Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Cross-over Appeal: It Shan't Gonna Happen

Generally speaking, cyclists tend to excitable, and at any given moment there's usually some fashion, product, controversy, or event that is sending all of us into a collective tizzy. Currently, there seems to be growing fear among cyclocross devotees that their beloved sport and its concomitant affectations (obscure cantilevers, anything Belgian) are going to be infiltrated by "hipsters." If you're one of these fretting barrier-hoppers, you're undoubtedly disturbed that SICX is coming to town this weekend.

No, I'm not referring to this guy:

Though if he were coming to town this weekend I'd be disturbed too.

"SICX" also stands for "Staten Island Cyclocross," and this is disturbing to people who wear skinsuits and mountain bike shoes because the race actually takes place in New York City (yes, technically Staten Island is part of New York City). For the most part, cyclocross races tend to occur in areas which are inconvenient to "hipsters" (unless their parents have a country house there), so this means that, while they might idly discuss going to the race in the same way they talk about going to the velodrome, they almost never follow through. There are exceptions, of course, such as Portland. There, "hipsters" can easily access cyclocross races, and the results are predictably disastrous. Consequently, many people fear that holding a cyclocross race in "hipster"-ridden New York will be like putting a tweed hat on somebody with head lice, and that before you know it every cyclocross racer in North America will be scratching his or her head and wondering what the hell happened and why all the "hipster" cycling bloggers are now posting pictures of their "vintage" XTR M900 cantis.

As frightening as all of this is, I don't think anybody has anything to worry about. Some people cite the difficulty of cyclocross as the reason "hipsters" will never take to it, but it's even simpler than that. The truth is, it's too early, and no "hipster" worth his carefully-"curated" musical library is going to curtail his evening activities in order wake up in time to get to a 'cross race. I mean, just look at the schedule on BikeReg--both the singlespeed race and the requisite ironic World Championship race take place before noon!

On top of that, it's Thanksgiving weekend, when almost every New York City "hipster" has flown back to northern California in order to sleep in a clean bed for the first time in six months and negotiate with his parents for next year's living expenses. (Hint: be sure to cover up that new ink so Mom and Dad don't figure out that they're paying for your "sleeves.")

If anything, the real concern should be that a New York City cyclocross race will result in an infestation of roadies, which is far more insidious and potentially dangerous for the sport. (A single power meter will kill it faster than a thousand fixies with riser bars.) Fortunately, though, most cyclocross races are too late for roadies. Even though they're feeling guilty for that half a beer and that bite of pie they had on Thursday and feel compelled to race it off, they also like to be finished with their riding well before lunchtime so they can download their numbers and get on with not enjoying the rest of their day.

Speaking of New York City, yesterday I mentioned I didn't like any of the winners in that "Biking Rules" contest, but on closer inspection I realize that's not entirely true. I gave this one good marks, and I failed to notice it ended up winning the "Best HD/HDV Video" category:



According to my personal criteria, any video which includes a bad sitting-on-a-bike-with-no-seat joke gets automatic approval. On the other hand, according to this same criteria, anything involving a "professional bike fitting" gets automatic disapproval. As it happens, "Bicycling" magazine has included one in their 2009 list of "The Best Gifts for Bicyclists:"

While you should certainly be as comfortable on your bike as possible, it's important to remember that any kind of long-distance or "sport-oriented" cycling (basically, any kind of riding you do in lycra) is going to involve some degree of discomfort. It's also important to take the time to perform your own adjustments and figure out what works best for you, since the process of doing so can be far more useful than having somebody else try to do it. Most importantly, we all have a different relationship with pain and suffering, and each one of us needs to discover for ourselves what this relationship is.

