Thursday, April 8, 2010

Beasts of Burden: Long Bikes and Shiny Riders

In the year 2019, when we're all living in condos on the Moon and watching holographic three-dimensional television shows that you can smell, we will occasionally gather at soirées during which we will nibble on space canapés, sip intergalactic wine, and reflect fondly on the scorched and barren Earth we've all left behind. In particular, we will probably reminisce about the year 2010, which will go down in history for three reasons: it was the year that wacky tablet computer came out; it was the year that wacky Walmart "fixed-speed" bike came out; and it was the year that the Four Recumbent Riders of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse descended from the heavens and laid waste to our home planet. Lo, their fragrant beards were made of stars and like unto the Milky Way, their helmet mirrors bore witness to the fate of humanity, and their hairy legs and SPD sandals did cause the ground to tremble when they did stop for granola and a "pee-pee break" in the midst of their ravagings.

Of course, none of this has happened yet, but the Dachshund of Time is already cowering in fear, as you can see in this Fixedgeargallery entry which was forwarded to me by a couple of readers:

Look deep into those terrified eyes and witness the horror of the End of Days:

Or maybe that's not the horror of the End of Days; maybe its just an intense canine craving for some Jerky Treats.

In any case, pending this whole apocalyptic mishigas (or meh-shigas) I have been living every day like it's my last, by which I mean I have been siting around watching TV and drinking heavily in order to quell a vague underlying sense of doom. I've also been assembling bicycles, and on the very same day I wrestled with the Mongoose Cachet and its unfortunate nuts which had been stripped more thoroughly than a bikini waxer depilates an exotic dancer's genitals, I also put together that Surly Big Dummy I mentioned last week. Here it is, all putted together and carrying a red thing:

(Can't wait to lose the lame Xtracycle and dork-railleurs and turn this baby into a fixed-gear!)

I should note that, while it took more time to assemble the Big Dummy, it was also a lot easier. This is because the stuff that was already on there was put there properly (including the pie plate, which I removed and burned), and the stuff that wasn't fit neatly together with the stuff that was. Even performing a bris on the uncut steer tube was easier than un-binding the Mongoose's dastardly headset. Anyway, here it is from the rear, seductively displaying its red thing like a "presenting" baboon:

I realize this is a diminutive load that a garden Bushwick variety undernourished "hipster" could probably transport in his capacious designer messenger bag, but in my defense I was merely getting a feel for the beast and taking it for a "shakedown ride." Rest assured I'm quite aware of the unwieldy payloads that smug Big Dummy owners (as well as owners of other load-bearing bikes) manage to haul. I even visited the webular site of the "Surly Big Dummy Society" and looked at the gallery. Just some of the crap these people are way too proud of themselves for carrying includes ladders:

Lawnmowers:

And other bikes:

Unfortunately, I don't own a ladder or a lawnmower, and while the carrying other bikes thing is intriguing it's also worth noting that putting a derailleur on your mountain bike is a good deal cheaper than purchasing a Big Dummy so you don't have to frantically spin your undergeared singlespeed to the trailhead. Then again, some people actually buy cars just to transport their singlespeeds to the trailhead, so I suppose all of this is relative, and I can certainly see how a multi-bike outing could be fun. In any case, in addition to the red thing I also carried some cheese:


At this point, the question isn't whether this bike is useful (it is) or difficult to ride (it isn't); it's how neatly a New York City apartment-dweller can integrate a nearly seven-foot-long bicycle into his or her life. As hard as we may be trying, this isn't Portland, and many of us live a good portion of our lives above street level. Furthermore, we don't always have the luxury of leaving our bicycles at street level, since that's where most of the crime takes place. I'll keep you posted, and if all else fails I can always unfurl the nylon flaps, form a crude lean-to, and live in the park:

Or, I could simply exchange it for another cargo bike with a shorter wheelbase:

At the End of Days, the Dachshund of Time shall meet the wise and all-knowing Pug of Perspicacity.

