Monday, April 13, 2009

What's In A Name: The Key to Victory

As you've no doubt seen, heard, or read by now, Tom Boonen won Paris-Roubaix yesterday for the third time. Meanwhile, George Hincapie, the Eddy Merckx of dejected post-race interviews, finished in 44th place due to an untimely puncture. (George Hincapie is also the Eddy Merckx of untimely mechanical problems.) Dejectedly, Hincapie told both Versus viewers and the "Twitterati" that he's "not going out like that" and that he'll be back next year:


I admit I'm one of those people who maintains hope that Hincapie will one day win Paris-Roubaix, despite year after year of punctures, wheel failures, broken steer tubes, poor team support, and headlong spills into muddy drainage ditches. I'm also glad to see that Hincapie himself remains undaunted and intends to return next year, despite a Classics campaign that can best be described as "tragicomic." After all, there's a fine line between determination and futility, and I feel that when it comes to his Roubaix bids Hincapie balances himself upon this line perfectly, like seven Chinese gymnasts on a bicycle.

So once again, I find myself struggling to come to terms with the fact that Hincapie's Roubaix went characteristically awry, and a crucial component of this struggle is understanding how exactly Tom Boonen won. At first glance, this would appear to be simple. Boonen's victory was just a combination of natural talent, good preparation, good luck, smart riding, and a strong team, right? Well, those things might be part of it, but it takes more than that to win a bike race. Specifically, it takes a good bike. Even more specifically, it takes a good bike with a bottom bracket shell that's...beefy. And this year, Boonen came to Paris-Roubaix with one of the...beefiest bottom bracket shells ever wrought by human hands:



I couldn't find any pictures of the bottom bracket shell on George Hincapie's bike, which leads me to suspect that it may not have been...beefy enough. But I also suspect that Hincapie's problems were not caused by insufficient...beefiness alone. When it comes to bike racing, the most important factor of all--more important than a strong team, or good luck, or proper training, or even a...beefy bottom bracket shell--is an inspirational nickname and matching top-tube decal:


We've seen the power of decals in the past. How could anybody possibly lose a bike race on a bicycle equipped with a decal like this? Not only does it feature an alliterative weather-themed nickname, but it also features a cartoon tornado leaving a rainbow-hued path of destruction in its wake. In fact, of the three podium finishers yesterday, two had weather-themed sobriquets:




Not only is Tom Boonen "Tornado Tom," but Thor Hushovd, who finished third, is often called the "God of Thunder." Thunder. As far as I know, Filippo Pozzato does not have a weather-themed nickname (his nickname is "Pippo), but he does have both a techno-tastic Euro-style website and a Jheri curl hairstyle, which when taken together constitute a weather event in and of themselves--that being a "cheese storm." So considering Hincapie was up against a tornado, thunder, and a cheese storm (which, coincidentally, is the combination of events which caused life to emerge from the primordial soup), poor Hincapie didn't stand a chance.

At this point you may argue that nicknames need to be earned, and that Tornado Tom is only Tornado Tom because he's already "stormed to victory" a bunch of times. This is ridiculous. A professional bike racer should be given every advantage possible. Does Hincapie's team make him ride a crappy bike just because he hasn't won Paris-Roubaix yet? Of course not--he's given the best equipment to which the team has access. So why couldn't his team give him an awesome nickname too? The only nickname I ever hear for Hincapie is "Big George," and putting "Big" before a person's name is the lamest, most rudimentary form of nicknaming there is. It's like repairing a bike frame by wrapping duct tape around it. So since this is possibly the bell lap of Hincapie's Roubaix career, it's essential that his team provide him with a professional-level nickname before that metaphorical final sprint next year.

I'll be the first to admit that this is no easy task, principally because George's name starts with "G," and there's not a lot of intimidating weather that starts with "G." Actually, the only thing I could come up with was "graupel," which is sort of like hail. However, "Graupel George" doesn't sound particularly intimidating. Also, according to Wikipedia, graupel "will typically fall apart when touched," and while that might make "Graupel George" a fitting nickname in the context of his previous Roubaix attempts, Hincapie really needs a nickname that's going to allude to his strengths rather than underscore his weaknesses. The other possibility, of course, is to use his last name instead of his first name, which obviously clears the way for "Hurricane Hincapie." However, not only is this too long and unwieldy for top-tube use, but it's also likely to backfire in the form of providing the basis for jokes about how hard he blows.

