Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Take a Seat: The Problem of Saddle Theft

In the past 24-ish hours, I've received a tremendous number of emails alerting me to the "dropping" of a new cycling-themed music video. It's already been posted on a number of blogs and websites, and seems to have gone what they call "virile" in Web parlance. The video is called "Performance" and features "MC SpandX," and just in case you haven't seen it yet I'm "embuttering" (that's Web parlance for "putting") it below:



Unlike that awful "Hugo and Treats" video this appears to be entirely satirical, and it's full of winking commentary. For example, while MC SpandX boasts about his superior fitness and expensive road bike and adopts the swagger of the "serious" roadie, he is in fact "palping" a triple crank and those pedals that are flat on one side and clipless on the other:

Moreover, they're bolted to a Tirreno frame which appears to still have the warning sticker affixed to the left chainstay:

And in perhaps his most knowing nod to "Classic Fred-dom," he's "curated" an ensemble which includes both half-shorts and the jersey of the Australian National Champion:

These are all clever touches (to say nothing of the fixed-gear rider's ultra-narrow bars and visible posterior crack) and I'd like very much to laugh at this video along with everyone else. However, as I watched I couldn't help thinking something was amiss. First of all, the inexpensive Tirreno road bike is used interchangeably with a Dura Ace-equipped Cannondale in the same greenish colourway:

Moreover, the video is called "Performance," and Tirreno is a Performance Bicycle house brand. It seemed suspicious to me that MC SpandX kept switching between the Tirreno and the Cannondale with Dura Ace, as if he somehow wanted us to subconsciously equate the Tirreno with a more expensive bicycle. Also, pretty much everything else MC SpandX is "rocking" in the video can actually be purchased from Performance too--right down to the Forté crabon fork. And what about MC SpandX himself? Surely a rapper this talented would have "dropped" something before this, but consulting a popular internet search engine revealed no additional information about him--though I did discover an "MC Lycra" who makes a guest appearance along with Priya on Bindha Aujla's "Yaar Kure (Twerk It)." (Hugo and Treats really should think about remixing this one.) It's almost as though his persona is completely fabricated.

At this point I was pretty much convinced that what I was watching wasn't independently produced comedy that references Performance in jest, but is instead an insidious bit of "virile marketing" wrought by Performance itself. After all, this wouldn't be the first time they've done something creepy like this. Finally, I watched the video again in slow motion, and my worst fears were confirmed. This thing's lousy with subliminal messages like a recumbent rider's beard is lousy with donut crumbs. For shame, MC SpandX. Look at this fraction-of-a-second blip touting Performance's end-of-summer blowout:


Or this gratuitous insertion of some Nashbar coupon codes:


Or this bit of mail-order trash talk:

In fact, by the time the video was over I'd received an email confirming that I'd just bought 16 of those distressingly phallic Spin Doctor "chain" cleaners (seen in use here) and a single irregular Pearl Izumi lobster mitten, despite my having no recollection of ever placing the order.

In any case, since this video is already well on its way to phenomenonia, hopefully I've at least managed to break the spell and people can continue to watch and enjoy without also falling victim to Performance's twisted scheme.

Speaking of twisted schemes, there are nefarious people in New York City who endeavor to steal saddles, which means that if yours is the centerpiece of your groupo you may need to go so far as to lock it. Indeed, I recently encountered what very well may be the most securely locked saddle I've ever seen:

When you take more time and effort to lock your saddle than you do the rest of your bike it may be time to re-evaluate your component choice. I'm all for comfort, but not at the expense of efficiency and practicality, and between the heavy saddle and the Kryptonite chain this person is carrying around like 20 pounds just to rest his own ass. But while the bicycle is bloated in the posterior department it is withered and anemic elsewhere. Note the undernourished bars:

Yes, making your bicycle a rolling showcase for your saddle comes at a price, and that price is a saddle/lock combo that weighs as much as a triple-chainring Tirreno. However, you do get pride of place in the saddle hierarchy, and for some people that alone is worth it. Note how these riders have parked in right-to-left ascending seat-cachet order with the stock Pista saddle at the bottom, the vintage Italian saddle in the middle, and the classic leather at the top:


Of course, you don't need to carry around a giant Kryptonite lock solely for your saddle. You can also use two u-locks, as in this photo which was recently forwarded to me by a reader:

Yes, that's way more convenient.

