Wednesday, October 14, 2009

High Times: Suspending Bikes and Disbelief

If you're one of those compulsive people who feels the need to label everything, then today is Wednesday. And if you're one of those people who tends to spend Wednesday under the influence of the "Wednesday Weed," you might find things seem even more peculiar than usual today. Even if you're not, the weight of the work week is always heaviest in the middle, and this weight can sometimes alter your perception. For example, you might notice strange people aiming telescopes into shrubbery:


Or, you might encounter a typical normal-sized New York City food delivery bike:


Only to round the corner and encounter a distressing miniature food delivery bike as well:



Most disorienting, you might start seeing double. This happened to me some time ago, when I encountered what appeared to be two riders, identically clad in pink shirts and green trousers. It so happens that, when I went to take a photograph, I accidentally set my camera to video mode, and what follows is an actual (though brief, since I didn't realize I was filming and instead thought something was wrong with my camera) movie of this mind-bending encounter:



I would have followed them, but I'm relatively certain that they headed into the Holland Tunnel and there was absolutely no way my fragile psyche could have handled the "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"-esque phantasmagoria which no doubt ensued. Instead, I simply pocketed my camera, rubbed my eyes, and set out in search of a "freak-out tent" like they had at Woodstock. If New York City were truly bike-friendly there would be a "freak-out tent" at least every ten blocks, and they would be staffed by preternaturally calm and lushly-bearded randonneur types who would gently talk you down after distressing encounters such as this. Unfortunately, despite all the lime green bike lanes New York City is not quite that bike-friendly, and there were no "freak-out tents" to be found. However, there were plenty of Starbucks, so I purchased a Venti White Chocolate Mocha and poured it over my head in the hope that it would restore my senses.

If you're a "responsible" cyclist, I know what you're thinking: "Well, at least your hallucinations were wearing helmets." Indeed, when it comes to cycling and the Internet the helmet debate has been responsible for more irritating, pointless, and overwrought threads than the sewing machine operators at the Rapha factory. Clearly a helmet will protect your head more than not wearing a helmet (unless you regularly wear a shellacked Afro), but clearly also a helmet will not protect the rest of your body or serve as a substitute for smart riding. As I've said before, the helmet is less a panacea than it is a "safety kippah" which indicates that you worship at the Synagogue of Safety. Furthermore, just like the absence of a kippah doesn't necessarily mean someone's not Jewish, the absence of a helmet doesn't necessarily mean someone's not safe. In any case, I mention helmets not only because my hallucinations were wearing them, but also because on Monday I commented on the subject of women and cycling, which prompted one reader to forward me his documentary of a woman who is fighting the mandatory helmet law in Australia:



According to the video, when helmet use became mandatory in 1990 bicycle use (at least in the oddly-named places in the film) dropped faster than a dead wombat from a eucalyptus tree. The filmmaker has also made a second video. Not only does it include this thrilling low-speed encounter between a bicycle and a motorcycle:

But it also makes the point that, whereas Australian cyclists have not necessarily benefitted from helmet laws, people in Europe who don't wear helmets remain happier and thinner and better-looking and generally superior to everyone else in the world (as any devotee "cycle chic" will happily tell you) because their governments put the safety all around cyclists in the form of a bicycle infrastructure instead of concentrating it in tiny pieces of styrofoam and forcing riders to put it on their heads. In this sense, the message mandatory helmet use sends to cyclists is, "Cycling is really dangerous, but your safety is your problem. Good luck!"

But while this filmmaker and his subject claim mandatory helmet use is discouraging cycling in Australia, closer to home (or at least to my home) some people are getting discouraged by their own bicycles. Here's one rider who is selling his fixed-gear because he's "not very good at riding" it:




Fixed gear mountain bike - $145 (Prospect Heights)
Date: 2009-10-11, 4:37PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Hello. I bought this fixie mountain bike, but I'm not very good at riding fixed gear, so I'm selling it. It is a Miyata Shredder mountain bike custom built into what you see below. It has a upside down road bars, quick release seat and front wheel and a cantilever front brake. Should fit someone 5'4" and taller. It rides well.