For example, if you're the kind of person who likes to look at disgusting pictures of men with bleeding knees, enjoys discomfort and needless suffering, and indeed feels that these are essential ingredients in an "epic" ride, then you should forego any sort of bike fitting (whether outsourced or self-administered), don some Rapha and ride yourself stupid. On the other hand, if you're one of those people who's constantly whining about minor pains and thinks cycling should involve no sensation whatsoever, no amount of bike fitting and component swapping is going to make you happy and you should just grow a beard, stock up on half-shorts, and buy a recumbent.

Of course, you can always sell somebody on the notion that you can magically make their cycling experience more enjoyable, which is why I'm working on a new recumbent bike-fitting system. Here's a prototype of my "fit cycle:"

The process is very simple. If the rider is too upright, then he will complain and possibly cry, and if he's too recumbent then he'll simply fall asleep. Therefore, by gradually reclining the recumbent fit cycle, I can slowly lower the rider until I find that "sweet spot" between total absence of physical sensation and sleep in which every recumbent rider aspires to lie. A helmet mirror angle adjustment is included with every session, though soft drinks and potato chips are extra. Also, BYOS. (Bring Your Own Snuggie.)

Apart from the bike fitting, I also noticed that the editors at "Bicycling" stealthily included almost an entire head-to-toe "Nü-Fred" wardrobe in their gift guide. Firstly, there's the wool cycling cap:

Yes, you're not a real "urban cyclist" until you own a wool cycling cap. If you're thinking of buying the Nü-Fred in your life one of these, be sure to pick the color that most closely matches his facial hair, since ideally it should sort of look "combed into" his beard and coiffure like a good toupee. Be sure that he also wears it while off the bike as much as possible, so that everybody in the coffee shop knows he rides a bike. For this reason, wool cycling caps are also known as "bike culture yarmulkes."

Next, there's the "hoodie:"

While the hooded sweatshirt became popular as casual wear in part because it was an inexpensive garment easily purchased in any sporting goods or army-navy store and not at all because it was especially good for cycling, if you're buying one for a cyclist you should be sure that it's not only very expensive but also sold by a cycling-themed company. This one is an excellent choice, and is sold by Outlier, makers of fine Snapple-proof shorts.

At this point, as a gift-giver, you may be tempted to include a nice pair of pants with the "hoodie." Stop! While this is perfectly logical in the normal world to which you are accustomed, in the world of bike-themed street clothing one shan't go forth without "shants:"


And finally, no Nü-Fred ensemble is complete without the latest essential non-essential item, the cycling-specific sneaker:

Yes, the "urban cyclist" in your life needs these, because "pedal hot spots" are a big problem when riding six blocks to the bar (or other local pedal-themed hot spot).

While these are all excellent gift ideas, I was disappointed to see that "Bicycling" omitted the new Cadel Evans t-shirt, which was forwarded to me by a reader:


It bears a quote from one of his many outbursts, which is "Don't stand on my dog:"

Personally, I think he should have gone with the one about the botched wheel change:


Or else he should enter the lucrative world of "urban cycling" apparel:

It shan't miss.

113 comments:

Lindsay said...

OH YEAH

Lindsay said...

I LOVE YOU SNOB!

anonymous coward said...

podium

Lindsay said...

Guess I'll round out the podium suckaz

Lindsay said...

ahh

Bad Lawyer said...

top 5?

Billy Reid said...

giro to DC

Bad Lawyer said...

gee thanks, Lindsay

Anonymous said...

Woot Who Chad !

rezado said...

hi-rez

Anonymous said...

DAAAAAMMMMNNNN SNOBBY Top 10

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Greg Mu said...

Lucky 13!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

I read the post. I read "0 comments". I shan't ever ascend the podium.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

I meant "0 comments." My apologies.

Astroluc said...

Topizzle Twizzle.

Bad Lawyer said...

I love the bicycle rules vid, but the hand signal demo has me confused. Backwards? Is today sdrawkcaB yad?

Anonymous said...

Do shants encourage sharts?

Astroluc said...

Even though they're feeling guilty for that half a beer and that bite of pie they had

this statement alone sums up why I will never be a "roadie".

mikeweb said...

