Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Colorway Me Badd: Excessive Demands

The Memorial Day weekend is now behind us like Levi Leipheimer is behind in the general classification of the Giro d'Italia, which means we've now leaped forward into summer just like Carlos Sastre leaped into the top three yesterday in the general classification of the Giro d'Italia. Like many American cycling fans, I was sorry to see Letle Viride slip back yesterday, though we can always take solace in the fact that while his place in the GC may be tenuous his position as the official Road ID spokesperson remains secure. If you've been following the Giro on Universal, you've already seen the Road ID commercial countless times, but just in case you haven't here it is:



While I commend Leipheimer for endorsing a responsible product, I also think that roadies shouldn't be the only ones to benefit from it. There are many other types of cyclists who could also use something like this but who also don't think bracelets or road racers are "cool." As such, I'm proud to announce that I'll be endorsing a version for "hipsters," the Fixie ID:

BIEKSNOB Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


Unlike that dorky nursing home-style bracelet, Fixie ID is applied to the knuckles and enhances both safety and street cred. Fixie ID is also permanent (as are the typos, unfortunately) and unless you try to brake with your knuckles it remains legible in even the most disfiguring accidents. Sure, the eight-character limit doesn't allow you to include detailed contact information, but hipsters rarely venture outside of their neighborhoods anyway. And there is sufficient room for feeding instructions:

LACTOOVO Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.


See? This hipster will eat eggs and cheese, so bring on the omelettes! Stay tuned for the commercial, complete with catchy motto: "Fixie ID: It's Who I Pretend to Be."

Speaking of bracelet magnates, I was checking in on the Twitter of one of Letle Viride's domestiques when I noticed something intriguing:

I immediately headed over to noted basketball handler Shaquille O'Neal's Twitter for more information:



...and eventually I found it:


One aging celebrity athlete challenging another to a race of some kind? What could this mean? Unsure what to make of this, I consulted Dennis Hopper:



As usual, he's got his finger on the pulse, and his tongue on the blotter acid.

Of course, a new race for Armstrong means only one thing: a new custom inspirational theme bike from The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company. Everybody's seen his Giro Shepard Fairey Obey monstrosity--in fact, it freaked Dennis Hopper out so bad he emptied out a fire extinguisher on it. Well, apparently Trek isn't even waiting to find out what kind of race this is, because they've already released images of Armstrong's new "Shaq Killer:"


As you can see, every visual element is intended to not only sting Shaq but also to mock the entire sport of basketball:

The TTS (Top Tube Shacks) that decrease in size as they make their way towards the rider's crotchal region are themselves enough to send Shaq into a spiral of self-doubt, but taken together this bike should bring the giant to his knees. Yes, this race is going to be as ugly as a Lance Armstrong one-off theme bike. All You Haters Cup My Fruit.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, Trek even released this viral video:



Poignant and demoralizing.

It just so happens I know exactly how Shaq feels, as I too was demoralized recently. Yes, on the very eve of my slaycation, I secured my bicycle to a pole. However, I was in a hurry, and in my haste I forgot to de-Knog it. (As you may recall from my Scattante review, I'm sitting on a rubbery mountain of Knogs, so I figured I might as well use them.) Yes, here in New York City people actually steal the lights off of bicycles, and I'm sorry to report that when I emerged from my bikini waxing my most favoritest Knog "hipster cyst" was gone. So I beg of you, if you hear or see anything of this Knog, or if someone on the street tries to sell you one at a price that's too good to be true, let me know immediately. You'll know it's mine because it's black. (It was originally lime green, but I had it powdercoated.) Also, I couldn't be bothered to change the battery so it barely worked anyway. Here are some nostalgic photos of the wonderful times we shared together:


This is my Knog on a teapot shaped like a camel.



This is my Knog on a small bottle of Grand Marnier.




This is my Knog being used as a capo, just moments before I picked up the guitar and sang a folk song about how much I love my Knog.

Oh, and to the thief: you may have taken my Knog, but you'll never take my memories, for they burn as brightly in my heart as the first time I switched it on. Also, the Knog you took was down my pants a few times. (You really can put those things anywhere!) So the joke's on you.

Speaking of things that come in lots of "colorways," I was recently checking in with fixed-gear freestyle impresario Prolly's blog, where I learned that a new urban fixed-gear tire has "dropped," and it comes in more "colorways" than a Knog-strangled extremity:



Ever ride home in the rain to be alarmed by something and when you whip into a hockey stop, your bike kicks out from under you, landing you on your ass and your bike in the street?

