Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Riding Lessons: Ugly Truths and Loose Balls

As I mentioned yesterday, one of the most difficult things about cycling is that it can be hard to come to terms with the fact that you're not special. However, while I strongly believe none of us are special in relation to each other, I do sometimes feel as though, as cyclists, we may be a tiny bit special relative to humanity as a whole. This is not because we ride bikes as much as it is that we've found something that we truly love to do, and that's not something everybody in this world can say. Having something you love to do that's actually good (or at least not bad) for you can help you learn more about yourself and the world around you. In a sense, you can use your bicycle as a scalpel to cut through the sinew and flab of life in order to catch a glimpse at the beating heart of truth.

Again, this isn't specific to cycling; you can also gain insight into life from baking, knitting, or even dog grooming. (Enlightened dog groomers often spend weeks creating elaborate hairstyles which represent the cosmos; then, like sand mandalas, they whisk them away.) But cycling does have its advantages over these pursuits in that you can also ride your bike to work, which is something you can't do with a cake or a pair of mittens. Sure, in theory you can ride an elaborately groomed dog to work, but then you risk running afoul of PETA.

Unfortunately though, the beating heart of truth isn't always beautiful or attractive. Like an actual heart, people like to portray it as pretty and symmetrical (as in this charming dog shirt), but the genuine article is quite disgusting. You may find this as you wield your scalpel through the sinew and flab of city traffic, and you glimpse the ugly heart of truth in the form of a driver who nearly kills you. In this case, the ugly truth is that people are grossly self-important, and that for many people your life is not worth the effort it takes to pay attention or the extra few seconds they may need to wait before they can safely get around you. It's at these moments you wish you could somehow choke them to death on their own self-importance. You also realize how tenuous and minimal our collective regard and compassion for one another really is. We're like tapioca pearls in a watery pudding of indifference that is barely sweet or cohesive enough to qualify as a dessert.

But there are beautiful moments too, or at least ones that aren't deadly. Who has not set out on a bike ride feeling angry or stressed, only to witness some almost impossibly perfect moment, like a sleuth of bear cubs eating together from a honeypot? (Actually, I'm sure almost nobody has seen that on a bike ride, unless they were reading "Winnie the Pooh" at the time.) Then, there are also the moments of inspiration. It's well known that the saddle of a bicycle is the third most inspirational place to be, just behind the place between wakefulness and dreams and the toilet. I had just such a moment this morning, as I palpaged ("palpaging" is to riding as "portaging" is to carrying) my Scattante Manhattanward and a leaf alighted on my shoulder. There it sat, held in place by my forward motion and the wind. Intrigued, I moved it to the face plate of my stem, and it stayed there too. Then, I moved it to the head tube:

It was then I realized I had just invented the world's first totally "green," environmentally-friendly power meter. As long as I maintained my speed, the leaf would stay in place. Surely then, all I needed to do was calculate the speed relative to the size of the leaf and create some unit of measurement. (Or else use an existing one, like the DFU.) Then, I could market a whole bunch of different sized leaves which you'd use depending on how hard you wanted to train. For a recovery ride, you'd use a big leaf like this, and for a really hard ride you'd use something tiny. Or, for the fixed-gear set, you'd simply use a leaf that ensured you maintained a speed most conducive to that oft-cited state of "zen." (Though I suppose you could also consume a leaf like this for a similar effect.) As for my own serendipitous prototype, it eventually blew away in a crosswind (I'll have to figure out how to prevent that on future models) but not before telling me something about myself I already knew:

Now that's the truth.

But if the bicycle is a truth-seeking tool, is the act of "customizing" a bicycle simply a way to highlight the profound usefulness of the machine, or is it simply vanity? Well, I guess that depends on the rider. Either way, many people feel compelled to adorn their bicycles with expensive components. Furthermore, sometimes adorning the bicycle with components isn't enough, and they also have to adorn the components themselves:
A number of readers alerted me to these custom Brooks saddles, and while I'm not sure if Eric "The Chamferer" Murray would be impressed or nonplussed, they certainly attest to the nearly universal human compulsion to decorate the things upon which we rest our asses. In the interview, Kara Ginther also says something which has been uttered by many a mohel before her:

Speaking of castration, it seems from the comments on yesterday's post that the issue of cycling and gender is a controversial one. However, I'm sure we all agree that the joy of cycling should be available to everyone, regardless of genitalway. That said, perhaps some of the language surrounding cycling is a bit off-putting to women. Take this Craigslist ad, which features a bike with "loose ball nutted" hubs:

Surely one can understand how a woman might feel uncomfortable taking up cycling when there are loose balls nutting all over the place. Incidentally, the company that can't seem to keep its balls under control is called "Red You R Dead," and to their credit even though the fixed-gear culture is "closed" they're still sneaking people in:

At first I thought Seat Coats had been riding fixed-gears since 1995 until I realized this was actually his birthdate, and I must say that fixed-gear freestyling seems a lot less ridiculous when it's actually performed by teenagers, in the same way that Dutch city bikes seem a lot less pretentious when they're ridden in Amsterdam and that time trial bikes seem a lot less pointless when they're ridden in professional time trials and not in Prospect Park at 13mph with aero bars that are higher than the saddle. I was also intrigued to learn that hipsters who trackstand at red lights are actually inspiring a new generation of cyclists:

Sadly, one day Nick Narachi will learn the answer to his question, which is that hipsters trackstand at red lights the same way they do everything else: Half-assed, and on equipment purchased for them by their parents.

But while Coats and Narachi may be able to sneak into fixed-gear "culture" due to their youth, others are able to do so due to their celebrity. A reader has informed me that actor Jared Leto will be palpaging one in a short film for a song by his band, 30 Seconds to Mars:

Not only that, but he unleashed the awesome power of his fame to recruit Los Angeles's "Midnight Ridazz" for extra duty. Even though they are still smarting from the "The Midnight Ride" short film, many riders apparently showed up to appear in the film, which (according to the casting call) "will be celebrating the world of night rides, fixies, tall bikes, short bikes, weird bikes, costumes and most of all, the incredible community and unique individuals that make up this world. This short film is a lyrical journey from downtown to the Santa Monica Pier." (Which is just another way of saying, "We need a bunch of freaks.")

Clearly, Leto is learning an important lesson from the Flaming Lips, which is that if you need large groups of people to look foolish on camera for free, then the world of cycling is an inexhaustible resource.

114 comments:

Helen said...

crap i'm reading this too much

LoRoK said...

AYHSM1ST.

Adams Carroll said...

hi!

kale said...

Gonopodium!

J said...

PODIUM. Like Astana

Bad Lawyer said...

top ten!

mikeweb said...

top 10

-balls

Anonymous said...

David Duchovny is a cycling hooligan

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/xfiles1.html

Anonymous said...

Lucky Slix!

innerlighter said...

10?

Anonymous said...

ten

innerlighter said...

RIP VDB

Todd said...

What? Fight Club residuals couldn't cover white crank arms, seat post and head set spacers?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Slone said...

shiz

Mark said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mark said...

I'm not a PODI UMHO today!

J said...

I think you meant "curating elaborate haristyles"

rezado said...

Ugly balls

Bad Lawyer said...

"It's at these moments you wish you could somehow choke them to death on their own self-importance. You also realize how tenuous and minimal our collective regard and compassion for one another really is. We're like tapioca pearls in a watery pudding of indifference that is barely sweet or cohesive enough to qualify as a dessert."

Tapioca pearls! The imagery has me moist-eyed. BSNTC, you have reached metaphorical singularity.

Astroluc said...

in before Sh*t storm?

PACK FODR

Chris said...

I haven't seen any bears, but I've had quite a few close calls with deer, especially at this time of the year...

mike poole said...

"tapioca pearls in a watery pudding of indifference that is barely sweet or cohesive enough to qualify as a dessert"

Did Wednesday come a day early this week?

mikeweb said...

No bear sightings for me either, though one time many years ago, a coyote was trotting along - perhaps shadowing me - about 50 feet to my right, and I was road riding. Luckily.

Anonymous said...

Helen -- well done.

balls.

red neckerson said...

so anyways me and ricky we been thinking about them yer peeins from yesterday and we thinks we gots it figured out

when chris colombo was the man if you had balls and brains you came to america kicked the shit out of them brits and indians and became republicans

if you only had brains but no balls you became french

if you had balls but no brains you became german

then all the germans became nazis and got killed so now the only germans left got no balls and thats why you cant tells no difference between them and the french

if you became a merkin and ate too many hamburgers from cows on birth control pills then your kids became queers and girly boys and then they turned democrat

the russians were fucked up from the git go so they is all commies

we ran this by jolene and she said that sounded right to her so we is going to write a book titled the way this shit really went down

Reed Enwright said...

DWRF SEXX

innerlighter said...

But it's okay to look foolish as long as the camera is cutting through the sinew and flab of self respect.


meh

Reed Enwright said...

ROAD KILL

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Fortunately, Red are not dead. I just seen his post.

g said...

I have to admit, when I clicked on the link to the heart photo, I was actually expecting to see some sepia toned midget porn. And for that, I just feel wrong.

sufferist said...