When I used to race, I would do better with a hangover.

I guess that's why I quit, I figured I'd have to become an alcoholic to be really good.

Anonymous said...

Hipsters will never take over cyclocross...they can't even make it out to track races in which they already have the bikes, most tracks are in urban areas and races run at night!?!?

The fact that cyclocross requires a whole different bike, actual bike-handling skills (as opposed to the BS skills they think they get by bombing 9th ave), spandex, AND getting up early should make it prohibitive to most hipsters. -that is, until they grow up and realize bikes are more than just fashion accessories.

hillbilly said...

Damn Lindsay, go ahead!

Get on with not enjoying their day - beautiful, love it!

I will admit to owning a hoodie (an inexpensive one) and a wool cap. They are just so soft and comfortable!!

Anonymous said...

AYWCFBFATSMB

"All you wankers charging fifty bucks for a t shirt suck my balls"

Bobbo said...

first 25 comments are not generally very bright...just say-in...tune in later when people with minds comment

thegock said...

GOBB LER!

brothersterno said...

BEER!

See if you can find more pictures on flickr:

http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=astoria+cyclocross+2009

ant1 said...

I don't know about guilty, but I'd definitely feel ashamed about having half a beer too, having a male genitalway and all.

curmudgeon said...

Thanks Bobbo - you are adding a lot yourself, especially with your oh-so-clever-hyphenating

curmudgeon said...

Bobbo - randomly chosen from about the 80 comment point yesterday:

ibn bin necker said...
everbody knows bikes were invented by the mormans when they invaded spain

us mooslims gotta sticks together

November 23, 2009 8:06 PM

ibn bin necker said...
everbody knows the bikes was invented when the mormans invaded spain

November 23, 2009 8:07 PM

ibn bin necker said...
aw shut the hell up rikim

Yes, I see, you may have a point, you have this whole thing figured out

youaretheengine said...

Don't make me feel badly about ordering from Rivendell.

ILUV WOOL

bikesgonewild said...

...god dammit...i said i gotta stop for a pee & the whole fucking gruppo says "hey, no worries, bgw, we'll soft pedal so you can get back on" & then what do you guys do but up the tempo...

...i suppose you all think that's funny that i not only missed the podium sprint but almost didn't make the time cut, huh ???...

Brian said...

Are roadies only miserable while riding? Beacause it seems they are also able to express disdain while writing.

JClev19 said...

Anyone else see the news that Cuddles was crowned "Australian Cyclist of the Year"?

In related news, I was recently named "cyclist of the year" for my house.

CADE LSUX

rural 14 said...

Ant 2nd

ant1 said...

sorry bgw, but that's what you get for peeing right before the county line.

hillbilly said...

i tried to tell everyone else to wait, bgw, i swear, don't believe what mikeweb, ant1, and bad lawyer might say to the contrary.

Anonymous said...

it is groovey!

shaggadelic baby!

fingerbang fingerbang fingergangbang!

Wul Izitchy said...

Why isn't the best present for a cyclist a shoebox full of cash, preferably $20 bills, unmarked, "pre-tax" and nicely shrink-wrapped in plastic for easy carry in a merino wool jersey's back pockets?

ant1 said...

hillbilly, how exactly do you "tell everyone else to wait" by sprinting past the paceline? can you explain that one for me? i think you're just pissed bad lawyer won the sprint, so now you're trying to claim you weren't even racing. bgw wasn't born yesterday. your preemptive mea innocentia isn't fooling him.

bikesgonewild said...

...ya know guys...excuses are like mavic wheel engineers (or mavic crabon spokes for that matter)...they always sound a little hollow...

...& cadel w/ your "Don't stand on my dog:" business ???...

...then get that little fucker off my lawn...

hillbilly said...

I was trying to control the race from the front?

kale said...

