This Just In: BSNYC Used As Bait!

If you're a reader of the "Bloggie Award"-winning Fat Cyclist blog (I'm not sure what a "Bloggie" is but I think it's the Canadian term for "snot rocket"), you probably know by now that he's just announced a contest wherein the winner will travel to New York City and meet me. If you're not a reader of the Fat Cyclist blog, it's a comedy cycling blog written by a guy named Fat Cyclist who just announced a contest wherein the winner will travel to New York City and meet me.

I'm flattered that Fat Cyclist thinks anybody would want to meet me. Rest assured that I myself do not labor under the misapprehension that people want to meet me, but apparently Fatty does, and it's his contest. Furthermore, the contest is for a good cause, so who am I to deny him? Plus, when you really think about it, the contest isn't about me--it's about a free trip to New York City. Maybe you've never been here, or you have a friend or relative you'd like to visit. So even if you don't want to meet me, you should still enter the contest, and I'm happy to leave you alone for the duration of your stay if you'd like. And, if you don't want to travel to New York City for any reason or meet me but do want a BSNYC smock, you've got the opportunity to win one of those too.

But if you do want to come to New York City and meet me for some reason and get a smock, rest assured I'll be happy to receive you and I'll do my best to be a gracious host. Fatty's done a good job of outlining the parameters on his site, but I would like to add that while I don't know what we'll do together I'm willing to work with you and tailor something based on your personal interests. (Unless your personal interests are repugnant and offensive to me. I'm looking at you, triathletes!) Just a few things I can think of off the top of my head are:

--We can go for a road ride (you should probably bring your own bike);
--We can go for an offroad ride (you should probably bring your own bike);
--We can ride around the city and look at stuff (you should probably bring your own bike though you're welcome to rub my Scattante. I realize that sounds disgusting, but rest assured it just means I'll lend you my Empire State Courier);
--We can make prank phone calls to "Bicycling" magazine;
--We can fire up the BSNYC/RTMS Wednesday Afternoon Recreation Kit and procrastinate;
--You could help me do my laundry;
--We can go see the hit Broadway musical "Mamma Mia!," provided you pay. I will then excuse myself to go to the restroom as soon as the curtain goes up and you will never, ever see me again;
--Beach party!!!

Anyway, if you think my taking part in this contest smacks of shark-jumping, I'd argue that a "charitable collabo" is not the same as shark-jumping. Plus Fatty was once a Mormon missionary, and I think he did some kind of mind control thing on me. (He's all affable on his blog, but in real life he's evil like Harry Dean Stanton on "Big Love." I on the other hand am evil on my blog, but am affable yet moody in real life like Harry Dean Stanton in "Pretty in Pink.") And if you do decide to enter the contest, I wish you the best of luck, and I promise you a trip to New York City you'll never remember.