Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Cape Fear: Cycling Fashion's Reign of Terror Continues

(Helper monkey--the ultimate multi-tool!)


It is becoming increasingly clear to me that this spring is going to be about one thing--an unprecedented abundance of cycling fashions. No sooner did I learn about the controversial "Extra Leg" calf sheath than I discovered the "Urban Gaiter:"



Yesterday I quipped that someday soon we might see an "Extra Leg" with integrated pouches. Well, guess what the "Urban Gaiter" is? No, it's not a rapping cartoon alligator; it's an "Extra Leg" with integrated pouches:






Urban Gaiter $20.00

Black Cordora Fabric with Reflective Schoeller Fabric. Used Around Pant Leg And Has Side Pocket To Hold Cell Phone, Money and Other Items. Perfect For Quick Errands and Protecting Your Pants On Your Commute.


There weren't any photos of somebody actually wearing the "Urban Gaiter," but I'm guessing it looks like a blood pressure monitor, only on your leg. If you're riding in street clothes anyway, I'm not sure why you just can't put your money, keys and phone where you normally would--in your pockets. Why would hopping on your bike to run some "quick errands" suddenly necessitate strapping all these things to your appendages like you're smuggling them through customs? The next step can only be hiding them completely in one of those touristy money belts, or else simply placing them in a condom and swallowing them. (The latter technique works great for tools, too. "You wouldn't happen to have a tire lever on you, would you?" "Well, technically yes, but I won't be able to get to it for 24 hours.") Still, if you own an urban sombrero, I'm sure the "Urban Gaiter" would make a lovely companion piece.

I was curious to learn more about the company that sells the "Urban Gaiter," so I read more about them on their website:




I'm a bicycle commuter, and I can certainly appreciate "durable, versatile, and practical commuting gear." I have a body to keep warm and dry, and I also have personal effects I like to carry and sometimes need to access in less than 24 hours. (There's nothing worse than not being able to take an important call because your phone is still working its way through your digestive tract.) Sure, the "Urban Gaiter" wasn't for me, but certainly something else would be.

Well, apart from a few weird bags and the spoke reflector things pictured next to the "Urban Gaiter," they mostly just had a bunch of t-shirts. I'm not sure how a t-shirt can be considered "durable, versatile, and practical commuting gear," nor how it can help "get you there safely," but I do agree that they use "the highest quality and most durable materials," because some of their shirts are made out of bamboo:


Craig Calfee has been espousing the virtues of bamboo bicycle frames for years, so it's nice to see the material finally coming to cycling attire as well. This shirt may look like an ordinary t-shirt, but it's actually highly protective and incorporates the same technology used by ancient Japanese Samurai, who wore bamboo suits of armor. Also, it's got a picture of a guy riding a bike on it, which makes it cycling-specific. You can be confident that this t-shirt is all you need to protect you from either painful road rash or ninja attacks.

And Cyclelogical is not the only company drawing inspiration from the past. In London, a similarly-named company called Cyclodelic (which I learned about from Trackosaurusrex) is now making a cycling-specific cape:




If you've already got an "Urban Gaiter" and an urban sombrero, you're certainly going to want to complete your wardrobe by wearing a cape like Frank Costanza's lawyer. Just imagine how dramatic you'll look riding around town with a cape fluttering behind you. Apart from the flapping and whipping and lack of protection from cold wind and its potential to get caught on everything from car mirrors to your own bicycle, I really can't see a downside to cycling in the city while wearing a cape. Cyclodelic isn't stopping there, either. They've got a whole line of urban cycling fashions made specifically for the female rider, and you can see the clothes in action here:



In keeping with the magic theme (magicians love capes), Cyclodelic is also apparently making invisible pants. This is the only possible explanation for the fact that the models all have bare legs and pant cuff retainers:


Also, the model on the right must be riding a left-hand drive bike.

Even more exciting than invisible pants (if that's even possible) is the fact that Cyclodelic have also designed what may be the world's first female-specific fixed-gear freestyler, the "Lady Midas:"



If you're a male and you're feeling left out, you shouldn't. Just because this stuff is for women doesn't mean you can't rub it too. After all, urban male cyclists have been wearing women's pants for years, so there's really nothing odd about a guy throwing on a cape, a pair of invisible pants, and a visible pant cuff retainer, and hitting the streets--or even "killing it" on a Lady Midas:

Note that the step-through frame obviates the need for a top tube pad. Note also that the rider is wearing invisible pants without any pant cuff retention. I hope they don't get caught in his chain!

