Beasts of Burden: Long Bikes and Shiny Riders

In the year 2019, when we're all living in condos on the Moon and watching holographic three-dimensional television shows that you can smell, we will occasionally gather at soirées during which we will nibble on space canapés, sip intergalactic wine, and reflect fondly on the scorched and barren Earth we've all left behind. In particular, we will probably reminisce about the year 2010, which will go down in history for three reasons: it was the year that wacky tablet computer came out; it was the year that wacky Walmart "fixed-speed" bike came out; and it was the year that the Four Recumbent Riders of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse descended from the heavens and laid waste to our home planet. Lo, their fragrant beards were made of stars and like unto the Milky Way, their helmet mirrors bore witness to the fate of humanity, and their hairy legs and SPD sandals did cause the ground to tremble when they did stop for granola and a "pee-pee break" in the midst of their ravagings.

Of course, none of this has happened yet, but the Dachshund of Time is already cowering in fear, as you can see in this Fixedgeargallery entry which was forwarded to me by a couple of readers:

Look deep into those terrified eyes and witness the horror of the End of Days:

Or maybe that's not the horror of the End of Days; maybe its just an intense canine craving for some Jerky Treats.

In any case, pending this whole apocalyptic mishigas (or meh-shigas) I have been living every day like it's my last, by which I mean I have been siting around watching TV and drinking heavily in order to quell a vague underlying sense of doom. I've also been assembling bicycles, and on the very same day I wrestled with the Mongoose Cachet and its unfortunate nuts which had been stripped more thoroughly than a bikini waxer depilates an exotic dancer's genitals, I also put together that Surly Big Dummy I mentioned last week. Here it is, all putted together and carrying a red thing:

(Can't wait to lose the lame Xtracycle and dork-railleurs and turn this baby into a fixed-gear!)

I should note that, while it took more time to assemble the Big Dummy, it was also a lot easier. This is because the stuff that was already on there was put there properly (including the pie plate, which I removed and burned), and the stuff that wasn't fit neatly together with the stuff that was. Even performing a bris on the uncut steer tube was easier than un-binding the Mongoose's dastardly headset. Anyway, here it is from the rear, seductively displaying its red thing like a "presenting" baboon:

I realize this is a diminutive load that a garden Bushwick variety undernourished "hipster" could probably transport in his capacious designer messenger bag, but in my defense I was merely getting a feel for the beast and taking it for a "shakedown ride." Rest assured I'm quite aware of the unwieldy payloads that smug Big Dummy owners (as well as owners of other load-bearing bikes) manage to haul. I even visited the webular site of the "Surly Big Dummy Society" and looked at the gallery. Just some of the crap these people are way too proud of themselves for carrying includes ladders:

Lawnmowers:

And other bikes:

Unfortunately, I don't own a ladder or a lawnmower, and while the carrying other bikes thing is intriguing it's also worth noting that putting a derailleur on your mountain bike is a good deal cheaper than purchasing a Big Dummy so you don't have to frantically spin your undergeared singlespeed to the trailhead. Then again, some people actually buy cars just to transport their singlespeeds to the trailhead, so I suppose all of this is relative, and I can certainly see how a multi-bike outing could be fun. In any case, in addition to the red thing I also carried some cheese:


At this point, the question isn't whether this bike is useful (it is) or difficult to ride (it isn't); it's how neatly a New York City apartment-dweller can integrate a nearly seven-foot-long bicycle into his or her life. As hard as we may be trying, this isn't Portland, and many of us live a good portion of our lives above street level. Furthermore, we don't always have the luxury of leaving our bicycles at street level, since that's where most of the crime takes place. I'll keep you posted, and if all else fails I can always unfurl the nylon flaps, form a crude lean-to, and live in the park:

Or, I could simply exchange it for another cargo bike with a shorter wheelbase:

At the End of Days, the Dachshund of Time shall meet the wise and all-knowing Pug of Perspicacity.

Speaking of large bicycles and preparing for the Apocalypse, a reader recently spotted this "Mad Max"-inspired chopper bicycle in Berlin, Germany:

I'm guessing the gentleman on the right is the new owner; having just purchased the bike at the German Walmart, he's now perusing the owner's manual. Or, another way to get ready for the Apocalypse is to pretend that the chain drive never even happened in the first place. Yet another reader emailed me this photo, which is what the world of cycling would look like today if the "p-far" had remained the dominant bicycle design:

Apparently, in his universe cycling bypassed the chain drive and went straight to DayGlo. He's even using clipless pedals--though they couldn't be very good, since they didn't cost $630:

I was alerted to this stunningly expensive pedal by a friend (no, the other friend--I have a grand total of two), and while $630 may seem like a lot of money to spend on a pedal, keep in mind that it also comes with one-time use cleat-mounting screws and a grease gun:

It also has a weight limit of 185lbs, which is yet another example of the Universal Rich Roadie Equipment Paradox: "If you can afford it, you are also too heavy to use it." As a corollary to that, if you lust after ridiculous equipment like this, you also wear white cycling shoes:

The above is a still from a Sidi commercial, in which Alberto Contador has substituted his trademark "fingerbang" with a "shoebang." You can see this commercial on the Sidi website, but I don't recommend you do that since it's buried and not directly linkable; furthermore, like all Italian websites the Sidi one is riddled with animation and bad music, and if you're at work it will cause you even more embarrassment than a porn site pop-up. However, also on the site is a commercial of which a number of readers have informed me, and one which I had not seen--until now. Yes, it's Filippo Pozzato naked, and he displays his unfinished back tattoo:

His "abs:"


And even his nipple:


He also uses a pair of Sidis to censor his genitals:

While you might think that Pozzato has been slathered in some sort of cooking oil, the fact is that he has actually had himself permanently clearcoated. By the way, the only thing roadies love more than white Sidi shoes is obsessing over cosmetic flaws in their equipment, waking up in night sweats, and penning desperate epistles to Lennard Zinn:

In fact, late last night I found myself doing the same thing:

Dear Lennard,

I have a Filippo Pozzato who has performed well since 2000. Now he has a small chip in his clearcoat, helped along no doubt when my helper monkey took a fancy to him. What's the best way to repair any damage?

--BSNYC

No response from Zinn yet, though I read on a forum somewhere that he's rebuildable and that I can use parts from my old Mario Cipollini to repair him.