Thursday, June 4, 2009

The Indignity of Commuting by Bicycle: Riding in Circles

In the world of urban cycling, intersections are to riders what watering holes are to animals on the Serengeti, in that they are the place where various species who might not otherwise interact are forced to come together. As such, there is no better place to observe urban cycling behavior than at intersections. This is especially true here in New York City now that cycling weather is optimal and just about every species of cyclist has come out of hibernation.

One species of rider who displays different types of behavior at intersections is the fixed-gear rider. Generally speaking, a fixed-gear rider approaching an intersection with a red light will behave in one of three ways:

1) Assertive

If the fixed-gear rider is of the hardened messenger variety (or at least aspires to be), he or she will simply refuse to acknowledge either the red signal or the vehicular traffic and continue through the intersection at full speed. Once in the middle of the intersection, the rider may skip-stop or adjust course slightly if necessary. Almost as soon as you see these riders, they're gone, leaving behind a trail of angry motorists and the scent of unwashed pants in their wake.

2) Pensive

The more conservative rider will come to a stop at the intersection, but in no circumstances will he or she put his or her foot down. In fixed-gear circles, allowing your foot to touch pavement is career suicide; it's like when Milli Vanilli got caught lip-synching. Instead, the rider will trackstand, which involves assuming the stance of a pointing bird dog and staring off into the distance until either the intersection is clear or the light turns green. Nothing can break their steely, comical resolve--even the most scantily-clad pedestrian is not enough to draw their eyes away from the distant horizon. So crucial is the trackstand to fixed-gear society that they practice it in their homes.

3) Tentative

As fixed-gear bicycles continue to proliferate so do riders who are visibly uncomfortable on them. While these riders have not owned fixed-gears long enough to master the trackstand, they have owned them long enough to know that they're not allowed to put their feet down. As such, many have developed sort of a work-around, which involves riding in circles or figure-eights at the intersection until the light changes--like sharks, only nerdier.

In fact, some of these riders will go so far as to ride circles around you if you happen to be sharing the intersection with them, and it just so happens that I encountered one of these riders today. Here I am in my chicken suit, waiting patiently at a red light and meditating on vital issues of the day:

As I mused, I was approached from behind by a rider of the "mountainger" variety, in that he was wearing the brown hikey SPD-compatible shoes and baggy shorts of a mountain biker, yet was riding the fixed-gear and wearing the bag of a messenger. He then proceeded to circle me, after which he finally came to a stop in front of me in typical sandbar fashion, at which point he attempted to trackstand unsuccesfully, ultimately forcing him to unclip at the last second and do the unthinkable--touch the street with his foot. I believe in fixed-gear freestyle parlance this is what's known as a "360 to trackstand fail." (Note the "mountainger" is represented below by the pair of baggy shorts.)

Now, you'd think once he'd gone though all that effort not to dab a foot yet still wound up doing so that he'd simply stay put and make the best of the situation by taking a little respite and waiting out the light. Not so--instead, he clipped back in and rode through traffic at the first opportunity. Furthermore, he continued to run subequent lights by employing a variation on the tentative light circling technique, which involves turning and riding halfway up the intersecting block until the coast is clear, and then doubling back and riding through.

While I don't care if people run lights or go to absurd lengths to keep their feet on their pedals during their commutes, I must say that I am against actually circling other riders. In most situations, circling is something that prefaces an attack, so when someone starts riding around you slowly like a bird of prey or a drooling dog you can't help feeling that they are trying to dominate you and that danger is imminent. Really, it's only slightly better than urinating on someone.

On the other hand, coasting riders behave differently at red lights. Instead of trackstanding or circling, they will roll as far into the intersection as they can until some approaching vehicle forces them to stop. Here is a rider resuming pedaling after riding right into and stopping in the middle of the intersection:


What you can't see is his handmade filth prophylactic which jutted from his seat tube nearly vertically. It looked like the erect tail of an animal, and his day-glo windbreaker looked like a deflated neon green mating pouch.

