Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Feeling Freaky: Who Needs Insight?

Like the brakeless rider who does not consider how he will stop his bicycle until he's at the bottom of the hill, the light is red, and an SUV is approaching the intersection, I do not always think things through. For example, when I announced "The Great Meh BSNYC Free Scat Contest!" yesterday, it did not occur to me that perusing people's tales of lament would take a great psychic toll on me. Indeed, to "curate" this contest is to enter a world of injury, theft, pain, and heartache, and the subsequent angst can be assuaged only with spirits. It was not yet sundown yesterday when I began drinking, and it was not yet time for the evening news when I found myself passed out face-down in a bowl of cold macaroni and cheese. Alas, there are too many deserving souls and too few mail-order singlespeeds, and it saddens me that I have but one to give.

Today, however, brings perspective, and after consuming my customary hangover concoction (consisting of apple juice, black pepper, skim milk, and a shot of that disgusting yellow water that's always first to emerge from a squeeze bottle of mustard) I now realize that I must focus on the positive. So instead of dwelling on the many people I will disappoint, I will instead imagine the joy that will fill the life of the winner as well as the beauty that is a brand-new Scattante Americano Courier whatever-the-hell-they're-called. Which bike will the winner choose? Perhaps it will be this one:

It's clear from the new Scats that Performance did their homework this year. (I'm not saying they got an "A" or anything, but they did hand in a piece of paper with something written on it, and as a former mediocre student myself I say that counts.) Most noticeable is that Performance are keyed into the whole "different color fork" thing, which is very fashionable in fixed-gear freestyle right now, and which I assume they stole from the BMX crowd along with all their tricks. (I wonder if fixed-gear freestylers also install their forks much more slowly and awkwardly than BMX riders do, since that seems to be their approach to the tricks.) Performance is a bit behind the times on fashionable foot retention though, and I'm surprised they didn't spec any of the new bikes with some bootleg Hold Fasts. I've actually been using the real thing on my Scattante, and I've been pretty pleased with them. If you're unfamiliar with Hold Fasts, they work exactly like a pair of velcro bedroom slippers--the footwear of choice for the Thorazine-addled. This is why Hold Fast is an especially good choice for the intoxicated or those of limited faculties. (The latter is certainly why I chose them.) I may even "drop" my own version soon:

Made of tough drool-resistant materials, they'll grip your feet with the strength of a thousand patient restraints.

Of course, if you win the Scattante you're also going to need to win a proper bag. Fortunately, over at All Hail The Black Market, Stevil has announced a contest wherein you can do just that. Then, with a free bike and a free bag, you'll have plenty of money left over to drape yourself in Rapha. After all, spring will be here before you know it, and you can't cruise around town on a Hold-Tite®-equipped Scattante sporting a fancy new bag without a proper pair of "shants." Even if Rapha is out of your price range you have no excuse, because there's always eBay. In fact, a reader just forwarded me this auction for a pair of Rapha shants that would excite even the most heavily-sedated shopper:





Today, I'm selling some Rapha cycling shorts. Fixed Shorts, they are called. Rapha, for the uninformed visitor, is the pinnacle of aesthetic cycling wear. It is expensive, and only for the true connoisseur of design and performance. Or something like that. The point is, ladies and gentlemen, that possessing and wearing clothes made by Rapha makes you cool. It makes you rich. It means you go cycling in the French Pyrenees on the weekends until you get tired, then pop into your Audi A-whatever and go home, satisfied that your sleek, rich body is glistening with sleek, rich sweat.

Actually, I don't know if that's true. All I know is, my girlfriend bought them for me, found out I was a fixed-gear poseur (I rode a geared bike on the weekend) and cheated on me with a clove-smoking, knuckle-tattooed douche. And he wore cutoffs and white plimsolls. Double douche. Or she dumped me for him because he has a bigger penis than I do. Either way, I want nothing to do with these pants. And you do.

If, by some cosmic chance, you aren't sure if these pants are for you, you are wrong. They are. To prove it, I want you to read this. It is a secret story patch found WITHIN THE VERY WALLS of the shorts. Pants. Whatever:

Fixed.
Blue has been around for well over ten years now. When he started, his nickname made sense to everyone. Nowadays it doesn't need to make sense. After all, names rarely do. It could only be assumed that blue was the colour of his bike. That's how the guys identify each other. If you ask anyone where 'Bill' or 'Nick' is, you will always be faced with the question "What bike does he ride?" But now Blue's bike is an old green and white Puch track bike. No brakes, of course. His name hasn't changed though. "Hey Green and White!" wouldn't have the same ring. And besides, there's already someone else called Puch.