Well done Helen, kudos to you...

displacedcalifornian said...

uuuuuuuhmmmmm.....

Test Tickle said...

anyone notice the "Baseball Fury" gang banging member to the aft of Leto?

Warriors, come out to playeeay!

balls.

Test Tickle said...

ps - anon 2:11,

come up with your own damn moniker, poser.

the one and only...

balls.

Anonymous said...

actually Leto gave the midnight ridazz a PB&J and a red bull for being in the shoot.

see how little they'll sell out for?

Anonymous said...

do I need a special tool to tighten my BALLS?

Anonymous said...

After work I'm gonna work hard on my speed speed.

hillbilly said...

top 50, midseason form......

Loose Wheel Balls said...

balls

hillbilly said...

"As long as I maintained my speed speed,"

that must be really fast!

Luck E. Seven said...

Nobody puts balls in a corner.


A

youaretheengine said...

I need a leaf that will ensure I maintain 88mph.

1.21 GGWT

Test Tickle said...

Lucky 7 - tell that the Minnesota Fats.

balls.

bikesgonewild said...

..."...as cyclists, we may be a tiny bit special relative to humanity as a whole. This is not because we ride bikes as much as it is that we've found something that we truly love to do, and that's not something everybody in this world can say."...

...& dare i say we do it regularly, in the face of, at times, very daunting odds...

Anonymous said...

is this blog still hear

Daddo said...

proving the old race adage:

S/he who reads with humor intact wins.

innerlighter said...

BGW,
The cyclists brain(or lack thereof) is a very effective mechanism for forgetting pain.

Superleggero Bearing Balls said...

Brother Sheldon, ahead of his time as usual.

http://sheldonbrown.com/lirpa.html

mechazawa said...

i got two tacos, pb&j, hamburger, breakfast sandwich, redbull, and tepid water. sir, i say good day!

Astroluc said...

thank god... today comments retain their integrity ;)

And this paragraph, Snobby, from beginning to end, is pure poetry!
Unfortunately though, the beating heart of truth isn't always beautiful or attractive. Like an actual heart, people like to portray it as pretty and symmetrical (as in this charming dog shirt), but the genuine article is quite disgusting. You may find this as you wield your scalpel through the sinew and flab of city traffic, and you glimpse the ugly heart of truth in the form of a driver who nearly kills you. In this case, the ugly truth is that people are grossly self-important, and that for many people your life is not worth the effort it takes to pay attention or the extra few seconds they may need to wait before they can safely get around you. It's at these moments you wish you could somehow choke them to death on their own self-importance. You also realize how tenuous and minimal our collective regard and compassion for one another really is. We're like tapioca pearls in a watery pudding of indifference that is barely sweet or cohesive enough to qualify as a dessert.

May the splinters of an R-Sys bless you. (sounds weird, I know)

mander said...

Excellent work today Snobby. This is one of your best.

bikesgonewild said...

..."In a sense, you can use your bicycle as a scalpel to cut through the sinew and flab of life in order to catch a glimpse at the beating heart of truth."...

...yep...

..."Unfortunately though, the beating heart of truth isn't always beautiful or attractive...the genuine article is quite disgusting."...

...yep, again...

...but hey...as a hereditary heart patient who's been through a major heart surgery, i can only say "you've touched my heart" bsnyc/rtms...

...that, or i just had a fucking heart attack but hey, what the hell, i'm still smilin'...

Charles said...

But you can get to work in a baked good!

http://www.neimanmarcus.com/store/sitelets/christmasbook/fantasy.jhtml?cid=CBF10_O4428&icid=NMCDpage48&r=cat24050744&rdesc=The%20Christmas%20Book&rparams=xpage=48

bikesgonewild said...

...innerlighter...

...more true than you might imagine, sir & believe me, i'm not doin' any lying in these posts...

If It's Not Funny Anymore... said...

WTF bikes at It's Not Funny Anymore

Anonymous said...

Years back while on an extended climb I overtook a swarm of ladybugs. One buzzed along eye level, a foot or two in front of my bike for minute. I watched it in flight, sort of like that movie "Microcosmos."

Harbour Seal said...

Indicator of what, exactly?

Anonymous said...

Hey Test Tickle,

Can you just hear Ajax telling the "Baseball Fury"
"I'm gonna shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a popsicle"
LOL
Maybe we need some "bicycle Furies"

Test Tickle said...

Ha!

"....I'm sick of this running shit!"

Warriors - one of the best movies ever.

balls.

kale said...

