Monday, March 2, 2009

Hand Luggage: Bike Builders and Lady-Killers

As you may know, this past weekend Indianapolis, IN hosted the 5th annual NAHBS (which of course stands for National Association of Ham Butchers' Soiree). For the fifth consecutive year, I failed to attend, since I don't really feel the need to spend time and money in order to slobber all over lugs. Honestly, I'm not much of a lug-slobberer anyway, and I don't really understand why people get so excited about them. Lug-slobberers are the same kinds of people who get excited about things like wine and furniture design and who spend $200 on architecture books.

But I'm sure if I did like to stand next to bikes, nod appreciatively, and make remarks such as, "My, what exquisite lugwork!" I'd have had a smashing time. I'm also sure my saliva glands would have been working overtime in the presence of something like this, which includes not only "exquisite lugwork," but also chrome, wood, leather, and rivets, which is enough to cause even the most finicky lug-slobberer to drown to death in his own drool:



Yes, it's the bike porn equivalent of PVC fetish clothing. But it wasn't all lugs at the NAHBS. There were also TIG welded bikes, and crabon bikes, and titanium bikes, and so forth. And of course no NAHBS would be complete without impossibly lavish "townie" bikes that cost more than your town:

I'm not sure who in 2009 has both money to buy such a bicycle and a job to ride it to, though I suppose it really doesn't matter since Sacha White's wait list is something like five years long. Who knows? Perhaps by 2014 we'll be living in a new age of prosperity. So if you're prone to the sort of optimism that borders on complete delusion, go ahead, queue up for a Vanilla. Don't worry about it getting stolen--crime will be a thing of the past in 2014. Also, the fenders will help keep you dry during all those pesky money storms, and the wide tires will offer a smooth ride and sure grip on roads of gold bullion.

But you don't have to wait until 2014 for a really expensive bicycle. Serotta, the company that makes dentists drool so heavily they need to fire up their saliva aspirators, also showed its dental dream bike, the MeiVici AE:


Ironically, by outdoing themselves once again, Serotta may have sown the seeds of their own undoing. At just a hair (or a strip of dental floss) below $8,500 for the frame, fork, and seatpost, even a dentist might think twice before buying one. Actually, a reader informs me that at least one dentist has gone so far as to take up the welding torch himself:


Chuck Sadilah's can-do attitude is an inspiration to dentists everywhere. By seizing the means of production, this one man may have taken the first crucial step in breaking Serotta's stranglehold on the dental industry. Perhaps we are on the verge of a new age of empowerment in which frame building is taught in dental schools. I only hope that Serotta's secret strike force doesn't reach him first. Their strongarm tactics are well-known in the world of cycling, and Sadilah wouldn't be the first dentist to leave for a "weekend for two...at one of the CTS training centers," never to be heard from again.

However, I'll admit I'd be less cynical about the NAHBS if I were actually in the market for a handmade bicycle. As it is, I must make do with my Ironic Orange Julius Bike, and my Perscattante, and various other pedestrian bicycles completely free of "exquisite lugwork." Yes, in these trying times, the only wait list many of us deal with when purchasing a frame is waiting for an auction to end on eBay. If you're one of these cyclists, take solace in the fact that things could be worse. You could actually be riding a bicycle that's been fished out of a canal in Amsterdam:

This picture was forwarded to me by a reader in Holland, and I suspect that many of these bicycles will wind up being sold for hundreds of dollars on Craigslist as "vintage Dutch commuter bikes." Even that bag would probably fetch a tidy sum, as it's fashionably pre-distressed, and nothing says "street cred" like the stench of canal water.

