I'm sure you will agree that useful information overflows from this article like an overweight hipster's muffin top bursts forth from the waistline of his or her skinny jeans. (Yes, there is such a thing as a male muffin top, though it should not be confused with a "hairy muffin.") And speaking of muffin tops, I was recently perusing the site "Muffin Top Mayhem" (it's where I get the bulk of my news) when I discovered what very well may be the World's Most Pretentious "Tramp Stamp:"
While some might argue that a Biblical quote is more self-righteous than it is pretentious, I think most of us can agree that it is significantly more pretentious than this.
That said, without any further debasement, I am pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right, you'll know, and if you're wrong you'll see this inspirational video, courtesy of the Metal Inquisition blog.
Oh, and while there's no time limit for this quiz, if you'd like to make your test-taking experience "epic" you might want to apply one anyway. I suggest using "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" as your timer; not the seventeen-minute Iron Butterfly original, but rather the unfortunate and embarrassing three-minute Slayer cover version. (I'm not sure what Kerry King is holding there, but it appears to be an Iron Skunk.)
Thanks very much for reading, and ride safely and epicly this weekend.
1) Bad news for hipsters! A recent MSNBC article warns that skinny jeans can cause:
--"Tingling Thigh Syndrome"
--tramp stamp fading
--infertility in males
--"Muffin Top Syndrome"
2) While some hipsters may be catching on to road cycling, fixed-gear food shopping may be the next big thing.
3) How many hipsters does it take to parallel park successfully in Park Slope, Brooklyn?
--One (the driver)
--Two (one to drive the car, and one to stand on the sidewalk and make sure the fixies don't get crushed)
--Three (one to drive, one to stand on the sidewalk and make sure the fixies don't get crushed, and one to download the iPhone parallel parking app)
--This is a trick question because it is impossible to find parking in Park Slope
4) An $80,000+ car covered with stickers is:
--A desperate play for "street cred"
--Even more obnoxious than an $80,000+ car without any stickers on it
--Probably a hand-me-down from Mom and Dad
--All of the above
5) Why is the orange bike humping the green bike?
--Because green chains are aphrodisiacs, like green M&Ms
--Because the green bike gave the orange bike that "come hither" look
--Because in New York City, cheap conversion trumps old three-speed
--Because in New York City people can often be inconsiderate
6) This is an example of:
--Cruelty to animals
7) Which is not an actual quote from a recent Cyclingnews review of the Storck Fenomalist?
--"Any unwanted flex is virtually imperceptible and the Fenomalist surges forward under power with an eagerness distinctly lacking in lesser rigs."
--"Rise up out of the saddle on the climb and you can feel the rear contact patch clawing into the pavement."
--"Short of an internal combustion engine it's the next best thing to a gas pedal."
8) Where was this fixed-gear complete with rabbit fur spoke pelts spotted?
--Outside a vegan cocktail party in San Francisco, California
--Outside a taxidermy shop in Mobile, Alabama
--Outside a faux "dive bar" in Red Hook, Brooklyn
--At an Elmer Fudd-themed alleycat in Minneapolis, Minnesota
9) This ride is "epic" in the:
--Slow and meandering sense
10) The sticker on the top tube of this cargo bike says, "The Revolution Will Not Be _________:"
--Unable To Carry Things
11) In this video, what reason does the rider give for painting his rear Deep-V black?
--"I didn't want to look gay."
--"I wanted it to match my jeans."
--"Black is the radness."
--"My sponsor insisted."
***Special Bonus Extra Credit Philosophical Essay Question***
A reader in Germany forwarded me the above photos of unusual bicycles. Do these machines lend themselves well to "epic" riding? If so, what would an "epic" ride on these bicycles entail? Is one better suited to "epics" than the other? Is any ride on a bicycle like these automatically "epic?" And does the magnitude of an "epic" increase along with the likelihood of elbow abrasions?