Misinformation: Simple Bikes Can Do Amazing Things

("No Bicycles or Dogs Allowed": even crabon feels anti-veloism's cruel sting.)

As the days when the "fixed-gear culture" was an egalitarian utopia which anybody could join recede further into the past, I find myself growing increasingly nostalgic. That's why I'm very pleased to announce that I've discovered a fixed-gear documentary made during the "Fixed-Gear Golden Age" (which most fixed-gear historians agree occurred sometime last summer) that sums up the entire phenomenon poignantly, elegantly, and succinctly:


This video is stuffed full of facts like a fakenger's Chrome bag is stuffed full of wadded up newspaper. Just a few of these facts include:

--Fixed-gear bicycles have no gears or brakes;
--Fixed-gears have a "direct drive system similar to a tricycle";
--Riders "must lock up their legs and skid their bikes to a stop";
--And, according to an interviewee, "You're in total control...there's no brake levers and anything like that you have to rely on."

And so forth.

If you're the skeptical type, you may have found yourself questioning some of these facts as you watched. For example, if fixed-gear bicycles have "no gears," then why are they called "fixed-gears?" Secondly, if fixed-gear bicycles are defined by their lack of brakes, then how come one with a brake on the front rolled through the shot the moment the narrator said that?

Well, all I can tell you is, if you don't know then you were never really a part of the "scene" and you don't understand the fixed-gear experience. It's a Zen thing. You feel totally connected to the bike. By the way, here's another interesting fact about fixed-gears from the video:

"Simple bikes can do amazing things. Like riding backwards, bouncing on a rear wheel, and even standing motionless. Tricks that would be all but impossible on regular bikes."

So basically, if you're not interested in getting to your destination and prefer to stand still or bounce up and down, or you actually want to get farther away from your destination than you were when you started out, a fixed-gear bicycle is a good choice. And don't try to bounce on your rear wheel or stand motionless on a non-fixed-gear bike. I think you'll find it totally impossible.

By the way, Eugene, OR must have a terrible problem with people not cleaning up after their dogs, because there was shot after shot of riders scraping the bottoms of their shoes on their front wheels:



Anyway, this video should give you a pretty good idea of what you missed. It's like watching documentaries about the 60s and wishing you had been there so you could have partaken in all the free drugs and sex. But now it's all over. "Fixed-gear culture" has had its metaphorical Altamont. (Thanks entirely to this guy, who looks like he's about to pick his nose.) Even people already grandfathered into the "scene" are decamping. Like this guy:




Looking for a road bike for a one way trip
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 1:33AM EDT

Looking to ride out to Chicago this summer. I've been riding fixies and SS bikes for a long time. Have used geared bikes for some competitions but those were borrowed from my friends. Looking for a reliable, geared bike to get me out west. Nothing special or even pretty, looking strictly for reliability. Preferably something a little older, steel framed. Looking to do a tuneup without buying specialized parts.

hit me up kiddies.

Here's somebody who's been a dedicated fixed-gear and singlespeed rider and doesn't even own a geared bike. Now suddenly he wants to ride all the way to Chicago, so he expects people to fall all over themselves to equip him with a geared bike. Frankly, I think the "geared bike culture" should turn on this person the same way the "fixed-gear culture" turned on those "TRAkTION" guys last week. I don't ride around on geared bikes exclusively, backpedaling furiously at red lights in order to rub my ability to coast in fixed-gear riders' faces (backpedaling furiously at red lights is the "geared bike culture" equivalent of trackstanding) and then suddenly demand cycledom provide me with a fixed-gear bike because I've decided I want to do Monstertrack. What ever happened to starting small?

Also, cyclists who undertake ridiculously long bicycle trips seem to think that they're performing a public service and that other cyclists should help them and encourage them. They act like medieval heroes who are going off to slay some dragon, and they expect the village to give them provisions and a big sendoff and celebrate their bravery. I couldn't disagree more. I don't help strangers with their vacations to the Bahamas, so why should I help them with their recreational bike tours? It's like this guy has only snorkeled but now he wants to do a deep dive so he's looking for someone to hook him up with a cheap SCUBA tank.

Even worse than touring cyclists who don't own geared bikes are triathletes who don't own bikes at all:





Triathlon Bike Needed!!!
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-16, 11:27AM EDT

I am entered and I am training for the NYC Triathlon in July 2009. I have been on a tredmill and bike trainer all winter long...Now that it is nice I want to get on a BIKE and get used to it before the race. I have very little extra funds for a BIKE and would like beg, barrow, or deal for one until after the race is over. I am 5'10" and looking for something that would be a good fit. Hopefully someone looking to get rid of a BIKE or let me barrow one can help.

I live in Queens and work in Midtown so I can meet almost anywhere for someone willing to help out...

Why is it that some people feel they need to go from not owning a bicycle at all to competing on one? What's wrong with simply owning and riding a bike for awhile first, and maybe doing a running race in the meantime? By the way, the New York City Triathlon is a huge event--over 3,000 people "compete" in it. I cannot imagine anything more frightening than riding my bike around thousands of anaerobic people wearing Lt. Dangle shorts, some of whom did not even own bikes prior to the event.

Anyway, there are plenty of tri bikes on Craigslist this person can purchase--like this one:



This is a sweet ride and is truly state-of-the-art:

First of all, nothing says "speed" like a disc wheel and aerobars coupled with mountain bike pedals. Secondly, note the saddle with the cutout extending all the way through the nose. This is actually a "clipless saddle system" and it's the very latest in time trial technology, though it's difficult to describe without getting too graphic. Basically, the way it works is that the rider hangs his "pants yabbies" in front of the saddle and then slides back, thus locking the crotchal region securely to the saddle--kind of like a door chain lock. In order to release, the rider simply slides forward again. Obviously, no cleat is required, as the "pants yabbies" are effectively the cleat, though you do need to wear the new crotchless cycling shorts. At the moment clipless tri saddles are only available for men, but I understand a new unisex prototype with a totally new engagement system is currently in the works (though word in tri circles is that it can severely compromise performance during the running portion of the race).

Once you've mounted the bike and you're securely locked to the saddle, you then place your forearms on the forearm pads and slowly insert the hydration tube at the front of your bike down your throat. Coming out of your aero tuck to drink can cost precious seconds, and this way you don't have to move. It may not sound like fun, but there's nothing "fun" about improving your personal best.

Lastly, I've just learned from readers that Cannondale has actually been forced to recall a number of bicycles because they are missing their pie plates:


These are pretty high-end bikes, so you'd think a lack of pie plates would be a desirable feature--kind of like seedless grapes. But no, I guess the law calls for "nerd rotors," since they "prevent the bicycle chain from interfering or suddenly stopping the wheel." Yet Cannondale is completely free to sell these pie-plateless machines.

I guess chains don't interfere with the wheel as long as they're purple.