Still, people love Brooks saddles--so much so that Brooks has "collabiated" with a wallpaper artist (because nothing says "cycling" like "wallpaper") to make this thing, which I saw recently on fixed-gear freestyle impresario and collabophile Prolly's blog:
Apparently the wrinkles are supposed to represent the topography of Alpe d'Huez, though they really just look like buttsweat-induced creases, and at first I glance I thought this one was pre-distressed from the factory. In fact, I recently stumbled upon this YouTube video of a Brooks saddle-distresser on her way home from work. Unfortunately, it seems certain fetishists have learned that Brooks saddle-distressers tend to possess certain physical attributes, and as such they've taken to loitering outside the factory with video cameras.

Here's some more Brooks love. This photograph from the Brooks site was taken moments before this couple was tragically crushed to death beneath the weight of their own loaded touring bikes:

On a quiet beach at night, nobody can hear you whimper--especially when your chest is compressed by 60lbs of pannier and the nose of your B17 is crushing your thorax.

Still, Brooks saddles certainly make more sense for touring than they do for urban riding. In the city, you're much better off going with something cheaper. However, there is such a thing as too cheap, as you can see from this photograph, also forwarded by a reader:


Sure, you may not need 20 pounds of lock:


But you do need a lot of electrical tape.

149 comments:

robert said...

HA! suckers

Anonymous said...

yep

Anonymous said...

Lance!

The Lovins said...

boom

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ringcycles said...

Podium with saddle sores! Riding like I stole it

Luck E. Seven said...

LUCK E. 7


.-

Anonymous said...

PWN

rezado said...

ORGN DETH

c murder said...

Ton Ten!

Hail Satan!

hillbilly said...

hilarious as always...stole my thunder though, I'm about to release my first video as p-rhymate, the rapping gorilla.

mikeweb said...

Sit on it Potsie!

Anonymous said...

butt sore

hillbilly said...

should probably be P-Rhyme8

mikeweb said...

Would that be "Viral" or "Virile"?

I'm Virile, but I'm not Viral - that I know of.

Philip said...

Ouch, splinters.

Anonymous said...

hey snob! you forgot to mention that the video was funny as hell!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:24pm,

I figured that would be self-evident.

--BSNYC

Kurt Vonnegut is King said...

"Virile" was a cool touch. "Wimper" was not.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Weighing in.

Kurt Vonnegut is King said...

Maybe I misread your intention, and it was a punctuation error instead of a spelling error.

"...nobody can hear you, wimper!"

mikeweb said...

So Peter McDonald is rapping now and has a deal with Performance catalogue?

kale said...

Thou shalt not mention the Secret Website!

slppy said...

brooks aren't that comfortable really, but whatev.. the sorry cardboard box full of saddles at the ancient rasta bike shop on union has some gems in it, and by gems i mean sorry ancient leather saddles, peerfect

Astroluc said...

His cardiovascular fitness may be up there with Lance, but what he fails to mention is that it is Lance Henrickson.

Astroluc said...

PDEM FODR

Luck E. Seven said...

PIMP ENVY

Wonder if I could turn out that Brooks saddle-distresser?

MEGA ASSD
9THW ONDR

Nothing slays like a topo map to the taintal zone. Are those gas channels or something?


.-

Anonymous said...

still rss free after all these years

Strayhorn said...

Wow, Nashbar actually sent you something? I thought that if you bought something off their website all you got was your financial account numbers sold to the Russian mob.

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

"tryin to look like a courier but it only makes you look girlier" It doesn't get any better than Beck droppin spandexed science.

Seriously, a would block and foam for a seat-

Hemo Roid

Mad Jack McMad said...

YAAR KURE


DETH PANL

Tsuru said...

Scooped BSNYC by nearly an hour! THAT'S a 1st for you.

HA!

Though, to his credit, his analysis was more thorough. Maybe too thorough? Am I even spelling "thorough" correct? It looks wrong...

Where am I?

bikesgonewild said...

...BUMM DOUT...

Tsuru said...

And I want that jersey... No idea why.

Brian said...

Crabon fork? Those things never run true.

Anonymous said...

That white helmet hanging is so very R. MUTT.

Chris said...

It's kind of sad that you have to scroll so far down in the comments before you get to ones that are actually talking about the article :/

That saddle at the end isn't too bad of an idea. I might make one like that the next time I'm board off my ass.....