Really, when you think about it, buying a bike on Craigslist isn't much different from fishing it out of a canal anyway. Both endeavors are distasteful and unpleasant and leave you feeling slimy afterwards. However, there's a key difference between selling a bike on Craigslist and simply throwing it into a canal. The difference is that, due to the present popular obsession with fixed-gears and singlespeeds, you must specify whether the item you're selling is fixed-gear or singlespeed compatible, no matter how ill-suited to either use it may be:



1992 Bridgestone RB-2 Frame + Fork 62CM - $200 (Brooklyn Heights)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-23, 3:02PM EST

Up for sale is a 62CM 1992 Bridgestone RB-2 Frame + Fork. Great condition with minor scratches and wear. For more info on the bike and frame geometry, please see http://www.sheldonbrown.com/bridgestone/1992/1992.pdf.

If interested, I also have a Soulcraft Convert Single Speed Chain Tensioner, if you are interested in converting it to a single speed. It sells on JensonUSA.com for 91.00. I will include it for an extra $50. Please email me with any questions. Thanks!

It's a sad day indeed when you can't sell a perfectly serviceable road frame with vertical dropouts without making some kind of provision for singlespeed use. But you can't really blame the sellers. You can't hope to sell a frame anymore without potential buyers asking you if it's singlespeed or fixed-gear compatible, so you might as well just save everyone the trouble.

And as bad as the obligatory singlespeed/fixed-gear provision may be, it's nowhere near as bad as out-and-out racism and sexism:






White Male Bike - $300 (Mamaroneck)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-27, 1:22PM EST

Have a beautiful PEUGEOT white male bike for sale -

Ride well. Good for road and bike races. 34" high.

Have curved handlebars and locking piece for holding things in back.

Must arrange for pick-up. CASH ONLY!! NO Phone Calls.

Why should a crappy Peugeot with "curved handlebars" and a "locking piece for holding things in back" be reserved only for white males? Talk about being "excluded by the patriarchy of bike culture"! Every person should have an equal chance to purchase this exquisitely-lugged piece of French history, whether you're a white male or a Black Helmut:




You pedestrian, me biker, corner of 15th St. and 1st Ave Friday - w4m - 28 (Union Square)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-28, 8:41PM EST

Friday evening around 5:30PM I was riding my bike the wrong way (bad, yes, I know!) on East 15th street and stopped for you at the corner of 1st Avenue. You were with a friend walking up 1st Ave. You had a cute smile and I smiled back and said hi. I was on a folding bike, wearing a black trench coat and black helmut.

We've met Black Rob's older brother Black Phil on Craigslist before, so it's good to make the acquaintance of their transatlantic cousin, German hip-hop sensation Black Helmut, as well. Black Helmut is of course known for wearing a black trench coat. He also has gold teeth and a way with the ladies:



Messenger with the teeth of Gold - w4m - 26 (Midtown)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-02-27, 3:58PM EST


I was crossing the street when you nearly bumped into me with your 2 wheel wonder. It was at that point that you flashed your pearly... umm “golds?” and called me luscious. I cant stop thinking about that wonderful moment in time and keep on ordering bike messengers in the hope that you will be the one to deliver my bundle of joy... YOU!


If this is you, describe what I was wearing (hint: PETA hates me!) and lets make this work.


Only Black Helmut is possessed of the suave insouciance to turn a near-collision into a seduction by calling his victim "luscious." (Incidentally, the second-most oft-heard phrase at the NAHBS, after "exquisite lugwork," was "luscious welds.") I don't know Helmut personally, nor did I witness the collision, but if PETA hates her she was probably wearing something like this:

Sadly, things didn't go so well for this fellow, who attempted to seduce his quarry by not being able to afford to buy beer at a show:



ninja sonic concert last saterday... - m4w - 26
Reply to: pers-1056234040@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Date: 2009-03-01, 10:15PM EST


you were at the concert at the shank last sat, lost in the crowd, I was tall dark and handsome in a black tee shirt,, drinking pbrs out of my bag. I rode there on a yellow track bike. We never spoke, I wish I could have you on my arm at cheap hipster shows every weekend, to bad it's hard to talk when the music is so loud, were you looking for me too? Your pick gets mine...