While I have mixed feelings about the fixed-gear trend, I would also suggest that this person not abandon the fixed-gear thing simply on the basis of his experience with this bicycle, since I really can't imagine anybody actually enjoying riding it. Between the gearing and the handlebar position riding it must feel like pushing a loaded grocery cart up the stairs. Swearing off fixed-gears because of this bicycle is like swearing off sex because the first time you did it you used a sweatsock instead of a condom. At the very least, I'd recommend he rotate the bars back down--that should restore some sensation.

Still, some people seem to enjoy making things difficult for themselves. Take this rider, who's looking for a fixed-gear cog:

Need a 17/18T fixed gear cog
Date: 2009-10-07, 9:10PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm looking for a 17 or 18 tooth fixed gear cog. I would prefer a 17T, though. Would like it in good or excellent condition, not willing to spend more than $30.

Thanks!


If he's willing to spend up to $30 on a fixed-gear cog, why doesn't he just go to any bike shop where he can easily purchase a brand-new one for less? Perhaps he can't resist the thrill of the Craigslist hunt, and the opportunity to exchange emails and mingle with authentic fixed-gear riders. I guess this is the same impulse that drove Hugh Grant to solicit oral sex from Divine Brown when he was living with Elizabeth Hurley. Some people just love to pay extra for things that have been used by strangers.

Another way that people like to make things difficult for themselves is by employing the "Hipster High-Lock" bicycle parking technique. Here is yet another example, complete with adjacent café racer-style moped:

Clearly, hipster mopeds are encroaching upon the fixed-gear bicycle's territory and forcing them to seek new habitats just like the early tree-dwelling vertebrates once did. (Either that, or pre-ride bottom bracket inspection is the new elephant trunk skid.) Here's another scene in which a brace of bull hipster mopeds are taking over a bicycle's grazing area:

Unfortunately, this is only going to get worse. In France, where mopeds are as common as berets and suitcases of courage, a reader informs me that the "Hipster High-Lock" has become more baroque than a 17th century courtesan's underpants:


Sure, American hipsters' bikes may be slightly out of reach, but they can still get to them without gondolas.

108 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium!

kale said...

Yawn...

Anonymous said...

Is leaving something in someone's gondola akin to flowerboxing?

landis in 06 said...

ha

Cranky Mule said...

Sweet Jesus!!!

Anonymous said...

yaah

Salty Seattle said...

The breakaway, stayed away!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

BLAZE UP!

Anonymous said...

Top 10!!!!

Udder said...

I just returned from Germany, France and England and there was nary a hipster to be found or anyone riding a bike trying to be “special.” Just normal people riding sensible bikes (mostly aluminum hybrids with gears and brakes), not “Dutch City Bikes” or fixed or single gear track bikes. I don’t recall a single set of sawed-off handlebars or white rims or tires.

Since we often take our fashion and popular culture cues from Europe, this may mean the real demise of silly cycling.

Salty Seattle said...

Crap! missed the line in my pre-podium celebration..

WillC said...

top 10?

Test Tickle said...

I love hairy balls.

Seanywonton said...

Lucky # 14?

mikeweb said...

Suck my helmet!

Asterisk said...

computer froze

hillbilly said...

A sweatsock is wrong because......?

Michael "Loose Cannon" Ball said...

I'm gonna find the bastard that stole my Pom-Aide, and he's gonna to wish he had never stepped near that lime green Escalade.

Senior Bicicleta said...

WWW.MEXICANCAFERACER.COM!!!
WWW.MEXICANCAFERACER.COM!!!
WWW.MEXICANCAFERACER.COM!!!
Check it out...

belmont sledgehammer said...

Man, we need more BSNYC curated videos. That was the funniest freaking thing I've seen in a while.

Reed Enwright said...

HUMP DAZE

Reed Enwright said...

GOOD LUCK

Seanywonton said...

Ah Oui, comme j'aime raclette fondue.

Reed Enwright said...