Anonymous said...

This is Robin Moore's (MC Spandx) luckiest day, ever.

As of yesterday, that vid had 300± hits, max.
Now upwards on 16k.

You totally put this guy on the map.

Curious why he references a $5k ("five grand") bike?
Not that bike.
And, why a DuraAce rear derailleur w a 105 crank?
Go figure.

Salty Seattle said...

Oh no. Tell me you didn't, girlfriend.

I'll say it again, so you can get it right this time. Now listen up:

Riding the wood is LIKE riding a bicycle. LIKE!

Anonymous said...

Dont know Robin, and cant watch video from work, but I see unmistakable U Wash red color on the wall in the pic, as well as the Performance store next to campus in background of the other pic (Im a NYer, but was just in SEA last month at that spot). So, the connection to Performance isnt all that subliminal, though perhaps this is obvious from the video and BSNY is being purely sarcastic.

Anonymous said...

Aye sit on the bored of the national would saddle pwners ASSociation.

Nathan said...

That title "Performance" kind of bugged me. Thanks for stripping it down to it's persuasive advertising essence.

Salty Seattle said...

U Wash is purple. Sorry.

Shoot, now I'm going to have to watch the video! I usually skip anything PB.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck,

Thank you for embuttering the performance web site, I had no idea what I had been missing.
I need to buy me one of them new "path and pavement bikes".

Are you serious,"topography map from the Alpe d'Huez for the design", my ass must have the permanent markings of the Alpe d'Huez,

"On a quiet beach at night, nobody can hear you whimper".

I whimper when I think that somebody must come up with this crazy marketing shit, and what kind of dope buys it.

Seanywonton said...

ANKR WAIT

Fred said...

As I've said before, I think Snob's Fred taxonomy is incomplete. Wikipedia identifies two varieties of Classic Fred, while others argue for as many as five.

Of course, discussing the taxonomy of Freds is in itself pretty Fred-like behavior, which makes this post a brilliant piece of self-referential Post-Modernism.

FRED WIN!

(Sorry for all the marketing lingo.)

yogisurf said...

It’s all coming back to me now. I was at the bike shop deliberating between the Park and Spin Doctor chain cleaners. While grasping the Spin Doctor model something just felt wrong…..

Test Tickle said...

wait, what the hell is a "triple crank"?

are we including the guy's package/piece?

balls.

Fred said...

BTW, the correct Fred saddle is an Avocet Touring I from 1984 with a red Spenco gel pad on it.

Anonymous said...

Stumptown on the window in the video. Stumptown=Portland. They're throwing down the (Pearl Izumi/Assos/Rapha) gauntlet.

grog said...

Loved the viddy.
This is marketing genius.
Couldn't find the wood saddle in the Performance catalog. What's up with that?

Test Tickle said...

3:08 - Stumptown is also located in Seattle.

PS - IMO, 105 cranks are totally worthy, inexpensive and they last - although they don't come in a "triple crank" configuration.

balls.

Vance said...

"Still, people love Brooks saddles--so much so that Brooks has "collabiated"..."

Now Mr. Snob sir, are you sure this isn't supposed to be: collabia-palp-ted ??

Salty Seattle said...

Testy-

Yup, I caught the Stumptown window, too. There was a later reference to SE 35th Ave, and a tree by the store alley, rather than a health club and a Trader Joes.

I'll agree that this is Portland.

Anonymous said...

So pathetic the bike world. 19000 views viral. come on. how many people own a bike? This video is designed by inbreds for consumption by inbreds.

Anonymous said...

Check out the license plates along the road in his video. Confirming an Oregon (Portland) connection. Another denizen with too much time on his hands.

mr.complaint said...

So, does that mean that the final saddle is at the top of your "ascending seat-cachet order"?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, the whole thing takes place in Portland. Mt. Tabor, Hawthorne, Belmont, Downtown (right outside the Stumptown), etc. It's all Portland.

mikeweb said...

More info on the MC SpandX video here.

Yes, they name names.

Colorado Cyclist said...

No, FUCK YOU!

mikeweb said...

One of the comments from the BikePortland site:

"This is like a BikeSnob NYC column set to music and exactly what our community needs and is sorely lacking: a self-deprecating sense of humor."

Aren't all the theme rides self deprecating enough?

Fred said...