Perhaps most exciting of all, Cyclodelic will be launching their new line complete with an alleycat-esque "Cyclodelic Champagne Bicycle Treasure Hunt" in London:


I am seriously considering heading over there with my Scattante and "throwing down," since I think this is one of the few races in the world I could actually win. Spotting the "dressed up characters" alone should be a cinch, since the streets of London will be crawling with people in capes and invisible pants riding golden bicycles. I wonder if I can fit a bottle of Korbel champagne in my Gigunda cage? I also wonder if Cyclodelic clothing will be available in the New York City Topshop as well, since I've been riding capeless for far too long.

If nothing else, in theory this bumper crop of urban cycling attire should at least serve to make road racing attire seem slightly less absurd. However, in practice, you should never underestimate the roadie's ability to look ridiculous. A reader was kind enough to forward me these photos of the S.S. Capannuccia team, who, as he points out, bear more than a passing resemblance to 80s Christian "metal" band Stryper:





Besides the bumblebee-like color scheme, S.S. Capannuccia and Stryper also share in common the fact that they make you question the existence of God, since no merciful deity would ever allow a group of people to roam the Earth looking like that.

But not all roadies are taking their style cues from Christian rock bands. A reader in China has sent me this photo from a local race, which shows riders whose influences are decidedly more rebellious in nature:


The Rock Racing jersey, cigarette, and Euro-schmata are the Holy Trinity of roadie attitude. When juxtaposed with what may be one of the world's few remaining non-ironically rocked fanny packs, the effect is even more powerful.

I wonder where he keeps his cigarettes? Someone really should make a bag for that.

111 comments:

BadBeard said...

Belligerent1st!

Anonymous said...

ace of base

Anonymous said...

podium

Anonymous said...

YES I GOT THIRD I AM THE MAN

Anonymous said...

OH WOW THAT FEELS GREAT!

Anonymous said...

top ten oooooooooooooo

EazyE said...

ping

Anonymous said...

take the elevator to the mezzanine

Anonymous said...

anonymous third got zabeled at the line

Anonymous said...

ran out of puff pushing through the pack

kale said...

What's the bridge report today, Snob?

Pansies and Unicorns or Pissbottles and Rosses?

Anonymous said...

so close

Smellvin said...

A gentleman rubbing a lady midas, spring is in the air.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Kale,

Lots of Jamis hybrids today for some reason.

--BSNYC

southpole said...

here is a bag for cigarettes:
http://intranet.tatonka.com/infosys/infocgi/artintt3.dll?7701
while not immediately obviously cycling specific, they also have a wide variety of leg gaiters, some even literally "bulletproof" to go with your bulletproof bike components and one of the leg gaiters doubles as an office - so you can work already while you commute

wishiwasmerckx said...

Holy Smokes! That cape weighs 230 pounds! It must be made out of lead or something. Oh, wait...never mind. It costs 230 pounds.

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

libertyonbikes! said...

it was the christian rock
that ruined Stryper,
not the outfits,
go figure?

worm irks said...

Man, if all I need is a t-shirt and a gaiter to be worry free, I guess I don't need that costly psychotherapy after all.

Anonymous said...

I think I'll leave work early today and seek professional cycletherapy.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

cyclegear = getting me to and from my destination.

blew my mind: getting me FROM my destination, kicking and screaming?

ant1 said...

I keep my cigarettes in my pants pocket when I ride to the bar, or my jersey pocket on longer road rides. I wish they sold the girlie 10 packs of smokes in this country, cause I could fit that in the race radio pocket of my bibs (I think that's where the pros keep theirs).

OAP said...

That transient hip bag thing you showed yesterday had a pack of cigarettes in the "what it can contain" picture...

Panda Food said...

Snobby, bamboo clothing does have a side benefit aside from ninja attack protection: it has natural deoderant properties. Unless I was lied to, which might explain why my co-workers bomb my cubicle with a cloud of Glade a couple of times a day. Perhaps I should shower more than once a week and not wear my bamboo shirt for 18 days in a row...

tentofortysix said...

What's 230 pounds nowadays? 400-something bucks? Good thing you gals are saving money on gas (or "petrol") to you can sport a cycling cape.

kale said...

It was rumored that Jacques Anquetil would keep his smokes wedged between his saddle rails and would heavily smoke while leading the peloton to deter would-be drafters. The practice was banned in 1965.

Anonymous said...

Both models on the right have have leg bands on their left leg, as both models on the left have them on their right legs. Symmetrical posing aside, the reflective stripe would add an implied element of safety at night when worn on the left.

