Of Mankinis and Men: Nuts on Display

Since yesterday's post, I have to admit that I'm still haunted by the Greg LeMond video. While the main thing that bothered me about it was LeMond's lack of coherence, I also felt that there was something genuinely scary lurking beneath the befuddlement. However, it wasn't until the end of the video that I finally realized what it was. Just before LeMond finishes up, he takes one last question, which is essentially: Will Lance Armstrong ever confess? For the first time in 50 minutes, LeMond gives a concise answer: "Him? No way! Absolutely not, he has no conscience."

Honestly, this statement freaked me out a little bit. I mean, sure, you can make a pretty convincing case that Lance Armstrong doesn't have taste, but it's something else entirely to say he doesn't have a conscience. Basically, this means that he's evil, and that's a disturbing notion. For one thing, it's a big stretch to say that Lance Armstrong is an evil person who has somehow duped the world into believing in his humanity. I mean, we all saw him in "Dodgeball," and we know he can't act. More importantly though, once you start obsessing over what someone's doing in the shower and claiming that they're the mastermind behind some kind of insidious scheme you're not only giving them way too much credit, but you're also venturing into Mark David Chapman territory. When you give someone that much power over your life--whether it's John Lennon or J.D. Salinger or Lance Armstrong--they start to control it. And that's when things get ugly.

Yet at the same time, evil masterminds are oddly fascinating. Think about it--what if LeMond is right? What if Lance Armstrong actually has no conscience, and he really is evil? While once I might have laughed off the notion, I've recently discovered some video evidence which is causing me to reconsider:


First of all, it's obvious from this still that before dedicating himself to cycling Lance Armstrong was angling for a role in the blockbuster thriller "Weekend at Bernie's:"


But while he wore the floppy hairstyle, slack-jawed stare, and garishly patterned shirt with aplomb, he was ultimately no match for Andrew McCarthy:

So, denied access into the legendary "Brat Pack," Armstrong was instead forced to sink his deadly claws into the tender flesh of professional cycling. Of course, since he was (and still is) evil, he did so by any means necessary. And, yes, those "means" included certain unethical substances, such as day-glo helmets and mankinis:

To me, this is infinitely more damning than any of the anti-Armstrong evidence presented by Greg LeMond, Paul Kimmage, and David Wash combined. Not only that, but like any person completely devoid of conscience, Armstrong also lacks remorse. In fact, he's admitted in print that he's planning to once again don the "Mankini of Evil:"

Will you ever do the Ironman? You've got a lot of triathlon fans out their desperate for an answer.

Yeah. Whenever I'm done with this [comeback]. I can unequivocally say yes to that. That's a fact.

So what does this mean? Well, using the same process of deduction as the Mavic Engineering Team, I have deduced the following:

Fact: Lance Armstrong has worn a mankini.

Fact: Lance Armstrong intends to wear a mankini again.

Ergo: Greg LeMond is right and Lance Armstrong is evil.

Really, then, all that remains to be seen is whether Armstrong will don his old 80s "lucky mankini," or if he will instead commission something totally new, like this horrifying "bibkini" from Alexander McQueen:


Yes, it's painfully clear that we need some accountability in cyclesport. Fortunately, in addition to Greg LeMond, we also have grassroots anti-doping movements, like "Stolen Underground:"

"Stolen Underground" was begun by Matt DeCanio, a former professional cyclist who garnered attention some years back when he spoke frankly about drug use in the peloton. Well, since then, Matt DeCanio has taken his anti-drug message to the metaphorical streets by intruducing the "SU // P90X Pro Team:"

Yes, you read that right--by joining the SU // P90X Pro Team, you can "earn a 6 and 7 figure income." Sounds good to me. Already convinced, I clicked on the button which said, "Yes! I'd like to turn pro," and here's what I learned:

Iturnpro.com is seeking athletes to become paid professionals.

Have you ever dreamed of becoming a pro athlete? Are you tired of being stuck inside an office working like a slave? Are you tired of working too many hours, for too little pay? Are you feeling depressed, sick, tired, out of shape, and want a change in your life and some hope for a better future? Are you sick of wasting your best years away when you would could be outside, traveling, experiencing life, competing in your sport, and living your dreams?

If you answered "Yes" keep reading...

Would you like a new job and would you be interested representing a company that sells $300,000,000 in fitness products, and helping others achieve health, fitness, and happiness? Would you like to receive 3 months of free professional coaching in your sport to kick start your new career and to help you become a better athlete?

Does the economy have you down?

Would you like to soon be earning a 6 to 7 figure income and to be able to buy all the things you need for your life and your sport such as Oakleys, Felt bicycles, Zipp wheels, Shimano racing shoes, Continental racing tires, Giro helmets, Look pedals, and Garmin computers for just 15-20% over cost with no hassle?

Are you looking to be part of a world class team?

Would you like to join a team of world class athletes and Olympians who you could proudly call your friends and teammates? And are you looking to use their knowledge, inspiration, and support to become healthier, fitter, stronger, faster, and more powerful than you have ever been as an athlete before in your life?

Um, does Lance Armstrong wear a mankini? You bet I do! I was ready to join. But first, I figured I'd watch the video:


The video explained everything perfectly. Basically, when I joined the Stolen Underground anti-doping team, I'd be selling weight loss products. Fair enough--I was still game. But there was still the small matter of my start-up costs:

Initial business investment details

Coach Starter Package: $134.85 pack cost + $39.95 kit cost = $174.80 + tax and shipping Includes: Business Kit, Website, Club Membership, 30 Day Supply of Shakeology, 1 fitness program, 3 months of professional cycling coaching by Matt DeCanio with no set-up fee or contract ($99 a month should you continue after your initial free 90 day period), 15-20% over cost at our PRO SHOP, all racing uniforms at cost, workout calendar, and a nutrition plan. CALL 786-991-____ FOR MORE INFO OR FILL IN THE FORM BELOW!

Ultimate Coach Starter Package: $289.91 pack cost + $39.95 kit cost = $329.86 + tax and shipping Includes: Business Kit, Website, Club Membership, 30 Day Supply of Shakeology, 6 fitness programs, 3 accessories, 3 months of professional cycling coaching by Matt DeCanio with no set-up fee or contract ($99 a month should you continue after your initial free 90 day period), 15-20% over cost at our PRO SHOP, all racing uniforms at cost, workout calendar, and a nutrition plan. CALL 786-991-____ FOR MORE INFO OR FILL IN THE FORM BELOW.

At this point, you're probably thinking the same thing I was--which is that the Ultimate Coach Starter Package is a total no-brainer.

Still, I admit I was a bit disappointed to learn that Matt DeCanio's Stolen Underground movement is just an Amway-esque pyramid scheme. Actually, between this and LeMond's Armstrong obsession the anti-doping crusade is even scarier than doping itself. As such, on a certain level the implications of buying into LeMond's "no conscience" comment are creepier than a whole paceline of "Freds" in Discovery jerseys and LiveStrong bracelets riding Madones. Sure, there are some naive people out there, but sometimes paranoia is even more dangerous than naivete. Either way you're buying in, but in the end paranoia can be a lot more expensive.