All true. I've even included and appropriately blurry picture so you can half doubt me with the aching curiosity that tells you it's true. Buy the Rapha Fixed Shorts.


Rapha really needs to hire that guy. He'd move more shants than a naked woman at bike polo tournament. (You know, because of the erections.)

So once you've got your urban singlespeed, and your bag, and your boutique foot retention system, and your shants, you will be ready to take to the streets--yes, the streets, and not the sidewalk. Most of us realize this, but sadly there are some motorists out there who do not. One of these motorists is someone named Gloria Fallon, who issued this "tweet" about 10 days ago which was forwarded to me by a reader:

There's certainly nothing new about people sharing moronic observations via social networking sites. For example, there's that Facebook group everybody was talking about, which I couldn't even be bothered to look at for the same reason I simply flush the toilet after using it instead of rummaging around in there for awhile and then smelling my own hand. However, this one held my attention for a number of reasons. Firstly, it's that particularly irritating form of idiocy that masquerades as wit. Secondly, there's nothing more noxious than the gas that forms when ignorance mingles with entitlement. Yes, why are bicycles allowed to ride on the street with cars? Well, I don't know, Gloria, but you can rest assured that your fellow idiots out there are at least trying to relegate bicycles to the skies. (Other questions along these same lines include: Why are women allowed to vote? Why can't I just kill people? Why are poor and ugly people allowed to shop in the same supermarket I am?) Thirdly, I'm reasonably sure that Gloria Fallon is Jimmy Fallon's sister (Why are bad comedians allowed to host talk shows?), which is the only reason I can think of that her quip was "retweeted" like 29 times:

Now, I'm fairly new to Twitter (yes, I'm on Twitter), but my understanding of a "retweet" is that it implies an endorsement, or an expectation that the sentiment expressed in the original "tweet" will be shared by one's followers. So, since Gloria Fallon appears to be the sister of a "celebrity," I wondered if any other "celebrities" shared her beffudlement. As it happens, there was one person of note who did seem to agree with her: columnist Joel Stein, who has over a million followers.

I suddenly imagined some awful cocktail party at which a tipsy Gloria Fallon approaches Joel Stein and, her lips and teeth stained with red wine, remarks to him: "Oh my God, Joel, I had the most annoying drive over here. There was like totally this biker guy in my way the whole time. Why are bicycles allowed to ride on the street with cars? Am I allowed to paddle a kayak in front of the QE2?" Instead of correcting her, Joel Stein simply clinks glasses with her and says, "I know, right? You're so clever, Gloria. Nice boating reference." Two hours later, they're groping each other in the bathroom.

Again, it's entirely possible that as a novice Twitter "curator" I've missed something, and that Joel Stein does not share Gloria Fallon's view on bicycles--especially since he's written about cycling for mainstream publications on a number of occasions. Maybe he simply retweeted her comment because he just assumed his legions of Twitter followers would realize immediately it was moronic. Then again, while Stein writes about cycling, he's not necessarily the most insightful commentator. For example, here's something he wrote about the Tour de France for the Los Angeles Times in 2008:

If you're like me, I'm sure you can't get enough of mainstream journalists associating doping and cycling--because, you know, there's no cheating in baseball. (Manny Ramirez was tested 15 times in 5 years. Lance Armstrong was tested 15 times since breakfast.) Then, he goes on to tip Cadel Evans as the winner:

Sure, Evans was looking really good there for awhile, but any real cycling fan knows he's about as likely to get through a Tour without choking as Jimmy Fallon is likely to get through a skit without laughing. Still, it's much easier to hire dilettantes with recognizable names, which is why the media industry is doing as well as it is. Here's another Tour bit from Stein in 2009, this one for ESPN:

I guess Stein has found a nice little sideline making fun of a relatively obscure sport for "mainstream sports" fans who know even less about it than he does. Incidentally, he does mention that he rides a bike, if only for brief periods of time--though presumably not in the street, since he'd be liable to delay Gloria Fallon. In any case, if you feel like a total freak--either as a cyclist or a cycling fan--this might help explain why.

95 comments:

Jefe said...

YeA

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

in like flynn

Easton Heights Blogger said...

oy!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Omnia vincit amor.

cadelunofficial said...

i do everything right i don't deserve this

mander said...

Mand7th

JTK said...

NEED BIKE

Nogocyclist said...

Top 10

Anonymous said...