As such, it's worth looking at where Hushovd and Boonen got their nicknames. Obviously, Hushovd's is mostly luck, since he's Norwegian and his first name is Thor. However, Tom Boonen's is a bit more esoteric. Sure, the alliteration might seem obvious, but my research reveals that his nickname is actually lifted from a 1940s superhero:



Here is the story of Tornado Tom's origins:

Swept up by a tornado, the man who became Tornado Tom spent several hours "whirled above the Earth", before finally coming back down to ground unharmed save for amnesia. The only clue to who he had been were the farmer's overalls he wore. Discovering his experience had given him superhuman powers, and with no life to return to, he became a crimefighter.

Now, I'm not a comic book fan, but I'd be surprised if there were another superhero with a more boring backstory. Incidentally, slightly more interesting than this amnesiac farmer-turned-crimefighter is Tornado Tom's British counterpart, simply called "The Tornado:"


Here's his story:

Steve Storm harboured a great secret - the thirteenth member of the Storm family, he escaped the Curse of Grosta after 500 years. As a result "the mighty force of the Storms thundered into the soul of Steve, that this young hero might, at will, transform into the giant superman of justice, whirlwind prince of the storms - Tornado."

The Tornado is even more exciting than my previous favorite British superhero, Slightly-Above-Average Man, who possessed a superhuman knowledge of postal codes, the ability to fry kippers with his mind, and the power to predict bus arrival times with deadly accuracy. In any case, it's too bad Hincapie wasn't born with a convenient name like "Steve Storm," because that's got weather built in, and all you'd have to do is put a "The" in front of it, making him "The Steve Storm." You really wouldn't even need the tornado part at all.

Since this isn't the case, maybe Hincapie should just use his bike porn name. Then he could be Scott Blueridge. It's not intimidating, but at least it's slightly suggestive.

121 comments:

Tim said...

cool

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Shram said...

yikes

monoarchitect said...

yesssss

Mister Grammar said...

himpself?

first real comment

Pack Phil said...

puncture

mikeweb said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

so close

ant1 said...

Snobby - I only count six chinese clowns/gymnasts.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Ant1,

Someone sent me that link and the description said "seven" so I suspect there may be another one on there somewhere.

--BSNYC

ant1 said...

Snobby - I'd hate to find out where (s)he may be hiding.

mikeweb said...

Check the photo captions of Hincapie on VeloNews website today. A couple of them refer to him as Georgia Hincapie. Maybe they know something that we don't...

http://www.velonews.com/article/90463/boonen-blitzes-paris-roubaix

ringcycles said...

Palping a Hammond again! Darn those flats

Anonymous said...

ok, so while watching Paris Roubaix on Versus on Sunday I was informed that it was being sponsored by a certain candy bar manufacturer whose was urging me to:

Ride the Four Horsemen of the Satisfocalypse


what gives? Is this hot alpaca breath I'm sensing?

jza said...

Dejected George?

It's got a ring to it.

Anonymous said...

Global Warming George.

ant1 said...

or Curious (about what winning Roubaix feels like) George.

Bill said...

hurricane jorge

Anonymous said...

If he won the world champs could we call him Curious George?

Until then Hop-a-long Hincapie?

Bill said...

glaciating george

Anonymous said...

Rucksack Georgia

Bill said...

jihad george

Bill said...

george the scourge.

ok, i'm done. sorry

Astroluc said...

damn... missed the top 20...

may you cut through traffic like a Ginsu knife of truth.

Anonymous said...

my nickname is Ken"Boonen"

Anonymous said...

Hail Hincapie ... le double entendre

Bill said...

geo-george? kinda like "all world"? and maybe a car endorsement could come with it?

mikeweb said...

Georgia Hincapie. Nice of VeloNews to add insult to injury -or maybe Graham Watson.

Anonymous said...

http://www.hincapiedenim.com/

ant1 said...

George Incapable?

Anonymous said...

oh my. the music on that website, the fake tiger growl. I'm buying some Hincapie jeans right now.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bi-curious George?

Luck E. said...

Sooooo BEEFY!


A

ant1 said...

or Lance's Lapdog, which doesn't quite work anymore.

I don't know why I'm being so mean in my nickname suggestions. George is, in my not-so-humble opinion, one of the good guys in the peloton. He always races smart and selfless (except in Roubaix, go figure) and seems to be a damn good mentor to the younger guys on Columbia.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 2:09pm,

Jeans, resorts, cycling apparel...George has his fingers in many cheeses.

--BSNYC

Bill said...

true dat, ant1, maybe generous george? or maybe forget using the first name and just go with 'the guru' though he may have to change bikes then...

Anonymous said...

Big Cheese Hincapie.

Cognorant said...

