Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This Just In: I Bid You "Aduh" Until 2010

Last Wednesday, I mentioned the fact that I worship the Lobster God. While the notion of an all-powerful crustacean may seem like little more than a flimsy basis for an ersatz religion ("ersatz" is pretentious for "fake"), it turns out there is some philosophical validity to the concept. In gathering information with which to "flesh out" (or more accurately "shell out") my new religion, I turned to a popular search engine and discovered an essay called "The Organism as the Judgment of God: Aristotle, Kant and Deleuze on Nature (that is, on biology, theology and politics)." Titles don't really get much catchier than that (Kant and Deleuze? You can't lose!), and so I began to read. As it turns out, God is indeed a lobster:

If you find all of that confusing, the author goes on to simplify the concept later in the essay:

Organisms occur in at least two registers: one strictly biological, the other political. But it is the same abstract machine of stratification, the same Lobster-God operant in any register from geological to social as the way to appropriate matter-energy flows from the Earth and build a layer that slows down the flow and funnels a surplus to a transcendently organised body. The abstract machine of stratification is biological and political at once. The geology of morals set forth by the Lobster-God is bio-political organisation.

Also, lobsters have claws.

Admittedly, though, this essay is pretty dry, and the Lobster God I worship is a bit more succulent. I prefer to believe the Lobster God is the all-powerful orchestrator of the great "Space Miracle," which took place when the Lobster God opened the Barbican Shoulder Bag of Infinity with the Pincer of Creation and the entire universe spewed forth from its leathery folds. Or, to put it another way, we are all merely fleas on the Dachshund of Time:

All of which is to say in a very roundabout way that the Lobster God appeared to me in a dream recently (I fell asleep watching "Atonement") and commanded me to take leave of this blog until Monday, January 4th, at which point I will resume regular updates.

In the meantime, though, I invite you to ponder this image, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

In the interest of rendering the photograph "safe for work," I was forced to add some garments. (You'll note that the originals are hanging from the handlebars.) If you're wondering why the crotchal region of the "virtual" garments is so sizeable, this was necessary in order to fully obscure the volume of the "secondary coif," which, like the primary one atop her head, was considerable. Should you wish to view the original photo as the artist intended, it is here.

Lastly, if you've been losing sleep because you're wondering what the hot new bike fashion trend will be for 2010 (and not because you've been having nightmares about lobsters as I have), you can finally rest easy. Another reader recently forwarded me a Craigslist posting confirming something I've long suspected, which is that 2010 will be the Year of Rust:




55cm Broakland Pipe-Bomb Track Frameset - $1100 (potrero hill)
Date: 2009-12-23, 12:35PM PST
Reply to: [deleted]

Hi-
For sale is a raw (unpainted, uncoated) Broakland Pipe-bomb frameset in size 55. Included in the sale is the frame, fork and Chris king threadless headset. The frame is perfect with no dents or cosmetic issues.
There is surface rust which I have been letting take over slowly and deliberately. It has seen a little over a year of use as a city whip.

Rarely do you see this much thought go into a track bike. From the Paul dropouts to the three different types of tubing. It is designed for both 700c front or a 26" for a little more aggressive handling and barspinzzz. Light and stiff, equally at home on the track or the street. Designed and welded in the bay! Why buy some NJS cast-off or alloy Cinelpropistadolan made-in-china rig when you can rep the local forces at work?

Although this ad is just for the frame set, if you want it I will throw in a Tange carbon seatpost that complements the look of the wound up very nicely. I'm sure I have an extra 107bb I can include. I have a bunch of track parts kicking around (Including the build in the last pic) so if you're looking for more than the frameset, I can make a deal. Otherwise, go to Montano Velo in Oakland and spend your hard earned dollars.

Check here for more info: http://www.myspace.com/broaklandbicycles

Feel free to email with any questions aside from low ball offers. Thanks for looking!