Top ten.

hillbilly said...

back to my usual packfill....

I would love for her to paddle her kayak far, far away....

Anonymous said...

"It was not yet sundown yesterday when I began drinking(...)"

I do it pratically every day, and it works for me. It might work for you too snobbish boy.

Surly Bastard said...

More early, more better.

Jefe said...

They need to send Joel Stein down the col du Tourmalet on a brakeless fixie.

ant1 said...

'theThorazine-addled"
missing a space

ringcycles said...

Gloria, darling, because bicycles came first & are atleast substantially responsible for the paving of surface streets in much of America. Glad to still live in the U.S. of Amnesiacs. BTW, you can paddle a kayak infront of the QE2, I suggest you try paddling behind it though, really, you'll love the ride.

Anonymous said...

great post today, Snob--wonderful twists and turns and visuals.

erik k said...

twitter..? you caved

Todd said...

Gloria Fallon is a cougar.

Stupid Name said...

Let the stupid idiot paddle a canoe.... What ignorant fools.

Anonymous said...

yeah, mmjqvcnaeqdp

Anonymous said...

used shorts are like used underwear. oh wait, they are underwear, just not typically worn under anything.

Anonymous said...

used shorts are like used underwear. oh wait, they are underwear, just not typically worn under anything.

Jeff S said...

Best ebay ad I've ever read!

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

sleepy said...

According to Fallon's logic
Cars = Road
Bikes = Sidewalks
Pedestrians = right-of-way

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Why do butterflies
always splatter my windshield,
those loathsome creatures?

Anonymous said...

Actually, according to the rules of the boating world the QE2 would have yield the right of way to the kayak. Human powered craft have the right of way over powered craft. So yes you allowed to paddle a kayak in front of the QE2...

3G said...

I think I've seen Joel Stein as a snarky comedian commenting on some of those awful VH1 "I love the " shows.

He needs to be punched in the throat

Kevin Vigor said...

Yes, in fact, you can paddle your kayak in front of the QE2 and the QE2 is required to keep clear (unless constrained by draft). The metaphor is actually very apt.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_Regulations_for_Preventing_Collisions_at_Sea

grog said...

so, how do i get another biek since mine was ruthlessly ripped?
FLNG FRKY

CommieCanuck said...

If it's yellow, let it mellow.

That's right, I f'ing HATE Simpsons characters and people with jaundice, I don't want them in schools with my kids or riding on my bus. We should build a fence to keep these people out.

CommieCanuck said...

"...and a shot of that disgusting yellow water that's always first to emerge from a squeeze bottle of mustard."

Be careful Snob, that liquid can be just as potent as a next imminent squirt.

sleepy said...

According to Fallon's logic
Cars = Road
Bikes = Sidewalks
Pedestrians = right-of-way

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

The paragraph about moving shorts? Possibly the best ever written. Is there an award for that?

The QE2 higway connects calgary and edmonton... lots of kayaks.

CommieCanuck said...

Jimmy Fallon is a comedian?
I thought he was a test case for allowing special people to contribute to society on TV. Aren't comedians supposed to be funny?

mikeweb said...

She is Jimmy Fallon's sister. from wikipedia:

Fallon was born in Brooklyn, New York.... His family later settled in Saugerties, New York, while his father worked at IBM in nearby Kingston. As a child, he and his sister, Gloria, would reenact the "clean parts" of Saturday Night Live that his parents had taped for him.

My guess is that she was trying to be "funny". Yeah, I guess that runs in the family.

Paul Bowen said...

If she can up her game a couple of notches Gloria could get a place on Sarah Palin's speechwriting team.

Anonymous said...

This is the best blog post in weeks.
There's even a Cadel Evans/Tour de France reference in there.
Snob might want to postpone his jumping the shark maneuver until say..., Spring/2011?
How's the book deal going BikeSnob, if I may ask?

cunning linquist said...

Qfxe2 Chek

cunning linquist said...

Damn errant f...

Qxe2 Chek

Anonymous said...

I'll make it easy on you I'll take the lot: Scat, Rapha, pink slippers and bag and won't tell a soul 'til it's en route and then I'll have my girlfriend pose with only the choice goods you provide and paste Gloria's head on her and then send it to the Leno show for his "headlines" skit. Jimmy would love to follow that. Much like Gloria likes to follow cyclists and Joel can RT the whole time to amuse his audience. Bravo. I'm spent.

Shram said...

I'm calling you out Snob: you're selling your promo crap on ebay, aren't you??

