Thursday, February 5, 2009

Conspiracy By Mail: The Hidden Dangers of Online Bicycle Retail

I am extremely fortunate to receive many emails from readers. Of these emails, a large number of them contain links to new cycling-related products. I'm especially grateful for these, because I seldom leave my home (I now do all of my cycling on a Virtual Reality Trainer as I find actual cycling tedious) and as such I rely on email for news of the outside world. However, I'm alerted of some products more frequently than others, and one of the most oft-forwarded products recently has been the Knog "Love Hate" Glove.

This is hardly surprising, since I've made no secret of my fondness for knuckle tattoos. But while I've been aware of the Knog "Love Hate" Glove for some time, I was not aware until recently that you can now purchase a pair from the Secret Website:


Obviously, this is fantastic news. But I was surprised to find that when I clicked the "More Info..." link in the description it displayed the following warning:


"PLEASE NOTE THE PACKAGING OF THIS ITEM CONTAINS IMAGES THAT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE."

Now I was intrigued. What images could Knog possibly have included in the packaging for a pair of gloves that would warrant this sort of warning? Well, I didn't have to wonder for very long. It just so happens that when Knog sent me all those "hipster cysts" back in December, they included some other items in the package as well. And one of those items was a pair of "Love Hate" Gloves. At the time, I just tried to ignore them in much the same way you'd try to ignore a dead cockroach in your lunch after you've already eaten half of it--there's nothing you can do about it anyway, so your best bet is to just push the plate aside, excuse yourself from the table, and pretend it was never there in the first place. And that's what I did with the gloves.

But now that I knew the package actually contained inappropriate imagery, I made straight for the box, rummaged around wrist-deep in "hypster cysts," found the gloves, and tore the package open. Sure enough, in addition to handwear, it contained this:


As you can see, it's a picture of two people, both of whom appear to be women, sensually brushing lips. Furthermore, the woman on the right is wearing a piece of "body jewelry" in her lip. ("Body jewelry" is said to make sexual contact more pleasurable, which makes it the "Zertz" of the body modification world.) Naturally, I was appalled to discover that Knog's entire product line is simply a cheap ruse to smuggle sapphist erotica into America. Moreover, I was disgusted that one of our most trusted online retailers is complicit in this scheme. They may have included a warning, but I'm sure you'll agree it's completely insufficient given the true nature of the image. After all, it depicts two people of the same sex with portions of their faces touching. If anything, the Secret Website's "warning" only serves to titillate young people, whose mattresses are probably hiding virtual mountains of Knog packaging.

I suppose it's wrong of me to expect more from the company that invented the Porno Patch, but at least they were up front about that. These giant pornographic Breathe Right strips are another story altogether. I can't help but suspect that this may have something to do with the fact that Knog is an Australian company. Sure, once upon a time our countries had something in common--after all, we were both a part of England. But then, the supercontinent of Pangea began to separate, and ever since then we've been drifting apart. Now, we couldn't be more different, as one look at our respective national heroes sufficiently proves:

They both share dominion over the animals, but there the similarities end. Crocodile Dundee's lack of refinement, erudition, and couth is in stark contrast to Ace Ventura's suave intellectual sophistication. Indeed, it would seem that the Coriolis effect has wreaked havoc with the Australian sex drive, resulting in the Knog/Secret Website pornography-smuggling affair, photos like these from Fyxomatosis, and, of course, the Robbie McEwen sex scandal. I only hope the damage caused to the collective psyche of our nation's youth by a photograph of two women making gentle nasal and labia superfluos entafada/labium inferius contact is not irreparable.

Fortunately, things over at the Secret Website's sibling company are far less insidious--or are they? I recently received the latest Performance catalog in the mail (Performance catalogs are like cold sores in that no matter where you go or what you do somehow you'll keep getting them) and was delighted to discover that, with the election but a memory, Democrat and Republican jerseys are finally on clearance:



Now this is what our nation's youth needs--patriotism, not porn. But take a closer look:

Of the two jerseys, only the Republican jersey is available in the small size. Clearly, some sort of conspiracy is afoot here. I'm not sure where it's headed or who's behind it, but it obviously involves young people, Australia, politics, and porn.

113 comments:

wrench monkey said...

whoa

ant1 said...

ant1st!

innerlighter said...

podium

Never Knows Best said...

podium!

Anonymous said...

pee-peerd

innerlighter said...

nice sprint ant1

Anonymous said...

crocodile dundee is amazing <-- first real comment

Anonymous said...

Je suis le fromage… rapide et féroce!

Never Knows Best said...

So close! I've been doping for naught...

Slappy said...

AHHHHHH

ant1 said...

Snobby - both the link for the porno patch and that for the strips refer to the strips.

ant1st! real comment!

Fantz Crazznapper said...

