Monday, March 30, 2009

Accessorize to Live, Live to Accessorize: Stuff, and Where to Put It

Further to last Friday's post, I did indeed swing by New York City's newest fake bike shop, Jack & Jimbo's:



As you may know, Jack & Jimbo's is a "collabo" between man-purse marque Jack Spade and, well, some mechanic named Jimbo. Above is the sign which sits outside of the shop, proving once and for all that fixed-gear conversions are now considered as essential as flat repair and wheel-truing. I didn't take pictures of the interior because the store is very small and it would have been highly conspicuous (they were regarding me suspiciously, possibly because I was smirking), but the picture here should tell you everything you need to know.

Basically, inside you'll find the requisite NAHBS-esque townie bike nobody would ever own (in this case a titanium Independent Fabrications complete with crabon fiber fenders narrower than the actual tires) as well as a bunch of refurbished bikes via Landmark Vintage Bicycles, whom I had heretofore only heard of because they are constantly posting Craigslist ads like this one. You'll also find a few Rapha jerseys and t-shirts, a stack of skinwall tires which may or may not be only for show (it's hard to tell what's real and what's for show in there), and various Jack Spade bags. Besides me, there were two other non-employees in the store--a man who was agonizing over which Jack Spade bag to purchase, and his female companion, who was helping him make this potentially life-altering decision. Both of them were doing their very best to avoid any of the bikes or bike-related items.

To give you the context of the neighborhood in which Jack and Jimbo's is located, it's a great place to trip over small dogs on designer leashes, and the shop itself is right near the Marc Jacobs store. The window display at the Marc Jacobs store is currently a Porsche 944, behind which is a faux-punk banner which reads "Car For Sale Make Best Offer:"



If you're wondering what the design on the hood is, it's knuckle tattoos:




I find it interesting that Jack Spade and Marc Jacobs are now selling fixed-gear conversions and knuckle tattoos respectively. I also find it interesting that the new trend in high-end fashion retail appears to be interactive themed window displays that are actually also for sale. I suppose ITTET this makes sense. Why put just a bike or two in the window when you can dress the whole place up as a bike shop and maybe even fix a few flats and sell a few bikes in the process? Anyway, they don't seem to be hurting anybody, and the mechanic did have lots of tools and was actively repairing a bike--though it's always possible he was just pretending to fix a bike like some actor in Colonial Williamsburg pretending to be a blacksmith. In any case, I suppose in some way there was a need for a shop like this. After all, the male equivalents of the "Beautiful Godzillas" need bike shops boutiques too.

But Jack Spade isn't the only company advancing the cause of fashionable cycling. I recently received an email from someone in Paris, who related the following:

I got tired of facing the dilemma of looking like an idiot riding my bike (pants rolled up, pants in sock, etc,..) to avoid the grease stains on my pants, Or looking like an idiot the rest of the day (one wrinkled leg pants, dirty or ripped pants, etc, ) .


As such, he contacted a maker of high-end denim pants and came up with these:


While "Stroke's Extra Leg" may sound like a euphemism for "foffing off," it is in fact a protective calf-length pant leg you slip over your pant leg, and it may be one of the most pointless clothing accessories I've ever seen. First of all, I don't see how riding a bike with your pant leg rolled up makes you look like an idiot. Walking around town all day with your pants rolled up might look silly, but riding a bike with your pants rolled up just looks like you don't want to get your pants dirty. If this person had to roll up his pants to take a walk on the beach would he feel like an idiot then too, and instead slip on a second pant leg? Secondly, how does this help solve the problem of getting your pants caught in your drivetrain, which is the other reason to roll up or otherwise cinch your pant leg? Thirdly, how is slipping a filthy, greasy piece of denim on and off your leg going to keep you or your pants any cleaner or take any less time than simply rolling your pants up and down as needed? And where do you put your grimy "Extra Leg" once you've taken it off so it doesn't get all your other stuff dirty? Do you then need a carrying case or pouch? Where does it end?!?

Then again, he does have a compelling sales pitch:


He's right, I don't want to be that guy, but that's because he's wearing topsiders, and a denim leg condom is not really going to help that. But if you don't want to be that guy because you find it extremely difficult to roll your pants back down when you get to work (or you think a calf sheath is somehow less dorky than a pant cuff retainer or a chain guard), go ahead and buy an "Extra Leg" today.