Definitely Portland (Bagdad theatre around 0:33). I'm sure I've been dropped by that guy at some point. Probably by the fixie rider too...

Anonymous said...

That was like watching my mom rap.
(she doesn't rap very well)

Yo said...

You guys just don't get the message, like this is subversive left wing anti-globalzation art. The fixie rider's crack shows the division between affluent end poverty stricken in a unbalanced distribution of riches. If you zoom in on the crack there is a tatoo there, an "A" in a circle.

Anonymous said...

Interesting discussion of the video Mr. Snob, but it seems its most salient aspect, an area truly worthy of discussion, was completely overlooked!

Backup pumpers: look to the far right -- that's Pump Girl #1! Ah, the wisdom she imparts with each stroke!

-p said...

That guy looks like someone who did a 'Pop Your Collar' rap posted on Youtube to make fun of individuals who put their polo shirt collars up.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNgzKlKPhJY

Cramps said...

Hah! They nailed the hipsters AND the Roadies...But at the core, Mr Snob, authenticity isn't about stuff...that's what hipsters don't get.

Anonymous said...

Good point, backup pumpers, with extra gyration, i wonder if they cater to canadians or only australians?

Anonymous said...

i'm the owner of the grey bike with the big lovk: let me pricise that i dont carry anything when i ride but i live those two locks right under where i work (that building) so i'm not so stupid to rie with extra 20lb...

btw the brooks are cool because they ar ebetter not becuase we are hipster.. if brooks is successful there ia a reson...and that's for any company as well for campangolo parts... that's it..

speedwobble said...

i know i'm late to the party, but yeah, that's portland, or alright. you can see the bagdad on hawthorne in the background and he's riding up mt tabor too. it's all southeast. the stumptown coffee shop in on belmont. i would bet a triple crank on it. that is my "hood".

speedwobble said...

sorry for the repeats. i was out on my crabon fibre' rubbing a ride in madison, wisconsin. i didn't read the comments first. i feel like such a rookie.

bikesgonepsychotic said...

...don't smoke in my toilet...and I won't pee in your ashtray...

...MCspandex is Al Franken and Sarah Palin's love child...

Bush was behind 9/11 and Katrina...dissent used to be patriotic...now it's the mark of a Nazi...Death Panels will be manned by right wing death squads...

...have a nice day and fuck you...just sayin'...

Bikopelli said...

Does anyone else think Bike Snob NYC = MC Spandx??? Think about it.

mikey said...

This thing's lousy with subliminal messages like a recumbent rider's beard is lousy with donut crumbs.

Papa Hemingway would be proud of you.

Asa said...

I think you mean larynx. The thorax is an insect part.

Asa said...

Oops, never mind. We've got thorax's too!

Salty Seattle said...

Thank you!

It was on the tip of my keyboard: Mt Tabor.

I was brought there by my Road Cyclists' Anonymous sponsor, so I could see the Crit Mecca of Portland. There's a sign up there that actually advises bikes to slow down, too, for some reason.

Ahh, Portland..

TheTye said...

So, you are saying Brooks are over-rated? Trendy? or just too shnazzy looking to be left out in the open? My taint thanks me for my Brooks saddles on every ride...

ZWT said...

Cancellara must be hard up for some cash. when did he start rollin fixies?

leroy said...

Oh sure Portland, Portland, Portland.

Well we have a Stumptown Coffee in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn.

So there.

But what I don't get about that video is why he says a steel frame is like Angkor Wat.

ringcycles said...

Not to out fred Fred, but BSNYC has identified a sixth type, the Nu-Fred. Sort of a hybrid hipster Neo-Fred. All serious about the right fixie, skinny jeans, messenger bag, and colorways when its been riding for all of 3 weeks. I don't see many of them up in the sticks. Or I just don'tsee them from squinting through the cigarette smoke haze outside the coffee shop.

dustinsandwich said...

Yeah, i saw them filming this on hawthorne, and later some of them were hanging out at monday funday.
i hadn't seen the camera, and i said to my brother as we passed, "man, fixie kids handlebars are getting just plain fucking rediculous."

pirrkodiva said...

Methinks

pirrkodiva said...

Rather, methinks Snob might have a thing for ladies with some junk in the trunk. Brooks saddle-distressor, the lady with the heavy bottom bracket from a previous post...Athena with an as$ :-)

curmudgeon said...

monday funday? oh dear....