How 'bout "Slappy Hincapie", "Nappy Hincapie", or "Happy Hincapie.

Not the most inspirational I'll admit.

Anonymous said...

Gentle Rain George

Anonymous said...

"Hincrashie"- fairly obvious

ant1 said...

generous george wouldn't inspire much fear in his opponents. The Guru is much better.

ant1 said...

Hincrashie - good one.

ant1 said...

I hope George reads this post, and the comments. A little humor could probably do him some good after yesterday.

Jim said...

So, are you saying that Gentle George needs a hot beef injection?

I too root for Hincapie, but the whole enterprise gives off a Cubs fan vibe.

grog said...

One of the Chinese acrobatic cyclists must have had a tragicomic incident. Quick, call Tornado Tom.

Cognorant said...

Or you go with the first syllable, last name alliteration and options such as...."Livin to Win Hincapie", "Thickskin Hincapie" or "Take It On the Chin Hincapie".

bikesgonewild said...

...wow..."the Eddy Merckx of dejected post-race interviews"...i almost stopped reading, right there...sad & beautifully true...maybe sez more than should be said...

...looking at the foto of tommeke's bottom bracket & knowing the physical nature of paris-roubaix, i'd venture to say there's a lotta lateral stiffness n' vertical compliance-y going on there...
...just a guess...

...george hincapie..."the heart break kid" w/ apologies to shawn micheals of the wwe...

libertyonbikes! said...

Blueridge?
Too close ro Blue Ball,
maybe it's appropriate.

No satisfying finish.

libertyonbikes! said...

Maybe King George?
That little boost of 'knowing'
and living up to a nickname.

Maybe just ...chuka cabra?
Drop the George part

brent said...

Hincrappie, right.

stuggy said...

Ant1, 2:14-

I'm with you on George. He really is one of the good guys in the peloton. I'm sorry he didn't get Paris-Roubaix again this year. He says he likes Spring Classics so much, and each year, it's just a shame. Of course, nothing beat the year his steer tube broke. I would have been way pissed if I were in his position, looking for serious Great Trek Bicycle Making heads to roll after that fiasco.

bikesgonewild said...

...i have to ask...is the implication that seven chinese acrobats on one bicycle could do better in paris-roubaix than george ???...
...'cuz that would be kinda harsh...i mean, sorta, at least...

Anonymous said...

Hailstorm Hincapie?

Anonymous said...

HINCRASHIE !

Brilliant.
High-five yourself on that one, please.

Between the Michael Ball-rip-off Denim Empire and the Training Village, the Hincapies have their post-Roubaix hands full....no wonder they can't produce a team kit order without screwing it up: all the QA people are busy developing beefy bottom brackets!

Critical Ass said...

Since it is the bell lap of his career, maybe he can be the O.G.

leroy said...

I would have been here sooner, but I had a mechanical.

Did I miss anything?

ka_jun said...

Wouldn't that make Hincapie the Cypress Hill of cycling?

Tim- said...

DELUGEorge

southpole said...

im not sure i believe that tornado origin story.
isnt a tornado similar to the air flow pattern in your nose when doing a long line of coke (and possibly getting a booner from it and believing you have superpowers)

bikesgonewild said...

...leroy...time to grab the mechanical 'bull' by the proverbial horns...ole', amigo...

red neckerson said...

me and ricky we likes george hes a good old boy and wed likes to see him win so this is whats we is going to do

were inventing right here in now the paris-rousseau road race

its from paris kentucky to rousseau kentucky we aint got no roubaix but we gots verseilles and rousseau sounds pretty damm french to me and its only an hour north of viper

so we gets a bunch of racers to go from paris to rousseau which is 106 miles which is a good length for a pro road race i figure

it cuts right thru dan boone national forest and it real pretty this time of year

best yet you aint gots a bunch of smelly french people yelling at you in stuff you caint figure out what there saying

as a bonus everbody hast to ride a huffy diamondback or mongoose from walmart except for jerk off george who gets to ride anything he wants

jolenes getting rcih enough from all that gator porn shes shooting so that she could prolly be one of the sponsors

keystone beer could be the other

it works for me

Mike Owens said...

While riding in Flanders last year, we helped a young (around 18) Flemish racer with a flat ("his father usually changes his tires for him") at the foot of the Molenberg. He and his friends are fans of George Hincapie and Hincapie's nickname over there is "Captain Blueheart". He never explained the derivation to us though.
-Mike

smelllvin said...

Humbolt Fog Hincapie

Very lame, but it does have cheese and weather references.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC -

Too bad George is riding Scott this year.