HLMT HEAD

Test Tickle said...

damn, you're on fire today, man! the Wednesday Weed really treats you well, BS. i can't write a thing after a little toke. hell, i can't even get through reading a paragraph without having to re-read it numerous times to decipher what it means...

thanks for the comedy.

balls.

grog said...

Roger the Shrubber!

Anonymous said...

- LOSE BALS -

amigosito said...

More anti-helmet propaganda from the bike industry, did Copenhagen-ahole-ize film that crap? Try riding through midtown San Francisco during rush hour without a helmet...I've got your "infrastructure" right here in my pant. All you retard eurotrash cyclechics can eat my balls and start pedaling faster than I walk while sharing the road with angry commuters who are sipping lattes and texting about how they are about to run you over.

Anonymous said...

Shit... first time in top 30.. getting slowly

Anonymous said...

Those dudes may have been Andrew Andrew, two dudes who always dress exactly alike.

Asterisk said...

BSNYC,

In a blog entry about safety, I was impressed at how you safely filmed the Doppelganger video while in the middle of an avenue. Was your camera attached to your safety kippah and activated by some hands-free mechanism?

Just curious...

Seriously, another great one.


*

youaretheengine said...

NONP LUSD

Anonymous said...

have :53 seconds you don't care about never getting back?

why do people post this shit??!!

http://prollyisnotprobably.com/2009/10/flat_fix_cm3.php

Anonymous said...

All You Hipsters Smoke My Bong

BadBeard said...

Udder - you should have gone to North East London, it's full of fannys posing on bikes.

Nowaynear1st!

Anonymous said...

31st sucka!

leroy said...

Dear sir:

Please note my disapproval, in the strongest possible terms, of your shocking -- yes, shocking! -- misuse of a hapless Starbuck's Venti White Chocolate Mocha.

Good Lord man, are you not aware that less fortunate NYC cyclists are in desperate need of hot beverages this very morning?

Should you wish to apologize, I'll be in my tent.

Until then, good day to you sir.

Harrumph!

rezado said...

I'm freakin out man

ant1 said...

Snobby -

"Indeed, when it comes to cycling and the Internet the helmet debate has been responsible for more irritating, pointless, and overwrought threads than the sewing machine operators at the Rapha factory."

Apparently, whatever hallucinogens you're on must be performance enhancing. you've been on fire lately.

ant1 said...

regarding the fixie mtn bike: 5'4" or taller. sweet, i'm 6'1", that bike would be perfect for me.

kale said...

Orange wedges, menthol cigarettes, and massages STAT!

Anonymous said...

$<30 COGG

Anonymous said...

right off the bat, a most apropos
post for today. expected and most
appreciated!

Anonymous said...

Dave's not here.

LukeWratten said...

We breed good race horses in Scone

Astroluc said...


Is it raining? Is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing,
So the danger must be growing.
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly reaper mowing?
Yes, the danger must be growing,
For the rowers keep on rowing,
And they're certainly not showing,
Any signs that they are slowing!

Anonymous said...

Wombats don't live in trees.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:52pm,

Oh. Well that must be why he died.

--RTMS

Mad Jack McMad said...

People in Europe are happier, thinner, better looking and generally superior to Australians, but I think that helmet laws are only tangentially involved.

Anonymous said...

in Russia, trees live in wombats!

Todd said...

I love that there's a wine bottle in the cage on that french high-locked bike...who needs sports drinks when you can have your favorite cabernet?

mikeweb said...

Lots of mention here lately of things and happenings from down under.

Oh yeah, and a lot about stuff going on in Australia too.

jolene said...

red tolt me to get a job becuause the repression was getin harder so i found this place where you jes take a nap and they pays you while this squirrel runs around and fights with the natzis on the fense i tolt them that and they was all like what you say heres a coopan to get you some pizza hut and a 2 leeter of pepsi in themeantime i hert that ricky was lookin fer some pizza so i was all hey ricky get yor ass over here before they give away all the pizza to the natzi rodents hell but then i still got my front wheel all sideways in this culvert on the shortcut threw to the spot where he was at and pizza and pepsi went flying everware by howdy then i showed up all empty handed but the hole time red was jokin

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Jolene, the freak out tent is right over here. They have what you need.

kfg said...

