Friday, April 9, 2010

BSNYC Friday Farm Quiz!

(Via a reader, the Four Recumbent Riders of the Meh-pocalypse.)

Like many people, I have dreams. Not, "Oh, no, I'm back in middle school, I have a social studies test, and I'm naked" dreams, but "It sure would be wonderful if someday..." dreams. For example, one thing I often dream of is a future in which we all live together in joy, peace and harmony. Another thing I dream about is a worldwide uprising in which we join together to savagely kill everyone who has ever wronged us--resulting, of course, in the aforementioned new age of joy, peace and harmony. But most of all--more than peace, and more than bloodbaths--I dream that George Hincapie will win Paris-Roubaix, which takes place this Sunday.

From what I've seen in "ethnic" movies, there's a portion of the so-called "Passover Seder" in which the youngest child asks, "Why is this different from all other nights?" The answer of course, is that on this night they eat fish that is decidedly more gelatinous than usual. Similarly, you may be wondering, "Why is this year different from all other years?," meaning that George Hincapie has been riding professionally for something like 40 years already without having won Paris-Roubaix, so why would he suddenly win now? Well, there are a few reasons. First of all, he's on a new team. Second of all, he's got a special USPRO kit that makes him look like he's advertising a holiday sale at a car dealership or mattress chain. But most importantly, he's got "full gas:"

Hincapie has had a new team before, and he's also been USPRO Champion before, but he's arguably never had that extra burst of flatulence a rider needs in order to power himself over those [insert number here] sectors of punishing cobbles. Not only is "full gas" propulsive, but it also discourages hangers-on, making it that much more likely Hincapie will enter the fabled "Ruby Velodrome" (not to be confused with the "Emerald City," which is full of "hipsters" but does not have a velodrome) alone for a commanding solo victory. Really, as long as his bike doesn't fall apart (again), or he doesn't accept any bidons containing dissolved Gas-X tablets, or he doesn't simply choose to expel the gas and consequently clear the entire BMC team bus, this could finally be his year. Then again, as we saw last week at Flanders he's got some formidable and extremely gassy competition, but despite the odds I prefer to dream that Boonen and Cancellara and the rest will instead look between their thighs and see George coming, and that Hincapie will bring a Paris-Roubaix victory to the underside of the Brooklyn Bridge where it belongs.

And now, by way of returning abruptly to reality, I'd like to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you will have reason to triumphantly smash something made of glass and cry out "Boo-ya!," and if you're wrong you will be forced to learn how to ride a bicycle downhill.

Many thanks for reading and for forwarding delightful items, ride safe, and if you have "full gas" you might want to watch Paris-Roubaix alone.

--BSNYC/RTMS

PS: Yesterday evening I was interviewed for the Two Johns Podcast and they've already posted it on their website, so if you'd like to listen you may do so here.




1) According to Cyclingnews, the cobbles of the Spring Classics are also known as:

--Pav




2) In which city is someone trying to "flip" a Mongoose Cachet for $300 on Craigslist, complete with pictures from the BSNYC review?




3) To haul serious cargo by bicycle, you need a Surly Big Dummy.

--True
--False





4) Fill in the blank: According to Bicycling magazine, New York is the __ most bike-friendly city in America.

--4th





5) "It's one-stop shopping for 'hipsters!'" Where can you find this all-in-one boutique?

--Williamsburg, Brooklyn





6) "Bad news for dopers!" The inventor of the "Whizzinator" has been sentenced to jail.

--True
--False





7) Whose viscous nipple is this?





***Special Not-Quite-Safe-For-Work-Depending-On-Where-You-Work-Tattoo-Themed-Bonus Question***


Underarm tattoos are Knuckle Tattoos 2.0.


91 comments:

wishiwasmerckx said...

First?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Second?

streepo said...

podium?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Sweep?

streepo said...

Yeah!

Anonymous said...

top ten

JTK said...

OMG TOP 10!!!!

g said...

Top 10, Happy Birthday to the Mrs. Shame she doesn't read this...

samh said...

1

Gary said...

10thffffff!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

streepo said...

Stay in control.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

samh said...

2

luciferyellow said...