Had you come up with this method of bike porn naming last year when he riding Giant bikes, his name could have been Giant Caesars Head (name of his favorite climb in S.C.) – not the least bit suggestive…

Jason Morris said...

Remember the old wrestler George the Animal Steele? George H is too nice. He needs to grow thick back hair and slobber green goo while grunting incoherently.

Surly Bastard said...

Today's post Hincapularious. In a big way.

Anonymous said...

A bit obvious and more offensive than I usually choose to be but given his Roubaix results:

"George Handicapie"

Anonymous said...

It was the Daily News that had the caption: Seven Chinese gymnasts balance on a bicycle

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/us_world/galleries/top_pics_apr_5__apr_11/top_pics_apr_5__apr_11.html#ph8

octopus magic said...

rtms,

when talking about tornado themed people, how could you leave out the 70's blaxsploitation hero, the human tornado, starring rudy ray moore??


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xqu3p_dolemite-ii-the-human-tornado-trail

does he rhyme a lot?

LeCashier said...

To borrow from ant1 how bout
Ain't1st Hincapie

BikeSnobNYC said...

Octopus Magic,

You're absolutely right! I'm totally kicking myself right now. That narrows George's nickname down to "Avenging Disco Georgefather" or "Avenging Disco Hincapie."

--RTMS

Anonymous said...

why not call him George "G-Man" Hincapie

Mongo Pusher said...

Slappy Hincapie from South Cackalacky!

ant1 said...

I like "the Georgefather"

red neckerson said...

yep if keystone sponsors the paris-rousseau race we could say
yor beers always smooth even ifn yor road aint

then we could get some pubicity pictures of smelly french fellers gatoring in the mud and stuff and puts some brochures up in the lexington fern bars and bob roll and dick pound will write some overpriced coffee table bullshit book about the race and well all be rich and i can finally get off pubic assistance

RoCoach said...

Gale-Force George

ant1 said...

We've spent a lot of time discussing George, but have you guys seen his wife? Definitely rideable.

brettok said...

'Handicapie' and 'Ain't1st' are winners! Unlike George....

Tullius Paganus said...

Graviton George?

Either one of the fundamental force carriers, or a mistakenly hypothesized elementary particle.

The jury's still out ...

innerlighter said...

Considering his wife, as you point out Ant1, is French, how about...

"Des Orages George" (Stormy George)

His relationship with the classics certainly fits that moniker.

Or maybe just simply...

meh.

Scott said...

most boring post evar

Russ said...

Furious George?

Anonymous said...

Gravity Storm

Anonymous said...

Gorgeous George... introducing a pave-washed line of premium denim jeans that'll give Michael Ball a run for his money.

Ai Lu said...

Look up what "hincapie" means in Spanish and maybe it will give you some ideas for a nickname.

hacer hincapie = to insist on, to demand, to emphasis, to stress (not much here to work on)

However, add one more letter and you get HINCHA-PIE, which means "inflated foot" in Spanish.

And HINCHA-PELOTAS means someone who has inflated balls = a real pain.

Andy Pandy said...

Look at poor Tommeke's bitch of a week, having to haul Pippo around last week and at the P-R. This weekend he even handi-Hincapied himself by getting off and changing bikes to a unicycle mid race. Class

Carlos from Philly said...

Best entry in for ever.

Out of curiosity though, what comes after final sprint?

Just in case, i mean.

Anonymous said...

Pauvre George.

I think he's really alright too and I'm almost sorry for calling him Global Warming George but here's my assessment: George needs to get pissed off to win Roubaix.

He is such a nice boy. Politically correct wearing nice jeans that feature a pre recorded tiger growl techno advert. Living a happy and content life and getting paid to do so. The veritable American dream. His wife is lovely too, but even pretty girls like an occasionally tough boy.

He needs some of that European moodiness to liven up his racing, some balls out I am frustrated by life, enough that maybe I need some cocaine escapism or some other kind of escapism in bottle form or in Hincrashie's case, ruthlessness on a bicycle form. I think good George just needs to let himself get angry. It's ok. Ask Lance. Really... anger in its most sublime form can be clarity; so George.... take that broken steerer handlebar thingy, the flats, the mud, the bad nicknames contained herein, and get mad. Stop being a good American boy and get ticked off and be emotional and learn how to whisper sweet nothings to your adrenaline glands, come what may.

Signed,
good luck next year.
signed,
drunk and right.

drunk and right said...

well, either of those names will do

bikesgonewild said...

...drunk & right...you ARE quite right, sir...

...you can't let anger consume you but you can certainly use the emotion as a powerful & worthwhile working tool......

