To Whom It May Concern: Letting Things Take Care of Themselves

Life is full of little miseries: ingrown toenails; Lady Gaga songs played in public forums; and inferior coffee that has not been properly prepared by means of a Japanese slow-dripping apparatus are just a few of the things that can make your day seem unpleasant. However, underneath all of these irritants lies a fundamental truth, which is that making yourself happy not only makes you feel good but also makes the world a better place. Indeed, happiness begets happiness, and once you learn this then your life can become a perpetual motion machine of joy.

Of course, the twist is that "happy" doesn't mean the little jolt of pleasure you get when you first throw your leg over that brand-new crabon dream bike; or you watch a minimum wage laborer pass a chamois over the sheet metal of your luxury automobile; or you see someone get kicked in the "pants yabbies." No, real happiness is the warm, pants-wetting feeling you get inside that causes you to beam beatifically and radiate pleasure, and it can come from nearly anywhere--simply feeling the spring sun shining on your face (or on your genitals, if you're a nudist) can be enough to not only warm your metaphorical cockles of your heart but also heat them into a delicious serving of Northumbrian cockle soup from which everybody may slurp. It's the simple joy of being part of the world working as it should, and you transfer this joy to others since when you talk to them you're all blissed out from the feeling of the sunshine on your groin instead of being all snappy because you've got a hangnail and you hate that freaking Lady Gaga song.

Granted, moments like these are fleeting, but with practice you can find them easier and hold onto them longer. Part of it is understanding yourself and knowing what makes you truly happy. For example, if riding your bike makes you happy you can derive joy from the simple act of transporting yourself. I experienced this recently as I crossed "The Big Skanky" into Manhattan:

As the spring sun shone ("shone" is pretentious for "shined") upon my visage ("visage" is pretentious for "mug"--and please note it does not refer to the genitals, since I was wearing pants) and I watched the pink jacket of the rider ahead of me billowing like the wings of a wheeled flamingo I suddenly felt awash in happiness. Between the jacket and the helmet and the color of the girders it was as though I was traveling along the gullet of a giant salmon, and I like to think that, however briefly, I was experiencing the profound pleasure that comes from surrendering one's ego to the collective consciousness. (Either that, or more likely I was having one of those LSD flashbacks they used to warn us about in school and I was momentarily "tripping balls.")

But not everybody is content to simply trust in The Way Life Works and to take their spiritual nourishment from the Universal Tureen. Some people don't want to be happy. Instead, they prefer to be "concerned." This is because there are three main ways to deal with the nervous energy we all accumulate as we go about our affairs: the first is to ground it in the pursuit of happiness; the second is to nullify it through distractions like intoxicants and frivolous purchases and "groinal collabos" obtained under false pretenses; and the third is to project it onto others--which is what being "concerned" is. When you're "concerned," you take something you're worried about in yourself and you attempt to regulate it in others. This is why preachers wind up embroiled in bizarre sex and drug scandals. This is also why people called "Concerned" leave comments like this on blogs in the middle of the night:

Concerned said...

Snob,

When are you going to start using this blog to bring greener change in our wasteful and consumerist society? Since im assuming you ride a bike you must already be concerned with the environment, but instead you put down beautiful creatures like the anas who are trying to survive in the pavement wasteland of New York.
I am pleased that you at least support the Just Coffee coop that is a local initiative that champions fair trade and organic coffee and helps the environment by purchasing from deserving farmers in South America.
I dont know about this lobster businesses, but God gave us this beautiful planet and now we must protect it. Try reading David Suzuki's Green Guide and it will put you on the right path.

