Ineftitude: Getting in Touch with your Inner Lizard

Ever since yesterday's post about cultural Xerox machine Mike Giant, something's been bothering me. While I've never actually met Giant, I was almost certain I'd seen him before. Then, while watching this video, it hit me:



He's the guy who played Weird Jimmy in Cheech and Chong's "Nice Dreams:"


If you haven't seen "Nice Dreams," it's the one where the particularly potent strain of marijuana is turning people into lizards. And when it comes to potent drugs, there's always one celebrity who finds the subject Twitter-worthy:



Yes, Dennis Hopper is always throwing in his two cents. Unfortunately, they've usually been through the stretched penny machine.

Of course, while some people believe that marijuana can turn you into a lizard, others feel it can make you more creative. (Mike Giant certainly seems to subscribe to this theory, though in practice it only seems to inspire him to copy stuff.) If this indeed true, then this guy must be smoking the stuff by the bushel:

This image was forwarded to me by an esteemed reader, and it depicts something that was heretofore only the stuff of myth: the reverse-quill, inverted-handlebar, Campy-ergo-with-bar-ends cockpit setup. And as a bonus the bike even includes a mini pump despite the presence of a pump peg, which is visibly yearning for the sweet kiss of a frame pump. Really, the whole thing is just a filth prophylactic away from perfection. I don't know who set this guy's bars up like this, but I suspect it may have been M.C. Escher. If you don't know who M.C. Escher was, he's like Mike Giant, only his drawings are interesting.

Speaking of people who steal stuff, yet another Deep V has vanished:




STOLEN: White Rear Velocity Deep V (williamsburg/broadway)
Reply to:[deleted]
Date: 2009-05-27, 8:53AM EDT

some inbred stolen the back wheel off my bike last night outside of Trophy bar. ofcourse if you're reading this i'm being very specific for the inbred/s that stole it. oh boy you're one lucky lucky person. if i had caught you ohhhh deary, 808721[deleted].

Stolen Deep Vs is the third most common cause of hipster temper tantrums in Williamsburg, just behind STDs and parents who won't foot the bill for their airfare home when they attend their siblings' graduations. I'm not sure what sort of retribution a Deep V thief should fear from a person who says "ohhhh deary," though it might come in the form of a saucy note. In fact, the Saucy Note Bandit has already stricken in Greenpoint, with hilariously devastating results:




whoever vandalized my bike on frankin st - w4m - 23 (greenpoint)
Reply to:[deleted]
Date: 2009-05-24, 8:47PM EDT

It read, "locking to a tree is a dick move." And it also read, "yeah ur a dick."

so amazing. gave me a hilarious laugh this morning. i assume it was a male due to the hand writing... who are you?

In an attempt to unmask the Saucy Note Bandit, I ventured deeper into the moldy cheese cave that is Craigslist, and found what I thought might be a clue that the SNB actually comes from out of town:



11 May - A train from JFK - m4w
Reply to:[deleted]
Date: 2009-05-27, 2:05PM EDT

I was reading "man, mystic, monk" Dalai Lama. Sandals you were wearing, I was wearing sandals as well. Paint blotched NB tied to your Timbuktu. I was lugging a big blue bike bag. Glasses... I still think about you. You said goodbye at Hoyt, and I haven't stopped hearing that. Want to know you...

However, I soon dismissed this theory. Firstly, while someone who reads the Dalai Lama might be fiercely protective of trees, he probably wouldn't go so far as to leave an angry note. Secondly, the syntactical structure of the post doesn't match that of the note. Take this sentence: Sandals you were wearing, I was wearing sandals as well. This actually suggests the Dalai Lama reader is himself another noted spiritualist:



And whoever the Saucy Note Bandit may be, it most certainly isn't Yoda. If it was, the note on the tree bike would have read: "Dick move is locking to a tree. Dick you are."

Having absolved Yoda, I continued to comb Craigslist, where I encountered even more dicks--though this time they came in an altogether different form:

Chelsea mini-storage BJ - m4m - 35 (Chelsea)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-05-26, 9:54AM EDT

I was there around 6:30pm last Friday night picking up my bike from storage and when i turned the corner, you were getting your dick sucked with your storage unit door open.
I walked past but then came back slowly and watched, just out of sight of the guy who was getting you off.

It was really hot.
We didn't say a word, but you watched me watch you and I think its what got you off in the end.

I'd like to meet up there sometime and re-enact the scene; this time I'm on my knees.

At this point I realized I wasn't going to find the Saucy Note Bandit on Craigslist, so I figured now would be a good time to conclude my search and leave these gentlemen to it. I guess New York City Craigslist is a lot like a storage unit--you visit innocently in search of a bike, and you wind up walking in on some man-on-man action. This caused me to reflect on what Craigslist must be like in other parts of the country. Certainly I was just one click away from finding out, but I preferred to leave it to my imagination, and I wondered if this was what a Craigslist Missed Connection was like in the Pacific Northwest:

I was taking a stroll through the forest when I saw you and your sweet blue fixie. You had alabaster skin and were wearing nothing except Daisy Dukes and a pair of suspenders, and your right breast must have been itchy because you were scratching it against a tree. I should have introduced myself but I am a Yeti and I was afraid of someone finally obtaining photographic evidence of my existence. Regretting that now. Anyway, if you see this hit me up and I'll scratch you where you itch with my terrifying claws.



I realize that the original photo may be unsafe for some workplaces, so here's a less titillating version featuring another noted suspender enthusiast:


Wow, I guess the Yeti does exist. I wonder if she'll let him ride her Klit:

(Klit Fixedgear, forwarded by a reader)

By the way, if you also like to wander around in the forest (either as a Yeti or in search of one), you might read Outside magazine. Well, it seems I garnered a mention in a column in the June issue. (The column does not seem to be online so you'll have to look at the actual magazine. I recommend waiting three months and then making a dentist appointment, by which time there should be a copy in the waiting room.):



Of course, what I'm really holding out for is Outside's acceptance of my article, "The 40 Best Places to Urinate Outdoors in New York City" (Place #17: The Stoop at Chari & Co.), but in the meantime this will have to do. Yet while I've been mentioned in Outside, and of course have my very own column in Bicycling magazine, my favorite periodical in the whole world by far continues to be Geico Direct Magazine. However, as a cyclist and loyal reader, I have to say I was quite disappointed by the cover of their latest issue:



Really, there isn't much more that could be wrong with this picture. Firstly, who rides a bike on the beach? Not only that, but there are two people on the bike, and neither of them are wearing shoes. The whole thing looks really painful. Why wouldn't they just take a nice romantic walk instead? This is the equivalent of the next Performance catalog featuring a photo of a couple tearing through a park in a Honda Accord. Both doors would be open, the guy would be driving barefoot with his seatbelt unbuckled, and the girl would be sitting on the roof. They might even be plowing through a picnic.

But I suppose I shouldn't expect too much from a car insurer--especially one whose spokesperson is a lizard:

They must be smoking too much weed.