Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Fundamental Disconnect: Technicolor Dreams, Monochromatic Reality

It can often seem as though life is conspiring against you. We've all experienced this feeling. The one day you leave your umbrella at home, it starts raining. The one time you ride without a spare tube, you get a flat. And the one time you post an ad in the Craigslist "casual encounters" section, cover your living room floor with Jell-O, and hold a naked tag-team wrestling tournament, your spouse or life partner comes home early from that business trip. Such was my own experience this morning on my commute, when I almost missed what very well have been the chance of a lifetime.

Some time ago, I wrote about an "NYPD Gentrification Strike Force," which would utilize trendy vehicles such as fixed-gears to chase down criminals who commit crimes in fashionable neighborhoods. Well, the embarrassing truth is, in my idle moments I myself have fantasized about being recruited by the NYPD as part of an elite undercover cycling unit. Like a hybrid of Gene Hackman in "The French Connection" and Kevin Bacon in "Quicksilver," I would move as stealthily through traffic as I do through New York City's seedy underground. (Or at least what remains of it.) Never mind that I'm not particularly fast, nor that I tend to get tongue-tied and perspiry around the criminal element. The reveries in which I indulge in my private moments need not correspond in any way with reality--the Jell-O stains on my carpet notwithstanding.

So you can imagine my excitement this morning when, during the course of my commute, I happened upon what appeared to be a high-speed NYPD bike cop pursuit:



Now, generally when I commute by bicycle I "rock" the Ironic Orange Julius Bike. However, it just so happens that this morning I was riding a bicycle that a company has sent me to "test." I won't reveal the make or model of the bicycle at this time, though rest assured I plan to share my thoughts and experiences in the not-too-distant future. Suffice to say though that this is a bicycle built primarily for comfort, with any considerations of speed dangling off the rear like a sprinter on a mountain stage.

Yes, life was conspiring against me indeed. The one time I go without my trusty IOJB I encounter a high-speed bicycle chase. Naturally, had I been better equipped, I would have immediately joined in the chase, and once the officers observed my "mad skillz" they'd be compelled to deputize me. Thus empowered, I'd chase down and wrangle the suspect with my chain lock, thus earning me various commendations, accolades, awards, rewards, tax breaks, diplomatic immunity, lucrative development contracts, the key to the city, and so forth. Instead, here I was on what was essentially a wheelbarrow with a chain drive.

But then I asked myself, "Would a hero give up so easily?" Of course not. Jimmy "Popeye" Doyle certainly wouldn't--he'd commandeer a Smart car, or a pedicab, or a skateboard, or an apple cart, or whatever it took. And Kevin Bacon wouldn't either--he didn't give up when he took a beating in the stock market, nor did he give up when Jami Gertz and Paul Rodriguez put their faith in him. So I tightened my grip on the handlebars of my wheelbarrow, put my head down, and joined the chase anyway.

Fortunately, as it happened, the cops were only going like 13mph, so I caught up with them almost immediately:



As you can see, the bike cop isn't obeying the red signal. As such, I figured I didn't need to worry about it either. I soon caught him, and within moments we were joined by two other officers:



I was only slightly disheartened when I got a closer look at the cop's t-shirt and saw that it read "NYPD School Safety." After all, chasing down truants hadn't exactly been part of my fantasy. Still, it was better than nothing--and mind you, some of these kids can be pretty tough characters. Maybe one of them had defaced a billboard, in which case my justice would be swift. I strongly believe it is the inalienable right of every Hollywood studio to advertise crappy films without suffering the indignity of having penises drawn on the actors' faces. Sandra Bullock deserves better than that.

So we continued to run lights, but like a budding roadie doing the group ride for the first time I stayed on the back since the cops hadn't yet formally invited me to join. Soon though we reached a major intersection. The two cops on the front rode right through, and they waved for the third cop to join them:



However, she was visibly winded, and she chose to stop:


I stopped as well, since it gave me an opportunity to check out the sweet cop bike setup. Note the suspension fork, seatpost, and knobby tires with slick center. This enables them to pursue suspects on pavement and on singletrack. Note also the standard police issue pie plate. I'm not sure what she's carrying on that rear rack, but I bet it's an entire nylon bag full of "whoopass."