Speaking of large bicycles and preparing for the Apocalypse, a reader recently spotted this "Mad Max"-inspired chopper bicycle in Berlin, Germany:

I'm guessing the gentleman on the right is the new owner; having just purchased the bike at the German Walmart, he's now perusing the owner's manual. Or, another way to get ready for the Apocalypse is to pretend that the chain drive never even happened in the first place. Yet another reader emailed me this photo, which is what the world of cycling would look like today if the "p-far" had remained the dominant bicycle design:

Apparently, in his universe cycling bypassed the chain drive and went straight to DayGlo. He's even using clipless pedals--though they couldn't be very good, since they didn't cost $630:

I was alerted to this stunningly expensive pedal by a friend (no, the other friend--I have a grand total of two), and while $630 may seem like a lot of money to spend on a pedal, keep in mind that it also comes with one-time use cleat-mounting screws and a grease gun:

It also has a weight limit of 185lbs, which is yet another example of the Universal Rich Roadie Equipment Paradox: "If you can afford it, you are also too heavy to use it." As a corollary to that, if you lust after ridiculous equipment like this, you also wear white cycling shoes:

The above is a still from a Sidi commercial, in which Alberto Contador has substituted his trademark "fingerbang" with a "shoebang." You can see this commercial on the Sidi website, but I don't recommend you do that since it's buried and not directly linkable; furthermore, like all Italian websites the Sidi one is riddled with animation and bad music, and if you're at work it will cause you even more embarrassment than a porn site pop-up. However, also on the site is a commercial of which a number of readers have informed me, and one which I had not seen--until now. Yes, it's Filippo Pozzato naked, and he displays his unfinished back tattoo:

His "abs:"


And even his nipple:


He also uses a pair of Sidis to censor his genitals:

While you might think that Pozzato has been slathered in some sort of cooking oil, the fact is that he has actually had himself permanently clearcoated. By the way, the only thing roadies love more than white Sidi shoes is obsessing over cosmetic flaws in their equipment, waking up in night sweats, and penning desperate epistles to Lennard Zinn:

In fact, late last night I found myself doing the same thing:

Dear Lennard,


I have a Filippo Pozzato who has performed well since 2000. Now he has a small chip in his clearcoat, helped along no doubt when my helper monkey took a fancy to him. What's the best way to repair any damage?


--BSNYC


No response from Zinn yet, though I read on a forum somewhere that he's rebuildable and that I can use parts from my old Mario Cipollini to repair him.

108 comments:

Scurvy said...

hi

Anonymous said...

still anonymous

Visegripmikey said...

http://www.engadget.com/2010/04/08/yikebike-foldable-electric-bicycle-hands-on/

Visegripmikey said...

That should slow down the pack.

streepo said...

top five!!!

Nogocyclist said...

Oh Well.

Astroluc said...

Tlop Tlen?

StillNotWorking said...

Speechless but top 10.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Anonymous said...

Top Ten, and I read the whole post

Anonymous said...

OILD NIPL

Fred said...

Damn. Once a Fred, always a Fred.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

debichan1a said...

top 20?

luciferyellow said...

That's not Alberto Contador, that's clearly David Copperfield in that picture; which means those shoes must be magical...

Bad Lawyer said...

The updated P-far is my bike of the future.

mikeweb said...

Whoa! Just scrolling through that post and seeing some of the photos burned my eyes.

g said...

I have to say that at least the old Cippo model came with naked women accessories. Greasy, but naked.

thegock said...

DACS HUND

Blaiser said...

Top 20?

singlespeedspinning said...

top 20

Anonymous said...

Baby Seal walks into a bar. Bartender says "what'll you have" Baby Seal says "Any thing but a Canadian Club" OOOHHH!!

dano said...

Contador or Copperfield? Hard to say.

Anonymous said...

Am I hard enough?
Am I rough enough?
Am I rich enough?
I'm not too blind too seeeeeee

Anonymous said...