For some reason I have "The Famous Bollock Brother's 'The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse' " stuck in my head for the last few days... Damn you!

Anonymous said...

top 20?

hillbilly said...

wish i was wish i was

dignan said...

Top Ramen

Bad Lawyer said...

Best first paragraph you've written since last Friday!

debichan1a said...

top 20?

Bad Lawyer said...

"...but despite the odds I prefer to dream that Boonen and Cancellara and the rest will instead look between their thighs and see George coming..."

NOOOOOOoooooooooo

Anonymous said...

Where can I get a motorcycle chain for an 11 speed?

le Correcteur said...

Not even top 20!

dignan said...

Snobby- we have a velodrome. Marymoor Park. Not quite in Seattle, but close enough.

Hilarious- the Scarecrow is totall a hipster.

Nate said...

This is great...

Jefe said...

Since the video refused to load, I'm considering all my answers correct, even when I picked True and the False, or several of the multiple choice responses.

Anonymous said...

4 out of 7.....ho hum. But I got the NYC one right and the Swiss one....and I don't live in either of those countries. How odd.

Diversion over, back to writing about titanium.......

hey nonny mouse....

Billy Reid said...

Mongoose flipping would be most successful if one employed spoke cards, fluorescent doo-dads, and facial piercings.

Anonymous said...

me rika the bonus material

Anonymous said...

BSNYC is out and in "Men's Journal"?!?

ringcycles said...

6/7 and the bonus. Damn Swiss and their efficiency!

ringcycles said...

Wonder if Big George will consume an epic burito for Saturdays dinner to charge up the turbo, to get it up to full gas.

3G said...

FART POWR
FLYN MNKY
DBLE PIMP

I hope he wins so we can stop talking about how he doesn't win it...or can't win it.

Unfortunately, we all know his fate. Maybe the lobster god will reach down and use his a holy pincer to cause flats for his competitors.

Chris said...

recumbents represent!

Ed said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ed said...

Snob,

Minneapolis is number one and you should acknowledge this. Yesterday, you wrote, "As hard as we may be trying, this isn't Portland," In future posts, please refer to Minneapolis as the cycling mecca, not Portland. Thank you and goodnight.

sufferist said...

Not great on the quiz, but who cares...fingers crossed for the Mighty George...

Deuce Magruder said...

there was something about this post that was like taking a cheese grater to the nipple of my ire.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
what is the proper term for that nose piercing?

IBS said...

I'll piss on your bike.

Eric said...

Question #2 was a BSNYC inspired trolling post.

Read the actual responses my blog. Brazen Cycleworks

Not sure I really want to know said...

Is it just me or has the hipsterette had a Caesarean section?

Maybe Pontius Pilate can weigh in.

Fierce Panties said...

VISH NIPP

Anonymous said...

Could be worse instead of how to ride downhill it could be the related video of how to wear bike shorts.

leroy said...

Shucks, I knew all that stuff from the instructional video.

I don't mean to brag, but folks often remark that my cycling skill seems to be going downhill.

Ride safe all!

(And go George!)

Fierce Panties said...

Thanks for the horrific image of the 4 Rucumby Riders of the Apalca Lips. I can almost smell their cottony sweat soaked t-shirts from my moon condo.

db said...

Any extra-extra credit for noticing that tattoo-underarm girl was named after a cheese?

Dave said...

mmmmm - Philippo Pozzato's nipple

honkybucket said...

Eric,

Hilarious dude! You should do standup!

ervgopwr said...

Nice podcast you seemed especially in a happy-go-lucky cycling is great attitudeway. Not that you shouldn't be.

RIDE N B HAPY

ervgopwr said...

Get a permit for comment # 51 sucka's!

Fierce Panties said...

@db
I thought that you were about to say something about a baguette.

Anonymous said...

That video tortured me as I failed the quiz miserably.

Victory for George with a mighty breakwindway.

Fred said...

I can barely get out of my own driveway without causing a three-car pileup and the accidental circumcision of any nearby boy scouts, but that triathlete in the video is giving some seriously lame bike-handling advice.

Not that one would expect anything else from a triathlete.

Nogocyclist said...

If George needs gas to win the Paris-Roubaix, I have the recipe that will insure his win.