Anyone else find it fitting that Jared "Jordan Catalano" Leto is riding a ghost bike.

jon said...

I can only dream of flying along at 13 mph, you insensitive barstard!

sufferist said...

Dear Test Tickle: I believe that your "balls" is a salutation and not a moniker, unless you would prefer to go by that rather than Test Tickle. The choice is up to you...

Anonymous said...

seems to me that this post is a
day ahead of itself?!

Test Tickle said...

sufferist -

my bad. it was written in the heat of passion...

what 'chu expect from someone named after a sweaty, hairy, salty part of the male anatomy?

balls.

Anonymous said...

Hey Test Tickle,
What are those round things bouncing off of your chin?


balls.

sufferist said...

No need for apology, I'm just trying to fluff up my own detail-oriented sense of self-importance. I'm not doing so well on wheels lately, so I gotta crush at something. Thank you...

Bad Lawyer said...

It's a chilly fall here on the "north coast" which being the south shore of Lake Erie, I'm not sure how it got to be called the Northcoast. I rode this am through the metro park--a valley that encirlces Cuyahoga County. With the 40-50 degree temps I'm one of the last two-wheeled holdouts. By nature 'a cycling lanterne rouge--colder temps means I can maintain my delusion of winning the today's crit' and podium glory.

While I was riding I did mull over the idea of "being special" because I ride a bike--and, yeah I know that I'm special because I'm somewhat obsessive about it and the fact that on a good, warm day there are not that many road cyclists doing it regularly--although, generally speaking I see them only fleetingly as they blow by moi. I was talking to the owner of my LBS about whether it would make sense for him to offer a maintenance package in the spring of each year, you know--pay one fee and stop in anytime for no fee tweaks throughout the year. He said he had discussed it over the years and despite the fact that this is THE LBS--there aren't enough obsessive riders.

I don't think "special" is the word I would use to describe my cycling--solitary fits.

BTW, I get that leaf-thing, but it's usually because my frame needs a wash and the wind is blowing sideways.

Test Tickle said...

anon 4:10 -

those round things would be your mama, and your sisters, oh so sweet mammaries.

boobs.

Salty Seattle said...

Beautiful post today. Thank you, Snobby!

I do have a question, though. "Having something you love to do that's actually good (or at least not bad) for you can help you learn more about yourself and the world around you."

Where does masturbation fit?

Loose balls aside, I did remember something that intimidates me about Bike Repair. The Nipple Wrench. (Yikes! I can't even type it without wincing a little.)

Cranky Mule said...

I am special!

d. fofonov said...

What is sound of one ball flaping?

Fierce Panties said...

LUCE BALZ

talkshowhost said...

I love this post. Cycling is something that I love and I wish that I'd discovered it sooner! Also, the environmentally friendly power meter is awesome!

bikesgonewild said...

...salty seattle...you asked "Where does masturbation fit?"...

...hmmm...maybe that's what bsnyc/rtms really meant when he said "...like tapioca pearls in a watery pudding of indifference that is barely sweet or cohesive enough to qualify as a dessert."...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Snob,

Perhaps you can ask Stevil to show you how to host your own site. The blogger ads are growing increasingly annoying and bound to get worse. I'm sure readers would donate to cover the costs.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, if you happen to be on the upper east side before october 22nd, Lance is showing off 6 of his bikes (and a tequila bike) at the armory on Park between 66th and 67th. And it's free. The Shepherd Fairey ugly bike makes an appearance.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 5:35pm,

I'm sorry about the ads, but they're there precisely so nobody has to spend any money. One of these days I will move, but even then there will still need to be some form of advertising.

--BSNYC

murphstahoe said...

Trees in San Francisco attack brakeless cyclist....

http://sfist.com/2009/10/13/photos_stormwatch2k9_--_tree_almost.php

matt said...

just look at leto's saggy chain

Salty Seattle said...

Wow! Thanks, BGW!..I recognize that I'm a little slow, and not just when I'm on my bike.

I'll always be amazed by the literary genius that is Mr. Snob.

Thank you, Snobbie!

bikesgonewild said...

...ok, ok, salty seattle...

...i don't really think that was bsnyc/rtms's implication at all, but hey...i'm thinkin' it had to be said, sooo, dammit, i said it...

Bad Lawyer said...

My italiano steel 2-wheels has a Brooks race saddle with, ha,ha,ha--ti rails to shave grams--it makes me soooooo fast!

So I kinda like the artisan-modified Brooks saddlery. The only knock on my Brooks saddle is that it's kinda of slippery--and the folky artisanship looks like it might solve that issue.

Now if I could see one with a bluegrass-motive.

Kent Johnson said...

