italian civilizations is de-evolving.

Anonymous said...

Mike Giant is a really nice guy and Rebel 8 isn't even his company.

leroy said...

Etoro --

I wear a Road ID because I'm a little forgetful.

It's who I am.

DEVO said...

Mr Giant should paint a picture of his enlightened self in nirvana blissfully watching his physical self sign his name to his name. Or would this require too much talent?

I may to telling too much said...

I don't wear a Road ID because the EMTs would not believe it if they read it.

I got so much wrong with me, if they read it they would either think I was exaggerating or the guys who print those things made a mistake putting three people's information on one. Then they gave it to me for free instead of making a new one.

Hereditary Spastic Paraplegia, Diabetes Type II, Cushing's, Bilateral Frozen Shoulders, Spondylosis, Spinal Stenosis, Osteoarthritis, Thyroid Nodules, and low total Cholesterol.

And that is just what I can remember. Oh, yea. Memory loss and loss of smell from closed head trauma.

At least I don't have stiff man syndrome, the test came back negative.

I think I will stop there. Maybe I should get a road ID after all?

I posted this without using my account so I can deny it if I ever am able to get another job. "Yea, an impostor posted this." This is NOT Nogocyclist.

ringcycles said...

i am the engine: tuto che vero, credo que.

Anonymous said...

"Taintal Sensations" -- great title for a self-released EP

One, two, Dale, four. said...

Impressario? The sarcasmomiter just broke.

Jefe said...

My commute is so exciting that I wear Road ID and a toe tag.

Anonymous said...

canuck is STILL not funny. at all. never was. never will be. give UP please. STOP WRITING HERE.

Thank you.

wp said...

no effing fair! foul i say!

i get a good read on, have some laughs and get to the end.

puke-o-rama should be the name of the "shoppie" or whatever you said that awful beauty-of-a-turd vehicle resembling and sharing some traits with a bicycle.

argggg, my eyes!!!

bye now, feeling nausea again.

Anonymous said...

LOL Devo!

Mike is not a nice guy or a God. Those are public personas. He's really ignorant and underdeveloped. Snob's commentary is on point.

I love you Bike Snob. Please take me for a ride someday? I'll work the sphincter brake while you pedal.

Anonymous said...

CC - Pay no attention to Anonymous 9:33. Some of us appreciate your humour -- maybe I do especially, because I also toil in the science industry.

Shoes for industry, campadre!

wp said...

eighty-turd

road i.d.--what on earth for? (outside of some freakish condition (no offense to the freaky)) either stop the bleeding and take me to the doctor, or put me back in the saddle and point me toward home or the finish line.

that's it really.

likes beer and brunettes--maybe we could put that on one.

Anonymous said...

I want Shoppy girl -- errrrrr

wp said...

and hell yeah, commie canuck is fine with me.

ryan said...

that lever/stem thing is gross. odyssey makes some really great brake levers that seem like they would be small enough for the freds.

spacemodular said...

You just wait Bikes Snob NYC!

Middle Age is coming to get YOU!

innerlighter said...

dignan,
"Top Ramen" for Comment of the Week.
Double points for brevity.
Nice work.

Frilly...

Slow Dripper said...

Nogo wa kyoo no ichiban! omedetou!

SGI reject said...

I'm going to go ahead and call BS on the purported "Zen-like" synergy achieved by the direct connection to a brakeless fixed gear drivetrain.

If material possessions are but an illusion in this plane of existence, then foffing on and over fixies is not "Zen-like" but actually quite the opposite.

Surfing w/o a leash, skateboarding barefoot, motorcycling w/o a helmet, going "commando", intercourse w/o a prophylactic, internet w/o security software... these practices may feel liberating but are not worthy of creating a smug lifestyle around either.

All You Preening Attention Seekers Shall Be Applauded by the Sound of One Hand Clapping

Anonymous said...

Chris of Velo Orange approves of the Shoppy's low fork trail, although derides the inelegantly non-French fork bend.

cyclegoddess said...

Ok , my best riding buddy has a saddle thats so narrow, that it looks like it could fit UP his ass, rather than under it but that seat!!
Its, its , its like two spoons!!

Man.thats gotta hurt.

cyclegoddess said...

'And the Heirophant trumped the judgement , while avoiding the death card.

Go TAROT CARDS!'

I dearly adore your humor, CC

Durishin said...

Snob,

Have you seen this?

http://pearlonuranus.com/

Durishin

I am the engine said...

pearl uranus, brilliant,

gih said...

Oh my! She is so gorgeous with that pose.

Call Me Eddie said...

Anon 10:10,
Great Fire Side Theater Reference (Shoes for Industry). I also agree with you about CC.
You know, I just invented the Tom Collins!

frilly said...

Ha ha! innerlighter

Brings back memories of buying the first kit. The day I officially became a preening peahen.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Wait for it...

wishiwasmerckx said...

and...100th!

Anonymous said...

da Cdale got a Brooks

freemovietag said...

Free download Movies

Anonymous said...

Dear Shoppy friends!
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Best regards
Shoppy Staff

………………….

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Shoppy Bike, a revolutionary and exclusive unisex city bike, combines innovation, functionality and style.

Manufactured in the heart of Tuscany by Officine Meccaniche Sereni, Shoppy Bike is a high-tech bicycle made entirely in aluminium and with toothed belt drive. Clean, silent and ecologic.

With its sleek design and avant-guarde mechanism, Shoppy Bike is a comfortable and elegant means of locomotion, the perfect way to tackle the daily hectic city traffic in style and to enjoy slow-paced moments of relax. “You don't get up on it, you only just enter!”

Shoppy Bike is a truly unique product. Its futuristic mechanism and innovative design are the expression of excellent and authentic Italian creativity. It stands for the tradition of utmost classic Italian bicycle manufacturing.

Shoppy Bike offers a colour range that goes from classic red and black to the more trendy shades of lilac and green.

Available also on www.shoppybike.com

Jones said...

ShoppyBike very COOL!!!!!

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