March 17, 2010 3:31 AM

The answer to the first question is, of course, "Never." I also resent the assumption that, because I ride a bike, I'm "concerned with the environment." The truth is, I'm not concerned with the environment in the slightest bit. (I mean I love the environment, inasmuch as I love the world in which I live, but I'm not "concerned" about it.) Furthermore, I don't labor under the delusion that my riding a bicycle will somehow save it, or even that it's doomed in the first place. (If the world was going to end, it would have happened when this did.) I ride a bike for the simple reason that doing so makes me happy. If my being happy on a bike encourages someone else to seek and find happiness on a bike, and then the two of us being happy on a bike (separate bikes, not tandems) in turn encourages four more people to enjoy cycling, and one day we're all riding bicycles happily around a maypole in Times Square, then so be it, for that is The Way Life Works. Offices don't use less paper now because they're "concerned" about the rainforests; they use less paper because, when it comes to Getting Stuff Done, the Internet is awesome and paper sucks. I don't ride my bike into the city during rush hour because I'm "concerned with the environment;" I do it because pretending I'm riding down the gullet of a giant salmon on a spring day is awesome, and sitting in traffic for two hours listening to terrestrial radio and then trying to find parking sucks. Being human and doing what makes you truly happy makes the world better; being "concerned" yields two toxic by-products: religion, and smugness.

So if I advocate anything (which really I don't, since who the hell am I anyway?), it's doing what makes you happy. However, I should add that doing what makes you happy does not preclude exercising common sense. For example, we all want to get paid to do what makes us happy, but this is a bit more complicated than simply having fun and then holding out your hand for remuneration. In the world of cycling, the one thing people like almost as much as riding is buying bikes. So, once you realize how hard it is to get paid to ride, it's tempting to then try to get paid to help other people buy stuff, as you can see in this ad which was forwarded to me by a reader:

Bicycling Consultant - $25 (Cincinnati Area)
Date: 2010-03-10, 2:50PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

If you need assistance researching, assessing, finding, shopping for, or otherwise learning the options available for your bicycling application or need, I can help. This service applies to whole bikes, parts, accessories, marketplace etc...anything related to the bicycle. For a one time charge, I will get you the information you need, plus direct you to the related resource for acquiring the item. That could be local Bike shop, regional/national shops or manufacturers directly, or online resources. Basically, I will steer you to a source for fulfillment, armed with pertinent specific information, based on my knowledge and experience from over 40 years of cycling of all types: Commuter, Road, Touring, BMX racing & Freestyle, Trials, BMX Vert / Park, Mountain Biking, Freeride, Downhill etc.. There are some progressive technology options in use and on the horizon (Electric power assist, Internally geared hubs, belt drive systems, shaft drive systems, suspension systems, multi-compound tire tech, electric shifting, Carbon, titanium, and wood frames, Fork options, Lighting systems, Disc brakes, carbon wheels, the list of innovation goes on and on) I am very in touch with current and future trends in Bicycle technology and I think I can be of value to you in saving you time and effort doing the research. I can efficiently get you the information you need to meet your cycling goals. Thanks.

We've seen this sort of enterprise before--in fact, you may recall "The Bike Shrink:"

As far as this guy in Cincinnati goes, all I'll say is that if you know so little about bicycles that you're considering paying a stranger on Craigslist $25 instead of walking into a few bike shops for free, then you certainly don't need to worry about things like "shaft drive systems," "electric shifting," and "wood frames." I'm guessing if you asked him to recommend a bicycle for riding to the office he'd probably come up with something like this. Really, thinking you can just sit back and dispense bicycle advice to strangers for money is similar to the post-adolescent heterosexual male fantasy that you can become a gigolo and get paid to have sex with attractive women. I mean, sure, you can get paid to have sex, but as Joe Buck will tell you the reality of the enterprise is a little less savory. Plus, he's not even teaching you how to harness the awesome power of gravity:

I'm glad there's someone out there who will teach me how to be a gravity-wrangler because I've been having a hard time getting the hang of it. This is why I float to the ceiling every morning when I get out of bed. It seems to me that the aspiring mountain bikers and the aspiring roadies should just switch places, since roadies are always trying to defy gravity yet apparently mountain bikers can't even figure it out how it works.

Then again, there's nothing wrong with a little advice, especially when more and more companies are allowing you to "build your own" bike. As it happens, Republic, the very company that brought you the "customizable" mail-order "fixie," is now branching out into Dutch bikes:

I must say that this seems like a much more appropriate use of hi-ten tubing, especially since a Dutch-style bike is much better than a road-style bike when it comes to draping yourself over it languidly:

I just hope he's concerned with the environment.