I did however manage to get a shot of this diminutive and slender filth prophylactic, which resembles the pubic landing strip left behind after a Brazilian wax:


Of course, now that the sheltered bike lanes of New York have their own bike-specific traffic signals, cyclists get the opportunity to awkwardly disregard two red lights for the price of one:


Note that the rider closer to me is picking his way through the intersection with one foot on the ground like a novice offroad rider trying to make his way through a rock garden. Really, as much as the idea of a network of bike lanes and traffic lights for New York City's cyclists seems like a good idea, in practice it is only serving as a new venue for stupid riding. These bike lanes are also just large enough to fit a garbage truck, but not large enough to let you pass a garbage truck:

The fact is though that refuse will always need to be collected, and as long as it's placed curbside garbage trucks will always have to stop curbside in order to pick it up. So really, you can't blame them for using the bike lane. Actually, in retrospect, we'd have been a lot better off if the city had created dedicated garbage truck lanes instead of new bike lanes. That way, not only could I just keep riding in traffic like I always have, but I also wouldn't have to deal with all the garbage trucks.

Alas, instead the new bike lanes are a place where the lightest and the heaviest vehicular traffic gets to interact exclusively. It's like keeping your keys and your Freshen Up gum in the same pants pocket; something's going to cause the other to explode in a gooey mess, and the victim isn't going to be the keys. And even if you do get around a giant truck, they'll still come around you and turn in front of you while you wait, forcing you to the curb. Here's one making a right on red and revealing a drycleaning-bearing bike salmon in the distance:


Indeed, bike salmon can be almost as dangerous as trucks. Here's the tragic aftermath of one cyclist's salmon encounter:


If you saw the bike on bike accident tonight on Ave A... - m4w (Lower East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-06-03, 2:49AM EDT


...and picked up a phone, it's the delivery guy's. Please find out where he works, because they owe me a new fork, and possibly a medical bill. He was going the wrong way.


If you have the phone, you get my undying appreciation and I will gladly trade it for a bottle of vodka. A good bottle, not that $10 per handle garbage. I'm no cheapskate.


Actually, if he's looking for accident witnesses, he should probably ask the drivers of large trucks. Many of them have seen a lot, and they can often recount the details of crashes with stunning accuracy.

Yes, life in the bike lane is ugly, and it would appear that our only hope for beautification lies with students of the Fashion Institute of Technology:



Amazingly, a publicist actually deigned to send me a press release about this contest as well:


Furthermore, it included some of the winning sketches:


I'm really "feeling" this Tech-Chic Envelope Bag, which hopefully will be available in a number of "colorways:"


But while the envelope bag would appear to be suited to little else but toting the change of clothes your fashionable cycling garments should obviate the need for, I suppose I could expect much worse from a LVMH x FIT student "collabo." So I extend a hearty congratulations to the winner and I hope she goes on to design many a poncho. I also hope she can reach the Final Fashion Frontier, which is designing a pair of shoes you can actually stand up in:



I had Many Facial Piercings and Platforms You Vintage Bicycle - w4m - 22 (East Village)
Reply to:[deleted]

Date: 2009-05-30, 11:30PM EDT


Friday 6pm ,19th on St Marks,I was 5 foot 10 in heels , Skinny and leggy with long dark hair pulled back in a high bun. I had a septum ring in my nose,several facial piercings, big stretched earlobes and ridiculously high platform wedges on with thigh high black stockings I was having trouble keeping my balance while I waited for my friend. you bicycled by on a old school bike and waved, but that was it, didn't bother to stop, barely got a look at you, then you looked back and kept peddling. Liked your little short denim jacket and tight jeans. You also had a fidel castro like hat and old converse . Remember me?


I guess it can be hard to stand up when you've got that much weight above the neck.

108 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yeaahh

Wes said...

Bing

Anonymous said...

where is everyone?

Wes said...

Anyone seen ant1?

Mental Yentl said...

Do salmon eat chicken suits?

Oysh.

Anonymous said...

donkey

Anonymous said...

what what...

Wes said...

There he is.

mike poole said...

yaaaaghhhh! top 10

mikeweb said...

tastes like chicken!

Anonymous said...

close

Surly Bastard said...

Lucky 13? I love diagrams.

Anonymous said...

14! Outta the money!

ant1 said...

"cyclists get the opportunity to awkwardly disregard two red lights for the price of one"

PRIC LESS

Luck E. Seven said...

Round and round...

Love will find a way, just give it time...