Anyway, the light finally changed, and we caught up with the other officers. They were at a bank, though I didn't see any crime in progress:


I guess one of them just needed to use the ATM.

Regardless, that small taste of excitement was all I needed, and I began to imagine my own ultimate cop bike. It certainly wouldn't be a low-end mountain bike, nor would it be the test bike I was riding. Actually, it would probably just be my Ironic Orange Julius Bike, but with deadly lasers. After all, the IOJB is an extension of my lifestyle and personal tastes, rather than simply a piece of sporting equipment. It's also inspired by and designed for urban cycling, commuting, and city dwelling. Yet, amazingly, it's absolutely nothing like this Globe Roll, which is also apparently designed exactly this way:


See?



Globe is a "boutique" brand from Specialized. In addition to a philosopy, they also have a movie:



Obviously, the Globe name has been around for awhile, and obviously the Roll isn't the only Globe model, but it's interesting that Specialized is using a bike like this to officially launch a brand that will focus on urban cycling and commuting for the "progressively minded and the eco-conscious," since the scope of possible uses for the Roll is slightly broader than that of a unicycle. Really, they might as well have launched the brand with a time trial bike. Still, reaction to an $800 bike with no clearance and no braze-ons and an integrated stem/handlebar seems to be generally favorable:

Ultimately, the Roll represents a phenomeon I call the "fixed-gear inversion." At first, when fixed-gears started getting really popular people said, "At least more people are riding." Essentially, the idea was that the fixed-gear was sort of a "gateway drug" for new cyclists, and that once you got hooked you'd eventually explore what the rest of the cycling world had to offer. However, now that the trend is firmly established, the opposite is happening, and instead companies must flash a trendified ready-made fixie at the door in order to gain access to the cycling market. Moreover, companies must refer to these bikes as "urban" and tout their functionality in cities, despite the fact that color-coordinated brakeless fixed-gears are being ridden increasingly by younger people in the suburbs who do tricks on them in their cul-de-sacs.

The "fixed-gear inversion" even extends to color. First people used black tires. Then, they used white tires as a striking contrast to black tires. Then the bikes became colorful. Now, it's all about monochromatic bikes as a striking contrast to colorful bikes. Here's another monochromatic bike which was given sort of a "stealth rollout" on Fixedgeargallery by the manufacturer:


But you can only flip something over and over again so many times before it either burns or falls apart like an overcooked latke. Sure, minimalism can be fun, but eventually you've got to take it out of the pan and put some sour cream and applesauce on it. Or, I guess you can just top it with a Top Tube-Mounted Brake Lever (TTMBL) that's attached to nothing:



I wonder if that light fixture was installed using the same principle. No wonder it's on the floor.

125 comments:

walt said...

HEY

Anonymous said...

up there!

bkf

rezado said...

Oooooh my love, my darling
I've hungered for your touch
A long lonely time.

Test Tickle said...

balls

mikeweb said...

Top 10 Mankini!

Michael said...

Highest I've ever placed in the utterly moronic contest to comment as early as possible! (gosh, it's great to be unemployed.)

Luck E. Seven said...

SPOOKY!


A

ringcycles said...

Pulled a hammy, ouch!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Spirit Kazoo said...

top ten?

Anonymous said...

tri, tri again?

jon said...

As your photos show, Bike Cops are always the elite, the creme de la creme, the triatheletes of their departments.

I asked one of our locals about his bike once. Turns out there's about a 100% overcharge when they stencil "Police" on the frame. I guess it's a theft deterrence fee.

Perhaps I'll stencil "Mafia" on my frame.

Other Side of the GW said...

"And the one time you post an ad in the Craigslist "casual encounters" section, cover your living room floor with Jell-O, and hold a naked tag-team wrestling tournament, your spouse or life partner comes home early from that business trip. Such was my own experience this morning on my commute, when I almost missed what very well have been the chance of a lifetime."

You can do all that on a commute? Wow, that's raw talent, Snob.

hillbilly said...

"very Hollywood" - yes! I spotted the missing E!

wheelbarrow with a chain drive sounds a lot like a recumbent, please tell me it was, please!!

Anonymous said...