Yes, some people just can't resist putting extra crap on themselves. If you're one of those people (or if you just need something in which to carry your soiled "Extra Leg"), you might enjoy one of these, which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Now that the fanny pack is making a return, the "Sex and the Citification" of cycling is nearly complete. The endless assortment of messenger bags, u-lock holders, utility belts, and fanny packs now on the market has finally allowed people to disguise their teenage girl-like obsession with handbags as practicality. And if you don't think people are using all of these things--at the same time, I might add--I am here to assure you that they are. I'm not sure why people need to carry so many items for local trips, but they look like urban survivalists, and between all the carabiners and nylon belts and satchels and clothing with hidden pockets all over it you'd think New York City was a mountain. I'm also not sure why whatever items these people need to carry must be kept separate from one-another. Perhaps this is part of the survivalist technique, and placing different items on different parts of your body is like diversifying your portfolio or like a squirrel burying acorns in different spots so they don't all get stolen at once. Hopefully soon we'll see people wearing "Extra Legs" with integrated pouches, and cycling specific thigh pouches, and utility belts, and messenger bags, and arm pouches all at the same time. And let's not forget the fanny pack's equally dorky cousin, the wrist wallet. Just finish the whole ensemble off with a pair of Kangaroos and there will be no limit to the places you'll be able to carry something.

Just make sure you don't put a rack on your bike. You wouldn't want to spoil those clean lines.

117 comments:

Anonymous said...

whatevs.

Anonymous said...

up there...

Anonymous said...

dawg

Anonymous said...

I'm new here. 1st comment

Anonymous said...

Almost yellow. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

WOOT1st

Anonymous said...

my wheel slipped in the dropouts in the sprint

mander said...

Top Ten!

BadBeard said...

extraleg1st!

Anonymous said...

THIS COMMENT SPONSORED BY BICYLING MAGAZINE

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

Hey Frilly - I didn't know you were an explorer:
http://i.gizmodo.com/5189268/panties-help-guide-700+mile-arctic-expedition-when-gps-compasses-fail

ant1 said...

Snob - You didn't tell us they put you on the cover of bicycling. Looking good.

Anonymous said...

this was a great post bike snob! I can't believe someone actually invented a thigh bag and a jean thing to slip over your calf while riding.

almost as bad as the nike hindsight glasses.

Anonymous said...

...or DO get a rack. But make sure it's a $200 CETMA one, which is the only acceptable type for your $1200 vintage track frame that raises simplicity and practicality to new heights.

mr.complaint said...

"That Guy' certainly is asking for it. Not only is he wearing topsiders with bluejeans but black socks as well. Topsiders, if worn properly are worn 1. sockless 2. with khakis 3. on a yacht.

Landlubber.

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Turistas said...

"...between all the carabiners and nylon belts and satchels and clothing with hidden pockets all over it you'd think New York City was a mountain..."

On a recent visit, I wondered if you NYC types got to your high-rise jobs via the outside windows.

Surly Bastard said...

Nice post. Pant condoms, exactly!

I think it will all end with a service that allows you to hire somebody to ride for you ...

Oh wait, that already exists ... bike messengers, right?

We poor sots from the provinces are just so slow ...

grog said...

Don't need no stinkin xtra legg, but, it would make a great gift!

LXL
ETE
GRG
GAG

Anonymous said...

944 or 951?

Jim said...

I got tired of facing the dilemma of looking like an idiot riding my bike. . . or looking like an idiot the rest of the day. . .

I guess the Extra Leg makes it so you don't have to choose and can just do both.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Very nice. I feel so much better now about my pant-rolling and ankle band habits.

Any particular reason you put that hyphen in one-another?

kale said...

This weekend while I was wheelsucking a trisexual I came a state of zen while listening to his time trial bike's cacophony of loose and rusty parts - An epiphany induced by the telegraph-like tapping of his headset - the more bike boutiques the better.

I don't want to go back to listening to my ipod.

Ronsonic said...

Have I somehow missed a new rule that prohibits the use of clips or velcro bands to keep pant legs out of the drive train? Did they stop making them or something?

I.P. said...

i could use an extra leg...

wishiwasmerckx said...

At those prices, Jimbo is obviously not using ceramic bearings when he repacks your hubs, headset or bb.

Mr. Costello said...

Everyday you write the book

Anonymous said...

wish it were jack&bimbos- now that's a shop i could get behind.

jolene said...

i no jimbo is a rasist but thats ironical now ainit them city boys is hularius boy howdy

Bill said...

wasn't 'wheelsucking a trisexual' a big hit for the Police?

CommieCanuck said...

"foffing off" is a euphemism for "priming the frame pump".

jolene said...

if you is slow like lorrie because she done use to huff endust i ment working with a spade

stefan said...

Yes! One of your most enjoyable posts, and that comes from the extra leg guy!

Poor "that guy"! he's getting slamed for rolling up his pants, for wearing ugly shoes, not being on a yacht, etc,..

I just want to point out that there are four velcro strips that hold them tight, to keeps them from getting caught in the chain.

kind regards, mrBikeSnob!

NatMc said...

High five on that one, Jim.

Anonymous said...

You can put your weed in there.

kale said...

If I had been the genius that invented The Extra Leg, I would have called it Foreshin.