Snob,

Should the $438 for the ensemble be added as a coefficient to the Pistadex to create a new, more predictive, multivariate analysis of how much it costs to truly enter the urban bike scene (Fixdaq)?

DAve said...

Snobbie - I guess you don't write for 'Bicycling' anymore? The derision you heap upon their
"Gift Guide", however justified, is also an indictment of their general editorial approach, i.e.serving as a shill for the 'product'. They can't be happy.

I will miss your monthly musings.

ant1 said...

bgw - excuses and mavic engineers... they're both weak?

hillbilly - did bad lawyer give you that alibi? he may need to start calling himself good lawyer.

CommieCanuck said...

$400 for bicycle fitting, or 'Virtuafitting', because after the fitting session, you can no longer afford the bike.

In related news, I was recently named "cyclist of the year" for my house.

I still remain Canada's "Prince of the cobblestones."

hillbilly said...

No, he won't talk to me after I hurled my bike at him after he outsprinted me, not that I was sprinting.

wishiwasmerckx said...

The $400.00 bike fitting includes a "happy ending." I get "fitted" almost every week.

Fred said...

I resent Snob's implication that riding a recumbent isn't uncomfortable. Social awkwardness isn't something you can fix with chammy cream.

Anonymous said...

"Pre-noon irony is inherently hipster-proof"

Ahahahahahah!! Well played, bsnyc!!

bikesgonewild said...

...ant1...

...98lb weaklings...that's what the engineers generally weigh & as a consequence, that's the load limit on the high end crabon/crabon set...

yogisurf said...

Snobby, you forgot to add the mudflap/spats.

I paid the local Great Trek Bicycle Manufacturing Company $75 for a fitting when I got the worlds 2nd greatest Madone. Money well spent to have a plumb bob hung from my knees.

Devin said...

Pretty disappointed that BSNYC is relegated to making fun of hipsters in all the predictable ways... those jokes are so tired.

PlumBob said...

I'm totally vertical!

Udder said...

Final Cut and iMovie ownership and use should require a test and license.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Devin,

I think I make fun of everybody in predicable ways.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

devin

by predictable do you mean funny?

liz said...

Devin,

by predictable do you mean accurate?

CommieCanuck said...

Money well spent to have a plumb bob hung from my knees.

True story: the plumb bob was invented by a guy named Bob Plumb.

But this gave me an idea: crabon fiber saddle testicles.

Why should prosthetic testicles be only for those who drive pickups? Why should they be heavy?

CommieCanuck said...

Liz(ard)

by accurate do you mean bitter?

Bob Plumb said...

I'm totally vertical!

liz said...

CommieCanuck,

yes.

CommieCanuck said...

by Yes, what do you mean?

ant1 said...

it depends on what the meaning of means means.

CommieCanuck said...

Bumpernuts

Crabon Saddle nuts.

Bad Lawyer said...

I plan on riding my barcalounger until the bursitis abates--it's the only recumbent I ride. I refuse to ride a bike that needs a fluorescent flag to be operated safely.

And HB, Ant1...the sprinters have me at the start line, everytime.

Bad Lawyer said...

CC

The Brooks Saddle Nuts are right up there with the Greg LeMond "Say Anything"/Stalker genius-graphics.

Udder said...

Bobbo said:

first 25 comments are not generally very bright...just say-in...tune in later when people with minds comment

Your post was comment #24.

Claude Bawles said...

Brooks Saddle Nuts require a special wrench/spanner to adjust for proper tension.

ant1 said...

Udder - nice burn.

CommieCanuck said...

Saddle nuts come in three sizes:

Cadel Evans (S)
Rosie O'donnell (m)
Dick Cheney (l)

and two lengths,

Lance Armstrong and Clint Eastwood.

order today!

frilly said...

Just in time for the holidays--Silver Balls.

Ding-a-ling, hear them ping.

CC's just a lawsuit away.

CommieCanuck said...

