I am extremely fortunate to receive many emails from readers. Of these emails, a large number of them contain links to new cycling-related products. I'm especially grateful for these, because I seldom leave my home (I now do all of my cycling on a Virtual Reality Trainer as I find actual cycling tedious) and as such I rely on email for news of the outside world. However, I'm alerted of some products more frequently than others, and one of the most oft-forwarded products recently has been the Knog "Love Hate" Glove.
This is hardly surprising, since I've made no secret of my fondness for knuckle tattoos. But while I've been aware of the Knog "Love Hate" Glove for some time, I was not aware until recently that you can now purchase a pair from the Secret Website:
Obviously, this is fantastic news. But I was surprised to find that when I clicked the "More Info..." link in the description it displayed the following warning:
"PLEASE NOTE THE PACKAGING OF THIS ITEM CONTAINS IMAGES THAT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE."
Now I was intrigued. What images could Knog possibly have included in the packaging for a pair of gloves that would warrant this sort of warning? Well, I didn't have to wonder for very long. It just so happens that when Knog sent me all those "hipster cysts" back in December, they included some other items in the package as well. And one of those items was a pair of "Love Hate" Gloves. At the time, I just tried to ignore them in much the same way you'd try to ignore a dead cockroach in your lunch after you've already eaten half of it--there's nothing you can do about it anyway, so your best bet is to just push the plate aside, excuse yourself from the table, and pretend it was never there in the first place. And that's what I did with the gloves.
But now that I knew the package actually contained inappropriate imagery, I made straight for the box, rummaged around wrist-deep in "hypster cysts," found the gloves, and tore the package open. Sure enough, in addition to handwear, it contained this:
As you can see, it's a picture of two people, both of whom appear to be women, sensually brushing lips. Furthermore, the woman on the right is wearing a piece of "body jewelry" in her lip. ("Body jewelry" is said to make sexual contact more pleasurable, which makes it the "Zertz" of the body modification world.) Naturally, I was appalled to discover that Knog's entire product line is simply a cheap ruse to smuggle sapphist erotica into America. Moreover, I was disgusted that one of our most trusted online retailers is complicit in this scheme. They may have included a warning, but I'm sure you'll agree it's completely insufficient given the true nature of the image. After all, it depicts two people of the same sex with portions of their faces touching. If anything, the Secret Website's "warning" only serves to titillate young people, whose mattresses are probably hiding virtual mountains of Knog packaging.
I suppose it's wrong of me to expect more from the company that invented the Porno Patch, but at least they were up front about that. These giant pornographic Breathe Right strips are another story altogether. I can't help but suspect that this may have something to do with the fact that Knog is an Australian company. Sure, once upon a time our countries had something in common--after all, we were both a part of England. But then, the supercontinent of Pangea began to separate, and ever since then we've been drifting apart. Now, we couldn't be more different, as one look at our respective national heroes sufficiently proves:
They both share dominion over the animals, but there the similarities end. Crocodile Dundee's lack of refinement, erudition, and couth is in stark contrast to Ace Ventura's suave intellectual sophistication. Indeed, it would seem that the Coriolis effect has wreaked havoc with the Australian sex drive, resulting in the Knog/Secret Website pornography-smuggling affair, photos like these from Fyxomatosis, and, of course, the Robbie McEwen sex scandal. I only hope the damage caused to the collective psyche of our nation's youth by a photograph of two women making gentle nasal and labia superfluos entafada/labium inferius contact is not irreparable.
Fortunately, things over at the Secret Website's sibling company are far less insidious--or are they? I recently received the latest Performance catalog in the mail (Performance catalogs are like cold sores in that no matter where you go or what you do somehow you'll keep getting them) and was delighted to discover that, with the election but a memory, Democrat and Republican jerseys are finally on clearance:
Now this is what our nation's youth needs--patriotism, not porn. But take a closer look:
Of the two jerseys, only the Republican jersey is available in the small size. Clearly, some sort of conspiracy is afoot here. I'm not sure where it's headed or who's behind it, but it obviously involves young people, Australia, politics, and porn.