WTF, that monochromatic Origin-8 Del Pasado looks like a ghost bike.
Guess it's kinda like driving around in a hearse.

Anonymous said...

"... I'm not sure what she's carrying on that rear rack, but I bet it's an entire nylon bag full of "whoopass."..."

No, Snob, I think that's just "ass" not "whoopass". Shorty got junk in the trunk and needs a lil' mo' trunk if you get my drif'...

Anonymous said...

BOO-YA!

mikeweb said...

Anon 1:33 - Maybe someone saw a 'ghost bike' chained up in NYC on a trip here and thought "Gee, that's a great design. Let me rip it off!" without knowing what they're there for.

rezado said...

I think that one of those cops was Donald Faison. Maybe he is starring in a new hit comedy. You could have ruined his shot. You are lucky that it wasnt Christian Bale or he would have torn you a new one.

Are you test riding a dutch city bike?

I cant wait for that review.

Kelvin Mulcky said...

Regarding the School Safety officer's bike: not centering valve stems to labels - FAIL

Mad Jack McMad said...

Could be worse...

Boom Shanka.

ringcycles said...

The all white or near white pre-fab fixies maybe a way of the big bike company designers saying "don't be caught dead on this bike". Its a subtle but clear message to the cycling cognoscenti, one that would be undectable by corporate management or the public at large. A harbinger of the fixed gear apocalypse certainly.

mikeweb said...

Snobby, my 'post-apocalyptic' fantasy world would be a sort of "Mad Max"-ish time and place where the MFP rides around on time trial bikes, doped up on EPO and Toecutter and his gang ride around on fixed gears equiped with knife blade bar ends and wear studded bike gloves, doped up on PBRs.

The typical 'bike-mounted' police officer we typically see just doesn't fit into this fantasy world that well...

Anonymous said...

All You Haters Suck my cul-de-sac!

Pulverized Concepts said...

When the bike cops arrest you do they have to call a car or paddy wagon or do they make you ride your felon bike ahead of them or do they make you push your felon bike or do they make you walk or what? I want to be prepared.

mikeweb said...

ringcycles - I'd like to think so...

Anonymous said...

That ain't no lighting fixture, that's a fixie anchor. Just throw it out and hook a post. Stop you on a dime. If there ain't no dime lying right were you want to stop you can make do with a pedestrian or a Yellow Cab.

With a bit of practice you can even use it for cornering, generating a "slingshot effect," but if the angle of the flukes ain't just right to release when you've finished your turn, well, let's just say you'd be better off if you'd just been rubbin' some R-Syssies.

Hillbilly: Wheelbarrow with a chain drive ain't no 'bent (that would a lawn tractor with a chain drive). What we got us here is obviously a cargo bike.

mikey said...

Hincapie!

Mad Jack McMad said...

Good Lord, Snob! Are you testing a bakfiets?

Todd said...

One thing you missed about the Globe is its uncanny resemblance to a ghost bike.

Good thing this guy scooped you a couple days ago.

http://tinyurl.com/no6vca

Anonymous said...

well at least the Dutch Cargo bike has room for carting away the villain. With those cop mountain bikes what are they gonna do? Make the offender ride on the handlebars?
Do they have pegs in those cargo bags?

Surly Bastard said...

Racing Tom Boonen branding:
I am Specialized.

Progessively busted Tom Boonen branding:
I am Globalized.

Specialized is making the most of their assets. I mean their Whoopassets.

Anonymous said...

It'd be great if they modified those baby trailers to have bars and a lock and stuffed full sized criminals in them.

grog said...

Your cop drama reads like a screenplay. So there's a book AND a movie in the works, eh? Jumpin the shark all over the place! Epic.

Anonymous said...

in s.c. coppers ride full suspenshun santa cruz jobbies, usually in small/small gear selection, with the seats too low, and a coupla those moto-fenders sticking up at all angles.

Anonymous said...

I'm hopin' it's a Larry vs. Harry Bullitt fixed gear with an ironic Hello Kitty cargo bed pad.

Morgan said...

One of the Globes at the press event was set up with a TTMBL

mitch pa said...

the ghost bike paint job is an anti-theft device and a good one too. the longer you leave the bike chained up, the safer it becomes.

kale said...

