Monday, October 19, 2009

Oily Renderings: Inspiring Portraits and Suggestive Hand Gestures

On Friday, I speculated that Tour de France winner Alberto Contador might respond to George Hincapie's powerful portrait by commissioning one of his own. Well, not only was I right, but the masterpiece is already complete, for a reader has forwarded me the following:

With this painting Contador has done singlehandedly what it took like four Domo riders to do to Hincapie in the 2001 Paris-Roubaix: demoralize and trounce him. This portrait is nothing less than a visual repast, and wherever the eye alights one finds a delightful amuse-bouche. Consider, for example, his midsection:

Each of Contador's wrists is festooned with what are clearly FingerbangStrong bracelets, and on his right bicep he wears a scarlet Armband of Insouciance. Also, while one might think the dowel he's carrying represents the beatings he administers to the rest of the peloton, it is actually a symbol of modesty and humility; as you can see, the air is thick with flying Fingerbangs, and when the flock of his greatness becomes too thick he uses it to swat them away. Further evidence of his modesty are his giant pants, for while some have accused Contador of being too big for his britches, the truth is his britches are too big for him. However, he did indulge himself in one area, which is the size of his codpiece. Made from high modulous crabon fiber, the implication is that it both accomodates and protects his significant crotchal wingspan.

Meanwhile, another reader has forwarded me this photo of Contador fingerbanging in Cancun on Saturday:
While Contador did win the Grand Premio Cancun, the reason for this particular fingerbang is that he's just spotted a friend on the beach:

This is disturbing evidence that Contador may adopt Sammy Hagar's "Mas Tequila" as his victory anthem for 2010. By using that song in conjunction with the fingerbang hand gesture, he will now be able to emit the douche-wattage of a thousand Michael Balls and unleash superova of smarm with each podium appearance. Incidentally, if you don't speak Spanish "Mas Tequila" apparently means "But Tequila:"

Of course, these online translators are often wrong, and that's obviously the case here as well. "Mas Tequila" actually means "Butt Tequila," which should serve as a sort of Rosetta Stone to understanding both this song in particular as well as Sammy Hagar's oeuvre in general.

Speaking of "Butt Tequila," smarm, Michael Ball, and, well, fingerbanging, the blog Cycling Inquisition has recently obtained evidence that Rock Racing may be changing its slogan:
While I'm not sure if this is true, it is clear from the photo that somebody's digits are squarely in somebody else's "viscous comfort zone," and it also puts Rock Racing's trademark devil horns in an entirely new context.

Fortunately, though, the road racing season is mostly over, which means cycling fans can take a break from the filth of fingerbanging and surreptitious digital insertion disguised as victory celebration and instead revel in the literal filth of people riding around in the mud which is cyclocross. Here's "mixtape" enthusiast and cyclocross racer Barry Wicks negotiating a tricky turn this past weekend:

Now, I don't believe in coincidences. If a wheel explodes for no good reason, then it's probably because the wheel was poorly designed. If a Rock Racing rider's hand is planted squarely between a teammate's legs, then it's probably because the rider was searching for his teammate's "viscous comfort zone." So when someone who calls himself "Wicknasty" and curates "indie" music CDs comes to the East Coast and a graffito like this appears on the Williamsburg Bridge, then it's probably because he spraypainted it:

One might argue the fact that this says "Micknasty" absolves him, but the "M" is probably an upside-down "W" and a stylistic flourish, just like the backwards "N." Also, the FYM obviously stands for "Fuck Your Mud." Really, the only thing worse than freakishly tall cyclocross racers coming to our town and vandalizing it is cows in our bike lanes:

the fat cows in the SUVs in the bike lane nr manhattan bridge - m4w - 29 (navy yardz, brooklyn)
Date: 2009-10-18, 6:45PM EDT

you are the big, grazing bitches that hang out in your SUVs, idling, in the newly constructed, elevated bike lanes on Sands st, in brooklyn on the way to the manhattan bridge. i am one of the many cyclists who has to deal with your bullshit on a daily basis, as you sit chewing your cud, thoughtfully contemplating whatever it is your long nails let you contemplate. thank you so much for making every little, measly gesture the DOT makes to bikers just as meaningless as whatever was before.


As frustrating as this is, it's also not surprising, given that New York City probably lacks the "level of maturity" of, say, Denver--though even they have their problems according to this article, forwarded to me by a reader:


Apparently, despite Denver's "level of maturity" in terms of cycling infrastructure, more and more cyclists are getting seriously injured. And if things are this bad in Denver, then this means the rest of us are totally screwed:

"Denver is very much a bicycle community. If we are seeing an increase in injuries in a metropolitan area that has fairly mature bike infrastructure from the standpoint of bike pathways, there's reason for concern about what's happening in metropolitan areas that don't have that level of maturity," Kashuk said.