Right--black t-shirt, drinking PBR, riding a track bike, at a show in Greenpoint, Brooklyn. I'm sure he stood out like a lugged steel frame at the NAHBS. If he really wanted to reel in the ladies, he would have ridden this proud beast (forwarded by a reader):


There's nothing terribly original about track bikes, lugged or otherwise. So when it comes to getting noticed, Y-Foil around?

127 comments:

innerlighter said...

wow!

Admiral Crunch said...

Boo-ya!

Anonymous said...

bla

Anonymous said...

Finally...maybe it takes longer to work its way down the blog pipeline to Florida.

innerlighter said...

nifty!

innerlighter said...

Tried for the sweep. No dice.

streepo said...

Top ten!!

I watched bowling tricks all weekend because of you, snob.

agent detroit said...

top 10!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

All you haters find peace within yourselves.

Anonymous said...

top ten???

agent detroit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

"sewn the seeds"

1st typo whine.

Bill said...

"can't hope top sell"

innerlighter said...

top sell!

(sp)odium

mander said...

Separate but equal?

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sfc/bik/1053731686.html

innerlighter said...

you're pretty quick with that enter key Bill...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Disgruntl Ed.,

Gaah!

--BSNYC

"We sow the seed, nature grows the seed, then, we eat the seed."--Neil

Bill said...

thanks innerlighter, good sprint....

hey, a bonus quote from the young ones! i don't know how many billion times i said that in high school, probably why people stopped talking to me.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

I know what a carbon frame but I'm not sure what a "crabon" frame is.

db said...

I love the reality-check posts more than any other.

Yeah, I'm really tired of the NAHBS. That's nice that there are artists who have decided to make bicycles that no one can afford. Super.

Why limit that niche to the big boys, like Serotta and Seven?

Admiral Crunch said...

Boom Shanka.

Climbin'J said...

Anyone else unable to see about half the images?

Gilmour1 said...

Snob,

Y-Foil around?

disgrazia!!

libertyonbikes! said...

long on the lead in,
but nailed it at the end.

'Y foil around?'

that kills.

and 'cheap hipster shows'?
so hipsters have now become the 2000's version of grunge?

soon they'll emerge from their
dirty little cacoons,

what will change hipsters first:

the economy - being able to buy micro brews and mini coopers.

age - riding geared commuter bikes
and buying cheap chardonay?

Spin2Win said...

I'll bet at least half of the spin class attendees are muttering under their breath, things like "illegal", and "unfair advantage"...

Kung Fu Panda said...

mama !
what did they do to you ?!?!?!

Anonymous said...

So below you to go for the puns, Snobballica, especially with the recurring theme of Y Foils. Sheesh.

ice cube said...

12 packs of PBR have gone up in price, Camels will double so when will hipsters follow the lead of their urban brethren who smoke Gold Coasts and drink Milwaukee's Best and ride Next mtn. bikes?? That is cool! That is not giving a fuck! You don't look it, you are it! Sure your i-pod will be in hawk and surely the laptop is long gone but you will reap the benefits of train-yard, bus station sexual encounters in a sea of Rothchilds vodka and crank.

Hope and Change in 2012-
Vote Mike Tyson

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:41pm,

I ride a Scattante--nothing is beneath me. It is also bad luck to leave an easy pun unmade.

--BSNYC

JPB said...

Disgruntl Ed - not to quibble with the quibbler, but sewn/sown is not a typo so much as the use of the wrong homonym.

BSNYC - $200 Architecture books are like handmade, lugged, URT, single-speed, 29er mountain bikes; lots of us drool over them, but few of us could afford to bring them home. The difference is; I could get my office to pay for the book if I could prove it's relevance, the bike has no relevance.

Karl Rover said...

Ah yes, I miss the good ol' Trek Flying V mountain bikes as well.

KVonnegut said...

RTMS said:

"I ride a Scattante--nothing is beneath me."

I had to read that twice. Very existential.

CommieCanuck said...

busted.