Kill the Poor!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Another top 20. All the extra training is paying off.

Anonymous said...

Worst. Post. Ever.

Anonymous said...

small post. smaller than my yabbies.

Anonymous said...

FYI: LA recently twittered a pic of his fixie...complete with SRM crank. Anyone have a pic of him riding it in a Dem or GOP Perf. jersey? (I suspect he is a Medium). Good money paid.

Mark said...

Wow, after a long hiatus I finally get in the top 20, or the top 10 x2!

Slappy said...

Is the prono patch link work safe?? I'm concerned.

grog said...

Obviously, there are no small democrats!

LOVE HATE

Bill said...

i think my brain is officially frozen, i laughed way too hard at the robbie mcewen sex scandal link

wrench monkey said...

I'm sorry now that I cheated. I feel like I came in first in the Wed. night "B" race.

wrench monkey said...

Btw, it's all yours ant1,nice work.

innerlighter said...

So all I have to do to win a race is hang back and wait for all those who do their training with Tacx to try sprinting through the last corner, causing a massive pileup, and then just waltz on by ftw.

I also noticed that wheel overlap does not seem to be a problem in the Virtual Cycling World.


meh

Anonymous said...

Jim Carrey is Canadian...

libertyonbikes! said...

actually that would mean there are no small republicans. draw your own conclusion - i'm going with Rush Limbaugh was the mold they used to create republicans - hense the left over small sizes.

great post! is there a game on how to link multiple random people and items? you won it!

i would compare the performance catalog to the hook up you're ashamed of, but still keep around...

Bill said...

congrats ant1, or should i call you oscar pereiro?

innerlighter said...

Kloden!

ant1 said...

Thanks wrench monkey, but around these parts doping is nothing to be ashamed of, nor is it a reason to be dethroned. Enjoy your day in the sun. I have no problem playing the cadel to your alberto.

leroy said...

Wow!

I never realized Zertz inserts were the equivalent of body piercing.

I bet the cool kids will all want to hang with me now!

Thanks BSNYC!

innerlighter said...

Bill,
You could always appeal to CAC, the Court of Arbitration for Comments.

Bill said...

oh, i got no beef with the ruling, and would never wanna go up against CAC.

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

CommieCanuck said...

I actually own a pair of Knog Love/Hate gloves for three reasons: a wonderful homage to Spike Lee; they are excellent kid leather gloves; and I buy anything marketed by lipstick lesbians. Anything.

This site in Oz is the money shot. I quote,

Dear Penthouse Letters,

Washing day had always been such a chore - waiting around for hours on end, flicking through old magazines with half completed crosswords and scribbled beards on celebrities. Sarah had longed for a better way to spend her time. That is, until she found someone who shared her same concern. Things didn’t always reach the tumble dry stage but it was worth making the weekly trip for the warm hand wash alone.

Clearly, this is not safe for work, the entendre is double, perhaps triple, and one wonders what warm hand washing really means in Austr(al)ia. Note the innuendo in the words:

flicking
scribbled
shared
tumble

OOer.

Jim said...

Is the CAC being used to bring Strategic Lawsuits Against Public Participation (SLAPP) in this comments section?

If so, please bring any legal notices you receive to the attention of the crack comments legal team. We'll take care of it for you.

Nobody around here gets CAC SLAPP'ed on my watch.

Well, unless you're into that kind of thing.

CommieCanuck said...

I also love cupcakes.

mono_vs_stereo said...

Is there such a thing a small Republican?

Peloton.

ant1 said...

Jim - you should also watch for the CAC's Bicycling License Oversight Commitee.

CACB LOCd

red neckerson said...

me and ricky done some reserch at the pubic libary because i said that crabon was one of yor damm fool jokes but ricky said he thot it was reel and i think he wanted to see if you could smoke it and damm if that stuff dont exist for reel but i dont think smoking it wouldnt do much for you

dont be impressed by the link because i gots one of them high school girls to show me how and that reminds me i gots to go to my doctor and gets more oxycontin and viagra but that reely aint none of yor bizness now is it

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
CommieCanuck said...

Those jerseys are like loaded guns.
One can just picture in these depressing times, someone decides to end it all, buy a Democrat jersey, adds World champion Rainbow Stripes, and takes to the public roads in Texas.

goodbye cruel world.

kale said...

I'll go ahead and type it - Even though I know I should filter the knuck tat thoughts I have:

DYKE KISS

leroy said...

Oh sure, the Virtual Reality Trainer is nice and all -- especially for folks like me who are "reality challenged."

But for those suffering from over-exposure to over exposed Aussies and their products of questionable taste, one needs a Virtuous Reality Trainer.

I don't want to say too much because the Virtuous Reality Trainer is still in development, but it involves a sensory deprivation tank, cold water and a continuous loop of the collected works of Werner Herzog.

