The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Being On the Lookout

As I mentioned in my previous post, yesterday I (or, more accurately, my Scattante) was the victim of a brazen cockpit theft. Well, I'm pleased to report that yesterday evening I performed approximately 20 minutes of cockpit reconstruction surgery on the victim,and it has now been restored to full rideability. Furthermore, thanks to my ability to operate simple tools (roughly on par with that of a capuchin monkey) as well as my substantial cache of bicycle crap, the procedure cost me nothing apart from the subway fare I incurred in transporting the victim home. (I briefly considered simply leaving the Scattante where it was, returning later, and performing the surgery in situ, but I prefer to "wrench" pantsless and didn't want to end up in prison--or worse, on some schlocky local news blog like Gothamist.)

Once again, I will use this opportunity to reiterate that when commuting in New York City or any similarly theft-prone environment one should be reconciled to the loss of one's bicycles or bicycle components prior to setting out in the morning. If you are, then the theft is simply an inconvenience rather than a gut-wrenching loss. In this case the incident was only marginally more irritating than incurring a flat and not having a tube or patch kit, and I only wish I had had the foresight to carry a spare cockpit with me. Actually, after seeing the following video which was forwarded to me by the filmmaker I'm now considering traveling with a spare bicycle at all times:

Bridging the Gap Vol.1 from Joseph Lobato on Vimeo.

Notice the rider is "saving the track bike" by reserving the BMX for tricks.

Still, while I was only slightly bothered by the purloined cockpit incident that does not mean I'm not on the lookout. One reader has forwarded me the following Craigslist posting, which might offer a clue:

Bike Steerers - $1 (Greenwich Village)
Date: 2010-03-08, 4:53PM EST
Reply to: [deleted]

Can you help me it wont fit on my bike and I cant ride without it on there that well. Im looking for trade for a necklace with a crystal or maybe a coupon for something or if youre chill with it i have a bike seat and a copple of petals too. i also found a brake handles on it as well but they come as is because i dont think they work too well. HOT HOT HOT looking to sell real quick. A bike is the best way to go in the New York City if you know whats up. Coem to visit and you wont regret it. I have a coppel of other bikes as well because im a busness man and always looking for good deals. Call to book a reservation I can meet you or you can meet me but i really cant bring too many bikes because i can only ride with like 2 at a time. Ok the steerer is looking like the one in the photo but it says Tompson on it and the boss at the bike shop says its PLATNUM plated and the best you can get its what Lanse Armestrong uses on the Tour it feels real lite. Also I think the bars are mountain bike bars with gripts of rubber so you can ride off road if you are a mountainbiker. the second picture is of anothe r bike if you want to trade for the steerer that goes in there ill bring the price down.

Thansk for looking and happy bidding!

I'm assuming this posting is fabricated, but then again one should never overestimate the literary prowess of the typical Craigslist seller. Could the stem that "says Tompson on it and the boss at the bike shop says its PLATNUM plated and the best you can get its what Lanse Armestrong uses on the Tour it feels real lite" be mine? Could the "mountain bike bars with gripts of rubber" be mine too? Am I mistaken in thinking "grips of rubber" sounds vaguely Dylanesque, like "Spanish Boots of Spanish Leather?" Since the seller was interested in a coupon I did send a reply offering an expired voucher from Jiffy Lube good for one free car wash, but unfortunately my email bounced back to me. I guess I may never know.

Elsewhere in the Craigslist universe (but having nothing to do with my missing cockpit) was this $40 "vintage single speed," forwarded to me by another reader:

Vintage Single Speed - $40 (Humboldt Park)
Date: 2010-03-06, 8:41PM CST
Reply to: [deleted]

Up for sale is a stripped Allpro 10 speed bicycle converted to a single speed. Features: Orange/Blue New Your Knicks colorway, spray painted blue wheels and seat post, JUN stem, Schwinn seat, Trek grips, cut&flipped bull horn style bars, mid-city gear setup. Bike is in working order with (1) working front brake, tires that hold air and tight components. Ready to ride and a perfect commuter for a great price. Get your ride on while the snow is gone!

ATTN: This is a cruiser style bike with 26x1 3/8 tires! Not a Road Bike or Fixed Gear! Please read description closely!