I only do it to show off the curation on my gondola

Udder said...

BadBeard-

Sorry to hear that. We were in Kensington, Hammersmith and the Cotswolds. Real riders on real bikes.

Strayhorn said...

I'm surprised that none of the curators in DC have sent this item along to point out American contributions to cycling culture (or is that kulture?).

Crispin said...

would love to see some dutchies in place of the godawful kmart hybrids round my way. no-one even knows hat a fixie is in my hood :(

red neckerson said...

jolene i love that bitch

id marry her if i wasnt already getting it for free

Anonymous said...

WOMBAT =
Waste
Of
Money
Brains
And
Time

(Fancy meeting you here!)

Reed Enwright said...

Try riding through midtown San Francisco during rush hour without a helmet...

WTF?

Does it rain fire and brimstone during rush hour ... or does your head pinball back and forth between the cars?!?!?!?

What am I missing here?

Bad Lawyer said...

"I guess this is the same impulse that drove Hugh Grant to solicit oral sex from Divine Brown when he was living with Elizabeth Hurley. Some people just love to pay extra for things that have been used by strangers."

...or something you can get for free. How's free? I mean not that Hugh Grant was getting oral sex from Elizabeth Hurley for free, but then again we can mull that over. But the more interesting issue is--was he using protection, a helmet so to speak. Hmmmmmm, let's ponder.

Trop Mal said...

J'adore raclette fondue!

Anonymous said...

Chill out Tent by The Hold Steady.
Rocks.

Salty Seattle said...

Bad Lawyer-

Well, he does sport the hard-shell coiff, doesn't he?

Anonymous said...

Strayhorn, we will continue to shoot one bicyclist a day until our demands are met.

Fierce Panties said...

I stared into the ajna chakra of the o.g. nonplussitude.

Bad Lawyer said...

From Auckland, NZ http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10599817 --not that a helmet would have helped these cyclists.

'Thought Snobby would find the following report of witnesses interesting; from the news article:

Cyclists who were with the injured men described the scene as "absolute carnage."

"All you could hear was the sound of carbon and bodies falling everywhere ... they were crashing all over the place," said Max Horley, who was riding behind the injured men.

Cyclist Maryanne Bawden described: "Bits flying, the noise, and then my friends lying on the ground."
_________________

g said...

Maybe they were color-blind mormons on their little wander year?

g said...

the dopple-gangers, not the Australian cyclists in the comment above mine.

landis in 06 said...

where is Commie Canuck when we need him to help with this damn helmet debate, let alone the woman debacle that was encountered the other day..........

kfg said...

"--not that a helmet would have helped these cyclists."

BL: As helmets are mandatory in NZ and the article did not state that the seriously injured rider wasn't wearing one, it is a reasonable presumption that he was - and that it didn't help.

Maybe if the car had been wearing a sweat sock things might have turned out differently; or maybe if the driver had been suppressed in one ( see Alice and The Trial).

eric said...

jolene that was pretty awesome... a squirrel lives in my ceiling and scampers to & fro when i'm resting, please send the nazis to dispatch him

Fred said...

My faithful Bell Tourlite is much more than safety equipment, it is a badge of honor, my heraldic crest of Fred-dom. My frequent flop-sweats have curated a rich, full odor while numerous inexplicable, unwarranted falls have formed a patina of gouges on its plastic shell.

I would wear it proudly while pedaling my recumbent about Copenhagen, aggressively passing blonde women with baskets full of sensible, nutritious groceries.

Coggy said...

That was me who posted that cog ad on craigslist... I said under $30 so that anyone trying to give me some retarded price like all of the other shit on craigslist wouldn't ask for a ridiculously high price. Also, I said that price because I assumed that someone would have a NEW cog lying around that I could get for a cheaper price...

Klaus Mohn said...

Reed: I guess off-duty SF Code Pink activists punch you in the face if you don't have the proper helmetway. Amigosito, jealous much of the amaaaaaaaaaazing environment we have in Europe for riding around? Can I call you Lance Armstrong and make fun of you for wearing spandex, just to piss you off?