Get drunk, pass out cold, have the guy who can no longer smell spoon feed you this soup.

Follow the recipe precisely:

One tablespoon and one teaspoon of crotyl mercaptan, one tablespoon and one teaspoon of isopentyl mercaptan, and one tablespoon of methyl crotyl disulphide. Salt and pepper to taste.

If the race is not cancelled and George Hincapie ever takes the lead, he is assured of a win.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC with a New York accent? Never would have thought...Always imagined him having a Canadian accent. Disappointed.

Anonymous said...

interview hosts sounded pretty nonplussed

mikeweb said...

Got 4/7 on the quiz whilst listening to Snob on the p-cast.

I'm hoping he talks about the burgeoning penny farthng craze so I can call it a p-far-cast.

mikeweb said...

and Snob and the 2 interviewers can be called the p-far-cast-cast

Ronsonic said...

I just wanna say that penalty video of how to ride downhill was cruel and inhumane. In the future please refrain from violating international conventions on the punishment of inaccuracy. Flaming hot barbed wire whips are acceptable, but having to watch that tri-nozzle is not.

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of myself for contributing, in the smallest way possible, to the quiz.

The Wizz

Nogocyclist said...

I hate to admit it but my teenage experiences gave me the proper knowledge of how to ride that Perfect grocery mountain bike. As a teenager, my dad appointed me the sucker who had to make the dump run. He would have me load up whatever old clunker of a truck we had and then he would load it even more himself. On several dump runs, my front wheels would leave the ground after hitting every small bump in the road. When my front wheels left the ground, I knew I was in trouble, I lost all steering ability. What I discovered, out of necessity from my sheer panic, was all I had to do was hit the brakes for a second. The front end would bounce down and at that time I could steer for a fraction of a second. I did it enough to stay off the 10 o'clock news.

My point is, if you load a moderate load in the basket on that bike, all you have to do is apply the brakes sharply so the front wheel touches down, and steer before it bounces back up. It should work fine once you get the knack of it.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

May 1st in DUMBO. Wonderful. I'll be on Cape Cod at a wedding, of course.

Anonymous said...

wow, Eric, that was a regular laugh riot. You listed it for 2x as much as it retails for and people called you on it. Whoa! (see what I did there?)

Keith Hearn said...

The girl is kinda cute, but metal boogers have never really done much for me.

frilly said...

Felicitations Leroy!

I'll admit it--I watched the How to Wear Bike Shorts Video. I was kind of hoping it would pick up where the Pozzato pics left off.

And I say, "Go George!" also. This would be a nice 'back at ya bitches' for getting screwed out of the yellow jersey.

urchin said...

Not really getting excited by that FP nipple picture, but you have to admit it was genius photography to make it seem as if he might actually have a pectoral muscle in there.

I think the serious guys all get double mastectomies to save weight.

John G. said...

There was only one interviewer, John K., and he wasn't non plussed, that's just the way he talks.

Salty Seattle said...

Underarm Tattoos = Brilliant!

Personally, I'm completely afraid of committing to a tattoo, and then changing my mind about it. Piercings, on the other hand, have a built-in cancellation policy--the human body includes a design feature that erases most evidence of such adornment, after the jewelry is removed. (still considering this..)

An Underarm Tat is in a spot conveniently away from one's own line of sight, without actually residing in the asscrack. In fact, it could only be seen by others during triathlon race wins, sleeveless incantation rituals, various sexual acts, and breast exams. (Okay, if you're Matthew McCaunaghay, this is purported to be a lot of exposure.)

What really caught my attention is that finally, you can provide some stage direction without the danger of 'killing a moment'. For instance, you could get a tattoo that says something like, "If you've reached this point, you've gone too far." Or, "Premium Shave achieved."

Hmmm... Something new to consider...

Thank you, Snob! -- Knuck Tats 2.0

Salty Seattle said...

dignan-

Back in the days before the invention of the "tarck" bike, Seattle had it's very own Velodrome. Legend has it, in fact, that there were three, dating back to the Major Taylor days (Sorry, I failed the Dacshund of Time exam, as I do all of Snobbie's quizzes.) It even happened that one of, said, Velo-NASCARisms was at Greenlake, where the 9-hole golf lives now.