If you can't afford a Surly longtail you can always build a cheaper uglier version- http://www.instructables.com/id/How-to-Build-a-Longtail-Cargo-Bike/

hillbilly said...

that's way more than i wanted to see. i do love my sidi's though, and often end up in a similar position with them. i'm no big time hot stuff euro star racer or anything, but vito is welcome to come over!

hillbilly said...

ps - is spencer inside the red thing?

Nogocyclist said...

Visegripmikey, They misspelled the name of that bike in your link. It should be spelled The "Yikes" Bike foldable electric.

Snob, Load that thing up. You should be able to take Spenser, your wife, the Dachshund of Time, your helper monkey, and even your helper Ostrich with room to spare. Head on over to Whole Foods get some cockles and some Nigerian dwarf goat cheese, then head on over to the banks of the Big Shanky and have a pleasant picnic on the water.

System Administrator said...

All you haters suck my duck.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Nogocyclist,

I don't think I could afford that outing--that's like a $900 picnic!

--BSNYC

acquiesce808 said...

ok, admit it... how many of you hesitated a moment, hovering over the "presenting baboon" link, but clicked on it anyway? (i sure did, but can't take it back now...)

ringcycles said...

I wonder if Frilly is swooning over the Alberto as Prince Charming Sidi Ad? The seductive stare at the camera, extending his pristine slippers toward you, yep, its practically the cover of cycling romance novel.

wishiwasmerckx said...

What do you say to a Mallard about to swim into a low-hanging branch?

ervgopwr said...

Let's see Vito riding on the back of your big dummy.

SURF MNKY

frilly said...

Oh my. If he's looking for accessories, I would gladly baptize myself in a barrel of olive oil for the opportunity to slide around on those abs.

Wow. Those pics make me feel all kinds of hot & bothered.

ant1 said...

speaking of sidi's, i just won a pair of dragon 2's. still breaking them in, so i can't declare my love for them yet. stay tuned for naked pics...

frilly said...

Conta-who?

Visegripmikey said...

*bartender serves a lamb sandwich*
http://bikyamasr.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/lamb.jpg

JTK said...

SHOE BANG

Nogocyclist said...

Snob,

touché

Anonymous said...

what, no wheelbrows? they must be on back-order.

shoegazer said...

"If you can afford it, you are also too heavy to use it."
brilliant! ... so brilliant! thanks yet again Snobby!

Udder said...

I wonder if Pozzato knows that the tattoos on his back are in English, not Italian.

Also, I don't think he's clear coated, I think he just sweats olive oil.

Anonymous said...

I'm all for biking for fun and transport, but sometimes you just need a car or truck to haul stuff. The surley big dummy seems ill-conceived to me, unless of course you are a carpenter with a DUI.

Anonymous said...

I can afford it and am not too heavy for it.

regards,

Asshole

Loren said...

Don't part out your Cipollini, it's a classic, you'll never forgive yourself! Place it in the PDX airport bicycle museum!
http://bikeportland.org/2008/04/03/oregon-made-bike-exhibit-debuts-at-portland-airport/

Billy Reid said...

I appreciate the Big Dummy photos of actual things being hauled (or at least pondering the possibility of hauling them). It seems like 98% of the Big Dummys I see are hauling absolutely nothing.
I've kind of wanted to get a Big Dummy and actually haul stuff with it so that I can act smug to all the Big Dummy fronters.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

May your beard of stars grow full and long.

Isolation Helmet said...

I would love to see a hipster on his big dummy fixed gear fully loaded trying to perform a skid stop.

I guess in the end he would need to perform the drag feet and introduce pants yabbies to top tube move.

leroy said...

BSNYC --

I believe the proper spelling of "mishigas" is "mishegos."

But the noted scholar Leo Rosten provides alternative spellings of "mishegoss" and "mishegaas."

(And Frilly can deny it all she wants, but we know she comes here for the etymological disquisitions and not the Wesson soaked Italian roadie photos. Honestly, given the choice, what woman wouldn't prefer erudite repartee on Latin spelling?)