The comments section for the latest Spokes article on City Room is fucking retarded. Everybody just BEGS David Byrne to wear a helmet, while calling him an idiot. Well if he's an idiot, why do you care so much that he's exercising his judgment and not wearing a helmet?
TLKN HEDS

Anonymous said...

coggy, your attempts at pre-screening the returded shit on c-list is not gonna work...do you want to buy my $1 acura?

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with the Aussies! Why can't they see that mandatory helmet use is a gross invasion of personal freedom. You have people willing to spend thousands of dollars maintaining an appearance to the world (every normal person is narcissist about their appearance). Mandatory helmets while riding a bicycle is the equivalent of a society collectively saying "Fuck you!". All that time and money you spend trying to look presentable...well "Fuck you!" Helmet hair is what you will have if you want to ride a bike. Personally, I've ridden at least 50,000 miles on the road and the only time I have gone down is when a stoned pedestrian ran in front of me while doing 25mph(what can you do?) I simulated superman with a twist and bumped my head...I have bumped my head harder while transitioning to an erect stature. Wearing a helmet doesn't make riding a bicycle any safer for people who are competent and know that one's level of safety is determined by one's level of awareness to the surrounding environment. Some people are clueless and they will be a danger to themselves and others(predicting the actions of clueless persons is the cornerstone of staying safe operating a motor vehicle and staying alive when on a bicycle...helmets won't be a significant factor in surviving most car/bicycle collisions)no matter what they are doing. Do I wear a helmet? that depends on what I am planning to experience. I wouldn't ride ten feet on a mountain bike while off road. Doing a ride that has high speed descents or while riding with others...99% of the time I feel safer with a helmet which translates to being more focused and therefore safer. I don't feel unsafe commuting to work because my experience and level of awareness to the environment is what keeps me safe and just putting a helmet on doesn't make up for the 99% of staying safe that awareness is responsible for.
Australians should understand that "Shit Happens!" and giving up personal freedom and allowing society to force individuals to alter their appearance is equivalent to saying "Fuck you!" if you want to ride a bicycle.

Anonymous said...

"Shit Happens!"

There oughta be a law.

Fred said...

Things more interesting than a pro/anti helmet rant:

1. lint
2. toilet training stories
3. dental hygiene
4. software license agreements
...

Anonymous said...

don't you just love people who think they are being safety conscious and that means they are smart and everyone should be smart like them they define smart to be refraining from any action(s) the know to be unsafe. These twats feel that no one should be exposed to something that might kill or maim and if laws can be made to prevent dangerous objects from being created and sold for a profit, then you have this persons vote when it comes to enacting legislation and outlawing possibly unsafe commercial products. These are the same people who would outlaw water if they didn't know it was water but they were told it is possible for someone to die if they happen to drink to much

Anonymous said...

Now let's get back to the fundamenal flaw in Snob's post....wombats live on and under the ground. Unless they learn some high rope skills they will never get up a tree.

Jakub said...

Considering the vertical dropouts, that fixie mountain bike is worth every penny!

Anonymous said...

Back to the Auckland accident. The witness says she heard the sound of carbon (and bodies) falling all around! Describe that sound without referring to r-sys wheels.

Fred said...

Things more enjoyable than a "nanny-state" rant:

1. sinus infections
2. shingles
3. Blackwater's "homosocial bonding" fests
4. Cialis TV ads

...

Andy Pandy said...

Wombats live in holes in the ground , final. Drop bears are tree dwellers

Helmets not helminths said...

Ugh. I could not disagree with your helmet bashing more. Why you persistently hate on helmets but champion other dorktastic utilitarian accessories (ahem, fenders) is beyond me.
Let me guess though, when you go out for a ride and get all kitted up- you wear one (probably mostly because cycling glasses look weird without one). But what exactly is the difference?
Having landed on my head more than once, having cracked one helmet, having four friends die, having two more with life long memory and speech problems from cycling-related head injuries, respectively- means I nearly always wear one.
And the way you rally against them by employing the obvious fact that helmets don't protect against all sorts of other bodily injuries is a boring joke at best and at worst an illogical argument. It's like arguing for never using condoms because they can't protect against contracting oral herpes while making out.
It's not a cone of smugness that endows me with invincibility and supreme safety self-righteousness, It's a shell that in the unlucky event my head hits the pavement, perhaps I wont be as hurt as maybe I would have without it.

ryan said...

if you're so charming why are you on your own tonight?

