This Just In: I Bid You "Aduh" Until 2010

Last Wednesday, I mentioned the fact that I worship the Lobster God. While the notion of an all-powerful crustacean may seem like little more than a flimsy basis for an ersatz religion ("ersatz" is pretentious for "fake"), it turns out there is some philosophical validity to the concept. In gathering information with which to "flesh out" (or more accurately "shell out") my new religion, I turned to a popular search engine and discovered an essay called "The Organism as the Judgment of God: Aristotle, Kant and Deleuze on Nature (that is, on biology, theology and politics)." Titles don't really get much catchier than that (Kant and Deleuze? You can't lose!), and so I began to read. As it turns out, God is indeed a lobster:

If you find all of that confusing, the author goes on to simplify the concept later in the essay:

Organisms occur in at least two registers: one strictly biological, the other political. But it is the same abstract machine of stratification, the same Lobster-God operant in any register from geological to social as the way to appropriate matter-energy flows from the Earth and build a layer that slows down the flow and funnels a surplus to a transcendently organised body. The abstract machine of stratification is biological and political at once. The geology of morals set forth by the Lobster-God is bio-political organisation.

Also, lobsters have claws.

Admittedly, though, this essay is pretty dry, and the Lobster God I worship is a bit more succulent. I prefer to believe the Lobster God is the all-powerful orchestrator of the great "Space Miracle," which took place when the Lobster God opened the Barbican Shoulder Bag of Infinity with the Pincer of Creation and the entire universe spewed forth from its leathery folds. Or, to put it another way, we are all merely fleas on the Dachshund of Time:

All of which is to say in a very roundabout way that the Lobster God appeared to me in a dream recently (I fell asleep watching "Atonement") and commanded me to take leave of this blog until Monday, January 4th, at which point I will resume regular updates.

In the meantime, though, I invite you to ponder this image, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

In the interest of rendering the photograph "safe for work," I was forced to add some garments. (You'll note that the originals are hanging from the handlebars.) If you're wondering why the crotchal region of the "virtual" garments is so sizeable, this was necessary in order to fully obscure the volume of the "secondary coif," which, like the primary one atop her head, was considerable. Should you wish to view the original photo as the artist intended, it is here.

Lastly, if you've been losing sleep because you're wondering what the hot new bike fashion trend will be for 2010 (and not because you've been having nightmares about lobsters as I have), you can finally rest easy. Another reader recently forwarded me a Craigslist posting confirming something I've long suspected, which is that 2010 will be the Year of Rust:




55cm Broakland Pipe-Bomb Track Frameset - $1100 (potrero hill)
Date: 2009-12-23, 12:35PM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

Hi-
For sale is a raw (unpainted, uncoated) Broakland Pipe-bomb frameset in size 55. Included in the sale is the frame, fork and Chris king threadless headset. The frame is perfect with no dents or cosmetic issues. There is surface rust which I have been letting take over slowly and deliberately. It has seen a little over a year of use as a city whip.

Rarely do you see this much thought go into a track bike. From the Paul dropouts to the three different types of tubing. It is designed for both 700c front or a 26" for a little more aggressive handling and barspinzzz. Light and stiff, equally at home on the track or the street. Designed and welded in the bay! Why buy some NJS cast-off or alloy Cinelpropistadolan made-in-china rig when you can rep the local forces at work?

Although this ad is just for the frame set, if you want it I will throw in a Tange carbon seatpost that complements the look of the wound up very nicely. I'm sure I have an extra 107bb I can include. I have a bunch of track parts kicking around (Including the build in the last pic) so if you're looking for more than the frameset, I can make a deal. Otherwise, go to Montano Velo in Oakland and spend your hard earned dollars.

Check here for more info: http://www.myspace.com/broaklandbicycles

Feel free to email with any questions aside from low ball offers. Thanks for looking!

The cycling world has seen pre-rusted designer bikes before, but it's clear from this post that the trend has now taken hold on the "street" level. I also spotted a fashionably corroded bicycle in downtown Manhattan not too long ago:

Of course, it is the very nature of rust to "take over slowly and deliberately," so it's a bit ridiculous for the Craigslist seller to take credit for cultivating (or "curating") the rust. Then again, it is also human nature to rationalize the onset of the inevitable, and the sorts of people now riding intentionally rusty bicycles will soon also claim to be "greying out" their hair, or intentionally fading their tattoos, or even "wearing their breasts lower." Given this, the seller would do well to entertain the "low ball" offers he's now refusing, since what appears to be a genital defect could actually be a personal fashion choice. Maybe the buyer is simply letting impotence take over slowly and deliberately.

And with that I shall cede to the inevitability of the passing of yet another year and let this blog recede into the din of holiday revelry. To some this din is the cheerful sound of celebration, and to others it is the dissonance of a million fleas vainly crying as they cling desperately to the back of the Dachshund of Time. (To me, it is simply the soothing sound of sloshing about in a bathtub full of eggnog.) In any case, I'm deeply grateful for having had the opportunity to (hopefully) amuse you this past year, and I look forward to returning on Monday, January 4th. In the meantime, enjoy the rest of the holidays, ride safe, and in all endeavors be like unto both rust and the Lobster: Slow and deliberate (and reddish in hue).

--BSNYC/RTMS