Nogocyclist said...

I was going to leave the comment "touché" as is. It said all I needed to say. Then I made the mistake of doing a search for it on the web. Touché actually has a direct link to the subject matter of this blog and even my comment.

Touché is a restaurant in Portland that uses the delivery service Portland Pedal Power. I thought they looked like an expensive restaurant but I believe you could take the whole crew here for less than the total cost of the Big Skanky picnic. (It's prices are average for it's type of restaurant. If it was close to me, I would try it.)

If you leave now on the Big Dummy you should be able to get there in time for the July 4th happy hour.

Baby Snob would even have the honor of being able to say later in life "My fricken dad is such a bike freak, I was even born on the back of a bike going cross country to eat at a stinking restaurant. To this day my mom still calls him by the name of the bike we were on. You 'Big Dummy'"

Anonymous said...

BoB... that was a Jeopardy question last night!

Salty Seattle said...

OH MY!

Snobbie, you are forever my liege.

ringcycles said...

The Sidi site can't be MORE embarassing than pop up porn, since the Pozatto ad basically IS italian softcore. At very least its got Frilly all steamed up. Not sure what it does for the rest of us, not sure I even want to know.

TJ Eckleburg said...

Great post, Snobby, had quite a few chuckles.

Fat said...

I knew better than to click on the "presenting baboon" link...but curiosity won gain. Thank-you for the ripe red anus etched into my mind.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

CLER COAT
BUKK KAKE

Jefe said...

I'm glad you approve of the Big Dummy. And for those of us who have lawns, the ease of strapping the mower on the back of the bike and pedaling out onto the grass to dismount and unload, is much more exciting than the sweaty ectomorph on sidigayporn.com.

Anonymous said...

OH MY!

Snobbie, you are forever my Leige-Bastogne-Liege.

Sigurd said...

It's the classic "Batman vs. Bruce Wayne" conundrum. Does a guy named Eben Weiss have a secret identity as the Bike Snob? Or is it really the Bike Snob who pretends to be this guy named Eben Weiss?

Chuckles said...

BAAB BOON

REDD ASSS

CommieCanuck said...

Wow, from that SIDI ad, I never before realized that Contadoper and David Copperfield were the same person.
Aba ca-finger bang.

CommieCanuck said...

It's the classic "Batman vs. Bruce Wayne" conundrum. Does a guy named Eben Weiss have a secret identity as the Bike Snob? Or is it really the Bike Snob who pretends to be this guy named Eben Weiss?

Does this mean the ironic orange julius bike is really a bat-o-bike?

And Spencer is Robin? Holy latent homosexuality!

Salty Seattle said...

God, I love you guys...

Happy Friday Eve, everyone!

Salty Seattle said...

Frilly-

Just catching up from being sick.

Yes, Jim's comments were awesome.

Kinda miss his humor..

i am the engine. said...

http://www.bicycling.com/topbikefriendlycities/slide10.html

What the fuck, we're number 8 , we're number 8. whooo.

What douche comes up with these rankings?

No nyt, or wsj on review of wall mart fixie?

hillbilly said...

those rankings were hysterical, iamtheengine. the explanations were the best part, things like "there are even police officers on bikes, that's how bike crazy this place is!"

g said...

My Favorite, #27:

"Philly suffered a setback in late 2009 when a cyclist struck and killed a pedestrian, causing outrage to erupt against the cyclists at large. But besides that..."

Yeah, other than the outrage and death, a pretty good place to ride a bike!

Batman said...

To the Bat Cave, Robin!

Fierce Panties said...

If anyone has an image of the Four Recumbent Riders of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse please post a link or email me.

gaudyoldetestebicyclesociety@gmail.com

db said...

Chuck Norris + P-far + aero bars = ?

Howard said...

Are ducks right-wingers or left-wingers?

Begging for bannishment said...