...just need to keep it reined in enough to control it...

Jay said...

I bought a new (used) bike today. It has a pie plate which I might never remove.

AYHSMPP

c_c_rider said...

another year and more excuses. let's see... if george isn't blaming his team he blames bad luck (ok so the steerer tube failure wasn't his fault, but to see him in past years choosing to ride deep v carbon rims vs the tried and true box section rims with 28mm handmade tubulars that all the belgians use is asking for mechanicals in a race like p-r) or we hear some other excuse. how about just admitting that he just didn't have it, yet again. this time he had a few teammates with him and they couldn't close a gap to the leaders... they were too weak, period. enough with this coulda shoulda woulda bs.

Anonymous said...

A George, divided against itself, Cannot Stand!

Anonymous said...

Himicane Hincapie

Hurricane is way to fem . . .



PS - The seventh chinese gymnast is a chimera named tyler wangster


Hand Solo

ant1 said...

Ain't1st should be my racing nickname.

ant1 said...

by the way, did you dudes see the preview for a Hincapie documentary on bikerumor.com? Looks fairly good.

Anonymous said...

What about "Gyre George"?
See bases of meteorlogical alliteration at:
# A convection of the summer monsoon circulation of the western North Pacific characterized by 1) a very large nearly circular low level cyclonic ...
frozone.itsc.uah.edu:8080/LEAD_Glossary/m.jsp

# A closed, symmetric circulation at 850 hPa with horizontal extent of 25° latitude that persists for at least two weeks. ...
www.meted.ucar.edu/tropical/textbook/ch10/tropcyclone_glossary.html

Greg said...

just do it Sheldon Brown style:

George "Not going out like that" Hincapie

worm irks said...

looks around...

worm irks said...

100!

Forrest said...

George rode a trek for years and thats part of his classics campaign problem. I bet him veering off into the ditch with a broken steerer tube did wonders for Trek sales that year. Also the reason good old Lance never stepped to this race is because he knew his trek would never make it to see the end of the race!

Anonymous said...

Hincapie jeans are today's featured item on CompetitiveCyclist.com. For @$140 you can be a stylin' dude/dudette, or you could go to the Salvation Army and get the same look for $4.99. You decide.

Anonymous said...

but does the zipper break at exactly the wrong moment?

Anonymous said...

I think that they come pre-distressed and disabled...

Anonymous said...

Somewhat off-theme but how about the Varicose aVenger? VeryClose Varicose? I am glad he hardly wins so I do not have see photos of his left leg as he stands of the podium.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 11:42am...how about a compromise between the over expensive designer jeans & the bargain basement finds ???...

...real levi 501 button front's in blue or even black denim for under 40 bucks...brand new, break 'em in yerself & kickin' ass at lookin' good...

...i was told they're still "the jeans" in europe...hard to get & mucho dinero over there...what the cool kids ride, rock n' roll with when they're really hip...

red neckerson said...

im getting nervous

bikesgonewild said...

...red neckerson...don't try n' pass yerself off as some kinda country hick...

...we've read yer thoughts & ideas...

...you, sir, are obviously a man w/ a vision...

...although ya might get yer ass kicked by the occasional canadian who's passing through viper...

ant1 said...

the 501s are still huge in Europe. I've switched to the 517s myself. they match my mtn rims.

Anonymous said...

My jeans don't have any numbers, my quest for coolness has once again been subverted by the Jeanitary Industrial Complex....

-Anon 11:42

Vic DeMille said...

Well, Bike Snob. There is hope for this name. (and i also want Big George to take this classic) but the biggest monster climb in Greenville is Panther Mountain which is now even more exotic that it is behind the gate of a very exclusive gated community called The Cliffs. (http://www.102panthermountainroad.com/wfMoreInformationDetails.aspx?Data=a8812941-b5a3-4795-a403-4e18ec2a72ff) So Scott Panther may be getting somewhere. The weekly rides: there are two-- 1 to Saluda, NC and 2. The Tuesday night races at Donaldson Air Force Base. So Scott Air Force might be a bit better?

Or he could just start putting some of that green goop in his tires!

Vive La George!

Anonymous said...

You're saying he suffers from occasional misfortune? So, it's not weather related, but it is a nickname and it is alliterative. And as Meat Loaf says - two out of three ain't bad. What about "hiccuppy Hincapie"?

Paul Bowen said...

Fry a kipper? That's just straightforward smoked fish abuse. Grilled with a little butter or, my preference, poached please. Hungry now.

Goggles Piasano Ritardo said...

NICE

Anonymous said...

LOL Cock Step

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