The cycling world has seen pre-rusted designer bikes before, but it's clear from this post that the trend has now taken hold on the "street" level. I also spotted a fashionably corroded bicycle in downtown Manhattan not too long ago:


Of course, it is the very nature of rust to "take over slowly and deliberately," so it's a bit ridiculous for the Craigslist seller to take credit for cultivating (or "curating") the rust. Then again, it is also human nature to rationalize the onset of the inevitable, and the sorts of people now riding intentionally rusty bicycles will soon also claim to be "greying out" their hair, or intentionally fading their tattoos, or even "wearing their breasts lower." Given this, the seller would do well to entertain the "low ball" offers he's now refusing, since what appears to be a genital defect could actually be a personal fashion choice. Maybe the buyer is simply letting impotence take over slowly and deliberately.

And with that I shall cede to the inevitability of the passing of yet another year and let this blog recede into the din of holiday revelry. To some this din is the cheerful sound of celebration, and to others it is the dissonance of a million fleas vainly crying as they cling desperately to the back of the Dachshund of Time. (To me, it is simply the soothing sound of sloshing about in a bathtub full of eggnog.) In any case, I'm deeply grateful for having had the opportunity to (hopefully) amuse you this past year, and I look forward to returning on Monday, January 4th. In the meantime, enjoy the rest of the holidays, ride safe, and in all endeavors be like unto both rust and the Lobster: Slow and deliberate (and reddish in hue).


--BSNYC/RTMS


147 comments:

Drew said...

porcupines

Anonymous said...

Whatevs.

John Sutcliffe said...

3

bozy said...

I'm on the podium when Drew's urine test comes back.

Udder said...

Happy New year Snobby. Thanks for all the fun stuff in 2009.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten again.

Anonymous said...

top ten for the first time evar~!

Anonymous said...

top10

Cranky Mule said...

My feet are cold!

Nogocyclist said...

Top 10

AF72 said...

what is RTMS?

Anonymous said...

http://lmgtfy.com/?q=what+is+rtms

Cognorant said...

AF72,

All you have to do is run a simple "enhance" algorithm on the photo/logo at the bottom of the post (I'm sure Photoshop has this somewhere). Then run a facial recognition scan with the new Google DIY/CSI kit. Easy! then you'll have your answer.

Anonymous said...

AF72...

RipTornMugShot

Cognorant said...

Uh...maybe there's simpler ways

Malcolm Sosa said...

have a good new years. hope that you cultivate rust and lobsters.

Astroluc said...

so late... so so late...

Anonymous said...

not a sprinter

Jefe said...

If she rides around like that her bike will suitably rust in no time.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

rezado said...

HI-REZ

Anonymous said...

Very funny -- but, not sure what the relationship is between low-hanging balls and impotence. As someone with a robust testicular swing (time and gravity induced), I can say, at least anecdotally, that free swinging nuts don't impeded coital success. Yes Snob, old people have sex -- yucky.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vxq9yj2pVWk ENHANCE

broomie said...

If I worship the Lobster God can I still drink coffee and celebrate Xmas?

broomie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Astroluc said...

after dealing with that wind this morning I am one with the Lobster God and rust... my face is reddish of hue (due to windburn) and my travels were slow and deliberate (due to ice and strong wind!)

COLD RYDE

kale said...

Snob, I can only feel like you're becoming more and more mature as a writer with each year. This post exemplifies your growth into a erudite essayist - with the Kant reference, the tasteful clothing of the female pubis, and the withholding of the seductively palpable 'Rusty Trombone' pun.



See yall on the flip side.

Anonymous said...

Happy new year bike snob, and bike peeps, May you always ride safely.

urchin said...

Thanks for a fine year of fine free entertainment, snobby.

NPJ

landis in 06 said...

no quiz? guess i'll sell my bikes too

mander said...

Props to you RTMS and thanks for the year of hilarity.

John Romeo Alpha said...