A guy walks in to a store with a duck on his head. The clerk says "My that's an awful looking growth you have there." The man says, "That's not a growth... that's my duck." He replies, "I was talking to the duck."

Rick Donkey said...

BSNYC/RTMS, every once in a while you put up a post that has me laughing during the entire read. This was one of those times.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

more smug than the big dummy society...how about a modern low trail porteur?

Fred said...

Since Snob only gave the outline, I thought it might be helpful to expand on the cosmology of the End of Days. The Four Recumbent Riders of the Apocalypes (aka, The Fredgül), represent the Four Cardinal Cities of Cycling:

Portland: The Fred of the West wears a soiled bunny outfit and a Bell Tourlite helmet fitted with spring-mounted googly eyes. Super-power: hideous vegan gas.

Minneapolis: Remarkably polite for a soul-less angel of death, the Fred of the North can be recognized by the mixture of road salt and nasal effluent stored in is his long, white beard. Super-power: lack of emotions.

New York: a Columbia media studies professor who rides a recumbent of his own design and construction, the Fred of the East protects himself from the elements with a stained 60/40 parka made from a Frostline kit in 1978. Super-power: Judaism, post-structuralism.

Texas: Sometimes appears in the form of a 1998 Chevy Silverado dually with a helmet lodged in the grill. The largest-bellied of the Fredgül, the Fred of the South is typically clad in a three-sizes too small Longhorn-themed Primal jersey. His bushy red beard is usually decorated with dead cicadas and barbecue sauce. Super-power: Sarah Palin.

System Administrator said...

OK, this is really pissing me off. Enough is enough. Stop the duck jokes or I will personally evoke the Four Freds of the Apocalypso, and they'll make you ride a catamaran for the rest of eternity.

Anonymous said...

If the non-plussed journalist owns a pet, I imagine it is the Pug of Perspicacity.

Goose said...

BSNYC: How much is that duck?
Shopkeeper: Ten dollars.
BSNYC: Okay, could you please send me the bill?
Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird.

aaarrrrggggg...

Anonymous said...

Speaking of long bikes one would think that having excess disposable income would buy taste or perhaps common sense, not always..

pixelpeeps said...

"which had been stripped more thoroughly than a bikini waxer depilates an exotic dancer's genitals". I would think snob would have done enough research to know that exotic dancers always shave, not wax, since they can never let their hair grow out long enough to wax.

cyclotourist said...

The Sidi website is the worst I've ever seen. I refuse to ever go there again. Lake has a pretty good one though. I like their shoes more, too.

creremerson said...

I want some of those sidi pedals for my Big Dummy. They'll go nicely with my aero bars.

cyclegoddess said...

Pay that much for speedplay?Hah!
Do what I do.Befriend a fellow cyclist who likes to upgrade...alot. Then get them off him.

But I guess getting the glittery Sidi shoes wont work. Hes straight and doesnt favor shoes 6 sizes too small, sigh.

creremerson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
creremerson said...

I can easily fit four 20L jerry cans plus additional supplies on the back of my Big Dummy. This means I can carry enough Liquified Smug (LS for short - similar molecular structure to LSD) to sustain me for an entire grueling, unsupported desert crossing with enough in reserve to do a Critical Mass ride on return... with all the participants on the back of the Big Dummy.

Shiny Flu said...

Dear Sidi Shoes & Filippo Pollazatto. YOU HAVE RUINED WATCHING THE SPRING CLASSICS. Why oh why do you weird arse Italians think that cyclists (the large majority being male) want to see a douche with "only god can judge me" tattooed on his back nacked and covered in cooking oil with a pair of ghey white shoes in front... of his Italian-Man-Olives & Spaghetti?

I vow to never ever ever ever buy a pair of Sidi shoes. I also will now have to add "poppo" to my list of all time cycling douchebags:

1) Alberto 'fingerbang' Contador
2) Michael 'the chicken feeding on EPO' Rasmusen
3) Greg 'I want to lance Armstrong up the date' LeMond
4) Alex 'Verry nice EPO! How Much?' Vinokockov
5) Ricardo 'slimey skanky snake' Ricco
6) Filippe 'eM egduJ naC doG ylnO - Italian Man olives' Pollazatto

ant1 said...

i saw a recumbent tandem last night. i didn't get a pic though.

creremerson said...

