Intimidation: Betraying Looks, Expressive Calves

Celebrities often have stylists who shop for them and dress them. As image-makers, they never know when a camera will find them, so they must look good at all times. Unfortunately, though, celebrities do not hire bicycle stylists, because if they did Jake Gyllenhaal would not be rocking a pie plate on his Madone:




Gyllenhaal is also wearing a Ralpha Classic Sportwool jersey. According to their website, "a good jersey is an indispensable workhorse, performing multiple roles; protecting from the elements, carrying important cargos (from tools and valuables to food), regulating body temperature for maximum performance on the bike." Wow, who knew! They also cover your chest and nipples, the description fails to add. So it's nice to see that Gyllenhaal is using both an indispensable workhorse and a disposable dork disc (or "nerd rotor"). It also picks up the sun nicely, as does his leg hair.

Anyway, brokeback pie plate aside, it's good to see Gyllenhaal out riding on what appears to be a lovely day. He does appear to be eyeing something in the distance with considerable concern though. Could it be an oncoming vehicle? I don't think so. No, any true cyclist knows what that look means. It's a look of fear. Even Gyllenhaal's Oakleys cannot mask the fact that Gyllenhaal has spotted another rider who is clearly his superior in every way: stronger; faster; better-equipped. He's so intimidated that he's probably about to wet his Rapha shorts. And there's only one rider who can inspire that sort of fear. The Lone Wolf.

I happen to know that the Lone Wolf was on the prowl in the Los Angeles area recently, because a reader managed to get some photographs of him in flight:


Gyllenhaal may be a talented actor who can convincingly play a bubble boy, but even he can't keep his face from betraying his true feelings when he encounters cycling greatness:



And this is clearly no casual jaunt for the Lone Wolf, either. He has no less than six bottles of water in his Profile bottle holders, with a seventh in his jersey pocket for good measure. Dehydration shall not find the Lone Wolf. He also doesn't need to be swaddled in Rapha like some sort of simpering manchild. His own jersey carries his "important cargos" just fine--including the most important "cargos" of all, his Discman. He's also left the Lance Armstrong-autographed singlespeed Lotus time trial bike back at the lair, opting instead for a mountain bike complete with wheel cover, kickstand, and front fairing.

And while Gyllenhaal fears the Lone Wolf, pro cyclist- turned-celebrity-turned celebrity pro cyclist Lance Armstrong fears the Lone Wolf's sworn enemy and arch-rival Bart Kaufman, owner of the World's Greatest Madone:



Armstrong fears him so much that he's even attempting to "bite" Kaufman's flat-bar style:



Armstrong's even copied Kaufman's saddle choice, but the lack of carbon tubular wheels, foot retention, and a rack is glaringly obvious. I'm sure Kaufman's unconcerned, since all he'll be seeing of Armstrong is a quick glimpse of him in his dual rear-views.

Speaking of intimidation, there are few things more intimidating than rapping. So when a street-credulous hip-hop artist combines both cycling and rapping, you can bet the results are downright horrifying. Check out this "joint" by Canadian rapper Abdominal (né Andy Bernstein) which was forwarded to me by a reader:




Abdominal's "Pedal Pusher" even includes the lyric "slip on the Discman," which is an obvious "shout out" to the Lone Wolf. Moreover, Abdominal proves that he too does things his own way, since the yellow sticker on his front chainring can only mean that A-dom is a Shimano Biopace fan:



This will ensure that his pedal stroke is as smooth and effective as his rhymes. Still, Biopace isn't exactly dripping with "street cred," so one wonders if Abdominal is rubbing any tattoos in order to make up for it. It seems that tattoo trends have been changing, too. Sure, knuckle tattoos are still hot, as are tattoos that serve as references. Here's another such tattoo, which presumably helps the wearer remember that his lockring is reverse-threaded:



Lefty-tighty, righty-loosey, totally dorky.

But even the most dedicated knuckle tattoo fans have to admit that sometimes you can't reduce each and every sentiment to eight letters. That's why the latest tattoo fashion is to use the lower part of the leg instead:





Whereas with knuckle tattoos you sometimes find you need to drop letters, when using the lower leg you actually havee the luxury of adding letters for emphasis--note the inclusion of the extra "E."

But brevity can extend to the lower leg too. Here's another set of leg tattoos, forwarded by a reader, that would actually fit on the knuckles with a digit to spare:




Personally, I think it could use a few more "U"s.