(Or gaiters)

db said...

Wow. Nothing says Monday like the kind of sarcasm in those last two paragraphs. Thanks for that.

Shram said...

it's not that these people (potential extra leg buyers) are afraid to look like idiots, it's that they don't want to look like cyclists, instead of normal people. Seriously. There's still a shame to bike commuting, like you're a pauper or something.

g said...

Is that workstand at the j&j a spindoctor from performance? That's sure to not scratch your $3000 ti cruiser.

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob, if I use a rear rack to transport my 3000cm3 of storage instead of wearing a parliament of commodity vessels, how will people know I'm an urban cyclist when I join my friends for lunch inside our favorite downtown cafes?

Midget With a Boner said...

I frequently get my third leg caught between the fork crown and the front wheel.

Luck E. said...

See Friday's comment @ 3:50.


A

ChrisO said...

Is that really why squirrels do that ?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Chris O,

I have no idea. My knowledge of animal behavior is mostly from cartoons.

--BSNYC

kale said...

ChrisO-

Bustin' Nuts

SFW

Gnarles Darwin said...

Ahhhhh... its sooo nice to have the spring weather back and to once again hear the beautiful chirping of birds welcoming the sun back for another...

...oh, wait...

Thats just the sound of rusty chains.

Damn, looks like rain.

ant1 said...

kale - one of the dudes' name in that article is Peter Smallwood. I guess the NSFW version would feature Rod Largeshaft.

wsl said...

sorry ny, it's over.
glad i left.
living in woods now.
send help.

red neckerson said...

sorry i didnt rite over the weekend but me and ricky played a joke on rickys brother his name is troy the boy toy so we tolt troy that we was going to take hime to disney world cos he always wanted to go to disney world so we gots in the car and drove the long way from viper to hazard and it took us like two hours and we come up to an old burnt down warehouse in hazard and i yelt out

OH NO SOMEBODY BURNT DOWN DISNEY WORLD

then troy cried and cried but deep down i think he thot it was purty funny

Heckler said...

Like the chainsaw in slide #4. I've never seen one in a bicycle shop, this jimbo must be some kind of master mechanic. Or is there some implication of ruggedness by positioning by the bags?

Anonymous said...

From the Vanity Fair article:
"Jimbo, a gregarious 71-year-old bike mechanic from Brooklyn, stunted party-goers with riddles." I'm still seething with rage that years of being abused by my grandfather's riddles left me 4'7". Be forewarned.

bikesgonewild said...

...being ultimately if not tragically hip, i slipped into my exquisite wool rapha jersey, wrapped a couple a' "extra legs" around my calves (i like the balanced look), strapped on a thigh pouch & a transient hip bag, slipped on a few arm pouches & right n' left wrist wallets, slide into my comfy kangaroo's, threw my jack spade messenger bag over my shoulder as i cinched down my knog "love/hate" fingerless gloves & feeling quite the lad, jumped on my fix gear whip & hit the street, resplendent in my finery...

...duh on me...forgot my pants...

Anonymous said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7415911.stm

Anonymous said...

i want to be that guy

hillbilly said...

the guy who disseminates year old "news"?

Anonymous said...

the guy with the practical/best fashion

That Guy said...

Methinks thou canst doth rubbith both perchance the third and roll.

Newsith best be verily sequester'd

Luck E. said...

BGW - With all that capacity for cargo, all you really need is a mankini!

Far be it from me to fault anyone for rubbing the multitude of cargo-specific gear, but I thought the appeal of urban SS/FG riding was to SIMPLIFY.

Y'know, less gear(s)?


A

Anonymous said...

Bicycling mag article was disapproved. Very lame.

kale said...

You would think with all those pockets, there would be a tube and a pump in there somewhere.

If this mean I have to put my bib on under my Helmut Langs than What's the point?

Kapitan said...

Excellent post, Mr. Snob. I'm thankful for the insights you offer on NYC bicycling culture. What is the proper term for this "accessorize to the nines for riding, then don't ride but hang out at trendy coffee shop or boutique instead" trend? "Gay" isn't it. Metrovelosexual? Just velosexual? Velurbanism? Urban Tribal Uniformism? Bikerotica? Cyclophilia? Maybe it's just plain old fetishism. It certainly revolves around taking great pains with ones appearance, dressing up and accessorizing in order to get some. Or at least be adored, which is safer but also jolly nice.

bikesgonewild said...

...luck e...why, i'd rather ride w/ no pants, sir, than to be caught wearing a mankini...

...as they say, substance over style...

Luck E. said...

BGW - In that case, way to rock out with your, er..., "substance" out.


A

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh...i just wish i could brag like this guy:::...

"Midget With a Boner said...
I frequently get my third leg caught between the fork crown and the front wheel."
...