I wonder if Dr. Kashuk would consider Portland a "mature" cycling city. On one hand, it's the most bike-friendly city in North America, as you can see from the leg hair of this person riding an Urban Outfitters bike in road shoes. On the other hand, this bike-friendliness is generally manifest in things like theme rides, bike temples, and freak bike alleycats. I guess bike maturity has an inverse relationship to actual maturity. In any case, Kashuk feels we may be "on the cusp of an injury epidemic," and that we need to invest in "bike paths and community infrastructure." However, he says nothing about riding naked, which some people feel is the real solution to our problems, and if you agree you can support this by purchasing a t-shirt:

In fact, a reader tells me he recently saw someone wearing a naked bike ride t-shirt, and the existence of such a garment struck him as being rather ironic since surely one cannot cycle naked and wear a t-shirt at the same time. This is like riding a bike with brakes while sporting a "NOBR AKES" knuckle tattoo, or like smoking against cancer. Then again, maybe it's OK to wear a naked bike ride t-shirt as long as you take it off before getting on your bike, just as another reader informs me it's acceptable in Canada to lock up your bike with your belt:

I don't know if that's mature, but it's certainly ingenious. And speaking of combining immaturity with ingenuity, a little mechanical know-how can allow you to indulge your inner child well into adulthood by modifying your BMX:


Or, you can simply turn your bike into a rolling cartoon, as with this bike which was spotted by a reader in Tokyo:

Tokyo must be even more mature than Portland.

80 comments:

Anonymous said...

first

Anonymous said...

really!?!

JAT in Seattle

Anonymous said...

SECOND

Anonymous said...

dang!
JAT in Seattle

Anonymous said...

yeahh 4th?

landis in 06 said...

booyah

Anonymous said...

hAGGAR!

Anonymous said...

Darn, I was going to fingerbang, too!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CZSR

-P.P.

landis in 06 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

rack and panniers, brakes and gears. das how I roll.

wishiwasmerckx said...

At last. The post was late because I was in Manhattan last weekend, and they are still trying to restore order.

Big Greasy Fart said...

Top Ten

CommieCanuck said...

EMO belts are a perfectly acceptable way of locking up a bike in Canada. Sure, someone could undo the belt and take that bike, ...but that would be rude.

EMOB ELTS

hillbilly said...

phew, I was starting to worry.....

was in south carolina this weekend, a ton of bikes, not a single helmet (course they were mostly beach cruisers, but still...)

Surly Bastard said...

Got shoes to match that belt?

Anonymous said...

BUTT BANG

PINK STNK

More nonplussed, Valverde or the chick behind Alberto?

The chick.

Anonymous said...

I'd be embarassed to rock the pink bike - the tire label is not properly aligned with the valve!

Anonymous said...

WICK WHAM

wishiwasmerckx said...

I thought that I had run into the Snob himself this weekend in lower Manhattan, but it turned out to be Bloomberg's daughter instead. Hoo boy, was I embarrassed.

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

Wow, anonymous rules the top 10...

Congratulations! At least you know who you are.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

As a longtime fan of the metal music genre, I take offense to a bunch of girly looking roadies using the devil horns as their "trademark."

Dio would not approve.

Lindsay said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave said...

Amoung his many other attributes, Alberto must have great vision because, the beach Sammy Hagar was hanging out at was in Cao San Lucas on Baja (hence Cabo Wabo) about 1400 miles from Cancun. Bit of a geographic stretch for a tequila joke, huh Mr. Snob?

pAUL bOWEN said...

Hey, enough with the Hagar bashin'! Space Station Number 5 still rocks like a bitch.

MONT ROSE

grog said...

crotchal wingspan
thank you snob

Bad Lawyer said...

The protrait of Count Alberto is a mastepiece!

I'd comment on the "epic codpiece"--but, I'm struggling with my sexuality ever since a driver (apparently eyeing "my package")shouted "faggot" at me, during my ride yesterday, hah! What he should have said was "you suck." Maybe he was just confused.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

youaretheengine said...

The belt lock works well from April to November. From December to March we prefer to use the string that connects our mittens to our coat sleeves.

Salty Seattle said...

huh?

Cogitoergosum said...

Does that crabon codpiece exhibit vertical compliance while still maintaining lateral rigidity?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Youaretheengine, a white belt after labor day is definitely gauche.

CommieCanuck said...

I'm struggling with my sexuality ever since a driver (apparently eyeing "my package")shouted "faggot" at me, during my ride yesterday,

Was your "package" a bundle of sticks? Maybe he was British.It's sometimes hard to tell if they mean "faggot" or "fagot".

BNDL STKS

youaretheengine said...

wishiwasmerckx: You are correct.

*checks to make sure current belt/lock is brown*

Fashion crime averted. Bicycle can be locked without ridicule.

Salty Seattle said...

I'll claim navtive blondness on the ant2nd. I am not getting that one..

Anyway, It'd be cool if Zipp started offering Anime. That's even cooler than painting the inside of the crabon fork, IMHO. What if it animated as it spins, and the avatar displayed a varying array of messages?

--Happy Good Time!
--Steal This Wheelset!
--Viscous Pink Things!

yogisurf said...