Casey said...

that final picture... I can't stop laughing. Phew. Thank you for posting that. I haven't that hard in a while. :)

c_c_rider said...

those girls can pump up my tires anytime.

Anonymous said...

This video is interesting, as it puts a precise number on a particular type of Dick (or Richard if you will). It has also brought up all the commenters. Any company engaging in targeted subversive marketing such as ours, now has the user names of a ton of youtube wallies.

Anonymous said...

leroy, if a coffee shop that calls itself "cafe pedlar" why wold you assume it's "stumptown coffee"? there is no stumptown coffee shop in cobble hill. that place is owned by the frankies, notice all the 457 olive oil?

AngryBikeWrench said...

Pissed off and greasy. Angry Bike Wrench.

leroy said...

Anon 7:39-

ooops. my bad.

I confused it with Portland because you can get Stumptown coffee from elaborately pierced and inked folks.

kale said...

I have a buddy that works at the notorious $12 burger place right outside the Metro/Lorimer stop. They used to serve Stumptown. He told me that when they decided to serve it a cabal of horn-rimmed baristas descended upon them with their demands prior to allowing them to peddle their precious coffee. Now, I'll admit I'm from Oregon, and Stumptown's OK, but for fucks sake it's just coffee. He told me that they made the restaurant do all this crazy wasteful BS to "ensure the integrity of the Bean". I dunno, it makes them sound like a moldy fascist caffeine regime.

Not to mention I can't find their beans for less than $25/lb! Now I just mail order better beans from a secret place in Oregon that ships me OG/FT 5 lb bags for $20, without the snobby backtalk.

Anonymous said...

Angrybike......we get it. enough.

mikeweb said...

I get my beans in Red Hook. It's a not so secret place in an old warehouse.

The only back talk I get is something like "this one has a bold taste with a nutty finish". Nutty finish? Uhhh, we're still talking about coffee, right?

hillbilly said...

sounds like what LeNell's used to tell me about some of their scotches....mmmm scotch, mmmm coffee....

kale said...

One Scottish Coffee coming right up!

mikeweb said...

Make mine an iced Scotch n' coffee.

Less alcohol lost through evaporation...

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 11:34

It's haters like you that give this comments board a bad rep. I support angry etc and his Communist quest for free advertising...not.

Salty Seattle said...

Coffee?

I thought Stumptown was all about hot, hippie chicks.

Salty Seattle said...

100!

frilly said...

What's wrong with a little junk in the trunk?

grog said...

I was beaned by the moldy fascist caffeine regime, and the junk in the trunk just shrunk.

Wes said...

Frilly

Nuttin'.

The Finnish said...

Who are you calling nutty?

Elaine said...

It's a little unusual to see a saddle locked to the seatstays on a different bike.

Rex H said...

This video is great. It pokes fun at both types of riders (maybe more of the hipster) and is even better the more you know about cycling.

It's quite creative and, for what seems like a low budget, was done very well.

Heidi said...

How many U-locks does this need?

http://thereifixedit.com/2009/08/13/epic-kludge-photo-pop-a-wheelie/

noomninam said...

Correct me if I'm wrong, but unless you were twisting the word for effect, I believe you meant "viral," as in spreading like a virus, rather than "virile," as in oh so manly. Not a typo, as you use the word twice.

Anonymous said...

Dude, get a LIFE!

AdMaster said...

"Viral", as in virus.

"Virile" means masculine.

As they say in English parlance.

AdMaster said...

But, seriously, spelling errors notwithstanding, you did a killer job of breaking down this video.

Amazing!!

Anonymous said...

will all of these stolen saddles wind up in leadville for the leadville 100?

Carissa said...

It's my neighborhood (in Portland) hooray! My coworker sent this saying some of her friends had made it, that seems legit and not a secretly sponsored video.

Kale, Stumptown is $12 for 3/4lb bag, $25 is on the list but it's at the higher end. Most are $12-$17.

They got the neon colored glasses and greasy mullet hair exactly right.

Anonymous said...

Now this is performance:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b36Yi-Pb1wM

Laurie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laurie said...

You missed another flaw in the video, demonstrating that the rapper isn't a true performance cyclist. He's using "LOOB" to oil his bike, not "LUBE." So, uh, dude? You're taking the video too literally. He's making fun of performance cyclists. Bike snobs.

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