Snob,

I applaud your progress as a photojournalist. We can finally see the story you've been trying to tell with "words" that much easier without the whole artistic flimflam you've been prone to in the past.

Weegee has turned back over in his grave.

sufferist said...

When will the Sepia monochrome fixie drop?

In the copy for the Globe ad:
"is build on a vision"

should read:
"is built on a vision"

nice job Urban Velo, way to bring down what could have been a flawless product launch...(if by flawless product you interpret that to mean $75 worth of parts, pre-assembled and sold for $800)

Disgruntl Ed. said...

So, you were tailing some cops as they were (or seemed to be) in hot pursuit of something, and you on a Long John or something like it managed to get several crisp (by your standards) photographs.

Was this all in slow-motion, or do you indeed have superpowers?

Slappy said...

The latest in HIpster Bike-ness

http://velonews.com/article/93508/tech-feature-world-bicycle-project-zambia-bike

The 45 lb utility bike for Afirca, you can't get one here. Gonna have to have one. It's pretty much all black.

I guess as a bici mechanic the basic functionality is pretty high on my list, so the overall appearnce never really bothers me. More spray paint, more mud. And it seems to help deter theft, the less specific the look.. but aaanyway, some bar ends would look pretty good on that white globe. .and some love notes on the rims

jolene said...

them blue bikes is shit get a golt one or a red one then thats a cop rig

Luck E. Seven said...

How can cycle cops pedal the streets everyday and still be so chunky? or winded? or easy to catch?


A

Wickham said...

Can't wait to see "Globe" tank...
http://wickhamsbiking.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Slappy: ". . . 45 lb utility bike for Afirca, you can't get one here."

Damn, and I was so hoping I could get a TREK rebranded Flying Pigeon to show the world I care on my way to Starbucks.

Luck E. Seven: One word - donuts.

Anonymous said...

i gotta have a project zambia bike, my lifestyle is soo hardcore, i need me some automotive-grade rubber!

Anonymous said...

Those folks on the Globe Roll are out of control. I saw side walk riding. Gives them if not street cred, some side walk alternative that messengers in the city enjoy so.

Johnny said...

I always know summer is here with all the underwear I see as I ride behind folks. Epic in proportion.

Anonymous said...

As a resident of Minneapolis, I'm feeling UN-CoM-Fortable about this extra attention being paid to our city. Masi bikes held a photo shoot here also. Taking pictures of the city just keeps encouraging the local fixie "community" to grow in size and weirdness. Like a facial cyst.

See Masi's bikes here. Incidentally, they are a pretty reasonable bike line-up.

http://masiguy.blogspot.com/search/label/Masi%20in%20Minneapolis

Anonymous said...

I'm holding out for the Globe Palp.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kale,

Between the bike and the corpulent cops I was moving pretty slowly, hence the "good" pictures.

--RTMS

bikesgonewild said...

...astute observation, ringcycles...
...& all the "lifestyle" hyperbole goes along w/ the old adage "you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle"...

Luck E. Seven said...

I suspect the nylon bag may be full of donuts, not whoopass.

btw anon 2:29, are the cops easily winded because they are smoking the donuts as well? That's a totally different kind of Wednesday.


A

shmaltz herring said...

Jamie Gertz makes a mean latke.

Anonymous said...

I would donate more to TransAlt if they had roving teams of flat-repairing dorks in uniforms like those cops.

Imagine the responsibility that uniform would require...

Anonymous said...

Brilliantly funny !!!

bikesgonewild said...

...ten years hence...

...snobkids:-- "snobdaddy...will you tell the story again about how you singlehandedly stopped bike salmoning in nyc & managed to solve the r-sys exploding wheel syndrome, all the while riding the ironic orange julius bike & yer superhero costume ???...huh, please, please"...

...snobdaddy:-- "hey, sure snobkids, but remember, i'm no superhero...i'm just yer snobdaddy & a man who wants to see a better cycling future for you kids...
...ok, gather 'round & we'll have a little kumbya moment...
...now then, there was this time years ago..."
...

TheTye said...

Ah.... the SPIPP. I can't count how many bikes I've bought that came with a SPIPP.

rezado said...