Panda Food said...

BTW, I think that same bottle of piss from last week is still there. Wedged forlornly against the slanted steps...

Bill said...

did notice all the Jami, did you also notice an abnormally high pedestrian volume? is the ped side closed?

bikesgonewild said...

...today i "look" the same as yesterday, but i'm better dressed because i'm wearing invisible pants...

...thank god & the bespoke english for high trendy fashion...

...although i'm having a few fit & bleeding problems due to my homemade bamboo socks...

Ralphy said...

Bamboo t-shirt? Anyone who squeaked into The Fixed-Gear Culture before the embargo on new members knows you gotta rub a crabon t-shirt. (We tried steel t-shirts, 'cause it's real, but it was hard to do anything but trackstand when wearing them. Not really a problem for The Culture, but whatever.) Don't even suggest aluminum. Would you ride a bike made from tinfoil? Didn't think so, so why wear a t-shirt made from the same fallible material?

Luck E. said...

Fail. All wrong.


A

BLT said...

Second from right in the S.S. Capannuccia photo: Richard Milhous Nixon

Elvis said...

Actually, that's Mojo Nixon, who is often mistaken for his uncle.

trente six said...

nothing

red neckerson said...

somebody been ripping me off my identity and i donts appreciates it becos if i wants to insults somebody i kin do it myself

and dont think yor going to get jolene that way neither you cant steel my identity with her unless yor the lock ness monster if you know what im saying

Anonymous said...

Reading this blog over the past year has made it nearly impossible to choose a new bicycle. I know I don't want a comfort bike or hybrid, I don't want a mountain bike either. But, I can't spend $1000 on a bike.. more like $500. Used bikes around here are ridiculously over priced for what they are (over $150 for a rusty, corroded, 80's low to mid range road bike), prices are too high at local bike shops, and buying a pre-built single speed has all of this stigma. I used to be able to get used bikes at thrift stores for $30. Now, I feel like I'll be stuck waiting for the trend to die out before I can get a bike at a fair price again.

Dead Milkmen said...

We asked for Mojo Nixon
They said "He don't work here"
We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon
Then your store could use some fixin'"

Anonymous said...

sorry, I mean, AYHSMB

Über Alice said...

If strapping shit all over your body is good enough for Dog The Bounty Hunter, then it's good enough for me.

Anonymous said...

Stryper. I think the approach is this: you're left in such a state of disbelieving nonplussedness as their image dances before your eyes -- jaw agape, brain muddled -- that the Word can easily be secreted within by brainwashing angels (Stryper, I guess) to abide next to, and nurture, the soul. I feel better already.

bikesgonewild said...

...s.s. capannuccia ???...huh, what the fuck ???...is that the s.s. capannuccia ???...perchance a cruise ship ???...maybe a somalian pirate ship ???...that at least might explain the team kit...

...arrrggghhh, matey !!!...avast & i just be sayin'...

jolene said...

red alls it takes is a little rotgut and some roofys and i done wood think bumpy harold was you until the mornin then i mite get suspishsus

bikesgonewild said...

...arrrggghhh !!!...cap'n blood's "reign of bespoke fashion terror" continues...

...whare be yer eye patch, lads...ye can't be lookin' fine in the press conference w/out yer eye patch & a parrot...arrrggghhh !!!...

kale said...

Bespokes kinda sound like a new version of Spokey Dokes.

We heard you like shit on you bike, dawg!

Test Tickle said...

why, oh why did you have to post a photo of Stryper? for the love of god, man. that was the worst band to ever play a power chord. what a bunch of pigfuckers.

bamboo lover said...

Will these make stronger coffee?

http://tinyurl.com/cknltl

RideMyGiantHUH? said...

Hey Snobbie, check it out. You got mentioned again. Seems to be more apocolyptic fear amongst missing PIE PLATES on new Canondale Six series bicycles! OMG what is the world coming to....

full article:
http://boulderreport.bicycling.com/2009/03/when-good-gover.html

Isolation Helmet said...

I wonder if you need to wear undergarments when you rub the invisible pants? Since you have replaced Style Man maybe you have the answer.

Anonymous said...

Methinks the next person who says "rub" is getting a cyberballkicking.

bikesgonewild said...

...bamboo lover...ah, no but you may get bamboo slivers under yer tongue...

...& isolation helmet...while you wait for official word from bsnyc/rtms headquarters, i'll say from experience that the way to go w/ invisible pants on the bike is commando...or free ballin' as we used to say...
...less restricting...

ant1 said...