The universe is a holographic projection of a 2D rusty red lobster shell billions of light years away, and we are all just puppets of its noodly appendages.

Anonymous said...

John Protevi
Department of French Studies
Louisiana State University

unreadable. perhaps he could explain over the course of a semester, but then I would have to deal with his TA

Anonymous said...

http://www.jruiter.com/jruiter/conceptsLatest.php

something to contemplate as we pass into the new year.

joe said...

thanks for making me laugh most days this past year.

also, the elevator comment made me spit up some OJ. fucking priceless.

mikeweb said...

"The Dachshund adibes"

g said...

Happy new year all. I am diggin' the new "Seal of Disapproval"

mikeweb said...

'Lobster' help the TT-commuters with disc wheels on a day like today...

Snob and all the regulars here, thanks for the laughs this year and for Lobster's sake, ride safe.

Stuart said...

the epic religionway you've curated is an affront to His Noodliness, FSM.

Philadelphia birth injury lawyer said...

Another great one, see you in the new year.

ervgopwr said...

All this lobster talk. I think I'll go get an epic (g-dly) burrito for lunch.

Daddo said...

"Ride Safe"? isn't it "Ride Safely"?
HNY Snob - thanks for a great year!

grog said...

Lobster bless you Snobbie.
Gottago parade widda Mummers.
Seeyin da wet-nose future.

Strayhorn said...

Sweet merciful blood-stained gods. I slave and save and take freelance jobs for A SOLID YEAR so I can upgrade to a crabon frame. It arrived in the mail just yesterday.

And today you tell me 2010 is the year of rust? Why couldn't you have told me that a couple weeks ago when I plunked down my cash for the frame?

More importantly, can anyone tell me if Calfee has "rust" among their custom crabon paint jobs?

Beret-Wearing Rusty said...

FUCK RUST

or

ALL YOU HATERS COVET MY RUST

AYHCMR

Test Tickle said...

AF72, to answer your question...

Rust Takes Many Seasons

balls.

Bad Lawyer said...

Happy New Year to all! Snob and commentariat, thanks for making me laugh out loud throughout a good portion of 2009.

bikesgonewild said...

...i find i kant take this philosophical & theological rant w/out a grain of salt...if deleuze wishes to portray "god", a higher power as a lobster, then how is there validity to his conceptualization w/out mention of drawn butter ???...

...if we as man (& woman - sorry girls !!!), are to truly embrace "him", nephropidae, the lobster-god, this manifestation of crustacean in all "his glory", then at some point it's going to involve a pot of boiling water, that grain (or two) of salt & yes, drawn or melted butter...

...indeed & perhaps aunt mary's christmas nutcracker so that we might get to that succulent "message"...

...the noted philosopher bsnyc/rtms makes reference to "reddish in hue" which clearly implies that our lobster-god has assuredly gotten his blue-blooded self into hot (212*F) water as "his" normal exo-skeleton is greeny-blacky brownish (technical term)...

...& not to put too fine a point on it but i might also suggest that lobster-god worship is best appreciated on the eastern seaboard where, at least, prices are reasonable...

CommieCanuck said...

Shit. I'm old. I remember when guys spent thousands on titanium bikes because they didn't rust.
And just how are we supposed to get crabon to rust?

For 2010, I'd like you to ponder the following from internet porn, which is an interesting view on society:
1. Why are so many ugly people naked on the internet?
2. Why are there so many bongs and booze bottles beside the naked ugly people?
3. Why are young hot college girls such slobs? -pick up for crissake.
4. Why do porn people have such lousy taste in furniture? Is there no Bauhaus or Le Courbousier in New Jersey?
5. How is it that so many douchebags convince hot college girls to get naked for a digital camera, or make bizarre poses, or do things, ...with stuff?
6. Why does the carpet rarely match the drapes?
7. What's up with guys who wear socks? is it, like, "I'm doing a hot porn shot, but man, this floor is so cold I'll get shrinkage"?
8. How many times have you asked yourself, ...exactly what was the conversation that preceded this photo?