Seriously though Mr Snob, I think you have made a mistake investing your time in the Big Dummy. When the Surly Racing Team engineering department (and the advisors they brought in from NASA - credit where it is due) were running the extensive super computer simulations during Big Dummy frame design, adding a little bit of material here and shaving a little off there, I think they may have made a miscalculation. Or, perhaps the CroMo alloy they chose for the tubing is not quite right, the percentage of the element Sm might be too low? I can't be sure what oversight has caused it, but the ride just doesn't feel how I expected. Sure it's stable and smooth, but I am definitly not feeling the degree of smug that I thought I would for the money.

My only other guess is that the engineers have installed a computer chip somewhere in the frame that records your mileage and many other factors and which will only open the valve to allow the smug to flow (like a Specialized Brain with a brain) when you have ridden enough car replacement miles to render your Big Dummy carbon neutral. This calculation includes the embodied energy in the frame, the components, the many other components that came and went, the air freight for the components bought online, the electricity used spending a 1/16th of a lifetime online researching, buying and commenting things bike.

So I'm afraid you might be testing the wrong bike if you want the full smug experience anytime soon. Those old school Dutch bikes look like a better bet as they wouldn't have any complex CroMo alloys, just straight Sm and they surely wouldn't have computer controlled smug regulation. I should be able to give you an answer on the computer chip theory once I've ridden, I reckon, about 13,000kms. Lucky the Big Dummy is ideal for riding around the world.

So not much smug, but some feelings I have found myself enjoying lately include:

Terror. Sharing [in italics] the road with mine workers drifting in and out of micro-sleeps on the drive home from 12 hour night shifts, and allowing pissed (my faith in human decency is less damaged if I imagine that alcohol is involved) red necks to use my Xtracycle Wideloaders to clean mud off their truck side steps. At least they yell out something in appreciation as they skim by, unfortunatly muffled by the road noise.

Slow. I may need to look at my position on the aero bars, or it could be I need to tweak the pressure I am running in the sweet Schwalbe Marathon Plus Tour tyres (1.1kg... each) that I bought online and recieved via air freight.

Thanks for the great blog

creremerson said...

Obviously I meant to say complex CroMoSm alloy, CroMo is as old school as straight Sm.

Fierce Panties said...

@Fred
I'm been following your comments on this blog since back in the day, and I have to say that although this is your best work to date we still need photos.

Send my love to your beard,
FP

CommieCanuck said...

A duck walks into a hardware store, the owner says, "hey, we have some tape named after you."
The duck replies, "what..Greg?"

mikeweb said...

I second the compliments of the commentary opus of Fred.

Fred said...

@FP wrote:
I'm been following your comments on this blog since back in the day, and I have to say that although this is your best work to date we still need photos.

Send my love to your beard


Thanks, FP (and MikeW), but the Fredgül cannot be photographed. They are like vampires only instead of sucking blood, they simply suck.

I think I have some of your love in my beard already.

Kim said...

Brilliant!!

gih said...

oh! what a poor dog. The bike is too high for him.

Anonymous said...

ITs hard to decide whats worse.
Pizattos creepy nipple, his super skiny arms of the perverted smile he has while standing naked with a pair of white shoes.

Opps....looks like I just judged him, guess he needs to finish that "tat" now.

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yogisurf said...

Red Lantern.

Herrien said...

Nice post, thanks for sharing this wonderful and useful information with us.

Green Tea

Anonymous said...

pippo's nipples are tiny

Michael said...

snob. why would you care if someone pays that much for pedals.

its funny you speak about practicality in a lot of your posts but then buy a fairly impractical bike. which you probably dont need and could buy panniers for.

done.

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Anonymous said...

He said what?

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