That was my custom Meh vici, $8,500, plus $1,500 for the use of Abe Vigoda's ear hair to reinforce the crabon at the bottom bracket. The full campy Super-record Meh vici with Lightweight wheels comes in at $18,000. This is my winter commuter bike.

That rack on the white male bike is custom, it was designed solely for carrying:

One loaf of white bread
One jar of mayonaisse
One Ton loc CD
One box of Franzia Chardonnay

CommieCanuck said...

I LOVE that seatpost.

"of course, I'll take it off before riding the bike, you don't think I'm fucking stupid enough to actually ride this thing, ...do you?"

Philosophy, it's all about philosophy.

Bill said...

vonnegut - i had the exact same reaction...

did rapha publish the architecture book?

d. fofonov said...

Babushka getting new computer that she is calling yablika and she is telling me that all pictures coming through fine in Minsk and she is thinking that Mr. Bikes Snobs is high explosives.

Serviceburo said...

All of you are retarded. Seriously. You do understand that the whole point of a trade show is to display all of your costly one-offs and have the flashest booth, right? This is what drums up the orders for the stuff that actually pays for them to live. You can't hate on Trek AND hate on handbuilders too. Sorry if you weren't capable/brave enough to do something you love and make a living off of it.

Ortolan said...

"Y-Foil around?"

Indeed, very funny!

: )

trenchcoat mafioso said...

Black Helmut is a woman..the subject line read 'w4m'. Can you rewrite the satire to reflect that?

Jason said...

Y-Foil around. Awesome.

CommieCanuck said...

Serviceburo said...
Sorry if you weren't capable/brave enough to do something you love and make a living off of it.


Oh yeah, you're getting filthy fucking rich off that blog, for certain. Good thing you've got 4-5 years on a waiting list to amass that wealth.

sendmeasnuggie said...

from serviceburo's blog - 'i talk alot about minimalism', blew my mind especially after snobbie's revelation about nothing being beneath him, as he sits on a scattante.....must go zen out for a bit...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Serviceburo,

I think everyone understands the point of the NAHBS, and I think everyone appreciates the skill of the builders. But the point of this site is to make fun of cycling, and I'd argue you can't make fun of Trek and not also make fun of the NAHBS.

--BSNYC

bikesgonewild said...

...bsnyc/rtms is nothing if he's not "scattantestential"...

...& serviceburo...you had me & lost me at "all of you..." from yer comment "all of you are retarded"...

...anyone who would try & "lump" this august group of contributors together as being of one like mind has oatmeal for brains (hey...saying you've got 'shit for brains' would be rude, right ???)...

...as far as the "...are retarded" from yer comment "all of you are retarded", well, that's just so much "blah, blah, blah"...

Lugs Chicago said...

It's real easy to make nonsense comments about a show you didn't have the energy to get off of the couch and attend. The show was filled with affordable stuff. It also showed what small guys can build when they get off the couch.

Udder said...

Is that one of those breathable Assos Panda jackets?

streepo said...

The proper term is learning diabled, not retarded.

sendmeasnuggie said...

oooh, assos make the best panda jackets. i was sure grizzly bear was going to wear one at BAM.

is this the "all of you" everyone is talking about

I love the look(s) of you, (and) the lure of you
The sweet of you, and the pure of you
The eyes, the arms, and the (that) mouth of you
The east, west, north, and the (that) south of you
Id love to gain complete control of you
Handle even the heart and soul of you
Love at least a small percent of me do
cause (because) I love all of you

thinskinned said...

i know, pretty harsh, eh? and i can't believe he grouped me in with the rest of these rejects!

bk jimmy said...

cyclingnews on that Serotta's headtube:

The hourglass profile looks trick but also cuts down a bit on frontal area.

Would any of you ladies here be flattered to be told that? I need a new pickup line.

collectif said...

isn't frilly the only representative of that species?

The retarded said...

Serviceburro, fuck you!

ant1 said...

annazed used to hand around every now and then. haven't seen her round these parts in a while though.

