Brad not only looks like that guy from Queens of the Stone Age, but he also looks really fit, which is bad news for me since we're going to "slay" a road ride and I'll probably get "dropped" like a new fixed-gear product. Moreover, Brad is soon to find out that my company is slightly less scintillating than that of the tree with which he is pictured, so my plan is to spike his Enervit with neuroenhancing drugs so that I'll seem more interesting. After than, we'll have lunch, at which point he will be mobbed for autographs by Queens of the Stone Age fans and I'll be left sobbing in my "Moons Over My Hammy." (Brad doesn't yet know I'm taking him to Denny's.)
Speaking of drugs, you've probably heard by now that baseball-playing guy Manny Ramirez has been suspended for doping. Now, I have no interest in baseball, partially because it's arguably an SIB (or "Sport Involving Belts"), and also because I was once knocked out by an aluminum bat at day camp and have not been right since. Nonetheless, I was especially amused by this comment from Ramirez:
Unfortunately, the medication was banned under our drug policy. Under the policy that mistake is now my responsibility. I have been advised not to say anything more for now. I do want to say one other thing; I’ve taken and passed about 15 drug tests over the past five seasons. [emphasis mine]
15 drug tests in five seasons? Please. Passing three tests a year is nothing to brag about. Lance Armstrong gets tested 15 times during a single episode of "Gossip Girl." (I hear he never misses an episode.) Anyone who follows the sport of cycling knows that these baseball guys are obviously way behind the curve. If doping and drug testing were fashion, cycling would be downtown New York City and baseball would be some rural eastern European town where people have just discovered the Beatles and they're finally getting episodes of "Mister Ed." Now, don't get me wrong--I think incessant testing is absurd. However, as a jaded cycling fan who's beyond tired of the sport's obsession with doping, I'm perversely pleased that at least baseball fans now have to deal with it too.
And with that, I'm presenting you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think carefully, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it, and if you're wrong you'll see what is either a bicycle safety PSA or an anti-LSD PSA, I'm not entirely sure which.
Ride safe this weekend, and go easy on the hallucinogens. Oh, and if you're in Minneapolis go see Stevil of HTATBL's art show (which you can enjoy with or without hallucinogens).
1) This picture, forwarded by a reader in Geneva, Switzerland, is evidence that:
--Geneva needs more bike racks
--Dutch city bikes and fixed-gears have begun to breed
--The Loch Ness Monster may have relocated, as its head is visible through that tri-spoke
--Jan Ullrich is at a nearby bakery, as this is clearly his bike
2) This bicycle is remarkable because:
--It appears to have a TTMMM (Top Tube-Mounted Mini Maglite)
--It appears to have a spare tire lodged in the spokes
--Those appear to be the very pedals on which Bernard Hinault won the Tour de France in 1985
--All of the above
3) Locking a folding bike outside is like:
--Using an eccentric rear hub on a bike with track ends
--Using a pie plate on a fixed-gear
--Riding a tandem by yourself
--All of the above
4) Good news for bicycle commuters! New York City has finally implemented a new bike lane concession program!
5) What are these?
--Part of the overhead cam assembly on a 1978 Suzuki GS750
--Worn bushings from a Mavic freehub
--Some goofy bike rack in Seattle
6) Where in Canada can you find these bike racks, from which bikes can be stolen by removing a single bolt?
7) Which is not a good reason to buy this bike, which was for sale this morning in Brooklyn?
--You often travel with a small dog
--Your Dutch city bike is too "racy"
--You're in a hurry
--Water bottle bosses mean you stay hydrated without taking up valuable basket space
8) The owner of this bike wants to trade it for a:
--90s Redline BMX
--80s Italian road bike
--Dutch city bike
--Danish cargo bike
9) Why is this car ironic?
--It's in the bike lane
--It's a New York Yankees car with New Jersey plates
--The dashboard sported an "Official MLB Urine Collection Vehicle" parking permit
--Manny Ramirez was driving
***Special Wheelbrow-Themed Bonus Question***
Which pro cyclist palps a fixed-gear with fenders?
--Christian Vande Velde