MEHR USTY

CommieCanuck said...

I felt bad for that rant, but BGWs was longer.

mikeweb said...

That's what she said!

Ba-dum-dum.

Strayhorn said...

The CommieCanuck wanted to know:

6. Why does the carpet rarely match the drapes?

I'm surprised you found some porn on the 'tubes with carpet. Until I saw the photo the Snob posted today, I was beginning to think I should have bought stock in the Gillette Razor Company instead of Apple Computer.

8. How many times have you asked yourself, ...exactly what was the conversation that preceded this photo?

"Will $300 cover it?"

grog said...

thank lobster we can get rust-color paint which works on crabon.

Bobbo said...

RTMS - thank you for an entertaining 2009. Looking forward to 2010

db said...

Perhaps in 2010, you'll pit your Lobster-Yaweh against Quine's Gavagai in an animism cage match.

Regardless, best wishes for the new year, and thanks for the great writing.

<Gives Snob the "thumbs up" with his lobster-claw cycling gloves.>
.

db said...

8. How many times have you asked yourself, ...exactly what was the conversation that preceded this photo?

"Does this look infected to you?"
.

rezado said...

8. How many times have you asked yourself, ...exactly what was the conversation that preceded this photo?


Clean up. I have friends coming over for seconds lets try and tone down the sloppy.

bikesgonewild said...

...thank you, mikeweb...i thought it but didn't have to say it...

...& props, db...as a cunning linguist, i feel enlightened by the opportunity to peruse "quine's gavagai"...

...good stuff...

leroy said...

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.

Happy New Year all!

esau bin necker said...

damm snobby i almost gots kicked out of the ibary when verbena sue the libary lady saw me checking out that hairy pussy lady

then i gots to lissen to her lekture me on i thot you wasnt doing no porno since you became a mooslim and for sakes caint you watch that stuff at the trailer instead of hanging around the pubic libary

i tolt her that there was shit that transcended religious bondaries and culture and that love of hairy pussy was one of them things

anyways keep up the good work specially how them dumbass roundball players at hazard high school suck so bad this year aint no way the is making sectional or nothing

Fierce Panties said...

Snob,

What can I say? You've made me laugh, you've made me blush with shame, you've helped me make sense of this... this madhouse that is our "cycling culture." After reading a year (arbitrarily ending today) of your strange words and your mixed up feelings, I can now share a day on the road with our fellow cyclists, and their respective bicycles, without hate. I hate them less and less, because I've learned to laugh at them (and myself) more and more, and now I can proudly proclaim All You Haters Suck My Balls with conviction because, although I'm still a pretentious fop, I'm no longer a hater. You've helped us laugh our way through the gaudiness and nonplussitude with now familiar slogans and slang that have become cycling vernacular and ingrained in our collective cycling consciousness, CCC. And although I'm not ready to embrace the Lobster god with open pincers, probably because of an iodine allergy, I still wonder WWBSNYCD, What Would Bike Snob New York City Do?

See you next year,

Fierce Panties

Jen said...

Perhaps the rusty frame is a feeble attempt at being iron-ic.

Wishing you a great 2010, Pincer Charming.

Fred said...

From the Book of Murray, 12:45-47.

There's a lobster loose! Watch out! He's vengeful.

Always to good to end the New Year with some scripture to ponder.

This is still my favorite blog on the internet tubes.

hillbilly said...

thanks for all the laughs, snobbie!

Never Knows Best said...

Another year down. Thanks for all the laughs. And the tears. The good ones, and the bad ones. May the lobster be succulent onto you in the coming year Snob.

Slice Harvester said...

I just changed out the chain on my beater that I use to work delivery jobs, but last week some poncy track bike kid commented on how rusty it was and I told him it was actually a Phil Wood Rust Colored Single Speed chain, which I thought matched the rough-hewn aesthetic of my bicycle. He was thoroughly impressed but saw through my charade when the light changed and my chain skipped three times crossing the street.