Does the chicken suit have an "S" on the front of it?

Anonymous said...

Oh come on, Luck E. You'd have to be an idiot to smoke a donut. That's what crullers are for (and salmon of course, but the draw makes it pretty damned hard to keep 'em lit. I wouldn't think a cop could manage it).

CommieCanuck said...

Something wrong with your camera Snob, those elite men and women in blue seem much thicker than they should be.

Bryan said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZjd9pBmLoU

Original Fixie Freestylers

ice cube said...

the thought that fixed gear riders will eventually pick-up a crabon road bike is like saying Twilight will usher in a new generation that appreciates literature.

Luck E. Seven said...

Thanks anon 2:29/3:39. I knew there was a logic at work with the piglets. Cop culture is so confusing, but I was aware that baked confections played a part in their eating and recreation schemes.

It is WILD to see what happens when cop cycling and non-cop cycling cultures collide. It's just a huge deep fried sugar- and cheese-coated mess, really.


A

Cyclin' Missy said...

That Globe looks like a ghost bike. What is Specialized trying to say? LOL

Anonymous said...

Is anybody else creeped out by the popularity of these nearly all white bicycles? Riding the same "colorways" as the bikes used for memorials to hit cyclists seems like a bad play.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone forget to mention the white bike looks like a ghost bike?

Anonymous said...

That specialized fixie looks like a Ghost Bike

just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

what's a ghost bike?

Anonymous said...

not related to your post today, but thought you might get a kick out of this article......http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/standard/article-23708515-details/Revealed%3A+The+greenest+bike+ever+made/article.do

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Norman said...

My fundament is pretty white this time of year. Or any time of year, honestly.

Anonymous said...

Hey, the Globe is perfect to ride on the picnic table. Lord knows we need a ride for the urban picnic table.

Anonymous said...

ice cube=homerun

Anonymous said...

It's a pretty sad world, the bike world. It runs on the early adopter YNW curve. This precludes the large manufacturers from investing time in developing a useful product.

Goats are the answer. Not bikes.

Anonymous said...

yeah! read up on your rights of way. Ride a real pack horse!

frilly said...

My hero.

red neckerson said...

id ont help that jolenes bitchin in the background about a lettle from the pubic hellth department about some highly resistent strain of clamidea or something and it really gettin on my nerves

but theres something about reading this post and comments that makes me feel like i just got a hemp rope enema

i shouldnt complain its not like i gots to pay for this or something and the internets free curtesy of the pubic libary

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:38

RTMS

Anonymous said...

whats RTMS?

Anonymous said...

Up in my neck of the woods, we use these white bikes as memorials to riders that have been smooshed by Hummers and such. We like to call them "Ghost Bikes". Those Specialized rigs look lots like one of them ghost bikes. I wouldn't run/rock/roll/palp/rub one - too creepy...

Anonymous said...

Anon 6:49 if you have to ask, you don't belong here. Run along now, go, git! Scram! Mommy's waitin'!

Dave Wyman said...

> Maybe one of them had defaced a billboard, in which case my justice would be swift.<

Wait a minute - I'm FOR defacing billboards. No, I'm for tearin' them down. They are a blight upon the land, at least in Los Angeles (except I can't see the land for all the pavement).

Doc Sarvis lives! The Monkey Wrench Gang forever!

ken e. said...

Really? Too Much Sarcasm?

(did someone use this one already? if so, sorry)

Wednesday! Yes!

Anonymous said...

Snobster--you rolled through my 'hood and didn't stop for coffee. Looks like the first picture is in front of the White Horse. Ain't no truants around here. They must have been rolling up to the HS on 18th street.

Bubba Zanetti said...

Joviality is a game of children.

Anonymous said...

I dont understand what "Ironic Orange Julius Bike" actually means which is very frustrating and overall annoying to me when i see you constantly refer to it in your blogs. is it some sort of sarcastic reference to an obscure "bike pop culture" tidbit that i am to dull to understand or otherwise somehow missed? Internet websites offer various definitions to what an "Orange Julius" is, all pretty much summarized on urban dictionary - http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Orange+Julius (which is, of course, the defacto resource for all modern English definitions) and none are all to ironic or clearly have a bike relation.

in short, you suck and are getting annoying with this orange julius crap.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 12:31am..."in short, you suck and are getting annoying with this anonymous crap."...just a thought...