Anonymous said...

"I wonder if fixed-gear freestylers also install their forks much more slowly and awkwardly than BMX riders do, since that seems to be their approach to the tricks"
That is classic.

Fearful said...

Top 50 darn it!! Stupid Kayak cut me off in the sprint... If only......wish she would paddle her silly boat on the freeway in front of a beer truck.

Shram said...

Oh, and Gloria: yes, you can paddle a kayak in front of the QE2. Please do.

Fucking maroons. Hasn't this been the law since we were kids? The reason we rode on sidewalks as kids was speed, pure and simple: if you rode(ride) at walking speeds, you belong on the sidewalk. If you were(are) any faster than that, you belong in the street. It's not that hard people.

EBay Addict said...

SELF PLUG

Yeah!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

I gotta get back on the juice.

-P.P.

sufferist said...

Gloria, you have kayaked your way into the cockles of my flowerbox. Your wit and wisdom has shown us all the true pinnacle of human accomplishment in the form of your exalted Tweet. Way to be!

I await your next 140 characters or less.

Danny Vacation said...

BOAT TALK

Test Tickle said...

awesome post today BS. it's amazing what vitriol is spewed by both the facebook "sidewalk" folks and the "taiwan strap" commenters. makes me kind of afraid to go outside.

balls.

PhilboydStunge said...

Snobby, I don't think for myself. That's your and George Will's job, so if you or George say that Joel Stein is no good I'm ok with that (I already rip anything Sasha Frere-Jones writes out of the New Yorker along with those subscription cards before I even look at the comics). But maybe you want to give him a second chance? Come on now, doesn't this sound JUST like our favorite blogger? "...because of my desire to be even snottier..." He could be your mini-me.

CommieCanuck said...

I think Gloria is right, bigger vehicles should have the right of way.

I just need to figure out how to get a baby carseat into this.

AYHSMH

All you haters suck my Howitzer

sufferist said...

CC: I still think that a kayak would have the right-of-way (on the water), unless the kayak was powered by a motor. In which case, the pilot is a cheat and is no longer under the protective umbrella of maritime law afforded to human-powered crafts and is subject to a right-good thrashing from the 120 mm M256 smooth bore cannon.

db said...

As usual, I'm confused.

Aren't Hold Fasts just a Velcro'd version of Power Grips?

Did they really take "1000's of hours of testing" (Prolly's words, not mine) when the product basically already existed? I guess they really are slower...
.

Ellie Light said...

I hate you right-wing bastards.

yogisurf said...

I think they were groping in the bathroom within two minutes.

Anonymous Coward said...

Jefe, El Guapo Salutes you

Sarah P said...

Easy on the kayak bashing guys, here in the great country of Alaska we love our little boats and what us gals can do with them. I'm going hunting now, bye!

Vote for boat!

Anonymous said...

Snob, I think the RTMS icon should be changed to GCMS. erik k, can you get on that?

Anonymous said...

It is certainly interesting for me to read this blog. Thank you for it. I like such themes and everything that is connected to this matter. BTW, try to add some images :).

sufferist said...

SP: I am a kayak owner too and will stand shoulder-to-shoulder with you in support of all the kayak-moms in your fine state and this great nation.

The DUDE said...

Sarah P,

I used to own a kayak. Sadly, I sold it to move over a few states. If I still had it, I would gladly shove it up your arse, sideways.

Vote for Communism!

innerlighter said...

"But I do not know what the Swiss do all day that requires muesli to be the densest food ever made in non-bar form."

Okay, so maybe Stein is a dork, but that was kinda funny.


or, meh.

Sarah P said...

Sufferist- thank you, you are a great and fine American

Dude-i'm surprised at your wayward politics, bieks and kayaks and freedom are just the greatest!

This country and all of you are so wonderful maybe we should spread the fun and annex Canada!


AYHSMLB


all u haters suck my little boat

Rocky said...

when i wonder how the democratic party could be so splintered in Washington that they can't pass healthcare legislation, I only have to think about how much this liberal hates Joel Stein. Yeah, i said 'this liberal'

esau bin necker said...

deer snob

i aint never had no biek stolt becos all my bieks are from walmart and not even them mexicans will steel them

but once i gots passed by two mormon fellers and it pist me off so much i got rikims shotgun and blew the head set off of it

i admits it was kinder stoopid becos i aint gots no bike now

so i want yor give away hell im a democrat and im a mooslim so im used to it

mooslims and hippies are kinder like each other except hippies will burn in hell for eternity and me and rikim gets 72 virgineans

i hert cat stevens wasnt born a mooslim and i thinks thats cool that he becum one

too bad his music is for pussies otherwise hed be tight

Bill Clinton said...