Loren said...

Thank you Snob! Thank you for more dachsund of time!

the editor said...

I love you, Bikesnob. You have made 2009 about 10% better for me by simply writing this blog.

kfg said...

rust; n: The means by which hyperconsumers demonstrate their antimaterialism.

Dan O said...

Damn - too bad carbon doesn't rust.

I smell a sticker business opportunity.....

mlliu said...

I've heard it said that lobster = cockroach of the sea. I still think of it as a tasty communion. Happy New Year, Snobby. Thanks for the laughs.

frankenbike said...

Next time I read your blog I will have improved myself incrementally by becoming slightly more plussed and imperceptably gruntled. Thanks for all the enlightenment at the tail end of the naught-naughts.

kerry said...

Snobby, you can hava my share of the lobster!( Im a veggie).

I admit, due to a forced 4:30 pm commute( which means, one setting away from 'broil', here in Oz), a lobster like shade now adorns my once goth self.
I dont know about the merkin porn. Must be the BMX. Female roadies prefer to keep things aerdymnaic.

kerry said...

The new used Orbea has orange stripes on black. Will that pass for rust or should I try for 'possible metal failure'as my colourway description? I mean, must be fashionable.

CommieCanuck said...

Snob, seriously dude, it's time.

The world has too many "One less car" stickers (hell, even I have one on my POS car).

It's time for the AYHSMB Sticker.

flynn said...

lovely closer

Anonymous said...

Snobby,
The "Maine" thing is that you are "clawing" your way out of your "shell".

I gotta million lobster jokes...
Happy New Year.

Anonymous said...

RTMS
ERAT
PAGI
ENNM
TSEU
ICTL
TRIA
IACT
VN I
EI O
A N
L






RTMS
EHAT
AENU
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LD

RTMS
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Anonymous said...

rusty new year to everyone

CommieCanuck said...

so, for 2010 will BSNYC commenters need to submit to full body scans?
I'm scanning my junk at 72 dpi as we speak.

San Antonio Employment Lawyers said...

See you after another snobbatical.

tattle tale said...

Look out BSNYC,
the editor does not share your values regarding cheese.

Do you assist with conversions to your faith?

Disregarding a position against cheese, I agree wholeheartedly with the editor's statement.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for a great year!

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mr Weiss for an entirely free year of entertainment. I will admit to feeling a bit jilted however as you take time away from your post to commune with Fatty.
In any case, I wish you Bon Annee!

Doug said...

thanks!

kale said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J28rY2A7SeQ

Crankee said...

Thanks for the crustacean amusement and hard shell insight into cycling culture. May you have a prawny New Year!

Uncle Bob said...

Actually "ersatz" is not pretentious for fake. It is pretentious for substitute.

Kent Johnson said...

Thanks for all the hard work. Looking forward to my first full year reading BSNYC.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for entertaining me.

Brendon said...

Thanks for a great year of posts. I find your rants strangely refreshing. Keep it real, cantankerous and idiosyncratic.

frilly said...

Happy New Year Snobby!

xxoo

Brendon said...

Oh, I almost forgot: keep it eloquent. [Too pretentious? Ah, well. Thanks anyways.]

Anonymous said...

http://boston.craigslist.org/gbs/bik/1525604390.html oh noes

Bike Lemming said...

I'm traumatized by the original photo without the virtual garments. Some things are better left unexplored.

Anonymous said...

weird diktats 2010way

Anonymous said...

No new year naked protest?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Интересно написано....но многое остается непонятнымb

mikeweb said...

Whatta kozol...

Luck E. Seven said...

101st!

I dig the squeaks that have been curated out of all those lube-starved chains, too.


A

esau bin necker said...

rikim aint no underwere bomber but he onced lit a fart and damm near blew a wall off of my trailer

bikesgonewild said...