Ever ride home in the rain and crash because you had to whip into a hockey stop? Me neither. That's because I rock something like this:


Sure, the "colorways" leave something to be desired, but this accessory does eliminate the need for hockey stops, lacrosse stops, lawn bowling stops, and any other inconvenient and ineffectual sports-themed stops you might find yourself forced to perform on a brakeless bike. Incidentally, I'm not sure what purpose a "directional tread" serves on a wet road, since bicycles do not hydroplane--though I suppose those cosmetic sipes are useful in that once they disappear you should probably refrain from hockey stopping until you've replaced it with a brand-new pink tire.

Well, it's good to see that the bicycle industry is addressing the needs of the fixed-gear rider, even if those needs are based more on "colorways" than they are on the excessive demands they're placing on their equipment. Actually, I'm not sure relying too heavily on one component because you've omitted another one constitutes an "excessive demand"--really, it just means your bike's not finished. It's like wearing two sweaters and no pants. Maybe I can start leaving off my tires altogether and some company will come along and make a super-thick inner tube. Or has that happened already? I can't keep track.

But don't expect brakes to make a comeback anytime soon; after all, when you ride with brakes you can't come up with cool names for your stops. I'm fine with that, though. It only expands the market for the Fixie ID.

115 comments:

Seanywonton said...

rIDIN dIRTY!

Anonymous said...

1st loser

Anonymous said...

1st loser

d2p said...

welcome back

Anonymous said...

fifth ??

Anquetil's Mother said...

about freaking time

Hans said...

top ten?

ThadS said...

top ten

rainer said...

top 10 BOYAH

rainer said...

top ten BOYAH

Anonymous said...

leipheimer!

Mad Jack McMad said...

Boom Shanka

Hoser said...

Lawn bowling stop is amusingly accurate. Welcome back, bye!

hillbilly said...

Happy days are here again!!! Welcome back Snob. (the wheelsuckers at nyvelocity wouldn't shut up about you in your absence, by the way)

Leaped or leapt? disgruntl'ed?

nice work seany

benj said...

sandbagging scum

RMM said...

Prolly no longer comments here. Hurt Feelings?

hillbilly said...

I think Shaq might want to beware or this may happen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIW1MAvyPD4

Surly Bastard said...

Thank God you're back! And palping along without missing a beat apparently ... the Lance/Shaq bike was absolutely slaylicous ...

sufferist said...

Welcome back, hope your slaycation met expectations.

We got by on pseudo content and witty retorts. We also saw the birth of the BSexplained blog.

Doug said...

Knog rings will be for sale in Truck stop bathrooms soon enough!

BadBeard said...

WelcomeBack1st!

streepo said...

What a wonderful day. No near death experiences on the ride into work and the snob is back.

Shaqalicious!!

KVonnegut said...

While you were gone, I took the time to peruse your vast archives. Your writing way back then was good, but really lacked cohesiveness. When I read your newest stuff, it's like it's written by a whole 'nother person.

What gives?

Crackhead said...

Top 25

libertyonbikes! said...

finnallllleeeee!
pink tires,
colorway complete? check!

i bet if someone made brakes
(breaks) in colorways....

i think some would trade being
'legit' in order to be 'fashionable'....

rezado said...

The void in my day has been filled.

rezado said...

Was the bikini wax a full brazilian? How could you possibly ride a bike after that?

rightsaid kev said...

lap?

Rantwick said...

Welcome back snob, you seem re-energized if that post is any indication. I'm gonna get some deep rims just so I can label them with AYHCFM!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

"some company will come along and make a super-thick inner tube" --- already done a long time ago


They're called TUBULARS.

Anonymous said...

eh.. the knog cock ring with blinking vagina finder... don't know about that one.

ice cube said...

"Ever ridden home at 3am that whole 3 blocks from the bar and just couldn't deal with having a black tire?" Sheesh...

Udder said...

Snobby wrote: "Also, the Knog you took was down my pants a few times. (You really can put those things anywhere!) So the joke's on you."

I think I know how you wore the battery down.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Leaped, leapt, yep.

Ever useful for identification is the Chinese tattoo.

女 (woman)
男 (man)

And today on the back of a head I saw:

是 (is)

Aren't we all?

Welcome back snob.

Anonymous said...

KARA GOUCHER!!!!! OHHH YEAA!!!

speedwobble said...

bikeknognyc

Udder said...

Placed on the right organ, Knogs will make you stiff but compliant.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

Might I be so bold as to suggest a writing contest, judged by yourself, in which the winner would receive an authentic, autographed BSNYC Knog from your extensive collection? Imagine the contributions to literacy such a quest for enlightenment could produce. Just the thought of it brightens my day.

Anonymous said...

Wish I had some snappy comment, but, really, that was one excellent post!

Luck E. Seven said...

Now Available! Register your Hipster ID Knuckle Tats!!