In protest of this, I refuse to acknowledge the Redmond Velodrome (MVA.org), as the Seattle velodrome. If I'm forced to accept a track outside of the city limits, I will, instead, accept Burnaby, BC--the city where bikes actually have the right-of-way, and cars have the stop sign.

Paradise, despite the Canadian beer.

Anonymous said...

I was lulled into complacency and then WHAM! ---> QUIZ! I was hoping you had forgotten, like my 11th grade history teacher would occasionally, mostly on account of being stoned (him, not me). I was unprepared today. I was up drinking instead of studying - just like 11th grade...

Anonymous said...

and then there is this

http://boise.craigslist.org/bik/1684391125.html

Sigurd said...

I also had to look twice at hipsterette Brie's belly - it really looks like a c-section scar. But it's too shallow - my guess is, this skank was once a fairer, more voluptous girl who lost most her body fat to cigarettes and riding the "mean streets". Wrinkles and creases are all that remind her of that time she used to eat something.

honkybucket said...

Anon 3:17,

I think I'm finally beginning to understand this phenomenon that is "trolling." Here's how it works...

Some relatively youthful prankster posts something obviously false, or otherwise misleading somewhere online. People reply to this posting however appropriate. The original poster then reads and/or compiles these replies, and basks in the hilarity of it all.

I guess this is what we get for raising a generation of diabetic porkers in front of a computer monitor.

Anonymous said...

The Bicycling city poll was awful. The two biggest mistakes: Boston, one of the most dangerous bicycling cities in the country, made the list, and San Diego didn't. C'mon.

creremerson said...

The grocery bike obviously just needs a similar basket extending out front to act as a counterweight. With the sharp handling a front counterweight basket filled with fair trade wholefood would provide any new aspirant to the smugerati could hammer that thing downhill, even without prior free online technique coaching.

creremerson said...

By the way, the Dachshund of Time can be found in ancient Mayan iconography and features in the Mayan calander, under the name of Oc.

http://research.famsi.org/fauna/fauna_info.php?fauna_id=224&family=&genus=&species=&authority=&common=&maya=%3Cspan%20CLASS=

Note in particular the clay figure in the second last photograph which bears a particularly strong resemblance.

I think that this is concrete evidence that you have slightly miscalculated the date of the Meh-pocalypse and that it will actually occur in 2012 at the end of the Mayan calander cycle.

Two more years of fixed gear bikes to tolerate before relief from such worldly injustice.

cheese snob said...

Don't get me wrong, I like seeing pics of girls working on greasy bikes in dingy basements as much as the next guy, but didn't the photographer do Cheddar a bit of a disservice by not mentioning the big zit on her boob? I woulda' been like, "Hey Camembert, move the bra strap a bit over to the inside, I don't feel like shopping that out of the pics." He obviously doesn't respect women.

gih said...

WOW! A new vehicle.. a slow vehicle. is it goodfor cardio too as what cycling is?

Dollars Canadian said...

I don't know what's worse; the lack of hope and joy in the photos of the woman named after cheese or that she has such low self esteem that she feels the need to expose and objectify herself in front of a snarling, rapacious pack of 17 year old boys just to gain some sort of self worth from their approval.

Ugh. There are better ways to do this.

cwg said...

http://www.thefixfixfix.com/fix/index.php/2010/02/brie-and-her-custom-fabd-fixie/?nggpage=2&pid=1549

why does this pale face hipster girl have a photo of a black kid with a huge afro?

if it's not obama circa 1976, i can't imagine what that's all about.

Anonymous said...

I'm 47 with a boner, actually.

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creremerson said...

I should have said: Two more years of fixed gear FASHION to tolerate before relief from such worldly injustice.

Obviously, the fixed gear BIKES that have not been corrupted or that repent of their sinful colourways will survive the raining down of paint stripper cleansing the earth and live on in velodromes made of ivory and gold.

yogisurf said...

If I get a recumbent bike and a grey T-shirt, I'll fit right in. Notice the Non-plussed Observer.

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Being from Zurich, another intersting detail:
The one-stop-shop for hipsters shares the building with a thrift store named brokiland, perfect place to spot hipsters.

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