Hat, no hat, I don't care. said...

Do these dingdongs actually think anyone reads their silly "rants" posted here? I'm beginning to suspect head injuries among cyclists are far more commone than we thought.

kerry said...

g'day.
The reason why aussies want to pass laws to wear helmets, is we have socialized medicine. When some bogan in a 4 wdrive mows you down for the hell of it, I dont feel like paying for your 40 year life support while you drool in your depends.
Some of us prefer that taxes go to things like better bike paths, so I dont have to get run over by wankers.
Also, the singer from Kraftwerk, on one of his 230 Km daily rides - neglected his helmet. This one time.He got hit, and in coma for three days. He had a 25,000 bike. Guess what he asked about when he woke up.
My brother now cant drive, as he suffers seizures from getting a head injury , while being hit by a car( in cali - where he did not have a helmet and no laws.)

bikesgonewild said...

...fred...i'll take "lint' & 'sinus infections', please & thank you very much...ohhh, & why not the cialis...hear it works for, you know OR cycling...

...& now that we know where wombats live & don't live, let's discuss what actually does live in those aforementioned eucalyptus trees...
...that would be the "lovely" koala, he who gets his "buzz on" from chewing those oily mentholated leaves...
...& like cadel, he gets a little bitchy when he doesn't get his fix...

...next up for oz...helmeted koalas..."they're so cute, yer honor but they just keep falling out of the gum trees"...

...that's it then, by god...can't have these ruddy little buggers falling out of the trees & landing on their 'eads, mate...time to legislate"
...

Anonymous said...

Drrropppp Beeeaaaaarrrrrssssss.................aaaahhhhh, Got to love them.

Bogans don't drive 4WDs, they drive utes, kingswood station wagons, Foulcons, Bommadores and anything made before 1984. Their sons drive WRXs and Japanese grey-imports, their daughters Hyundai Excels with frangipani stickers obscuring the back window. When they eventually lose their licence for doing 80 in a school zone or blowing 0.24 on the way home from the Leagues Club they all end up on a dual suspension K-mart Dunlop or Huffy with the seat too low, forks back to front and weighing the same as a small motorbike. Because you have to have to wear a helmet, the're will be a vintage chunk of styrofoam hanging off the handlebars that would be better of being used as a float for a crab-pot. And while you're watching out for the bogans driving their rust bombs or shaking your head as they creep along the footpath on their high tech double bouncer, as school kids dive out of their way and their obese powerwalking, lycra clad mums tell them to get off the footpath before driving off in their hyundai and screaming at another cyclist (you) to get off the road.

Whilst all this is going on, you are wiped out by the asian (there is no race card - white stereotypes are as abhorent as any other, it's just PC to laugh at them, so lets just make them all "observations")woman who can't see over the steering wheel of her Merecedes E-Class.

shmaltz herring said...

redrum

Bad Lawyer said...

Kerry said:

When some bogan in a 4 wdrive mows you down for the hell of it, I dont feel like paying for your 40 year life support while you drool in your depends.
Some of us prefer that taxes go to things like better bike paths, so I dont have to get run over by wankers.

I don't know, at this point "life support" is my retirement plan.

Udder said...

Coggy-

Did you used to run Lehman Brothers?

Anonymous said...

Why place Jeopardy in quotes?

Anonymous said...

I'm the seller of the miyata fixed gear. I have not yet sworn off fixed gear riding, though I'm still selling the bike. I'm going to try again on another bike I'm building. Also, I found the handlebar position to be one of the more comfortable parts of this bike because I favor a more upright riding position (I find most of my riding is done outside the tour de france). Also, Ant, at 6'1, this bike is in fact fine for, since MTB bike frame fitting is not the same as road bike. Ever seen a 63cm MTN bike frame?

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