They also come in black and white crabon fiber

Bad Lawyer said...

CC

Nice Balls!

Fred said...

CC- Can I get a set of those in the Garmin-Slipstream argyle colorway? Those would look awesome on my safety flag-pole.

Heh, heh. Flag pole.

Damn, they're making me dumber already...

Fierce Panties said...

There is only one Lone Wolf.

Fierce Panties said...

CC

Yea man, nice balls. But I have to question the crabon ballway choice with the Brooks saddle. Shantn't that pair be lugged steel balls?

Stupid Name said...

Cyclocross is just for old guys, who cant road race anymore, and never could snarl.

Hipsters attention spans are too short for cyclocross.

Cyclocross will be safe if rural, suburban, or urban.

Stupid Name said...

Oh yea,
Commie Canuck,
Why are the white balls so much smaller?

Canadian, Meh?

ibn ben necker said...

there aint noone who stands up for us redneck mooslims but i aint fucking stoopid enuff to buy a hoodie for $225

i mean shit

as for that curmudgeon feller

may the camel of your desires scorn your advances ya stoopid fucker

Anonymous said...

OMG!!! Cadel Evans/Henry Rollins separated at birth!!!

Ron said...

I hope that you're aware of this.

I hope that you soundly trounce them sometime soon.

Fan Club VDB said...

VDB4 EVER

Pack Phil said...

"Jan made yet another mistake, and not just because she's a woman." around 2:17

Carsen said...

from cranks505.com : http://vimeo.com/7446645
cyclocross + fixies?

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Hey Liz,

Good to see you're still around. Hair looks great!

flynn said...

how many other outburstways does that shirt come in?

Visegripmikey said...

All I want for Christmas is a little free time to ride my bike. And ski goggles.

ken e. said...

yes to snarky comments!
good work everyone, up until a moment ago my afternoon was sucking flowerboxes of woe. thanks snob!
those domain sitters need some innernets skills, if it don't load in 8 seconds, it's over

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

These would be more appropriate for use with a Brooks saddle, I think.

http://www.rivbike.com/products/list/odds_and_ends?a=1&page=2#product=21-078

Snobworthy story there, too. I have long suspected that Grant is one of Snob's literary influences.

kerry said...

Wow, I was just remarking to myself the other day, my daggy saggy tire tube bag hanging from my crabon bike saddle was giving me a gentailway I do not posses( unless I borrow one).
That roadie comment on the half beer and bite of pie. There I was , in my lycra, miserably contemplating that two tablespoons of ice cream and steamed vanilla milk I had after the ride....yikes

Stupid Name said...

http://www.latfh.com/post/243797821/guys-a-little-help-my-bike-is-trying-to-eat-me

The future of urban cyclocross.

ksteinhoff said...

I learned all I needed to know about bike safety from this 1950s safety booklet I found in my Mother's attic last month.

Here's the summary:

If you're a scofflaw or careless, you'll be
* Killed
* Injured severely
* Scarred for life
* Arrested
* Have your bike taken away
* Have a mark on your permanent record
* All of the above

The best part is that it's illustrated with gory cartoons.

CommieCanuck said...

Commie Canuck,
Why are the white balls so much smaller?


That's just a myth, besides, I hear it doesn't matter.

Lazy Lowrydr said...

What is it with you and all this recumbent hate anyway? What, you can't stand people that don't want a wedge shaped object shoved up our ass?

poser said...

@BikeSnobNYC - please restore your credibility by clarifying your intent with this line:

'There, "hipsters" can easily access cyclocross races, and the results are predictably disastrous.'

in which you link to a picture of Portland racing legend John Howe (who is the opposite of anything hipster). This is either inaccurate, or beautifully dry.

if it's the latter, then, well played sir. well played.

norawoah said...

So- a little late, but we're so glad you liked the video!

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Fixdaq would also need to incorporate the average price of PBR and tattoo sleeves.

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