Jim volunteered CommieCannuck to test the prototype. (And none too soon, judging by CC's recent posts.)

Vaughters has already ordered several. He knows that when it comes to virtue, you can't be too careful.

Kareer Kriminal said...

You'll never see one of those Republican jerseys in any coffee shop around here. Neither will you see in the bars anybody wearing an IRS softball jersey or a towing company logo jacket. Odd, isn't it?

innerlighter said...

ant1 and Jim

I heard the Court of Arbitration for Comments was pushing for a Bicyclists Uniform Liability code...

It's pretty much a CAC and BUL story.

CommieCanuck said...

Actually, Vaughters is going to have to get in line behind Bjarne Riis.
Some people can't use those goggles, the headset and flashing images of Lance Armstrong and David Millar cause nausea.

Anonymous said...

Jim Carrey is Canadian

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymii 1:45 and 2:48,

Yes, but Ace Ventura is American.

--RTMS

CommieCanuck said...

WAS...thank Jebus.

kale said...

ant1, Jim, innerlighter:

Who's going to be the head of the CAC?

Or will it be a committee comprised of CACSKRS - Court of Arbitration for Comments Senior Kase Research Staff?

GenghisKhan said...

So, do those Knog gloves have velcro on the letters so you can change the message, depending on the day and your mood? If not, you might want to knog up the designers and have get on it--stat!

Peace!

Anonymous said...

If you have to point out the innuendos...

frilly said...

Commie-you are good for my diet. As you know I can no longer go near maple syrup and now we can add cupcakes to the list.

Leroy-Good news about the zertz, huh? Makes me feel a little less bad about having a triple.

Snobby-Thanks for the tip on the gloves. I just placed my order. btw, the guy at Nashbar says you rock. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "No, I think he runs." Then I remembered you have a fixie so I guess you do rock AND run.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Sure, Jim Carrey is Canadian, but Ace Ventura is a US hero.

Just like Superman was written by a Canadian.

Actually the US wouldn't exist if it weren't for the Canadians and their little daydreams.

Anonymous said...

But only a zany Canadian can pull off an Ace Ventura character. Now Chevy Chase in American Vacation is the most an American can pull off.
No innuendos here.

CommieCanuck said...

Red..good news, someone finally made a crabon detector for the trailer.

Once you detect it, you can filter it out with this crabon filter.

but show moderation, as the Czechs have.

Get rid of it before the crabon tax takes effect.

ant1 said...

kale - you said staff. ha ha.

CommieCanuck said...

Frilly, we'll just strike hotdogs and tuber vegetables from that diet. Don't make me post the pictures. Trust me on this.

Beavis said...

yeah... Heh eheh hehehhe eheh

Bill said...

Institutional Policymakers of the International Court of Arbitration for Comments. IPICAC is here to serve you

Nicole said...

Correction Dis-grunt, the US wouldn't exist if it wasn't for the Canadians and their little dreams AND even bigger natural resources!

CommieCanuck said...

frilly...

$29, free shipping...

Secret British website.

Anonymous said...

Jim Carey née Carrey does not bother me, but "innuendi," please.

kale said...

I'm appealing to the Court of Arbitration of Comments Board of Acronym Redundancy - CACBAR for a cease and desist motion.

frilly said...

Is that $29 usd and shipping free to the states?

Oh, and I ordered some tights from NB too. Good winter stuff sale. 10% off orders of $50 or more.

Never was a fan of carrots, but i will miss hot dogs.

CommieCanuck said...

Yep, freebie to the ex-colonies.

ricky said...

aw bullshit red

i agrees with you i just felt like sayin it

ant1 said...

Did you guys (and gals) ever play the acrophobia internet game back in the late 90's? All this CAC talk reminds me of those good old days. Ahh...college.

ant1 said...

Frilly - regarding those tights you claim to have bought, we'll believe it when we have photographic evidence (or some other type of type of evidence, as long as it ends in *graphic).

innerlighter said...

kale,
The result of the CACKSKRS meetings is always hard to swallow.

frilly said...

Oh Ant I wish you were here. Kind of coincidental but I have my running gear, including tights, with me. Going to the park for a run after work.

No camera, sorry.

Anonymous said...

FIRST!!!

fixedgearfotofreak said...

Hey, you don't have to pay tax on the Dem jersey!

ant1 said...

Frilly - My imagination more than makes up for your lack of camera.

T. Daschle said...

I don't think that's very funny you F'ing right winger.

ant1 said...

you mean Tom Douchle

Anonymous said...

anyone else hear that wah wah?

bikesgonewild said...

...jeezus...this mornings comment section is like a fucking short course criterium...i'm gettin' dizzy watching 'the usual suspect' go round & round...