Anonymous said...

y-foil around

fucking genius

handles mcgee said...

that's a shame, ant1 and annazed seem like they were meant to be.

ice cube said...

the "white male bike" is just clever marketing by an observant entrepreneur. Brilliant and to the point! No bullshit approach to sales.

Urban Jeff said...

Anti-dentite!!!

bikesgonewild said...

...streepo...re: "The proper term is learning diabled, not retarded."...hmmm, i had a devil of a time in school myself...

...btw, if you buy a hand-built bike, make sure the builder takes his work but not himself too seriously...

...one should be able to enjoy one's bicycle, like one's humor w/out overtly deep philosophical & moral implications...

Pack Phil said...

So Serviceburo, were you at the show on Feb 29, 2009, like the cyclingnews.com serotta photo shows? Talk about existential.

Anonymous said...

I was sure that this bike at NAHBS was the lady killer:

http://www.cyclingnews.com/tech/2009/shows/nahmbs09/?id=/photos/2009/tech/shows/nahmbs09/nahmbs093/Cherubim_TT_bars

Sure don't want that thing behind you in a pace line...

Anonymous said...

Handmade bikes aren't necessarily better. Would you want a frame built by someone who can't add vectors?

NAHBS Map Bicycle

Fortunately, not all structural gaffes these days seem so naive:

MIT wheel - This just might be the next trend in hipster wheels.

streepo said...

They wrote an article about me!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/local?utm_source=featuredsection

Andy Pandy said...

Seems obvious that spawning bike salmon try to hook up on CL to avoid the effort of too much upstream swimming and pesky bears with appetites for sushi.

Serviceburrito ….I rather think of myself as slow

Andy Pandy said...

Seems obvious that spawning bike salmon try to hook up on CL to avoid the effort of too much upstream swimming and pesky bears with appetites for sushi.

Serviceburrito ….I rather think of myself as slow

Whittingham said...

I can whittle just about any bike part you want me to, but damn if I'd actually use it on a bike.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 5:54pm...

...that's the equivalent of a ds19 citroen steering wheel as applied to cycling's hipster-dom...

...w/ more side-load when cornering...

frilly said...

Ooo, seeing that Vanilla makes me want to get a set of red fenders for the steel beast.

BK Jimmy-That sentence, as a whole, is a bit of a paradox. Maybe just leave it at that hourglass profile looks trick.

AP, sweetie, you've really been on fire here lately haven'tcha?

baloo said...

have you seen this concept i think you might enjoi

http://www.behance.net/Gallery/bike/111883

its like a y-foil bred with a fixed gear and created something that is completely different and not at all related

Anonymous said...

So someone with a love of minimalism also loves expensive, over detailed bicycles?
I must really be retarded.

I wonder if others have this passion for other appliances? When is the National Association of Handmade Toasters show (NAHTS)??

Fierce Panties said...

Lugs Chicago--

Getting off of the couch would mean that I would have to ride my bike. And that's a tough choice when I can stay on the couch and make fun of you.

Fierce Panites said...

RTMS,

You cashed in on the Y-foil pun, and it was well deserved. But I feel that the panda coat joke was underrepresented in the comments section.

How about some panda puns people?!

Fierce Panties said...

Ok, I'll go first,

Hey Snob!--I don't want you to think that I'm Panda-ering to you, but today's post was slobber provoking!!

Anonymous said...

PETA? Pandas for the Enhanced Tasting of Animals?

Fierce Panties said...

Hey Serviceburrow,

thank you for saying sorry. It feels good to be validated that I don't have the courage to make a living doing something I love.

That was really nice of you. Thanks, buddy. I'm always feeling sorry for that, but it was good to hear someone else be sorry too.

That's a cool thing about the internet.

If it's cool with you, and I hope it's okay, I would like to continue making fun of both Vanilla and Trek.

I'll just wait to hear from you in the comments section here. And please try to reply with a panda pun.

