Colorway Me Badd: Excessive Demands

The Memorial Day weekend is now behind us like Levi Leipheimer is behind in the general classification of the Giro d'Italia, which means we've now leaped forward into summer just like Carlos Sastre leaped into the top three yesterday in the general classification of the Giro d'Italia. Like many American cycling fans, I was sorry to see Letle Viride slip back yesterday, though we can always take solace in the fact that while his place in the GC may be tenuous his position as the official Road ID spokesperson remains secure. If you've been following the Giro on Universal, you've already seen the Road ID commercial countless times, but just in case you haven't here it is:



While I commend Leipheimer for endorsing a responsible product, I also think that roadies shouldn't be the only ones to benefit from it. There are many other types of cyclists who could also use something like this but who also don't think bracelets or road racers are "cool." As such, I'm proud to announce that I'll be endorsing a version for "hipsters," the Fixie ID:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Unlike that dorky nursing home-style bracelet, Fixie ID is applied to the knuckles and enhances both safety and street cred. Fixie ID is also permanent (as are the typos, unfortunately) and unless you try to brake with your knuckles it remains legible in even the most disfiguring accidents. Sure, the eight-character limit doesn't allow you to include detailed contact information, but hipsters rarely venture outside of their neighborhoods anyway. And there is sufficient room for feeding instructions:

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

See? This hipster will eat eggs and cheese, so bring on the omelettes! Stay tuned for the commercial, complete with catchy motto: "Fixie ID: It's Who I Pretend to Be."

Speaking of bracelet magnates, I was checking in on the Twitter of one of Letle Viride's domestiques when I noticed something intriguing:

I immediately headed over to noted basketball handler Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter for more information:



...and eventually I found it:


One aging celebrity athlete challenging another to a race of some kind? What could this mean? Unsure what to make of this, I consulted Dennis Hopper:



As usual, he's got his finger on the pulse, and his tongue on the blotter acid.

Of course, a new race for Armstrong means only one thing: a new custom inspirational theme bike from The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company. Everybody's seen his Giro Shepard Fairey Obey monstrosity--in fact, it freaked Dennis Hopper out so bad he emptied out a fire extinguisher on it. Well, apparently Trek isn't even waiting to find out what kind of race this is, because they've already released images of Armstrong's new "Shaq Killer:"


As you can see, every visual element is intended to not only sting Shaq but also to mock the entire sport of basketball:

The TTS (Top Tube Shacks) that decrease in size as they make their way towards the rider's crotchal region are themselves enough to send Shaq into a spiral of self-doubt, but taken together this bike should bring the giant to his knees. Yes, this race is going to be as ugly as a Lance Armstrong one-off theme bike. All You Haters Cup My Fruit.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, Trek even released this viral video:



Poignant and demoralizing.

It just so happens I know exactly how Shaq feels, as I too was demoralized recently. Yes, on the very eve of my slaycation, I secured my bicycle to a pole. However, I was in a hurry, and in my haste I forgot to de-Knog it. (As you may recall from my Scattante review, I'm sitting on a rubbery mountain of Knogs, so I figured I might as well use them.) Yes, here in New York City people actually steal the lights off of bicycles, and I'm sorry to report that when I emerged from my bikini waxing my most favoritest Knog "hipster cyst" was gone. So I beg of you, if you hear or see anything of this Knog, or if someone on the street tries to sell you one at a price that's too good to be true, let me know immediately. You'll know it's mine because it's black. (It was originally lime green, but I had it powdercoated.) Also, I couldn't be bothered to change the battery so it barely worked anyway. Here are some nostalgic photos of the wonderful times we shared together:


This is my Knog on a teapot shaped like a camel.



This is my Knog on a small bottle of Grand Marnier.




This is my Knog being used as a capo, just moments before I picked up the guitar and sang a folk song about how much I love my Knog.

Oh, and to the thief: you may have taken my Knog, but you'll never take my memories, for they burn as brightly in my heart as the first time I switched it on. Also, the Knog you took was down my pants a few times. (You really can put those things anywhere!) So the joke's on you.

Speaking of things that come in lots of "colorways," I was recently checking in with fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly's blog, where I learned that a new urban fixed-gear tire has "dropped," and it comes in more "colorways" than a Knog-strangled extremity:



Ever ride home in the rain to be alarmed by something and when you whip into a hockey stop, your bike kicks out from under you, landing you on your ass and your bike in the street?

Ever ride home in the rain and crash because you had to whip into a hockey stop? Me neither. That's because I rock something like this:


Sure, the "colorways" leave something to be desired, but this accessory does eliminate the need for hockey stops, lacrosse stops, lawn bowling stops, and any other inconvenient and ineffectual sports-themed stops you might find yourself forced to perform on a brakeless bike. Incidentally, I'm not sure what purpose a "directional tread" serves on a wet road, since bicycles do not hydroplane--though I suppose those cosmetic sipes are useful in that once they disappear you should probably refrain from hockey stopping until you've replaced it with a brand-new pink tire.

Well, it's good to see that the bicycle industry is addressing the needs of the fixed-gear rider, even if those needs are based more on "colorways" than they are on the excessive demands they're placing on their equipment. Actually, I'm not sure relying too heavily on one component because you've omitted another one constitutes an "excessive demand"--really, it just means your bike's not finished. It's like wearing two sweaters and no pants. Maybe I can start leaving off my tires altogether and some company will come along and make a super-thick inner tube. Or has that happened already? I can't keep track.

But don't expect brakes to make a comeback anytime soon; after all, when you ride with brakes you can't come up with cool names for your stops. I'm fine with that, though. It only expands the market for the Fixie ID.