A

rezado said...

15 m-p-h's

ken e. said...

damn it!

mikeweb said...

Wow, snobbie, you actually managed to get 1 of these fine photos in focus. It feels like that part in 'Wizard of Oz' when everything changes from B&W to color.

Cool The Kid said...

The whole biking is cool thing makes me mad if for nothing else because all track bikes are unreasonably expensive now. The Pistadex (and MSRP) have shot up well over 20% in the past few MONTHS and it pisses me off, because my PAke was just stolen.

BLOWS

hillbilly said...

hate the circling, hate it....hate it....hatity hate hate

mikeweb said...

right on red?

Anonymous said...

Interesting, this afternoon using the same bike lane as photographed, I shared some of the same experiences. The bike that went through the red just kept going and in fact the fellow actually looked the other way of the traffic coming at him. He really believed that god was his co-pilot and get him through. Too bad.

jon said...

Get a helmet cam, snobbie. One of those under-$100 SD card-based jobbies (like this one: http://www.buy.com/retail/product.asp?sku=210644292) and record your commute.

Wes said...

Chicken suit, diagram, garbage truck in a bike lane - just a picture of a pierced chick would make it perfect.

Surly Bastard said...

Damn funny today snob ... thanks for the laughs.

Anonymous said...

good weather? its been rainy almost every work day for the past weeks

Anonymous said...

I see people do the, "I'm not running a red light! I'm turning right on red then making a u-turn" all the time.

Just run the light, you're making other cyclists look like dicks and you aren't fooling anybody.

OBA said...

Freshen Up? Freshen Up?! Freshen Up!!! Oh man, you are working the 80's nostalgia button really hard today! Totally rad!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps the fixie cirle(jerk?) is an homage to the masters of no-dab, intersection meandering street riding... the tall bike rider.

I figure SF has a bunch of tall bikes for the 51 non-burning man weeks, but how about other towns?

Anonymous said...

People in NY actually CIRCLE others? I can't believe anyone would do that to another human...

Anonymous said...

In response to "Good weather?"

Many days it has rained but not every minute nor hour. Take yesterday for example biking after & pm would give you a rain free evening. Thus no rain. Before rain. One just needs to see the sun behind the clouds.

Test Tickle said...

Bravo BS!!!! Man, I have been getting so annoyed by the Seattle trackstanders lately. Especially bothersome is the folks that attempt to trackstand that AREN'T on fixies ... just flailing away in front of me until they almost fall, and then, run the red because they cannot, under any circumstances dab a foot. If you're that concerned about dabbing, grab a f'in polo mallet and use it for balance, you shitstain... You are not getting anywhere faster than me so relax and learn how to ride, and comfortably stop, a bike. Sheesh.

I feel better now.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:46pm,

That's true, though generally speaking we are in that sweet spot between freezing cold and blistering heat. As far as the rain, I will refrain from pro-fender propaganda. (That's an "Australian denial.")

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

I was thinking about the 'septum ring in my nose' and want opinions on the implications:

poster also has septum ring somewhere else, down south?

poster wrote both 'septum ring' and 'in my nose', and forgot to choose/delete one?

CommieCanuck said...

On my into work this morning, I got stopped by a cop in a minivan (I try not to laugh, but it's hard to take law enforcement seriously in a minivan, kinda vehicle you use for toddler soccer hooligans all hopped up on orange juice).

He gave me a verbal reaming for running a red light (I was turning right into a bike lane, with no chance of getting hit). However, he was cool and let me off with a warning, even commented that he was impressed how it took three blocks to chase me down.

MINI VAHN

hillbilly said...

speaking of the weather, the commute home last night certainly felt epic.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:59pm,

You raise a very interesting question. Maybe there are proprietary septum rings, but members of the "body modificaton community" have taken to inserting them through other body parts anyway, so it's necessary for her to specify that she's running a septum ring in the traditional manner. Kind of like how a bottom bracket lockring on the hub of a cheap fixie conversion is still a bottom bracket lockring...

--BSNYC

hillbilly said...

so THAT'S what BMC stands for!

Anna said...

Ah but you're forgetting all of the people who trackstand, circle, and generally behave like the fixie guys but actually HAVE brakes and gears. It's like they think the fixie way is the correct way to ride. Being circled by a vintage cruiser is even worse than being circled by a fixie.