...just (whoa, there they go again) sayin'...

bikesgonewild said...

...damn...fergot the "s"...there's more than one of you...

the usual suspect said...

there is?

ant1 said...

fergot?

the usual suspect said...

is that french?

bikesgonewild said...

...fuck...now i'm dizzy & confused...but not french...

red neckerson said...

yall a bunch of fergots

bikesgonewild said...

...see ???...that's what i'm sayin'...

Keyser Söze said...

I am bike snob.

stephen colbert said...

i am america, and so can you

kale said...

BGW-

It's alright to be confused, the French on the other hand are Gayant fergots.

Not that there's anything wrong with that...

frilly said...

bgw-just take a deep breath and dive on in, sweetie.

Cava? (Couldn't resist)

the usual suspect said...

Commentarie a la velo association

Johnny Sprocket said...

I don't know what your bike accessory shops are like over there, but here in Australia the Knog shop is just like the web catalogue. Soft focus lighting, leather gear, flashing lights, girl on girl action.. bike porn's never been so good !

bikesgonewild said...

...man...i gotta take a free lap for 'quote, unquote' "mechanicals" & get myself together...this 'crit' pace is kickin' my ass...

Anon 2:05 aka masshole said...

Fill that gap!

Anonymous said...

http://blip.tv/play/zW7n8HuHtG0

the usual suspect said...

that's what she said?

Anonymous said...

+1 for the umlaut, Mr Söze

+2 for anon 2:05 aka masshole. that was my proudest moment.

Serviceburo said...

Hell man, you want some risque packaging, go to my site and buy one of my shirts and I will hand wrap it in some granny porn for you.

Don't ask me why I have any on hand though.

Andy Pandy said...

Crocodile Dundee …..okay go wild with your insults. Lets face it the man was once a bridge rigger and painter on the Sydney Harbour coat hanger and dumped his frumpish wife for Linda Kozlowski. Fine. His best mate Strop however was a Trojan and has all the best traits of a true blue son of OZ

Cadel… well you have a free swing BUT Rocket Robbie actually wins some things.

Cup cakes, kittens and furry things , so much in the world that I yet to experience in the far flung pavilions of the Empire. Frills can I have some maple syrup on my cup cakes????

M_Avina said...

The rapacious humor at the expense of the silliness of cycling found in this blog warrants a title of nobility:

Chief Exchequer of the virtual beatdown, Order of the Blogging Empire (CEVB, OBE), High Grand Poobah, Lord of Everything Else.

red neckerson said...

stopping at 99 is like drinking only 5 beers it just aint right

d. fofonov said...

Pleasing to me to declare that penis of mine has thawing.

Anonymous said...

There was actually a sex scandal involving R McE at the Tour Down Under in the early 2000s, when newspapers carried reports of complaints about him made by a chambermaid at the team hotel. He was cleared, apparently.

Johnny Sprocket said...

In Australia we don't have 'chambermaids', they're called 'hookers'.

AndyPandy, you forgot to mention that both Hoges and Strop indulged in another popular Aussie pastime, being chased by the tax man. Oy !

Philip Williamson said...

frilly - carrots aren't tubers, they're roots. Cupcakes are still cupcakes, though.

Anonymous said...

Alpaca Lips is coming!
http://www.fixedgeargallery.com/2009/feb/2/MeeraHeller.htm

frilly said...

AP, I believe I have a recipe for maple frosting. Could do double duty. Yum.

PW, wiki classifies carrots as tubers. Potatoes too. Seriously I would hope that you wouldn't want to meet the chick that could accomodate a potato.

kale said...

Frilly-

Would that make her a potatho?

G'day mate!

Panties, Fierce said...

CC


We've seen this before. Taking to the public streets of Texas

Anonymous said...

No shit...

bricoleur said...

any true canuck can tell you jim carrey is american. NORTH american.

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Anonymous said...

Maria who is the Rental Agent at Sahara Palms Apts. Protected Rapist Danielle Grant, for some unknow reason.Thier relationship is unknow at this time. She was over heard laughing at how The Victim was tormented and RAPED she thought it was funny how Grant talked about victim.Ms Grant who resides at the apts. Danielle Grant 23, of Las Vegas is a RAPIST, she and another man used a date rape drug on Victim at Sahara Palms Apartments 2900 El Camino ave. apt 170, Danielle L Grant sodomized the victim with a plunger. She is lite skinned 4'6 to 4'7 and she drives a Black Ford Focus, She works as an dental assistant during day. STOP her please. Victim is too ashamed to tell Police. Memory just now coming back. Danielle L Grant MUST BE STOPED. She is a drug addict and dealer ( Lortab and Meth,weed ) sometimes works as a Vegas Escort/Prostitute when she needs money. If you have information on her criminal activities Please contact the Las Vegas Police Dept.

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