...happy arbitrary day in the middle of winter that doesn't correspond to any particular natural phenomena & is simply a social product of a faulty yet imperious judeo-christian calendar...
...(not that there's anything wrong w/ that)...

...& may your next 365 days be filled w/ joy & goodness...

...just sayin'...

honnybucket said...

BGW,

What are you -- some sort of a devil-worshipping pagan or something? Maybe you'd be happier hanging out with anon 1:12 in his war-torn, eastern European, dictatorship? You know they don't even have years over there? Or celebrations. They all ride around on little 50 CC scooters, bathe in the river & eat insects.

Speaking of which, I'm kinda hungry. Happy new years everyone...

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, arbitrary is truer than most realize. Through a significant part of history, new years was March 1st. In fact, the months September, October, November and December correspond with septen, octo, noven and decem, Latin for seven, eight, nine and ten; December being the tenth month of the year, not the twelfth.

What's with all the Latin lately? Heavy stuff for a cycling blog. Quick, somebody tell a fart joke.

Best wishes to all my online friends for a happy and prosperous 2010.

Bad Lawyer said...

This decade is almost "choate," no matter what 'Nino says!http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/03/magazine/03FOB-onlanguage-t.html?ref=magazine

kfg said...

BGW- You got it right with "imperious."

It isn't a Judeo-Christian date; it's a Roman date - Emperor Installation Day. As the Romans tracked time by Imperial Era the anniversary of the era became the first of the year instead of the more sensible "reality based" traditional dates.

HB- I'm a dance around the Maypole sort of guy myself, so I'd like to take this opportunity to point out the obvious:

Pagans aren't devil worshipers, because The Devil(tm) is an imperious Judeo-Christian paradigm.

Shut up, eat your beetle kabob and be grateful. Happy New Imperial Era Day.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob sighting? I thought I saw a guy in a chicken suit astride an ironic Orange Julius bike in the background during the TV coverage of the ball dropping on Times Square last night.

Stupid Name said...

http://cgi.ebay.com/BN-MOONERS-MENS-FETISH-PVC-CYCLE-STYLE-SHORTS-PINK-S_W0QQitemZ380130177337QQcmdZViewItemQQptZMen_s_Clothes?hash=item5881863139
I needed some new shorts for the new year, no stores were open, went to e-bay.

Don't go shopping for cycling shorts on E-bay.

These ones say, not recommended for cycling.

Who would have thought.

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh, honnybucket...you make it sound like being a heathen is so unattractive...

...& i've always been so comfortable w/ it...

esau bin necker said...

while yall is trying to figure out whos the biggest heathin ill tell you you is all infidels and when you die you is going to simmer in the big lobster pot down under while me and rikim is getting it on with 72 virgineans

hackneyed sojourn said...

Now that the cycler cult of lobster worship has finally been exposed, I hope everyone can see the wisdom of the Hasidim efforts to free themsevles of these lane-ways!

PCLA said...

Are lobster burritos a religious Sacrament like Catholic Christ wafers? If so, Rubio's Fresh Mex is guilty of blasphemy:

http://www.slashfood.com/2006/05/01/rubios-settles-langostino-lobster-burrito-lawsuit/

Langostinos are false Gods! Don't be fooled!

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

It is extremely interesting for me to read this article. Thanks for it. I like such themes and anything connected to this matter. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon.

ken e. said...

wtf? here i was, thinking of today's perfect seafood sandwich, and on topic...

HAPY ADUH

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Stupid Name said...

If Langostinos are false Gods?

Then, what is a crayfish po-boy.

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kerry said...

hey baobab GET SCREWED YA LOUSY SPAMMER.
We donr RUN, we RIDE idiot. Take your NIKES and kindly shovel them .

My apologies to Lance of course...

Stupid Name said...

Lance on a Michelob Light commercial last night?

Could not believe it.

Does he really need beer money?

How about a slim fast commercial next.

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Anonymous said...

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