As more cyclists hit the road, injuries are increasing…

No kidding....we are suppose to stay on the two, round rubber things. Every time I have hit the road, I have got scraped up.

Anonymous said...

-FUKY RMUD-

Fipper said...

unus in pink duos in feteo

Sammy Hagar said...

BUTT TQLA

Bad Lawyer said...

CC asks:

Was your "package" a bundle of sticks? Maybe he was British.It's sometimes hard to tell if they mean "faggot" or "fagot".


That's it! I gotta stop carrying that starter log in my tights. Whew!

Anonymous said...

Damn and I sent RTMS photos of a bike locked by belt months, months ago. Stupid crappy camera phone.

g said...

I do not like this, no not at all...

http://miami.craigslist.org/pbc/bik/1428383828.html

Anonymous said...

That portrait is gorgeous! Well done.

Billy Reid said...

like i said, if you're going to fingerbang, why not do it in cancun with Balverde as your wingman. It's spring break for someone right now, isn't it? (Aussies?)

Bad Lawyer said...

The Craig's List cat-in-the-hat bike, might just be the Gap-bike I've been looking for--love the set-up--is that a nine-speed cassette?

the fish in the pot said...

"Do I like this bike? Oh no, I do not!
You get out of this house!"

Said the fish in the pot.

belmont sledgehammer said...

Even out here in progressive & mature portland, the scream of "Faggot!" whilst out on a road ride is ridiculously common. I think next time it happens to me I'll chase the car down and give the driver a nice big wet, sloppy blow job. That'll show 'em!

mjfriend said...

Here's a great craigslist add about how the tenuousness of material possessions can be improved upon by some wednesday weed
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html

red neckerson said...

hey dave you dum fuck

that spanish fly feller could see sammy hagar 1400 miles away cause he had espn

so fuck you

BikeSnobNYC said...

Dave,

Sammy Hagar has Mexican beach omnipresence.

--BSNYC

pAUL bOWEN said...

Rather late but must add that I also loved both the Contador portrait and 'crotchal wingspan'.

frilly said...

Great painting. I'll take one but only if its done properly on black velvet.

And I don't usually like Anime', too quirky even for me. However I LOVE the pink tires.

Jão said...

Great video > http://cadeoedson.blogspot.com/2009/10/video-bicicleta-1001-utilidades.html

Anonymous said...

http://www.marriedtothesea.com/101909/fixed-gear-velocipede.gif <- stealing bikesnobs schtick

Bad Lawyer said...

Incredible video...now, I feel so skeezy. Kinda of a natural state of being for a bad lawyer.

Anonymous said...

Judging by the art style, I bet the characters on the pink bike are from a visual novel rather than an animated series.

Anonymous said...

Also, I just noticed the pink bike appears to have a dummy rear brake lever replete with dummy cable housing.

Anonymous said...

Is this a finger-bang discway???

http://www.cyclingweekly.co.uk/news/latest/427059/contador-says-tuesday-the-deadline-for-astana-s-future.html

Anonymous said...

To Bad Lawyer:

Maybe the shouting driver was just hungry?

Faggot!!!

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

it's más, not mas

leroy said...

Well thank God bicycling maturity is inverse to actual maturity.

That gives me something other than adult diapers to look forward to.

Kent Johnson said...

Frank Vandenbroucke, 1974-2009

http://www.smh.com.au/national/obituaries/life-spun-out-of-control-for-cyclings-james-dean-20091019-h4vs.html

erik k said...

love the portrait... well done

Salty Seattle said...

Okay.

You guys have convinced me. I must have that pink bike.

I love you all..

Fan Club VDB said...

VDB4 EVER

Viscous Von Fingerbang said...

For all concerned, the emo beltlock should be the next big thing w the fixieconformobots along with the regular totem pole of hierarchy bike locking.The fixie scene will have officially jumped the shark when part time rocker/part time hollywood actor Jared Leto and his band releases his latest music video with the fixie conformo army fully involved.

Yokota Fritz said...

Otaku itaichari ikemasho! That manga bike is pretty incredible.

bikesgonewild said...

...top podium spot art work...a true renaissance photoshop-ist...most excellent work...

...first prize in the 'gran premio cancun' was a trip to cabo in order to get those dudes out a' town...even the mexicans know how cheap bike racers are...

...besides...hizzoner, the alcalde of cancun saw the sleazy "vicious comfort zone" fingerbanging action going on & figured cabo's unofficial alcalde, sammy 'cabo wabo, mas tequila', i can't drive at 55' haggar was better suited for that kinda shit...

...right up his back alley, as it were...

Anonymous said...

That's not a dowel. It is a mappa mundi, latin for "map of the world". No humility there.

Meccanico di Veno said...

Itachari means "pain bike" because it hurts to look at it, or is it because the owner should be hurt for building it?

bikesgonewild said...

..."itachari" probably 'cuz the owner now realizes after spending all that money, they wish they had started out w/ a better bike...

...this was kinda like polishing, painting & gold plating the proverbial turd...

Anonymous said...

http://velospace.org/node/19631

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