Unknown said...

In my head, David Attenborough narrated the first half of this post.

Jim said...

>>>People in NY actually CIRCLE others? I can't believe anyone would do that to another human...

This behavior was chronicled in the late early 80's documentary, "Warriors." NY'ers also make a traditional war cry when circling - "Warriors... come out and play!" I know it's disturbing but the film doesn't lie.

bikesgonewild said...

...new york sanitation district's message to cyclist's...

..."you are no better than the garbage we pick up & put in our trucks"...

Matt said...

I figured those folks who trackstand just weren't very good at getting back into their clips.

kale said...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm Bikesnob, like that Robert Lewis Stephenson character, because I had a similar experience today. I haven't seen the culture vultures riding the intersection thermal for almost 6 months, then BAM! it must be their mating season again. This might explain the more experienced males behavior of performing more complex reverse circling maneuver - but I've never seen this done in the intersection habitat (yet...?).

If you really want to experience some fixter disdain try sitting on the top tube at an intersection, that's the equivalent of burning Old Glory to Hummsters.

shmaltz herring said...

I sometimes employ the "turning and riding halfway up the intersecting block until the coast is clear, and then doubling back and riding through" technique, but only to avoid being bike-mugged by scary pedestrians. My neighborhood sucks.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC-

Interesting. So it seems that rocking a septum ring in your nose is an allusion to ones being at heart an old-school/traditionalist. Hmmnn, as to the thread-compatibility of BB and hub...It will never happen again. Shimoney and others are already trying to stem the flow of $ lost to the TPI error.

Anonymous said...

i like the ones who trackstand AND go out too far into the intersection and then freeze like baby deerz in th'headlights, motionless, helpless.

like all things around here, danged if ya do...

CommieCanuck said...

I just found out that the great Philly road race, once home to the US Road championships, is being bailed out and named after TD bank..a Canadian bank.

That's just sad.

What next, the Indy 500 with Yugos?

Anonymous said...

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x3qe1_ratt-round-and-round_extreme

Disgruntl Ed. said...

I don't run red lights, except for those ones that I always do when there is no one coming (Parliament and Mill, anyone?).

But some cars and Vespas stink so bad I will alter course or flout the law just to get off of their cloud.

Anonymous said...

those ones that I always do?

oh, the shame.

jflo said...

Anna - the visual on your comment made me laugh out loud. That sounds like some sort of perverse humiliation ritual.

Anonymous said...

oh, the shame?

Oh, the shame.

PhilboydStunge said...

Here in the Burque people have been doing those wobbly semi-track stand circles at red lights for at least 25 years. I don't think fixies had even been heard of outside of NY messengers back then. They all looked stupid then and they all look stupid now. Except for one guy who does a stand on the front wheel. He's BA.

Typenschild Delete said...

I totally do the right on red/uturn/right on green. In my mind it makes car drivers less pissed off than if I just ran a red. One less cyclist they get to rant about not obeying traffic laws.

Am I just deluding myself?

Test Tickle said...

New seller/buyer category:

Nashbar-dex: $600 FIRM

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/bik/1204375132.html

Are you kidding me? I "may" throw in some cranks. Good luck with that sale, kiddo.

Anonymous said...

FYI in the greater NY metro counties of Manhattan, Kings, Queens, Bronx and that other one it's illegal to turn right on red - so the cop out u-turn is still going to get you a ticket.

Luck E. Seven said...

Thanx, Anon 2:36.

RATT ROXX



A

red neckerson said...

here in vipor if you dont like the red light you just pulls out yor gun and shoots it

sorry officer i didnt know i had to stop at no broken light

you get the ideal

bikesgonewild said...

...hey red...that a pistol in yer pocket or are you just glad ta see a green light ???...

murphstahoe said...

Fixed gear rider blah. Bike Salmon blah. Fixed gear rider blah. Bike Salmoning Fixter blah.

New memes please!

murphstahoe said...

for example, what about the "I hit a pothole, lost a testicle, but was able to sue the city" meme.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/cityinsider/detail?entry_id=41133

BikeSnobNYC said...