Sarah P.: I would gladly suck the man in the little boat.

Anonymous said...

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/26/why-does-everyone-want-to_n_436089.html

thought you'd enjoy this

CommieCanuck said...

This country and all of you are so wonderful maybe we should spread the fun and annex Canada!

You have have Alberta, or Texas Junior as its known here.

CommieCanuck said...

If I don't like Joel Stein, does that make me an anti-semite?

Frank Eeckman said...

super, love the part about rapha

Jefe said...

Anonymous Coward 3:46: Simpatico, hombre.

Anonymous said...

Everyone knows FaceBook is for embarrassing pictures when you are faced and then to give the media the scoop when you have been poked by Tiger W., John Edwards or are a serial killer.

And it is good for nothing else.

H. Clinton said...

S. Palin said that W. Clinton would dry-hump the cleaning lady in the elevator.

At least he wouldn't need a TelePrompTer to do it. I mean, fuck, I lost to that stupid little numbnuts...,,,

Joel Stein's Mother said...

I am sure that Joel Stein's mother thinks he is a cheeky little monkey of sweetness. And that he knows it even though he never calls her.

Sarah P said...

CC:

Deal, as long as we can also have British Columbia, then we'd have Vancouver, shopping, the wonderful waterfront, coffee shops, fabulous Asian restaurants, Moose hunting and timberland!!

Then the great country of Alaska will be contiguous!!

Gosh you guys are great!

AYHSMLB

Anonymous said...

avatar is the highest grossing movie of all time. It must be a really gross movie to gain that distinction

Anonymous said...

why does commiecanuck look like he has been sucking a cars tailpipe or someones ass?

Ronsonic said...

Paul Bowen said...
If she can up her game a couple of notches Gloria could get a place on Sarah Palin's speechwriting team.

No.

Srsly.

No.

I Just Don't Get It... said...

Ant1st!

hi-rez

HAIL CZER

twitter...

PCLA said...

I researched Gloria Fallon on a popular search engine that is leaving the PRC and found NOTHING other than her twatter page so she must be a NOBODY.

BIKE H8TR

CARZ ONLY

All You Road Hogs Lick My Chamois

Worried said...

Anon 10:48
easy on CC , you don't want him perturbed...anger issues you know...that's blood he's drinking.

Anonymous said...

Because I have enough to think about other than what douchebags on twitter are tweet twatting about. Gloria doesn't exist to me.

Food as fuel is so true, but I feel as long as you eat a variety of things that the Big Mac you had yesterday won't do anything terrible to you unless it was prepared/cooked incorrectly... Then that is only human error. Cycling is all about eating dense for me. That way I am eating small meals, but still calorie/carb/nutrition packed. That way when it is off season, I don't have to hit the buffet to feel full. Tea is kickass too!

ant1 said...

I Just Don't Get It - it's an OCD thing, you wouldn't understand.

F-Love said...

Why no mention of the new Pedaling video that has long since dropped: http://vimeo.com/8834093

F-Love said...

The Fixie Crew is BAAAACK:

http://vimeo.com/8991981

Anonymous said...

I've shant smarter things than Joel Stein

Whiney Whiner said...

Beeped at for being in front of a driver so he had to slow down to enter a highway onramp.

Maybe three seconds. And he didn't really speed up upon entering the ramp. No he slowed and yelled the standard "Get a car!"

I say after a shoulder shrug and a long stare: "Lick me."

The retort: "Lick my balls."

What I need to know, does that count as plagiarism?

"Get a life." would have been better response. Mirroring is better.

Anonymous said...

I would appreciate it very much if that Stein twat got waterboarded. Even drowned.

Odile Lee said...

What i dont get, is why he ate all that. If he rode a stationary bike for 6 hours , yeah but all he did was experiment in piggery. Millions of Ausssies do that every day. Im nto impressed, co sthey KEEP IT DOWN UNDER!! ) hehehe.

Kissing a Fallon. Isnt that like a felony? It would be here.
Ps COmmie C - you look like Mephistophiles in that pic. Cute!

Ghengis Jung said...

Hey look, a photo of someone paddling a kayak in front of the QE2!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/11827916@N00/396362896

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Twob Rake said...

Well done to Stein for the Cadel prediction. I never expected him to win...

Twob Rake said...

Indeed.