"It's well known that the saddle of a bicycle is the third most inspirational place to be, just behind the place between wakefulness and dreams and the toilet."

Too true, I get a lot of my ideas while zoned-in or is it zoned-out riding.

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

I just glued some velour on my Brooks. Lots cheaper.

Bad Lawyer said...

Red--

isn't a "merkin" a pubic hair-toupee?

I had a waiter tell me the braised short ribs had been merkin rubbed! I told him that I'd pass on the short ribs and he better hope the health department didn't learn of that restaurant's practice.

Anonymous said...

Anon 5:35 - if you don't like the ads, get FlashBlock and they mostly go away.

Anonymous said...

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/1418015896.html So, who gets the DUI?

Fan Club VDB said...

VDB4 EVER

Andy Pandy said...

wishiwasmerckx,
would like to paint a picture of a hard fast and boosie double life on the run as a pole dancer in Mozambique, after digging my way under the razor wire at the Tasmanian penitentiary for the socially irresponsible... but can't . The joys of a full time pressured job are just so mundane that I struggle even to get junk miles in at the moment

Johnny Sprocket said...

Jared Leto.. ?! WTF?!!!!

That's it man, game over man, game over!!

Johnny Sprocket said...

Last week I tried to see how far I could ride with a pedestrian wearing an iPod stuck to my headtube!

Those fuckers just step out.. no idea!

Schlomo Campystein said...

A mohel girl? A girl mohel? Ach! Ask Samson now how all that worked with that Delilah of his. Not so good I think not so good. Have a cigar, Mr. Freud? That's what I am saying to you.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Jared Leto? You don't say. Jared from Subway has that exact same bike.

Anonymous said...

Bad Lawyer: Merkin? Archive the 11/19/07 post.

bikesgonewild said...

...btw, mr pandy...

...s'been a long time, dude...howdy...

Cognorant said...

Helen,

As per the previous days discussion regarding interaction with LBS mechanics.

I enjoy all the privileges of education, middle class & being male. For the most part I'm also mechanically inclined. I regularly design & fabricate machinery & other complexities from the ground up.

I'm willing to bet that you'd have to go a long, long way to achieve the levels of embarrassment that I've reached in front of bike shop staff. I'm not trying to diminish anything you've experienced as a woman but just try walking in the shoes of a bonehead like me for a while.

Andy Pandy said...

Greeetings back to you Master BGW esp, trust you have been behaving yourself in a manner that we have been accustomed to

bikesgonewild said...

...for good or bad, mr pandy, for good or bad but i do seem to have a certain consistency, huh ???...

...& you've gotta be starting to flourish as spring comes to the land of oz...

...here in nor-cal, we're reluctantly beginning to "batten down the hatches", as it were...

wishiwasmerckx said...

100th!

Klaus Mohn said...

That leaf power meter looks unacceptable to me. I'm holding out for the Mavic version, made of the finest French crabone. The leaf keeps its integrity.

the_boy_who_loves_pasta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
the_boy_who_loves_pasta said...

NEWSFLASH: FOFONOV is BACK!

Looks like the new management of Astana have realised just how much we need a good Fofonov and have signed him on as the replacement for that guy that wouldn't wear the same helmet and socks as the rest of the team.

News story in Russian here

Michael said...

In this case, the ugly truth is that people are grossly self-important, and that for many people your life is not worth the effort it takes to pay attention or the extra few seconds they may need to wait before they can safely get around you.

I chased one of these dimwits and caught her exiting her car. At a threatening pace my bike was aimed directly at her. Our eyes locked. I stopped at the last possible moment and said, "How does it feel to be scared?" She replied too calmly, "I didn't see you." Yeah? Then why didn't she ask, "What are you talking about?"

sufferist said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
d. fofonov said...

Майкл Шар and I are most proximal.

Anonymous said...

got some time to kill?

wtf??!! why do people post this shit?

http://prollyisnotprobably.com/2009/10/flat_fix_cm3.php

Brad said...

weird style diktats: now available regardless of genitalway

Anonymous said...

Is Mr. Leto covering Killing Joke on his new hit single?

Salty Seattle said...

[Visualizing Jared Leto pole dancing to Killing Joke--Dude, my mind is a weird place sometimes..even to me.]

So, I confess that yesterday's post reminded me that I kinda find Mr. Leto dreamy, in a George Michael kind of way. Then on my way home last night, I heard that new song by 30 seconds to Mars, and it made me want to punch him in the face. And then nail him. And then punch him in the face again.

He's definitely not from Seattle.

Anonymous said...

Mmmmmm.......Jared Leto....

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