Murphstahoe,

That's one painful meme! I wonder if a saddle with a cutout would have helped, or only made things worse due to the "tongue and groove" effect.

"Fixed gear blah?" What about a fixed-gear bra? They're like regular bras only they have no clasps. Totally zen.

Just trying to work with you here.

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

Ah yes, the old cut-right-drift-left bit. I tried that briefly after I moved to the "big city" on the advice of an old messenger in sweat pants. I quickly figured out it was stupid. The same guy once likened riding in the rain to "swimming like a dolphin."

Surly Bastard said...

CRCL JERK

chewbacca said...

yeah boy,

at peen station lasterday i saw a newbie track standing and someones wheeled luggage banged into his back wheel and he came down with a limp thud. he started yelling t the tourrists but they were burly eastern european guys so he backed off. he had sky blue deep V's...

chewbacca said...

Surly Bastard is right, and may have coined the phrase "Crircle Jerks"!!!

give him props bsnyc...

Daddo said...

I totally do the right on red/uturn/right on green. In my mind it makes car drivers less pissed off than if I just ran a red. One less cyclist they get to rant about not obeying traffic laws.

Am I just deluding myself?

It's a frighteningly douchey move. You're pissing off the cars AND anyone who knows bikes.

Anonymous said...

For what it's worth, I bought a black 2001 Pista for $250 off CL a few weeks ago. An apocolyptically good deal, and it let me sneak into the scene undetected..

HappyLand said...

Ah Bike Snob, I thought of you yesterday riding in the "rain" here in Los Angeles (And that means that the sky was occasionally spitting water). Regardless of the lack of actual weather, it was still wet! And without my filth prophylactic my legs and bike and back ended up quite dirty. If only I had used protection!

My new favorite thing to see these days is the cyclist riding with a neon safety vest at night...with no lights.

southpole said...

dear cyclists,
i just came back home from a visit to the united states, and while i did not have the opportunity to ride a bike there, i did try to drink as much papst blue ribbon brand beer as possible to better understand the american cycling culture (from this blog i gathered it is an integral component (in addition to bongs)). but i don't get it. wtf is the deal with that water? that is hardly beer.

homophobic said...

was never comfortable with a gum that squirted in my mouth, to be honest

Anonymous said...

southpole, I'm calling you out! First, you address us all as 'cyclists', I take offense.

secondi, you say you are not Amurkin, yet you use the 'wtf' texting crap?

PBR is good, it won a blue ribbon in the late 1800s.

maybe you are Canadian.

TheTye said...

What's even better that the chronic trackstanding is when they will stop at an intersection or on the side of the street and then back-peddle right into traffic... and always with a very proud look on their face

Anonymous said...

decorative bolt

Anonymous said...

Whoa...a commenter from Albuquerque! Shocking. Unless some other city is calling itself "Burque" these days...

Anyway, I DO care if other cyclists run red lights because I have to answer for their asshattery every time I talk to a cager about riding a bike. Yeah, their reasoning is completely stupid: "bikes don't belong on the road because they don't follow the rules," but I still have to argue it out with them. I'm sick of it. Stop at the freakin' light, people. It's not going to kill you. No, it's not. NOT stopping is what's likely to get you killed.

Anonymous said...

All you NYC haters should come out and visit AMERICA where every intersection is 8 lanes with left turn lights in each lane. Where all lights are sensor controlled and the sensors are too weak to detect bikes. R-U-R is the ultimate technique.

Anonymous said...

R-U is also perfect for turning left without changing lanes or tripping a sensor.

brettok said...

Ah, the "day-glo windbreaker".... known around these parts as a YJA.

tommy fixterelli said...

so i've fallen over at a few intersections and i have to circle you because my lack of balance forbids a trackstand. the important thing is how'd i look? i looked damn good!

leroy said...

If only I had known about that LVMH contest!

I don't mean to shock you, but in some circles, I am known as a bit of a fashion plate.

My commuting ensemble is Grant Petersen meets J. Peterman:

"Eschewing the carbon fiber trend in clothing and bike frames, the urbane commuter nonchalantly plies the Brooklyn to Manhattan by-ways in a looks-bespoke-but-is-not baggy jersey, tartan cycling kilt and matching knee socks. Perfect for drafting NYC detritus removal vehicles. $39.95. SPD compatible Birkenstocks sold separately."