Wheels: 26in.
Size: M (fits rider 5ft 6' to 5ft 9')
Standover height: 30in.
Gear: 42x15

Big pic here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/riskyrax/4412701460/


Really "feeling" the "New Your Knicks colorway" and the "epic" blue pie plate, but otherwise the post was little more than a hastily spraypainted cul-de-sac.

Since Craigslist was no help I realized I had to turn my attention to the real world, and as any good detective will tell you, anything out of the ordinary can be a potential clue. (Actually, I've never spoken to a detective, but it seems like something one would say.) For this reason, I paid special attention to this truck:

While a less savvy person might not think the phrase "Follow this van for the freshest fish in town" has anything to do with bicycles, I knew immediately that "fresh fish" is criminal underworld slang for "hot bike parts," and so I gave chase. Unfortunately, only moments later, I lost the vehicle in the wilds of Grand Army Plaza (a highly dangerous place where the Audis and Subarus of Park Slope do battle with the "dollar vans" of Flatbush and the Hasidim-filled minivans of Crown Heights) and so I now have no choice but wake up early one of these mornings, don my noseplugs, and hit the fish market.

Admittedly, I was disheartened, and like so many who lose faith in the real world I turned to The Great Lobster for guidance. Visiting me in a dream, He told me that if I turned my Oracular Jake Gyllenhaal Pie Plate upon the Great Skanky and peered through it, I would find that for which I seek. So, the next morning, I did just that:


At first nothing happened, but after a few moments I became kind of queasy (like I had just eaten some tainted peanut butter) and saw this:

I'm not sure what it means, though I suspect the so-called "Nonplussed Journalist" may be trying to tell me that my cockpit was stolen by two men wearing green pants.

Once my revery subsided I grabbed hold of my newly-installed cockpit and continued to pilot my Scattante into Manhattan, where I not only looked for the Green Pants Gang but also gazed longingly at other cockpits. (I generally don't recommend staring at other people's cockpits, but if you absolutely must do it at least try to be discreet.) Here's one in the classic "snake fangs" configuration:


Here's the less common "double joystick" setup:

It seemed as though everywhere I looked there were bizarre cockpits. However, there were no men in green pants--though I did see a woman in a pink helmet riding a bicycle on the sidewalk with her dog:

As you can see, the dog is wearing a jacket. Since it was a warm day and this is right around where I saw that hawk I'm guessing the garment was intended to protect the dog from airborne attacks. Presumably it's also lined with kevlar to prevent it from being pierced by razor-sharp talons.

Speaking of menacing creatures stalking the streets, a short while later I found myself sharing the bike lane with an inline skater:

(All You Haters Skitch Off My Backpack Straps)

At one point, the light in front of him turned red and a gaggle of people in sensible suits began to cross the street. However, instead of stopping or even slowing, the skater simply kept going and charged right through them, leaving in his wake a whitewater of nonplussed expressions. While I've seen innumerable cyclists do just this, pedestrians have a special look when the perpetrator is using inline skates. The reason for this, I believe, is two-fold. Firstly, unlike a cyclist, an inline skater is practically a pedestrian too apart from the fact that he's wearing shoes with tiny wheels, and so the failure to stop amounts to a betrayal. (The skater is able to commingle with pedestrians yet at the same time move much more quickly than the traditionally-shod. In this sense, inline skates have the power amplify a pedestrian's prickishness in the same way a microphone allows a bad singer to suck even louder.) Secondly, the fact that the skater is just so dorky makes the whole thing just that much more insulting.

Here's another view of the menacing skater:

Notice the fleece pullover, which is to inline skaters what a leather jacket is to a Harley rider. By the way, I feel as though I should make it clear that in principle I have nothing against those who like to have wheely-feet, for I too have felt the thrill of wearing shoes that roll. Granted, it was many years ago in the relative safety of Hot Skates, but that made it no less intoxicating. Indeed, just as fast brakeless cycling is often best performed in the velodrome, perhaps Mr. Greenfleece should consider "hitting up" the roller rink. (Though hopefully he doesn't wind up terrorizing some 10 year-old's birthday party.)

Alas, it would seem that my stolen cockpit would not reveal itself on this particular commute, and that I had come to a dead end--much like this bike lane Guangzhou (wherever that is) which was sent to me by another reader:

I guess you're supposed to use the manhole.