Bamboo related joke:

A panda walk into a restaurant. He sits at a booth and orders a burger. The waiter brings in out. The panda eats it. When the waiter returns to ask if the panda would like some desert, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots him. The manager comes out and asks the panda what the ruckus is all about. The panda says: "I'm a panda." The manager replies that he doesn't know what that has to do with anything. The panda then hands the manager a dictionary and walks out of the restaurant. The manager, puzzled, looks up panda in the dictionary and reads: Panda - an animal that eats shoots and leaves.

No, I did not come up with that on my own, but wish I did.

Anonymous said...

Somebody has been ripping off my identity and I don't appreciates it! People are going to start thinking I'm some kind of podium wanna-be!

Isolation Helmet said...

If you don't know how to rock or rub your cycling gear anonymous then find another site to post.

RUB THIS!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Urban Sombrero? Why not simplify your life and get a European Men's Carry-all?

Palabra said...

NUDI LLOS
SOMB RERO

Bill said...

ant1 - i'm more familiar with that same punchline, only delivered to a woman the panda slept with.

ant1 said...

Bill - That ending sounds much better. I'll try to remember it next time I use that joke.

Anonymous said...

Euro-schmata, do-rag, mitpachat... What should I rub?

Bill said...

can't remember the setup and can't find, something about not paying a prostitute., could be something about what pandas and men have in common. i don't know. you know what, this doesn't even count as a joke. sigh. old age.

Anonymous said...

Stryper is a bunch of gay-rods.

First real comment.

Jack Spade said...

MANP URSE

Anonymous said...

maybe not snob worthy but a good laugh all the same.

fixed gear ad on eugene craigslist

http://eugene.craigslist.org/bik/1100938228.html

FBC Spokane said...

The leg gaiter and the leg pack from yesterday remind me of the 1986 classic 'Iron Eagle' where he had the Walkman strapped to his leg.

Anonymous said...

and also this ad which i actually think is better, also from eugene craigslist

http://eugene.craigslist.org/bik/1099855000.html

Bluenoser said...

The slash proof neck pouch.

A must have for any Canadian tourist in Mexico.

No joke.

-B

Bluenoser said...

Well?

-B

Bluenoser said...

Ok, I'll settle for 69 two nights in a row.

-B

ringcycles said...

That's it Snobbie; "S.S. Capannuccia and Stryper also share in common the fact that they make you question the existence of God, since no merciful deity would ever allow a group of people to roam the Earth looking like that."... I nearly wet myself laughing after reading that. Now where is an empty soda bottle to relieve myself in?

The Larry Flint of Acronyms said...

Blunoser 7:59:12-

I guess that'll make the 'ol AYHSMB into ISHBWHSMB kinda' like MDFMK. A great timesaver ITTET.

d. fofonov said...

Babushka is saying that with Putin overcharging for petrol and Obama overcharging for large American automobiles starting lengthy and attractive relationship. She is wishing Obama sending mayor of Minsk his own DVD collection. Maybe if Obama is dropping by Walmart sometime soon.

Burn Down the Malls said...

MOJO NIXN
SKID ROPR

Andy Pandy said...

Team car hands them out pre lit to domestique who proceeds to shove em in every available orifice and coughs his way through the peleton to team leader who is in the last throws of coughing/ hacking up a lung. Best part is the smoke kills off the bacteria laden smog / air prevalent in China, the home of environmental awareness..
My bamboo Rudy Project copies are the bees knees
BGW… capannuccia is an Italian pasta… just devourin
Anst, here we have a wonderful beastie called a wombat which eats , roots and leaves… applies to male human species as well

Jonathan said...

andypandy: "rooting" is lost on the majority of americans.
known a few blokes in my time who've earned wombat as a nickname...

Cape-Free Since '83 said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yiVrrGnUJfw&feature=related

leroy said...

Unfortunately, work has been imposing on the time I could more productively spend commenting.

But I had to post this evening to respectfully disagree with your observation that:

"There's nothing worse than not being able to take an important call because your phone is still working its way through your digestive tract."

In point of fact, there is something worse:

It's not being able to take that important call because your phone has stopped working its way through your disgestive tract.

Honestly, one would think that Apple could have engineered the touch screen on its iPhone so that one could scroll through the killer apps even with the device lodged securely in one's duodenum.

But sadly, no.

(In honor of April Fool's Day, I hereby declare "podium" twelve hours early.)

frilly said...

Second!

Hey, AP. Where ya been hiding?