You could be:

IMAL OSER

or

IMAF AKER

or

MEWA NKER

or

IPRE TEND

or

FAKE RIDR

or

PLAY BIKR


Up the cred when yer dead!



A

bikesgonewild said...

...the wound of yer missing-ness has been kotter-ized...

db said...

Really, you should go ahead and make the Dennis Hopper Twitter parody a regular feature. It's awesome.

Also, props to Leroy.

libertyonbikes! said...

ok,
$49 for some Odyssey 80's bmx rehash? get hutchisons for that.
or
they're sold out in all colors?
or,
i actually checked?
don't know which is worse.

the apocalypse has already suited up, and is on the way i suppose...

Cognorant said...

anon 1:52

I'd be up for a contest but if the prize is a BSNYC Knog it'd now have to be verified non pantsified before I'd want it.

Just sayin..

stream of nothing said...

46th! welcome back snobby

MINGUStheMECHANIC said...

If seven makes shaq a frame, I'm guessing a 36 inch head tube. Forget a race, Shaq and Lance should get in the studio and drop a collabo album with all proceeds going to xtremely tall minorities with cancer who also ride brakeless.

You can remember to put on that dumb ass bracelet put can't remember to take your license,what am I missing?

Anonymous said...

Cognorant,

You bring up an excellent point. I would also have to insist on a no-pantaloons Knog clause. That just wouldn't be hygienic.

grog said...

Snobbie, Glad you have been returned. We will prey fer yer missing knoggie.

Anonymous said...

tread pattern copies big apples

frilly said...

Welcome back Snobby!

Cute tires.

Mingus, bigger picture please.

theshepherdsdog said...

welcome back snobby.

Seanywonton said...

While you sucka's was eatin' barbeque and polishing your "track nuts" this weekend, I was training for first and boy did it pay off! Snob, it's good to have you back. I was pseudo-suicidal at work this week without your musings. Hope you got some good riding in during your vacation, and I also hope you had a chance to get on your bike!

Jim said...

Who rubs brakes?

I highly recommend the rugby stop. You run into whatever you want, then stomp all over what you just hit. *Way* more satisfying method of stopping than brakes. It has almost a zen simplicity to it, which makes it perfect for fixed gear bikes.

Renders Fenders Moot said...

Steel is real. I am pseudo-cidal. I palp the truth in all its shades.

Don't steal a man's blinky, it's been on his winky.

Rock awesome.

Dick Thomchick said...

Is that Elvish inscribed on the rims of the Fairley/Armstrong bike? When is Levi going to get his Bansky bike?

Anonymous said...

2sweaters and no pants. too fucking funny!

to whoever in williamsburg yelled at me for being a salmon on sunday night followed by 'atleast you're wearing a helmet'.. have fun hockey stopping in the rain, jerk.

flaco said...

and just why do you think it was ok to salmon and why is he/she a jerk for calling you out on out?

flaco said...

it, not out.

ant1 said...

Maybe the urge to spawn is stronger than that of following rules?

Anonymous said...

From the Hutchinson press babble:
"rim and tire had to be completely deconstructed"

I just can't wait for their soon to be published semiotic analysis of getting a flat.

VaticDart said...

It makes sense that the fixalites would think that tread enhances traction on pavement. After all, they'd cease to exist if they didn't buy into every marketing ploy that pops up.

Get some brakes and some decent high thread count tires if you want good traction on the wet. You're still screwed on wet road pain though.

Anonymous said...

newsflash: bike brakes are useless on hockey skates. duh.

Seanywonton said...

ant1 said...

"Maybe the urge to spawn is stronger than that of following rules?"

- Most certainly. I just try not to salmon on anything she tells me not to.

Seanywonton said...

http://bamboobikestudio.com/go/

My first reaction is how could this thing last a year? Am I wrong? It looks like it was jointed with duct tape! Snob, please enlighten us! Is there any merit whatsoever to a bike made out of thick grass? Or is this just a potentially genital-maiming time bomb? And for $1000, you could buy a pretty nice steel bike (with gears)that would last a lifetime. Whatever...

Fierce Panties said...

The terminology "Hockey stop" is not very original or creative or inspiring.

And I do have some suggestions:

"Have you ever made a camel spiral and twizzled to a kiss and cry? Well, I've done that too many times especially when the tires seem to free dance and want to pull a haircutter spontaneously. No-what-I-meen??! The best way to avoid that ever dreaded Choctaw turn to Besti Squat is with some lime green Session rubber, my luva! Slay it today, ya don't say, Lay...tah.."

stefan said...

good comeback blog-article.

Fierce Panties said...

anon341,
Like a fish needs a helmet.

Anonymous said...

EATN BEEV--69

Anonymous said...

KNOG LIKR

Anonymous said...