...here's another one...if you were to politely ask the 'perpetrators' of bs explanation perhaps they might enlighten you about iojb...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Tyler Hamilton receives 8 year ban effectively ending his cycling career . . .

http://www.velonews.com/article/93521/hamilton-accepts-8-year-ban

He tested positive for DHEA the use of which has NOTHING to do with depression . . .

Professional Cycling
DHEA is a prohibited substance under the World Anti-Doping Code of the World Anti-Doping Agency [3], that took over control of drug testing from the individual sports, such as international cycling body, Union Cycliste Internationale[35].

A very sad ending to a career that might have put him up there with the all time greats. Just Sad.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:31

Tyler Hamilton bashing guy here.

Have you ever considered mentally palping (hee-hee) McSonbster's volumnious archives?

Biksnob's mental spew is a aquired taste. Please do your research of, as they say in the great frozen north. STFU eh!

Anonymous said...

It is late. Fat fingers. In the above post please ... change of to or


Thanx

MJ Klein said...

nice typo in the Globe ad: "the new Globe is build on a vision...." really makes me want to get one.

Snob, thanks for the vision of the future: CHIPS:2010

Anonymous said...

What is this palp?

Anonymous said...

I don't understand salmon.

Anonymous said...

you're done riding lance armstrong's tip?

libertyonbikes! said...

snob- another rider busted: in NY
http://www.saratogian.com/articles/2009/06/18/news/doc4a398ee6a7dd5239619529.txt

Hubert said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcuvvOQLZ5o

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:31am,

Awhile back I commented on someone who was apparently using a BMC Track Machine as an "ironic coffee bike," which prompted me to joke about how you know you have too many bikes when you have specific bikes for getting specific beverages, which led me to refer to my own bike as the Ironic Orange Julius Bike. It just kind of stuck.

Suckily,

--BSNYC/RTMS

flowers said...

I love your website, seriously. I read it daily via my Greader
correspondence courses

ant1 said...

ant100st!

Luck E. Seven said...

101st!


A

Anonymous said...

Snobby, doesn't the true irony lie in the fact that the IOJB isn't even orange?

Oh, and those Globe bikes look like ghost bikes...

Anonymous said...

...nor is your name (at least as far as I know) "Julius"...

Anonymous said...

I just had a nightmare thought that they might create a movie sequel called "Paul Blart - Bike Cop".

Anonymous said...

Maybe one of those companies ought to call one of their all white bikes the "Tom Wolfe"

Anonymous said...

Oh man...

http://ugliesttattoos.com/

More time wasting ahead.

mikeweb said...

The Tom Wolfe bike - very nice...

Why not the 'Fantasy Island' bike?

mikeweb said...

...or "Saturday Night Fever"

kale said...

or KKK...

mikeweb said...

If the IOJB was an IRO track frame, I guess it would be the IROnic Orange Julius bike?

Isn't Orange Julius out of business? More irony...

mikeweb said...

Wow, kale! Pushing the un-PC envelope... it's a rare talent.

kale said...

Sorry, but it's OK to joke about that stuff now that Obama's president.

Right?

mikeweb said...

That might be up for debate... I mean, they used to hang people for nothing and bomb churches... just sayin'...

missy giove said...

Pffffffttt...huh?

what?

Pffftt...

wow.

Anonymous said...

real cop bikes are donut themed, and they have pretend anti-terrorism devices, to make us feel safe. and cameras to record things that happen while they are in service, (with on-screen clocks calibrarted to the milisecond), to provide footage to sell to the networks.

ice cube said...

k

Spikedbikes said...

They were giving away free bike tassels with a checking account for the first 50 customers at the bank.

Anonymous said...

Yes it reminds of the long used unfortunately ghost bike sites for people hit by cars.Theres way too many in NYC but its all over the world.
Is that white bike related to Origen bike parts that make the plastic crap quick release skewer's? Or is it just Specialized making niche novelty attitude bikes for the BMX fixie road bike crowd?
Tig welded too I imagine.

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