Later on panda dick,

Sincerely,

Fierce Panties

Fierce Panties said...

Anon 8:12

Way to go!

Pandas do like to taste other animals, they are carnivores after all!

maddaps said...

ninja sonic concert last saterday...
saterday....wow.

Pulverized Concepts said...

A five-year wait for a bike? Isn't that kind of what Ponzi schemes are all about? Is somebody rockin' a Madoff?

Anonymous said...

http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/bik/1057797580.html

swiggco world said...

NAHMBS......I missed it, too but only because Indianapolis in Feb. sounded like a real icy proposition. I guess if the shorelines of lugs don't call you theres no real reason to go and see the bikes, meet the builders, walk the halls with the bike geeks and wait to see who gets the big ugly bowling trophies for the best lugs, welds, paint.....funny, they never give an award for the best riding bike........

Andy Pandy said...

Frills , Just doing my bit stirring the pot to make sure nothing gets burnt on the bottom.

Perhaps I just have a slowtwitch

Anonymous said...

Funny, funny, funny. One of the best of many good posts recently.

Oh, my cheeks hurt.

Mint Hassledorf IX said...

Whew! I just wasted 7 minutes reading all of this drivel. A further example of how comment boards represent the lowest common denominator in human potential... name calling, slandering, shit talking, self righteousness, pretentiousness, bad humor... Peanut Gallery defined! Great blog, though. Get back to work!

Nick said...

Same old *S*.

Anonymous said...

"trenchcoat mafioso said...

Black Helmut is a woman..the subject line read 'w4m'. Can you rewrite the satire to reflect that?"

seriously. it threw off the entire post.

mono_vs_stereo said...

I missed the NAHBS because I had to work all day. Indianapolis is under a two hour drive from my home in Louisville. My friend went and said that it was amazing.

Fierce Panties said...

Mint Hassledorf IX,

Hey Dad,

you forgot to add Paternal Disapproval of your fellow commenter.

Get back on your pedestal, Pops.

Anon 3:41 said...

Touche, point well made.

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with you? Try actually going to NAHBS before you open your mouth. These guys work hard and it shows in creativity and craftsmanship.

Anonymous said...

http://tinyurl.com/afszwr

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:54pm,

OK, I think I've got it now. It's OK to make fun of Trek (who work hard), and pro cyclists (who work hard), and messengers (who work hard), but not the NAHBS (who work hard). I'll try to remember that.

--BSNYC

grog said...

Carnivore?
My panda is bamboozled.

ScottM said...

As the owner of a lugged 1984 Trek 520 and a 1986 Bridgestone MB-1 I can't believed the hate. (OK I'll admit I'm writing this while sitting in an home office I share with my Architect/Wife and her several hundred architectural books, surrounded by Nelson, Eames, and Corbu furnishing, but that is all simply coincidence.

Pillow Talk in Chicago said...

I'm impressed at all the opinions you have for a show you didn't go to. Maybe you could have actually started to be positive about cycling if you had gone. Instead, you have proven to be dull and your posts come from ignorance.

Anonymous said...

What's up w/ Sam Whittingham's chain? It looks like it's all half-links. Maybe in tribute to Sheldon Brown's all Power Link chain.

swiggco world said...

I think it's possible to hate from afar,or even make fun of from afar. Having been at 3 NAHBS shows, I'll admit that while there are many beautiful meticuloulsy crafted bikes there, there are plenty that just scream at some of us :"Hate me ! I'm a trophy in the shape of a bicycle"

Anonymous said...

sacha white is the bike nazi . . . "no bike for you . . come back five years!" I went to NAHBS in Portland, and was put off by all of the egos.

makers9 said...

ive had that "white male bike" for a few years. always dug it. shaped some new bars for it this week.

http://parlor-game.blogspot.com/2009/03/laminated-mahogany-handle-bars.html

Anonymous said...

Bike Jerk proves u r just hitting your stride. Don't be ashamed of your sucksess.

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