LOVE LAMP

ant1 said...

OKC Triathlon:
1. Swim
2. Eat shit
3. Die
http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/sports/ap/46105987.html

Fierce Panties said...

"I'm guy. I'm a guy on a bike. I'm a guy on a bike next to a woman. She's a gal on a bike. My little league team came in second place one year. Another year me and my friends built a jump out of plywood. That was sweet. Once I sprained my ankle and that sucked. I have a friend who fell on some ice one spring. That sucked too. But that's just how I feel about it. And that's who I am. That's just how I rock it. Fuck it. Fuck em all."

Anonymous said...

I guess one of those Knogs would do in a pinch if you left your cock ring at home. Too small for me, but whatever floats yer boat...

Fierce Panties said...

I always thought of OK as a state with clear, clean, crystal blue waterways.

Fierce Panties said...

anon516, It fits all dick sizes. Didn't you read the instructions? It's not that hard to get a Knog on your penis.

Anonymous said...

Snob, you said:
"Actually, I'm not sure relying too heavily on one component because you've omitted another one constitutes an "excessive demand"--

What is the omitted component to which you are referring? I was thinking it was a "brain", but you seemed to be thinking "brake". Oh well, they both begin with "bra".

Anonymous said...

Haven't we all realized that a bicycle tire can slip on certain wet surfaces without hydroplaning? That should be a non-issue by now...

Anonymous said...

snobby!

Isolation Helmet said...

I watched Levi blow it yesterday on the TV. After all the talk of saving themselves for the third week and about how they have not expended the energy of the other teams Astana really showed em!

Go Di Luca!

leroy said...

BSNYC --

Welcome back!

From the picture, it looks like you had a good vacation.

http://tinyurl.com/ofdx6a

db -- thanks!

Dee Kellan said...

Thank goodness someone has finally made a tire in Pepto-Bismol Pink! It should look totally FAB on my 1981 rattlecanned custom peach-colored-Peugeot with chopped flat bars and electrical tape for grips! I can hardly wait to show my Hipster friends how much more original I am than they are!

David said...

The Memorial Day stretch was boring without you. Glad to have you back where you belong.

Anonymous said...

ID for Nobr Akes

ORGN DONR

Anonymous said...

If your going to rock 38c tyres for doing "tricks" on your fixie. Why not just get a BMX or a mountain bike and do tricks on that?

Anonymous said...

i hope you saw the dell "fixie" laptop on trackosaurus rex today

Anonymous said...

aw fuck this shit

Anonymous said...

The same page that explains why bicycles do not hydroplane also explains why you wouldn't need to replace the tires once they wear down below the tread, unless the fabric is showing.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm waay too lazy to look. Is the 327 comments last post drew a record number?

frilly said...

Leroy, nice bike. White bar tape is so PRO. And your feed zone looked positively gourmet.

Pooptard said...

Don't forget... Reynold's day approaches this weekend.


Thank you BSNYC for referencing the work of S. Brown.

Fred Zeppelin said...

Fierce Panties, I like your re-wording on the descriptions of bike manouvers. Are you somehow channeling Carcoat Damphands?

(he's the auction/used car expert on Sniffpetrol.com)

Anonymous said...

fastest bike on clist:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/1188269392.html

Snappy Carrot said...

Luck E. Seven:

Respect your Elders!

Okay, okay... I'm hard-up and this is just a pathetic defense of my lameness.

pelon said...

thank you from us all

Ronsonic said...

The fog of snoblessness is gone and there is now joy in the land again.

cyclotourist said...

How to

cyclotourist said...

ride

cyclotourist said...

your first

cyclotourist said...

century!

DUSTER said...

Hey bikesnob have you ever ridden a fixed gear bicycle?

Luck E. Seven said...

Snaps 12:16-

Suck WHAT?


102!


A

Fierce Panties said...

FredZep,

I checked Snill Petrol, and I agree, it sounds like I am suspiciously riding the train of Mr Damphands, although until this morning I have never heard of the bloke.

Mallorquista said...

RTMS
Great return post.
You should post to "missed connections" on craigslist for person who boosted your Knog.

Anonymous said...

as per my previous comment about salmoning.. i say its ok if a street is dead and you're trying to get to a neighboring street that much quicker. sure you cant do that with a car but whatevs.. id say its much worse to salmon in heavy traffic and put other cyclists/yourself in serious danger

Anonymous said...

Shaq and shack are homophones, not homonyms. Same sound, different spelling.

Anonymous said...

i want to help you increase your twitter perusing efficiency. instead of going to shaq's page you can click the text underneath the message saying "in reply to" and it'll take you right to the initial message.

hearing aids said...

I hate when i lock into a hockey skid and peel out.

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