None of that fashion faux pas mountainger ensemble for me.

Philip Williamson said...

I don't think bike-circlers are allowed on the west coast. My first thought was, "I'd push that fucker over," and I'm a pretty nice guy.

Don't blow your horn, don't circle the other cyclists, don't tease the monkeys.

T said...

I trackstand my freehub/freewheel bikes, too! I hate having to heave off from the ground...it's annoying and slow.

smellvin said...

For those who circle at lights, should one circle clockwise or counter clockwise?

Andreas said...

Can't say I have encountered the 3rd variety. As always thanks for the illustrations - very picasso

Anon 11:58 said...

Hey this is boring. Anyone wanna follow me over to TractorInsulterBFE and complain that they should be nicer to the farm implements?

ringcycles said...

Anon 11:58: I don't think you get it. I believe most of the regular commenters and BSNYC himself realize that to the larger society cyclists are dorks. While to us cyclists that is frustrating in itself, it is almost infuriating to see other cyclists that make our beloved activity obnoxious, dangerous, or even more dorky. This site serves only as a place to vent that frustration through ridicule. If you are expecting positive and supportive posts, well coming here is like going to a Weight Watchers meeting for the buffet. Each commenter tries to add something in their particular style of sarcasm. Since this is not your taste or, if this is boring to you, then yes, by all means go to another site to comment. We'll all be there in a few minutes, I am sure. Enjoy critiquing the latest John Deer combine om the meantime.

bikesgonewild said...

...so basically, ringcycles, now that anon 11:58 is leaving us, he's gonna send us a 'deere john' letter...

Anonymous said...

And when the gas runs out just wreck it, you insured the thing

mikeweb said...

smellvin:

Your answer is that circlers in the northern hemisphere circle clockwise and those in the southern hemisphere circle counter-clockwise.

Either way, they're in the toilet.

leroy said...

Anon 11:58 PM --

What's this you say? Cruelty to farm implements?

Good Lord, man, I can't support that.

ant1 said...

all this talk of riding in circles is making me dizzy.

Daddo said...

you hoe!

db said...

BLOGS MAKE HULK ANGRYY!

Other Side of the GW said...

@ ringcycles-Yeah, what you said.

Anonymous said...

and to all you hipster-hating elitist Central Park roadies; you are the most hated people in all of New York, cyclists or otherwise.

Pointer out of the obvious said...

Ringcycles,

I don't think that was really Anon 11:58 this time.

Daddo said...

yeah - i don't get the spandex central park ride.

that's a mile oval, right?

so unless they cordon it off and race a crit (which they don't do) is there really a point to putting on your clown suit and (to the point) riding around in circles?

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!
100!

Luck E. Seven said...

101st!!

I think I'm gonna hurl.



A

Anonymous said...

Possibilities:

Billy Preston on the ipod playlist?
Misunderstood "make circles" in spinning tutorial?
Maybe they are really "orbiting" in homage to the other's greater gravitas?
Haven't yet progessed to the conch shell or tetherballing technique?

Darn, hope I did not mess up a forthcoming quiz question.

hillbilly said...

not disagreeing with your point daddo, but it's actually a 6 (.1) mile oval

Anonymous said...

I tell you what: it's fucked up not having any cycling infrastructure here in the third world, but then again my commute is free from dumb-fuck riders like these.

We do have a case of salmons, and it is particulary dangerous 'cause you're concerned about cars and such approaching from behind (ahem) and near misses are frequent.

the chocolate doctor מרת שאקאלאד said...

I love that you used the phrase "can't help feeling" correctly.

Anonymous said...

I believe that "Envelope Bag" is the latest device for the conveyance of the latest in high tech hipster bento boxes.

s.jos said...

oh, nice. I know the girl who designed the bag. Serious congrats to her!

Anonymous said...

"and to all you hipster-hating elitist Central Park roadies; you are the most hated people in all of New York, cyclists or otherwise."

wow, that couldnt be more untrue. Haughty, whiny douchebag hipsters far outweigh the Parkers. Get it right, even in denial.

rozdincer said...

Bike Rental Central Park companies are the best for providing bikes in NYC. They play a large role on that.