...damn, just sayin'...

g said...

aren't the third leg folks just ripping off the SNL fake commercial for 3 legged jeans?

prolly said...

totally blew it trying to do a rail today... see here and here

rip it up. third legs rule!!!

Bluenoser said...

I guess all that's missing is a drool cup.

-B

Bluenoser said...

69

I'm happy with that.

-B

Anonymous said...

Luck E 5:23:

Substance = awesome sauce

frilly said...

Drool cup? That's what a neckerchief is for, isn't it?

Antoine, cheri, that picture looks a little cold to be doffing the frillies.

Bluenoser said...

Frilly,

The cup you just empty. A neckerchief you have to wring out.

-B

Luck E. said...

Anon 6:10,

I believe in this instance, "substance" would be in reference to BGW's twin Awesome Sauce production globes and dispersal nozzle, as his junk will be the only thing left uncovered after donning all the cargo-capable gear mentioned at BGW's 3:44.

A lovely image indeed. So compulsive about compartmentalized carrying of stuff that he's forgotten his pants. Can't wait to see the Erik K. version, if we are so luck e.


A

Anonymous said...

man glaze

Bluenoser said...

Besides. You are the drooler, we are the droolees. Is that a word?

-B

frilly said...

I bought those love/hate gloves. Realized how utterly ridiculous I looked, yeah, I know hard to believe but there is still a shred of dignity. Anyhoo, exchanged them for a pair of shorts, black, plain.

jackalope this said...

SEVENTY SIXFTH!!! suckkas

and rummaging through a box of barends.

frilly said...

Holy shit, I DO NOT drool. Okay there was that ass shot of Tommeke on YouTube, but c'mon!

Anonymous said...

I lol'ed. Good work snoo b.

ayhcsmb said...

trade the love/hate for suck/dick

Anonymous said...

http://www.kafka-franz.com/Jimbo%27s-KeyBiscayne.htm

Johnny Sprocket said...

The extra leg let's you ride your bike without looking like an idiot... too late. He has a Bianch PISTA !

Anonymous said...

or you could buy a survival utility kilt:

http://www.utilikilts.com/?page_id=31

Anonymous said...

Fuck no, gimmie the chewbacca bandolier!

red neckerson said...

well i thot my joke on troy the boy toy was purty funny fuck you if you caint take a joke

so what im wondering is if that leg comdom comes like you know ribbed....for her pleasure

rusty said...

red neckerson,
you also ripped off SNL.


fake prolly,
you're an idiot.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC haven't those Third Leg people not seen these http://www.bikemagic.com/review/reviewproduct/mps/rpn/26368/prod/Crumpler_Ankle%20Thingy/rcn/96/rgn/14/v/1/ much more stylish.


Surlysimon

Anonymous said...

For a second I was all 'Finally a company has come along and produced a pair of pants for the better hung among us!' I should have stopped there. How utterly disappointing.

Anonymous said...

sydney's fake bike shop:
http://www.deus.com.au/#/deuscafe/

Anonymous said...

There's no such thing as a fake bike shop, only fake cyclists.

Anonymous said...

ah fun. probably frequented by the fix-gear dildo that was swerving madly and almost hit me this morning on 1st ave, unable to execute his track stand effectively while I was waiting for a light to turn. And of course, then proceeded to ride slowly across multiple lanes attempting to "beat" traffic. Moron.

bricoleur said...

now i get it. a fake bike shop for fake cyclists has a fake mechanic.

MJ Klein said...

the guy modeling the thigh bag is wearing cargo pants. wtf?

Anonymous said...

White
Fops
On
Bikes!

red neckerson said...

(C)rusty,
SNL sucks.




real (C)rusty,
go fuck yourself. idiot.

Anonymous said...

Now non-messenger cyclists have poseurs to hate, how empowering...

Facyclists?

ant1 said...

good morning every one

ant1 said...

I hope you all slept well.

ant1 said...

And that today will be a good day for you.

ant1 said...

ant100th!

Anonymous said...

next person to say "Methinks" gets a cyberballkicking.

Kick this said...

The anon doth protest too much, methinks.

Tony Baloney said...

Methinks I soiled me trousers

Anonymous said...

The Extra Leg - like a dickie for your pants...

CommieCanuck said...

One of my shell corporations is working on the full anal bike bag -we have the aero windtunnel data that shows you can save three watts.
AssBag..already 30% off on Nashbar.

carlos said...

good to have you back.

cyclotourist said...

METH INKS

rusty said...

red neckerson,
suck or not, you still ripped them off.

Me, an idiot? Maybe. I'm not the one who created a ridiculous persona just to post stupid comments on a blog though.

Jason said...

poetry.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if the extra leg feels anything like the stanky legg.

I carry so much stuff around with me because I am riding to school and usually have a ton of books in my huge backpack.

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