* said...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7975704.stm

"The mayor of Donnacona, a town near Quebec where Gallant lived for 20 years, has described the killer as an inconspicuous man with a fondness for cycling."

hehe

yonk said...

Book:
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss

Andy Pandy said...

Concocting excuses for not being at work and searching for the perfect saddle

Yacht Club President said...

Friday, you made fun of canvas boat shoes. Yesterday, you made fun of topsiders. You, sir, will be hearing from our lawyers.

Anquetil's Mother said...

Jacques was always a very smart boy.

Anquetil's Mother said...

They banned it because he didn't put the cigarettes out before he threw them back at Poulidor. Also very effective. Such a smart boy.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't that dude know that wearing dodgy bike outfits can be bad for his health?

Wes said...

I got two copies of that Lynne Truss book one Christmas - people think I'm a pedant or something?

Anonymous said...

Whoa. Schmata Racing dude has Fox Racing gloves but I don't see that sponsor (any sponsor?) on the jersey.
And is that a Beijing 2008 fanny pack among the entourage?

@ anon. 3:20
Thank you for "brainwashing angels"
Brain police have been born again.

Better and lighter (no blood-pressure cuffs needed) than invisible pants or Acqua e Sapone pants and from Top Shop no less:
Spotty pants

Where are the Dalmation pants?
Or at least ersatz snakeskin or alligator prints?

The Union Jack pair has possibilities as pants that observers will believe are invisible in order to shield their minds from the trauma.

I'd prefer an Old Glory or Stars and Bars pair.

And okay... they're tights, but they are listed next to the tight "skinny" pants.

analysis paralysis said...

I'm a douche is i have a cycling appropriate/messenger bag.

I'm a douche if i dont have a cycling appropriate/messenger bag.

This line is too fine.

Lugzntubz said...

...and I was just looking at the cyclodelic website the other day - terrible, terrible...

...but then again - if it gets people on a bike...so sad, capes? really?!

Luck E. said...

I'm getting one of these for my cycling cape. With a few mods, it should take care of all my riding/organization/stylish warmth needs. Check it out:

http://www.1seenontvstore.com/purse-brite-organizer.html


A

Dead Milkmen Reunion in April said...

analysis paralysis said...

I'm a douche is i have a cycling appropriate/messenger bag.

I'm a douche if i dont have a cycling appropriate/messenger bag.

This line is too fine.

- That's right. You're a douche.

Seanywonton said...

I love it. It's Sharper Image for bike culture (or is it Sharper Image culture for bikes?).

Here's how it goes:
1) Create a cheap product no one needs for a need that doesn't exist.
2) Tell them can't live without it.
3) Sit back and watch the marks buy buy buy.

kale said...

Did anyone else see the Jackalope on the Manhattan bridge?

CommieCanuck said...

BTW: The Sharper Image is bankrupt.

Boo Hoo.

I'm surprised you guys didn't discuss Stryper: from the 1984 album, "Yellow and Black Attack":

Some of us were always pushed around in schools.
That's why I wrote this song to sing to pushin' fools.
At least we can say we love doin' what we do.
And we're here to say that you can have salvation too.


and...

Satan is a fool and it's so insane.
Some people think he's cool, you play with fire,
You'll feel the pain.
Why lose when you could win? Give God a try.
The devil's not your friend, the truth is not a lie.
I've changed my ways from wrong to wright
Evil never pays, no, the truth is not a lie.


I guess you don't have, to be retarded to be religious, but it certainly helps.

grog said...

95th!
April Fool!

Anonymous said...

OH WOW THAT FEELS GREAT!
ace of base
Sell Digital Products

Surly Bastard said...

I saw the Cyclodelic site a few day ago ... don't ask me how ... I knew the moment I saw it it would end up here.

Disgruntled Ed. said...

hm.

Disgruntled Ed. said...

anyone else?

Disgruntl Ed. said...

100th!

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Take that Disgruntled Ed!

AoK said...

Check out my article on Rapha: Cycling with style!

Find out the latest in kool, from fashion to food at http://ambassadorofkool.blogspot.com/
http://www.twitter.com/ambassadorok

Martin H. said...

Hey, stop your scoffing! Cyclodelic is the brainchild of the lovely Amy Fleuriot and you boys would come all over nice if you met her! You could say her clothing range is Rapha for girls. And she's a pretty cute 'fixie' rider, that's her bright-green old-skool Condor in the model shot.

Jack O'Sullivan said...

i like it. your blog is sweet

Jack O'Sullivan
Bedroom Furniture Sets
Men's Dress Shoes

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